Judgment Day

Andy Ward knows he's bad (which is good)

• Zach Zimmerman • Season 1 • Episode 7

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0:00 | 59:39

Welcome to Heaven, Andy Ward! Comedian and former StuGo president Andy goes off on housesitting, friendships, holiday creatures, and even tries to OUT GOD. Will that get him IN HEAVEN?

If you like the podcast, drop us a rating! Or - what the hell - share it with a friend. :)

Tune in every week to hear comedians and cool people defend their choices with eternal consequences. Ex-evangelical Zach Zimmerman -- me! -- hosts. :)

If you're a fan of comedy podcasts, maybe you'll be a fan of this one!

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https://www.instagram.com/adubjose/

SPEAKER_03

I think it's good of me to recognize that there is bad in me. Ooh, yes, yes, yes. The bad in me sees the bad in you. And also with you, sister.

SPEAKER_02

Now you have time to have it. You'll be interviewed by questions.

SPEAKER_03

Welcome to heaven, Andy Ward. Thank you. I'm Zach Zimmerman here to audit you. I know we were friends on earth, but here it's purely business. I'm an angel, and I need to get try figure out if you're going to heaven or not at the end of today.

SPEAKER_04

Perfect.

SPEAKER_03

Would you like to know how you died?

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Andy, comedian, was doing his daily Duncan walk when the Duncan Killer attacked. Wow. This is a serial killer who is causing quite a stir on land, and you were drowned in a bathtub full of iced coffee, three creams, two sponges.

SPEAKER_04

That's wonderful. Wait, I love that.

SPEAKER_03

That's how you take your coffee, right?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, no, yeah. Is there is the killer at all related to like the Wendy Williams killer?

SPEAKER_03

No, separate. Separate Wendy's William killer.

SPEAKER_04

She had she was like so scared that there was like an actual killer after her. And she would always reference, she'd be like, Don't do that, because the killer's gonna get you. Wow. Like their YouTube video compilations of her mentioning the killer. I he's not doing a good job because last I looked, she's alive. The killer. She's like almost getting better.

SPEAKER_03

She's like she like went full bad and now she's like returning to a Britney Spears situation. Yes, it's like a cousin or something like that. Oh yeah, I know. Um, hot take a friend just said that we think Rue Paul is in a conservatorship with World of Wonder, and she's actually trapped there. Are you serious? These TikTok videos are her cries for help. Allah Britney Spears. Yes, really? Yeah. Oh my god. And this was a friend who was very anti the Rue Paul Fation of Drag, so it might be true.

SPEAKER_04

Did you see when uh with his new movie, his like producer, director, he like couldn't name the director? The producer that he literally the person who's working every day on the movie, and he's like, bring out gumbo, or something. He literally could not nail it.

SPEAKER_03

It was crazy. I'm bad with names, so I can empathize with that.

SPEAKER_04

That's that's what if you're gonna like introduce one person. Oh, that you think it was your only thing, yeah, your one thing, and like you've been working with him nonstop, I think you would remember.

SPEAKER_03

That's so funny, Andy Ward. 30 seconds on the clock, Andy. Why do you belong in heaven? Oh my god. Time starts now.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, great. Um, I I always have I always try to have like a dollar sum money whenever there's like a homeless person or person in need. Because I feel like that's just the the lowest thing you can do is because there's gonna be someone on the street that needs help. So I always got that. Don't ask me right now. I can triple check. Um I have a dollar. Are you homeless? Are you in need? No, I'm in need, not homeless. All right, I'll check, I'll check my wallet. Um seconds left.

SPEAKER_03

Um, I love mutual aid. I love time's up. Great. It's so interesting. For a while, we had I was gave people 60 seconds to defend themselves, but they ran out of things to say. And now that I've given people 30, they have more to say.

SPEAKER_04

Interesting.

SPEAKER_03

If only there were a number in between these two numbers.

SPEAKER_04

Now you're gonna like speedrun it at 15.

SPEAKER_03

Speedrun. Speedrun money. Yeah, if you had an extra 15, what would you say?

SPEAKER_04

Your time starts now. I just would say how much I love to uh give back to the community. I feel like mutual aid is actually something that's very important to me because these these big institutions are gonna fail sooner rather than later. Okay. So we all need to watch after our neighbors in each other.

SPEAKER_03

Time's up. Five seconds. And nothing earlier has been heard. This is all we're getting. Five seconds starts now.

SPEAKER_04

I like to watch people's houses for free when they're out out on vacation.

SPEAKER_03

Stop.

SPEAKER_04

That whenever someone's like, I gotta, I gotta go to Charleston for the weekend, they you watch it? They always know, they always know because I'm like, I'm a loser, gay, single, horrible housing system, triple threat. Triple threat. So they're like, Andy. And I always do it. I always do it. That is a thankless job. It is so uh I have to, I'm I'm gonna talk shit. Um, I feel like I keep doing this thing where I keep getting in. I've been like helping people out like do that and I keep getting in trouble. I just got a text message. They go, Did you take a shower? And I'm like, Yeah, like I'm gonna take a shower. While house sitting? Yeah, and they're like, Oh, okay, we just want to know because there was like leaks. I'm like, I have no idea how that would happen. But it's also like it like okay.

SPEAKER_03

Hey, hey, just checking in when you house sit, did you use the restroom?

SPEAKER_04

I hold it. I normally hold it.

SPEAKER_03

Did you open the door? Did you open the door? Did you did you happen to walk into the living room area?

SPEAKER_04

Zach, it's crazy. And also, I I'm I'm doing this website, trusted house sitters, where you can Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I I keep finding that's cat sitting too, right? Yeah, I keep finding that that I think you just need to move homes if you're doing that within New York. You we gotta get you out of your current.

SPEAKER_04

No, I know. I know. Truly.

SPEAKER_03

Roommates are evil.

SPEAKER_04

It's cra I but but it's like I think we're we're stuck in a situation where we can't live without roommates.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, I can't right now. Oh, I shouldn't be, but am. You got the COVID. And now I can't. I got a COVID deal and he's raising it every year now. He's like, we gotta get you back up to market rate.

SPEAKER_04

No.

SPEAKER_03

A, you're reminding me a woman emailed my college listserv, I think, oh, a few years ago, and asked for a house sitter. Uh-huh. Um and she was like, We've got this really great opportunity. You can house sit, and my cats will be there, so you'll get to spend time with them. And we just asked that you pay the utilities that you use while you're there. Shut up. Oh, you want me to pay to watch your cats? No, that's fucking insane. Cat sitting and dog sitting are jobs that deserve to be rendered financially lucrative to the person doing them.

SPEAKER_04

That's no, because what what keeps happening is people keep going. It's very kind because I am in a precarious situation, but they keep going, do you want to stay in my house? And it's like, you're asking me to dog sit. Like it's it's like it's like it's like, do you want to say, hey, do you want to work?

SPEAKER_03

Andy, I know you've got like a rough home situation. Do you mind watching my home? Uh my grandma's gonna be there. She she has like a little tube so you guys can have some fun.

SPEAKER_04

Just kind of like administer Ivy meds every hour.

SPEAKER_03

She needs a bath on Thursdays. But you guys will have so much fun at bath time.

SPEAKER_04

And you'll have the place kind of to yourself.

SPEAKER_03

That's how I feel like dog sitters do. They act like, or people that ask you to watch their dog, they think their dog is they think they're doing you a favor. Yes. Like, oh hey, you seem so lonely. Do you want to watch my dog? You love it. You just have to wake up at 5 30. Wait, do I know a dog named Lucy? Oh no, I don't I know a dog named Nancy. Okay. A dog named Lucy. That sounds like a Mitch album novel. Mitch album. Yeah, Five People You Meet in Heaven. You never did that one? No. You never came across the Mitch album universe? No. They're like feel-good novels, Five People You Meet in Heaven, Tuesdays with Maury. Are you guys reading that in heaven? Five days to heaven? That's yeah, those are the five guys. That's our that's our five, that's our book club up here. Way, five guys. We read exclusively things set in heaven.

SPEAKER_04

Okay. How heaven, I it I it's imperceivable to me. Well, you're not in yet. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

It might stay that way, D.Va.

SPEAKER_04

Here's the thing is I feel like you need like, I feel like people need to give a sneak peek of heaven to to like decide if I actually want to go there.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, interesting. You know, you don't want to be here.

SPEAKER_04

I'm here. Well, can you I want to hang out with you? Of course, but I'm like, that's why they have like previews of movies.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, you want the trailer for heaven?

SPEAKER_04

I want the trailer for heaven.

SPEAKER_03

In a world. It's where it's heaven. Well, I mean, the the thing is, it's not that you want to go to heaven, it's that you don't want to go to hell. That's how it's not perfect. Okay. Earth is the best.

SPEAKER_04

No, Earth is the best. That you think it's hell, earth is hell.

SPEAKER_03

This is the best it gets. No, this is hell. No, this is the best. Or that was the best. That was the best. You hate Earth? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I'm ready for the next thing.

SPEAKER_03

You're gonna you're jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, sweetheart.

SPEAKER_04

No, I'm ready for it. I just, it's it's like whenever people are like, oh, like hell is here. I agree.

SPEAKER_03

Interesting. I know. I feel like we're the same level of depressed and sad. Yeah, but we're we're not synced up, which is good. We're like clashing, yeah. We're like like micro, like microwaves. I pull you up when you're down or can't relate to you when you're down. Yeah. And then when I'm down, I'm like, why are you so happy? Yeah, get down here.

SPEAKER_04

I know. I think, but I think that's the best kind of friendship to have because like when you're both down, then it's like then you you have you have to be the person that's like, okay, then like actually like you're fine. Or you know, you can't actually like do like the emotional labor of being like, actually, we can get through this. Like, and you don't believe it. No, you're literally like interesting. Oh, well, you know, we're both sad, but I'll get out there.

SPEAKER_03

When you're up, you feel a little guilty for being up. Of course. Like, oh, I I actually had a great day. Or I feel like even Do you have space to hold my great day during your bad day?

SPEAKER_04

Truly, or even being up, I feel like I feel like being up kind of also removes you. Like it's hard to like look at other people because you're you're just like happy. I'm personally like happy in my own. I'm like, great, I'm on my own, not at all. Versus, I feel like And the down people are a threat then.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, you're gonna drag me down. Yeah, I just got up here. It's kind of like a drowning person. It's like when you're in a relationship and you're like unfamiliar with this. Say, girl.

SPEAKER_04

Honey, say uh say we got three hours. All right, let's go. Unlovable heaven relationship. Uh chat starts now.

SPEAKER_03

Um this is gonna slowly morph into a dating and relationship box.

SPEAKER_04

I'm here for it, but I feel like I feel like whenever you're in a relationship, it's like you're fully removed from your friend group and like your anchors because you're like if you do it wrong, if you do it wrong, if you do it wrong, I've been trying to do it right where the friends are number one forever.

SPEAKER_03

The lover can't come in and take me away from the friends. Okay, even though I very much want to let them do that.

SPEAKER_04

There's also the archetype of people who are so wanting to loop the like that is kind of like looping the friends in. Oh, into the romance?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but then then it's like I don't want to date your new bow.

SPEAKER_04

I know, exactly.

SPEAKER_03

I used to have a rule if they're not like three months in, I don't want to meet them. I once went, a friend brought a first date to a museum hang, and then I'm like, I'm just dating your I'm going on this date for you. Wait, that's so weird. I'm doing the emotional labor of meeting this person. Once you bring someone to something, you're co-signing them as your one true love forever and always.

SPEAKER_04

For s especially at a museum date like that.

SPEAKER_03

And I don't want to waste my precious, limited energy meeting someone who I may never see again. No, that that's crazy. Andy, we need to get some good deeds of yours.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, great. Do you think you're a good person? Do I think I'm a good person? I as as someone pause. It's very I know as some as someone who has um also I love that Gen Z is now saying they they are watching podcasts, which I do realize there's a video component to this. I'm of the generation where we used to listen to podcasts. Oh, you're telling me. All right. You mean the radio? The radio? Turn on the radio. I actually I don't think about I don't think a whole lot if I'm a good person or bad person. Like, because I think if you're so heavy, or if you're so heady in that it's like thou not protest too much. Oh, so I feel like I'm I like to be a little bit more neutral in that aspect. What does the word podcast mean? Podcast means uh podcast. Is it short for something? It was like derivative. I always I I'm finding this thing about myself where I say things with such authority and I like I know, and I'm so wrong. It's the gay. It's the gay. It's being a podcast. I thought was like a fake, like an app made by iF like Apple.

SPEAKER_03

Oh so it's like pod something, and then it was like a cast of it's like an iPod world, and that could be so because I was thinking watch a podcast might be okay, depending on what podcast meant.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_03

Gen Z. Most of our audience is Gen Z. Oh, and that they have incredible disposable income, and brands should hop on board this bandwagon. And I love that you're watching this podcast. People are looking at the numbers and they're like, this is flopping. And but I'm saying no. We are planting a foundation on which we will grow. You s this podcast is gonna it's gonna skyrocket. It's gonna go like this and then like this, and then like this, and then like this, and then I'm gonna get canceled. Okay. Looking forward to it. What are you gonna say? What's that? What are you gonna say? Although I'll probably dig something up. Okay. I've probably already said it.

SPEAKER_04

Or can you invite someone that's like can't like already like canceled and like that is a plot twist. What if I bring an actual evil person on?

SPEAKER_03

Um, yeah. What's Elon up to? We're out uh Elon is busy with the kids.

SPEAKER_04

He's a great he's he's like an evil person to the world, but he's like a great dad.

SPEAKER_03

We've got we know that's what if I I think I'll get canceled when I have Harvey Weinstein on and I send him to heaven.

SPEAKER_04

He's still okay, he's still alive. I'm in the You had to be like Well, I'm in the universe where he's dead. You know, like the Mandela effect. The Mandela effect. Like in my universe, he's already dead. Take that.

SPEAKER_03

What percentage evil would you say you are? God. Um or can I say God? Yeah. Okay, great. He's not gonna come. All right, he loves the sweetest. Haven't you read how to win friends and influence people? Well, that yeah, I know. The sweetest sound to anyone's face is their name, Andy Ward. And Angel Zach, that is correct. Oh yeah. I was dating someone who said my name too much, though. It was giving like your I have a name tag on, or you're reminding yourself who I'm she's like, how's your day, Zach? Were they?

SPEAKER_04

Were you was it like and Zach?

SPEAKER_03

Well, they were they were uh a sex worker who had lots of clients. So I think that was a way of just keeping track. Grounded. You could just save my number in your phone.

SPEAKER_04

Grounding themselves.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, hi Andy Ward. Yep, I'm here with you, or a manipulative way to you know endear yourself to the other person.

SPEAKER_04

Get them to fall more in love with you.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but can't I would not be love bombed? Not again. I would say 30% evil. Is that in your how many significant figures is that? Do you remember that mathematical concept? What do you mean now? Like that's one significant figure because it could be 20. The three is significant, the zero is like you've rounded up or down from something else. Like 30 could mean 25 to 34.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, I think 30.

SPEAKER_03

So it's 30, period would mean the zero is significant. Yeah. You remember this idea.

SPEAKER_04

Not at all. Chemistry? I was a I I did Spanish. I literally like I would like like numbers. Eight hours of Spanish. Literally, I it was eight hours of Spanish. No, literally they put me in math class and it's like, I cannot do this.

SPEAKER_03

Was that right? No. Is getting it wrong problematic?

SPEAKER_04

No.

SPEAKER_03

Great. Um but I think I think like I think it's good of me to recognize that there is bad in me. Ooh, yes, yes, yes. The bad in me sees the bad in you. And also with you, sister. I am realizing would we've been friends in high school? I think your core self is in high school, and that's really where your character is formed. Yeah. What was Andy Ward like in 11th grade?

SPEAKER_04

I I feel like I was I'm interested in the answer, but also thirsty.

SPEAKER_03

Please hold.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_03

Or speak while I sit.

SPEAKER_04

Great. I feel like I was very insecure. Um and and there was like literally Can we get some underscoring, some emotional sad underscoring? Yeah, perfect. Hans Emmer, you out there? You kind of just work on, you know, just do Hans Emmer, just do your thing. Hans. Hans.

SPEAKER_03

He's he's gonna be here soon.

SPEAKER_04

Sorry, Hans. I'm in and I'm in the universe where he's 45. Is he not? Is it like literally how he's dead and hot?

SPEAKER_03

He wrote so many things. He's been doing maybe he started when he was six, Mozart style.

SPEAKER_04

I was so there was like two other gay guys, probably five more in the closet.

SPEAKER_03

You had three gays in high school.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. Wow. Like in total at the whole school. And we I was so insecure about myself, I like fully disengaged with them.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, so you you you bit the hand that could have fed you.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah. Who were you friends with? I did student government. By the way, whenever do you if I were to say Stugo, do you know what that means?

SPEAKER_03

We've texted about this.

SPEAKER_04

I know.

SPEAKER_03

No one knows what Stugo means. It's tell tell me. You have no allies. No one knows Stugo. Please, Stugo heads, rise up. You will understand this. I Googled Stugo and it did come up.

SPEAKER_04

Okay. What position did you hold? I was so uh I started in junior year, so it was junior year VP, moved on on uh on what's it called when no one runs against you?

SPEAKER_03

Um good news. No, it's uh uh not undefeated. That's what it's unchallenged, unchallenged senior year. That feels wrong, though. There's probably a better word. Yeah. Uncontested senior year. Producer Angel Paul New Uncontested president. Wow. The gay guy's do go pipeline is powerful.

SPEAKER_04

It's because like it's it's very much a thing of like, you know, gay guys can't really do sports, and so we're we're kind of like put in this this category.

SPEAKER_03

What about heated rivalry?

SPEAKER_04

One is gay guys are doing sports now.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_04

Some one I it's funny because gay guys are doing sports in the imagination of is she lesbian? Oh, right, right, right. Who's the writer? Is she? I'm not sure. Might be non-binary. Are they non-binary? In the in the this the headspace of non-binary and lesbian women, gay guys are doing sports, but it's like that's not how maybe that's the red, white, and blue series. That's yeah, they're they're non-binary. Maybe. Yeah. Now, I think because gay guys can't do sports, we're kind of put in this position of, you know, what we're good at is kind of having an opinion and and kind of uh I I got in trouble because there was a a uh say law. There was a rule at in high school where you couldn't wear weapons on your shirt.

SPEAKER_03

And like oh, like pictures of weapons. Yeah, pictures of my high school you couldn't do open carry. You couldn't do open carry my bombs. I wasn't gonna have to get away.

SPEAKER_04

Literally losers. Um, so like I of course home wouldn't let me have knives. In your in your mind, you're gonna think like no weapons on your shirts. We're thinking guns, knives, classic weapons, yeah. I had a medieval medieval sword from urban outfitters. The VP or whatever vice principal brought me in his room and goes, You just you can't wear that. You've got so many people watching you. Like, as if I was, I don't know, like George Santos. Like, this is fucking crazy. I'm like, it's a goddamn medieval sword. Is that why you went to Stugo to fight this rule? That was me during Stugo, and he was, he was like, Everyone, he was like, Everyone's looking up to you. Everyone's you're all you're making all these gang dang decisions. Meanwhile, I'm the like like deciding what color we're wearing for prom. I'm like, what the fuck, man?

SPEAKER_03

Wait, you own a medieval sword T V neck all the way around?

SPEAKER_04

No, not the V. Where was the sword position?

SPEAKER_03

It had to have been like here, like straight up? Yeah, just a single sword. Single sword. That is crazy. You weren't allowed to wear that. And it said, I'm gonna stab all my classmates.

SPEAKER_04

I did forget to mention that part.

SPEAKER_03

The damn. We yeah, we wouldn't have been friends in high school. No, no. If you were you were wearing medieval swords to class. I wore brands. I loved my American Eagle. Anything that said American Eagle, really big, and then some other kids that were very cool. Um did one of them die? I went on Facebook recently.

SPEAKER_04

I know they're they should be here.

unknown

I think he died.

SPEAKER_03

I'll have to check. Okay. Um or just messaged me when my book came out, like you win. He bullied me. Um but he they would wear they wore cool clothes that were the brand is small, and I didn't know any better. So everything I wore was like America era postel. Yeah. And occasionally some stuff from Walmart. I that was trash in middle school. If someone caught me, knew my pants were from Walmart, and I was devastated for a month. Of course, now I'm like, wear whatever you want.

SPEAKER_04

Don't you wish you could really impart those thoughts and values to your younger son?

SPEAKER_03

It'd be impossible to do. Hey, no one cares about that pimple right here. It's also, but uh no one cares about that little nose pimple right there.

SPEAKER_04

They don't no one cares. No, cause every because everyone is so rooted in themselves, but it's also like you know, my thought thinking this out loud that that's like what parents are for.

SPEAKER_03

But I feel like I I can't we have perfect parents that intervened at the right moment.

SPEAKER_04

I keep thinking it's like, what the hell are where were I mean mine was just busy as hell.

SPEAKER_03

Mine were working too. Yeah. That's the empathy I have. Like, oh, you just weren't around. You provided m you got money, so I had food and clothes, but zero emotional support. I know. But I was thinking recently, I was flying and there was a family of four going to the Delta Lounge, like well dressed. The kids are like 12, 13. And I was like, I never got to like travel. They felt like they were going international. Like, I never got to travel with my family or dad or fly altogether. And then I was like, I actually don't want to be traveling with my dad. Like, that wouldn't have been fun. Yeah, only. This like family vacations. We could have gone all over. It's like, no. That would have been a nightmare. Yeah. Going to Paris with your parents as a kid? Are you having fun? I was also thinking, like, I want my nephews to come to New York, but I'm like, what are they gonna do? How old are they?

SPEAKER_04

Nine and eleven, or like C eleven. Oh, wait, wait. C Eleven.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, you want to bring them to New York on 9-11? I think like I was thinking recently. You know what those terrorists did? What do they do? Made a lot of jobs. They created a lot of jobs.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Do you if you're in hell's it for forever, or can you like kind of we're I'm it's open. Okay. Yeah, you mostly there's eternity, but then there's eternity too. So once you serve, it's sort of like the criminal justice system. You're sentenced for eternity, but you can go in for parole after after uh 10 million years. Okay. And then in your eternity too, you can come up to heaven maybe for a little while. That's very And we do nice little um you know how uh they bring kids on field trips to show them what life could be like and expose them to big ideas. Oh, you could apply to college, oh you could do this career, like career day. We do that with heaven with the sinners in hell. That's amazing. You guys could work towards this. Maybe one day you'll be in the land of milk and honey. Uh but if they're dead, how how do they fix their actions? You can still do things in hell. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a lot of torture, but you can still be mean or nice. Is there any mutual aid happening in hell? Are these it started there actually? I gotta do it. It started there. Most of the torture in hell is being asked by friends to Venmo mutual aid in cities that you don't live in. Overwhelming those mutual aid groups so that they don't actually know what to do with the money.

SPEAKER_04

I have my my personal hell was I was in a mutual aid specifically. Uh it was like all virtual. And I was like, I went for a couple weeks and I was like very gung hell, very stugo. I was like, let's fix this, let's go, go, go, and then I get and like I'm trying to do like one thing. I was like, they were trying to promote their website, and I was like, what if we put it on our Instagram and the Link Tree? And they're like, we need a unanimous vote consent on this. Unanimous. And I was like, for a link tree. For a link tree, and we couldn't get everyone on the zoom, and so I was like, I have to get out.

SPEAKER_03

That's a lot.

SPEAKER_04

Like that that emotional work I cannot do. That's a lot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But I'm glad you're in the group. Yeah. It's time for a couple big questions, Andrew. What is the meaning of life? Meaning of life. I'm a little parched. Would you like to go for a Duncan sip?

SPEAKER_04

Let's go for a Duncan sip.

SPEAKER_02

Cheers! Oh no, cheers!

SPEAKER_03

Uh oh. God, that's great. My Duncan Zero is so refreshing.

SPEAKER_04

And my my Duncan iced coffee is amazing. You know what? It's amazing. I wish um, I don't even wish they have those deals where if you ever get hungry in the morning, always. You can get you can get you too? Yes! I get hungry in the morning. You can get two snack wraps with a coffee, $6.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, that's is this the $6 meal deal I've been hearing about? Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04

Get it now in the Duncan mobile app. Which I used to order ahead.

SPEAKER_03

Me too. And sometimes my order's there.

SPEAKER_04

And 90% of the times it's not.

SPEAKER_03

All right. But I'm learning patience.

SPEAKER_04

Thanks, Duncan. Thanks, Duncan. Patience is the real um thing I ordered. I feel like the the meaning to life is of life. Of life. Meaning of life. The meaning to life? Meaning meaning. The mean see remember, I'm I'm a Spanish speaker, so I'm I'm kind of like things. Oh, things are changing. And also with you. And also with you. Meaning of life is I I feel like to V Vita or Vita's life, yeah. I feel like just vibe. Like I literally took the I took my-bout to say just vibes. Yeah. I literally was like taking the e-bike over whichever bridge. Okay, brag.

SPEAKER_03

On a 90-degree day, you were able to bike and you didn't arrive here uh droplet from heaven.

SPEAKER_04

No, thank you. Uh, and I'm like, this is like just looking out, like this is literally what it's all about. You were you gonna jump?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah. Most people say I was at uh GovBall this weekend and I asked people what the meaning of life was uh for time out, and they were a lot of like live life like it's your last connection, etc. And you it's like, oh, when I'm alone on a bike.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Looking at the sky, outdoors.

SPEAKER_04

I'm looking, I'm kind of more like looking at just like the water and like the people I feel like also the other thing is this is gonna sound extremely poetic, but I feel like I'm but like every also just like pass people passing by, and I'm kind of like, what is your life? Like, where you're biking, you're going to to like a crazy family and see that. You're going home to a you know bachelorette party, love that. And I like seeing all the I think that's connecting, you know, just it didn't rhyme though.

SPEAKER_03

And I thought it was gonna be extremely poetic and it didn't rhyme.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, and so po so poems actually don't need to rhyme, which is kind of like the whole thing about it.

SPEAKER_03

Uh that's an earth thing. In heaven, the poems rhyme.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, well, this this might be not timely, but have you ever seen a hymn that didn't rhyme?

SPEAKER_03

God loves rhymes. He loves have you read the the Psalms? Okay, is God God is God the Psalms don't rhyme? Is God gang? Like, because he like he like loves singing. You're not coming on judgment day outing God on Pride Month. God is great, God is good, God is good. Let us thank him for food.

SPEAKER_04

Our food. Food. And uh, because he's like love singing. He's like, you gotta sing, you gotta like dance a little. Stop.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, sorry. Next time you're like, oh, I hooked up with God. Lit literally the clip would go viral, but that is can't a cancelable offense. Oh, really? You're not supposed to out people. I didn't know that. Isn't that rule number one of being gay?

SPEAKER_04

Sorry, I'm not trying to about being gay. I'm asking, I want to connect with God more, and that's just what I'm trying to connect with him for. Trying, not trying to out him.

SPEAKER_03

When you say you want to connect to God, you're looking to the camera. So you think God's in the camera?

SPEAKER_04

God is everywhere. Is that I'm learning?

SPEAKER_03

He's literally right behind you.

SPEAKER_04

God don't look! Okay, he's gone now. Is he kind of like is he kind of like the leprechaun from uh from from uh Easter? The leprechaun from Easter from St. Patrick's Day?

SPEAKER_03

Oh, I see because you speak Spanish, you're switching the figure. You're like, is this the day of the dead? No, that one that's Halloween, sorry. Did you you know you know what I'm talking about? Like on St.

SPEAKER_04

Patrick's Day, it's like leprechauns are inning everywhere. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Do you mean like Rumpel Stilskin? What is changelings?

SPEAKER_04

I because because it I feel like why is every every creature for like the holidays, it's always like you can't see him, he's not here, but he left you something. Because they don't exist.

SPEAKER_03

Okay. Hate to break this to you, Andy. The reason the creatures are fictional for the holidays. There's no Easter Bunny. What? There's no Leprechaun, there's no Santa Claus. That's that's difficult. Santa Claus was invented by Coca-Cola to sell Coca-Cola. Is that true? According to a TikTok with a number of views.

SPEAKER_04

I love all the AI ads they're doing recently.

SPEAKER_03

Tic Tik Coca-Cola Coca-Cola. Never.

SPEAKER_04

Duncan would never. Duncan would never.

SPEAKER_03

I'm proud of her. Yeah. She hasn't fallen victim to the AI slop yet.

SPEAKER_04

There definitely probably already has. They're doing stuff with like Megan the Stallion. They're calling her Proteina. She's like kind of like a like a Oh, bringing the protein back? Yeah, bringing protein back and she's got like her own like characters, proteina.

SPEAKER_03

I how much protein are you doing a day?

SPEAKER_04

I'm because I'm not able to be on my GLP one right now. I'm not doing any because there's because I'm gonna gain 100 pounds. Oh, why can't you be on your GLP1? Did I tell you this? Oh yeah, because I got kicked. You got too skinny.

SPEAKER_03

I know because I can- And got kicked off the insurance.

SPEAKER_04

I got kicked off the insurance because I told my doctor I was depressed.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, right. Yeah. And so, like And they're like GOP1's making you depressed.

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Anahedra? Anna anhydra? There's uh there's no the like mood thing.

SPEAKER_04

There's no there's nothing though. There's like there's no pure uh there's no pure article that's not proven.

SPEAKER_03

No, huh?

SPEAKER_04

And so chat uh you know at me and chat GPT, we made our argument to Anthem. Oh copy paste, copy paste.

SPEAKER_03

I am in a heated exchange with the Livin' app, which is like a well-being app that was charging me $90 every three months for a thing I wasn't using, and I am chat GPTing the hell out of that customer service line. What is live what is living? It was like living is this thing that you're forced to do. Uh Livin, I don't even know what it was. It was like a mental health app. Okay. It was like Duolingo for anxiety or something. That actually sounds like I want to download it. But they did a free trial and they just started charging me, charging me, charging me. It was on me to cancel, but they never sent any kind of alert or like, hey, we're gonna cancel. So I'm using my very small platform to hate on Livin' and Anthropocars Bruce Shield. Can you tell your doctor you're cured? You're happy again a month or two.

SPEAKER_04

That's the thing is like I'm gonna like start sending her like G-Cal invites every week, just being like, I'm great. I'm up. Feeling great. Just like seeing and hey, you're welcome to join my birthday party. Like, I don't know, it's like a birthday, like happy events.

SPEAKER_03

What could you invite your therapist to that would make just like invite them to something five years from now? Being like, I'm so excited. Just bought an engagement ring. That's such a plot point on TV shows. Like, if someone kills themselves, but it's suspicious, you like check and you're like, oh, they had an engagement ring. Oh, they had a reason to live. Wait, that's they were planning for things. It's a paradise season, too. Spoiler. Sorry. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_04

Wait, no, that's such a good thing to think about. You should buy an engagement ring. I'm going to, and I'll just like send it to Anthem and my PCP and be like, would I kill myself if I'm getting in married?

SPEAKER_03

It's like when you get a have to get a green card and prove you're in love. Yeah. Government. You're just like sending Hello. Sending these AI pictures of you and you and Connor's story. Hey! Having so much fun. Three months, so happy, would love to consume fewer calories soon.

SPEAKER_04

Would a married couple go to Charleston together if we hated each other?

SPEAKER_03

You are getting such a GLP1 deal on your insurance. I'm dropping $300 a month to not eat $300 worth of food. I know. But anything for love. Anything to one day be love.

SPEAKER_04

There's no other way to do it.

SPEAKER_03

I milk the vial. Yeah. I'm I'm they say only take that vial for a month. I'm it's sticking around for a month and a half. And you feel good? No. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I feel fine. Okay, good. I'm I and I get my 200 calories, 200 calories a day. Are you a cat?

SPEAKER_04

Are you a cat? Cat? What?

SPEAKER_03

Yep. And I I hate water. Wait, are you like 200 grams of protein a day? I think that's too much. No, if for I'm a big boy.

SPEAKER_04

I wanna I want to ask a question. I don't know if it's appropriate. Are you pooping? Yeah. Okay. You don't think I'm pooping? That 200, you'd be clogged up. Protein doesn't make you poop. Girl, you'd be clogged up.

SPEAKER_03

No, I I'm pretty regular. Worked up. I figured out I'm doing my fiber.

SPEAKER_04

You're taking fiber supplements?

SPEAKER_03

No. Yes. I have a little Amazon gummies for fiber and chia seeds. Are you drinking enough water? Never. There you go. I could go for something refreshing and hydrating.

SPEAKER_04

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_03

Like a Duncan, like a Duncan refresher? Wait, yeah, I literally don't. I never drink enough water. It's the one note my mom feels comfortable giving me. What what notes does she not feel comfortable giving you? Well, like, don't be gay, um, don't take the train at night. Okay. Um, text and call me more. Uh, let me call you son 900 times a day. Um It's interesting because it's like she says something hurtful, like don't be gay. And then in the same. I don't think she's ever actually said don't be gay. Okay, okay. But like I would rather you're going to hell. Well, jokes on you, Pat. Jokes on you. I'm in heaven. Maybe I created the show to make sure I go to heaven. Or to feel what heaven's like. A place I could never consumer music. And I want to pass judgment on others, like the judgment I was raised with.

SPEAKER_04

And you were never given like a sponsor. You're never given like a product sponsor. No, as a kid. As a kid. We didn't have those. You need that's why the kids are alright nowadays. They're getting they're getting those. I know.

SPEAKER_03

I lived my first 29 years without a brand deal.

SPEAKER_04

That's it impossible for someone nowadays.

SPEAKER_03

Or I kind of got a Princeton grand brand deal. They like gave me need-based aid. Financial aid was the original brand deal. And uh hit that Princeton hard.

SPEAKER_04

Hit that.

SPEAKER_03

You went to Arizona State, right? I sure did. Checks out. Yep.

SPEAKER_04

Uh well, where America learns to party. Where America learns to party. We got some sassy angel angels up here already.

SPEAKER_03

Um you can say gay.

SPEAKER_04

Gay. I yeah, Air ASG was great, by the way.

SPEAKER_03

What's the worst thing you ever did?

SPEAKER_04

Worst thing I ever did. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03

I already know.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, great. Although so then I'll give an anecdote of what I did recently that was very A recent wrong? Yeah. Oh my god. I got so drunk one time, and I went to this bar with my friend. We were kind of like, we're like, this is recent. I'm 34 years old. We were acting like we're 17, just going crazy. And we're at this bar and I was like hungry as hell off my GLP one. And I see this unintended no I see this unintended um like chicken over rice meal. And so I'm like, okay. In a bar? Yeah. That's why that's what it was like weird. On a table? On a table. And so like I gave it five minutes. I gave it to you. How many chairs? What do you mean, chairs? This is on a table. It was just chairs? It was like it was like from the bodega brought into the bar just sealed. Gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_03

So it's in like a Tupperware. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_04

I stole it. I ate it. And then the the day Ate it in the bar?

SPEAKER_03

At home. And then the Was it covered? Yeah. So it was sealed.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And was it in a bag? I think so. Oh, so someone put their food there.

SPEAKER_04

So then I got a DM the day after. No. Yes. The guy said, like, I saw you on the camera, you fat ass die. Oh my god, on the camera.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. They pulled the camera and called you a name.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. Hilarious. Was it the staff? I it was like friends of the staff. Oh. So fucking, I mean, I feel, of course, very bad. Did you reply?

SPEAKER_03

Wait, how'd they find you? Because you chatted up with people. How did they find you?

SPEAKER_04

Probably like my card on file or something. Oh god. That detective Pikachu coming for you. The thing was $7, the chicken over rice. That the work you did probably worth more than that.

SPEAKER_03

The tab you ran up should have gotten a free chicken over rice.

SPEAKER_04

Literally, places give you free pizza. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03

So oh I know. Wow. I mean, when you're the worst I've done in this category of things was I was at a bar and there was a birthday party happening in the back. You're like, I already know where this is going. No, I don't, but maybe. And of course they had cake. They had a large cake, like kind of too much cake to be given away. And I was like, I kind of want a piece of that cake. Yeah. And I think I can charm my way into it. And I was with a friend of mine who this is the reason I don't want to be famous. Okay, one shouldn't want to be famous. I was with my friend of mine who is famous, and we went over and we got a piece of cake and we're enjoying it. And then the woman whose birthday was like, I love your work. Like, thank you so that he was like, Thank you for the cake. And she's like, Thank you for making a great show. And I'm like, oh, now you can never get free cake from a friend because they're always gonna remember you for doing that. I'm anonymous. I can get free cake, I can steal your cake, uh-huh, and my name will not be attached to that. But now forever, they're gonna be like, Wow, you and Harvey Weinstein or on my birthday, Harvey Weinstein took a piece of my cake.

SPEAKER_04

Wait, just for my understanding, you took the piece of cake and the the birthday girl recognized you.

SPEAKER_03

Not me, my famous friend.

SPEAKER_04

Oh my god. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

Who I am not naming, not to protect his privacy, but to create mystique and allure. And we haven't really spoken in a long time. Okay. So it feels weird to name drop someone you haven't talked to in five years, four years? Little mystery on the podcast. Little mystery. I feel like I think the other thing I feel like I botched that story. I got a piece of cake in the end. Did you feel bad for eating it? No. Why? Uh a little. Yeah. They could tell I was kind of using them for the cake. Oh my god. Like, hey, happy birthday.

SPEAKER_04

I think when it's your birthday, you're so like attuned, like everything, you're rose colored glasses. So you're like, oh my god, it's my birthday. Because it because it's still about you eating the cake is still about them.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, true.

SPEAKER_04

It's like, oh my god, you want to eat my cake on my birthday? A corner piece. In my bar.

SPEAKER_03

Bitch. Yeah. A flower. There you go. Remember as a kid when you got the flower? Of what? On the cake. The frosting. Bitch, I was eating cake every day. So you got they got a little bit more specific. Andy's calendar. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Is that a song? Uh we're just gonna back it up. Yeah. Wow. Chicken and rice theft. But now you're never gonna do that again.

SPEAKER_04

You know what? Probably not. I'm gonna, well, I'll I'll at least be a little bit more careful next time.

SPEAKER_03

Uh alcohol and food are dangerous. In Seattle, I did a show, and a friend's mom came and brought me these beautiful chocolates from Franz Chocolates and a little bag, and I left them on a table. And then a drunk woman who had heckled the entire show, I catch her opening the chocolates, laying them out one by one. It's like a little box of nine on the edge of the counter. I think she ate one, but she touched them all. Lovely. And I'm like, what are you doing? She was stealing my friend's mom's gift to me chocolates. Okay, don't pass too much judgment. That is crazy. What? No, someone drunk taking someone's food.

SPEAKER_04

Wait, that is fucking crazy. I hate them. Did you just say fucking? Oh, sorry, can I not say that? In heaven? I and me? Guys, clip. Clip.

SPEAKER_03

Clip is the opposite. Great.

SPEAKER_04

Clip it.

SPEAKER_03

Clip it. Clip it. Clip it to me. 90% of podcasts now are people saying clip it.

SPEAKER_04

No, I that was that. Sorry, I happen to listen to that as one note. And I'm like, I I guess it I don't fully understand what it means. And also like turn it into a clip.

SPEAKER_03

All right. Because that's all we're making right now is clips. Lordy, because no one has time to listen to a whole conversation.

SPEAKER_04

Also, I wanted before uh our conversation before this was how on podcasts they'd love to talk about the heat of the of the venue. Of the room. Of the room. Like this is like across what across all podcasts. There's not been a podcast where they don't comment on the heat of the room.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, interesting.

SPEAKER_04

But that's relatable to the audience. They're in the room with us. And it's also hot. It made me think of the I've seen probably in the last year eight comedy specials or like shows about some sort of like body pain part. And like I saw this girl very funny. Love her to death, I won't name her. She had a great special about like her back. Very funny. Her back? Her back pain. Like something happened. Like she had like surgery back. Huh? What? Yeah. I love her. But it's her, right? Yeah. But I couldn't see I couldn't. We know it. Okay, but I couldn't stop thinking about my back the whole hour. Oh, it was and so I think whenever there are podcasts for the show.

SPEAKER_03

I love you trying to like hide like. So I was seeing this show about a woman wrote about having an abortion. I won't name her name.

SPEAKER_04

Won't name her.

SPEAKER_03

She's got a book coming out called I'm a Lot. Won't name her name. When it's, I think I don't know if she's doing the show. You should see it. But um it wasn't that show wasn't for you. It wasn't no, it was for me. Or it made you aware of your back during the show.

SPEAKER_04

That's all that's my that's my comment.

SPEAKER_03

You gotta have comfortable chairs.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I when I did the when I did the Edmund Fringe, it was a my venue was like 90 degrees. It was so hot, it was so unpleasant. And I learned very quickly you get like one joke about it. Yeah, you can't do 10 minutes about how hot it is. You kind of don't want to remind people that their body's in pain. That was the Which is the hard thing, literally.

SPEAKER_04

But we are all bodies. We are all bodies. And I told you about the venue that was like people love to stand.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah, you did a show somewhere and they were like, We I find people love to stand at the comedy show.

SPEAKER_04

There, they put out probably 10 chairs, and I think packed out could have been 50, 60, 60 people, and I was like, hey, just kind of check it in on the chair situation. Um, and they were like, they told me they go, actually, our understanding is that people love to stand. And I was like, Insane. I don't know what where that's from. Never that never. I've never, I've never like been. I'm like, I'm gonna be in this area or I'm gonna be at the show for an hour. I need to stand. That is crazy to me.

SPEAKER_03

I would always rather be sitting, and I'd always rather be laying. Yay! I'd rather be lounging. I have a per perfect position. It is the position I will ultimately lay in, a casket in on my couch that is just directly it's like I'm in a a sound bath or one of those floating baths where I just I feel weightless.

SPEAKER_04

Have you done one of those? Two. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03

I did like I did one in Paris of all places and Greenpoint. Okay. I don't know why I felt the need. Well, I just had a very stimulating time in Paris and was like, I need to cleanse and begin this floating bath. It's a little scary. And then I find I kind of I have some like tension in my groin because I kind of bend. It's funny. I don't I can't lay. I'm afraid someone's gonna punch me in my groin.

SPEAKER_04

For me, uh because I've done one too. I I hated it because it's like it's like have you done one? No, I don't know. I don't not even try. I'm just trying to like No, no, no. But I feel like it's like bog temperature. You're kind of like it's like it is giving it's not it's not like comfortable hot, it's not comfortable cold. You're it's like You're sweating because you're not even under the water the whole time. I don't think I sweat. No. In that one. Oh. Oh, and oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03

Wow. Okay, try to read me.

SPEAKER_04

I thought hateful. Hateful. I thought you were saying I never sweat that.

SPEAKER_03

I didn't sweat in the bog. Sorry, I went to a fancy one in Paris, not the Phoenix, Arizona guy with a garbage can that let you dunk your head.

SPEAKER_04

Those are cheap and they're fine. He and he like he gets out the lights himself and he's like kind of doing the great. I'm doing what is that EDM? Yeah, EDMR. He's like heating up the tea on like on just on the gravel himself somehow. All for five dollars. Yeah. No, it was a bad experience for me.

SPEAKER_03

Andy, we have uh a moral dilemma. Great in sent in from our listener, which is not a lie to encourage people to actually send them in. Okay. You have two friends who don't like each other that were born on the same day. Okay. And their birthday parties are on the same day. Okay. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_04

Um listening comprehension. Uh I was I was invited and they both don't like each other.

SPEAKER_03

They're two separate events on the same day, and you've been invited to both. Uh-huh. You like both of them, but they don't like each other. Ooh. How are you scheduling your day and explaining where why you're not there? It's eight o'clock dinners, two eight o'clock dinners.

SPEAKER_04

Oof, that's great. I feel like what this comes down to uh a really who likes me more situation. Interesting. Because because okay, if one dinner is four of us, that bam. If they're the percentage of dinner you are. Exactly. Because if the other dinner is like, yeah, come, um, it's me and my closest 30 friends. I'm like, well, you 30 friend dinner? You hate me, and I'm going over to the four one.

SPEAKER_03

All right. Well, the 4-1 just may not have that many friends. They may need you more than like you.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, okay. So so going into my decision is the percentage of who I am at the dinner. Also, what happened that week? Who like texted me most recently? Uh, that kind of algorithm. Recency bias. Recently, recency bias. Um recently biased. Recently virus. Recently virus. Who recently um who precinctly Miley Cyrus? Whose Instagram am I on more?

SPEAKER_03

And then I I posting or viewing?

SPEAKER_04

Uh if they're viewing my Instagram, if I'm tagged in theirs. And so I do all this kind of mental calculation, and then at the end of the day, I would choose which one.

SPEAKER_03

And you're not, and then okay, you're not coming to my dinner. What are you telling me? If anything. Uh I got coronavirus. Thank God for her.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. She that the the the the intervention.

SPEAKER_03

Is it allowed to be an excuse anymore?

SPEAKER_04

No. That is I just I just got one recently. A coronavirus? Excuse. I can't go. I have coronavirus. At this point, I need to see your antigen thing or like your actual picture of one of those and send it through. I well, you can look at the medicine.

SPEAKER_03

I don't cancel me, RFK Jr., but it's there's no reason there's no different treatment if you know you have coronavirus versus a cold versus something else. We are aligned. I I will I will the flu you can take Tamflu. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Uh for the cursed for COVID, you can take something the thing. Ivermectin.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. From and you shoot it up your body. I think my mom did.

SPEAKER_04

But yeah, I so that that's my answer.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, sorry you got corona.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And I'll be everyone, if Andy tells you he has corona, he actually doesn't like you that much. Yeah. Or he's done a sinister calculation of how much you matter to him. That was that was terrifying.

SPEAKER_04

I think it I it's That was terrifying. It's because I have like uh I feel like people I think I think too much. And not not in not in like a head, like in like I'm amazing.

SPEAKER_03

It's not evil, you're just overthinking.

SPEAKER_04

I'm overthinking and it's actually a burden on me.

SPEAKER_03

Oh I uh felt that recently. You could also I was thinking about how I would answer it. You could be honest and let the person know, hey, you're double scheduled with this guy. Yeah, like put the burden on them. Yeah. And then see what they say.

SPEAKER_04

I also forgot part of that algorithm is who invited you first. Oh, interesting. Because then that matters.

SPEAKER_03

That's oh, I'm already committed to that. That's an easy way out because it's like, oh, yeah, Rebecca invited me to be first. Yeah. I find that on comedy shows where I'm like, hey, can I go last or go first? People are like, oh, this person already asked. It's like, oh, okay. You're the worst first.

SPEAKER_04

You're the worst comedian then.

SPEAKER_03

You're on my shit list for doing that.

SPEAKER_04

Really? For having a need for double dipping, triple dipping? Because it's become a common thing where everyone has that need.

SPEAKER_03

Hey, can I go first? Because I don't want to be at your show and go to bed.

SPEAKER_04

Exactly. That is exactly again. You see how my algorithm is.

SPEAKER_03

Can I go last because I want everyone to be really warm? Can I go last because I don't want to see you do shit and I want to leave immediately.

SPEAKER_04

All right.

SPEAKER_03

Hey, hey, I'm actually not gonna do your show. Yeah, can I can I cancel?

SPEAKER_04

Can I cancel? Can I uh just watch it from online?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. We've got uh character witness, Andy. Okay, from your friend Adam Mano. Great on Earth right now is giving a lovely little eulogy at your funeral. Perfect. Let's see what he has to say about you belonging in heaven.

SPEAKER_01

Andy does not belong in heaven because he does this thing where he will go to the club with you, dance, have a great time, and he will diss a fucking peer. Disappear. And he will leave you and your friends looking at each other like, where did he go? Should we be concerned? Just gone. And I have a secret belief that he enjoys it. I think he gets something out of it. I think he likes the drama, the mystery, the fun. And for that reason, he is going to hell. What?

SPEAKER_04

This is this is Irish phobic. That is an Irish exit, people. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_03

Are you Irish?

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Maria Freckles. That's the first time we've had someone say the person belongs in hell. I believe it. Great. I'm going.

SPEAKER_04

See, that's where all the fun people are at.

SPEAKER_03

Um I saw a TikTok recently of a wedding DJ telling people that they should Irish goodbye. Like the couple actually doesn't want you to interrupt them on the dance floor and say, hey, I'm leaving.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. Yeah, I do that. I mean, because there's like the joke reason why the Irish text, but then I get I guess the whole thing today is I get so in my head, and I think what happens is like, I get I get sad and I leave. Oh on the dance floor? Yeah. What are you sad about? I literally I think it's because like I come down, I'm just like, oh I got so much to do. I got someone every hates you, dah, dah, dah, got all. And then like, I gotta go.

SPEAKER_03

Have you tried um Living in the Moment?

SPEAKER_04

Ooh, I love that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I've been living in the moment. I need to do that. It's all we have.

SPEAKER_04

That's all I hear. That's what the meaning of life is about.

SPEAKER_03

That is what all the people at GovBall say about. Oh, really? I was like, what's the meaning of life? And they were like, you have to live each day like it's your last. And so as I left GoveBall at five o'clock before seeing any of the headliners, I was like, if this was my last day on earth, I would go see these shows. But I know it's not my last day on earth, and I want to get a good night's rest, so I left and went home. I think if you do live each day like it's your last, you're making it more likely that's gonna be true one of those days. Say more about that. Like, don't go so hard every day on life. Oh, yeah, save a little in the tank for tomorrow.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But I've also sometimes I feel like I'm saving too much in the tank. I'm gonna like I'm already living like I'm retired.

SPEAKER_04

That that's um it's making me think of they they did a study of people who take a lot of vitamins or like multivitamins, like and they're dying earlier or and and it, but that it's not causation versus whatever. It's because these are like the people who are out, like like you know, like you know, like hiking, biking, and so that so people that makes them die.

SPEAKER_03

Not to think so. Again, so if you take a multivitamin, more likely to be hit by a bear, eaten by a bear because you're outside or hit by a bear.

SPEAKER_04

Because you're you're active, like, I let's go get the day, sister, and then they're more likely to die.

SPEAKER_03

They're more likely to die. I'm pretty safe on my couch.

SPEAKER_04

Well, that that's exactly the thinking.

SPEAKER_03

It makes me think when companies say safety is our number one priority. I'm like, you you wouldn't exist if safety was your number one. You want to make money. It's much safer to not have planes than to have planes. Say that. It's much safer to have planes, not have planes than have planes. Sponsored by Boeing 737. Blast off. Oh, or Amtrak. Amtrak. Yeah, take an Amtrak. I read some quote though in the front page of Cassie David's essay collection that was at Barnes and Noble today. I like to go to Barnes Noble and get jealous of all the books that are out there. Perfect and a good local, good local business. If you believe you, if you have a positive outlook, you live seven years longer than a negative outlook. I hate that. That is so annoying.

SPEAKER_04

Uh also the was I forgot I keep keep keeping listening to people like, um, would you if you got a million dollars, would you be okay having one year of your life taken off? I'm like, bitch, every night I don't take use my CPAP, I'm getting a year off my life. I'm like, I don't care. Like this whole like, do you care if there's one more year? I don't know, and I don't care. Wow. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

You're ready to come to heaven, I think. Yeah, I'm ready. Or be sent to hell. Yeah. Time for the lightning round, Andy. You need to send these things to heaven or hell. Great. Patty Gonia. Hell Padagonia. Pat Padagonia. The brand. Heaven. Heaven. Pride month. Hell, it's annoying. Twinks. Hell. Bears. Under hell. Twinks who become bears. Hell, hell, hell. I hate that. Couples therapy. Love. Individual therapy. Heaven, heaven. Giving advice to a friend.

SPEAKER_04

Heaven.

SPEAKER_03

Taking the advice you gave to a friend. Hell. The Duncan $6 meal deal. Heaven. Roommates. Hell. Husbands. Hell. If they're not mine.

SPEAKER_04

The Knicks. I don't give a fuck. Hell. Andy! Nixon! Nixon 4! What does that mean? You guys are making shit up. We want to be in communities so bad. Literally reach out to a friend, people.

SPEAKER_03

The Knicks are solving the male loneliness that goes. Jesus Christ. Nixon 6 rhymes better.

SPEAKER_04

I know. Make that happen.

SPEAKER_03

Music festivals. Hell. And that's ever that's your lightning round. How did how did I do it? I'm really scared for you about the Knicks thing. I don't care. I had a show the other night during one of the games and was like, good, we're all safe and not around Knicks fans. And they were like, boo. They were still. I I know I'm not gonna yuck your yum. Have fun. Do whatever you need to do, team.

SPEAKER_04

Well, just distance yourself from me right now on that topic.

SPEAKER_03

Joe is gonna not be your friend. I messaged her after they won because she's the only person I know who posts like go Knicks throughout the season. I was like, congrats, you're my only friend who likes the Knicks. And she's like, that's weird. I'm like, ooh.

SPEAKER_04

It's a very niche, it's like a niche. I guess it's not a niche hobby. I was supposed to say niche. It's a it's the opposite of niche. It's like your thing stream. Mainstream. I'm like, do you want to be a mainstream hobby? I couldn't like you want to learn about League of Legends? No.

SPEAKER_03

Is that mainstream? Yeah. League of Legends?

SPEAKER_04

Huge, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Wow. A medieval sword. Yes. League of Legends. Yeah. Are you a nerd? Yeah. I don't think I knew that. Yeah. Because you're so fun cool and fresh. Andy, it's time for your Scrooge moment. Perfect. If you were sent back to Earth today, what is the one thing you would do differently?

SPEAKER_04

Mmm. I really liked our conversation about uh earlier in like high school and stuff. And I think like I've done so much work to figure out that the small things do not matter. And I would just like tell I would like not care about just the small things, the little pimples, uh your family. My family friends, um, the Nicks just getting uh I just think like not caring about those those small things that and and the aggregate just don't matter. So I would tell myself, girl, it doesn't matter. Have fun.

SPEAKER_03

You would girl, I would say, girl, hello. Yeah, I and yeah. You were being earnest, and I interrupted for a joke, and I feel like I was. Do it. I miss I just now I already did. I misread that moment. Great. No, I think that's but it was more earnest and pure. That was the moment. I'm gonna think about that for a week.

SPEAKER_04

That's I want I want like longer. Because you should have longer. I need to feel bad for longer. Yeah, yeah. Or you said think about it, you say feel bad about it. So I want you to, I want you to I want you to gnaw on that for at least two weeks.

SPEAKER_03

Fair, fair. Before we decide if you go to heaven or not, we need to up our viewership. So I'm gonna show some skin. Great. All right.

SPEAKER_04

I think we're I think we're losing. We're gonna go down. Yeah. Going down.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, wait. Now I feel a little uh now this feels like it got real. I just feel like ah, it's stuck. Uh-oh. Oh my god, it won't go up. I'm so pale. Okay. So pale. Um all right, I'm sending this off to heaven now.

SPEAKER_04

Perfect.

SPEAKER_03

Why are you making weird noises? I thought that's how it should sound. It's it sounds how it sounds. Hell is like very clear. We don't, this is not an improv scene. Hell is like clinical being sent to heaven.

SPEAKER_04

Remember when you used to go to the bank and like send the thing, like the is that happening?

SPEAKER_03

That's where you came up with it. Don't you didn't you love doing that as a kid? Yeah. Now you're trapped at the ATM, like it eats your card. Literally. But back then, oh, thank you. Yeah. Andy Ward, son of father, daughter of son of mother, lover of Dunkin' Donuts, Ridgewood community activist, chicken and rice theft, thief, uh, laughed at something that we cut. You are welcome to heaven.

SPEAKER_04

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_03

We are excited to have you here, and uh, you can lead our mutual aid efforts.

SPEAKER_04

That sounds great. As I mean, I'm a little impartial, heaven, but I'm excited to hang out.

SPEAKER_03

And I love how you said the word how you didn't know if you wanted to be here. And so this might be your hell.

SPEAKER_04

Well, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_03

My honor. Please like, subscribe, comment. Right now, you're about to click away. Don't click away. But not Paul the producer angel. You at home. That's right. If you're listening on Spotify, go give us a little rating. Uh be honest, but five stars. Give us five stars. Um, if you're on Apple Podcasts, I don't know how you rate things there, but we would love a little review, spreads the word. And if you're watching on YouTube, sorry I'm not hotter and more tan, but thank you for liking, share with a friend. We're launching a Patreon soon. A thing I'm saying that I'm going to hold myself to or a Substack. Soon there will be ways to get more for less. You're paying nothing now except your time. I want your money. Jesus and God are open to tithes and indulgences. Tune in more soon for that. I'm Zach Zivran. God bless America. Have your pets spayed and neutered, everybody.