Human Shrek

In this week’s episode, Prima and Pancake are thinking about wayyyy too much; Human Shrek, saying yes to random events, barbers, Coachella, and the battle of the internet Alex’s.

Hosted by The Prima Donald (@theprimadonald) & Pink Pancake (@hausofpancake)

Produced by Luke Martin (AKA Straight Luke) & kind of sort of by Peter Schum

Art by Curtis Brown Photography

Music by Jack Rayner

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Are we doing it? Are we doing it? Oh yeah. In a three, two, one.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

COVID back. COVID back. Yikes. I was thinking about how to call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, thinkers, it's time to put your thing on.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

It's time to do this. Welcome to You Think, a podcast from Two Gays That's Out.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

My name is Pink Pancake on the Prima Donald.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Well, let's get thinking. This is weird. We're filming at night. You know, this is our first nighttime show. There's something that feels so sexual about it. Hopefully not, because our knees are touching. Our knees are touching. No, there's just different energy after like a full day of work.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

I did drink a coffee at 5 p.m. And I'm I'm so wired. So wired right now. So I'm really ready to eat.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

I can drink coffee at any time and be perfect.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

So anyway, I want to address the elephant in the room. Let's address it. We have this is our like fifth recording of a podcast, and we haven't even released episode one yet. So true. But we know that the fans are begging for all of it. We know that they're like, when's the next episode? When's the next episode? And they're like, like, we're kind of taking your notes into account even though you haven't heard it yet. Correct. Um, but having said that, everything we're talking about, it's kind of like John Oliver's Last Week Tonight. Right. When it comes to the group Think of It All. So I and I just think people are desperate to know like what we thought about something that happened like five weeks ago. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

They're like, oh my God, I remember like the Alex Earl thing and that feud from a month ago. Why don't I learn about it today?

SPEAKER_01 1:51

That's like let's talk about now. It's a debrief now that's someone who just experienced this.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah. Yeah. So basically what we're saying is like our pop culture segments, you might feel like these might be from a few weeks ago. They are.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Currently, but we're gonna get into the group we're starting off. And also, it's like, how blessed are you to like remember something that happened a few weeks ago? Nostalgia's in. Yeah, nostalgia's in. Nostalgia's really in. So having said that, that little precursor, we should really dive into the episode. Okay, let's get into our first segment.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

You think.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

Michael, what have you been you thinking about? So I just went to a family wedding this past weekend in Philly. Sure. Yes, I had a really lovely time. I brought my friend Marissa as my plus one. Uh she is, I've known her since first grade, so it's very fun to party with her. She's an amazing plus one. Um, and I am kind of like in a state of gaggotry because I did hook up at a family wedding.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Yeah, now when you said that, I had a lot of questions immediately. First off, I was like, How did you pull that off at a family wedding? Um, how did you not do that in front of people? Were you flirting in front of your family? No. Uh who from your family was there?

SPEAKER_01 3:10

So my parents were not there, but it was my brother, my sister-in-law. It was my sister-in-law's sister's wedding. You do the math, figure that out. Um, so it was all of my sister-in-law's family and my brother. And my niece and nephew who are very young, so they were not present for the end of the night. They only walked down the aisle, which was so cute. My niece walked down the aisle. It's a flower girl, she's two years old, and she only made it like a third of the way down. And then she's a long walk for little legs. Yeah, and she looked back and they had closed the door where my brother was like standing, like, like, okay, it's your turn. And she ran back to get him. It was so cute.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

And then my brother like walked her down the aisle, but I it was little like baby legs, and then later you saw a baby arm. Well, that's gaggy.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Let's not do that. Let's not do that. Listen. What whatever. Um and my my nephew, who's older, he's like.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Oh, you're gonna go back to talking about children after I just did that? Yeah. Yeah, like yes, and it's like yes, no. We pivot, we pivot.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

I just wanted to shout out and say like he did a really good job walking down the aisle as a ringbearer. That's like all I wanted to say. That's right. Anyway, it was I, so Marissa and I were looking around, and because Marissa is single, I'm single, and we were looking around like who here is a hottie, like mostly for Marissa. I was like, I'm not expecting anything for me here. I'm not really expecting a lot of gay guys. And we chose like three hottes at the wedding, and we get on there was a trolley that took us to the after party. Okay. And we get on the trolley, and these two guys start like talking to me as we're like walking in. Yeah. And Marissa's like, I think they're gay. And I was like, I don't think Marissa, like, I don't think they're gay. She's like, they're not talking to me at all. I'm like, maybe they don't like you. Yeah. Anyway, it turns out they're fully gay and fully were trying to with me, but I was not trying to. My brother and his wife did not come to the after party, so that made things a little easier. Right. I also, here's a life hack. Life hack. Most wedding open bars, they don't allow you to take to take shots, but you can ask for a vodka on the rocks or tequila on the rocks. And so I was doing that with all of my extended family. What drink were you drinking on the rocks?

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Every. Oh. Yeah. I don't know you to be much of a shot taker. At a wedding occasion. Yeah. Yeah. At a wedding. Yeah. Wait, so were these two boys they were a couple or they were not ay were like they were very us like best friend vibes.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

And so one of them looked like human Shrek, and the other one was a really nice guy. And human Trek um parentheses complimentary. Complimentary. Yeah. You know when Shrek becomes human. Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Not everyone finds Shrek hot.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Human Shrek is so hot.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

I know our audience, and I know not every single one of them.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

And our audience that we haven't even introduced ourselves yet, so in the time that we're recording this, but I know that they love human Trek.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

Well, we have a contingent of lesbians.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

We do. We listen, but I feel like lesbians like human Shrek even more than anyone else. True, they like heated rivalry, so. Right. And they also like like burly men that like chop down trees. So yeah. So anyway, he was hot. And he was human Shrek with a mustache. And I fully I was staying at my friend Chelsea's house in um Center City. She was not there. And I brought both these boys back and Marissa. And one of them immediately fell asleep on the couch. I haven't even told Chelsea this yet. One of them fell asleep on the couch, and then I brought the other one downstairs to where I was sleeping, and we had an amazing night, but then he ghosted my ass. Yeah, listen, it's not your first time getting ghosted, it's not gonna be your last. It's not, but I'm so sad because I really because he was like, we went to the brunch the next day, like the wedding brunch, and we woke up together in the same bed, and then we had to wake up his friend, and we went to this brunch. I literally was like, This is my nephew.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

Um wait, sorry, I have a follow-up question. When you brought these two boys back, you you just said to one of them, like, so you're not joining this party. How did that go down?

SPEAKER_01 7:14

I only invited one of them back, but both of them got in the car. And so I was like, Well, I don't know what to do at this point. I did leave my wallet in the cart. Thankfully, I have lift pink, and so I didn't even have to pay for the return thing. No way. But they gave it to me.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

That was also really exciting when the day after you sent me a picture of your wallet and you said, Got my wallet back. And I said, You actually didn't even tell me that you lost your wallet, but I'm still.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

But as a best friend, I feel like you should know that I lost my wallet. Yeah, I should feel the same thing. You should have felt it. I lost my wallet and got it back, and then he didn't say bye to me at the breakfast, but he texted me. He was like, I didn't get to say bye, I had to run to catch my train, but it's not goodbye because I'll be seeing you in New York soon. And he lives pretty close to me. And then we were texting all day, and then Monday comes along, I send him a text to check in. Baby, it's Wednesday now, and I it's cricket. It's cricket.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

It's devastating.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

So I imagine he probably died.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

I mean, that's the only solution I can think of. Or join the Trump administration. Oh, so he's into bimbo stuff. He's into bimbo stuff, and I don't he he knew you couldn't provide that.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Well, he he should have well, he doesn't have an Instagram, so you can even look to see that I do provide that, but whatever. Right. Um, so yeah, that that's like that was the main thing that happened this weekend. Uh and I do have a date tomorrow with this guy that I had talked about in our first ever episode. It's our third date. At that time, I said he hated my guts. I was texting him today, and he's like, What are you doing? And I'm going to record this podcast. He said, I can't wait to watch. And I'm like, I don't think that this is for you.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

Yeah, and also like prioritize what was said. Listening, not watching, you know.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Well, he did say listen. I just said I like I misspoke and that's on me. Yeah. And I recount what I just said, and I want to say that he wanted to listen to the podcast. Because it's honestly like you're so sweaty that no one should look at this.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

No one should look at this. So it's like, so podcasts are now videos and books are now podcasts.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

That's so true.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Because I will be listening to Lena Denham's book, which we're gonna get to that later. I'm gonna but um I won't be reading that. I'm gonna read it. I can't wait to listen to that book.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

And do you know what? Movies are now verticals. Oh, true, true, true. TV shows are now verticals. Movies are now TV shows, but they're just one season, a limited series that's really long, but just one season of it that be maybe sometimes becomes two. And then movies are now only a few things. Marvel, scary, I think that's it. Yeah, and porn is now taught in schools, right? No, yeah, porn is now like a legit um not that it was ever unlegit. It was just now porn is.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Oh, sex work is not real work. I never said that. I never said that.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

Okay, what are you thinking about?

SPEAKER_00 9:56

I've been you thinking about so many things. So I've been really leaning in this week to like the vibes of New York is a wild place. Like, just say yes to whatever and do whatever, you know? I'm like, I'm young, I'm fun. I mean, I'm not that young, I'm only getting older. But I was really just saying yes to everything. Yeah. So this weekend I got invited to two different brunches that I didn't understand what they were. And I said, you know what, I'm not gonna ask any follow-up questions. Saturday and Sunday. Wow. I said, I'm just gonna go to both and then see. So one was like, I have a friend who is a lesbian chef in that order. She's lesbian first, chef second. And um, her chef Max, who we met at Pride a couple years ago, she invited me, she said, I'm doing this brunch at this place. Um, would love for you to be there. And I said, Of course.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

That's the one I was also invited to. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

But I had a gay wedding that I had to meet.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

No, I had a straight wedding where I had to meet gay human shrek.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Exactly. Yes, okay. So, and you were on that invite. I didn't, I wasn't totally clear what this was. And I said, Peter, husband, join me. Join me for this brunch. And he said, What is it? I said, Don't ask questions. So we show up, it's at this like chic Mexican restaurant. I was like, Okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

I just love to be at a chic Mexican restaurant.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Yeah. And they're like, Oh, you we sent you like a free QR or a free ticket to go. I was like, Oh, free ticket, like this is a ticketed brunch, whatever that means. So we get in and it's like a group of gay queers. Um, all these gays. All these gays, the restaurant was closed, except for anyone who was invited to this brunch who had a ticket or something. And it was like all these uh tables of gays. Um, and they were like, Okay, um, feel free to sit at any table. And I was like, Oh, I'm I'm just gonna join one of these tables. Okay. I saw like two different faces that I recognized, like, which way am I going? Which way? I went with this one gay, this one gay man who I know, sat with him, and I was like, woo-hoo! Like, we're at brunch, and then I'm whispering, like, so like what is this? Did I know? He was like, it's just like a it's like a gathering, and I was like, okay, like, and before I order, um, am I paying for this? And what did you find out? He was like, I mean, last time, like, yes, we we did pay, and I was like, uh, I thought I was like invited to a brunch, you know what I'm saying? And I was like, great, I would love to. I guess you got a free ticket to then pay for brunch. Yeah, which I'm like, how much was the ticket? Thank God I didn't pay for that. And Chef Max, if you're listening, so grateful to be invited. But um, I was like, okay, so I don't know what this is, and we're like sitting, we're chatting with everyone, we're like, okay, um like how are you? Like, what brings you here? And everyone just like the queer community building. And I'm like, okay, uh, that's so awesome. Still no idea what's happening. Then this guy who we were sitting next to and chatting, chatting, chatting with, he's like, Oh, um, I'm actually about to go up and make a speech. He's like, oh, okay. Um he gets up and the event becomes like gay shark tank, where everyone is standing up and like presenting their products that they have. So he's like, Products? Hi, yeah. He was like, Hi, gay sharks. Uh no, not actually, but he was like, I uh What would gay sharks be called? Um minnows. Oh the bears, otters, cubs, gay sharks. Right. Um so he's like had this yoga block that you can like transport. I was like, oh my god, you it's like it's like a collapsible yoga block. Um so like he presented this prop product, and another woman stands up, presents this product, and I'm like, Peter, I think we're at gay shark tank brunch. Um so that was very confusing. We left Wait, so did every did you have to go? No. I didn't have a product prepared, but also only a couple people. The thing was all about like connecting with other queer people who uh are in business in some kind of capacity. Uh but I had no idea what I was walking into. But I was like fun fun fun, had margaritas, then got piercings. The next day. Then got piercings? Yeah, can you tell what's pierced? That's new. Um. That's because it's on Peter's body.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

I was like, last time you got a piercing, your ear ate it. Yeah, that was a big thing. Last time Donald, was it Last Pride? Might as well have been. So sure. So it was Last Pride. We in I think it was like 5 a.m. or something, where Donald decided he needed to get his ears pierced. And so we went to like the only place open 24-hour piercing in somewhere on 14th Street. For real. And he got both ears pierced, and it was amazing. I think I no. I paid for a different ear piercing of yours. Correct.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

This was this was a different situation. But I got both ears pierced. And then one night I'm sleeping. It's like, it's still like within the first two months. I wake up and I'm like, um, where did my right ear piercing go? And I'm like, it's not in my ear. Um, so my ear swallowed it. It swallowed it whole. Honey. It was. And he had to go to the ER. I had to go to the ER. They had to like numb it and push it out. So I'm not getting any more.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

They're actually gonna be doing like a whole pit episode of it.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

Yeah, you're gonna see it any day now on the pit. So I won't be doing, I won't get be getting more piercings. But Peter did. And then the next day, our friend um Richard was like, I'm having a spring brunch. Yes. And I said, whatever that means, I will be there. I had to go a little late.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

I wanted to go to that so bad.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

It was his apartment, um, and I hope Richard you're listening, although I don't think you know how to access a podcast. Um, his apartment he's an Alger, gay. His apartment has all of this, um, all of this like ancient art, um, all these collectibles. It really feels like you're transported into a different era of time. Um, and there was our our friend Peter serving drinks, uh the our job. Did he do a good job? He did an amazing job. But anyways, it's one of these situations I walked in, it was like all of these older gay guys were just having champagne, like, oh, it's a fabulous spring. And I was like, I have no idea where I am once again. And I like that two times in one weekend. I like a surprise. I like to just lean in, say yes. And then the third time I did this this week is I was walking home, saw Lily Allen was performing um in 15 minutes at Radio City Music Hall, and I said, Peter, let's go. We looked at last minute tickets, got them for $29, and we're just saying yes to life. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Um, so we've now given two hacks. Yeah, this is this is a life hack podcast. First hack was when you're at a wedding, ask for vodka on ice to get a shot. Second hack was wait till the sh concert has already started and then get your tickets. Right. And you'll get them for basically free.

SPEAKER_00 16:51

Can I give you another one? Yeah. Walk into every room with confidence. You want to know why? Why? So I mentioned on Sunday I'd work. I was getting ready for a photo shoot. So I was at the photo shoot studio and I'd been there multiple times before. So I thought I knew the exact there was like there's like four different studios on this one floor. And we're I'm always in the same one. So I was like, okay. And I was like kind of on my phone, like looking at things, and I walk into the studio and I said, I'm here. And then I looked down. I was in a completely wrong room. All these people were looking at me, and I was like, What was the shoot vibes? It was, and I was like, huh? Like it was like completely different from whatever vibe I was in. I walk away and someone goes, Did you just walk into the Travis Kelsey photo shoot? I was like, oh no! Travis Kelsey was filming something. Um I didn't see Taylor, uh, but I did walk into his studio with all the confidence in the world. And was he there? I don't know. I I don't know. Yeah, you wouldn't. I didn't see him. And if I did, I don't know that he would like what he saw. Um so yeah, that's a lesson that I've learned. Yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Yeah. Uh that's amazing. I have a recurring nightmare that I'm late for class, but I can't find out what like building it's in. Oh my god. And it's like not a theater class, it's college. We went to college together, and I don't even know like what buildings they are. I have to log into my account to find out what class I'm going to. No, it's horrifying. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

I have a recurring nightmare that I lose my job and then like I'm logged out of Bravo's social medias and I'm like, but I need to post. I need to look at the DMs and like it's terrible. Like, imagine not posting. And I am, if anyone's watching this podcast, I am blotting myself right now because I am what? Sweating. But I'm like really liking what my ASMR of that blotting too. Yeah, yeah. And if you can't hear it, I'm blotting. The last thing that I'm really thinking about that I feel like we haven't touched down upon is that I got some pretty significant recognition this week. What? Significant. What? Because the one, the only Chloe Kardashian commented on my TikTok and baby, she said I was perfect. Okay? When Khloe Kardashian looks you in your eyes via TikTok and tells you that you're perfect, you're perfect. You've done your job. You can close your TikTok, you can go to bed. Because baby, I did it. Coco recognizes me, okay?

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Um, I have a few follow-up questions. She doesn't see how sweat I am. No, I had nothing to do with that. Because you're perfect with the sweat or without the sweat. Yeah. Um, questions. Question number one is does she run her own TikTok account?

SPEAKER_00 19:44

She does, because she like she were like so like it seemed really chill.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

Okay, totally. And then number two is what was the video about?

SPEAKER_00 19:54

It was about her product. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah. It was about her protein um chips. Oh, right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

Everything's protein now.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

Because everything's protein, and we've spoken about this in the pod. So I really enjoyed her product. Um, and I posted all about it, and she just said, You're so perfect. But she could have said, like, love this video, or like thanks for trying. But she said you're a perfect. I need to look at this man and let him know how perfect he is. Which honestly, Chloe's perfect. Let me tell you why. A documentary just came out about like Lamar Odom and how she like basically saved his life and took care of him over and over and over again. She used to be married to him, and she did this after their marriage, but he was going through a lot. And this man disrespected her so much. She's been going on a press tour, people being like, Are you grateful she saved your life? And he's like, God saved my life. Like, no, Chloe saved my life. And Chloe to the she's saving my life right now, like my self-confidence, which is always waning, you know. Yeah. Um, so yeah, did you ever get recognition? In my life? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

I mean, besides from your mom or well, yeah, my mom, my grandma, my dad. But like a public figure. Yeah, well, the Tony Awards, I'm a Tony Award-winning receptionist. Obviously. That's not a person, I guess, though. Well, it's like a whole committee. It's like an it's like thank you to the academy. Yeah, but like there's not a specific person you could thank. Um Well, there's just so many people. Right, but like name one. Um Andrew Lloyd Weber, probably. Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

I feel you've never had a famous person comment on your TikTok? Baby, you don't know what you're missing out on. Honey, you haven't had air to breathe. Huh. Huh. Yeah. Velma didn't comment on your Velma post?

SPEAKER_01 21:38

No, not yet. One time Dylan Mulvaney posted a picture of me. Does that count? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Or not. Okay, do you know what? I don't care. I do it for the love of the art.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

And speaking of the love of the art, my friend, you posted I think the most chaotic thing you've put on the internet so far. Today.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

Which is a lot of stuff that I put on the internet. It was pretty chaotic. I think this would go viral. Yeah, it didn't go viral at all. No one cared about it. Similar to this podcast. Similar to this podcast. No one cared about it. Um I posted so the day that I got dumped by my last long-term boyfriend. This is before Shrek. This is before Shrek Human Shrek. Um I Donald and Peter came over, like a lot of people came over that night. I was sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

We for my Lloyd Weber didn't, though, I noticed.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

No, he he came over. Yeah, but he came over. You just he came over before you did. Got it, got it. Yeah. Um well he like called, but he was busy like working on cat's agilical ball. Right. Uh so anyway, uh I for my birthday, my last birthday, my ex got us clonawillies, which is when you use a cloning machine called putting a bunch of stuff into a tube and made kind of like a mold of our uh junk and made them into dildos. Right. So I had his dildo, and the night of the breakup, I was so angry, but I wanted to like put all this rage into something positive. And so Donald and Peter and I we walked to the uh park along the water and I made a little speech for the camera. We just filmed it for me. I didn't think we would ever like post it anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

We being my like Yeah, I wasn't planning to post it.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Me being Pancake Incorporated, yeah. Um and yeah, I Donald filmed a video of me throwing the dildo into the water, and I posted it on TikTok today. And you know, maybe at this point it is viral, but maybe it's not. But it's okay. Do you know what I got I also talked about because I recently got tested. Yeah. Um, and three months ago I went to get tested, and I was literally like crying in the doctor's office because I had been cheated on and I was monogamous, and to Donald's chagrin, this is a PSA to all of y'all. Yeah, there's another life hack. Another life hack. Don't ever go off prep. Yeah. Don't ever go off prep. I went off prep because my old doctor told me that I could because I was in a monogamous relationship and it did not go well for me. So, and and this is I Donald thinks that I did it in like a loveless way. I promise you I did not. I did it because my doctor was like, Do you want to go off prep? You're monogamous. I had a conversation with my ex, and I said, if you ever cheat on me, you have to let me know immediately because you are putting me at risk. And also, you cannot cheat on me because you are putting me at risk. And I was like, absolutely around.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Never trust a man and always put your health in your hands and don't go off prep.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Yes, and I will never trust a man, even if I marry one, because that man could secretly be in love with his best friend's husband.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

I don't trust no hoes. My husband in the other room who could hear this, I'm not going off prep for him. Sorry. These hoes ain't loyal.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Yeah, fuck, fuck these hoes. Um, anyway, I want to so I did, but then I I got tested on um STI free, and that's like the three months post-breakup. So things are looking up. Things are really looking up. I have one more thing I've been you thinking about, but I have to go to my phone.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

No, totally. Like, look at your phone.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

Like Oh my god. Okay. So obviously I went to this family wedding in Philly and walking around Philly. I grew up in Philly, outside Philly, in the suburbs. I was just struck walking around alone. I was struck by all of these memories of growing up in Philly, specifically of like that time period where I came out as gay, like when I was first coming out as gay, and I was really coming into myself. I went on our 21st, on our well, it's I feel like if I have a birthday, it's your birthday too.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

We're celebrating the birth of which we both celebrate. Yeah, you know, it's our birthday.

SPEAKER_01 25:53

Like both of our birthdays are our birthdays. Right. We both celebrate, yeah. Um, as a as a unison community. Uh on my 21st birthday, Donald came in and had dinner with my family, and then they dropped us off at Penn's campus to like go drinking in like the like college bars there. Yeah. And I think my brother was like, these are the bars that I went to when I was in college. We were in college, that's like 21 is in college. And then we I was like, so I've like walked by these like gay bars. Do you want to go? So we took a cab. This is pre-Uber. Oh, we had to like pre-Waymo. Yeah, pre-Waymo. Humans used to drive these days. Right, yeah, exactly. And we had to like hum as a human wave down the vehicle to get it to drive. Yeah. And so we went to the gay bood, but first we went to this bar called Graffiti Bar, which is like in a little alleyway, and it's where I had my first openly gay makeup. It wasn't really a dance form makeout because it's just a bar.

SPEAKER_00 26:50

Um and that night I also had my first openly gay makeout of that night.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

With no, you had your first openly gay makeout with someone on uh True TV. What's it called? The real world. The real world. Donald had to sign a woman.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

God, my lore is deep, honey.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

Donald had to sign a waiver because he made out with someone on camera that was filming for the real world. I don't think we ever if someone could please find that footage, I'd really love to see it.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Again, my lore is so deep. Like, what? Thank God that never I remember being like, my my career's gonna be in. Like, I'm I'm gonna made out on the real world. Yeah, whatever. Who cares? Uh yeah, but so so although if you pay us enough for this uh podcast, we will take our socks off. Yes, if you pay us enough.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Abundantly clear. Yes, we will take our socks off for sure. Not on camera, but we will take them off.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Yeah, just think about that.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Yeah, uh, thank you, swipe up. So uh so that was one. The other thing that I was reminded of is I after coming out of the closet, I really wanted to get like a fresh, fun gay haircut because I rocked the Justin Bieber mop for a long time, which was horrifying. And so Donald and I drove all the way to Philly to get a gay haircut, which was an hour away from our college town. And we the haircut was like not as gay as I wanted it to be. Right. Um, but it was a good starting point. And uh I remember I got out and I was like, it wasn't really I wanted like the fade that I basically I like have still to say, uh, but he didn't go as fadey as I wanted to. But we got pizza after to celebrate.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

Sometimes you have to celebrate haircuts, you know what I mean? I mean, I got a haircut right before recording this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

Right, and now we're doing a podcast to celebrate. We actually have been putting all this effort into making a podcast so that by week four or five, whatever we're on, we could finally have a podcast to celebrate the haircut.

SPEAKER_00 28:41

Well, yeah, I had haircut drama tonight. Yeah, everyone's gasping. So I have gone to this guy before. I go to this barber shop, and there's like the owner of the shop who I often go to, but he hasn't been there the past two times. So I've gone to this other guy, and tonight I made an appointment for the other guy. The original guy? Um, not the original guy, like the new one. And then I walked in today and they were both there, and I was like, oh! And the owner guy was like, Hey, do you want to? And I was like, I made an appointment.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

Oh, that's really intense, Donald.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

And then it doesn't stop there. For some reason, and I really like the job that this man does with all of my hair, uh, but he really likes to offer me. He's like, hey, um, should I do your eyebrows today? And I'm like, um, no, I'm good. He's like, I can just like shave them. And I'm like, I don't know what eyebrow work means to you. And at first I was like, yeah, sure. And then before he did, I was like, actually.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

What does that mean?

SPEAKER_00 29:41

I don't know what it means. Like, and but he takes them. He trims them. He trims them, but I don't know. I don't go to an eyebrow place. Yeah, I was like, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 29:48

You need to.

SPEAKER_00 29:49

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:51

I'm just like, I he does a great job with the rest of my hairs, but for some reason, him saying, like, I'm just gonna trim your eyebrow hair like with like whatever tools I have. I'm like, No. No, I need someone to thread me down. I want to be in so much pain. Yeah. I want to be like, oh, why did I do this? I want to be like, never again. I want to feel like I'm bleeding. I'm gonna, I wanna feel like I need aloe vera to get through this afterwards. I feel like I need um. Do you do that after? Yeah. She says, Do you want some lotion, which is aloe vera? I put it on my eyes because I'm burning down boots. And I have really thin skin.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

I have really thick skin. I'm really good at being like, yelled at the sky. Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

SPEAKER_00 30:28

No. Told that I'm ugly, rejected. I'm extremely strong in every single way, and don't you ever accuse me of anything otherwise? Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:36

Uh no, this guy really weird. Uh it's I think the soundfeld No, this guy really weird. I think the Seinfeld.

SPEAKER_00 30:44

I think you mean And that's the thesis of the podcast, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 30:51

Um, circling back to your experience at the the haircuttery, I think the Seinfeld episode about the barbers really like nails it. I don't know if this is true in all places, but maybe it's even worse in like the suburbs. But you're in a relationship with the person that cuts your hair. That is a committed relationship. That is even more than if you're in a year plus monogamous relationship where someone went off prep. Your relationship with your barber, I my relationship with my barber has lasted way longer than that relationship last.

SPEAKER_00 31:20

You get off prep for the barber, right?

SPEAKER_01 31:22

Yeah. And and he hasn't cheated on me, and I'm not cheating on him. But sometimes when he's not there, I do, and like I'm in a state of an emergency where I need a haircut for an event or something. There is like a second guy. You like you do have your mistress. Right, your mistress. Yeah, but and then they always play it really well where they know not to even like acknowledge that they know you. Yeah. Um, but one time he was so busy that he recommended my mistress. And he like, he like know, like we all know, but we're just not gonna talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

Yeah, the vibes can be deeply awkward in that capacity. Um, but I'm glad I kind of stuck to my guns today. I was like, I was feeling bold, I was feeling brave, and I was like, no, don't touch my eyebrows.

SPEAKER_01 32:04

Your eyebrows, your choice.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Okay, now I feel like it's time to go to our second segment.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

And what's our second segment?

SPEAKER_00 32:12

It's called Group Think. This is where we kind of talk about what the whole group has been thinking about.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

This week, which for you might be a bunch of weeks later, but we're gonna like we're gonna really dive into what happened this week in our personal lives, which now, so if you can go back with us, um Coachella just happened. We did not, we were not there, but we saw some things online, and I wanna say two, I wanna say two things that I think we're all thinking about. Please. Number one, the two headliners Justin Bieber. Um, let's talk about him first.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Okay, and I have shocking news for you. Well, tell me. There were three headliners. Guess who the third was. I'd rather not guess. You're shaking with fear. Yeah. Carol G. Carol G. Who's Carol G? She's a singer. Okay. Do you know who she is? Yeah. Okay. She's like, and then she I mean, she mostly sings in Spanish, so I can say that I know all of the words, but it's like you can still enjoy the music.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

Obviously, I really enjoyed Bad Money's Super Bowl performance.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

Good, because if you didn't, you'd be kicked off the pod.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

Um, but anyway, so there were three, but I have to say big moments happen with two of them. Yeah, yeah. And Justin Bieber, I've actually been really enjoying on my TikTok right now. I'm seeing a lot of like old Bieber stuff coming up when he was a little kid and being like very sassy to interviewers, and he was kind of hilarious, actually. And he was like kind of real. But I have a confession. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:52

I don't think I have beaver fever. I don't think I have beaver fever. No. I don't know why. Like, I I just it's not doing it for me. It's not clocking you that I'm not standing on business because I just I you know there's a lot of debate. Was this performance lazy? Was it not? Even irregardless. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

Um the I just it does suck to me that it just that just shows the uh misogyny in this world is that Justin Bieber went up there and like I think took like a FaceTime call in the middle of it or something like that. He pressed play on YouTube. Yeah, and then Sabrina Cospender was giving everything, and then she had a really awkward moment with someone who she thought was yodeling, who they were not yodeling, and now she has offended a culture and probably has to apologize for it. Uh and that just not probably she did. She did, okay. Um, but I actually haven't really been keeping up with the Kardashians in the situation. Something that you have to know is Name the culture she offended.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

Um, the The culture. Um, I actually have no idea. But what I will say I think it was like Arabic. Okay. Um but I'm not positive. I like what she did with Susan Sarandon. Like she had really clever cameos, thoughtful cameos, deep cuts, um, a huge vision, dancers, set pieces, and then he pressed play on YouTube. Yes. The mass ain't nothing for me. And I saw so many videos on my TikTok of like women at Beaver's thing, like sobbing.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

It's like, oh my.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

I'm like, wow, men can really do the least. Yes. And that's why Rob won the traitors. And that's why we're making a podcast.

SPEAKER_01 35:35

Yes. All those things are the same. Yeah, I guess we are the problem, but make it gay. Oh no, we're 100% um darn it. Um I would you go to Coachella. I don't think so. Me neither.

SPEAKER_00 35:52

I mean, if I like unless I was paid one single dollar.

SPEAKER_01 35:57

Yeah. Uh I I didn't I've never seen Lady Gaga on concert, and I regret that, and I regret not seeing her at Coachella because that looked incredible. But I did watch it in the comfort of my own home.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

That's what I'm saying. Like, now that you can sit at home in AC, even if the AC isn't really blasting right now in this room, and watch it, I'm like, yeah. Do you understand the logistical complications of getting into Coachella, paying for that, all the little things. I'm like, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

Is that the one where you have to like decide whether you're gonna take a shower or not? So it it may be like that.

SPEAKER_00 36:28

Is that the one where you like camp out overnight? I mean, people do that, but I think Burning Man is what you're thinking about.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

No, I think it's isn't it Coachella? Or no, it's one maybe Lollapuruza. I think you're thinking of Firefest. Okay, well, I don't want to decide whether or not I'm taking a shower. Yeah. I want to take a shower.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

I mean people literally spend like $10,000 to stay in a tent. Like, that's like the value.

SPEAKER_01 36:50

Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:50

They decide whether or not they're taking a shower. You can shower that they have showers, but I'm just like not.

SPEAKER_01 36:56

They have showers, but I think you have to wait in a really long line.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

I just think it's not clocking to you that they have showers.

SPEAKER_01 37:01

But you have to wait, it's not clocking to you that they have to wait in a really long line. I'm honestly I'm spewing fucking bullshit because I have no idea what Coachella is. But I want to say that men are stupid, boys drool, girls rule.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

And what I want to say is like Chloe Kardashian, if you're watching, I would love to go next year with your popcorn. Yeah. Um, and promote it.

SPEAKER_01 37:22

Nothing better than protein popcorn at Coachella. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

There's something about protein popcorn at Coachella that hits different.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:30

Yeah, I will find that out in the future. Right.

SPEAKER_01 37:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, so yeah, that that was Coachella, I guess. Um, that's something that happened. Another thing that happened this. Oh, wait, I also just want to say, like, say it, but don't speak.

SPEAKER_00 37:45

In general, I'm not either. In fact, like Lady Gaga was also in New York this week, and I was like, I'm good.

SPEAKER_01 37:51

I feel that the reason why I haven't seen Lady Gaga is because you haven't seen Lady Gaga. Right. And I desperately want to see her, but I only go to concerts when you tell me that we're going. Yeah. Except for last night, no one texted my ass to see Lily Alan Last Minute, even though clearly I would probably relate to the material.

SPEAKER_00 38:08

Did you listen to this album?

SPEAKER_01 38:09

Yeah, it was incredible. It was incredible. It was also more of like a podcast with music.

SPEAKER_00 38:15

Yeah, but it was it was a one-woman show.

SPEAKER_01 38:17

It was incredible. It was a one-woman show.

SPEAKER_00 38:20

It really felt like a play. It was only 60 minutes. We were home by 10 in bed.

SPEAKER_01 38:23

I would have loved that.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

I would have loved that. God, it felt good.

unknown 38:26

God, it felt good.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

Sold out. Um, but so sold out. But yeah, I don't think um you're gonna find me at many more concerts this year. I don't love the experience.

SPEAKER_01 38:36

I would have gone to Lady Gaga if it weren't $900. Right. Also, it's just not worth it. It's so expensive, and I'd rather see a musical or a play.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

$29 was the perfect price for me to go to a concert.

SPEAKER_01 38:49

I'd rather go to a drag show, a comedy show. I'm just like, I don't know. They're they're I I'm not paying enough that I can actually see them. They're like an ant. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:59

We don't want to stage for ants. Actually, last night, so I wasn't expecting to go to this concert. So I left my glasses at work. Because I was like, I'll be back. Yeah. Please hold. Are you okay? Oh my god. So I wasn't expecting to go to a concert. So I was like, okay, I'm just gonna leave my glasses at work and I'll be back in the morning. And then I came home and I'm like, okay, I really want to go to this concert, but I fear I won't be able to see anything. And especially because we're getting last-minute tickets are gonna be far back. So what did I do? I went deep into any drawer I could find in this house for a pair of old glasses. I found the rattiest pair of the ugliest glasses that I had as like one of my first pair of glasses. I scrubbed them down. They were like foggy and scratched up, but I wore those to the concert.

SPEAKER_01 39:49

Wasn't it at Radio City Music Hall? It was. So couldn't you just like go back to work?

SPEAKER_00 39:53

I could have, but we got there like right when it was time to start because we just got tickets. That's right. So I was like, woo! Um, but the the other life hack is don't leave anything at work. You never know when you can go to a melancholy or never leave anything at work.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

Never ever leave anything at work. Uh there's two other group things that are thinking about this week. Let's think on this. Uh let's think on this. One is the battle of the Alexes.

SPEAKER_00 40:20

Wow. And we don't even know where this is gonna go by the time this podcast.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

Right. Some people think that it's like a stunt, a marketing stunt.

SPEAKER_00 40:28

So we are obviously talking about Alex Cooper versus Alex Earl. Now, I like when white ladies get messy.

SPEAKER_01 40:36

Especially when they have the same name spelled differently. There's nothing better.

SPEAKER_00 40:38

I think they're gonna have to whoever loses this battle has to give up the name Alex and eye their hair brunette.

SPEAKER_01 40:43

And either hair brunette, yeah. I think just the brunette part, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

And I just I think we have to make our stance clear.

SPEAKER_01 40:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:51

Alex Cooper would love to be on your podcast tonight. We're going, we'd be so happy, no matter who wins.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

I actually do listen to Alex Cooper's podcast sometimes if she has a Do you mean mother? Do you mean queen? I mean daddy. Um if she has someone that I care to listen to interview.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

She's the best podcast in the whole world. Yeah. And I can't think of a better interviewer.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

Um, I also just want to say that Alex Cooper's interview with Ariana Maddox really honestly like healed me and like really helped me with my most recent breakup because they were similar situations. And I yeah, Alex Cooper's a really good interviewer. Loved her at the Hanaman panel. And I, yeah, so I watched a TikTok of the T. Do you know what the T is? What's the T? Do you do you know what it is? No, I'm like I'm saying what's the T. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, also I want to say that we've been recording these every week, and every week I'm like, I hope that there's like a group think this week, because we don't ever want to talk about something that's like too dark, too, like you know, political current because it's scary times. But every week we've been blessed with some like silly little drama.

SPEAKER_00 41:59

Things are going down in the DMs, okay?

SPEAKER_01 42:02

Yeah. So Alex Cooper has a podcast network, and Alex Earl, right? That's correct, um, is another like influencer or something. I honestly have no idea who Alex Earl is. I know that at one point she had a light that was all over TikTok that you had to buy.

SPEAKER_00 42:20

I love that light.

SPEAKER_01 42:21

This is my light, it changes colors. And uh I guess this podcast, Alex Earl's podcast on Alex Cooper's podcast network, only lasted a year and then it ended. And then and no one said why, but then Alex Earl started like retweeting, reposting, commenting on stuff that was disparaging Alex Cooper. And then Alex Cooper was like, Okay, if you're gonna like be messy and you're gonna talk shit about me, let's talk about this. And she made a tick uh she said name them. She made a video and she literally was like, Hey, Alex Earl, I I see you've been talking shit about me. Like, what's the tea mother?

SPEAKER_00 42:58

Miley, what's good as my ancestors used to say, but then she became MAGA.

SPEAKER_01 43:02

Right. Um Yeah, that was sad. Um I'm sorry for your loss. Uh so yeah, so so I don't think Alex and Alex Earl commented, like, oh baby, I'm gonna talk about it. So we haven't heard at this point what Alex Earl has to say, but it seems like a few things might be happening. One is the podcast Alex Earl did might have been canceled by Alex Cooper or something. Because Alex Cooper said, like, you own the IP, you can do whatever you want with it. We just didn't continue it on our station. Um, number two is like maybe Alex Earl just never I don't know. For some reason the podcast ended. I guess there's beef behind it.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

And if this podcast ever ends, there's beef. Oh, yeah, there's beef between the network and us.

SPEAKER_01 43:48

Yeah, and us.

SPEAKER_00 43:48

Because the network, like, you need to support us. Yeah, even if we are the work. They're up and coming creators. Yeah. And if you're a network who wants to house us, we'd be thrilled to be a part of it. Yes. And we will feud with you if you drop us. We will feud with you and we will sub-tweet things. We will subtweet, we will sub-like, um, and we will feud everywhere publicly. Just so you know.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

Which could be good for your brand. That could be really good for your brand. Some people think that this whole feud is fake and it's for marketing, but we don't know. And we're excited to find out. What are your thoughts about it?

SPEAKER_00 44:23

My thoughts are by the time this podcast drops, both of them will have a knife fight. Oh. Kill Bill style. And bold will be destroyed. No, um, I don't want that for either party. Just so you know, I am against kill bill style um knife fights. Like, trust me on this. Um, I do think Alex Cooper is gonna come out on top, and I'm making a stance right now. I'm taking a stance. Um, and that's bold because we will know.

SPEAKER_01 44:52

We have no idea what she did.

SPEAKER_00 44:54

Things really change minute by minute, day by day.

SPEAKER_01 44:57

It's hard to support someone weeks before you'll find out what they did or didn't do. Right.

SPEAKER_00 45:03

And if she did something bad, we do not stand behind it.

SPEAKER_01 45:05

No, and we're we just want to say we will throw her in under the bus and slash. Right under the bus. But if you're used to stay at the the goddess that she is right now, we wanted to say that we've always supported you from day one. We've always been with you. We will always be there, and we will always love you. Yeah, uh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:21

Do you think she could afford us though?

SPEAKER_01 45:23

I I think she could. I think she could. Yeah, because all that our pay is just Khloe Kardashian protein popcorn. So I think she can handle that.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

True. We're probably her best clients.

SPEAKER_01 45:36

Yeah. Um, and yeah, I don't know, but it's always fun when people feud online.

SPEAKER_00 45:43

What other two podcasters do we want to feud? I'm thinking Amy Polar.

SPEAKER_01 45:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

I want her to go head to head.

SPEAKER_01 45:51

And I Kiki Palmer is like one of my favorite people in the world. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:55

And those two, Amy Polar and Kiki Palmer, they're both so evil.

SPEAKER_01 45:58

Yeah, and they really like called grudges.

SPEAKER_00 46:01

Yeah, they're just like these drama queens. So I would love to see them sub-tweet each other. They would be like, hey, you're an extremely nice person.

SPEAKER_01 46:11

Yeah. Who else? No, I don't know. Those are the only podcasters I know. But maybe we'll feud.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

Well, I listen to the podcast version of The View, which is just the TV show, but they make it a podcast. So I would like the whole view panel as it's they feud every day. They feud every day with each other, with um the president, with all of his people. We don't talk about him here. We don't talk about him. I'm the only Donald in this podcast, honey. Right.

SPEAKER_01 46:43

Michael is one of the most common names in the world. So no Michael that does anything bad will really like affect me because it's not a unique name.

SPEAKER_00 46:50

Unique New York. Okay, and the last thing that were you thinking about is Lena Denham has come out with a memoir. Yes. Um Lena Denham, someone's so important to us. Watching girls is pivotal to our lives, to our friendship.

SPEAKER_01 47:05

It I was literally a girls super fan. I was brought on to the Harry Connick Jr. show because a friend used to recipes for them as a girl to the show. Yeah, he's fine. Um and I competed to for Girls Trivia to win a free trip to New Orleans, which I did lose the trivia because I was actually a girl super fan. The other person was not a girl super fan. She just like really studied, and I didn't need to study because I knew everything. But I was on a no, no, but I was on a couch with Allison Williams herself. So I was so overclumped, so scared, so out of body because that was my idol sitting and breathing the same air as me. And so, how am I supposed to answer a question when my the love of my life is right there? And I gave her a hug just a second ago. And also, I want to say that I I feel like I there was only one there was a they asked me like what song does Marnie singing out.

SPEAKER_00 48:01

I feel like we do need to give a little more context. So you just like brought it up, but yeah, yeah. So I was at NBC Page, there was a rotation at the Harry Connick Jr. show. Our friend um hot Sam Sam Curry worked there, and they were doing a segment where they're like, we need an Allison Williams super fan.

SPEAKER_01 48:16

No, it's specifically a girls super fan.

SPEAKER_00 48:18

Yeah, a girls super fan, the of the show girls, not of women.

SPEAKER_01 48:22

I'm both.

SPEAKER_00 48:23

Just so yeah. This is a feminist podcast. We love Alex Cooper. So, um, so they're like, we need a huge fan of this show girls. And she asked in our group chat, like, Does anyone know someone? And I was like, oh my god, my best friend Michael. So they bring him on.

SPEAKER_01 48:38

Yeah, yeah, you did, you did.

SPEAKER_00 48:39

Yeah, but they brought you on to this talk show as a girls super fan, and you didn't know really what you would be doing.

SPEAKER_01 48:46

I didn't know what I would be doing. I just knew I was a girls super fan, and I knew that we were gonna be talking about girls, and I was like, Great, I love that show. I could quote it. Um, I can still quote it. And yeah, and then it ended up being in a trivia show about girls sitting on a couch with Allison Williams. Harry Connick Jr. hated my guts because I was like a chatty Kathy, and he kept looking at me with like eyes that said, like, if you talk one more time, I will murder you. And yeah, he didn't like me. He was very like good cop bad copying it. He was like good copying the other woman on the couch with me and bad copying me. But even though I did lose technically, I think I lost by like one point. We can go back to the case.

SPEAKER_00 49:27

There was like only three points, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 49:28

There were three points. I lost by one point, but I knew the song, I just forgot the lyrics of the song. Because once again, I was sober clamped because I saw the love of my life, Allison Jean Williams. Don't know her middle name, but maybe it's Jean. And we'll look it up before the next trip, yeah. Oh god. Uh and so yeah, so anyway, we both ended up getting free trips to New Orleans. I took Donald, it was so fun, it was all expenses paid. We stayed at a really gorgeous hotel. New Orleans was incredible. I've only gone that one time, but we you're able to just like take drinks from one bar to the next. And there was this gay bar that was offering a deal one night where it was like you can either pay individually for drinks, which would be probably like ten dollars a pop, or you could pay five dollars for unlimited drinks all night. And so we went that route, and so we would just kept going back to that bar, get unlimited drinks, and then leave and go somewhere else. We made five dollars. We like tipped.

SPEAKER_00 50:27

It was incredible, incredible. Chaos ensued.

SPEAKER_01 50:32

We went to strip clubs, we went to a women's strip clubs for straight men, but we were just Donald was like buying them drinks, giving them dollars, like, but he was like, No, I don't wanna. He's like, just take this money, but don't we just we can just like hang out, but please don't dance, please whatever. It's like this is this is for your break.

SPEAKER_00 50:50

Right.

SPEAKER_01 50:51

Courtney, take your break. And you participated in an underwear. Yes. This was before I ever did drag. We were, I feel like, fresh to New York, very pretty early 20s, and I competed. There was a drag queen that was doing like a strip tease competition or something, and I would of course raise my hand. Donald was not at this bar, he was probably going back to get the five dollar drink. Yeah, I was like, the the free drink. I was completely alone, and I volunteered, and there were three army men that also volunteered who had like the most beautiful bodies in the world, and and me. And it was not a lip sync, but they all But it was for your legacy. For for me, it was well sure, if my legacy is not a good one. Uh it these these three army men they strip, their bodies are incredible. I go up and I'm like, okay, I clearly am not gonna beat them based on body adi auddy, but I'm gonna lip sync down. So I start stripping and lip syncing, and then I I'm I do yoga, so it's like, oh, I'm gonna do a handstand on the wall. And so I go to do a handstand on the wall, I fall on my head, and they cut the music and kick me out of the bar.

SPEAKER_00 52:07

We were young. Let us have fun. Yeah. What is it with this town? We can have fun?

SPEAKER_01 52:13

Nobody has fun anymore.

SPEAKER_00 52:14

Gosh. But Lena, okay, so back to Lena Dunham. Back to Lena Dunham. So Lena was on uh Last Call Teresa's, our amazing competitors in the podcast boys. Right. And um, no, love you boys. Uh, but they were talking. Did you listen to it yet? Yeah, I was talking about it. Okay, yeah. So she was talking about how, you know, at different points in your life you might resonate with other ones. So she was like, I used to always think that I was uh a Marnie, but as I get older, I'm such a Shosh. So I wanted to ask you that question. Like, where where were you and where are you in in the girls?

SPEAKER_01 52:46

When the show came out, I was very much a Shoshana. Do you agree with that? Yeah, and why do you say that? Because I was I always talked like this. I talked really fast, I had anxiety, now I'm medicated. Um, I just always went to like the next month thing, and I was definitely insecure. Uh and then I and I was like, silly.

SPEAKER_02 53:05

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 53:06

What about you?

SPEAKER_00 53:07

I think I was a Jessa, and I think I am a Jessa.

SPEAKER_01 53:11

I agree with you.

SPEAKER_00 53:12

Like, I'm like on these shows, everyone's like, I'm a mix between this and this. You're never a mix. I'm never a mix. I'm just like I'm straight up a Samantha.

SPEAKER_01 53:20

You are like an archetype as a human being.

SPEAKER_00 53:22

Yes, I'm I'm the archetype. Like I'm a Jessa, I'm a Samantha, um period boots.

SPEAKER_01 53:30

Yeah. You're a Joey.

SPEAKER_00 53:32

I'm a Joey. And that's friends. Yeah. I don't really watch that show.

SPEAKER_01 53:36

Yeah, I don't, I don't think we're I don't think we're part of that lifestyle. I'm Chandler's dad.

SPEAKER_00 53:41

So the Sabrina Carpenter. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:43

Yodoling. And you're Justin Bieber. Um, anywho, so I definitely was a Shoshana. Right. Now huh. None of those girls are likable except for Shoshana. Jessa is like iffy.

SPEAKER_00 53:58

You're Marnie.

SPEAKER_01 53:59

I'm Marnie. Yeah. Fuck. No offense. Yeah. I'm micromanage.

SPEAKER_00 54:06

No, that's not her only quality.

SPEAKER_01 54:09

I'm loyal.

SPEAKER_00 54:10

Loyal, stuck up.

SPEAKER_01 54:12

I'm suck up. I'm not suck up, I'm snobby. Yeah, you're snobby. Not all the time, but for some things.

SPEAKER_00 54:17

Um that's exactly what she would say.

unknown 54:20

Fuck.

SPEAKER_01 54:22

She loves to perform. She loves to perform, and it's always cringy when she does. Ding ding ding. Ding ding ding. Uh, okay, fair. Fair. Can we talk about sex in the city then? Yeah. So I think I in college, because my life didn't begin until I met you. Correct. So in college, I was certainly a good idea.

SPEAKER_00 54:41

So that's why they say A D after Donald.

SPEAKER_01 54:44

Yeah. B D. Big Dick Energy.

SPEAKER_00 54:48

No, it's B D E.

SPEAKER_01 54:50

D E B. Before Donald's era. Yeah. Um, so in college I was a Charlotte, correct? You were a Charlotte. Yeah. I think now I'm kind of I think in college I was like pure Charlotte. Yeah. Like I really wanted to like find my husband. I really uh was a hor horny and did crazy things and had crazy stories, but I was like very much like looking for like love and like the the one. Uh now I think I unfortunately um do believe in my heart of hearts that I am a Carrie Sun, a Charlotte Moon, and a Samantha Rising. That feels correct to me.

SPEAKER_00 55:41

That feels correct to me. And why would you say that?

SPEAKER_01 55:43

I think that I come off as being a whore. I especially I think it's like that's what people are expecting. That's the brand you've built. Yeah. And and then I think I'm a a Carrie Moon because I am with these fuck ass men, and I'm also a sex columnist. I write about sex in my uh what's it called? Substack. I write about sex in my web series. I write about sex when I speak it out loud, spur of the moment, stream of consciousness on this podcast. I write about sex in future projects I'm feeling. So I'm definitely a carry. And I also like, I don't think I like make stupid decisions like her besides go take going off prep. That was one. Right. Um, but generally I think I'm like, whatever. But I'm a Charlotte Moon.

SPEAKER_00 56:35

But yeah, you're you're a writer who somehow like lives way beyond their means, which is so similar. Yes, totally, totally, totally. It's like how does she afford her apartment? She's a substack writer, you know?

SPEAKER_01 56:46

Right, yeah. Thank you, five subscribers that are paid. Um, and so then I'm Charlotte Moon because I think I I don't believe in like one true love. I don't even necessarily believe in monogamy, but I do want to find like a life partner. And but I'm not really traditional. I don't know. I think Charlotte's very loyal. She's so loyal. She's a really good friend, and she curses the day you were born. She curses the day you were born.

SPEAKER_00 57:11

Um, okay, you're just a Sam. Well, no, sorry. What I was. Oh, yeah. I was a Samantha. Yes, in college. In college. And then in my twenties, I was then a Samantha. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 57:23

And then what happened later in life? And then like in your 30s. Yeah. Got married.

SPEAKER_00 57:27

Got married. You know, I've matured. Um, and now I'm a full Samantha.

SPEAKER_01 57:32

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 57:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:33

That's a big journey.

SPEAKER_00 57:35

I mean, yeah, I mean, it's just different, different iterations of Samantha. She has many parts of her. Now I'm like a little bit more of the career-driven Samantha, um, mixed with all types of Samantha. But um, you know, you go through your journeys of Samantha.

SPEAKER_01 57:50

I was saying your Samantha goes, You're fabulous. Oh, because I'm can you do her voice? Um fabulous. You're like, give me a martini thumbs.

SPEAKER_00 58:00

And I also have the same haircut she had when she had cancer.

SPEAKER_01 58:04

Bald. Yikes.

SPEAKER_00 58:07

But hey, that got her awards. And I'm looking, I'm a and I'm a Webby Award winner.

SPEAKER_01 58:11

You are a Webby Award winner.

SPEAKER_00 58:12

And not in the way that you're a Tony winner, which is fake. Like, I was like, it's-I won awards. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 58:18

I'm queer T nominated, didn't win. I said winning. I said winning. I won Best Actor in a film festival. I won't be on YouTube. Well, yeah, my series ended up on YouTube. It's 33 million views. Sorry. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 58:39

Too bad your dildo in the river didn't get that. We don't know yet. Just like when you threw it, it made a small splash.

SPEAKER_01 58:47

Yes, a very small splash.

SPEAKER_00 58:49

And I made a small splash on the internet.

SPEAKER_01 58:52

I did make another video that got more abuse. And I've actually I went viral. Just in general, just you made another video. I talked about like going to the doctor getting tested and about like the getting off prep thing. That's a different video though. It's a different video and it got more abused.

SPEAKER_00 59:05

I've made two videos before and one got more.

SPEAKER_01 59:07

But they were like the same subject, is what I'm saying. Um so I'm just like throwing everything into the river and seeing what splashes. So yeah. Um I and I want to say that the reason why I'm like trying to like get up on this TikTok gig is because I've been told that if I want to have a TV show that I write and act in and produce on a major streamer, which is my dream, that I have to have one million views on TikTok. So please, not views, but subscribers or whatever it's called. Followers.

SPEAKER_00 59:40

Would you want to be on the Roku channel? Sure. I don't know how to access this. The Laguna Beach reunion was there. It's like, it's on the Roku app or channel or something like that. I'm like, I don't know where Roku is.

SPEAKER_01 59:56

And I never will. He doesn't know how to like do like basics. My father inventor of Toastwood Schrudel. During COVID, he he's like, hey Mike, because I stayed with my parents um because I was lonely. And and and very grateful that I was able to do so. Um my uh my father was like, Can you come here and how do you open a new Word document? I was like, What do you mean? He's like, How do I like I know how to open one that already started, but how do I start fresh? And like, what I don't understand. Like, so I need to make a Word document. He's a he was a lawyer, he's retired now. How do I do that? I'm like, you just click it, Dad. But he has a secretary that was doing all of that stuff for him for all these years. I need that. That is well, that's Peter.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:43

Yeah, that is my husband Peter. He he opens cans of tuna for me. Yeah, he does anything that I can't, which is most.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:54

But I do some I plan our brunting, but I don't know where we're going to.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:58

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get free protein popcorn. Yeah. You are the life of the party. You always see things in a positive way. You always are like wonderful. I'm a Samantha. You are a Samantha. You were a Samantha. You will always be a Samantha. I'm a podcast host.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:14

Yeah. Um, I'm a host of pre-games. I'm a hotcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:19

I'm a hotcast host.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:20

I'm an ad hoc protein host. Pro bono. Pro bono. I host protein within me.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:27

That's kind of cool.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:28

I do that too.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:29

I think it's time for a final segment. Yeah, we do. Our final segment is What Do You Even Think?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:37

This is a segment where we play a little improv game or just a little game in general. We are going to one at a time say a figure, whether it be in pop culture, historical, it's a person, place, or thing that we think the other person probably does not know. The other person then has to guess what this thing is, tell us the who, what, where, and why about what this even is. And let's see how much they even know.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:02

Um, okay. Do you want to go first?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:04

Or do you want to Yeah, I'm gonna go first.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:07

Like, I'm gonna say a name again. I'm gonna say a name. Oh, wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:10

I'm curious if you know. Do you know this person? Henrik Ibsen.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:15

Henrik Ibsen. Is it time for me to go? Yeah. Okay, Henrik Ibsen. Do I know who he is? Yeah, well, first of all, if your name is Henrik, you're obviously from British. So he was our he was our first ever British podcaster before microphones were invented, which is weird. Like, how are you podcasting? Well, before podcasting with a microphone happened in British, they used to just speak it in British the town square, like in Shakespeare. A crier. Yeah. So so Henrik or Hendrix or whatever his name is, he would speak out his thoughts into the town square in British, and people would come, they would listen, they would subscribe. And how you would subscribe back then is you would just click them on the shoulder, you tap them on the shoulder, and say, I would like to hear more of this on your podcast. And he was all over British. He was in Scotland, he was in Europe, he was in England.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:06

Wow, those are all British places. Those are all some of the British uh places that he would go around.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:11

Yeah. He would explore there, he would explore his thoughts. So that's how people knew him initially, but we all know what happened.

unknown 1:03:19

What happened?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:20

We all know what happened towards the end of his life.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:22

Right, and what did happen.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:24

He married a bush.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:25

Barbara Bush?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:27

I'm not sure. I'm not uh privy to say.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:31

Or a bush on Main.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:32

A bit of a bush on Maine.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:34

Yeah, so he married a bush. That was so wrong. I'm kind of spooked by it. Henrik Ibsen is that he do you know the show the play A Doll's House? I've heard of it. So he wrote that one. I thought I was maybe I was thinking maybe you would know who this is. And they're like the dolls? They should they should honestly revive a doll's house but make Nora a doll. I mean, it I watched I had Barbies. Yeah, it's similar to that, except not at all. So he was a Norwegian playwright. Wait, I was so close. You were so close. I was actually I was saying so many. And I think I said Henrik, but it's Henrik Ibsen. I'm pretty sure. Honey, I don't know. I do have a lot of people. But he's known as the father of realism and the founder of Oh, the the doll gets it real. The daddy of realism. And he was the founder of modernism in theater. He wrote plays like A doll's House, Heda Gabbler, and Madagascar. Um I'm pretty sure they have like a remake of Heda Gabbler called Heda. Uh I don't know, I didn't see it. But he yeah, he was like a 19th-century theater writer, and he that Adoll's House is one of the most famous plays ever, ever, ever.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:52

Not in my house, honey. We only watch Matilda. And that's a book, but then it was a play that I never saw.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:01

That was a book, a movie, and a musical. And then a musical.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:07

Wow. Well, do you want to you think about someone? Yeah, tell me what, tell me what you got. First ever in our podcast history, we're gonna do a duo.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:14

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:15

Michael, tell me who it are Sharla and Myrna.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:20

Charla and Myrna. Charla and Myrna. Sharla and Myrna are two identical sisters. Oh, bitch. I think I actually do know who they are. They were the two conjoined twins that they shared the same body, but they had their own heads. And one of them controls the right half, one of them controls the left half. But I'm pretty sure they had I think they had two hearts, but like one of everything else. Or maybe they had one heart. Um, and they even dated, and but they didn't share the same boyfriend. So if one of them was on a date, the other one just was like they're hanging out. They've had a lot of documentaries about them, and I'm pretty sure yeah. Uh I don't know. I yeah, I feel like they've come back on TikTok a lot with those documentary clips. Uh and that is who Charlotte and Myrna are. Wait. Am I right? You were right. For real?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:12

No, man! Not even cousin. Wait, I really thought I was right. Um no, but let me tell you what it is. Charla and Myrna are a team of cousins who are on the Amazing Race 5 and Amazing Race All-Stars. As the show's first disabled contestant in Amazing Race 5, Charla aimed to break the stereotype about what little people could do. So Charla uh is a little person and she went on with her cousin. They ended up being a force in this show. They absolutely killed it. They made it um towards the end to the finals in the first version. Then they came back in all-stars. They defeated Rob, like from Survivor and Amber. They both survivor winners. They beat them. I watched these seasons. Like they they would fight intensely, but they would run their asses off and do all of these challenges and compete with the best of them. They finished in third place on um All-Stars.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:14

Did they win their season?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:15

They didn't, but they did extremely well. Um, and I was always obsessed with Charlotte and Mirna, and I'm friends with them on Facebook.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:22

For real? Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Wow. Well, shout out to Charlotte and Mirna was so close, so close. And I'm pretty gagged you don't know who Ibsen is, but that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:32

I mean, uh there's a commander or whatever. But we're teaching people, and this was another life lesson that we taught people. It's like, what is that? What is that? Oh, hold on, my capsule's calling. Hello? And keep this in.

unknown 1:07:46

Hey, how are you? Uh, capsule or Donald?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:49

Yeah, we're um, did you buzz?

unknown 1:07:52

No, no, I'm I'm just calling uh uh in advance to make sure someone someone is at uh five.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:57

Oh yes, we're here. We're actually recording a podcast, but we're here. 3e, right there.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:02

Yeah, 3e. And that was our first uh guest on the podcast. Wow! Our first guest. We have no other space to have him, so we have space on this little couch.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:13

Um, okay, well, that was this episode. Until next time, I'm the Prima Donald.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:18

I'm Pink Pancake.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:19

Keep thinking and keep your thinking caps on. You think is produced and edited by Straight Luke, aka Luke Martin, and kind of sort of by Peter Schum. Art by Curtis Brown and music by Jack Rayner.