Judgment Day

Asher Perlman is not getting you sick

• Zach Zimmerman • Season 1 • Episode 6

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0:00 | 1:01:08

Welcome to Heaven, Asher Perlman! Writer, comedian, cartoonist, and homeschooler Asher is ready to complement his way through the Perlman- gates. Will being a sweetheart be enough?

If you like the podcast, drop us a rating! Or - what the hell - share it with a friend. :)

Tune in every week to hear comedians and cool people defend their choices with eternal consequences. Ex-evangelical Zach Zimmerman -- me! -- hosts.

If you're a fan of comedy podcasts, maybe you'll be a fan of this one!

Follow Judgment Day on social:

https://www.instagram.com/judgmentdaypoddd/

https://www.instagram.com/zzdoublezz/

https://www.tiktok.com/@zzdoublezz

Follow our guest Asher Perlman!

https://www.instagram.com/asherperlman/

https://asherperlman.substack.com

📩 Got a moral dilemma? Email yours to: judgmentdaypoddd@gmail.com

SPEAKER_01

You need a gimmick.

SPEAKER_03

Um just take this from me. Just can't just dab with friends. Just clip this visual. I would need a gimmick.

SPEAKER_01

I would love to just talk to my friends, but to stand out in this fractured media landscape, you gotta have a gimmick.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Now you have died and gone to heaven. You'll be interviewed by an entry level. Don't ask your big questions about the things that you did. Whether you are a good person.

SPEAKER_02

How frequently do your guests talk about this the second they sit down? Because I feel like this is such an obvious thing to talk about.

SPEAKER_01

Only one did, and that was the first time it was revealed, and we got a pretty good bit out of it. It was a black man who was like, Oh, you have cotton. Oh, I listened to this. That's weird.

SPEAKER_02

I've been I've been listening.

SPEAKER_01

You studied.

SPEAKER_02

I listened to his, I listened to Savannah's. Savannah's her name, right?

SPEAKER_01

Savannah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Savannah's and I just started uh something coffee.

SPEAKER_01

Are you Sarah Coffee?

SPEAKER_02

Sarah Coffee.

SPEAKER_01

You're our first guest to listen to previous guests' episodes. Long time, first time. And what have you learned?

SPEAKER_02

What have I learned?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I've learned that. Do you think you're getting in? And what are you going to do to uh make your case?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, I don't know. I haven't thought about that. I haven't thought about it that far. But I what I have learned is that I love I love the pod. I love you. I'm excited to be here.

SPEAKER_01

Aww. Sounded earnest, everybody. That is earnest. Sounded real. That's real. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to Judgment Day. I'm Zex Immerman, Angel on Earth, auditing the new arrivals in heaven. Today we've got Asher Perlman, cartoonist, comedian, writer. Welcome, Asher. Do you want to know how you died? I would I'm I'm I'm I was going to say I'm dying to know. I really I would love to know. You were drawing one of your daily cartoons when your pencil broke. You got a little too anxious, you pressed a little too hard, and it it pierced your neck. Oh, there's the ambulance taking your body to the hospital. Oh no. Your soul's. I just died. You literally just died.

SPEAKER_02

This was an immediate.

SPEAKER_01

I get you.

SPEAKER_02

You pop up. Okay, yeah. You're in front of the line. So it's interesting. So I didn't know that I died this way. So this happened so suddenly. I I didn't know it happened.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, interesting. Yeah. I guess I don't have to tell you how you died. It was so fast. No, no, because I don't remember that.

SPEAKER_02

So you're right. It happened so far.

SPEAKER_01

I blacked out. But a pencil pierced your neck, and then uh good to know your final cartoon. You did it did end up getting submitted to the New Yorker. It has sled spatters on it. Um what did Emma say? Well, it's uh it's gonna be a caption contest.

SPEAKER_03

Caption contest. So it's okay.

SPEAKER_01

But the drawing was good. Drawing's great. Hey, I'll take it. Has that does that happen? Where like this would be great for the caption contests?

SPEAKER_02

I think that's almost exclusively how it happens.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, funny.

SPEAKER_02

Where the joke could be stronger, but the picture is great. Yeah. And so um it gets uh yeah. Is that a win? Or it feels like a I feel like I'm speaking out of school because I've never had it happen to me. But but I do I think people consider it a win because you get paid the same amount. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_01

So uh and people are interacting with it and having fun. You get to see the jokes that people come up with. But it's never happened to you.

SPEAKER_02

It's never happened to me. I feel like now it might. All of my captions are too perfect, they say. No one, even if we submitted this to everyone on earth, no one would come up with a better caption.

SPEAKER_01

I'm blown away by your cartoon success. This podcast rocks. I just love this so much already. We just compliment each other forever. I do have to audit your soul and decide if you belong in heaven at the end. Oh, okay. But we can have a great time together leading up to that. Okay, okay. But the stakes have never been higher. But also, don't worry. I do need to get your opening statement on record. Okay. You've got 30 seconds. We're pulling it up on my iPhone to tell us, Ashroproman, why do you belong in heaven? Your time starts now. Why I belong in heaven.

SPEAKER_02

I belong in heaven because, well, you know what? Let's well, okay, I'm a good person. And that's that's a third of the time. Uh let's rely on nep let's rely on nepotism here. Or not nepotism. What do you call it? Uh friendship? Friendship. So I'm relying on I'm asking you, as someone who's known me for a long time, before you were an angel, what do you call it?

SPEAKER_01

Grandfather it in.

SPEAKER_02

Grandfather me in. We go way back. Just just do pull give me a solid. Do me a solid. Okay. How do you do me a solid? Do me a solid.

SPEAKER_01

You really lean into that. Well, just Asher and I do go way back for our listeners. I think. Is it 16 years?

SPEAKER_02

What if I told you that before I got here, I found a picture that might be the earliest photograph of us together?

SPEAKER_01

Is this a birthday girl photo? It has to be. Asher and I were part of the Chicago improv scene 2010 to 2017. Um, okay, actually, I'm not in this picture. You're it's a picture I took. I took the picture, though. Isn't that the most hurtful thing when you take the picture and get the memory and then you're not a part of it?

SPEAKER_02

I think it's beautiful. This is right here. Look, look at that. Oh my god, I'm a baby. I also found some of you in New York, but it was before you moved to New York. Tom and Andrew Knox.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, we Asher and I were part of one of the improv teams, the Herald teams from Iowa, Chicago. I mean, we don't have to tell the listeners, surely they know.

SPEAKER_02

We we blew up. You were in the downstairs theater of the of the old I.O. theater in 2010. You would have seen us at least twice.

SPEAKER_01

The thing is, it felt like it really mattered. I don't know if that was your experience, but it felt like everyone knew. It felt like it was the only thing that mattered. It was the only thing.

SPEAKER_02

And the oh, the narcissism of your early 20s.

SPEAKER_01

Paying a woman ten dollars every week to watch us improvise, a coach they called it. Doctor Coach. And to do a show then for 10 people at 10.30 p.m. on a Tuesday. Actually, that was a sweet spot. The bad ones were Thursday. Yeah, it felt like we were gods. We were.

SPEAKER_02

Gods. We were gods that occasionally got to play freeze tag with puppets.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

SPEAKER_02

Did you ever We've alienated everyone? Do you this is a later. Do you have Nielsen ratings where you can track it minute by minute?

SPEAKER_01

You will see boom. It's actually we we have three listeners, but they're devoted. They listen to everything. Quality never go away. And they're all billionaires, so they buy things. Excellent.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Any products you want to promote. Do you think the Chicago MPRF scene overall good for humanity, bad for humanity?

SPEAKER_02

Great for humanity.

SPEAKER_01

Really? Absolutely. Wow. Because it gives, you know, disposable income kids from liberal arts colleges something to do with their creativity for five to ten years.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, I think that. That's that's valuable. Also, what are we missing in society? Third spaces. It gives people a third space community. It gives a a sense of the.

SPEAKER_01

The theater as third space.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, theater is and improv specifically, because you're bouncing around all these different teams. So it's not just like, you know, you do a play.

SPEAKER_01

Well, some of us bounced around different teams. I feel like you're saying something without saying it. Some of us got cut. Oh god. And not replaced on a new Herald.

SPEAKER_02

Well, you could have cut, but you kept doing it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but I didn't get put back on a team.

SPEAKER_02

On another herald, too. That was devastating. Somehow we've lost even more.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I've lost you, clearly. That was I brought it up. I think that was the first time I ever experienced a no in my young life. And that's why it was so devastating. That's amazing. That was the first. Well, Harvard rejected me. But then when when IO, when a free improv theater says no, when I.

SPEAKER_02

Also, important context: Harvard rejected you, but Yale accepted you.

SPEAKER_01

Princeton. Princeton. Never applied to Yale. But thank you. You would have gotten it. Wow. We go way back. Doesn't remember my alma mater.

SPEAKER_02

I really do think that I would have remembered. If you've given me a second, I would have remembered.

SPEAKER_01

You could have gotten there. You could go to U Wisconsin. Spitfire. Spitfire. Quipfire. Wow. Quipfire. Good recovery. Quipfire, improv comedy, Princeton University. You went to U Wisconsin. I did not. You where'd you go?

SPEAKER_03

Where's my where's my little clipboard so I can't.

SPEAKER_02

I'm not the one trying to get something from you. I went to Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin. That sounds that's Ivy League. It is, you know, they call it the Harvard of the Midwest. Do they? I mean, they do. I thought that was you, Chicago. Well, I think every school in the Midwest calls itself the Harvard of the Midwest. Do you think you got a good education? I think I got a great one.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

I'm a huge proponent of liberal arts education. I think the humanities are back. I think that learning to think is the that is the project now.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. And um and I love it. Let me I need to type that into Claude and see if I agree. We need to cross-check that. You this is a hot take given that like Hampton College was closed. Oh, I didn't follow that. The liberal arts are under attack. Hampton College closed? That's where our producer Madison went, right? Hampshire. Hampshire College Closed. The Hamptons College, yeah. I went to Montauk.

SPEAKER_02

It's beautiful. Hot girl problems. A lot of people go to the Hamptons College on the weekends. Like they'll take Friday off and just go up to Hamptons College.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, it's a great un it's a great campus. Wow. Pretty. I do so you think you're a good person. What percentage evil would you say you are? I I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02

Wow. That high. No, I don't know. I really don't. I really don't. 3%, 30%? I think if you give me enough time, I will question any decision I've made.

SPEAKER_01

Asher is our most anxious guest.

SPEAKER_02

This is what you said before I said.

SPEAKER_01

Or in a more thoughtful way, our our more our most thoughtful guest. I gave him water and he was like, Do we take bathroom breaks? Will I have time to pee?

SPEAKER_02

I asked if they were allowed. Are they allowed? Because I wasn't sure if you needed like if there were cut points. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You have to raise your hand and get the hall pass in order to go. And then Asher asked, How can I be the best guest ever?

SPEAKER_02

I said, What are pitfalls that you've identified with your previous guests?

SPEAKER_01

Yes. And the main one is becoming meta about the show within the show.

SPEAKER_02

Have I done that?

SPEAKER_01

I've done that. That's the biggest pitfall. I should have warned you. I don't think we've had I haven't had I don't think anything bad's happened yet. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

I love that.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, we had one guest breathe a little too loud into the mic. But you know how to handle a mic. Well, do I?

SPEAKER_02

Maybe put the wire down. But but quality-wise, it's okay. It's the it's like aesthetically that's not pleasing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna want to look like you have a noose ready to uh hang a handmaid at any moment.

SPEAKER_02

You are watching Hammage Tale, and it is showing. It is showing because you mentioned this in a previous episode.

SPEAKER_01

I did take a break, and you'll never guess what I went to. I'll give you three guesses, and if you're anywhere even near the ballpark of what I'm binging right now, I will give you 100 hugs and dollars. Wow, both? Okay. The West Wing. No, but kind of temporarily close. Temporarily close.

SPEAKER_02

Well, that's a huge hint. But not a helpful one for me. Boston Public.

SPEAKER_01

Warmer, somehow warmer. Boston Legal. Incredibly warm. The firm. The practice. Oh my god. That was incredible.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. How is it? Does it hold up? It holds up. I think Boston Public took place within the same world. No, no, Boston Legal was a spin-off, but Boston Public was in the same world.

SPEAKER_01

Because they couldn't afford to pay all the stars anymore. So you're all fire, but it's still said in Boston. It's still a law thing. This is David E. Kelly, right? David E. Kelly. I remember watching it as a kid and I loved it. And then I had a cold and I was like, let me go back and it's on Prime, it's free. I'm plowing through them. Wow. I was also on a jury and now I'm interested in law. And so I have a lawyer friend. I text him, like, oh my God, did you hear about uh jury nullification? Do you know you can say not guilty on moral grounds?

SPEAKER_02

I didn't, but I you know, I just I just went through jury duty as well. No, but I feel like that should have been a part of the instruction. I can't tell you. Oh, they didn't. That's the whole point. I almost made it through Vodir, but I didn't.

SPEAKER_01

Would you what was your bias?

SPEAKER_02

What'd you what did how did they get you? I can't remember. Oh, actually, I had a doctor's appointment.

SPEAKER_01

Unmovable?

SPEAKER_02

They asked me. I was like, I'm sure I can. But they lay you off on it. They said, well, if you're if you're not sure. And I was like, well, I mean, I could call. But I think that they clearly had enough people.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, interesting. I I there's some joke that like juries are made up of 12 people too stupid to not get off jury duty. My peers. And that's what it kind of felt like. I was like, oh wait, we've all slowly raised our hand to leave. Because I wanted to kind of do it. I do too. Civic duty. I actually sincerely wanted to. It made me feel more connected to my community. And now I'm aware there are monsters everywhere. But also after watching the practice, we are all at risk. You leave your house, you could be charged for crimes. You need to keep a diary of where you are at all times and always be on the phone with someone. This is an alibi. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

The only reason I'm doing this is so I've got to be able to do it. This is literally an alibi.

SPEAKER_01

Never be alone. I live most of my life alone. I am I am at risk. They could get me for anything. No one knows where I am. No matter what.

SPEAKER_02

Someone calls me and they say, was Zach where they were at this time, I'll say Zach and I were together.

SPEAKER_01

Well, you can't be on record saying that. Then they're going to show this in court.

SPEAKER_03

Got that fine.

SPEAKER_01

And oh, it was wild. Guess what my trial was? This isn't fun. Guess where? I've learned jokes about this trial work in Manhattan, but not Brooklyn. Because the trial was in Manhattan? It was in Brooklyn. Wow. They're not ready to laugh at themselves. They're not ready to laugh. They're not ready. Interesting. Almost did jury duty. Lied to get out of jury duty. Told the truth. That's gonna be minus 10 points. Did you watch a video? I look can't see if he's drawing a picture of a dog. Peek! That's fine. I know I'm coming for your New Yorker days. I am fascinated by that career pivot. I'm so proud of you. Oh my god. You like had a goal because you're to me a star of stage and screen, meant to be on stage, born to be there. Thank you. But then you're like, Actually, no, I'm gonna draw my little cartoons in my room. Well, you know, it started in the pandemic. Oh. That's my story. Some some people were dying. Asher was like, I'm a draw. Did you flip a coin, die or draw? It was it was it was 50-50, and luckily I wanted to draw.

SPEAKER_02

Had you always had the passion as a youth? I loved it. I loved I loved looking at cartoons and I loved drawing. And then, I mean, I feel like you can relate to this as I got older. So don't drag me down. I'm not gonna drag you. No, no, you can relate to this.

SPEAKER_01

You kind of give up on your original dream in order to get by.

SPEAKER_02

There's just too many things.

SPEAKER_01

There's too many things.

SPEAKER_02

I want to do too many things. And then I think the pandemic was just so narrowing because there were so many things I couldn't do. This was one that I could do alone in a room indefinitely. Yeah. And I was working from home at the time.

SPEAKER_01

So wise. It moved up. That's kind of how my the book my book came out to be. It was like, oh, I can write about my past. Favorite chapter.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, is the is the airplane story too is that like the most basic choice?

SPEAKER_01

No, it's pretty great. I like that.

SPEAKER_02

I like that story, but I feel like you remember I have a photographic memory of the first time.

SPEAKER_01

Closing line. Closing line. I don't know. That's why I'll never ride on an airplane again. Thank you. It was a united flight where I was dumped. Oh, it was. Hieronic. Wow. Wait, you don't point that out in the book though, do you? No. That's funny. I saved that for you, baby. Hieronic. I I feel that. Having many creative passions, not enough time. So you have to pick. Yeah. I've learned that in my later years. I'm 94 years old now, where ideas are easy, execution's hard. And you want to pick, oh, do I want to do this thing for two years? Because I can have a fun idea of a thing that sounds fun, but then you're like, oh, that's actually two years of work.

SPEAKER_02

So everything takes so much time. So much more. And you only do so many things. And that's such an overwhelming thought that it can handicap you or kneecap you, and then you don't do anything. Did you say kneecap? Isn't that what it is? That's really problematic. Is it? Well, you didn't write anything down, so I so it can't be that bad. Well, I'm giving you a chance. I don't want to put it on the back of the phone.

SPEAKER_01

To defend it? I'm not gonna defend it. That means like hitting someone in the kneecaps.

SPEAKER_02

It has to come from Tanya Harding. No. Don't you think sabotage via kneecaps?

SPEAKER_01

That was blades. No, that was Madison?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It was kneecapping. She made that happen.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, Tanya. Well, it wasn't Tanya's.

unknown

It was her boyfriend.

SPEAKER_01

Oh right. Her boyfriend kneecapped someone? You haven't seen Tanya? I it's on my list. I'm working my way. I'm going chronologically. The wild thing is the practice like mostly holds up, but it'll be like a sexy murder trial. And then like someone will, the receptionist will wear to the office a spaghetti strap and everyone calls her a slut. And you're like, okay, well, this hasn't totally aged that well. Or they'll be like, oh, it's of the moment with immigration and racist cops, and then like uh the one woman will be like, I'm fat and ugly. That's her main plot. That's the storyline. There's a woman. How does that resolve? Uh, I haven't got that far. Okay. Unclear. TV sh is a time capsule. Yes, it is. It shows us where we've come and where we're going. And what to avoid. The more you know. Check it as not. Pride month is here, Asher. Never.

SPEAKER_02

Never experimented? I haven't. But I but I just not but I not that's not that I wouldn't. But you haven't. But I haven't. Oh you wouldn't? No, it's not that I wouldn't. It's not that you wouldn't. No, no, no, no shade. I just haven't.

SPEAKER_01

No shade. No shade. No shade, no tea. All tea, no shade.

SPEAKER_02

I'm an ally. What did you say? You just use a sall tea, no shade.

SPEAKER_01

No shade.

SPEAKER_02

All tea?

SPEAKER_01

I thought you were gay when I first met you.

SPEAKER_02

I think you did tell me that.

SPEAKER_01

I think I've told you that story. We're in an improv team rehearsal and you mention, oh, I have to go to Center on Halstead to get my HIV tests. Center of Halstead, the LGBT community center around the block.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

HIV, the plague of the community, assumed wrongly that that was a hint.

SPEAKER_02

The truth being that I just received frequent HIV tests because I was so paranoid.

SPEAKER_01

You're a good responsible and you you actually hadn't had sex your entire life. You were just like, at that point I may not have. I don't remember when that was. You don't remember when you lost your V Card? Well, I don't remember when that was. Part of starting a podcast, part of starting a podcast is realizing all the other podcasts you actually want to start. And one would be called V Card, where we just talk about everyone's virginity stories, and there'd be some sad episodes too. Well, they mostly would be. I also have another idea for a podcast. Uh voicemails from mom. It's a solo improvised monologue by different people of a mom leaving a voicemail.

SPEAKER_02

Their mom or just that they are doing sort of like any mom.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, their mom is kind of fun. Oh, that's nice. Maybe. You're starting a podcast, right?

SPEAKER_02

I have started a podcast.

SPEAKER_01

And you told me not to ask you about it.

SPEAKER_02

Well, because we don't have the name yet.

SPEAKER_01

Can I brainstorm it with you?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, hit me.

SPEAKER_01

And if I come up with it, 1% royalty. Oh, don't negotiate.

SPEAKER_02

Sorry. What's the premise? The premise is look, we're gabbing with friends. And we're talking to people. It's called gabbin with friends.

SPEAKER_01

It's not called gabbing with friends, but that's what we're doing. That's kind of a great name. Gabbing with friends. You only book friends. Kind of limits you in terms of star power. Not that your friends aren't famous.

SPEAKER_02

I'm friends with Pedro Pascal. Who else are my friends? Meryl Streep. I'm trying to think. I don't know. I'll start with my friends.

SPEAKER_01

Gabbin with friends. Gabbin with friends. Well, that's how it's called. Do you and Michael Cruz Kane talking to friends? I guess and more than friends. More than friends. That's fun. More than friends is good. More than friends. Okay. Huh. That's that's really exciting. You kind of you need a gimmick. Um just take this from me.

SPEAKER_03

Just can't just dab with friends. Just clip this visual.

SPEAKER_01

I would love to just talk to my friends, but to stand out in this fractured media landscape, you gotta have a gimmick.

SPEAKER_03

You gotta have a gimmick, okay.

SPEAKER_02

You gotta sell out. It'll be a hell's entry interview.

SPEAKER_01

We are exploring uh branching out into hell.

SPEAKER_02

I was gonna oh really? Yeah. That's like for Patreon subscribers, they get a bonus episode where you talk where you're dressed as a demon. You're the Playboy cartoon in residence. Cartoonists.

SPEAKER_01

Cartoonist in residence.

SPEAKER_02

Playboy, good for humanity? You know, the the so Playboy is back. It has been relaunched. The humanities are back. The humanities are back, Playboy's back. We're gonna go through so many things are back. And the new editor, editor in chief, Philip Picardy, is picked that one up. And is awesome. He's he's he's really doing something special over there. It's cool. It's a really cool magazine.

SPEAKER_01

Back through the archive. They used to have cartoons, and you're bringing out old ones and creating new ones. I'm not bringing out old ones.

SPEAKER_02

I went back through and just looked at what they'd what they'd done. I mean, these are some true cartoonist legends, have been Oh, really? We're talking the Shell Silversteins, the Gain Wilsons. We're talking talking big, big, big time cartoonist names. Um But yeah, in this in the current issue, I'm the only cartoonist in it. Very cool. First time in history. It's and historic.

SPEAKER_01

How'd you explain this to your wife? Honey, Playboy arrived in the mail, but I will say you put it on your Instagram and it is just a picture of the cover of Playboy to kick things off. Is that who it was? Isn't that it? I women don't have names to meet them because it's Playboy, your Playboy Bunny number 425. She's a huge uh 42601.

SPEAKER_02

Carol G. Carol G is a pop star. Carol G, yeah, I think so. She headlined Coachella. Which is you've forgotten so much since you got to her.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I know. We every day is Coachella, okay. Oh yeah. Well, you have so many musicians up here. I wanted to be, yes. All the bad ones get in, too. All the bad ones. All the bad ones?

SPEAKER_02

All dogs and all musicians.

SPEAKER_01

All dogs and all musicians. They all get in. It's mostly dogs and musicians. And the dogs won't shut up. I wanted to be a cartoonist in fifth grade. What? Fifth grade. The teacher asks all of us what we want to be when we grow up, because she's going to write this beautiful little poem for the class at graduation. Like Asher wants to be a movie star. He'll go very far. Something like that. Okay. And we all went around and Antoine Sinclair said pop star. And I was going to say pop star. But to give variety to the teacher, I said cartoonist.

SPEAKER_02

This is this is how giving a performer you are.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02

You at the Constantly. You sacrifice your own honesty to help someone else's performance.

SPEAKER_01

In some worlds, that's called lying to get ahead. But I like the way you said it.

SPEAKER_02

But you did it for great for gracious reasons. Yeah, I wanted everyone to help her. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I didn't want her to have to rhyme two things with pop stars. But she had to rhyme with cartoonists. That's not an easy one. Balloonist? How'd you know? Is that what she did? I don't remember. Oh, what was her name? Miss Fifth grade teacher. What was her name? Rachel Perlman. Your mother taught you fifth grade? Yes, sir. I feel like I just hit gold. You didn't know this? No. My mother taught you. Just fifth grade?

SPEAKER_02

Kindergarten. First, second, third, fourth.

SPEAKER_01

Homeschooling, or she was an employee of the elementary school? Uh no, homeschooled. You were home? That explains a lot. I can't believe you didn't know this. I was homeschooled through first. I didn't know you went all the way through fifth. I went all the way through 11th. How's your immune system? You were homeschooled through 11th grade?

SPEAKER_02

I went part-time to high school, 11th and 11th grade. I went part-time to a community college.

SPEAKER_01

And not for weird religious reasons.

SPEAKER_02

No, this was we were, you know, lefty Jews.

SPEAKER_01

What was the rationale?

SPEAKER_02

Um, well, you'd have to ask my parents. But I think it was something along the lines of um this is let me think. I think it was basically like, you know, the school's the school this is like the worst time to become inarticulate. I think uh uh diverse uh I think it was I think it was basically the uh they didn't think the school system was going to serve us well and wanted to do a better job. And mom had the time? She did, but we also we just basically did unschooling where you don't you just don't go to school. Okay. That was kind of our thing. When did you learn to read? I'm working on it now. I think that at the current pace by the time I'm 43. No, um I actually don't remember when I learned like what age I learned to read.

SPEAKER_01

I don't remember. I don't think anybody does now that I'm realizing it. Huh. Before first grade, though, right?

SPEAKER_02

I don't know. I do know that in Washington State we had to take a test every year. Oh, to prove to make sure that you weren't falling dramatically behind. And you passed it? Every year. So there was not nothing to worry about. Do you wish you were in school? Well, eventually I chose to go. So I like in twelfth grade? 11th grade, part-time.

SPEAKER_01

Also went to community college at night. Just came in at the last minute. You were like, I'd like prom. I'd like. Did you play sports? I played Ultimate Frisbee for one day.

SPEAKER_02

You can say no. I didn't know it was right there. I didn't know you needed baseball cleats. No, I was so surprised. You have to buy this for like a hundred dollars of baseball cleats. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, that's so serious.

SPEAKER_01

I didn't know you had to buy like additional you know, footwear. My friend Steve loves Ultimate Frisbee. Okay. Like is passionate about it. But you gave up because of the footwear.

SPEAKER_02

I think I did. I mean, I think I literally couldn't buy it. Like it wasn't like I'm choosing to spend my money elsewhere. It's like, I don't, I cannot do that. Got it.

SPEAKER_01

But I'd say parents had no money but lots of time to devote to teaching you. Did you work in a farm? Were you I worked at a grocery store. As a first grader?

SPEAKER_02

As a no, no, when I was 14 or whatever. Okay, that was the first job. Interesting. Mark that down.

SPEAKER_01

Oh god.

SPEAKER_02

Grocery store.

SPEAKER_01

This is not good. Ken Cops grocery. This is not I feel like I'm not getting a good feel of who you are as a person, and I know you. You're not getting a good feel of no. Oh. All these secrets are coming to light. That feels like you would be getting a good feel. Oh, interesting. Now I have a good feel. I'm just realizing I don't know you. We go way back. Oh, where'd you grow up? Where'd you go to school? Azure is my closest friend. Your mother homeschooled you through 11th grade. I will die for this man. Where'd you go to college? Anyways, Damien, tell me. Damien is the name I gave my alter ego in the romance novel I wrote about my life in high school.

SPEAKER_02

You wrote a romance novel about your life in high school?

SPEAKER_01

I copy pasted my aim conversations into a word doc with the girl I liked, and then I turned it into my I was I was Damien. I think it was Damien.

SPEAKER_02

You were ahead of your time. Because as you did that now, you'd be a best uh best-selling author.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Timing is all that matters. And instead, I'm an okay-selling author. Did you make a bestseller list? I'm a best-selling author. I didn't want to say it after you said that. That's incredible. For both of them?

SPEAKER_02

For one of them.

SPEAKER_01

Second one or the first one?

SPEAKER_03

First one?

SPEAKER_02

This is the exact wrong trajectory. But I think it's gonna be okay. I think we just we put out the second one a little too fast.

SPEAKER_01

You, Mr. Prolific over here.

SPEAKER_02

Two books? Two books in two years. I think I should have just waited a little bit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Leave him wanting more. Exactly. When's the third book? Well, I don't know. First book, hey it hey it hey, this is me.

SPEAKER_02

Well, this is me. God, how well do you know me?

SPEAKER_01

Your mother. And your friend Damien. Your mother's Rachel. I your books are very funny, and everyone listening to the all three of them should buy it. You could get on the bestseller list again. You just have to coordinate everyone. To all buy at the same time. Yeah, yeah. Hey guys, this is the week.

SPEAKER_02

This is the this is the thing that if you haven't published a book, you don't, I don't think you appreciate it. It's that the reason people push pre-orders is they all count for that first week. All count for that first week.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. It's uh as as authors. We know. Yes. The struggles, the highs, the lows, the mostly lows. And occasional highs, some of the little medium. I get a text every an email every couple weeks that I, hey, your book changed my life. Really? Or like this meant a lot to me. Which feels kind of nice. Would have loved like uh 10,000 more copies to sell, but if one person, you know, is like, hey, this meant a lot. There can be a hundred people in a room. Wait, that sounds so pithy. What's what's the rest of it? This is really great. I don't remember the rest. What a 99 don't believe in you. Oh, 99 don't believe in you. One day. Wow, during Pride Month of all. I've got some moral dilemmas for you, Asher. Okay. To see how this brain works. You've been invited to a party. Love it. I'm in. And you you kind of don't want to go. I'm out.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, I don't want to go anywhere.

SPEAKER_01

But you should go. Okay, I'm back in. Oh, you're getting over a cold. Oh, I'm out. Do you call out and blame the cold or suck it up?

SPEAKER_02

I I c I call out and I blame the cold. And it's not out of dishonesty. I I I really do not want to get people sick. That's beautiful. Really?

SPEAKER_01

How do you know when you're sick?

SPEAKER_02

It's baffling to me that someone might say, I how I go to a party I don't want to go to with a cold. Who are you? Who are you who are you doing this for?

SPEAKER_01

But if it's like a important, are you just using the cold to get out of the thing and you're kind of you're like 60% better.

SPEAKER_02

60%? You're no longer contagious. You're no longer contagious. I think we sort of use that very I don't think we know that.

SPEAKER_01

And people say allergies a lot. Yes. These are my allergies. Did you finish the full episode last week with Sarah? No, that's the one I'm part way through. I finished the friend texted me, like, it's so fun watching you get deathly ill in real time. I plowed through on that episode.

SPEAKER_02

You were sick in when you recorded the podcast?

SPEAKER_01

I know I that was a bad week. That was a bad yeah. I was literally getting ill. Yeah, yeah, I'm better now.

SPEAKER_02

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

I would have canceled on you.

SPEAKER_02

And I would and I would have really appreciated it.

SPEAKER_01

But I've laid on the are you a hypochondriac? Absolutely. Same. It's kind of a beautiful thing. But the thing about it is what is sick? Sick is a spectrum. Sure. You're terrified of me. I feel better. No, no, no, no. I'm just trying to I'm trying to track this. I wish there was an app you could look at that says, hey, yes, you are sick. Because I feel like I'm in, I'm like, I'm not feel I've I felt 100% one day of my life, probably. We're all no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02

So it's like, how do I know? I completely relate to this. We're all right.

SPEAKER_01

I'd rather be on a couch at all times, I think. Does that mean I'm ill? The human condition is one of sickness. Wow. Yeah, I mean what was the last big one you had?

SPEAKER_02

The best what? Uh last big sickness. Last big sickness? I've had COVID thrice. You knew it was COVID. You're still testing. Oh, I'm still I'm testing. Uh let me think. Last bigger. Oh, you know what? That was the last one though wasn't COVID. What was it? I was in Puerto Rico. And um at the same time. No, I was in Puerto Rico and um I actually don't remember why, like what happened first, but all of a sudden, I just got very sick. Gastro or respiratoro? It was just exhaustion.

SPEAKER_01

Huh.

SPEAKER_02

Which I you're with your wife? I was with my wife, my brother, his son, and my mom.

SPEAKER_01

Oh. I think we found the culprit. And we were all gonna be. You're just tired of everyone.

SPEAKER_02

No, no, no. Because that night we are gonna go to the bioluminescent bay. Have you heard of this? Have you gone to this? The bioluminescent bay. If you're going to Puerto Rico, every website that you look up that says like, what should I do? Go to the biolumine.

SPEAKER_01

Who's bioluminescent? The jellyfish?

SPEAKER_02

Uh there we oh. I mean, obviously I should know this because I signed up to do it. But you didn't go. I think bioluminescents are their own thing.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, it's an animal. Or a species of something. Category. Madison, what's bioluminescence?

SPEAKER_02

So the bioluminescents aren't themselves creatures. It's created by another creature. So if I were to go to a bioluminescent day, which was what I was supposed to do.

SPEAKER_01

Does jellyfish do that? Alright. Ding ding ding. Zach's right again. Every podcast needs some tism to fact check.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I was supposed to go to that bay, but I got sick.

SPEAKER_01

From exhaustion.

SPEAKER_02

I don't think I was exhausted. I just was exhausted. I I wasn't over symptoms. Just being tired? I was I just like couldn't get out of bed. And you did we diagnose it with anything? No, but it was gone 24 hours later. I love a 24-hour bug. I I I would take a 24-hour bug over like a three-week meandering cold. Oh. Like I would rather be shaking in bed, vomiting out off the side of the bed for one day than the stupid 20, you know, like 21 day.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, because when you first get into heaven, there's a lot. We got a lot of immune system. There's a lot of stuff up here.

SPEAKER_02

Well, a lot of a lot of viruses get into heaven. Of course. What are they doing? They've done nothing but good.

SPEAKER_01

They're just living their lives. They were living. A doctor once told me I once got the flu three times in one season, and he said, we are at the mercy of viruses. This was pre-COVID. Kind of devastating. That's true. So you're not going to the party. Asher, you win a carnival game. I have a question about the party. Would you go to would anyone say yes to that? I'm confused why this is like a why it's a moral dilemma. I I'm known for creating really great moral dilemmas. It's actually a coded way to get at a problem I had, but I didn't want to put on record, which was I I'm not trying to push you to put something on record you don't want to. No, no, no, no, no. You you're interrogating me. I get it. I want to go on record. And because I don't, in the end, I was right. I did nothing wrong. Okay. Your honor. I was asked to officiate a wedding of a couple in Detroit. And I love them and I was very excited and happy to do it. Week of, I get sick. And I'm like, oh, I feel like really sick. And but I'm also like anxious. Am I making myself sick because I'm anxious about the trip? And then part of me is like, oh, is there a part of me that actually doesn't want to do this? Like it feels like work and I'm just using the illness somehow. Like that thought entered my head. Yep. Turns out I had like bronchitis and I was actually very ill and I couldn't have gone. I understand the moral, the moral part now. But it's like, oh, does the cold actually reveal a lack of desire to truly do the thing? So that that's where the morale, it's like, oh, because at the end of the day, does anyone really want to do anything?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I mean, I understand. I understand.

SPEAKER_01

What's the last thing you wanted to do?

SPEAKER_02

I want to do this? Actually, legitimately, I did want to do this. I didn't even not it didn't even cross my mind for a second to try to try to back up.

SPEAKER_01

Well that's interesting. Well, that's because my claws are locked into you. Yeah, you got me. You got me good. Because you reached out asking about the podcast in order to learn for your own podcast. Yeah. And that's when I slipped in. You thought you were getting something out of me. And I was like, now I got him.

SPEAKER_02

But the but the real but the real but the real trick is we're getting something out of each other.

SPEAKER_01

Aww, this is sex. This is I think this is sex. You know, I've never done it. I think. That's the podcast idea. Two two guys figure out sex for the first time. If you Google two guys have sex for the first time, we come up. It's like when the bird eats the hippo's symbiosis. Yeah. When the bird eats the hippo. Big bird. Moral dilemma. Are you having fun? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Is that the dilemma? Yeah. Dilemma. You're on a podcast. You're not sure if you're having fun.

SPEAKER_01

You're halfway through. So you're hosting a podcast and you had a cold and you're like 99% over the cold. I cancel. Really? Oh, okay. But you've like already booked the studio and you can't get the money for the studio. Yeah, I can't do that. Unless you cancel it. 99.5% better.

SPEAKER_03

Uh-huh. Yeah, I cancel.

SPEAKER_01

But what if you just don't shake his hand?

SPEAKER_03

I cancel.

SPEAKER_01

Could I get um some tissues? You win a carnival game. Moral dilemma. I love it. You win a carnival game by holding onto a bar for two minutes. Okay. Because we know you're a big thing. This is hard. Two is hard. Pull-up guy. The prize is a stuffed animal. Your wife and a small orphaned child are looking at you, and your prize, what do you do?

SPEAKER_02

I give it to the orphaned child, and I know my wife will support me in that decision. Although I will say I've been in a similar situation. There's no way. Well, similar-ish. I was at a I was at a swimming pool and I got a candy bar. You can see how it's similar.

SPEAKER_04

Similar.

SPEAKER_02

I was at a I was at a sp I was at a basketball game and I received the Oh no, I didn't. Oh my god. No, I got the story totally wrong. I was at a basketball game, the t-shirt cannons came out. I got very excited. I wanted a t-shirt. Clearly, my excitement was on my face. Yep. The cha a child behind me received the t-shirt. And when I turned around, he said, Would you like it? Which means I looked sympathetic enough to this child that he thought I should give this grown man my t-shirt. And that was when reality hit me, and I said, Absolutely not. Of course not. Yes. Please keep the t-shirt one. Even if I'd caught the t-shirt, I would have given it to the kid. Right, right. It was a humiliating moment. And those are never the right size.

SPEAKER_01

How humbling. Oh yeah. You could just extra small, your crop top. Wait, you were so excited. I must have it's so embarrassing.

SPEAKER_02

I must have looked so crestfallen that I didn't catch the t-shirt that this kid just felt that he had to offer it to me. Sympathetic child to be like, this grown man really needs this win. That is me as a child.

SPEAKER_01

That is what I would have done as a child. But then you were like, no, you keep it. I no, of course. I took it. Two stories of some coming up for me. Okay. Neither that interesting, but maybe their combination will reveal something.

SPEAKER_02

The bar is low.

SPEAKER_01

That was pretty good. There were twists and turns. I went to Disneyland by myself, and I got put on the Indian Indiana Jones like tractor ride. You're in a car. Okay. And it was me, ended up being with like a family of six. Oh, Indiana Jones.

SPEAKER_02

I know this one.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. You're in the car. I get positioned to be in the driver's seat, but then the family is like, oh, you let the little girl drive. The seats are all the same. You just are sitting behind the wheel or whatever. You have the feeling of being in the driver. And I was like, actually, I kind of want to drive. Like, why? But I didn't say that. I let the little girl drive. Oh my God. But then I had to sit like between people. I was going to have an aisle seat and I gave it up so this little girl could fake drive the Indiana. The world's built for kids, and I'm not a kid anymore, and I don't like that. If you go to a baseball game, you're not getting out alive with a baseball game. I'm so glad you gave your seat up tonight. Of course I gave up to the show.

SPEAKER_02

I thought this story was going to be you proudly holding onto the seat.

SPEAKER_01

No. The ride ends and start the world's just not built for single adults. That's true. We're better than children. Christmas is for the kids. Give that. I'll never the joy she got from stealing my seat, probably more than I'll ever know. Ever. But you know what comes back? I give up my seats on the plane. You just think a little girl's gonna give me her my seat on the room.

SPEAKER_02

It is in its own way. On Thunder Road? I was on a plane, and whenever I'm on a plane and someone's looking for you know a seat together, I'm happy to give mine up, even if that means downgrading to a middle. But that's absurd. You don't believe that. I don't I do that. You don't fly often then. Well, I mean, I don't know, a few times a year. I'm just saying this is a standing. If you're with a 12-year-old and you're like, my I'm we're sitting separately, and I have the opportunity to make you sit to allow you to sit together, I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_01

I will say that can be self-serving. I was once sat, I had an aisle, and the kid next to me must have been 12, and then his parents were across the way. You're just gonna sit in the middle of a conversation the entire time. They were passing snacks back. I should have given it up. They didn't even ask. And the kid was like sulking, he didn't even watch anything, he was just existing. Story of the second.

SPEAKER_02

That was that wasn't the second one, though. No, no, no. What was the second one? Because you said you had two.

SPEAKER_01

I'm at a basketball game, WNBA, Liberty, final. Bandwagoner or original fan. No, original fans. As of last June. Handwagoning at all. No, I'm in I'm in the driver's seat of the wagon. And do you know about the Shake Shack quarter? Is that with the fries? Burger. What's the fries?

SPEAKER_02

Well, I I've been to Liberty Games where we smack the fries during the free throws. I think that's McDonald's.

SPEAKER_01

I don't think that's Shake Shack. Or at least when I went at Shake Shack. Oh, okay, cool. Where during the free throws in the fourth quarter, if the opposing team misses two in a row, you get free Shake Shack in the audience. Oh, okay. So someone In the audience. Yes, the whole audience gets free Shake Shack.

SPEAKER_02

Well, because they do this with McDonald's, but you have to go the next day with your ticket stopped. That's how they did it. Oh, I hate that. When would did McDonald's, when did Shake Shack take over the Maybe I'm just confused, but I just think that everyone there should get it then. I don't think you should make me wait go with the stuff.

SPEAKER_01

It would be more satisfying, but then if they make the free throw shot, you're throwing away 10,000 burgers. You'd have to have a shot. You have to commit.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, no, you're absolutely right.

SPEAKER_01

You can't be waiting in the wings with the burgers and then as oh, sorry, they made the free throw. I haven't thought it all through. You're right. But I was frustrated. She, the woman missed. We all yelled. We booed. There's a lot of booing at a sports game. Yeah. When I grew up, it was all like good game, good game. But there's a lot of booing in professional sports. Yeah. And you had to, I had to walk to a Shake Shack the next day, not free. With purchase. Oh, with purchase. With purchase. I can get anything with purchase. With purchase. And so I was I stood. I stood there. I didn't leave. And the guy was like, thank you. Thank you for this hard feedback. And I'm like, no, I'm not giving you feedback. I want food. The the the employee said that? Yeah. I showed him a picture of the jumbotron that said nothing about like with purchase.

SPEAKER_02

Was there a little asterisk or something?

SPEAKER_01

The asterisk just said go neck tomorrow. Yeah. I I was I grew up on the terms and conditions. I read the fine print. Voidwear prohibited.

SPEAKER_02

I do think that's I do think that's messed up.

SPEAKER_01

And eventually he gave it to me, and it wouldn't even give me the veggie burger. It was only original Shake Shack. So you couldn't even eat it? I had to pay the extra dollar to upgrade it. You're a vegetarian as well. I am. That's good. Is that getting it? Yeah. It's very helpful, actually. That made Trump everything else. How's that water you're drinking? It's great. It's not water, audience. See that? That was a man who's lying. I feel like you just. I have a fifth of bourbon. I dumped out of the sky. I feel like you just felt like I betrayed you. You did betray me. It's just Celsius. This is Celsius that I poured into a cup because I was too embarrassed. I love Celsius. In fact, the best part about Celsius is not looking at what color the Celsius is. This is what you very rarely see it unless you pour it out of the canvas. Oh, this one's red. Yeah. You're but you're you're off the sauce, aren't you? Well, I'm trying to quit Celsius, which is You're quitting Celsius now, too. I'm trying to. Because a couple years ago you were like no more booze, and now you're like no more Celsius.

SPEAKER_02

I think it's I think this is the class action lawsuit waiting to happen. I think all of our kidneys are going to explode by the time we're 50.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. You know the real cause of cancer? Podcasting equipment.

SPEAKER_02

It creates like a like a there's there's some sort of electromagnetic field of some kind.

SPEAKER_01

There's a field. It's the narcissistic orb. Oh no, oh, it's it's like from us. Yeah, and your body's like, we have to end now. We are too powerful. I'm cooked. Do you do coffee? I I that's what I have to go back to. We haven't talked about the late show. Or as I like to call it, the late, the late show. The late late show. Has anyone done that yet? No, I don't think so. Can I be the first? You're the first? Uh trademark. You get it, right? Oh, I get it. It's it's late because it's passed. The late, late the late, the late show. The late, the late show. Not the late, late show, of which I was on, but the late, the late show. The late, the late show. You wrote the late, late, late show. And you wrote for that it just ended. Congratulations. Epic run. Thank you. How does it feel?

SPEAKER_02

Um, I mean, it's uh it's sort of the traditional cocktail of emotions. I feel sad. Oh but I also feel excited for what's next. Wait, sad about it. But I'm gonna miss my friends, I'm gonna miss this great job, but I'm also I have time to do things like this. This is what what's today? Wednesday. Oh, it's Wednesday. Or a Thursday, you'd be in an I knew you were unavailable. I would be I would be unavailable. So now I'm available for these things. So I'm sad, but I'm also uh excited for uh what's to come and what is here? What oh, what is here? I thought that was a question. This moment. Melrose Podcast. Melrose Podcast.

SPEAKER_01

I so now wait, so when I asked you to get coffee the other week and you were like, no, I I'm busy, you you actually weren't. You had time. The other week. I know I just made that up. The other week I was still there. You can't, but you can't let people know you're available. Oh. You're gonna be getting lots of randos. Randos? Yeah, trying to catch up, trying to pick your brain. I love catching up.

SPEAKER_02

I'm dying to catch up with all these people.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

SPEAKER_02

For now. You say that out. I have a way until all the randos. I haven't. Has your brain ever been picked? My brain has been picked. I don't think my brain is never felt. I don't think there's there's much fruit to be picked. Oh, I think you're very smart. No, I'm not saying I'm on it. I just mean I don't think I think a lot of times when someone wants to pick a brain frequently, they they don't what they need is is sort of like the lowest hanging fruit that's available anywhere. You know what I mean? Maybe. Say more. I think what I mean is if like if you're in college and you're like, I want to know how to break into comedy, I don't think that I I'm not even useful to you. Because I can tell you move to Chicago and take improv classes, but anyone can tell you that. Um you want a sp a specific fruit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I don't think I don't think that my specific fruit is someone's gotta tell them that generic advice. But wouldn't yeah, yeah, you're right. But just Google it. I think when people want to pick your brain, it's usually they think you can give them something. I'd love to pick your brain, by the way. I have nothing for you. What? I don't want to pick your brain anymore. That's the when comedy, especially, I feel like, oh, you think I'm successful? I have nothing to give you other than like write what makes you happy and get put get out there, kid. See, this is good fruit. No, it's not true. I'm glad I picked that fruit. I'm glad I picked that fruit. Strange fruit. Strange fruit. I if you if you could give your younger self advice, what would it be? Asher's 22 in Chicago on birthday girl. Or sorry, 26. You're a little older than me. I like performing with kids, people so much younger than you. Wait, how old are you? It's almost a little predatory even.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, are you allowed to 37? You're 37 now?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, because I'm 25, so I'm just which are you doing negative peptides? I was just yeah, every every week I shove some some grayscale. I don't know you're 37 now. Because you're 40 now.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I just turned it. Did I hit you hard? 40 hit me harder than 30, but but 30 didn't hit me at all. So it's easy, it's easy to hit me harder than that. 30 was pretending. 30 meant nothing. 30 meant nothing. But I feel like in New York people feel like 30 means something. I think it was because I turned 30 in Chicago, it meant nothing. Oh, interesting. I think in in New York there's this whole thing about turning 30.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like when people turn 30 in New York, they treat it like it's a big deal. And they do you do it is the last year you can celebrate an annual birthday without eye rolls from your friends, I think. Oh, really? Like if you you didn't do anything for your 40th? I went to Puerto Rico and I got sick. Wow. Bioluminescence. Welcome to 40. Welcome to 40.

unknown

I'm 40.

SPEAKER_01

You are? Years old? She's 30 something, but she looks 12. Everyone who likes her has a problem.

SPEAKER_02

See, I don't like saying that someone doesn't look their age because I don't like buying into the like the idea that you need to look younger or older than those things. What did you say?

SPEAKER_01

The age industrial complex. Yeah, I don't like buying into that. Age essentialism. I think everyone should have a tattoo on their forehead of their age. That you just update? Yeah. Because I never know.

SPEAKER_02

That's because you invested in that la that tattoo removal place, right? Do you have any tattoos? I do. Of what? I can't show you. It's it's it's in a it's uh that's no fun.

SPEAKER_01

It's under my shirt, but uh you always want to add the the person to have one that's visible.

SPEAKER_02

I know they like pull up their arm and I know that would be easier. I don't it's not an exception. Is it a joke? It's not a joke. Is it Ernest? It's your mom's with the birthday girl 2010 to 2011.

SPEAKER_01

Our herald improv team. Yeah. It's a bentwood chair, yes, and we lasted a bentwood chair. Hashtag second city. Hashtag AsherProlman. Yeah, it's hashtag AsherProman. Hashtag mainstage. You're talking to 26-year-old Asher and you're like, don't blank. Don't blank? I would say to 26-year-old Asher, I would say Don't think twice.

SPEAKER_02

That's alright. I don't know. I think it's so hard. I don't I I don't like these like corny things like everything happens for a reason, etc. etc. But I also do I do feel like, you know, you changed something in the past, the the ripple effects. So I I don't know what I would change. Um 26. You know what? I ended up getting high cholesterol in my early 30s. So I think when I was 26, I would say, hey, maybe cool it on the late night pizza. Is that what causes it?

SPEAKER_01

Well, I don't I mean, it's it's it's the the the causes are are uh cholesterol feels made up whenever that and they never tell me what my numbers are. They never tell you. They like put the wrist Did they tell you when they're bad? Well they tell me either way. They've never told me anything. I think that means you're good. Okay. I think if it were elevated, they would say something. Well, you say wrap around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They take you know that little thing that we're like that wraps around your wrists? That's how they take. Welcome to the doctor's office. That's how they're just you gotta find a different thing. But that's blood pressure. Yeah, blood pressure. How do you think? We're talking about cholesterol. Medicine knows what we're talking about. Those are in the same category for me. Cholesterol is a blood test. Things I'll worry about when I'm older. 37, blessed. I was once told that my arm was too big for the cuff.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god, did you float out of the doctor's?

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Yes. Oh. Jacked off to that for a good month. That was that arm just got stronger. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Stronger and stronger. Your forearm got too big.

SPEAKER_01

We talk about fitness a fair amount. Here in heaven, we care about our physical form. How is your push-up challenge going? Or your pull-up challenge? Pull-up challenge not great.

SPEAKER_02

I want it to be going better. You are a big inspire.

SPEAKER_01

Your biggest sin to me, I think, is pride.

SPEAKER_03

Pride?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Or Bravi Bravado. Bravo.

SPEAKER_03

Bravado.

SPEAKER_01

Bra Bra Bravado. What do we say Bravado? It's Barada, I think. Burata. Um, because you even you thought you could dunk a basketball and made a whole television arc about it. Okay. For comedic effect, you can say you will do things and then you maybe do them. But you're trying to do a pull-up. I'm trying to do ten. I want to do ten. And that's actually your admins to heaven. I brought in a pull-up bar. And if you can do ten, you get in. It's it's uh these loosely hung lights. If you can just grab those and pull up.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I can do it. Ten? Ten. Okay. It's two o'clock, Zach.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Thank you, two. What happens at two o'clock? Um, you go to pee. Do you need a pee break? No, I don't. I'm good. That's the end of the first hour. First hour's done. Are you here to stay for the second hour?

SPEAKER_02

What happened to the second hour?

SPEAKER_01

We do the first hour in reverse. Oh my god. I'm in. It's a it's the second beat of the first hour.

SPEAKER_03

Callbacks.

SPEAKER_01

Bioluminescence. All right, Asher. It's the lightning round. You have to send some things to heaven and hell. Okay. Of your own volition. Okay. Hugh Hefner.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know enough about him. I really don't. I feel like I've I feel like I've heard. I don't I don't even know enough. I don't know enough. Pride Month. Oh, Heaven. Oh, you know enough about that? Well, I know more than I do about Hugh Hefner. Homosexuals. Heaven. All of them. All of them. All of them. 100%.

SPEAKER_01

He literally says all of them. As a follow-up. The Herald. The Herald, Heaven. The Arn Mondo Diaz, Hooten Nanny, and Experience. Oh, Heaven. Absolutely. Pencils. Pencils in Heaven. Pens. Heaven.

SPEAKER_02

Eth Kliegerman. Heaven. Sharna Halpern. Heaven. Did you send everything to heaven? No, did I? Oh, I didn't know about Hugh. But I don't know. Was he like canceled or something?

SPEAKER_01

I was trying to remember if there was like a controversy. I feel like there was a documentary. Okay, I didn't I yeah. So I was. He but it can't have been f without flaw. Who amongst us? I don't think you build an empire like that. Without flaws? Without the Lord in your heart. Oh. Oh. So you're saying heaven. Will you Google Hugh Hefner cancelled? Autistic resident. Yeah. Was that why? Okay, we do have a lot of things to do. Can we play the tribute? We are this is gonna be the most action-packed final three minutes ever. Okay. I sent it to a producer at Oh, you got it. Okay. Asher, we've got a special message coming in from your funeral happening on Earth right now. Oh Michael Cruz Kane has is speaking. Well, they moved so fast with this funeral because I died just moments ago. Or an hour, an hour ago. Time's different here. We're in a different time zone.

SPEAKER_00

Asher could get into heaven on talent alone. I worked with him for six and a half years, and he is like the funniest guy alive. Every script he wrote was funny. When you had a script that was tough, you were sort of hoping Asher would be on it because he would make it funny and good. He's also so nice, so when you're writing with him, he will trick you into thinking his good idea is your idea, but it's really his idea. He's also like the kindest person who ever lived. He never wants anybody to be upset. He will sacrifice his own comfort for other people feeling comfortable. He's just kind of a lovely guy all around. For this reason and many more, I hereby nominate Asher Perman for um Heaven. Is that is that good? Love you, Asher.

SPEAKER_02

By this is my favorite podcast. I actually think what we should do, I think this is it. This is the podcast. You just get a bunch of those. And play them? And just play them. This is the one.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, it's like your funeral. It is. You're stealing that for your podcast? Yeah. Interesting, he thinks talent will get you in.

SPEAKER_02

Oh yeah. Yeah, I actually I yeah. Is that what he said?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Well, apparently not the best listener.

SPEAKER_01

Kindness, that's nice. It's time for your Scrooge mama, Asher. Okay. If you could go back and change one thing about your life that you lived. You know how Ebenezer Scrooge goes back, he thought he died, but then it's still Christmas. Young boy, what day is it? Yeah, yes, yes, yes. You have a chance to go back and change something. It's kind of similar to advice to your younger self. But I'm actually so not changing anything. You've lived a flawless life.

SPEAKER_02

No, no, no. That I I think I was kind of a cop-out. Do you want me to try to actually give you an answer to this? I think it's a very easy thing to say I wouldn't change a thing because it would change where I am. But I know I know what you're asking. Surely there are regrets.

SPEAKER_01

Um that's what you're asking. Yeah, but keep it a little light. Keep it light? Not too light, but not too heavy. I don't need to hear about like the trials and the crimes. I don't need your rap sheet. But maybe like a pit maybe in earnest and then make it pithy at the end.

SPEAKER_02

In earnest, and then keep it make it pithy at the end?

SPEAKER_01

I thought you were great with scripts, so I thought you could punch this up.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, hold on. Something I would change. Something I would change. Oh, I have one. I have it. I actually feel but it's not, but this is this is sincere. It's not pithy. Is it about me? It's not. Oh, I thought it was gonna be like a apology for something. But that would be such a nice moment for the pod. Yeah. What is it? Well, this is sincere. My first girlfriend in high school, I didn't know how to break up with her, so I just like didn't handle that well. Oh. We weren't even boyfriend girlfriend, I don't think, but we were dating, and then I just kind of like panicked, and I like just sort of like stopped talking to her. And I felt bad about that for I I have well I felt bad about that for however many years that is. So I would change that. Are you listening, Arabella? How did you know?

SPEAKER_01

Ariola? It's Arabella Ariola. Clitoris? That's remembering. Are you listening? I don't know. Ariola clitoris, Arabella.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

That's really sweet.

SPEAKER_02

I would I would handle that better. There's other stuff I would handle better, too.

SPEAKER_01

Well, you can put that into practice when you divorce your wife. Oh, I'm just kidding. A little pithy thing. Oh, she's already moved on. She already remarried. Oh, look at her! Her and Michael Cruz Kane are having quite a lovely brunch. Michael, you dog stepping out. Oh, it's time to send this off to God. God? You know what?

SPEAKER_02

This feels like those like tax returns. Like you know, you already knew all of this, right?

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. AI is gonna change it all. You just push a button. Oh. But we one time it was thrown at me. No! That's a hard substance. Asher Perlman. Yep. Son of Rachel Perlman. Homeschooled. Welcome to your new cartoonist in residence gig here in heaven. Wow. Get on in here, buddy. Alright. It's good to have you here. Thank you. We we rehearse on Thursdays at the upstairs gallery. Uh 10 to midnight. 10 to midnight, okay. I'll be there. Oh yeah, no, God's waiting. Oh hey. He comes on really strong on this show. Oh, that's okay. I like that. Thanks everyone for listening. Follow Asher Perlman on Instagram. Buy his books. Hey, this is me. Well, this is me, and Well, this is me too. Any other ways we can support you?

SPEAKER_02

I'm going on tour. Is this my camera? I'm going on tour at the end of July and the beginning of August. I'll be in Chicago, Minneapolis, and Detroit. So Midwest King. Well, it's a Midwest tour. What can people expect from a show of yours? Just the best show. You're gonna love it. Come on out, and uh I'll see you there.

SPEAKER_01

And speaking of, I'll be in Chicago, the second best show in June. And Cincinnati. Midwest King. The Midwest King. Well, it's a Midwest tour. Yeah. That's Judgment Day, everybody. Tune in next week for more content.