Savannah DesOrmeaux Does Bad Good

Heaven's newest admit is stand-up comedian and self-procalimed shoplifter Savannah DesArmeaux! She's a good sister BUT she steals BUT she looks out for her friends BUT she signed her ex up for spam? Heaven or Hell?? Only time will tell!

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Tune in every week to hear comedians and cool people defend their choices with eternal consequences. Ex-evangelical Zach Zimmerman hosts. :)

If you're a fan of comedy podcasts, maybe you'll be a fan of this one!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Do you fear death? Because I don't fear I don't fear being dead. I don't fear dying. Like I fear like the approach.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Oh. Yeah, of course I fear pain. The landing.

SPEAKER_03 0:11

The landing. But like once I'm dead, I don't care at all.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

Interesting. It's the transition. Yeah. Well, should we do it now? Yeah. At least we're going to go.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

Oh my god, it's happening. It's happening.

SPEAKER_02 0:23

Now you have died and gone to heaven. You'll be interviewed by an entry level.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

I'm Zach Simmerman, comedian on Earth, Angel here in heaven, auditing the new souls to make sure they belong here. God needs a sort. God needs help too. I was gonna say outsourcing. Is that even relevant? AI's gonna get rid of this job in a year. Today's paperwork is comedian Savannah DeSarmo. Savannah DeSarmo, the one and only. How did she die? Well, Cajun by birth, Savannah found herself in an abandoned mansion in New Orleans where the vampire Lestat lured her into a twisted romantic game of cat and mouse. Just before he could feast on her blood, turning her immortal, he got the ick and pushed her off the balcony.

SPEAKER_03 1:33

Oh shit. So I didn't die the normal vampire way. He just lost interest.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Yeah, sorry about that. You're better than him, though.

SPEAKER_03 1:41

For sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_03 1:43

I'm so happy to be here and honored.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

I'm excited. Um, I know you personally, but that will not impact my assessment today. Good.

SPEAKER_03 1:51

Of your eternal story. I'm not a Nepo angel.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Nepo angel. Do you belong in heaven 60 seconds on the clock? Opening statements, Savannah.

SPEAKER_03 1:59

Um, I think I do belong in heaven because though I've done a few bad things, I think I do it in a way that a good person would do. And I think I'm I think I'm nice to people. I think I follow the golden rule. That's I feel like above the the seven sins and above the ten commandments is the golden rule, right? So I do unto others as they would do unto me. Yes. Right? I think it's that. Um and uh 30 seconds left. Gosh, I mean, what else is there to say? I have I have great hair. I think it would look good with a halo.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

The bangs are new.

SPEAKER_03 2:35

I feel like the bangs are new. I feel like they could carry the weight of a halo. Um and my grandma said I was going to heaven. So to say that I'm not is kind of going against my grandmother.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

What's her name?

SPEAKER_03 2:52

Her name was Ellen.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Grandma Ellen, and that's time. Grandma Ellen. I love the idea that you do bad good.

SPEAKER_03 2:59

I do bad good.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

She does bad good. And just since you brought it up, these bangs are new. The bangs are new. Is everything okay? No. Also, I'm not sure what a bang is, because I don't see a bang right now.

SPEAKER_03 3:14

Wow, gaslighting me about my own. Where's the bang? The this is the bang. Okay. Well, for this is an audio medium, but the bang is in if you cut shorter hair to the front. Yes. But yeah, they're grown out, and so they kind of go into the rest of my hair. So I could see how you would be fooled.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Is someone supposed to be able to tell there's a bang when it's brushed to the side, or it has to be? Um You're hiding your bangs right now.

SPEAKER_03 3:39

And not on purpose. It's really a failure on my own part to not style them correctly, but I'm learning. I'm new to bangs.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

And I'm really important as someone uh whose hair is perfect at all times, right every way. Right. Has definitely not had a haircut for five months. Right. I am in a place to judge you.

SPEAKER_03 3:55

Please. We any other things about my appearance you want to make a remark on?

SPEAKER_01 3:59

This is mostly about your character. Oh, okay, God.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

I um, you know, aesthetics matter.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Okay. God has eyes. Okay, yeah. God's a looky loo. God I want to help you. God has eyes.

SPEAKER_03 4:12

God is a woman and she has eyes.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

And she uh is a lesbian.

SPEAKER_03 4:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

And interested. Okay. And the dress is cute too.

SPEAKER_03 4:21

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

You look great.

SPEAKER_03 4:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

I meant this as I realize now I was commenting on a woman's body, which I've been told to not do.

SPEAKER_03 4:30

I don't think bangs are my body.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Bangs aren't your body?

SPEAKER_03 4:32

Nah.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

Oh, they're like I guess they're outside of your body.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

Or they're like attached to your body.

SPEAKER_03 4:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Huh. These good deeds you mentioned. Yeah. You mentioned that you've done good things on earth. Could you um could you let me know um maybe a time you like showed up for a friend? You've been a good friend.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

I'm a good friend. I showed up for you once.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

Does that count?

SPEAKER_01 4:57

When?

SPEAKER_03 4:58

One time you were upset about a heartbreak. Me? Yes. He's broken.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Anxious attacher that falls too quickly with abandonment triggers.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

We were new to being friends.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 5:11

And I picked up the phone and I talked to you about the heartbreak with the woman. That's so sweet. Do you not remember it? Now I'm like, okay, well, never mind. Um let me pick another one since you forg you forgot that I showed up for you.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

I was in crisis. Okay. And I feel like in crisis, you sort of any boat I will lean on.

SPEAKER_03 5:31

Oh, so I could have been any I could have been anyone. I was just who was available.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

But I came back to you. For sure. You did good. Yeah, I did good enough. Remember what you said?

SPEAKER_03 5:41

Um or it was mostly a listening situation. It was it was mostly a listening. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

That's a problem when heartbreak happens.

SPEAKER_03 5:48

Totally. But I think uh, you know, I said something to the effect of like it's going to be okay, and I completely understand that that would be heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Oh, that felt good to hear. Is that a line? No. That was so good. A pickup line? Yeah. That that I felt seen, heard. Wow. Did you mean that? That was so good.

SPEAKER_03 6:07

I meant it at the time. I don't mean it right now. I don't know what you're going through.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

You know. Yeah. We're don't get me started.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

It's going to be okay, it's so powerful.

SPEAKER_01 6:16

It's going to be okay. Because it's always true. But does it minimize the crisis in the moment?

SPEAKER_03 6:20

No, because I think it's true.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Like you're reducing, like I'm in the gallows. Yeah. I'm in a noose. Okay. I'm about to be the button or lever. I'm watching Handmaid's Tale.

SPEAKER_03 6:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Eight years late.

SPEAKER_03 6:33

I mean, it's about to be nil.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Nil?

SPEAKER_03 6:36

Like it's about to be. It's going to be okay because you're about to not exist.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

Wow. Are you like a nihilistic therapist? That's such the perfect line.

SPEAKER_03 6:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Everything's gonna be okay until it's not.

SPEAKER_03 6:49

Well, that's why I'm like, do you do you speaking of death?

SPEAKER_01 6:51

Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_03 6:52

Do you fear death? Because I don't fear I don't fear being dead. I don't fear dying. I like I I fear like the approach.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Oh. Yeah, of course I fear pain. The landing.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

The landing. Like once I'm dead, I don't care at all.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Interesting. It's the transition. Yeah. Well, should we do it now? Yeah. At least we're going to be.

SPEAKER_04 7:13

Oh my god, it's happening. It's happening.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

One of the best, uh, one of the best hinge profile prompts I've ever seen, or maybe it was Tinder. Someone was like, if you knew you had 20 minutes left to live, what would you do? And the guy said, I would find a way to die sooner.

SPEAKER_03 7:30

I get that because like with 20 minutes isn't enough to do anything. Like that's send texts. Yeah, send some texts. I guess I should call my my mother.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Could you, you know, experience pleasure in 20 minutes or the threat and looming of death?

SPEAKER_03 7:46

No, because I don't have time to call someone over. There's no time. You can take matters into your own hands. That's what I'm saying. The only option is to take matters in my own hands. And I'm like, no, like with 20 minutes, no. I have other I should call my mom. And I have a very big family. I should call a few people.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Can you multitask?

SPEAKER_03 8:04

Touch myself while I'm calling my mother, Zachary.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

The holiday, Mother's Day will have been a few days in the past. I don't know what that means.

SPEAKER_03 8:11

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

No, I'm not gonna do that.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

I took a shower when calling my mom once.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

That's different.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Like I wanted to talk to her, but I needed to shower.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

That's that's not sexual.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

It's not, okay.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

Because she's, you know, your naked body to her is nothing.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

What? Oh. Right. Yeah, she's seen all that. Yeah. She made that. She made it. She made that. We were once one. Exactly. And now we are too.

SPEAKER_03 8:35

I think now you're still one to some degree. I don't know how close you are to your mom.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Uh we're exploring boundaries this year.

SPEAKER_03 8:41

Shout out.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

Heartbreak showing up for someone. What's the best thing you ever did while you were on Earth? You lived a good long life. What's the best thing that you ever did ever?

SPEAKER_03 8:53

Ever?

SPEAKER_01 8:55

Um besides get those nails done. My god, they look amazing.

SPEAKER_03 9:00

Yes, bitch.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

Um recovering from the bangs.

SPEAKER_03 9:03

The best thing. I'm kind of it's kind of a universal balance.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Um uh what's the question again? Best thing you ever did. You're a good friend. Are you a good daughter?

SPEAKER_03 9:14

But I feel like I I think so. I mean, I I think I would be better.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

Rosemary's grand what's that song? I am Rosemary's granddaughter. Spitting image of my father. Do you know this?

SPEAKER_03 9:27

I don't know this, but keep keep going.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

You're from the South. And when the day is done, my mom is still biggest fan. It's a southern song. Because I haven't lived there in a bit.

SPEAKER_03 9:36

No, I never listened to country.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

I have to be careful singing songs because I do it exactly right, and we get flagged by YouTube. They're like, oh my god, that's the original. We don't have the copyright for it.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

Is that literally Brooks and Dunn on the mic? I actually just started listening to a Brooks and Dunn song. Their country too. Their country. Give it a go. Mam Maria. You know that song? Uh oh. Mam Maria. That's all I know.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Why has your entrance into heaven devolved into us doing a Maria?

SPEAKER_03 10:12

What if you okay, what if this? The pearly gates open, there's a karaoke machine. What song are you singing, baby?

SPEAKER_01 10:17

This is good feedback for heaven. I mean, you know I love karaoke.

SPEAKER_03 10:21

Like, you have to karaoke, you have to lip sing for your life. You have to karaoke for your life to get in. What do you do?

SPEAKER_01 10:27

Oh my god. The lyrics?

SPEAKER_03 10:28

Well, you know Because it's not, I mean, this goes into karaoke theory, but like it's not how well you can sing it. It's like how you can create a stunning vibe in the room.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Oh, right. It's not what you say. People won't repeat that.

SPEAKER_03 10:41

I know people are shocked because they just got a sample of my voice. Like, obviously, I'm a beautiful singer.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Yeah. Um we we notice a huge drop off in the analytics. You were shocked.

SPEAKER_03 10:50

She started singing swamps.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

It went from four people to three people.

SPEAKER_03 10:53

I mean, and I'll just I'm actually like kind of not really into to karaoke. But I I like I like singing songs alone in my bedroom.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

That's very high school teenager of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's important I said high school and teenager because people go to high school at different ages.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

It's so true, and and and we see all of those people. And they are that's your main viewership, right? Is like adult high schoolers.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

We're when they have disposable income, we're going on tour and it's gonna be great.

SPEAKER_03 11:21

100%.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Actually, I think it's just my friends and a few uh fans who think they're friends. Shout out to them, parasocial relationships.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Which is that's the all we have in entertainment.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Yes. Thank you for watching and listening. I also hate karaoke.

SPEAKER_03 11:36

I I've realized I don't really love like group, I tend not to like group fun. Like when I I think having fun with friends, not for me. Not for me. No, I like no no no no no. I like having fun with friends. I just think most group activities I don't have pleasure from.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

You're a one-on-one gal?

SPEAKER_03 11:55

No, like okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

You went dancing one night.

SPEAKER_03 11:58

I like dancing. That's different.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

That's a group activity. That's group fun.

SPEAKER_03 12:02

I don't like karaoke, I don't like bowling.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

Oh, I love bowling.

SPEAKER_03 12:06

I don't I often don't like board games. There's exceptions to that too. You don't like feeling trapped within like I think when when adults get together, we should all be um so intellectual and funny that conversation is thrilling enough.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

That's no, it's horrible. It doesn't happen. It's horrible. It happens one out of a hundred times. Well, and I see that. The board game can take care of that other 99 times.

SPEAKER_03 12:31

Yeah, I guess. Okay, but I really dodged the question.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Yeah. Are you what's the best thing you ever did on earth? I don't like karaoke. And I'm listening to Brooks and James. I'm a horrible heaven. I don't like but heaven is all group fun. You're not making a great case. Right.

SPEAKER_03 12:46

We need You're all getting together to play cornhole up there. Yes. Um, I'm I'm I think I'm a great big sister to my little sister.

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Oh, like in your sorority or biological?

SPEAKER_03 12:58

No, biological bio, bio.

SPEAKER_01 12:59

What's her name?

SPEAKER_03 13:00

Her name's Eliana. Eliana.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

And you're a good big sister. Yes. What qualities make a good big sister a good big sister?

SPEAKER_03 13:07

Um, I fix all of her problems that she comes to me with. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Um enabling her not to learn how to grow her.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

Yes, yes, keeping her baby, keeping her young.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

Stay young, baby.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

Stay young, my baby. Um, no, I mean, I talk to her about hard things. Um I think I'm a good liaison between the parents, the parent, and the child. I can kind of talk about where I'm like, they're being crazy, right? Like, what's the age gap? Um, it's actually a very fun age gap. Uh, she's she's um she's 20, I'm 33, and then my stepmom, we're half sisters. My stepmom is 44 or something like that. So we're really like you're right in between just about 11 you know, 11 years old.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

And you had very different childhoods. Her and I? Yes. Not and different moms even. Different moms, even. So you are a good liaison.

SPEAKER_03 14:02

Yeah. That's right. Truly.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Do you share? I don't know how science works. Do you share my DNA?

SPEAKER_03 14:07

Yes. We share my dad's DNA.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

Got it, got it. And does that play a role in your ability to understand her? You're like, you got some of Chuck in ya.

SPEAKER_03 14:15

I guess.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

I mean I don't know if your father's name is Chuck.

SPEAKER_03 14:19

She he it's not.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

I took a swing. You took a swing. And one out of a hundred times I would have been right.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Um, yeah, I think so. Like, but also at the same time, I think like there's a lot of her childhood I maybe don't understand because we we didn't grow up in the same one. But um, I think so.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

Wait, that's kind of nice, actually. Yeah. Because me and my sisters feel like we had very different childhoods, even though we had the exact same parents, and it's kind of a mind five. How how far apart? Uh four years older is one sister, and then two years younger. Yeah, we had the same exactly.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

There's studies on this that it's like even like definitely me and my sister, but even every sibling has a different childhood in some ways. And then they say like every seven years, it's like a true reset. Oh. It's like a completely different household.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Yeah. But they've done studies on this. Yeah. Studies. Studies. What's the last thing you did for someone else that wasn't paying you to do it or benefiting your career in any way? Fuck.

SPEAKER_03 15:23

Um, I got nothing. No. Selfless act. No, um, well, I had a friend. Um I I I don't know if I can talk about that, but it is that would be that would get me into heaven.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

We already we already know it all.

SPEAKER_03 15:37

Oh, oh, it's all in the the dark.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

We already this is just cross-referencing fact checking. It's like it's like my taxes. We know what you did for her.

SPEAKER_03 15:45

They know how much money I owe. This is exactly what I'm saying. So I'm like guessing details about my life.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

And we tell you if you're lying or not.

SPEAKER_03 15:51

You know what my problem with this podcast is? My personal problem is We're not soliciting feedback at this moment.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

What's your problem with what's your personal problem with the biggest?

SPEAKER_03 16:01

The reason why I'm not a good guest is because I think you've been a great guest. Thank you. Thank you. Fishing for compliments and it works. No, I I have horrible.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

The bangs are long, but you're a great conversational.

SPEAKER_03 16:11

King bangs are ugly. Say it.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

I don't know what a bang is. You coming in right now and saying I have bangs, I lose all sense of what a bang is or means. Well, and do I have bangs? I took what is a bang? When does something become a bang? That just means hair on the front of your head. Yeah. This does could come down like that. Yeah. Does that make it a bang? I think so. So a bang is not a permanent state, it's a gaseous fluid. Bangs are a spectrum.

SPEAKER_03 16:37

Well, but you also have short hair, shorter hair than me. So in some ways, you have to bring that up. You have bangs. Sorry, I haven't been growing it out.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

A bowl cut. I got a chili bowl cut.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

I have a bad memory, so I can't remember.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

But but is that why you're a bad podcast guest?

SPEAKER_03 16:52

Yes. Well, for this, it's like it involves memories.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Oh. Not all of it's memories. We got other things.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

Something I did for someone that didn't benefit me. I mean, okay, well, I had a I had a friend who was.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

Oh no. Sounds like it's gonna not be fun. It's not fun. Oh, I hate this. Don't you hate when you have like tea and then you're like, oh, actually that was a crime. It wasn't fun, sexy tea. Oh, here's a fun one. It was a crime. Okay, good. It was a fun one. I hate that we know what it was.

SPEAKER_03 17:26

Well, what did you think it was gonna say? What do you think I was gonna say? Because now I don't think you know.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Something unconsensual happened. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 17:34

No, it was consensual. They were consensually being an alcoholic.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

And I helped them. Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_03 17:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Why did I jump to that?

SPEAKER_03 17:42

I don't know. Anything to share?

SPEAKER_01 17:44

But is it consensually being an alcoholic? Because an addict's sort of not capable of That's true.

SPEAKER_03 17:51

I think the more we we learn about the addiction.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

That's real love.

SPEAKER_03 17:55

The addiction brain.

SPEAKER_01 17:56

But here's she been on a GLP one that's been showing to reduce addict stuff.

SPEAKER_03 18:01

This is podcast sponsored by GLP1s.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Wagovey.

SPEAKER_03 18:04

We'll gound.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

Omakase. The new GLP one.

SPEAKER_03 18:15

Um here's a more fun one.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 18:19

A friend of mine had uh, she was talking to a guy. This was in college.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Okay. She was talking to a guy. And this is the last good thing you did for someone in college.

SPEAKER_03 18:30

Was it was that the prompt? The last thing. The most recent good thing. That's okay. College works. College works. Well, I was in college last year.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Extended education.

SPEAKER_03 18:42

You can be a recent grad for up to three to ten years, I think. I'm a recent grad.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

You're a recent grad. Yeah, I guess cosmically.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

I'm a recent grad of the University of Life. Um, my friend, talking to a guy, she was kind of losing interest in him, but still texting him.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Many such cases. Many such cases. That's cruel. Stop using them.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

Well, in college, no, I think now we now we do. But in college, you're like, She wasn't sure, but she was losing interest in him.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

You gotta let him know when she was.

SPEAKER_03 19:13

Anyways, he was like, What are you doing tonight? And she was like, We wanted to go to this house party. But she was like, I think I'm gonna just stay in. No, she didn't wanna have to be like, she didn't want him to be like, let's meet up later. Anyways, okay. She was like, I'm staying in tonight.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

And you stayed in with her.

SPEAKER_03 19:35

No.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

We went to the party. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

We went to the party, and you left. And then we're talking, and then the door opens, and he walks in.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

No. How could this happen in a small campus?

SPEAKER_03 19:48

Well, it's it's not a small campus, it's the city of New York.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

You went to a New York school?

SPEAKER_03 19:53

I went to a New York school.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Did you go to NYU?

SPEAKER_03 19:55

I went to NYU.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

I thought everyone who went to NYU was super successful.

SPEAKER_03 20:02

Well, here I am to show that it's a varied exper it's a varied experience, the grad. The recent grad. The recent grad range.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

I think I've said that line before, actually. Maybe to you. No, it's good. No, not to you.

SPEAKER_03 20:15

No, that that that sorry. That was too sharp for me to have heard it before.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

You're a guest on Judgment Day. Sponsored by the Bodhisattva community.

SPEAKER_03 20:28

Um, anyways, he shows up at the party and I go hide.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Oh, to her.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

To her. I was like, you've got to hide. She grabs, I I go straight to him.

SPEAKER_01 20:39

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 20:40

And I was like, oh my God, hey, it's good to see you. Have you been in this apartment before? And I start.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

Had you met this man before?

SPEAKER_03 20:50

Yeah, yeah. I mean, she was my roommate. So and I start giving him a tour of this apartment. Not mine, to be clear. I was like, have you seen, have you seen Jonathan's bedroom? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

Away from my friend.

SPEAKER_03 21:07

And so she grabs her coat, grabs her hat, grabs her purse, leaves, walks around the block, and then texts him saying, I'm actually catching a second wind. I think I'm gonna come to the party.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

She says that. Yeah. Hilarious. Yeah. Hilarious. And then she stages a second entrance into the party.

SPEAKER_03 21:23

And she goes, coming into the party.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Fellas, if she wanted to, she would.

SPEAKER_03 21:28

She would stage a second entrance.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

She would stage a sec to protect you from hurt.

SPEAKER_03 21:33

That's kind of sweet of her in a second. This is what I mean. I do good and a bad bad in a good way.

SPEAKER_01 21:38

Bad in a good way.

SPEAKER_03 21:38

Bad in a good way.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

You can do bad in a good way.

SPEAKER_03 21:41

Write that down, write that down.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Savannah, we've got some moral dilemmas for you. Let's get off. Let's take a sip of our iced teas. Southern gals. Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 21:53

Tea.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

Savannah. You can viewers, three viewers watching, you can email. Email your ethical dilemmas to Judgment Day Pod with three Ds at gmail.com. Uh and maybe we'll pick up the biggest. And why three Ds, by the way?

SPEAKER_03 22:09

I wanted to ask.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Why three Ds? The 1D was taken. Okay. And 2D looks like a mistake, and 3D feels intentional. And also we're broadcasting in 3D here in Heffen. Right. A thing I just saw.

SPEAKER_03 22:21

And you love big boobs.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

What?

SPEAKER_03 22:23

Triple D.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

I it's true. I've actually I can't date girls with big boobs anymore.

SPEAKER_03 22:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

The heartbreak is too much.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

It's true.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Because you don't just lose her.

SPEAKER_03 22:32

Well, bigger the boob, bigger the heart.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

Is that how it works? Because you have to pump all the blood?

SPEAKER_04 22:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

Sorry, just now I'm thinking about boobs.

SPEAKER_03 22:45

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

You're a first grade teacher teaching five children, but you only have four books. How do you go about deciding which child doesn't get a book?

SPEAKER_03 22:56

What age did you say?

SPEAKER_01 22:57

First grade.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

So they are six. Sharing's caring. They'll share a book.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

They have to it's homework they take home. And none of them can be a good one. Which two are sharing.

SPEAKER_03 23:07

None of them can have a sleepover?

SPEAKER_01 23:09

No, they their parents strict. Sleepover in first grade? I wouldn't trust a child.

SPEAKER_03 23:15

You to do what?

SPEAKER_01 23:16

Steal rummage my belongings.

SPEAKER_03 23:20

Well, not he's not coming home with me. There's sleep a sleepover betwixt them, the students.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

I'm saying the parents, if they're good parents, are not letting a sleepover happen in first grade. Sleepovers happen in first grade.

SPEAKER_03 23:31

I didn't do a sleepover till I guess sleepovers are girl and girl culture.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Oh, interesting. That's how we're that's how we create. It's five boys.

SPEAKER_03 23:39

Oh god. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

Five boys, four books.

SPEAKER_03 23:42

Okay, so which one doesn't get the book?

SPEAKER_01 23:45

Which one doesn't get the book? Who are you damning to a life of lesser education?

SPEAKER_03 23:51

Maybe the smartest one, the one that's already like. Wow, interesting. The one that's already doing okay. Doing okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

I mean, it feels like He was gonna cure cancer. And he still might have had this book. No.

SPEAKER_03 24:03

We all know first grade education is like pointless.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

It's really more about socializing. Oh, interesting. So important for him to be seen as less than his peers.

SPEAKER_03 24:12

Oh, they all know who doesn't get the book?

SPEAKER_01 24:14

They have eyes.

SPEAKER_03 24:17

Jimmy doesn't have a book.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

How do you assess smartness? So now you've decided to pick smart. I'm not saying that's right.

SPEAKER_03 24:23

Well, I feel like in the schooling system.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Very utilitarian, very egalitarian.

SPEAKER_03 24:27

In the schooling system, it's we have a sis we have a system that, yeah, is broken.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

You sound like um Betsy DeVos or the new one, the McMahon.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

Or it's like when you're uh when you're there's a system. I don't know much about it. When there's a word count and you're nowhere close.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

There's in our course.

SPEAKER_03 24:46

In our system, there is a system in which there's systemic uh problems. No, I feel like if if there's a straight A student, well, he doesn't knock him down a peg.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

Give him a handicap.

SPEAKER_03 24:58

Well, he doesn't need yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

That's interesting.

SPEAKER_03 25:00

He doesn't he but then it's like, yeah, I guess maybe the one that's not gonna read anyways, maybe he doesn't get the book.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

Oh, interesting. You're going for the the tops or the bottoms.

SPEAKER_03 25:11

But I imagine maybe what teachers are faced with in in today's America.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

Please don't get political. This is not a political podcast.

SPEAKER_03 25:19

I you probably just have to like do your best to do the lesson plan in person and and hopefully not have homework and then be the fucking cool teacher. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

You're saying we don't need any books. Yeah, actually, no homework. Class is outside today.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

Classes outside today, and I'm bringing a TV. Yes! Okay. I'm bringing a TV outside.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

iPads for class.

SPEAKER_03 25:37

Literally. Oh, we we have we don't have enough books, but we can afford iPads.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Interesting.

SPEAKER_03 25:43

I would never be a teacher too. This hypothetical doesn't really work.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Powerful. Um while being a unicorn in a three-way, okay, you discover a stack of letters in the closet.

SPEAKER_03 25:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

The husband has been cheating on his wife.

SPEAKER_03 25:58

By by way of letters?

SPEAKER_01 25:59

Through these letters. Okay. Okay, okay. Do you tell the wife, the husband, do you finish the hookup? What do you do?

SPEAKER_03 26:11

Well, first of all, I read all the letters.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

There's a lot. Yes. You read all the hundred letters.

SPEAKER_03 26:19

If you guys keep going, I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick. Grab the letters. Go to the bathroom.

SPEAKER_01 26:25

Why?

SPEAKER_03 26:25

I love being nosy.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

Oh my god. You're like, this is why I'm here.

SPEAKER_03 26:29

I used to like dog sit and like read people's journals.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

Do not book Savannah DeSarmo as your dog sitter.

SPEAKER_03 26:36

I only did that once.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

I only did that once. Read their what? Journals. They had them out? Yes. Oh my god, what was the T? Oh, we love our dog sitter. She's so beautiful and good with our dog.

SPEAKER_03 26:46

Um, it honestly was like, well, some of it was hard to read. So she obviously was doing morning pages style where it's like guys, make your journals legible to literally.

SPEAKER_01 26:55

I'm trying to find out.

SPEAKER_03 26:57

I think when I have people sublet from my place, I hide what I don't want to be read.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

One must.

SPEAKER_03 27:03

So if you leave it out, that's for it's basically a coffee table book.

SPEAKER_01 27:06

I had uh an clean an organizer sent to my home. A friend came over, a new rich friend. And then she immediately sent a professional organizer to my home because she said it was too messy. And you do have to slowly hide some of the toys that are in different places. Right. And act like those are.

SPEAKER_03 27:25

You have your toys all over your apartment.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

One was in a drawer, and then I had a prop from a show, which was a replica mold of my own penis that was in kind of a props bag. Okay. She was helping me go through, and we had to kind of hide that one a little quickly.

SPEAKER_03 27:40

I feel like organizers probably know that people have sex toys. That's a good point. She knew what she's gonna say. They've probably seen worse no matter what.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

She was this Russian woman, no nonsense, who's like, Do you want this, that? Yes, no. And then she'd see me struggle a little, she's like, keep. And I was like, Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 27:54

I like that Marie Kondo. I'm over her. There should be Svetlana comes in and is like and is like, Thrash.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

Yes. Keep. Rather than like, how does it do it? Oh, what is this seems to like? Shut up. Remember when someone got cancelled for critiquing Marie Kondo and Chrissy Teegan? Somebody It was fuck six years ago. Never mind.

SPEAKER_03 28:19

No.

unknown 28:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Where were we? Oh, you're reading all the letters.

SPEAKER_03 28:23

I'm reading all the letters. And so they're like Savannah goes. Not telling anyone.

SPEAKER_01 28:27

Now we're just a husband and wife in love in our bed.

SPEAKER_03 28:30

Right. Yeah, I'm sure they're in love.

SPEAKER_01 28:31

You don't tell anyone?

SPEAKER_03 28:32

Yeah, I wouldn't tell anyone. That's not my business.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Wow. So you want all the tea, but none of the responsibility. Correct. That's good. I'm putting that in your file.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

Okay, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 28:43

Gossip. Dirty, evil gossip who doesn't intervene. Byster when Enabler, enabler, enabler. Enabler, enabler, enabler.

SPEAKER_03 28:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:54

Um, we may cut this one. It's kind of weird. I don't know where it goes. You're in a desert and you find a one-year-old baby and a 20-year-old man. You only have enough water to give one of them. Who do you give it to?

SPEAKER_03 29:05

The baby.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

I know. I think that was the answer. But then I wanted like But then you have to take care of the baby. The baby dies, yeah. Like the man could get away. You have to kill the baby, I think.

SPEAKER_03 29:14

Wait. Could get away.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

Like you're just gonna give the baby water and then walk away and leave.

SPEAKER_03 29:19

Oh, I'm not taking the baby with me?

SPEAKER_01 29:20

You are taking the baby with you?

SPEAKER_03 29:22

Well, yeah. I find a baby in the middle of the desert.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Yeah. But you leave the man?

SPEAKER_03 29:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 29:28

Like you said, he has a chance of surviving.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

I think he attacks you and steals your water. How strong?

SPEAKER_03 29:34

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's a bear. So I'm giving I'm giving the man or the bear. I'm giving water to one of them and then the other one I have to kill.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Ooh, that's kind of good. Yeah. That.

SPEAKER_03 29:46

Um, yeah, I I would I feel like I would give water to the baby and shoot the guy point blank.

SPEAKER_01 29:52

New hypothetical. You encounter a baby and a 20-year-old man. You have to choose to try to kill one.

SPEAKER_03 30:01

Again, I'm not killing a baby.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

But the man might kill you. It's like it's hand-to-hand combat.

SPEAKER_03 30:07

If I don't kill him, he'll kill me. It's this is a bad hypothetical.

SPEAKER_01 30:10

You might die.

SPEAKER_03 30:11

Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

It's sort of kill a baby, guaranteed life.

SPEAKER_03 30:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 30:15

Or try to kill a man.

SPEAKER_03 30:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 30:18

20 year olds old.

SPEAKER_03 30:19

I don't think you realize this is a bad hypothetical, but I I'll go through, I'll go with it.

SPEAKER_01 30:23

You've never done a bad hypothetical minor.

SPEAKER_03 30:26

I would love the opportunity to shoot a man.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

You don't have a gun. It's hand-to-hand combat.

SPEAKER_03 30:30

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 30:31

No weapons.

SPEAKER_03 30:31

So what what are what he's attacking me no matter what?

SPEAKER_01 30:34

No. If you kill the baby, he won't attack. There's two doors, and inside a baby. If you kill his baby is a baby. It's not his baby. Okay. It's someone's baby.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:46

And a man in the other. You have to go in one door and kill what's inside.

SPEAKER_03 30:50

I'll be honest, I think I could take a 20-year-old guy.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

Really?

SPEAKER_03 30:54

20 years old? Have you seen the testosterone is so down these days. They're all so fucking skinny.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

I could handle a smacking low teeth.

SPEAKER_03 31:02

Literally. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:03

You're gonna mog them.

SPEAKER_03 31:04

I'm gonna out mog that little twink.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

You take on the twin. Okay. I'm proud of you.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 31:10

That was kind of beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 31:11

And then I'd shoot the baby.

SPEAKER_01 31:15

All right, Savannah. Let's get to some confessions. You've said that you can do bad, good. Let's hear about when you've done bad, down, bad.

SPEAKER_03 31:24

Bad, bad. Good bad.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

This is where we talk about again. We have all this information on you already. We have a list of all your murders that you may or may not have cheating, lying, stealing. These are just things. If you confess it, it hurts less than your permanent record.

SPEAKER_03 31:38

I have a question.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 31:41

When I was at Christian Slip Slepaway Camp.

SPEAKER_01 31:44

Sounds like a statement. In Arkansas. So far a statement.

SPEAKER_03 31:47

My counselor told me that from the viewpoint of God up above.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

All sins are equal.

SPEAKER_03 31:56

All sins are equal. Like Oreos stacked. So one Oreo versus ten Oreos from his point of view looks like one Oreo.

SPEAKER_01 32:07

So if you did one sin versus a hundred sin.

SPEAKER_03 32:10

Or a s or small sin versus big sin. Oh my God. Premarital sex, murder.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Are all the same. Jesus, that's a rich visual.

SPEAKER_03 32:20

I know. I it's so rich I've never, it's the only thing I remember from camp.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

As someone who to forced their mother to take them to the local grocery store for the Oreo stacking competition.

SPEAKER_03 32:30

No.

SPEAKER_01 32:31

National.

SPEAKER_03 32:32

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

That the store did not know anything about when we arrived. It's like, hi, I'm supposed to be able to stack Oreos here. How'd you send this? It was on the packaging and advertised on television in local markets. And so I went Across the Nation? Across the nation. And I think I stacked like 10, no, probably eight Oreos. Ten it starts to do that.

SPEAKER_03 32:51

Do you remember Speed Stacks? Did you have those? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Think of that with Oreos.

SPEAKER_01 32:56

Once every other week I'm watching that girl.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

I got a ticket for the line. No, that's different. That's different. But shot whiskey and money. And you said every week, by the way?

SPEAKER_01 33:07

Every month or so.

SPEAKER_02 33:08

You're re checking in with.

SPEAKER_01 33:10

No, it finds its way to me. Like I'm like a child coming to the city. The algorithm you try to do. Like the prodigal speed stacking.

SPEAKER_03 33:17

That's that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

What a rich visual. Yeah. Okay. And way to dodge the questions.

SPEAKER_03 33:22

I'm wondering if that's true. Can you can you confirm or deny if she was telling the truth?

SPEAKER_01 33:26

Sins, I mean, technically one sin, you go to hell. But according to who?

SPEAKER_03 33:34

No, you can confess and then it goes away.

SPEAKER_01 33:36

Well, you have to We wouldn't have a show if we didn't talk about all the sins equally. Okay. It's kind of it's similar to the Oreos, but we don't God's gonna pick one of your Oreos and At random. At random.

SPEAKER_03 33:51

Russian roulette.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

And the more you confess the Oreo, the smaller it gets. Okay. Oreos are sin.

SPEAKER_03 33:57

So you just want me to confess all of my sins. Big or small.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

So the big ones. Okay. I mean, ideally the funniest one. I st I we don't know what's funny yet. Because it might become funny.

SPEAKER_03 34:08

I mean, com the thing about being a comedian is you should be able to make the mundane funny, but here we go. Wait, is that what it was? Write that down, write that down.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

Have you ever have you I you don't seem like a what percentage evil are you?

SPEAKER_03 34:24

I feel like that's subjective.

SPEAKER_01 34:28

That's the most annoying answer to any question. I feel subjective.

SPEAKER_03 34:32

I feel like that's a subjective question.

SPEAKER_01 34:33

How are you today?

SPEAKER_03 34:34

That's subjective. I'll say 40, 40. Is that big? 40% evil? 30?

SPEAKER_01 34:40

30% evil?

SPEAKER_03 34:42

What number would make you less than a little bit?

SPEAKER_01 34:44

I feel like if it's over 10, I'm not going on a road trip with you.

SPEAKER_03 34:49

I don't think you're dying to go on a road trip with me.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

We would we have talked about going on the amazing race. We which is the ultimate road. The way you said that was great delivery. The ultimate road trip. Ultimate road trip. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 35:03

In our audition video, we're gonna clip this out.

SPEAKER_01 35:05

Oh, that's fun. Savannah and I have known each other for over two years and have a pre-existing relationship and are excited to test it on the open fields.

SPEAKER_03 35:13

We want to go to Bali, we want to jump off a cliff and then run into the arms of the host.

SPEAKER_01 35:17

I'm not doing the skydiving. Yeah, we've been over this. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 35:21

We've we've been over this. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 35:22

I won't skydive, bungee jumps.

SPEAKER_03 35:24

I'm more likely to do the thrilling things, and then you can ask for directions.

SPEAKER_01 35:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 35:28

No, wait, actually, I said you would actually be bad at that as well.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

You do other languages.

SPEAKER_03 35:32

But you're more in shape than me.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

Stop. Keep going. That means you're gonna hold us back when we're running to the finish line.

SPEAKER_03 35:38

Physically, I might hold us back. I can but I can jump off cliffs and I can I can get a driver to go quicker.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

Oh, from your feminine wiles.

SPEAKER_03 35:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:47

I'm like George.

SPEAKER_03 35:52

His tongue's out of his mouth.

SPEAKER_01 35:54

Keep those girls away. Of course. God will not be lured. No tits, no tits in heaven. That would be so sad. Everyone gets a double vasectomy when they arrive.

SPEAKER_03 36:03

Wait, is it that there's the absence of tits in heaven because there's no sexuality? Or if heaven is heavenly, everyone would have tits.

SPEAKER_01 36:12

Oh. You know what I mean? I should know the answer to this. But I never look down. I haven't looked.

SPEAKER_03 36:17

Right?

SPEAKER_01 36:17

I'm so pure up here. I'm not looking down to see who's got what.

SPEAKER_03 36:22

My eyes are down here.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

My God's eyes are everywhere.

SPEAKER_03 36:26

I'm 10% evil, just like you said.

SPEAKER_02 36:28

No, I feel like it's like 17% evil. You're very sneakily dodging confessing your sins.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Can I say away with conversation?

SPEAKER_02 36:35

You got away with words to weasel your way in and out of things.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

I feel like in love you've done some hurtful things to people. Um biggest regret.

SPEAKER_03 36:44

People hurt people. How about that?

SPEAKER_01 36:46

Oh. Powerful defense.

SPEAKER_03 36:49

I think I hold my own. I was gonna say I steal.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

No, you don't.

SPEAKER_03 36:52

Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

I feel like everyone we've booked so far has a theft story.

SPEAKER_03 36:58

What are you stealing? Um, I steal makeup.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

Oh my god. Like from Walgreens or from Sephora?

SPEAKER_03 37:05

Um, well, Sephora has better makeup.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

You're stealing from Sephora?

SPEAKER_03 37:10

But here's my trick.

SPEAKER_01 37:12

Our sponsor.

SPEAKER_03 37:13

But here's my trick is I think you get all that you want, put it in a bag, steal half of it, and pay for the other half.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

This is interesting. I do think it's sort of building your own discount into the And it's all over in.

SPEAKER_03 37:28

Kate Berlant has a famous joke about this, but it's like if as women we're sold that our value is based on our beauty from the get, how are they to charge us for this? This is like you know, I think some of it should be free. Comped.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

That's interesting.

SPEAKER_03 37:43

I'm more likely to get a job if I'm wearing makeup than if I'm not.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

Oh wow. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_03 37:47

I'm more likely likely to get laid if I'm wearing makeup.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

More likely to get booked on this podcast.

SPEAKER_03 37:52

Literally. You think I wasn't I was gonna come here without a cat eye?

SPEAKER_01 37:55

You look incredible. Think here. Your eyes look amazing. Except the bangs. And your bangs exist and they matter, and they're real.

SPEAKER_03 38:02

That's true.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

To me and you.

SPEAKER_03 38:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

Wait, uh so women are allowed to steal makeup. Yeah. What can men steal? What are uh condoms?

SPEAKER_03 38:12

Yeah, that's what I was kind of thinking.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:14

Steal condoms. Condoms can get expensive.

SPEAKER_02 38:16

Maybe free therapy for the boys.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

Because the patriarchy affects men too.

SPEAKER_03 38:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:22

We're you're f you're you're fooled if you think not. Like emotionally broken. Like we don't get to express ourselves. We we get to steal men get to steal art supplies. Yeah. What? Books. Wow. But those don't exist anymore.

SPEAKER_03 38:38

Exactly. Well, you could just get a library card.

SPEAKER_01 38:40

How much makeup do you think you've stolen in your entire life?

SPEAKER_03 38:44

It's also Target.

SPEAKER_01 38:45

You do it at Target? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:46

And somebody told how much makeup? Well, this isn't fair because like the price, it's like it is expensive. Because makeup's expensive.

SPEAKER_01 38:54

You just want to let name it in units, like 10 makeups.

SPEAKER_03 38:57

Right. Um, probably like Is it gonna be grand larceny?

SPEAKER_01 39:02

Would you not confess this?

SPEAKER_03 39:04

Yeah, maybe not. No, I mean it's like under 50.

SPEAKER_01 39:07

When did you dollars?

SPEAKER_03 39:09

Units. And the unit is a full The thing with Target. A friend of mine told me that Target, it's like if you steal one thing.

SPEAKER_01 39:18

They don't care.

SPEAKER_03 39:19

They're not gonna get you tracked. But they have secrets, especially with AI, they have they have secret cameras all around and they're waiting for you to steal enough merchandise, and they get they get you every time they're building a dossier on you, and then when you cross the threshold and you've gone over, let's say, 50 units of things. So you're staying right under you've got I think that that's a a lie by Big Target, that they've been slowly disseminating into culture because you've heard that, right? About that they're building specifically Target.

SPEAKER_01 39:46

Target, I think yes. Yeah. Maybe Target and Walmart. They won't go after the little guys with too much effort.

SPEAKER_03 39:52

Exactly, which is true. They will only go over after the big guys, but I think that that's a lie and that they're not gonna, they're not building a fan cam of me stealing candles. But I haven't stolen from Target yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like to Slater's, like, Craig it!

SPEAKER_01 40:13

Slater has a lot of Ys in her name, and you don't call that out, but you didn't like the D's in my email. That was a long way to go for that cheap little jab. Did you know I worked at Target? That was my first job out of school. Really? Not out of school, in school. I could see the guest services. And I wanted to work guest services, the returns counter. Uh, but they put me on cart duty and I felt discriminated against because I was this strapping 16-year-old lad that they may do physical management.

SPEAKER_03 40:41

I'm sure you have to work your way up to being able to stand in one place.

SPEAKER_01 40:45

Yes. I got trained on Food Avenue when they used to have popcorn before the Starbucks. They had popcorn? Target used to smell like popcorn. People forget this.

SPEAKER_03 40:54

They used to have samples.

SPEAKER_01 40:55

It was disgusting and it reeked when you walked in and it was not fancy. Now it's a now they're Starbuckses. They sold, I think it was no, they sold popcorn.

SPEAKER_03 41:02

You can get free refills, you know that.

SPEAKER_01 41:04

I mean, with you, you can get free everything, it sounds like everything's free in the store.

SPEAKER_03 41:09

You get a Starbucks in Target, and as you shop, you finish that drink. Go back to Starbucks and you'll get free refills. And don't quote me on that, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 41:15

No gold car member, you get free iced coffee and hot tea hot. Free from the beginning. If you stay in the same location.

SPEAKER_03 41:22

Okay. Can you leave and come back?

SPEAKER_01 41:25

No. New transactions.

SPEAKER_03 41:26

You have to go, you have to get it, take a knee, chug it, then you can go back. Then you can go back and get a refill.

SPEAKER_01 41:33

So you're but we I watched, I watched an employee get taken out in handcuffed. She had been doing some kind of weird stealing for months and months and months.

SPEAKER_03 41:42

Well, I'm sure the employees are not allowed to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 41:45

No, that's frowned upon.

SPEAKER_03 41:46

The customers can steal that.

SPEAKER_01 41:47

The company could steal, though. They were stealing my labor by paying me five dollars and twenty-five cents an hour.

SPEAKER_03 41:54

Not just your labor, your time and your youth. It was awful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

I but I did like talking to people. It helped socialize me, I think.

SPEAKER_03 42:01

Right. Well, and this is where this is what I mean where you'll fail in amazing race because you'll go to ask a guy uh for directions, and then you'll end up talking about like attachment theories with some guy in in Taiwan.

SPEAKER_01 42:12

Sorry, I connect.

SPEAKER_03 42:13

Yeah, yeah. You're building community and I'm trying to win.

SPEAKER_01 42:15

Yeah. You see people as tools on your way towards fame and success and fortune. I'm here building a grassroots collective.

SPEAKER_03 42:23

Right. You need to build fans for your project.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

To win the real amazing race, you get everyone in the world to love you, and then they um kind of carry you, crowd surf you to the finish line.

SPEAKER_03 42:35

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 42:35

If you have enough people on your side, you can win that race.

SPEAKER_03 42:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01 42:38

What if better Amazing Race? You run the race, and then they're at the end, they have a jury of everyone you interacted with and they vote on who deserves it. How kind they were to the locals.

SPEAKER_03 42:52

I think all the time about like who's gonna be at my deathbed.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

Can I?

SPEAKER_03 42:58

May I?

SPEAKER_01 42:59

I I've got a three percent chance, I think. I go first.

SPEAKER_03 43:03

Well, so much time has to pass. I know. But I think I mean it's possible.

SPEAKER_01 43:07

Yeah, we've started kind of hot.

SPEAKER_03 43:10

Too hot, too hot.

SPEAKER_01 43:11

Yeah, it's more like too hot to handle log, yeah. Who's gonna be? Mom? Well no, mom's mom's gonna be gone. Sorry.

SPEAKER_03 43:18

Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 43:18

Little sis.

SPEAKER_03 43:19

Well, we don't know that actually.

SPEAKER_01 43:20

You are grooming little sis to be at your bedside.

SPEAKER_03 43:23

No, not just that. Like, I'm not planning on having kids as of now. So, like, she's also gonna like care for me.

SPEAKER_01 43:28

It's gonna be a select invite. It's gonna be a short RSVP list.

SPEAKER_03 43:33

I think I'll have I think I have I think I have a great chosen family.

SPEAKER_01 43:38

Oh, but not a lesbian.

SPEAKER_03 43:40

Not a lesbian.

SPEAKER_01 43:41

Interesting. Not in full. Yeah, you're using that phrase. You're by?

SPEAKER_03 43:44

Just lesbians are allowed to use chosen family?

SPEAKER_01 43:46

I think anyone in the oh god.

SPEAKER_03 43:50

It's only for it's only for queer community.

SPEAKER_01 43:51

I think only cis gay men get to say chosen family. Everybody can. And say it. Choose your family. All right, Savannah. It's time for the lightning round. All right. We've seen your good deeds, your bad deeds. Your dilemmas. Okay, gotcha. That's all. Maybe. Um. Or I was just reading the vibe. Well, you can go back if you need to say there's something.

SPEAKER_03 44:17

I did one other bad thing.

SPEAKER_01 44:18

There'll be time. Let's let's see how you do with the Okay, yeah, go. Now you need to send some things to heaven or hell.

SPEAKER_03 44:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:24

Instantly. Okay. Should the following things go to heaven or hell?

SPEAKER_03 44:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:28

Jeff Bezos.

SPEAKER_03 44:29

Hell.

SPEAKER_01 44:29

Correct. Spirit Airlines.

SPEAKER_03 44:32

Heaven.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

Oh wow, change of tune. Lena Dunham.

SPEAKER_03 44:36

Heaven.

SPEAKER_01 44:37

Met Gala.

SPEAKER_03 44:40

Hell.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

Correct. Coinbase. I don't actually know what Coinbase is. That's the one that had the Super Bowl commercial. Oh, okay. Are they AI? I think, yeah. Did you get it? AI or crypto or something. Saying hey, before giving bad news. Over text? Yes. Hey, exclamation point. Hey, it's not gonna work out. That's hell. That's hell. Good. Jury duty.

SPEAKER_03 45:02

The show?

SPEAKER_01 45:03

No, what I'm on right now and can't talk about.

SPEAKER_03 45:06

Um I love the democratic process, so heaven.

SPEAKER_01 45:09

Well, you think that and then you're through. It's it's very What kind of case is it?

SPEAKER_03 45:15

Murder? I can't say. I'm not allowed to say uh hell.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

Um because you want me to. Oh wow, civic duties. Yeah, doing your civic duties that's jury duty goes to heaven.

SPEAKER_03 45:28

What are other civic duties?

SPEAKER_01 45:29

I don't voting.

SPEAKER_03 45:30

Roading.

SPEAKER_01 45:31

Voting. Voting? Yeah. Heaven, even though I think it's uh-oh, hot take. No vote?

SPEAKER_03 45:38

I've I vote, but I feel like it doesn't do anything.

SPEAKER_01 45:40

Survivor 50. I don't watch how Survivor 500.

SPEAKER_03 45:45

That sounds exciting.

SPEAKER_01 45:48

So far in the future. People saying they're gonna buy their mom a house if they win on a reality TV competition.

SPEAKER_03 45:53

Heaven. You have to.

SPEAKER_01 45:55

I think that goes to hell. It's so annoying.

SPEAKER_03 45:57

So you if we win Amazing Race, you're not gonna buy your mom a house. The only I don't have a house?

SPEAKER_01 46:02

I don't like that I don't have a family and everyone says they're playing for their family. Right.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

But I think it's because producers make them say that. Interesting. One of us has to be playing for our family.

SPEAKER_01 46:11

So I are you playing for? Your little sister. Myself. Does she does anyone? Do you have an illness? Wait. We can be playing for your bangs. We're here to get Savannah uh monthly cuts for bangs.

SPEAKER_03 46:25

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 46:25

That's kind of fun. The self-centered winners.

SPEAKER_03 46:27

Yeah, there's gotta be one.

SPEAKER_01 46:29

Wait, a million divided by two for taxes, divided by two between us.

SPEAKER_03 46:32

Right. It's only 125. No, it's not good.

SPEAKER_01 46:35

That's a a year or two of life.

SPEAKER_03 46:39

Right. But in that time, we'll have time to build our empire.

SPEAKER_01 46:45

Oh. And invest in the world. We become content creators. Right. We your funeral is happening live now on Earth. Okay. Did you know this? And we've got uh we've got uh uh audio file from Earth. We're clicking in. This is uh Lorena.

SPEAKER_03 47:02

Lorena?

SPEAKER_01 47:02

Lorena Rusi has an exciting message for why you belong in heaven.

SPEAKER_00 47:07

Oh my god. Evan Savannah Desarmo deverie because it's more linda, linda, linda si. Linda, linda, linda si on create contigo and create a goal un gol, goal, goal, goal para Colombia. But Sabana Desarmo in El Cielo, aka Evan.

SPEAKER_01 47:41

I don't speak Spanish, so I can only assume that was all bad. Minus 500 point. Do you speak Spanish?

SPEAKER_03 47:49

I don't.

SPEAKER_01 47:50

Wait, really? No! I thought at least you would translate pretty much.

SPEAKER_03 47:53

I heard Linda, Linda, Linda. We know what that means. Linda means pretty.

SPEAKER_01 47:57

No, it doesn't.

SPEAKER_03 47:58

Yes, it does. That's a girl's name. Well.

SPEAKER_01 48:01

Linda means pretty? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 48:03

That's sweet. Yes. So I think I think he called me pretty at one point.

SPEAKER_01 48:07

Oh, you want to be pretty. Or that's what you belong in heaven, because you're so pretty, pretty, pretty.

SPEAKER_03 48:11

Well, like you said, aesthetics aren't a fun factor.

SPEAKER_01 48:15

You're our our heaven's next bombshell.

SPEAKER_03 48:18

Coming right in. A new bombshell. You into heaven.

SPEAKER_01 48:21

You wanted to get some final, you had a final thing you needed to get off your bag.

SPEAKER_03 48:24

I don't need to keep talking if it's over.

SPEAKER_01 48:27

But this is your last chance. Of other things I've done wrong? Or not.

SPEAKER_03 48:31

One time an ex, I was mad about an ex. Oh no. And I signed him up for. You know when you can sign up for have you ever accidentally signed up for more information from an online insurance page?

SPEAKER_01 48:44

Never. Well, if you don't believe in insurance.

SPEAKER_03 48:47

Right. If you do, they will call you forever, every hour, for months.

SPEAKER_01 48:55

No.

SPEAKER_03 48:55

And you just have to ignore it for months. And eventually they go away. So I signed him up for seven of those.

SPEAKER_01 49:01

No, poor guy. How was he in the relationship? He deserved this.

SPEAKER_03 49:09

You know, I felt wronged. I felt sad. I felt mad. And at first I was like, Savannah, are you gonna do this? This feels petty. But then I did it and I felt so good.

SPEAKER_01 49:19

Did he ever catch on?

SPEAKER_03 49:21

I don't know. I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 49:22

Wow. That's that's that's vengeance.

SPEAKER_03 49:27

That feels it's like that feels good. This feels doing bad good because I didn't want to inflict actual harm on him. I just wanted like paper cuts. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:37

Have I ever done something that petty?

SPEAKER_02 49:43

No.

unknown 49:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 49:45

When my when I moved out for my ex, I took the sheets. That was petty. I had to move. You wanted the sheets? No, but I wanted him they were mine, and I wanted him to come home to a bed without sheets to be slightly inconvenienced for breaking my heart. I do remember that.

SPEAKER_03 50:02

Did you wash them? Did you keep using them? Or did you just trash them?

SPEAKER_01 50:06

I cried into them every night. Right. No, I think I probably knowing me, I definitely didn't wash them.

SPEAKER_03 50:11

I think it would have been better to take the sheets, put them in the tub, douse them in water, like make them wet, and then put them back on.

SPEAKER_01 50:17

Oh, that's sinister. Yeah. Wait, your evil mind.

SPEAKER_03 50:20

You know where I got that from? Is my great-great grandmother, her house was haunted by a ghost.

SPEAKER_01 50:26

Okay. This is in the in New Orleans or Louisiana.

SPEAKER_03 50:29

In Louisiana, yeah, but in the country. And uh she had a little ghost in there, and he would like, when she was doing laundry, he would like make the laundry go up while she's folding. And then one time she went in her to her bed and the the mattress was wet and nothing else.

SPEAKER_01 50:48

From the ghost?

SPEAKER_03 50:49

From the ghost, they assume. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:50

Well, the the ghost like pee on the bed or no, I mean I don't think.

SPEAKER_03 50:55

Yeah, spilled some water.

SPEAKER_01 50:57

That's evil.

SPEAKER_03 50:58

I think it's you know, it's kind of just like a poltergeist. It was just like a little rascally little ghost. Anyways, that's what you should have under your ex.

SPEAKER_01 51:06

Going back in time to do that to him now.

SPEAKER_03 51:09

I'm gonna kill you.

SPEAKER_01 51:10

Alright, Savannah. Wait, I did have one other little game. Sorry, you talked so much about nothing. No, it's fine. I wrote down I said fun.

SPEAKER_03 51:22

I said, um, greed, I have that, I do that one. You got that one. Sloth, I have that one.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

You got the sloth.

SPEAKER_03 51:28

Envy. I think jealousy can be a good thing. You can reframe it.

SPEAKER_01 51:33

Comedian New York means greed, sloth, and envy. Yeah, exactly. It's all happening.

SPEAKER_03 51:37

I lie, I do lie sometimes. I think toxic honesty is is true.

SPEAKER_01 51:42

That's a real thing. Being too honest.

SPEAKER_03 51:44

No, I don't think it's a sin, but I think like honest pure unadulterated honesty.

SPEAKER_01 51:49

Oh, is toxic.

SPEAKER_03 51:50

Yeah, it can be you sometimes sometimes withholding truth can be.

SPEAKER_01 51:55

Like right now, the curtain is blue, but I'm not saying it.

SPEAKER_03 51:59

Right.

SPEAKER_01 52:00

Maybe that's a bad example. Like, like your bangs look terrible. And I haven't said that.

SPEAKER_03 52:05

Right. And you've said it.

SPEAKER_01 52:06

But I've alluded to it. Your bangs look beautiful, and so are you.

SPEAKER_03 52:11

Kill, kill, Linda, Linda, Linda.

SPEAKER_01 52:13

We don't have time for this. Kill, kill, kill.

SPEAKER_03 52:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 52:16

Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., and the Buddha.

SPEAKER_03 52:19

And I have to kill them all.

SPEAKER_01 52:21

Uh, you have to select which goes with which, and it's kill, kill, or kill Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., and the Buddha.

SPEAKER_03 52:28

I'm not gonna have you clip me clip clipping. Kill Mother Teresa. And what were the other options?

SPEAKER_01 52:36

Martin Luther King Jr.

SPEAKER_03 52:38

What was the other option?

SPEAKER_01 52:39

The Buddha.

SPEAKER_03 52:40

Kill him. Oh, wow. No, I think Buddhism is actually the best religion there is.

SPEAKER_01 52:46

Hot take. Yeah. I think most people agree.

SPEAKER_03 52:48

Oh, didn't know that. So cold take. Cold take.

SPEAKER_01 52:50

They all go to hell though. I think that the Buddhists, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_03 52:55

Even if they're a good Christian by definition.

SPEAKER_01 52:58

And a Buddhist? Yeah. Show me one. Bring him in. Get you a man who can do both. If now it's time for your Scrooge moment. If you could go back to Earth right now and do one thing differently, what are you gonna do differently?

SPEAKER_03 53:13

Um I would pursue a life, a simple life, away from New York City, not pursuing the evil.

SPEAKER_01 53:24

This brings out your evil.

SPEAKER_03 53:26

New York City brings out my evil, and having to give all of my evenings away to being in a dark corner of a bar performing my my art.

SPEAKER_01 53:40

I think we just learned something. And you should put that into effect immediately.

SPEAKER_03 53:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 53:46

I'm gonna send this off to God. One second. Um please sing the latest Brooks and Dunn song into the camera while I give this to God.

SPEAKER_03 53:54

Mammaria. I don't know the rest.

SPEAKER_01 54:05

God said, please stop. You're You're in! I got in! You got in heaven.

SPEAKER_03 54:10

Asterisk. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 54:12

You can't, you're not allowed to sing anymore. Okay. And you do, we need bangs.

SPEAKER_03 54:18

You need the bangs.

SPEAKER_01 54:19

The bangs need to be trimmed. You need a strong bang. God wants a strong bang.

SPEAKER_03 54:23

Uh like Matilda.

SPEAKER_01 54:25

God wants you to look just like Matilda when you get into heaven.

SPEAKER_03 54:28

Okay. So that's what he's into.

SPEAKER_01 54:30

You've been a you've been a you did bad good. And no one cannot do bad. But to do bad good and to do good good is love. Genesis 419.

SPEAKER_03 54:43

It's love, it's love, it's love, it's love, it's love.

SPEAKER_01 54:45

Thanks for tuning in to Judgment Day with our delightful guest, Savannah DeSarmo. Please follow her in that huge rack online. What's your handle, baby?

SPEAKER_03 54:54

At Savannah D-E-S-O.

SPEAKER_01 54:57

Oh, it's the best. Um, you post stand-up clips and stuff? I do.

SPEAKER_03 55:02

I post clips and funny videos and she's a delight. Stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01 55:07

We I did want to ask the when we did a show together in New Orleans for four people. And did that benefit or hurt society? Do we think that was a net positive?

SPEAKER_03 55:16

I think it was actually a very good show. I liked that one better than the other one with more people.

SPEAKER_01 55:21

Less is more.

SPEAKER_03 55:22

Less is more. And then there was the one, which one was it where it was like the woman that kept saying hello?

SPEAKER_01 55:27

Oh god, I forgot about her. Hello. She talked the whole time. I had enough time to leave when other people were on stage, and I think I bought her like a pacifier from the Walgreens and gave it to her in order to silence her. She was just kept saying, Hello.

SPEAKER_03 55:42

Hello. Hello. You would say a punchline right before people started laughing. She'd go, uh hello. So she got the laughs.

SPEAKER_01 55:49

She stole those sweet laps from me. And you didn't do that today. Thanks for tuning into Judgment Day. Please subscribe, like, follow, comment, etc., etc. Email Judgment Day pod with 3Ds with your ethical quandaries, and we'll answer them on the show. You've been a delight. Thanks for supporting the pod, and we'll see you next time in heaven with other people dying.