Episode 3 - When the Dream Changes: Cody’s Story of Service, Loss, and Becoming

Cody grew up believing service was his purpose. From childhood responsibility to the moment he raised his right hand, the Army shaped his identity, his discipline, and his sense of worth. But when injury, politics, and time forced him out of the only world he’d ever known, he had to rebuild himself from the ground up.
In this episode, Cody speaks with raw honesty about losing the dream he built his life around, the depression that followed, the quiet strength of fatherhood, and the long road toward finding peace again.
If you’ve ever felt the weight of transition, identity loss, or the silence that follows service—this conversation is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Fireline, a place where the stories of service are honored with dignity, truth, and the quiet strength they deserve. Here we sit with the people who have lived it: the soldiers, medics, firefighters, police officers, and families who carry the weight of service in ways most never see. These are their stories, their memories, their lived experiences. This is Fireline. So, what feels most important for you to share about your story right now?

SPEAKER_02 0:40

To let veterans know that there are people, even if they don't think so, that there are people who will listen. Whether it be other vets or even just other like counselors and whatnot.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Okay. So now we're gonna talk about a little about your identity, your childhood, and your early dreams. So when you think back to your childhood, what parts of your identity felt the strongest?

SPEAKER_02 1:42

It's where I started to feel more like becoming a protector and whatnot. And a good portion of that stems from dad, because I can remember that you called dad, or dad called us. I can't remember how that played out, but I remember being on the phone with him. I can remember to this day after what better part of 25 years almost now of his exact words to me were your grandpa's gone. I'm not around very often. You need to step up and become the man of the house, take care of your mom and younger brother, which did guide me for the most part, but it also hurt. Didn't realize it hurt until much later on, but it did.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Yeah. What did the dream look like growing up for you?

SPEAKER_02 3:03

I mean, for the most part, it started just having grown up listening to you and dad and Uncle Morse talk about your experiences in the military and whatnot, and realizing that that sounded like fun. And then I watched Top Gun, and that's that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to fly planes off of the ships. You went to the wrong service to do that, right? Unfortunately, it turns out me being colorblind wrecked that for me. So I sat down and I kind of thought about what it is I wanted to gain out of the service. What I wanted to do. And when it boiled down to it, I wanted something that would challenge me both physically and mentally. I realized I was not going to be smart enough to get in the Air Force. You and Dad never would have signed my paperworks for the Marine Corps, and I wasn't dumb enough. And I didn't want to spend months out at sea without finding a way to get off the boat at some point. So I chose the army, and ultimately I think I made the right decision for myself.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

So speak let's go back to your colorblind. That limited a lot of what you could do, and even in the army, the MOSs you could do. How did you ultimately choose human resources? Or was it chosen for you?

SPEAKER_02 5:00

Funny enough, actually, when I went to the map station to sign my paperwork, I had basically two choices. Either to be a PAD, a 68, what we call it 68 Golf, a patient administration specialist, also known as PAD, or to be a chaplain's assistant. Somewhere in between the counselor telling me about chaplain's assistant and the patient administration, I guess I ended up falling asleep while standing up with my eyes open. And so he said, Alright, what do you want? And I went that one. Well, it happened to be the pad. So I did my schooling down in at Fort Sam. The summer of 2010. I couldn't quite grasp some of it and was failing a lot of my tests, especially the color portions of it. So they gave me an option. Either I could be booted out of the military, or they could look for something. I said, let's look for something. I don't want to get out based on something like this. I was like, if we can, I know right now it's up to the military as to what I do, but if there's a way, I would like to do chaplain's assistant. They came back and said, sorry, we're not able to get you that. But here's human resources. It's along the same lines as what you've already done for your PAT training. Just, oh, you're dealing more with the corrective actions and awards and whatnot versus medical files. So they I signed for that, and they flew me down to South Carolina at Fort Jackson, and I started my training there. So ultimately the army chose for me.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Okay. So who first made you feel seen? Like you had something special in you? Besides your mother.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

I would say one of my old NCOs from my time in the reserves. At the time it was he was a staff sergeant, Malcolm Cook. I had just come back from basic training, actually. I hadn't even started my AIT yet. Because I was what so I had to do my basic the summer between my junior and senior year, came back, finished my senior year, and then go off. He took an interest in me and helped guide me and whatnot. And it helped me to be try to become the soldier that not only could I be proud of, but somebody that or the soldier that he also would be proud of.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

So when did you first start feeling that pull towards service, discipline, and purpose?

SPEAKER_02 9:04

When I was a kid, I think I was maybe Aaron's age, so about eight, nine years old at the time. And whatnot. So it that's about the time I started watching Top Gun and started seeing all these different military movies as well as hearing the stories from my family.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Okay. Let's talk about the moment that changed everything. Can you walk me through that moment? You realized your dream, the dream you'd built your life around, was slipping away because of your injury.

SPEAKER_02 9:55

Honestly, I would say my dream started slipping even before my injury. It shattered a lot of my dreams and hopes to want to continue to stay. My injury just helped push it me to go out a little bit faster.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

So what did that loss feel like in your body, in your mind, in your sense of self?

SPEAKER_02 11:18

It was hard at times. I even when I got out of the reserves for the two months or so that I was out, I was my body knew that it was time for my drill dates and whatnot. It and I was just going stir crazy at that time. When I left active duty, though, it was easier to deal with. I miss it. I want to still be that soldier, but at the same time, it's not the same military that I grew up in. And whatnot. I more miss the camaraderie and some of the people that I worked with and met along the way, but to say I'm actually fully miss the service itself is a bit of a stretch.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

So anybody around you, is there anybody around you that understood or understands what you're going through, what you went through?

SPEAKER_02 12:55

None that really come to mind. Most of the people that I even still have contact with, they were only in it to either get out of a situation that they were in, they did it for college and such, so they weren't planning on sticking around. They didn't have the same drive that I did. I would say the closest person that has that would be my buddy Trevor Baker. He had that same drive that I did. He granted his situation was different, and that's not really my story to tell, but that's the Marine story to tell. Yes. And but when he I will say when he after he joined, he got that same type of motivation that I did. He wanted to serve his country, he wanted he wanted to do a lot of things and whatnot. So he'd probably be the closest person that I can ultimately say that if I was to talk to my about my time, he's the one I would talk to the most.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

About it.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

So what part of yourself did you feel you lost in that season having people understand what it is I did on a daily having having the having those people there.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

These were people I worked with three hundred and sixty-five days out of the year. So to lose that sort of sort of connection and they roll into the civilian world working with people who have never been in a position to where they've had to have others rely on them and understand the the talk. It made it hard because it it took me a while, and even now I still find myself using certain words or phrases, and people are just scratching their head, look like looking at me like I'm some sort of insane person.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Okay, so what did the world expect from you during that time? And what do you actually need?

SPEAKER_02 16:13

They expected us to be the protectors, they expected us to to be those silent heroes.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

So, what about after your injury, though? What did they expect? The world of the military. What did they expect? What did you need? I mean, because you didn't get out right after your injury was a couple of years, so what the military still expected me to do everything that was expected of me.

SPEAKER_02 16:45

They they still expected me to be able to go out, pick up a ruck, and march twelve miles through rugged terrain and whatnot else. And my body couldn't handle that anymore. I yeah. My knee especially was very unstable at the time. The slightest little slip. And who knows how my leg would have recovered back then. I had to I had to dig into the regs and push buttons to make them understand that I can't do the things that I do or that I did back then anymore.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

So how did you cope in the months after everything changed?

SPEAKER_02 17:47

There were times of that I felt depressed about it because the military was my entire world for the most part. I I've been I'd been doing it since I was 17 years old. Oh I did it for a better part of prior to actually getting out 12 years. So I would have been 29 at the time. Well, so it it was and the fact that I couldn't do certain things, I couldn't go out to the field, I couldn't go do the ranges and whatnot else anymore. Yeah, and you weren't deployable, and I yeah, and I was non-deployable, and I had been with units that did deploy, and I wanted to deploy again. And it sucked. It made me feel useless.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

What was the hardest parts to talk about or even admit to yourself?

SPEAKER_02 19:04

The fact that I was depressed about it, but the and whatnot. I mean it like I said it destroyed me because I was no longer the soldier that I once was. I mean, I never joined the gain rank or whatnot. Uh if I could have spent 20 years as a as a specialist, I I would have done it. I I was I had a good pay for myself, for my family. But the politics of the of the job kicked in at that time and so they we were expected to do things that some of us never really wanted to do, especially those of us who joined for the service and whatnot. We they wanted me to go to college and get degrees and whatnot. I never wanted that. I never joined to go to college. So for me, I was never the star student, so to speak. I I I fought for the highest failing grades. And I didn't want to. That didn't make any sense to me.

SPEAKER_01 20:39

That doesn't make sense to me either. Not for military. If you go to college to get a degree in the military, you're going to college to become an officer, not stay enlisted. Most people, anyway. So did you feel pressure to be okay before you were ready?

SPEAKER_02 20:59

At times, yeah. They they would sit there and be like, cure, you need to recover faster and be able to do this do PT the wet with the rest of us and whatnot else. But I couldn't do it. I mean, my knee I could barely walk half a mile before I had to turn around and be like, I'm done. I I can't do this. It would take me twenty-thirty minutes just to go a half mile because my knee was was flaring up, but I would op I would push myself to the point where I'd come home and one of the first things I'd be doing was slamming back a I'd be probably Open or whatnot just just to make the pain at least dull.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

So let's talk about fatherhood, responsibility, and becoming a man. How did becoming a father shape your sense of purpose?

SPEAKER_02 22:26

When Aaron was born, it it definitely changed perspective on being a good soldier. I no longer was doing it just to serve my country. I was doing it to try and make sure that my children wouldn't have to go into that. Hopefully. I mean if they do, then they do. Great. Better join the army, but hey.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

We talked about this. They're not allowed, and if they do, they're going navy.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

But ultimately, it it it was part of the reason that I decided to take the medboard instead of trying to push through the injury. That the they could do surgery again because it didn't take properly the first time around. But they told me that I would have a maximum of five more years at most. And then it wasn't gonna be my decision to get out. They were going they would force me out at that point. And I didn't want that. Especially when they told me that at that time and probably even to this day, I only have about 80% usability of my knee. They said if I had to go through the surgery again, it would take twice as long for the recovery and whatnot, and I would lose more than 50% usability of my knee. They said at most I would have 50%, but they expected less than that at and having two young kids, I didn't want to have to be for the for lack of a better word, basically bedridden as they're growing up. Yeah, I wanted to be able to take them and go to the zoo or go to the carnival and watch them play.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

So what parts of fatherhood healed you, and what parts challenged you?

SPEAKER_02 25:30

Well, they are definitely they can definitely be a challenge.

SPEAKER_01 25:34

They're angels in it.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

They're good kids for the most part, but they have their tendencies to push the buttons where they shouldn't be pushing. I never thought growing up that I would be a father and whatnot. But now I couldn't imagine not being a father.

SPEAKER_01 26:17

So what parts of that healed you being a father, becoming one?

SPEAKER_02 26:23

Just the overall experience of it. They're the reason I get up in the morning and do my job. I mean, I love I love the job I do now, but they're the reason behind it. They give me that purpose.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

So what do you hope they understand about who you were then and who you are now?

SPEAKER_02 26:55

My hope is that they understand why I'm as strict as I can be and whatnot. And that I'm not doing it just to be a hard ass, that I'm actually doing it to help guide them and push them to be better human beings than what we've got today. I don't want them to go through life thinking that things are just gonna fall into play for them. And I want them to understand that everything that I do even now is for them. I want them to be able to grow up, have their own family sooner or later, if that's their choice, and hopefully pass those same values down to their children.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

So when you think about the man you've become, what are you most proud of?

SPEAKER_02 28:22

I would say that it would be that I haven't given up. That that I still see some kind of light. Yes, I joke all the time about, especially when I'm on the phone with Arielle and I'm passing over a bridge that crosses a river and whatnot, driving off and getting my truck nice and washed through the river. But ultimately, that I would never actually do that sort of stuff. That it giving up is the worst outcome. That there's always another there's always another way. But trying to think of how to put it. Through both the military and since I got out. And I finally landed on a path that it works. It's tough, but I mean that's life.

SPEAKER_01 30:14

So what did rebuilding your identity look like day to day? You mean from as a small child wanting to do the military. That's all you ever talked about. I think that's why I let you do it. And it didn't bother me. It bothered me because I didn't want you to go in, but it didn't bother me to keep you out because I knew that's what you wanted. So you went from there as a kid to actually joining, to injuring yourself, to having to eventually get out. So what does rebuilding your your identity look like day to day?

SPEAKER_02 31:09

Mostly that the there's a big difference between the military life and the civilian life. It's with the military, there's structure, there's order. And whatnot. You get up in the morning, you know exactly what is expected of you and whatnot. Civilian life, it's a it's a little different. I mean, it's it's a lot of play it by ear type of situations. Because you never know what's gonna happen. Like, each day I wake up, yes, I know where I'm going back to, but I never know where I'm going until later on that day. And I think a lot of I think a lot of service members have that same type of situation for they don't know, yeah, they may go in and do the same job day in, day out, but they never know what's really going to be expected in that time.

SPEAKER_01 32:32

What strengths did you discover in yourself that you didn't know you had?

SPEAKER_02 32:43

I would say my biggest strength that I didn't realize I had growing up as a kid, I was I was the silent type. I was the one that nobody really knew what to expect from and whatnot. And I ended up finding out that I'm not really the silent type. I'm the type that isn't afraid to back down. I I don't go looking for issues, but at the same time, if issues arise, I know that I can handle them head on.

SPEAKER_01 33:42

Okay, what did you learn about resilience that people don't talk about enough?

SPEAKER_02 33:58

I would say the the drive to fight. I mean, most people in this day and age they are they're not willing to stand up anymore for what they what they believe is right. They will just go with what the most popular option is. Whether that be a good option or a bad option, they're just out there swallowing and not really trying to lead the way that they truly believe in.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

So how did you decide what you wanted to be after the dream was gone?

SPEAKER_02 34:59

It took a lot of time. I mean I bounced from what better six different jobs before I finally landed on being a trucker. Alright. I worked fast food, I worked retail, I did welding for a little bit. I I still have a dream to open up my own forge one day, but now instead of that being dream to make money and whatnot and provide for my family, that's more now a hobby. But going into trucking and whatnot, I find peace on the road. A p a peace that most people don't really ever find. No matter how well they like their job or how well the pay is. They're just doing it to put food on the table. Me, I find I find peace on on that on those roads, especially if I can find the back country roads. That that's where I'm at most peace.

SPEAKER_01 36:32

So, what does service mean to you?

SPEAKER_02 36:37

For me, it's standing up for your country. I mean, whether it's here in the States or somewhere else in the world, you I believe that you should take pride in your country. Or whatnot. I mean, I may not agree with my leadership, but at the end of the day, I will still always stand by my country.

SPEAKER_01 37:08

And do you still feel connected to the version of yourself who wanted service or who wanted to serve?

SPEAKER_02 37:16

Parts. I I still believe in the showing the respect to people and whatnot. If I go into these buildings and for a drop-off and I still show them the respect regardless of whether they're higher ranking than me or not in those positions. So I still I still say yes, sir, no but sir, yes, ma'am, no ma'am, to it. Uh but at the end of the day, they're just a a a passing moment.

SPEAKER_01 38:12

So, what parts of that identity stayed with you? Discipline, loyalty, brotherhood, purpose?

SPEAKER_02 38:22

I would say, in a way, all of it. I the I have to show discipline out on those roads and whatnot. I still feel a duty to my country. I don't think they'd ever call me back up, but if for whatever reason they did, yeah, there may be a chance I would just take it. Purpose, I mean, we all have to find that purpose in life. We without a purpose, it was put to me this way when I was a young soldier. You kind of have to find that purpose in life. If not, you stop the day you stop having a purpose, the day you stop learning, is the day that you quit existing on this earth.

SPEAKER_01 39:31

So what legacy do you hope your story leaves for your kids, your family, and the people who hear this?

SPEAKER_02 39:45

Well, for my children and whatnot, I hope they understand of why I've done everything that I've done. Whether they agree with it or not, I can't really see. I mean, that's something that they'll have to come to terms with over the as they grow up over the years. Or whatnot. I the people hearing it. I hope it gives them some sort of motivation of things, especially if they're at the last of their will. I hope that it shows them that you can keep driving on, even if they're you don't think so. And I hope that they reach out, whether it's to me, to counselor, to to buddy, whatever, that they reach out, but they find that that help and they find they continue to find that purpose in life. All right. Regardless of what generation we all grew up in in the military, no matter how long we served, whether it was five years or 35 years, we're all brothers in art, brothers and sisters in arms, no matter what.

SPEAKER_01 41:15

So I want what I want to know. When I can.

SPEAKER_02 41:22

No.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

What I want to know, when Rick enlisted you and you raised your hand and he enlisted you and gave you the oath, how'd you feel?

SPEAKER_02 41:34

That was probably the most emotional and yet proud proudest moment I could ever think of. I don't think that there could ever be a time in my life. Even if my memory starts to slip, I think that's gonna be a memory in my life that will stay with me forever.

SPEAKER_01 42:12

So, what's something you wish people understood about losing a dream?

SPEAKER_02 42:25

That just because the dream was ended doesn't mean that there isn't a continuation, another another type of dream that can come from that. Yeah, you you had the dream and whatnot. But that following night, you're gonna go back to sleep and you're gonna have another dream. And the same thing happens with life.

SPEAKER_01 43:04

So, what's something you've never said out loud about that season?

SPEAKER_02 43:10

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 43:11

Some kind of feeling you might have had, how you felt at that time, something you've never told anybody. Not Ariel, not me, not a counselor, a friend, a buddy, no one. Something you keep inside. You what's something that you have never said out loud that you that you've kept inside just for you? About that time when you got hurt, when you realized it was over, because of the injury, because of the military, because of whatever. The anger, the sadness, the happen, whatever that feeling might have been.

SPEAKER_02 43:53

I would say the loss. I felt like that once I got out, that these were people I was never gonna have contact with again. That they were just gonna continue on with their lives and I was just gonna become a flicker of light that died out quickly. I luckily I've been lucky and a lot of the people that I had contact with in the military, I still have contact with today. But that feeling, even to this day, it's still kind of there. It there are times where I feel like if we didn't keep the connection, that it would sooner or later die out. Luckily I've been out for almost five years this year. And I've got guys that out, they're out themselves, they've got family, they've got a life to live, but we still call each other up and just to make sure that we're we're good.

SPEAKER_01 45:36

So what did you forgive yourself for, or what are you still trying to forgive yourself for?

SPEAKER_02 45:50

Then I could have done more. But even though I feel like I did a lot in the military, did enough for the military, there are still things that I wanted to at least make the attempt on. That I never got the chance to do. I some of that was actually not some of it, majority of that was due to the fact that I'm colorblind and I couldn't do it. But so it was something that was out of my hands, but it still stinks so that I couldn't do it. I wanted to go and join do air salt and do airborne and whatnot else, type of deal. But those are jobs that unfortunately you need to have the ability to see color and whatnot.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

So was there a moment when you realized hey, I'm gonna be okay?

SPEAKER_02 47:14

Yeah, for the most part. There there was I can't remember the exact period, but I did I do remember feeling a sense of relief to know that I didn't have to be that soldier anymore. Right there there are times where that feeling kind of creeps back in every so often, but then I look back at everything I've done throughout my career and whatnot and realize that I did everything that I could. I did majority of what I set out to do. Whether the military likes it or not, at this point, is irrelevant to me.

SPEAKER_01 48:10

So who or what helped you find your footing again?

SPEAKER_02 48:16

Ultimately, my family. Right? My family has been the biggest supporters. Ariel's always told me that no matter what path I lead down, she's gonna be there to she's gonna make sure that I c have a home to come back to every time. Right, it it helps to know that.

SPEAKER_01 48:51

And what surprised you about your own strength?

SPEAKER_02 49:03

That I actually had it. That I could continue having the continue doing the the values, the the overcome, adapt, and adjust just as the way the military taught me to be the and whatnot. Like yeah, growing up and whatnot, I never really saw strength in myself, but going through everything that I've done and whatnot, I realized that I had the strength to overcome and adapt.

SPEAKER_01 49:54

So you were always told growing up, you can be anything you want to be, or do anything you want to be. Did you believe that growing up?

SPEAKER_02 50:11

At times, yes, and then there were times where I thought I was gonna be stuck in the same rut that I was always in.

SPEAKER_01 50:22

When did you ultimately believe when did you ultimately ultimately believe those words?

SPEAKER_02 50:34

Pretty much when I went actus it was I never thought that I never thought I would have the ability or even the what's the word?

SPEAKER_00 50:57

Opportunity?

SPEAKER_02 50:58

Yeah, opportunity to go active. I mean I the first half of my army career in the reserves and did everything I could to try and go active. I would find units that would be willing to take me, and but my unit wasn't willing to release me, or they would sit there and be like, oh, well, we're not taking prior service anymore, or this, that, and the other, and it started to make me think I was gonna be stuck. And then finally, when I got out of the reserves and what have you, Ariel finally told me that I needed to go back. I I think part of that was because I was driving her insane. But I walked into the recruiting office and was like, hey, I I want to go back. Here's all my documents. And they made and that recruiting office made it happen.

SPEAKER_01 52:18

So if you could speak to the younger version of yourself, the one who was hurting, what would you tell him?

SPEAKER_02 52:30

First thing is is I'd slap him upside the head, that's for sure. But I'd tell him It didn't work.

SPEAKER_01 52:37

Trust me, I didn't work.

SPEAKER_02 52:40

I would tell him, like, keep pushing, just keep going on the path that you're on. Because it will it will sooner or later work out for you. Regardless of whether you see it now or not. You just have to find it.

SPEAKER_01 53:22

Thank you for spending time with us. If this story resonated with you, share it with someone who understands the quiet cost of service. And remember, service is a lineage. A legacy and a thread that connects us more than we realize. Until next time, stay safe, stay human, and keep the stories alive.