Ep. 2 Unlearning: The Glow-Up Cheat Code

On this episode of Bloomers & Boomers, Jasmine and Jacqueline unpack the sacred art of unlearning—the beliefs, habits, fears, and expectations we have to release in order to become who we’re meant to be.

From people-pleasing and perfectionism to guilt, rushing, and generational “shoulds,” we explore what different decades teach us about letting go.

With Jasmine’s coaching lens and Mrs. Jacqueline’s seasoned wisdom, this intergenerational conversation blends neuroscience, storytelling, and soul. This one is evergreen—perfect for any season of life.

Why unlearning is a core part of healing and personal growth

The patterns women in their 20s, 40s, 60s, and 70s are shedding

How the brain holds onto old scripts and how to rewrite them

What happens when you stop over-functioning and start choosing peace

A simple practice to begin unlearning gently this week

If you’re ready to release what no longer serves you… press play and bloom with us.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Hey y'all, I'm Jasmine Vadney, a proud daughter, coach, and creative, blooming right here in my own season of growth. And I'm her mother, eldress Jackie Campbell, a woman of faith, wisdom, and a few good stories. Welcome to Bloomers and Boomers. This is a space for black women to gather across generations and have the kind of honest, heart-centered conversations that help us grow, heal, and remember who we are. Because our roots run deep from the lessons we've learned to the laughter that's carried us through. We believe every woman's voice adds to the legacy. That's right. Each episode, we're bridging generations from the bloomers to the boomers, unpacking everything from womanhood and wellness to family, faith, and freedom. It's mother-daughter talk infused with culture, truth telling, and a whole lot of love for our people. You're tuned in to Bloomers and Boomers, where black women grow and glow together. Hey y'all, welcome back to Boomers and Boomers, the intergenerational podcast where we blend wisdom, wit, and a whole lot of real talk. I'm Jasmine, your resident bloomer, your coach, and your favorite overthinker turned soft life seeker. And I'm Jacqueline, the boomer in this duo, also known as Mama Jackie. I'm the one that's gonna give it to you straight, but with love. Yes, letting go of the thing so we can grow. Yes, yes. So, listeners, grab your tea, grab your journal, and just a quiet moment, whether it's at your desk, in your car, or at home, wherever you are, and let's get into it. First of all, I love the topic of unlearning. I feel like it's been a really big part of my growth and personal developments. Um, so many times when we think about changing and unlearning our behaviors or like changing, just in general, we think of what other people like are doing, or we maybe like think, oh, this this friend group, I've outgrown this friend group, I've outgrown this job, or this man is, you know, giving me gray hairs and I need to let this go. But very seldom do we want to look at ourselves and kind of examine, you know, gently and lovingly with ourselves, examine our role in things. Right. What do we do? Right. Yeah, like what are the little things that we're doing, our little quirks and ticks that are kind of getting in our own way.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

You know, I'm all about neuroscience right now in this season of life, and just like thinking about our thoughts and the way that we're processing information. And one of the biggest things that we can do for ourselves is to notice our patterns. Right. Self-reflect. Self-reflection, right? Noticing and picking up on stuff, especially lessons that we get over and over again, or scenarios that we get over and over again. I mean, you've probably seen on social media where there's like this meme, and it's like, oh, what you don't uh defeat, you will repeat. Or, you know, if you don't learn your lesson, you'll get another opportunity to learn the same lesson. So it'll show up again. Show up again. It'll show up again. It'll show up again. Um pattern recognition. And I also want to kind of just, you know, you being the resident boomer in this space, you being the wet the resident uh seasoned in this space. What are there any ways that this has shown up for you? Like some just moments where you were like, Oh, I've grown. And I've there's certain things that you know I was doing, and I found a new way to do it. I found a better way to do it. Yes, yes. And um I would say it also depends on the purpose and direction, right? So sometimes, you know, there's just things that we uh are doing that we don't like that we are doing, or we need to change about ourselves, and we want to change those things, but ultimately some of the things that we are doing are really stopping us from moving forward, or stopping us in terms of fulfilling our purpose of what we're supposed to be doing. And so um I'm I'm big on self-reflection because I can identify when something has hurt me, right? Like I can tell when I'm pained from something. And um and and I want to always go back to where did this come? What is this about? Like, why am I pained about or in this moment? Sometimes you can't identify in the moment, but you gotta sit with yourself and figure out where did this where did I start to feel like this? And because I try not to live in that space, the space of ruminating? This not the space of ruminating, but the space of unease. Right. You don't want to keep that feeling in your body. That's right. Your body goes to score. Right. So that's right. So when I feel it, I'm I stop almost. Like, where is where where did this come from? What what happened? And I will retrace my steps until ah and then so it's not just about reflecting and retracing your steps. You gotta ask yourself, well, what did you do in that moment to cause that or to bring that on or to enhance it or whatever? Because most of the time what I feel is when I'm feeling like that, it's something I did. It's not what somebody else did to me. So you're reflecting on you know, maybe missed opportunities to move and to move better, to behave, to, to operate at a a a level you know you know you're capable of. Missed opportunities, um, but also um repeated behaviors. Okay, right? Um, because because sometimes when I'm going when I'm doing that and I'm going back, I'm like, and you did it again. You said you weren't gonna do that. Child, you were the only one. You were the only one, man. Yes, you said you told yourself you wasn't gonna do it again, and then you did it. And now you try now, you're tripping. Now you're wondering, why am I feeling like this? You did that thing that you said you weren't gonna do. Yeah, and you're kind of like, dang, that was my chance, right? That was my chance to set this right. But you know what? Change it. What you don't defeat, you get another chance. Yep, you get another chance. We'll repeat. How do you think that awareness has helped you over the years? Um one that I well, as I mentioned, I don't like to sit in this ease. And so um that awareness that sort of like I can figure out oh, wait, you're not what's going on with you?

SPEAKER_02 8:03

Right?

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Um, and having these these conversations with myself. But I've grown as an individual, yeah. And so I can tell um just from um you know who I used to be and the things that I used to do. And like, you know, when you get a situation and you like in my yoga days thing, if you'd hit me when I was such and such, you need a you the this and you'd have been in trouble. Right. You'd have been in trouble. You're thinking you don't know how fortunate you are right in the world. You are getting the refined version of me. The refined version, and I'm always in the process of refining. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of that, like, you know, that that moment where you're like, wow, I'm I'm I'm really evolved because I would be handling this totally differently. There's something reassuring about this is gonna sound a little off topic, but there's something reassuring about having that little person in the back pocket. Oh, you know what I'm saying? That little person that you don't have to let out all the time. Sometimes a little person is fighting in that back pocket, like, let me out, let me out. Let me handle them. But you don't always have to let that person out. But you know that it's a it's available to you if you need it, but most of the time you don't need it. No, you don't. And there's also this that there's an understanding that you have with maturity as well. Like when you let um homegirl out the back pocket, there's always some cleanup. Oh, yeah, right? The homegirl's not cleaning that cleaning it up on you, and it sometimes a lot of times costs you something, you know. So I you know, I some what happens is we use homegirl in the wrong situations. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you need to let homegirl out when you're fighting for your life or something like that exactly. That's not most times. That's not pulling that, pulling her out for you wearing her out. She mad. Yeah. And she go back and back to her her. Wearing it out, she huffing and puffing back there. Yeah, you huffing and puffing, and it's like, and you now you gotta go apologize or pay for something you done tore up or you know, clean up on alley. Yeah, yeah. But it's it's it's reassuring to have it, right? Mm-hmm. Because it's what they say it's better to have it and not need it and it's not than to need it and not have it, right? So you know you ain't gonna, you know, there's only so much you're gonna be able to be um moved around or moved off your square, but you still know that you have options, right? Right? Yeah, like there are all these other things that I could do in this situation, except for that. Right. Right? Besides before I get to that, right? And usually one of those other things will work. So one, I've learned to sort of pull on some of those other things. Um and uh and and my I think the biggest thing for me is um I don't like having to apologize all the for the same thing over and over.

SPEAKER_02 10:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

You know, if you should tell me something one time, okay. I got that. Uh it doesn't mean I'm gonna do it 100%, but I I got it. If you have to tell me something the second time, what I say to myself is you ain't gonna never you ain't gonna have to say that a third time. Right. Right. You gonna you ain't gonna be able to utter that out your mouth again, right? Yeah, because I don't like that, right? Right? And that part of that is causing me disease. And it is not what you say, it's the fact that I know that I fell short of what I said I wanted to do. Right? Right. So it's it's you know, it's knowing yourself. Yeah, you gotta really know yourself, know your limitations, know your triggers, but you also need to know how to reel it back in. Yeah, yeah. I want to speak to um one of the things you mentioned a few minutes ago, just around every situation doesn't call for that little that little right, that homegirl in the back pocket. Right. And knowing when to shut your mouth, knowing when to shut your mouth. You don't gotta be right about everything, right, right. You're not fighting for your life with everything. Right. And um, you know, as I'm digging into this, the science of how our brains work, you know, it's a prehistoric part of our brains that we're able to recognize when we were in a life or death situation. And it's a hypervigilance that has not necessarily been turned off. So in in today's modern world, you know, very seldom do we come into dangerous spaces whereby that person is needed. But the brain still has a capacity to function in that way, and a lot of times we're moving in that way without really knowing that we're overdoing it. You know what I mean? Like it's gonna be really challenging to turn that off, right? And I do think that sometimes it's a holdover. So from our ancient brains used to do that, right? But when we were children, we found ourselves in situations where we were triggered and we didn't have control over those emotions, and so the the the it wasn't the little girl in the back pocket, it was my peer, right? Right, right. That was me coming out, yeah. And so um, so we've we've as we've matured and grown older, we know she's not needed, right? Right, right. Um, and sometimes, you know, I remember when I was younger, um, like I would practice the grimace in the mirror. Really? Yeah, I would practice the grimace because I wanted to be able to turn that on. You know you got it right with that one look across the room. Jackie could give you a look, and it's like you cruising for a cruising, right? But I'm not talking about the mama. The mama look, I'm gonna talk about the mama look because all the mamas had that look, right? They all had that look, yes. But I'm talking about the um, oh, I have to square up now. Uh-huh. Okay. And so I'm I I don't want my lip to be trembling or none of that stuff, right? Yeah, you don't want them to read, read any fear. Don't read no fear, right? So I would be practicing that. And and you know, I can say, you know, as you mature, you stop practicing that. You realize that's not necessary, right? You don't you don't need that, right? And you step into who you authentically are. And so some what you're who you authentically are, it's that becomes your countenance, right? You don't have to change it for something else, right? But you have you do have to, you know, walk with authenticity, yeah, right? And walk with integrity. But it doesn't require the grimace, it doesn't require the pained expression, right? Right to be who you are. It shouldn't, anyway. Because even in that, you you begin to call in something that you're not really trying to call in. That's not that's not you, yeah. It's not you. Yeah. When I think about the grimace, I and it's I when I'm mad, I'm certified mad. Right. Like it ain't no play play. Right. Right. Yeah. Learning to calm my temperament was one of the biggest things. And I was born honest. I've I've got it honest. I don't know, you know, where it came from. I've been like that since I was a little girl, but it's one of those things where I had to talk about we should tell some little more stories on here. We're gonna have a chance. We're gonna have a chance, and you know, ostrich also say, I make no apologies for former versions of Jasmine. Absolutely not. You should leave her down. I love her down. The little jazz number two, high school jazz, college jazz. But yes, it's it's like um, you know, sometimes you put the face on because, and not even just in that situation, sometimes, sometimes somebody is, you know, you have someone at work who's trying to undermine, you know, a project that you're trying to do in it or trying to undermine you in a meeting, something that's can seem small. And you know, you have to emotionally regulate in that moment. Right, you do. And, you know, so it's like learning when to turn the faces on and you know, right, kind of being responsive. And I feel like that's a whole nother topic. That is a whole that is that is a whole nother thing. That's a whole nother topic. Yeah, but I do think that um uh so self-regulation, right? Self-reflection and self-regulation, those are really important, right? Because sometimes you might be hit with a uh something is is revealed to you, right? And it's a shock to you, or you didn't expect it, right? But you, you know, the situation that you're in really requires that you show some um you know, level-headedness, right? Some, you know, you don't have to register right that, oh, this is a shock, right? And this is that goes with like everything that you think and feel doesn't have to be uttered.

SPEAKER_02 16:53

Right?

SPEAKER_01 16:53

It's like when you all were little, remember Auntie Carol used to always say, Oh, airtime. I don't if you you remember what she used to say, Airtime. I remember a lot of Auntie Carol clips and right sayings, but I don't remember airtime. Airtime was when sometimes you all would come up and start babbling something. Like it was it didn't have anything to do with what was going on, or it was like you were tell talking uh about grown folks' business. Like you decided to pull up a chair and start talking about grown folks' business, and she would say airtime, because it almost seemed like you guys just needed air in your mouth to be talking to be satisfied, be satisfied, like oh, right, and start talking. But it was, you know, it this is what happens when you're a child, right? And you have to learn over time when is it right for me to say something and when is it not right for me to say something. And a lot of times when I felt that moment of dis ease, it's because I said something that I didn't need to say. Okay, so you spoke at a moment where you would have liked to have more control over your mouth, basically.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

And sometimes it's not um like I'm not speaking in anger, but I'm saying stuff that is not um, you know, it doesn't it's not uh didn't align with the conversation or it was nobody's business. You know what I mean? And then you and then I go back and I might walk away from that situation and you know, walk away changed in some small way. But when I think about it, when I ruminate on it, right, I'm like, what there was no reason for you to say that. Right? There was no it didn't add to the conversation, it didn't make somebody feel better, right? And and uh that's what I have learned over time. Watching your patterns and watching my patterns and watching my mouth because the greatest injury that we can perform oftentimes comes right out of our mouths, yeah, right? And we're we're really gonna be held accountable for every word that we utter. Yeah. So why waste it? Shoot in real time. That that stuff comes back quick. Absolutely, you know, absolutely, like words, what you speak is like cash, it's currency, it has its own energy. That's a quotable yes, words you speak, cash and currency. Cash and currency. Um, one of the things that I love, you know, just looking at the idea of pattern recognition. Sometimes it takes a long you have to actually be willing to be brave enough and go out and live life and get collect these experiences for you to even be able to pick up on the patterns, right? Right. So you don't do that in isolation, right? You do that in community, you do that by trying to things in relationships, um and over time. So just reflecting on, you know, your 20s are different from your 30s, your, you know, the teens are different from 20s, you know, you just each decade to me has come with its own aha. Right. You know, and I think in my 30s, I was that I was really mindful of the fact that I was turning 30, number one.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

I said, dang, the 20s is gone.

unknown 20:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Can I go back? Let me just redo the last three years. You know, holding on, holding on. I'll tell you something. Uh-huh. I never thought I wanted to redo something. Oh, see, that's a good life. That's a good life. Because I stay wanting to redo. Oh no, I never thought I was like, nope, okay, this is done. I'm ready for the next, right? So I, and that was that was one of the things that was very different between me and Atty Carroll. Because every decade, oh my God, she went into like this super depression. Really? Yes. It was hyper, it was sort of like, oh, and you know what happens is a lot of times we pay so much attention to what other people have achieved. Oh, yeah. So we think by this time I should have done this. By this time, I should have had that. And for me, like I could have done that very thing by this time. I could have had you know what I said? In my 20s, in my 20s, I had a husband and I had two children. Right. This is what I'm working with. That's what you're working with. This is what I'm working with. So I'm pouring this into that, right? Right. And then when the 30s came, ooh, now they're gonna be getting older, and we're gonna, you know, we're gonna do this together. I had visions for the next decade to come and I had a plan. So I always celebrated the decades. Oh, I'm turning 20. Oh, I'm turning 30. Oh boy, take when I turn 40. Whoo! Yeah, 50, yeah, and 60. Oh my goodness. I can't wait. You haven't been pull on 60. Wait, I can't wait to 70. That's a beautiful, that's a beautiful outlook. I think you know, the world is a lot different, like us. my generation coming into these decades and stuff, it's a lot different because there's a lot of opportunities to be looking back on. If you're on social media, you know, you're looking at artists all day, you're looking at young people, and there's a even people your your um contemporaries, folks are doing things and you're like the the comparison becomes more easy to do because you're constantly looking at other people's lives where they only, you know, folks are putting their best foot forward on social thing, but they ain't gonna show the fact you know like so this is where I and this is because you don't know the other side. You don't know the other side. But I I'm so I was remembering the other day we were having this conversation about child support. Yeah uh right oh yeah right so and and I was trying to go back and remember I think you were about maybe 10 or 11 and and I don't know who had said this to you but you got it in your head that a friend of yours or other children were able to take child support money and go shopping. And you wanted to know where was your child support how because so and so she gets child support and she took her child she went to the mall and bought this so where is my child support all kinds of children off this because then you can get some child support your face is like oh right to not have my daddy right in order to get some a pair of jeans and some sneakers. Listen yeah to stay in the in the in the newest right right but then what you understand that you you start having this understanding that right this her life is not my like my life right right and so what I see you know there's things that I see and those things look good but there's some other things that I have that are good that that's not over there. Right. So every life is different but what happens for your generation is everything is visible. Everything is visible and all and you're constantly through the algorithm algorithms being marketed to about you could this could be better for you. Yeah right don't say something on a phone call and then all of a sudden you start getting all these ads on your phone about that very thing you talked about. Yeah so the pressure is a a a different I would not want to be in my teens or my 20s at this point. Because I would know which way's up I I feel really bad for the younger people and I mean like I think my generation and this is a little off topic um but since since we're here my generation we had the both the experience of no phones. We had the experience of you have the house phone and then you got outside. Right you know you that's it you and then at a certain point came like Super Mario Brothers Sega Genesis you know where you put down your doll baby then you're on the you're on the screen all day playing the game but for the most part like you know we didn't grow up with our brains being programmed for fluttering from thing to thing to thing or observing person to person to person. You played outside as a small child. Yeah no we played outside you know so I really feel like that their minds are being hijacked so young that the development is is is really impacted by this but right well and so so to that point part of our development really involves relationships and relationships over time. And that's one of the things that's being hijacked right now. So and we can say you know it it sort of went on steroids after um uh COVID or after the pandemic right but relationships for people of color and in particular for African descended people relationships are our lifeblood are our our key value and so those things are impacted whenever we are encouraged to have a to not focus on those relationships and do something different right and focus on technology is not a bad thing right but if you apply technology in the wrong ways absolutely it is a bad thing. Yeah absolutely yeah you gotta be careful you got to be careful and you gotta step into your life you know you can't you can't exist online in this like kind of online facade online world you have to actually be in your life right you know this so I remember I I saw a video once and I can't remember the the actual name of the video but I would say the word this comes comes to mind for me is frozen face.

SPEAKER_02 26:57

Right.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

And it was a um an experiment that I I think it was a some college up in Boston that was teaching um child development but what they did was they had a mother with her infant and in the in the say the first five minutes the mother was playing with the infant and you know doing all of these facial expressions and just really being very interactive and you could see the baby responding to that. And then then after that five minutes then they told the mother to have a frozen face right just to do this. And what you could see is how that was causing the baby stress. So first the baby is like wondering what's this a new game we're playing like what's going on right and then when she realizes okay I'm not getting anything back the baby starts to do all these different things like we was just doing all of this right to get let's let's let's get this back right mother still like this right and then after that what happens is the baby starts to cry right like I I'm doing all of my best stuff and you ain't responded to me. It just makes me sad that I know it's just an experiment but it's like and it was short term right but it really just goes to show how babies' brains get wired around relationships. Yeah as a child right the baby's brain is super plastic right very responsive and sort of the neurons are connecting and um building that capacity. So when we don't have those experiences or when those we've had those experiences and then they're shut off like what is that doing to our brain like our brains are becoming calcified to a yeah to a certain degree right there's something happening when you're on technology but it's not work I just deleted um two apps on my phone. Uh oh okay clearing space clear well it's clear space but I was in those things all day all day I looked up one day and I had been on my phone for 10 hours. Talk about the unlearning that's a that's a part of it that is a part of it. Yeah 10 I 10 I'm 10 hours with a device yep with a device and you are you spent the majority of your life without this technology. That's right in community you know in community and you know what your body is like how regulated you feel when you don't do that. Exactly and here you are even at your age and your experiences susceptible to this technology. Oh listen it's at first it was um keep your brain sharp right that's a oh that's that's me play these games we ain't gonna play these games come on play we ain't gonna hurt you we ain't gonna hurt you and then I looked I was do I was playing it while I was cooking like how do you spend 10 hours in one day and I mean you were you were attached to that thing carrying it with you wherever you went listening like the plan again see that's what's yeah I deleted that bad boy I'm like this this listen that that won't happen no more but yeah it just I can just imagine it's um it's it's kind of as we talk about this more the process of unlearning the more I realize how expansive right the the the mandate can feel with unlearning and you know you got you know moving through different periods of life you got technology and trying to unlearn that stuff right um you got hypervigilance that we talked about um and I want to tie it all together with a concept that when I first learned of it really helped me out okay and it's called the ladder of inference uh and it's I like to say we don't jump to conclusions we climb there. Okay. And it it's basically a process that our brain moves through very quickly and allows us to make assumptions about things when that's not actually the case. It's really dependent on the information that you choose to fixate on right the information that you select. So it kind of goes a little bit like this you make an observation from the observation you select data that you would like to focus on okay focus on all aspects right but you I mean if you're good you focus you can kind of like merge it all together but most of us select small details and aspects of a scenario and fixate on them. And then we add our own meaning based on past experiences we add meaning and then we make generalizations and then based on those meanings that we've applied and the generalizations that we make we act right and that can become like a repetitive cycle of just refeeding um a way of thinking with information that doesn't necessarily assess and take in all aspects of something or even the truth of what a situation was. Absolutely right I can see that so and I always bring this up because it kind of gives people an escape hatch of like hey you ain't a bad person. Right. This is this is what the research shows this is what we're doing this is what our brains do right right so with this awareness that hey you can have the tendency to jump to conclusions or maybe you might have a negativity bias just in general. Or sometimes if you're if you're a really you know upbeat happy chipper person you might have a positivity bias or you might assume great things you know even if great things aren't happening right but this is this is something that like kind of gets you thinking about hmm like what was what was actually happening in that scenario right and looking at the whole of it which I've found very helpful in my growth journey because I think one of the things that if I had to pinpoint one of the things that I'm working on and developing is and I've developed some somewhat with Buddhism an ability to understand that there's a why there's an influence or a motive or a motivation that most people have when they're doing things. Right. So so give me an example of how a ladder of inference inference would work oh yes okay so one scenario I'll use one from work because I actually like went through a whole exercise of like plotting out scenarios and putting examples into all these different things. So and it's one of the things that I like to do with my coaching clients as well. So observe right you may observe that you went out for a promotion and um well you may observe that you went out for a promotion and it went to someone else right and on a day that you're walking through the office you maybe see this new staff person in your boss's office um enjoying a they laughing a laugh they keep in right they kiki in so you select data oh they laughing and kikian like they laughing and they kikian and they're familiar they're familiar so you may add meaning oh he got the job because they know each other from outside of work right now you've you've added meaning you don't know this right he you don't know this person from a can of paint right you don't know if this is true but you add meaning right maybe you've experienced that before so now you're like yeah and then you generalize oh most people don't get positions based off of their actual credentials or this person didn't get this position based off of their credentials they got the position because they know somebody right right and then your actions might be I am going to prove that I was more qualified than this person so I'm gonna undermine them at any and at any opportunity that I get gotcha. Right? So that's a that's a it's a negativity bias obviously but it's working you through the different aspects of the ladder of inference so the challenge here is to question your generalizations and challenge what you add meaning to what meaning you add to things right especially if the outcome is that it impacts your behaviors in a negative way right or it puts you in a position whereby you might do something that is not going to work out it for the outcome that you want right okay one of the things that we can do when we are noticing ourselves like we're noticing a pattern the one of the biggest things you can do is just recognizing the pattern. Like that's the biggest thing like oh because then you're able to call it out when it's happening right right and then you give yourself an opportunity to have a different thought about it or experience something new with it. And sometimes you can even tip this off by making a decision like you can observe what your normal reaction would be and before you do that you pause you give yourself an opportunity to reflect and maybe choose to do something that's not your norm. Maybe choose to do something different and try that experience out. So a simple practice is pause name question and choose pause name question and choose and pause because you don't want to make the knee jerk reaction you name it you question it and then you choose something different um so I would ask listeners what patterns are you looking to break and what will life look like after you make those changes one of the things that has served me well is in a moment what I have learned to do is to say let me I'm I'm gonna take some time to reflect on that and think about that and maybe I can come back to you later right because I don't have to respond in the moment I don't you know sometimes it's just not necessary um and it doesn't serve me right so one of the things that I um utilize is to say give me a minute yeah give me a minute let me let me get back to you on that yeah I it's funny you say that because I actually had an opportunity to do that with someone that I really care about. I had a uh girlfriend that we had you know kind of been on the outs for a while and when she reached out I was still in my hurt so I needed more time but I knew that I wanted to pause and re respond caringly and lovingly so I wrote back a caring and loving message saying just that right I still need a little bit of time um I'll reach back out I'm glad you're doing well and like that when we when it was time for us to pick back up I didn't you know I didn't make any fumbles way back when you didn't have to extra right so now I'm I'm in my healed space and I can you know tap into because we kind of were like ships passing in the night she was ready to be over her stuff and I kind of wasn't you know so yeah so yeah always helpful to take time oh that was a word thank you for listening to today's episode on unlearning if something in this conversation tugged at your spirit or you were like yes share it with another woman who's blooming or booming in her own season. Yes yes do that and remember letting go is not losing letting go is choosing yourself. If you want more tools for unlearning and becoming meet me on Instagram at inbloom with jasmine or visit inbloomwithjasmine.com and don't forget to follow rate and review the show that's how you can help us grow our little community see you next week keep blooming and keep booming and keep becoming