Brittany Carney is her own wifu

Welcome to Heaven, Brittany Carney! Comedian and amateur chef and Japan expert Brittany arrives to make her case to enter the pearly gates! Will she get in??? Sidekick Andy Ward returns!

If you like the podcast, drop us a rating! Or - what the hell - share it with a friend. :)

Tune in every week to hear comedians and cool people defend their choices with eternal consequences. Ex-evangelical Zach Zimmerman -- me! -- hosts. :)

If you're a fan of comedy podcasts, maybe you'll be a fan of this one!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_08 0:00

What percentage evil would you say you are, Brittany Carney?

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Oh, interesting. I'm not a really a quantitatively oriented person, but I feel like I am more evil than some think I am. But I'm still not that evil.

SPEAKER_08 0:17

More evil than some think.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

You know what I mean? Like people are like, oh, she's so nice, or you're so nice. And I'm like, yeah, I think you're just like misunderstanding that I was raised well or something. Like I have I have care about manners. But not intentionally. But I don't think I'm particularly I don't think I'm like I don't think I'm tipping the scale. I just think I'll okay, how about this? 43%.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

Thank you. That's really good.

SPEAKER_07 0:46

Now you have died and gone to heaven, you'll be interviewed by an entry level.

SPEAKER_08 1:15

I'm Zack Zimmerman, an entry level angel, auditing the newly arriving souls to see who is getting in or out to heaven. Today we're joined by the very funny, talented, beautiful, perfect Brittany Carney. Thank you for comedian and star. Brittany, would you like to know how you died? You have a very funny stand-up about being walked in on in the bathroom. Um, and we someone must have heard that because that's how it happened. Someone walked in on you and you literally died of embarrassment from them seeing you do a very human thing. This is ironic because just before we started, I used the restroom in this very small studio and apologized for the floral bouquet I left in there.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

So this is interesting actually because yeah, there is a bouquet.

SPEAKER_08 2:05

But I'm not trying to like I was inshamed at the smells I made.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Oh. Well, how's how are you doing? How's your gut?

SPEAKER_08 2:13

I ate uh I was I was like at an event and I ate not well yesterday. I ate like something that doesn't agree with it agreed with me, it was just new.

SPEAKER_07 2:21

He's doing 200 grams of protein.

SPEAKER_08 2:23

Oh, I'm joined by my sidekick. I'm joined by sidekick Angel Andy Ward here today. Andy, thanks for staying. Yeah, of course. Heaven is backed up, and Andy recently got in, but he can't go in yet. And so customs is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

But you're not backed up. I'm things are flowing through your system.

SPEAKER_08 2:41

Yeah, that's why I created this. Okay. Okay. Do you belong in heaven or not, Brittany Carney? 30 seconds on the clock starts now.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Me? Wait, I have to after. Oh, I think I belong in Hovin because Hovin.

SPEAKER_07 2:57

Hoven.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

That was like me trying to say coven, but like I like, or like that was like Freudian. I belong in a witch's den for eternity. I believe I think it's like I'm uh uh a good listener, and I think about um three seconds. I think about thinking about the environment.

SPEAKER_07 3:20

We're using the silence technique right now.

SPEAKER_01 3:24

Right now.

SPEAKER_08 3:25

So just to summarize, you listen good listener likes the environment.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

I don't know if I like it. I'm just kind of in it, so I it comes to mind.

SPEAKER_08 3:34

Let's see if we will give you another chance, 15 seconds. Oh, okay. Ready, set, go.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Wow, this is like an opportunity I never quite asked for. I mean, not just this. Okay, so I believe I belong in heaven because it's like, hey, I have good loving liberal parents. And uh time's up.

SPEAKER_08 3:55

Not you, but they were good loving liberal parents.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

So it's like, well, where can I go wrong?

SPEAKER_08 4:01

And God's very busy, so he actually prefers like a five-second defense of you guys.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Because he's used to like vertical, like you know how like our vertical media, like our like attention spans are.

SPEAKER_08 4:11

Oh, yeah. God's big on TikTok. He was the original vertical video.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Well, it makes one of us.

SPEAKER_08 4:17

Five seconds. Why do you belong in Heaven Britney Carney?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Oh, because I believe in like um uh thinking about the other side of a situation.

SPEAKER_08 4:28

That was beautiful. I I don't think anyone is worse suited to that sort of time. Than me.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

I felt true.

SPEAKER_08 4:37

Pan that was I felt wrong putting you in that situation.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Kind of left my body.

SPEAKER_08 4:42

I was like, she's gonna need 60 seconds to ramp up. Why am I demanding her now give me the gold?

SPEAKER_01 4:49

I took my SATs and GREs with extended time and one comprehensive exam that I had in graduate school, failed it, had to take a research like like thing, I had to do like a thing in lieu of the test. So I think it's like, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 5:04

How much extra time did you get on SATs?

SPEAKER_01 5:07

Probably time and a half.

SPEAKER_08 5:09

Wow. And it's from you have ADHD.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

Oh yeah, yeah. And that's GREs. I took it three times, but I did it.

SPEAKER_08 5:14

GRE is together. Before you get into grad school for most programs, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

And so then do you have a graduate degree?

SPEAKER_08 5:21

Oh, right, in museum studies.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

In public history, which is the same kind of public history.

SPEAKER_08 5:25

Totally. These are good things, these are good deeds. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 5:29

You're building a strong case.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 5:31

Our little child of liberal parents. Yeah. Public studies.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Preserve uh I don't preserve, evaluate, engage.

SPEAKER_08 5:45

P E G.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

P E G Peg. Peg? Yeah, I'll peg. Hey, I'll peg a legacy. I'll peg a his I'll peg a guy. I'll peg a legacy.

SPEAKER_07 5:53

What'd you study? Peg a uh poly. I need to ramp up. Polysi. Polysi? Arizona State has that. Yeah, they I thought you majored in vodka. Well, that too.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

It's interesting that that's like the lore around Arizona State that it's a party school. But I've heard that before.

SPEAKER_07 6:12

No, no. I love I love I was going to University of South Carolina. Oh. They had international business, like that's their number one program and the the states. And I was like, I left to go to ASU because I just hated the culture there.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

You're not from Arizona. I am from Arizona though. I'm from Amazon, yeah, yeah. You're not from Arizona.

SPEAKER_08 6:28

You left a better school to go to a worse one? I sure did.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

I I have a friend. I went to college in Hawaii. So um a friend kind of interestingly, like a lot of people from there end up going to Arizona. Yeah, just like stuff on the west. Anyway, a friend of mine did like a summer semester at ASU. So I remember him talking about a semester abroad.

SPEAKER_08 6:50

A semester abroad. Yeah, actually.

SPEAKER_01 6:53

Yeah. It is across an ocean, right? And then into the deep desert. Yeah. Question mark. And then so then I remember him describing the experience of like actually, this is probably hellish. Like like a crossing out of a parking lot into like a university building and it was just so excruciatingly hot. Oh, I see. Because of the asphalt.

SPEAKER_07 7:15

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that.

SPEAKER_08 7:17

No, it's hell. That's what hell is like. Yeah. And I hope you don't go there, Brittany. But today we'll find it out.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Wow. Thank you for the option. I think for the prospect.

SPEAKER_08 7:30

Opportunity?

SPEAKER_01 7:31

Yeah, open-ended opportunity.

SPEAKER_08 7:32

Open-ended opportunity. What percentage evil would you say you are, Brittany Carney?

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Oh, interesting. I'm not really a quantitatively oriented person, but I feel like I am more evil than some think I am. But I'm still not that evil.

SPEAKER_08 7:51

More evil than some think.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

You know what I mean? Like people are like, oh, she's so nice, or you're so nice. And I'm like, yeah, I think you're just like misunderstanding that I was raised well or something. Like I have I have care about managers. But not intentionally. I but I don't think I'm particularly I don't think I'm like I don't think I'm tipping the scale. I just think I'll okay, how about this? 43%.

SPEAKER_08 8:18

Thank you. That's really good. We're just gonna edit everything else out. Just you revealed more than just 43% though, which to be fair is a very high number.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

I know.

SPEAKER_08 8:32

I as soon as I said that, I was like we've had guests say everyone is 25%, at least just by being alive in the US today.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

And interestingly, you know, I was just about, you know, I was like, as soon as I said 43, I was like, hmm, honestly, I'm probably 27. I had that thought, and then you said the thing about everyone thinks they're 25.

SPEAKER_08 8:54

I thought I was someone once said 50, and I was like, I need to check your bag for bombs. Like that's a level of eve.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

Maybe 43 is too high, actually. Well, you went with it. Now I can't back down.

SPEAKER_08 9:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

After all, you have a really official clipboard.

SPEAKER_08 9:13

Yeah. God, this is how things work here. Very tax forward.

SPEAKER_07 9:17

Heavens got kind of like also Kinko's. Can you? Skipping the vibe. I will be purgatory.

SPEAKER_08 9:24

Every week I print these at Kinko's. Today I had to print some extra stuff, and I didn't authorize my card enough, and I had to relog into a different one. Very involved. That's tough. Very involved.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

That I struggle with. So Kinkos versus like uh what? FedEx versus Aren't they the same? One owns the other.

SPEAKER_08 9:43

I feel like FedEx Kinko's merged at some point.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

You're so right about that.

SPEAKER_08 9:47

And that's I think mostly our focus here today is on mergers and acquisitions of conglomerates. Yes. Um if you were to merge with a business, what is Britney Carney merging with or acquiring?

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_08 10:05

And I do know the answer. I don't know if I know the answer.

SPEAKER_04 10:08

Wait, you do?

SPEAKER_08 10:09

I feel like it's uh one of those like cute stores that has notebooks and anthropology? No, yeah, but the That's funny. Muni. Is that the name of it?

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Oh, Mooji. Muji. That's exactly you're onto something there. I would merge with that so happily. It's a fantastic store. It smells like wood and citrus, and there's tiny, tiny cooking supplies for my little mouse.

SPEAKER_08 10:37

Such a little chef.

SPEAKER_04 10:38

Oh, I love every other week. You're posting something online where you're like, oh, it just whipped up this 10-course gourmet dinner. It's kind of like this is what I read your captions in, by the way. This was our listeners can know this says exactly what you sound. Is that the mouse?

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Is that the mouse talking? Yeah, that's how I sound supposed to. Right, right. So yeah, actually, I was talking, I was laughing with a friend recently that I feel like I'm quite like um I'm kind of like a trad wife. Like I'm waifu, or you know what I mean? But just for me, like there's no You're your own trad wife. I'm my own trad wife, kind of. That was a Broadway play.

SPEAKER_08 11:14

I am my own trad wife.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

I that was or could be or will could be.

SPEAKER_08 11:18

There was one called I Am My Own Wife. But I added that.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Oh, that would be well what was that about?

SPEAKER_08 11:24

I believe it was a trans woman story. Oh, cool.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Like fictional, but well, I can't claim that yet.

SPEAKER_08 11:30

What was the other word you used? Wom womoji? You use another word. Waifu, waifu. What's waifu?

SPEAKER_01 11:37

So waifu is like Do you have the waifu post word?

SPEAKER_08 11:43

I haven't heard waifu, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

Waifu is like just um, okay, it's kind of like think of like an anime nerd, right?

SPEAKER_08 11:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

And then they're like into Japan, you know? Yeah. So then it's like, oh, maybe like they're thinking about like a character in an anime, let's call her Sakura or something. So then she's like, this guy's like a like a homebody person that's on their, you know, like screen a lot, watching anime, playing video games, is like, yeah, that character is my waifu.

SPEAKER_08 12:16

My waifu.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

It's just wife in Japanese accent.

SPEAKER_08 12:19

Gotcha, gotcha. But I could Which I'm allowed to do.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_08 12:22

Waifu.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

I think you're like, what's the word?

SPEAKER_08 12:25

Japanese adjacent.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Omnipotent, but sure.

SPEAKER_08 12:29

Omnipotent. I think that was I'm not God is. I have limits to my knowledge.

SPEAKER_01 12:33

What are you? A l a liaison?

SPEAKER_08 12:36

I'm an entry low. You think I'm God? I'm flattered on stage on my time.

SPEAKER_01 12:43

It's like, yeah, I would like if we're this was like a Quaker or you know what I'm saying? Quakers are like the chain of command.

SPEAKER_08 12:51

Quakers go to hell.

unknown 12:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Are you Quaker?

SPEAKER_08 12:54

We can end this early. They're the worst ones. There was no one.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

I went to Quaker, my dad. I went to Quaker meeting inconsistently when I was in high school.

SPEAKER_08 13:04

That checks out. Pennsylvania. I could have told you that. Yeah, yeah, because you probably had a chia seed by age three.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

I have that. I'm of that, I'm of that uh parentage. A chia seed by age three.

SPEAKER_08 13:18

I just learned where they were last year. Oh yeah, it's beautiful. What happens to a chia seed? Uh it gets kind of big and globuly.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

It gets big, big and actually now there's this lore online that's like I was gonna say literature, lore that's like about chia seed. Yeah, there's a JSON peer-reviewed article about how I think actually it's like the opposite of this, which is that okay, have you heard of this? Chia seeds, plop them into some applesauce. Some applesauce. Yeah. I've never thought about I haven't thought of applesauce in 70 years. You know, you know. Oh, yeah. That's her babies. So if you put chia seeds in applesauce, apparently it's like really high fiber, like moves things along. Oh, you don't have to worry about that. No, not today. Pipes are cleared. Not today.

SPEAKER_08 14:08

Every bit of food I've had in the past year is no longer in my body, it's in that drain. Applesauce.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Actually, I was kind of I found like an intimacy with you in there.

SPEAKER_08 14:19

By smelling my fucking shit.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

Your miasma? Did you know it was me?

SPEAKER_08 14:24

Yeah, I mean because you like playfully like, give it a minute.

SPEAKER_07 14:29

I think that's even worse.

SPEAKER_08 14:30

Oh, really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

It's funny. No, no, it's let me get let me think about this.

SPEAKER_08 14:37

Paul the producer anger laughed at that. We we get it. He's like, I smell the same thing, man.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Oh, I thought that was God.

SPEAKER_08 14:43

Okay, so that's Paul the producer anger. You thought I was God. You see God every person. I see God.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

That's the Pakerism is that there's light activated in every person. No. And to access God, you be you you proceed as a good neighbor and friend. No, it's one Christian God, right?

SPEAKER_08 14:59

The evangelical fundamentalist one.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

And so then the way to get to that is so you you get on your knees.

SPEAKER_08 15:06

To who? As I cross my legs.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

The uh the Pope.

SPEAKER_08 15:12

I read something somewhere that I'm gonna get it wrong, but like we're all looking, we're all trying to be like servants to something. We're all looking for a master.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

That's interesting, actually.

SPEAKER_08 15:22

Like people don't actually want to be in charge of their own lives and they're just looking for like someone else to tell them what to do all the time.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Do you know about like deism? Have you heard about this?

SPEAKER_08 15:31

Yes. Okay. That's where like the world was created and set off like a watch. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

So the vibe is that this was I want to say either in the heart or the cusp of the scientific revolution, where philosoph philosoph um deep thinkers were uh like thinking like they were starting to question dogmatic religion and thinking about what is our like lived and empirical reality. So then the one way they made sense of the world and how things have played out is like God set a clock, and then that idea was like God's actually more distant from our lives than we thought like two centuries ago when there was feudalism. But now that the capitalism is rising, it's like actually God set a clock and then just kind of set things in motion. So then we can kind of like live our human lives and find purpose. So I think that even with that idea, it's like, yeah, it's still kind of like we don't have to claim accountability here. We're just sort of like the only thing that like we're all like well, God set this clock, so even like our moral actions are set in kind of like in his like I always thought it was about not intervening anymore. That's I feel like oh interesting. I think that they're I think it's about set it off.

SPEAKER_08 16:56

I see. I right I love you talking about deism while titty fucking a water bottle.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Oh, what's kind of interesting is that I didn't even process that in a sensory way. But I was like, hmm, and then it feels uh it felt good.

SPEAKER_07 17:11

Oh, because it is hot out today. Hot. Yeah. I feel like that just like polyamory people are gonna take what you said and run with it. That would like the the whatever I said.

SPEAKER_08 17:19

Yeah, it's kind of like I can't wait, I don't have to be accountable for my actions. Bye bye. Yep. Thanks for tuning in, Gina.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

Oh, damn. Name names. Name names.

SPEAKER_08 17:31

Um have you fucking yeah, sorry, that was maybe a little graphic.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

It's okay, I don't care. I've done it. Or I've administered it.

SPEAKER_08 17:39

What's the last good thing you did for someone else, Brittany?

SPEAKER_01 17:44

Um well I hosted a friend.

SPEAKER_08 17:50

In your home?

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Yeah. How about that?

SPEAKER_08 17:51

How many days?

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Four.

SPEAKER_08 17:54

And it was really nice. What sort of setup do you have?

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 17:57

So guest bedroom. Private bath. Nor yeah, uh, nor, but here's no in a Australian action. Is that a trend now? Everyone's doing that. Bring it back. Gay guys are doing that now.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

They're doing that?

SPEAKER_08 18:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

It's kind of the opposite of gentrification. I feel like, okay, you know how gentrification is like the gays show up in a neighborhood and then it's like hipsters or are you woman splaining gentrification to me? Yeah, and I actually have never felt more powerful. What's it like? Um, here's my setup. Okay, here's my setup. And actually, this comes after a string of experiences that are relevant. So my setup is that I have a one bedroom, a living room where I recently got a new old couch. You know what I'm saying? I newly acquired a used couch that is large enough to accommodate one or two human adult bodies.

SPEAKER_08 18:48

Two humans on the room.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

It's kind of actually too big for my living room.

SPEAKER_08 18:52

So it doesn't pull out, it's just on its own.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

But it is modular. Cuddling, modular, or yeah, and sleeping.

SPEAKER_08 18:59

Is it L-shaped? It's it could be. Are they sleeping foot to head, head to foot?

SPEAKER_01 19:04

I'm like, it's kind of a spiral. Um, it's uh a big rectangle, and you can move these sturdy pillows sort of around basically you can pull the pegs.

SPEAKER_08 19:14

And they wouldn't touch one another, the sleepers.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

They can if they wish.

SPEAKER_08 19:18

And have have two people slept on it.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

My sister and brother-in-law. When I actually think that they could have just slept in my bed, but that experience.

SPEAKER_08 19:26

I do do that when I've had in the rare times when I've had a home that I can host, I give the couple my bed. Which I think I should have done.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Next time, next time.

SPEAKER_08 19:32

No, I'm glad you didn't. This is what you get for visiting me.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Yeah, yeah. So just now I had a good friend stay on my couch for four nights. Before that, I was in LA for a week.

SPEAKER_04 19:45

And that's at a friend.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Kind of no. Like, no one cared. I mean, like, I mean people cared. Yeah, people cared. You had a show. Yeah, I no, I did a lot of comments.

SPEAKER_07 19:59

Did you see your show? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess. That bit where someone walks in on you in the bathroom. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Yeah, I saw I opened and closed with that and kind of did it sometimes.

SPEAKER_07 20:08

I was like, did she just do that again? I laughed at both of them.

SPEAKER_08 20:11

Wait, that would be such a flex to close with your opener and see if anyone remembered on. They would probably love it again.

SPEAKER_07 20:19

And what if they called it a callback?

SPEAKER_08 20:21

We talked about this recently, opening with your closer to force you to develop new material or see what it feels like.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

And I got that from one Louisa K, who's definitely in heaven.

SPEAKER_08 20:34

He's still alive, so he we can't let him in yet. Oh. But once he dies, that man's first Pearly Pearls.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

Pearly Gates.

SPEAKER_08 20:42

He's gonna he has a way with the ladies up here.

SPEAKER_07 20:46

Does he still have to go through this rigum roll? Or are you calling a roll? Are you calling are you calling my future award-winning podcast Rigum Roll?

SPEAKER_08 20:56

Does he have to go through the process like Rigger, or does he just spell Welcome to the Scripts National Spelling Beast. Spell Rig Rigum roll. Well, definitely there's an R in there. That's how you're gonna spell it? Like a wheel of fortune, okay? Rigum roll. There's probably an M.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Probably an M there. So do you think these clouds, it's like the idea of these puffly sort of heavenly clouds, it's kind of like God's pubes. How dare you? I'm just gonna hey, isn't the whole idea that we're taking in his body, isn't that like what the cracker and the wine are about?

SPEAKER_08 21:27

That on earth.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Oh, but not up here.

SPEAKER_08 21:31

Yeah, God is everywhere and always. God, do they teach you anything in Quaker school?

SPEAKER_01 21:35

Apple falls not far from the tree.

SPEAKER_08 21:37

Oh my god. That okay, Benjamin Franklin.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Was that Franklin?

SPEAKER_08 21:42

Okay, poor Richard. That's giving poor Richard.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

I was like gonna say, isn't Isaac Newton, but that's that's just like a whole he did have an apple. No, it's just like another, it's like another it's like another part of the apple conversation.

SPEAKER_08 21:53

That is the part of time you're locked in, actually. Now, like that that beginning of the Renaissance.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

I feel like Yeah, I'm kinda like you mean like generally or this talk about Diozome.

SPEAKER_08 22:04

Regul Yeah, yeah, you're you're actually you're right. You're I'm you're not 2026. And you've never been 2026. Uh you are you are 1689 and maybe 18 the heart of that like 65?

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll take it. The year Lincoln died. Is that when he died? Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 22:28

That was the and the end of the Civil War. Is that why he died? Oh, that'd be fun. Maybe from the wife's perspective.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

I think the Civil War in some ways is why he died.

SPEAKER_08 22:38

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Fomenting. Fomenting.

SPEAKER_08 22:41

Which came first? The 1865 version. Which came first? 1865 or 1865?

SPEAKER_01 22:48

What came first? The assassination or the civil?

SPEAKER_08 22:50

The end of the Civil War, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Oh fuck. Maybe his death. I'm trying to think about because then we're like, hey, no, that can't be quite true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he had already signed what became the 13th Amendment. No?

SPEAKER_08 23:12

Yes. Maybe. Between the two of us, three of us. Thank you, Zeke. Yeah. Hey, when did you get here?

SPEAKER_07 23:21

I'm like, these dates sound great. Yeah, they've got to be. Oh, yeah. But I I think I think he he he probably died and then it ended.

SPEAKER_08 23:29

There's unfortunately no way we could ever know. No.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

Yeah, I can't read. So is this wrong of me? This pen is from my collaboration store. It looks like it's from it. Actually, I think it might be actually from a G. Hang on. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 23:45

Lincoln died. Can we do this? Four hours. Like 12 letters. Was the fewest number letters the Google search can be? Lincoln. Lincoln died. You gotta take out some vowels. War first? Oh yeah. I know I'm the not.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Abe L.

SPEAKER_08 24:05

President Abraham Lincoln did not die before the Civil War ended. He was assassinated April 14th. Assassinated six days after Robert E. Lee surrendered.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Okay, okay, okay. Whoa. What a crazy time for America.

SPEAKER_08 24:24

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

I know he got to enjoy his win for six days. That's why he went to see a play.

SPEAKER_08 24:30

Wait, so if you're saying if you're saying this the Civil War didn't end, Lincoln might still be alive. Butterfly theories.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Silence for two minutes.

SPEAKER_08 24:42

I'm just waiting.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

If the Civil War didn't end, Lincoln would still be alive.

SPEAKER_07 24:45

Yeah, he wouldn't have been a civil.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Yeah, I kind of feel that way. Today.

SPEAKER_07 24:48

Would he still be alive today? Because it's like you're here in our bodies.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

No, he's not. According to the Quaker Faith.

SPEAKER_05 24:57

Brittany.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

The Quaker Faith is based on Abraham Lincoln lives in all of us. Quaker Lincoln's inside of us.

SPEAKER_08 25:02

You're like making up facts about heaven, like this is fun improv. I am an angel in heaven, and there are actual things that are true here.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Right, right.

SPEAKER_08 25:13

Hey, this isn't like an all play. This is there are facts.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

I respect that truth.

SPEAKER_08 25:20

Do you?

SPEAKER_01 25:22

Yeah, but but I gotta say there's multiple.

SPEAKER_08 25:25

That's gotta be your truth, my your truth is also true. That there is no God and anyone can speak at meeting.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

There is God, but he exists in each of us who can stand and speak at meeting.

SPEAKER_08 25:39

Did you ever speak at a meeting?

SPEAKER_01 25:40

No, I'm far too shy for that. Yeah, I'm not sure. I won't talk like in a public.

SPEAKER_08 25:48

I want to go to a uh stand-up comedy show that is a Quaker meeting where anyone can speak, and that's called an open mic. All right.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

You're right.

SPEAKER_08 25:57

You're right. I feel like I ate with that, but I didn't really wait.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

You didn't mean that. I didn't eat with that. I think what issue the issue is that we were really like thinking about it really hard. We were like, yeah. And like, say that.

SPEAKER_08 26:10

Yeah, say that. What was that? Say that.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

Say that.

SPEAKER_08 26:13

Can I come for a new piece of slang that I've been hearing that I really hate? Yeah, and then I want to do one. Well, you texted it to me recently. Okay, great. But you did it in a way that I liked. Okay, great. Because it was actually nice. Okay, great. Well, yes. Ah. Well, yes, exclamation of point. Have you heard this?

SPEAKER_01 26:30

This feels like this is from the matter.

SPEAKER_08 26:33

It's from something. Yeah. But everyone in the six months is like, well, well, yes. Wait. You can say something online, you're like, blah, blah, blah, hot take, and people will be like, well, yes. It's from Tokyo Tony. Okay.

SPEAKER_07 26:45

Excuse me? Tokyo Tony. I'm pretty sure.

SPEAKER_08 26:48

Careful. You'll get fact-checked by Britney. Don't touch Japanese culture.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

Yeah. Not only am I a pedant cunt, I am.

SPEAKER_08 26:56

Our friendship almost ended because of Ube.

unknown 26:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_08 27:00

Watch out for Britney. Wow. Yeah. She was like, I'm going to Japan Fest. And I was like, enjoy the Ube section because I went to it's a Filipino root. That's a good call-up. She's like, there's a different purple vegetable. It's not that purple vegetable.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

We're really talking about DMs for like five minutes. Via text messages, but what I didn't say was, well, I guess because I was negating you, I wasn't affirming you. So tell me about well, yes. It's like you're affirming someone.

SPEAKER_08 27:28

But also like it's kind of like a it feels like duh. I actually haven't heard that. People are using it like you'll now you'll notice it. You'll be walking down the street. Well, yes. I've actually never heard it said, I've only heard it written.

SPEAKER_01 27:37

So there's a few things like this. It's like Gen Z coded or something.

SPEAKER_08 27:39

Well, yes. I just used it in a sentence.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Interesting. I haven't seen this, but I bet I will see it now. Yeah. What's that phenomenon?

SPEAKER_08 27:46

New slang is there's a word for that. New sling is so annoying because the first time you hear it, you're like, oh, my friend's so fun and said something interesting. And then you're like, oh, that's just the new slang. Yeah. Blank is crazy. I clocked a year ago.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Yeah, and is wild.

SPEAKER_08 28:03

Is wild. Both. Yeah. Same.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

They're they're in conversation.

SPEAKER_08 28:06

You you say something. Ube. Ube is crazy. Well, I think it has to be a little bit. Ube.

SPEAKER_01 28:12

Oh, Ube's having a moment.

SPEAKER_08 28:15

Oof. Ube's having a moment is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 28:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_08 28:20

That's how it's being.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

That's how it is. Right. It's like, oh, here, here, here. Ube is superseding matcha as a trending Asian ingredient.

SPEAKER_05 28:30

Uber is superseding matcha as a trending Asian ingredient.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Uber is crazy.

SPEAKER_08 28:36

Soup is wild.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Yeah, it's wild. Yeah. I feel like Oh, crazy work.

SPEAKER_08 28:41

Crazy work. Oh. You say that a lot, right? I use crazy work. Crazy work is good.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

Yeah, I can tell that you're kind of plugged into that because of your hat or something.

SPEAKER_08 28:49

What's hard work? No, that's crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 28:53

Right, crazy work.

SPEAKER_08 28:54

Is that a yeah, a red trucker hat? Quite a call. Wait, what does that say? Make America great again.

SPEAKER_01 29:01

Yeah, oh yeah. Well, God bless. Okay, so um finally, that's a real Christian. Okay.

SPEAKER_08 29:09

My mare is Muslim. My bagel is Jewish. My Christian Dior. Nixon.

SPEAKER_01 29:15

Nixon or that's like a like a sign on the lawn. You know, in this house.

SPEAKER_08 29:21

In this house, Nixon 4.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Oh my god, I thought you were talking about Richard Nixon. I really didn't get it. Wow. But this has kind of been.

SPEAKER_08 29:30

You are in the past.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

Yeah, I've really struggled. I have to say, I've struggled with I am not a final four. Wait, wait, wait. Let me backtrack to something. Here is a slang that I have an issue with.

SPEAKER_08 29:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

And it's a bit racialized.

SPEAKER_08 29:45

So the culture. I'll have a great take. And appropriately. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

It's when someone goes, no, because blank. And it's like, just drop that. Drop the no. You know what I'm saying? Uh it's like, you know when he's going down on you and you scream, and then and then someone's like, No, because yeah, that's crazy work. No.

SPEAKER_08 30:13

No, because, yeah, that's crazy work. Ube.

unknown 30:16

Ube.

SPEAKER_08 30:18

So it's just empty words.

SPEAKER_07 30:19

No, because it's empty to me.

SPEAKER_01 30:21

It's like, no, okay. Let me. What's a good? You know what I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_07 30:23

Yeah. I thought it was like a California thing. Cause they could be a Copa. Because like whenever you're like, do you want to come over? They're like, no, yeah. Or it's like, uh, no, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:29

No, yeah. That is a thing.

SPEAKER_07 30:32

Oh, yeah. There might be. No, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 30:33

It's so negative.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

It's negative, and I think it's a filler. Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_08 30:38

It's like, why no? Why now that makes sense? It's a protective. It feels like it's protected.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

It's like, it's like Adam Driver is actually kind of hot. No, because why did I like have a crush with him?

SPEAKER_08 30:52

Oh, I'm feeling better now. It's giving sort of um the words don't matter. It's just the vibe.

SPEAKER_05 30:57

I think I've unfortunately because that's so right. It's like Yeah, but like why it's like when you look at a baby and you're like, you're so ugly and dumb. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 31:06

But you say it sweetly.

SPEAKER_05 31:07

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_08 31:08

It's like I don't remember what you said, how they made you feel.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

It's paradoxical. It's giving, unfortunately, I think I've succumbed to. It's giving.

SPEAKER_09 31:16

No.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

I'll say, I'll just, I was like, I'm duel for this. And then I'll just say no. I'll say it's giving. I'll say something coded. No. That's also kind of Gen Z that I've just got.

SPEAKER_08 31:27

Something coded. You know, like. Oh, coded.

SPEAKER_01 31:30

Oh, your outfit is um so blue jean girl coated.

SPEAKER_08 31:35

Coded.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 31:36

Vibe-coded. Brittany, um, we need to document some of the bad deeds that you've done in your time on Earth. Oh man. Some confessions. You know what I'm talking about. You know what needs to be confessed. What you having a little fun there, Robert E. Lee? Who who should who's who's that? Who's he?

SPEAKER_01 31:55

Yeah, this is Robert E. Lee. Or one Samuel Clemens.

SPEAKER_08 32:00

Wait, who was Samuel Clemens? That sounds familiar.

SPEAKER_01 32:03

Mark Twizzle.

SPEAKER_08 32:04

Mark Twizzle.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

Mark the Twain shall never Meet.

SPEAKER_08 32:08

I'm realizing uh Meat Cute. How could I create the ultimate ADHD ADHD free chamber? Like a place that would not distract you. Either it has that's Or should I have given you a fidget spinner?

SPEAKER_01 32:28

Like here's your little box of tools. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 32:30

Um you can play with.

SPEAKER_01 32:31

I think an ADHD friendly room would either have to have like nothing or everything. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_08 32:36

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

Have you okay? You can ask me about my bad deeds.

SPEAKER_08 32:41

Oh yes. Um so what is the what are some I already have them here documented, but any bad deeds you would like to confess?

SPEAKER_01 32:47

I've shoplifted a lobster tail from a business I won't name.

SPEAKER_08 32:53

From like the like a frozen one? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:56

No, I had a little system.

SPEAKER_08 32:58

A system?

SPEAKER_01 32:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 32:59

This is pre first degree lobster theft.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

Larson.

SPEAKER_08 33:05

Do you want to disclose the system?

SPEAKER_01 33:06

Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_08 33:08

Are there gonna be copycats at the city?

SPEAKER_01 33:10

They can copy me. People can copy me.

SPEAKER_08 33:12

They have been for years.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

I just want to be able to go into that store again. But no one knows.

SPEAKER_08 33:17

You don't have to name the store.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 33:20

So you I'm guessing you get it weighed.

SPEAKER_01 33:22

You get it weighed, and then it's like, oh, this is just in my tote bag. It was a lobster one lobster tail, but because I live alone and I have a living room where my people can stay on it. And it was actually like I'm honestly proud of it, and I felt like I deserved it.

SPEAKER_08 33:39

Because you had been a good girl that week or just living in America or I'm 67% good and not evil.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

That's why.

SPEAKER_08 33:51

Everyone deserves a free lobster tail. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:54

100 minus 43 is 67.

SPEAKER_08 33:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

Pretty good.

SPEAKER_08 33:58

You Andy recently stole chicken and rice from a bar. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 34:03

That's which is more evil. No, my mine because it was like someone bought it for themselves. Like, like, oh, here's my treat after the bar. Wait, what? Wait, from a bar, like not from the bar. It's not from the bar. So he like brought it into the venue to like eat, I guess, either there or like later. And I just I was like, I'm hungry too.

SPEAKER_01 34:21

Yeah. If you're hungry, you gotta eat something.

SPEAKER_08 34:25

It's the Jean Valjean clause. You're allowed to steal food. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 34:28

I like that actually.

SPEAKER_08 34:30

And I'm reminded now when I had roommates, I would steal their peanut butter all the damn time. Whether it was crunchy or something. All the time. Oh, all the time.

SPEAKER_01 34:37

Do you have a preference?

SPEAKER_08 34:38

The trick, I prefer crunchy, and I think smooth, you're you're a broken person if you bring a little joy to your life. No sense. The trick is you can't be the only person stealing it because then you very quickly get caught. Because you can uh build a little sculpture of like, oh, that could have been one scoop. Yeah. You can uh massage the so it looks full still, or it looks you're scraping one percent, two percent.

SPEAKER_01 35:04

That's the thing about peanut butter. If you just kind of swoop it around.

SPEAKER_08 35:08

Swoop it around.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

I swoop my peanut butter back and forth.

SPEAKER_04 35:11

I swoop my peanut butter back and forth.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

That's like you know what's that? Jiffy moms choose jiff. Yep. Juicy moms.

SPEAKER_08 35:19

Jiffy moms.

SPEAKER_07 35:20

Jiffy moms choose choose. Juicy moms choose what?

SPEAKER_08 35:24

Juicy moms choose choose.

SPEAKER_07 35:27

Juicy.

SPEAKER_08 35:28

Jiffy moms choose choose.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

Juicy moms. Juicy. It's J E W S.

SPEAKER_08 35:38

Okay, so um, so you've stolen this lobster tail.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

I think I've been like, I I'm kind of come come I'm sort of in and out of like a general I'm like in my can I curse on here?

SPEAKER_08 35:53

In heaven or on the podcast?

SPEAKER_01 35:56

Some liminal space between which word? Podcast. Oh.

SPEAKER_08 36:01

What's the word? Whisper it. Uh charade it.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

I I think I'm in like my I'm in my fluff boy. I'm in my fluff boy. Fluffboy era?

SPEAKER_08 36:11

And fuckboys steal?

SPEAKER_01 36:13

Huh?

SPEAKER_08 36:14

A fuckboy.

SPEAKER_07 36:15

I think she's gone into a different story.

SPEAKER_08 36:16

Oh, are we pivoting to your dating life? Or did I get- did I get that wrong? That's a bad deed, let's be honest.

SPEAKER_01 36:24

Wait, what? I'm actually.

SPEAKER_08 36:26

You said you're in your fuckboy era.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 36:29

Oh, I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_08 36:30

Related to stealing? Yeah, relating to stealing. Or being a fuckboy?

SPEAKER_01 36:33

No. But like, no, not expedite. What are you apologizing for?

SPEAKER_07 36:37

Oh, cause because I think you were going to tell a story about you being a fuckboy.

SPEAKER_01 36:41

Oh, I'm not going to tell a story about it, but I'm just going to allude to it. Okay. For now.

SPEAKER_08 36:46

And what was the thought before I'm in my fuckboy era? Was it related to lobster and stealing? Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

In fact, it's not, because the whole thing about me stealing lobster was me being a waifu to myself. I made it for myself. I like marinated and you're a trad wife to yourself.

SPEAKER_07 37:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

I like made a little bit. I'm a trad wife to myself. I really am. Like I really have little And a fuckboy? Yeah, I know. You can put me in a box.

SPEAKER_08 37:10

Um you're a fuckboy and a trad wife.

SPEAKER_01 37:13

That's kind of what I'm all about right now. But like trad wife to myself.

SPEAKER_02 37:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:18

Like I love making cute foods for myself. I have a lot of little routines in my home.

SPEAKER_08 37:24

Like I think you're solo poly.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

So alone.

SPEAKER_08 37:31

A term I learned last year. Oh, data. Or like you're your number one. You're kind of dating yourself. You're your own wife. Yeah. Your own trad wife. And then you have these small day and long-term dalliances with other people that you'll never fully commit to because you're your number one.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

Yeah, and I'm kind of like I'm just a girl.

SPEAKER_08 37:54

You're just a girl. I'm just a girl. Can I shout you out a sexually graphic phrase you taught me that I've used?

SPEAKER_01 38:01

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_08 38:02

And you probably know what it is.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

Yes, but you can you can do the honors.

SPEAKER_08 38:07

You shared with me once that a man said this phrase to you, and it's it was so beautiful and rich and vivid that I've used it with other people.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

I'm happy to hear that.

SPEAKER_08 38:16

Your Andy, any guesses?

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Um you can guess like verb.

SPEAKER_07 38:21

Verb. I'm gonna give you back shots. Is that was that it? Yeah, what a beautiful poetic phrase.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

I'll tell you a back shot. In that tone, I'm gonna give you a back shot.

SPEAKER_08 38:35

I'm gonna give you a jack sword. Guys, I haven't seen back shots yet. No spoilers. No spoilers. I still don't want to see it. No. Wait, now I'm don't know which phrase you think. Because the verb is I think the verb just is.

SPEAKER_01 38:50

No, I just was like complicating things for a while. Got it, got it. No. It's important. Is it is like the primary thing you kind of learn when you're learning a language, I think.

SPEAKER_08 38:58

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:59

Etra. Etra, right, exactly.

SPEAKER_08 39:01

Uh, your face is my throne. Oh, gorgeous. I know. Your face is my throne. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 39:07

It kind of is, and honestly, I'm getting a lot of that sort of thing right now.

SPEAKER_08 39:11

Yeah. Just men bowing down to the queen. Yeah. To the queen waifu.

SPEAKER_01 39:19

Oh, hey.

SPEAKER_08 39:21

You are a queen bee. Oh, wow. Yes, with all these little worker bees tending to your every need.

SPEAKER_01 39:26

Yes. Shit my honey out.

SPEAKER_08 39:31

You like to think your honey don't stink. But lean a little bit closer. Careful. If I sing, I we get flagged on YouTube because I sing it perfectly, exactly like the audio. Yes, yes. I really have a perfect pitch. And um also all the underscoring, all the other music.

SPEAKER_01 39:49

I can of course you would have a perfect. Of course you would have a perfect pitch as an angel.

SPEAKER_08 39:55

Yeah. That's the first thing you get here. My mom on earth used to say she can't sing on earth, but she's gonna lead the choir in heaven.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

She's gonna be Filipino in heaven.

SPEAKER_08 40:06

Do Filipino people lead the choir?

SPEAKER_01 40:08

That's kind of the thing. They're really big singers. The big karaoke folks. Even though it's actually inverse. Even though it started in Japan.

SPEAKER_08 40:18

If you want to. What's so funny is you turn yeah, you turn into a white man about Japan. About Japan.

SPEAKER_01 40:26

You're like, actually, this is the Wait, that's so funny. Because and also it's Yeah, and I think um I think that also like that I don't feel I'm sort of unapologetic about that. Because like I do think that the experts on Japan are white men in America.

SPEAKER_09 40:48

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

Like like the like the like the world, like the largest community of Japanese speakers are guys in um guys in Portland, like Portland, San Diego, yeah. You know, go to conventions.

SPEAKER_08 41:02

Oof.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

Okay, so it's like this. So karaoke. Let me write this. Whereas the motherland says, karaoke.

SPEAKER_08 41:09

No, really?

SPEAKER_01 41:10

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_08 41:11

We've been saying it wrong.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

Yeah, but that's okay. We say a lot of things wrong. Say it one more time. Karaoke, which is empty orchestra. Kara is empty and then like orchestra.

SPEAKER_08 41:24

Oh wow, empty orchestra. That's very, very rich visual.

SPEAKER_01 41:28

Yeah, right. So then it's interesting that the Filipinos have co-opted that as their big thing. But then now at Japanese festivals in the West, Ube is at Ube, a Filipino plant. Oh, gotcha. That's being featured. So it's kind of like diplomacy.

SPEAKER_08 41:48

Like we're we're gonna give you this delicious sweet uh treat, and you are gonna let us drunkenly yell along to Beyonce songs.

SPEAKER_01 41:58

Yeah. Beyonce, any number of we should have more things like that.

SPEAKER_08 42:03

I'd like to trade something from the US.

SPEAKER_01 42:06

What should we give away?

SPEAKER_08 42:07

I'm well, you have to make it seem like you're losing it. Oh, I I really want we want to keep our our what do we have? Pete Pizza. No, don't take domino comedians. Yeah, we don't have enough. We'll give stand-up comedy away to receive Well, the obvious would be healthcare.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

Yeah. But I don't think it's that sexy.

SPEAKER_07 42:32

That's actually a powerful trade.

SPEAKER_08 42:35

If we gave up the art form of stand-up comedy for another country's healthcare, it would anger like three stand-up comedians who are really loving what they do.

SPEAKER_01 42:45

And I do think that it would cause a civil war, though.

SPEAKER_08 42:48

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 42:49

But maybe not.

SPEAKER_08 42:52

Yeah, because here healthcare is not a human right, but yelling into a microphone is. It is.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

But then it's all getting complicated right now, right?

SPEAKER_08 42:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 42:59

I was thinking that libraries as of like right now would be if they didn't happen back then, like that would it would be like a socialist concept. Like libraries could not be able to exist right now. Because they'd be like, what do you mean you're why is it free? You just want free books? Yeah. Right. Oh man.

SPEAKER_01 43:14

Like that's kind of how far we've gone in one direction.

SPEAKER_08 43:18

Great band. I heard on a podcast someone recently was interviewing a One Direction member and was like, I went, you played a bar mitzvah, I went to, or a bot mitzvah. And I was like, okay, you're showing how connected you are.

SPEAKER_01 43:31

Wait, sorry. You played a bot mitzvah barva? No.

SPEAKER_08 43:34

One direction played one bot mitzvah and the podcast hosts had gone to it as well. Like rich kids stuff. Yes. And I'm like, you're showing your hand a little too much how much money you got. Stop kids.

SPEAKER_01 43:44

Showing hands, showing their ass.

SPEAKER_08 43:46

Less hands. Keep that covered. Let's cover it up.

SPEAKER_01 43:48

Cut your hands off. Cover your hands.

SPEAKER_08 43:50

You literally have a pair of assless chaps that you wear on stage. And you look great in it, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 43:56

Well, I got a DM that was like a mystery DM. I Have a set tape out where I'm wearing these jeans where the butt cheeks are cut out? I know. Oh. Wow.

SPEAKER_08 44:06

Do you? Oh. But I uh could be kind of funny.

SPEAKER_06 44:10

I don't know anything about the thing.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

You like refuse my opening joke. You're like, yeah, you just joke about the bathroom.

SPEAKER_07 44:15

Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_01 44:15

Um so I got a DM that was like some, it was like in my, you know, if you have a like it was like someone in my like request one.

SPEAKER_08 44:25

So then it was like request folder is either spam, yeah, horny people, or million dollar opportunities that you missed because you didn't reply fast enough.

SPEAKER_01 44:33

That kind of that's so true. It's like a good show opportunity in your life.

SPEAKER_08 44:37

You have to bear, you have to check it all the time.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

And usually it's like soul sucking, but then there are gems in there. So it's kind of like you can't win generally. But I some I got this message that was like wear regular jeans. And I was so confused. Or maybe it was the sentence was wear regular pants. Either way, I was like so confused. Like I didn't know what he was talking about.

SPEAKER_08 45:07

Because it didn't go to the ass immediately. Not in my brain. Wear regular pants. It's almost like a it's almost like a co-on. It's almost like some beautiful thing to meditate on. Wear normal pants.

SPEAKER_01 45:19

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_08 45:19

I'm like, Wear normal pants.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

Is this like uplifting or is it putting me down? I can't wear normal pants. Right?

SPEAKER_08 45:29

No, but yeah, wear normal pants is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 45:31

So then crazy work.

SPEAKER_08 45:34

Work.

SPEAKER_01 45:34

No, but oh, not work.

SPEAKER_08 45:36

You're adding no crazy work. I see. It wasn't like work. It was crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

Right. No, because why is he?

SPEAKER_08 45:48

Um did you decide to feel did did it hurt your feelings?

SPEAKER_01 45:54

Uh no, actually, only slightly. So it's like the whole thing is that I guess after I realized what he was talking about, which was that so that had come out like um over a month before that message.

SPEAKER_08 46:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:04

Well, then I was Also comment on the clip.

SPEAKER_08 46:07

You're going to the DMs.

SPEAKER_01 46:08

Yeah, but you know, people will comment. Your DMs are in comedy, capital letters.

SPEAKER_08 46:14

People will comment about which of the letters were capital?

SPEAKER_01 46:19

I think that's like up to the eye of the interpreter.

SPEAKER_08 46:22

So it's like capital W, lowercase O, capital M, lowercase e capital N.

SPEAKER_01 46:27

Everything lowercase except for the N and N.

SPEAKER_08 46:30

Women in comedy. That's the the wifey password.

SPEAKER_01 46:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 46:36

Women comedy. Your DMs are uh the are awful. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_01 46:43

They're weird. Okay, well let me get to how I yeah, but I actually think that some people we know like probably get even hornier. I do think that DMs that I get are some I get some like creepy horny ones and or horny ones in different directions, like horny, innocuous, horny, creepy. But I do think that I generally don't present myself as that like I don't think I like present myself online as a very sexual being. So I think I'm like more goofy or something.

SPEAKER_08 47:08

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:09

So some people are like, I'm I'm goofy too. Hot online. Wait, do you know what I'm saying? They find goofy hot or no, I'm saying some women get more crazy DMs.

SPEAKER_08 47:20

Oh, because they're hot doing.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

They're like, I'm hot girl.

SPEAKER_08 47:23

Gotcha. And you're I'm hot, but I'm goofy.

SPEAKER_01 47:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which feels good. But it means that the the comments I get are like less than I think some people get. But you know what I'm saying? It's like less, let me tie up and find you into the seat.

SPEAKER_08 47:38

But like But yours are worse in a different way. They're worse in a different way.

SPEAKER_01 47:42

And people like, if they're they don't know how to read my energy in a clip or something, they're like, you fucking freak. Okay, so so no, no, no, no. All caps. Um, no, not a freak. So all the Fs are lowercase. Okay, so I was then it took me a minute and I was like, oh, he's talking about the assless chaps, the butt jeans. And then for split second, I was like, is my bot ugly in those jeans? But like for split second, because then I was like, step your ass up, Brittany. You know you're worth.

SPEAKER_08 48:18

Step your ass up.

SPEAKER_01 48:19

I was gonna say pussy, but I like that it was ass.

SPEAKER_08 48:21

Yeah, step that ass up and show it.

SPEAKER_01 48:24

Yeah, and I'm like, yeah, he's wrong. Or he's just trying to neg me and it worked. Oh, 100%. But it worked for a second.

SPEAKER_08 48:32

And you guys, the wedding's when?

SPEAKER_01 48:33

Oh, um, we're thinking about uh maybe like Hudson Valley in September. Sweet. And so you okay. I know. I think I'm gonna get married in Hudson Valley. I think you are. Cool.

SPEAKER_08 48:45

To a tall, nerdy comedian.

SPEAKER_01 48:48

Oh, two of those adjectives I'm hoping for. Comedian tall.

SPEAKER_08 48:53

Brittany, we have a character witness. You're there's a lovely funeral happening for you now on earth, and we've tapped into it, and we get to hear what this person says about why you belong here in heaven.

SPEAKER_00 49:07

Brittany will be in heaven because she makes people laugh, and also because she's very courteous.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

All right.

SPEAKER_08 49:18

That's from Maya Opendock.

SPEAKER_01 49:20

Yeah. Um, a dear friend of mine from high school.

SPEAKER_08 49:24

Aww.

SPEAKER_01 49:25

And I asked her because she's very funny. She's funnier. You know, when you have a friend outside of comedy who's like very funny. Yeah. So I'm like, this girl's gonna roast me one. A new and then it was like, it's like that.

SPEAKER_08 49:38

That's the shortest defense of someone we've ever gotten.

SPEAKER_01 49:41

Well, she's busy. She's like a professor of neuroscience. She's a mom.

SPEAKER_08 49:47

Well, she couldn't take time out of her day solving the amygdala. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To defend you getting into heaven. So now we're just going on her word. She did ask me how to do it. Curteous and funny.

SPEAKER_01 49:57

And I was like, you can keep it tight and sweet.

SPEAKER_08 49:59

Oh, maybe it's my fault. Too tight and too sweet.

SPEAKER_01 50:02

But also, it's like hey, let's make love tonight.

SPEAKER_08 50:05

How long you got? Keep it tight and sweet.

SPEAKER_01 50:07

Tight and sweet.

SPEAKER_08 50:08

Ten seconds. Tight and sweet. Sounds like my wedding night.

SPEAKER_06 50:12

Where's the throne? Where's that throne at? Oh.

SPEAKER_08 50:17

Hey, baby, where's the where's where's my throne tonight? Oh, wait. No, it's your my face is your I'm the throne.

SPEAKER_07 50:26

Oh, I know where the throne is.

SPEAKER_08 50:27

I know.

SPEAKER_01 50:28

Wait, it depends. Oh, you're the throne.

SPEAKER_08 50:29

Yeah, I'm the throne.

SPEAKER_01 50:30

Oh, right, because you oh, but you could be, it could be inverse for you.

SPEAKER_08 50:34

Oh. I would never sit on someone else's face.

SPEAKER_01 50:38

What?

SPEAKER_08 50:39

Oh my god. I could never.

SPEAKER_07 50:42

When I've had my ass eaten, I feel like you've had your ass eaten? I feel like I stand.

SPEAKER_05 50:46

I've never had my ass happy.

SPEAKER_07 50:48

You feel like you're like you're like, because you're like on your toilet potato, because you're like standing on the bed and then they're going to. I don't think I know what you mean. Yeah. You're kind of like, exactly. No!

SPEAKER_08 51:01

I don't, it just seems too like. No, you lay. I don't lay, but they lay. They lay. Uh belly down.

unknown 51:08

Belly down.

SPEAKER_08 51:09

They're belly down? Yes. Belly down and then you go in like a little gopher. You guys are standing up. You guys are squatting.

SPEAKER_01 51:18

Sorry, I'm excited.

SPEAKER_07 51:19

Standing on the bed. And you kind of like hold the um the bed frame?

SPEAKER_08 51:24

Or the call? Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 51:26

Bannerboard. You call that you hold the headboard and you're standing on the bed or squatting.

SPEAKER_05 51:32

Somewhere in between. Are your knees? It's the purgatory between standards. It is the purgatory standing in the standing.

SPEAKER_08 51:37

And then they just got them feeling left out. It's just two against one.

SPEAKER_07 51:40

Take a spoon up there.

unknown 51:42

What?

SPEAKER_07 51:43

Who is doing this? This is normal. This is not, I'm not being facetious.

SPEAKER_08 51:47

How do you get into that position? You literally organically. And who's saying like they're like, let me my face is your throne.

SPEAKER_01 51:54

They're like, my face is your throne. My face is your throne. Yeah. And they really scary. That's the key.

SPEAKER_08 52:01

I've I've truly never no one's ever gone, no one's ever eaten my ass. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_01 52:05

That feels surprising to me.

SPEAKER_08 52:07

I've I no one's ever offered, and I'm not forcing it on anyone. Sure. Or being like, I actually don't know. I'm probably self-conscious about my ass more than I can. Yeah, I've never like, I don't know. I feel like I want it to be, you know, hairless and and pristine and porcelain. But that's like like a pink berry.

SPEAKER_01 52:29

Isn't that a soft yogurt product?

SPEAKER_08 52:31

Yeah. I want it to be so like your ass.

SPEAKER_01 52:34

I want my ass to be tart and wet.

SPEAKER_08 52:36

And I don't know what it is. I'm sure I just assume I've been wiping poorly for 37 years.

SPEAKER_01 52:41

Have you ever had your ass waxed?

SPEAKER_08 52:43

No.

SPEAKER_01 52:43

Have you?

SPEAKER_07 52:44

No. Have you?

SPEAKER_01 52:46

Yeah. Not all the time.

SPEAKER_07 52:47

Why don't you have like a new TikTok show short form content where people tell you about your ass for them to be 10 seconds? Yeah, they do. Are we looking at or like with that?

SPEAKER_01 52:59

We get to, it's like there's everyone that's the guest of this gets to like take turns being your the throne.

SPEAKER_07 53:04

Yeah. Oh, my face is your throne.

SPEAKER_01 53:07

Given consent.

SPEAKER_07 53:08

And then it's like McCarran Park, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 53:11

Excuse me?

SPEAKER_07 53:12

So McCarn Park also. In McCarrin Park. I can't.

SPEAKER_01 53:14

Wait, why? Did I miss something?

SPEAKER_07 53:15

That's where all the all the short Oh, that's where all the short content is. Short form content.

SPEAKER_01 53:20

I thought for a second you were gonna say short comedians.

SPEAKER_07 53:22

No! Is that true? I thought it was like a hookup. Oh wow. No, I was thinking like McCarran Park is like doing it in McCarn. That's where they do all the short form content. Because they're like Washington Square Park. Okay, meaning I also got to go to the club. Okay, so I apologize. McCarren Square Glinton. Okay, we'll go to Washington Square Park.

SPEAKER_08 53:35

Andy, there's no short form content happening in McCarran Park.

SPEAKER_01 53:39

Because Washington Square Park, all the Gen Z's are like. I was in there once.

SPEAKER_08 53:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:43

And I was like, why are those two people standing on a ladder and fighting? And it was like a whole debate video. I'm like, is that Charlie Circle? We're at the peak. Rest in Puss. Okay, so we're at the rest and peak.

SPEAKER_08 53:56

What? Brittany, it's time for the.

SPEAKER_01 53:58

What's the name of your ass-eating show?

SPEAKER_08 54:00

I don't want this one. Oh, I love that. I haven't had sex in so long. We just got a couple sponsors for it. Um, dude wipes. Dude wipes. I just saw an ad of theirs. And it's working. Brittany, it's time for your lightning round. You've got to send these things to Heaven or Hell.

SPEAKER_01 54:16

All right, I'll focus.

SPEAKER_08 54:17

Are you ready? Yeah. NPR.

SPEAKER_01 54:20

Soothing. Wait, what?

SPEAKER_07 54:24

I need to focus.

SPEAKER_01 54:27

Oh, I'm sending it in Heaven or Hell.

SPEAKER_08 54:29

You're showing that you're such an avid listener of the podcast, Brittany. What is this? I'm in heaven. You asked me God. You asked me. You were like, I would love to do your podcast.

SPEAKER_01 54:42

You're my friend. Yeah. I should be on this podcast. I've really enjoyed the clips.

SPEAKER_08 54:46

You were just like, oh, Zach's gonna wear an angel outfit?

SPEAKER_07 54:50

Must be independent of the you know he takes the giant shit before every every recording, right? That's what the fans want.

SPEAKER_01 54:58

This podcast is like, it's called. Also, how is that for you?

SPEAKER_08 55:01

It's called It's called my throne is your throne. And I take a huge shit and see if you comment on it.

SPEAKER_01 55:10

And then depending on the quality of the shit or like the what do you call the bouquet, then the podcast gets in heaven or not? No, no. Let me explain. They they either sit on the seat or kind of squat like you're getting your ass eaten.

SPEAKER_08 55:33

So that's the content of the podcast is hey, when you just use the bathroom now, did you sit on the seat or did you kind of squat like you were having your ass eaten?

SPEAKER_01 55:40

Like you were.

SPEAKER_07 55:41

I just like this idea that you were already judged before the podcast. Your judgment was like deciding how you acted with the social media.

SPEAKER_08 55:51

But like, hey, I'm here for the podcast, and someone bumped into you on the street, and if you gave them a dollar.

SPEAKER_01 55:57

Isn't that cathol? That's original sin.

SPEAKER_08 55:59

Yes. NPR, Heaven or Hell.

SPEAKER_01 56:02

Heaven. I'll go there.

SPEAKER_08 56:03

Bobby Moynihan.

SPEAKER_01 56:07

Hell.

SPEAKER_08 56:07

Jeffrey Dahmer.

SPEAKER_01 56:09

Hell.

SPEAKER_08 56:11

Like I don't know why those two came to mind. Margaret Thatcher.

SPEAKER_01 56:17

Alright. Helvin. Helvin?

SPEAKER_08 56:23

The Helvin. The Helvin.

SPEAKER_01 56:25

Or Hogan, but we needed her at the time. Strong fuman strong woman leader.

SPEAKER_08 56:29

Ube.

SPEAKER_01 56:31

Heaven.

SPEAKER_08 56:32

Daffodils.

SPEAKER_01 56:34

Oh, this is a trick question. Because daffodils you associate with like a heavenly landscape, like, oh, look at these little fluffies in but it's kind of like it feels like a ruse. But oh, smell that daffodil. Guess what? That's the devil's ass. And now you're in hell.

SPEAKER_08 56:50

Hell. Hell.

SPEAKER_01 56:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 56:53

Pollen.

SPEAKER_01 56:54

Hell.

SPEAKER_08 56:56

Dogs.

SPEAKER_01 56:58

Listen, I'm gonna go ahead and say this. As a staunch cat person, I'm gonna still say heaven. Cats. Heaven.

SPEAKER_08 57:09

High socks.

SPEAKER_01 57:12

Heaven. High socks?

SPEAKER_08 57:14

Low socks.

SPEAKER_01 57:17

Hell. And I'm wearing low socks right now. That's the 43%.

SPEAKER_08 57:21

Oh. Slutty little outfits.

SPEAKER_01 57:23

Heaven.

SPEAKER_08 57:24

Business casual. Hell. Juneteenth.

SPEAKER_01 57:31

Heaven.

SPEAKER_08 57:32

June 20th.

SPEAKER_01 57:36

Oh. I think I know what that is.

SPEAKER_08 57:40

Is it something?

SPEAKER_01 57:41

Is it a pride festival?

SPEAKER_08 57:42

No. I mean June is all pride. I just picked it. It's just the day. It's just a random day. It doesn't mean anything. She's like June 27th. In New York.

SPEAKER_01 57:52

Oh, it's at the end of the month.

SPEAKER_08 57:53

Yeah. But other cities do it earlier.

SPEAKER_01 57:55

June 20th. June.

SPEAKER_08 58:00

The next.

SPEAKER_01 58:01

See, I'm like neutral on this. And I think that's why I people would put me in hell. Because I'm like, no, I can't say that publicly. Heaven.

SPEAKER_04 58:13

Waza.

SPEAKER_01 58:16

Heaven, actually. Because I think I'm nostalgic for that like 90s stuff.

SPEAKER_08 58:20

Well, yes.

SPEAKER_01 58:22

Hell. And I didn't even know that until this, but I already am like that lexicon is it belongs in the hedal brine the briny depths of the hedel zone.

SPEAKER_08 58:37

And that is the end of the fast-paced lightning round.

SPEAKER_07 58:41

Good job, nice.

SPEAKER_08 58:42

That was stressful. I know I felt bad putting you through that.

SPEAKER_01 58:46

Oh, but it's okay. I've gone through worse.

SPEAKER_08 58:48

And you're about to go through potentially the worst or best ever. I've got to send this off to God now.

SPEAKER_01 58:53

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_08 58:54

What is your scrooge moment before we go? As a longtime listener of the podcast, you know what the scrooge moment is, so I don't need to explain it.

SPEAKER_01 59:01

Right. Like so true. The Scrooge moment, I'm gonna confidently say, is something that you're like bah humbug about. Like it's giving Ebenezer. No, yeah, but Tiny Tim's not gonna get his chicken.

SPEAKER_08 59:22

Go ahead then. So what's my Scrooge moment?

SPEAKER_01 59:25

This is my Scrooge moment.

SPEAKER_07 59:27

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 59:28

When you apologize to someone, even if it's like really like an innocuous thing, like something not like a deep a deep thing, you know what I mean? When you're like, oh sorry, whatever, I know. And they say you're good. It's like yeah, I know I'm good. That's not what I was getting at here.

SPEAKER_08 59:47

Yep. Valid. What a beautiful Scrooge moment.

SPEAKER_01 59:51

Okay. Yeah, I knew what it was about all along.

SPEAKER_08 59:55

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I love it. Used to be about uh what you would do if you were sent back to Earth for one day if you had a chance to change your ways. Oh, that's it. Like Epanese or Scrooge is giving. But I prefer it, I like it's giving humbug.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:08

My stab in the dark. My stab in the you know, which one in the um the Christmas, the Ghost of Christmas, which one's the scary one? Ghost of Christmas yet to come. Yet to come.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:20

Yet to come is like the Grim Reaper.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:22

Yeah, that one.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:23

I'm sending this off to God now.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:25

Okay. Um thanks for your oh, sorry. Wow, that was fast.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:31

This was a really fast decision. Wow, he took some advertising.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:34

God's not that busy. He's good, yeah. Yeah, there's nothing tough going on in the world.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:38

So he's kind of cranking those out right now.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:42

Or uh God, we need more waifus in heaven, but he is a little concerned about your theft of the and bold theft of lobster rolls.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:53

Not the God, I don't like manny's. Don't subject me to lobster rolls.

SPEAKER_08 1:00:59

I'm just talking about the he appreciates your busy friend saying you belong here, and less is more. He's a little scared that you sent the Knicks to purgatory.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:11

No, no, not purgatory. Just to keep living on this plane, playing b-ball, which they love.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:17

Well, you no longer need to live on earth because you are being welcomed to heaven. Wow. And a custom room is being built for you. One room has nothing in it, and then its neighboring room has everything in it. So you can go back and forth and cycle to keep yourself uh both entertained and focused.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:37

And um kind of clear actually clarity. Like uh it's like a cut, like if you have some vanilla ice cream with a crazier flavor.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:47

Yes, like chocolate.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:01:49

Or no one ever understands this, so I'm gonna say it now. In the summertime, my skin becomes like Neapolitan ice cream based on the different shorts that are the different lengths of things. I'm either pale vanilla, burnt strawberry, or tan chocolate. And so my legs different lengths shorts without sunscreen. I'm getting sort of strange patterns of a swirl of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:16

That's yummy.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:17

I see that. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:19

So I feel validated, but I'd like to one day find a way to say that with fewer words and inspire joy, maybe even laughter amongst people when they hear it. Oh, like on stage. That'll come later. On stage. Yeah, you should talk comedy sometime. No, we traded it away. I traded it for health care.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:42

Which we have here in heaven. Well, thanks for tuning in to Judgment Day. Switzerland. Brittany Carney, how can we support you and your hilarious comedy?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:50

Well, when does this come out? Do you know?

SPEAKER_08 1:02:52

June 17th.

unknown 1:02:53

Oh.

SPEAKER_08 1:02:53

It's today.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:54

What a um, okay, so I'd love to invite you to come to Joe's pub on July 11th. I'm doing um like basically an hour and that's huge! Yeah, I'm really excited. Uh, I'm calling it a midsummer night's cream for no real particular reason, but that's just it's just I'm doing stand-up for an hour. Uh 7 p.m. on a Saturday, July 11th at Joe's Pub. I'm really excited. Incredible!

SPEAKER_08 1:03:19

I would love to see your listeners, and then what's your handle?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:22

Oh, yeah. Um, and other touring dates I have at Brittany at Brittany.goblin.carney, and that's B R I T T A N Y.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:31

Thank you. Our little goblin. And thanks for supporting Judgment Day. Comment, like, subscribe, etc. Join the Patreon, which may or may not ever exist. And we'll see you soon. Have your pets, cats, and dogs spade a neuter. Goodbye, everybody.