Tolu: What is a Polynesian Family?

Another Week Another Episode!!

Polynesian families are known for love, strength, and unity but is that the full story? In this episode, we explore the real experiences behind closed doors. From respect vs control, to family loyalty, to the pressure of success and expectations, nothing is off limits.

We dive into why leaving home can feel like betrayal, whether privacy is respected enough, and how culture shapes both pride and pressure in today’s generation.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Hey, my love's and timeers and one hinners of the internet. Welcome back to another episode of your favorite podcast, the third one.

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Yes, talk for everybody. Hope you've uh been able to have a great week. Uh we definitely have, and uh yeah, it's been a it's been a good ride so far with everything that's been happening. Um thanks to everyone that has been responding, reacting, liking, and following the journey so far. So thank you. Yeah, and we have a special guest today.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

We love to laugh if you don't uh want to laugh you're in the wrong podcast. Yes. But over here we have an exciting topic that we've wanted to talk about. Yes, and it's something that we all have to deal with, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:30

I know, it's something that we have every single day, and whether we like it or not, it's just gonna be there for the rest of your life. So but yeah, we'll today we'll we're gonna cover the topic of families. What does a Polynesian family look like? And you know, I know we've have we have some uh people that are following us that they may not be Polynesian, so this is your you know, you're sort of taken to um into the islands of Polynesia and its family. So Neil, what does your Polynesian family look like?

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Oh, they're all pretty much athletes.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

So what happened to you?

SPEAKER_01 2:06

My former days, yeah, whatever. But I love Polynesian families, they're so beautiful. Because we come from such strong uh culture-centered uh environments, it it comes and bleeds up from our family. Yeah, so my family itself, I consist well, I'm I'm of a blend, right? So I'm adopted. Wow. Which is different.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Polynesia, it's pretty well it's not it's not different, it's common, but it's different, yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Yeah, common but different in terms of Western society. Yeah, yeah. Um but for us it's common because we usually have I think in Mao they call it Fangai, in in Tongan it's pusiaki. When you you know you give your uh your children to your siblings, right? Yeah, yeah. Um, or in essence, a lot of times culturally, your grandparents will usually have their first grandchild, right? I don't know if it's in Samoa, but that's how it's the same, same. But for me, I have uh eight siblings, mixture of steps and and halves um adopted, but obviously I see all of them as four siblings. So we've been able to enjoy that that unique facet of a family. Which means we have a lot of traditions that we hold. Um, whether we like it or not, they're things that we have to follow. Yeah, respect, humility is a big thing, um, responsibility and fulfilling responsibilities. But also um it's full of laughter, man. We love to laugh loud, we love to sing, love to play sport. Whatever to you.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

My ACL.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

My ACL's gone, man. I only have my BCL. Anyway, um that's a common. I would say to have a snippet, we're fun, but we're loving, we love people whoever they are, and no matter how far we may get off the track, right? You know, our parents always want us to be home.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

What about you? Well, for me, I've you know, growing up, you know, we've always had people around me, wherebe cousins, your siblings, and so I think there's always family around that you see them as you know, cousins, as as as sisters and brothers. And I think as Polynesians, we're also around known for having so many family, like like actually a lot of family members, right? Yeah, how many siblings do you have? So I have I have uh ten siblings. Yeah. Um two of those are him. Yeah, so I have a twin brother. So I have a twin brother. Um, but it's actually, yeah, there's ten, I have ten siblings, and we're kind of a blended family as well. So seven of us are real siblings. Uh one is a half-brother, um same dad, different mum. What do you mean by real? Are we fake? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, and Tonga, fake. Met in China, fake. Flowers fake. No, this is real flower. We picked it on the way here. Um, and then I have my younger cousins that we adopted, um, and then my younger nephew as well. So yeah, we're big family, and eh man, that's I love it. I love it. I think always have someone to sort of talk to, play with, and you're never bored. You know, you're never you're never out of ideas or what to do and you always have someone to hang out with.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I think the counter to that is there's not much privacy.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

Oh yes. Oh, yes. And so one of the questions that we do have is is privacy respected enough and Polynesian family? I don't see that. Oh no, it's it's there, it's there at the bottom. Is privacy respected enough and Polynesian family?

SPEAKER_01 5:47

Dang. Well, it depends on what facet. Like, if I take it from family, right? Parents, they don't care about your privacy. Yeah, they're gonna barge into your room regardless. And like when you have big families, and you know, a lot of Polynesian families aren't well off, you're usually sleeping with your brothers. You sleep with your brothers? Sorry, sorry, like to get the memory But like um like you sleep with your siblings, right? You never have like your own room. Yeah, yeah. Like if you want your own room, you have to go sleep in the garage or something like that, right? So I don't think um I I I can't answer for everybody. I feel like generally we don't mind too much about privacy because of grown up already in like a family setting. So to us, we already know that privacy is not a thing, it's not even like something that we think of until we're older as an adult. But by then we're already ready to move on and go out, yeah. So I think privacy is respected in the way that uh custom-wise it is, yeah. Right? But privacy in terms of like your dating life, that's pretty hard, bro.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Like because your your dating life is it's in privacy, it's so private that it doesn't exist. No, I think for me, so growing up, I did really didn't have uh a room until I was a bit later on in life. Like I'll probably say, man, eight um 18, uh, 19 or 20. Um and yeah, growing up, I didn't have a room. I didn't have any privacy, so I was sleeping in the lounge area. So you're in front of the in front of everyone else. You're not just the only one sleeping there. You have a family, maybe sleeping across from you next to you. So over time, I think it became a normalcy for me. I didn't have to worry about anything else. And I was, I think that kind of goes into the way that we share a lot of the things that we do have in the polynesia. And I think this is where some of the foundational, I said the foundation for a lot of the way that we serve, the way that we look at love, the way that we look outwards rather than inwards. Yeah, not necessarily saying that, you know, just because you have privacy doesn't mean you know, yeah, it's a bad thing. I think it's it's a great thing that I've seen, I've experienced coming from the islands, having never had any privacy to um now having my own privacy, I found myself a little bit more looking inwards rather than outwards. Yeah. Um but as which is something that I've I'm grateful for, being in the Polynesian family, which allows that privacy.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

Right, like it teaches you humility, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Yeah, yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

That we all have the same humble beginnings, you know, we don't have a flash upbringing. And so when you grow up and now that we're here and we have our own room, yeah, oh wait a minute. You're in my room. You're on my room. But we get to be more grateful for privacy now because you know, we didn't have it when we were younger. Yeah. But I think now that we've touched on families and things that about privacy, things that we like, things we don't like, a question that comes to mind is you know, though do Polynesian families feel more connected, which you're talking about? Or do you feel like tradition has made it so that it feels like it's more controlling?

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Yeah. Um I I'll tell from my experience. With culture, I think I've I've kind of shied away from culture because of how it was the impact on my family. But I think b purely because I don't understand fully culture in itself. Um so I think it's you know, I think it's become more of a thing that I rather than me understanding, I'm staying away from it. I just really see the impact that it has on my family or has had in my family. I don't really see it as a I guess of a way of I mean it is in a way it is dividing because of the lack of understanding. But uh as I as I try to understand more and more about it, it gives me a better way of making more informal and as well as educated decisions. Knowing that this is a beautiful part of culture. It's not about this and that, it's about you know being with family, it's about giving time, it's about you know doing that service back to your family. Yeah. What about you?

SPEAKER_01 10:26

I think there are sort of elements that feel that feel connected and some other parts that are controlling. Um but I think it depends on the take of your leaders, your parents. Right, right. I think they determine that flow. Like um you know, my family, speaking of my own experience, yeah. Uh my family were great in in cultivating an environment where you know we felt safe. Yeah. But um sometimes we were me and my sister always joke around, right? Uh because sometimes we were scared to share our opinion because we know that a lecture is going to come. Right. Right, right. We're family evening every Sunday and uh every Monday, and my dad would be renowned, right? Right. Everyone's finished their sharing time, and then my dad comes on, then oh, we're here for another 30 minutes getting told off.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 11:23

Like, honestly, but most Islanders would agree we'd rather take a hiding than a lecture.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Or permission. Huh? Like asking for permission. I'd rather I'd rather do it than asking for permission, right? You know, you never heard of that before. Like prevent better to cure? Yeah, yeah. Oh, but it's not your time.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

Like for that way, I think there's a this, you know, this connect when the respect um kind of pushes your opinion aside. Yeah. Like that's why I feel sometimes Polynesian families, and I've seen like with other families, whatever the parents say is goes, regardless of how the kid feels. Right. You know, and oftentimes the the parents are right in what they decide, but just uh emotionally connecting with their kids is what's being inhibited. Right. Although the parents know the right way, you know, and and parents do know a lot more than we do. Just even acknowledging our opinions would allow more comfort and emotional connection. Which is what I felt in the controlling sense, I didn't feel too controlled, to be honest. I'm more outspoken and I usually go against the grain.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

Yeah, I can see you have opinions you weren't controlled. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

I can see you. Excuse me. This is trauma. But like uh now I've lost my track of thought, mate. Sorry, sorry, keep going. Pretty so now, like with controlling, I think it's more like I feel like it's more on my sister's side. Like, you know, I think Islanders, we kind of treasure our sisters. Right? And we try and keep them in the house, you know, until they're 25-30. And so a lot of things that I was able to get away with, like as a young child, she would not. Like I'd be able to walk from school back home when I was like six or seven. Right, right. My sister couldn't walk home alone until she's probably like twelve. Wow. You know what I mean? Which I don't know if it's controlling or if my parents love her more than me. I think they love them more than No, I think they loved you. Not that I think they loved you more than They didn't care. Nah, they didn't. But yeah, in saying that, I think that's my kind of answer to it.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

Um next question. What is our next question, my friend? Oh, that's so smooth. I asked the last question. But anyway. Oh yeah, sorry. The last question is Is success in Polynesian family measured too much by money and status?

SPEAKER_01 14:11

I think it has to stem by what Polynesians define as success. I think a lot of times families like even employment-wise, like being successful as a man or a woman in in a Western environment to our parents was just having a full-time job. Right. Yeah, like just having a steady paycheck to help pay the bills. That to a lot of parents was a lot because you know our parents coming from cultures and islands where you could just spend money freely without consequences because you have the land already, right? You already have uh groceries resources over there that you grow your own produce and things like that. But then when you come to the Western country and you apply the same thing and give, give, give.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Yeah, we fall into debt and we get into cycles of more and more debt. Yeah. And so because of that, I think our success standards were set very low. Like, hey, as long as you get a good job, that we don't have to suffer and worry about not being able to pay for our next electricity bill, I'm happy for you. Right. Um, and so I think yes, there is definitely a lien on money and wealth. I think we we love to be proud of our culture, right, and that extends towards the success of our kids or of our family. Yeah. But when that being proud becomes more of this kind of pridefulness that we talk about in the Bible, where we lift up our chests instead of uh, you know, our hearts and love. That's when it kind of is kind of is deterred, and then we start comparing. Which is what I feel is uh quite big in the Polynesian culture is that we compare a lot. Like, oh, they got a bigger car, let me draw withdrawal alone, get a bigger car than them, you know? Right. And you know, like comparing us two, like my three XL shirt versus your five XL. Like I want to get a bigger one now.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

Yeah, what are your thoughts, man? Yeah, um, I think for me, it's it definitely has gone out of hand, gone out of hand for a lot of people, like what you said. Um a lot of our people do look at other people and compare themselves. Hey, let me get this, let me get that, you have this, you have that. And because of that, a lot of our people are measuring success. Okay, you have so much money, you know, you're successful that way. Because you're you have so this this much money, you're successful, right? Um, but it's I mean status as well, yes, status I would challenge a little bit. I think in the Polynesian islands we always have status, comes with chief title, our parents, all that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Wait, no, I was just thinking you talk about status, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

What do you think about um The Rock when he wore uh Yeah Lava Lover? Yeah, lava lover, and he said the more masculine you are, the better the skirt or something.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

You remember? I don't I haven't seen that one, but I have heard and see people's stories about it, but I don't know what he said about you know the yeah lava lava or the yeah fake hunger that he wore. I think it's great. I I I don't know why people are talking crap about it.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

I mean that's not the answer you gave before.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

What are you changing it? Brenda Rock Johnson? Fake fan. First of all, first of all, first of all, I met him. I met him. I took him around the Polynesian Cultural Center as one of his tour guides. I was able to speak to him. We met him, huh? We met him. Well you were just killing me. Right. No, but you can't you came at me saying that I said what I said. No, I think it's a great way to promote not only Polynesians but as well as men, right? Uh I think when we looked upon um look about what the woman wear, it's always, you know, women wear the skirts, you know, certain clothing is only for the woman. But in the some and Polynesian culture, it's it's been around for a long, long time.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

Um way before even fabric came was introduced to the island to Polynesia. So so for me, uh it's great. I I love it. It's putting us in the map, it's putting the Polynesian culture. Um, I wish he wore like a da'vala, that would be cool, but good thing he's not tongued, so don't even know.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Yeah, yeah, sure. But I think it brings up a good thing because we talk about status and money, right? We love that for our own family, yeah. But we always put other people down when they are chasing theirs. That's true. Coming back to the comparison thing. Yeah, like I don't know why. We are like our own biggest haters. Oh, for sure. Like, I mean, you're a really big hater. You're just a hater, but now uh but anyway. I honestly I feel like we are our own biggest haters. Like when we see come with someone coming up, we think, well, being Fia Poco or Fiakamafa, my sound more ready for you.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Ready for the masses. Uh if anything, uh this guy's learning Sam because his uh girlfriend is Samuel, so that's why he thinks. Why are you mentioning it again very much? Anyways, keep going.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

But that's what I think about status is like within our own families, good. With when we see other people, we we try to bring them down. Which I don't know why if we just have an inferiority complex. Yeah. But anyway, I digress. But I think um what would be helpful is for another question is what's one thing Polynesian families do uh better than any other culture? Or what's something that you feel in your family in your Polynesian family that you did or experienced that you think would be helpful for other families outside of Polynesia?

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Yeah. Um that one when I was thinking at the question, I thought, man, one thing that they're really good at is service. I think regardless of of which islands of Polynesians are you from, we're always willing to give service, right? Yeah, only uh we're always willing to serve other people. You know, I've experienced people, you know, walking by, hey, do you want some food? Do you want some water? Come on by. On the mission, I got to experience, you know, people, members that are Polynesian. Yeah, mostly um question. No, I don't think so. Sure. Uh but a lot of people would you just stop by and just give us food, give us money.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

And I think that's one thing that would I say um set us apart from other cultures. Not saying that those other cultures d don't do it, but I would say for us Polynesian, we do it a lot, and it's popular among the Polynesians as well. Even though if we, you know, even if we had the littlest of things, we always give. Yeah. And we would rather see them, you know, succeed. We want to we would rather see them be full and and have all those things, and you know, than us. And I think that's the beauty of culture or Polynesian culture, which when it comes to money and studies that we spoke about, uh that's where I guess I'd Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

I would agree. I think becoming more serviceable and uh charitable is a is an admirable thing. It is I think sometimes we expect it too, like when we go see other families. Yeah, yeah. Remember the time we went to um to Utah and we were had no place to stay, and we were asking all these families, right? Yeah, hey, can we stay? And then we serve with these people, but you know, I think we expected them to be like us. Right, right. Like be hospitable. Of course. Yeah, yeah. You know, and then pretty much the only people that looked after us were Polynesians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to the Broadaloes, man, look after us. Yes, from the case. But that just that just goes to show, like, yeah, if everyone was just as willing to open their doors, right? Yeah, and I know that there's different things, that it's a very unsafe world to be as open hearted as we want to be.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

But like I think Polynesians, they're so good at just setting that standard of just love everyone, man. Yeah, give them the benefit of the doubt and help them as much as you can. Yeah. But I one thing that That I like about culture that we do well is respect. Yeah. I'm sure you have this moment, but I swear if you see some people, right? And we look at them and we're like, man, that kid needs a hiding.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Well, on Patreon.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

What you know.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Yeah, I'm looking at one right now. But like, you know what I mean? You see someone, you're like, Brad, the guy needs his hiding, because he's he's not all there, right? Or he's being rude to his parents. Or like some things that we would never do to our parents or never do to anyone, you know, as normal for other kids. And I think we teach respect by our customs. You know, we respect our leadership, we respect our parents' uh wishes. In the Torah culture, whatever our parents say go pretty much goes. And we try our best to be respectful, you know. And sisters and women often, you know, know their duties. They're gonna go. If we go to a big family reunion, they cook, you know, and the men will go and prepare the pigs and cut up the meat. We already know how we can commit ourselves because of the respect that we've gained during childhood. I mean Samoa, right? You guys the kids cook, or the men cook, right? And the boys start when they're really, really young. Right. And they cook for their parents and grandparents, and they have to eat first. And then once they're finished, then the kids can eat. Yeah. Teaching them, right, that giving to others is gives you more of a beneficial feeling than it does just being inward. Right. And so I think that's something that the Polynesian culture could offer to others, and like again, not saying that other people aren't like that, but I feel like we do it at a very unique level. And if we everyone did it, man, it would be such a good vibe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Yeah, that's awesome. I think thinking of Polynesian one thing that we're good at, man, there's those are some of the some of the many things that we're good at. And I think the we're being seen as um being prideful, we're seeing it as other things because of of how much we're doing it, and has we've forgotten the meaning of culture, the meaning of respect, the meaning of love, or why we do it in the first place. And that's why I think culture is beautiful. And you know, bringing in religion, I think religion has reminded us of how beautiful culture is. That we don't just abandon culture, we it goes hand in hand with religion. And I think the values that religion brings, and as well as um to culture and vice versa, it really goes hand in hand in the way that who we're trying to become, who we're hoping to be, uh moving forward. So I think our cultural identity as well as our religious identity um is something that we both need to uphold. You know, we don't just take one or the other. I think it's yeah, I beautiful thing that we find balance in both. And I see it across in any culture, not just Polynesian culture as well. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

I must say religion plays a huge part in the islands. Oh yeah, right? Yeah. I feel like Dong is probably about 95% or even 100% Christian. Yeah, yeah. Um, and so culture and religion to us are like intertwined, right? They kind of can't have one without the other. And that's where a lot of issues collide. But I think the beautiful thing is that I think religion is like the big umbrella for me. The umbrella, right? And all these cultures fall in underneath the umbrella, and as we embrace them uniquely together, they can balance. And I think that's the struggle that we're trying to address here how you know these values that we love in our Polynesian families, they all stem from the values of you know Jesus Christ. Yeah. And what he taught. And if we can exemplify him in our decisions, we'll naturally become like a Polynesian family. Yeah. Like we'll naturally give, we'll and we won't have the side effects of pridefulness, of, you know, the thief of joy comparison. Yeah. And I think that's where religion comes in, is it sweeps through in comes the good, out goes the bad. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what I love. And hopefully you've been able to feel it through this discussion on families.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Yeah. Right? So that's sort of, you know, I'll take into the Polynesian family, our own experiences. And every I, you know, every people and every Polynesian family is always different. There's a lot of similarities, some of the things that we spoke about, uh respect as well as service. So some of the things that uh you'll find in many of the islands of Polynesians, but it's also there's also uh it's also different to many as well. So not comparing our experiences with other people, but this is how we've experienced Polynesian family. I'll look into it as well. So but yeah, so that's pretty much the end of our topic of of family. Uh we love our families, man. I I'm grateful for my family. As to sort of end our podcast, Barry, I'm grateful for my family. Uh they've been there for me um and helping me grow, learn, and they definitely have helped me to also uh if I need to be corrected as well. So I'm grateful for my family. What thing you're grateful for your family, Bray. I'm thankful they corrected you because you don't listen to my corrections. I have my family for that, so that's why.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Call me your brother, but oh no. Anyway, I do love my family. They did such a great job. Mom and Dad, thank you so much for maintaining patience with my mouth. You know. Whether it be the words I say or the food I eat, I love you guys and all my siblings. Thank you for pulling through all the way. Shout out to you guys. Yes. Tongan family's way better. But like you said, I echo, man, all families are beautiful, you know. Not every family's perfect, but this one's perfect.