Why Fatherhood Matters More Than Ever | Chris Beach

Chris Beach, CEO of the Fatherhood Foundation of Virginia, is a living embodiment of his organization's mission: The beauty of fatherhood lies in shared experiences and learning from one another.

Chris shares the poignant personal story of his father suddenly leaving the family, when Chris was 16, and the gap that suddenly existed in his life. That experience shaped many of Chris' future choices and perspectives on life, from teaching and volunteer work, to his own relationship with his wife and four boys, and ultimately leading to his deeply meaningful and important work with the Fatherhood Foundation.

Work-life balance is a significant challenge for fathers. We know the pressure that exists to provide and be present simultaneously. But when we look back, years from now, time spent with children is more valuable than material success. 

The Fatherhood Foundation of Virginia's objective is to strengthen fatherhood, creating safe spaces for dads to ask questions and address the stigma around seeking help. Through shared experiences, coaching, events and support systems, Chris and his organization are there to give dads recognition and empowerment, for the benefit of themselves and their families.

Take it from Chris: "Life goes way too fast. Kids need their dads." - Chris Beach

Learn more about Chris Beach and the Fatherhood Foundation of Virginia:

• www.vadad.org

Chapters

00:00 Creating Safe Spaces for Dads
05:58 The Impact of Fatherhood on Families
12:11 Breaking the Silence: Men Talking to Men
20:59 Work-Life Balance for Fathers
25:01 Coaching and Counseling: Breaking the Stigma
29:54 The Importance of Communication
33:58 Events and Initiatives for Dads
41:31 The Vital Role of Dads in Children's Lives

If we can ever be of help to you, give us a call at 1-877-VETS WIN, or visit https://www.graybroughton.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Men are created to be providers, but we also need to ask questions on how to be providers. And I think that's becoming less and less taboo nowadays. It's okay to talk to other guys. It's okay to ask questions. It doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're trying to be stronger.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

This is the people who make Virginia. Real stories from the people making a difference in our communities. Brought to you by Gray Broughton Injury Law, a veteran-led trial-ready law firm.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

All right. We're back. Back with another episode. We have with us Mr. Chris Beach, the CEO of the Fatherhood Foundation of Virginia. Chris, good to have you.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

I read up a little bit about you, and before I give you the mic, I want to say that you have a great story, and I'm excited to get into it. And I wanted to share a little story about what fatherhood means to me, or more so, just something memorable when I think of fatherhood, since I'm a new dad. So when my wife and I first got back from the hospital after she gave birth to our son, I remember sitting at home, you know, after a couple of days of being in the chaos of the maternity unit. And as I'm sitting there, kind of in my I guess, feels I'm looking around, I'm thinking, and I just get overwhelmed with emotion, you know. And I think to myself, like, how am I gonna provide? How am I going to protect my family? How am I going to make sure I don't fail in any of these things? And I just remember breaking down, you know. My wife and I talked for a little bit, and it just dawned on me. I was like, look, I don't know the answers right now, but I'll work very hard to try and find them. You know, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I'll be here every day, right? Because when I moved to the United States, and I'm sure you can you guys can kind of hear it, I'm getting a little emotional, but I was 12 years old. My mom and I are the ones that moved here. Although my dad was, you know, there, you know, over the phone, video chat, whatever, it still has an impact on a 12-year-old, you know. So with all that being said, I think that a lot of fathers can agree with me when I say that we try to do our best, we just don't know what the answers are. And I do believe that being an involved parent father is very important to my child. So with all that being said, I fast forward now. I have a two-year-old. I I'm not perfect by no means, but I want to consider myself an involved parent. I like to think that I help my wife as much as she helps me. And I am very excited to get into this conversation because I feel like I'm gonna learn a lot from you because I'm the youngest parent in the room right now. But, you know, with all that being said, take it away.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Well, uh, wow, yeah, that's loaded right there. Thanks for that. I appreciate that tee up right there. No, first of all, none of us know what the hell we're doing. I'll be honest with you. Uh you learn as you go. I appreciate the ability to talk about that and say, you know, I don't know what I'm doing, and that's okay. You know, at Father of the Foundation of Virginia, what we do is we start all of our classes with three things. Number one, there's no such thing as a perfect dad. Bottom line, there's not. And if you can find them, please let me know. I want to hire them to take this job. Number one. Number two, there's no such thing as a dumb question. In today's society, there's so much access to answers out there that sometimes dads just don't even ask those questions. And they're not dumb questions. And that that's one of the things we do. We create safe spaces for dads to ask those questions that they're afraid to ask around others so they don't sound stupid doing it. Guys don't want to sound like they don't know what they're doing. But when it comes to fatherhood, we don't know what we're doing. We're learning on the fly, it's drinking from fire hose. And number three, the most important relationship you show your children is the one with their mom. Regardless of, you know, married, not married, co-parenting, not co-parenting, together, not together, that relationship is the greatest relationship you're going to show your children because that's going to show a boy how to treat a woman. It's going to show a daughter how to be treated by a man. So those are the guiding principles we start off every class with. And our tagline for our class is fatherhood doesn't come with instructions. So we learn from each other. Iron sharpens iron. We know that. The more we're able to get other men speaking to other men, the more we're able to get people talking about fatherhood and what it is to be a man and you know, not apologize about being a man. It's okay to be a man. The more we can have those conversations, the stronger we're going to be in our Commonwealth. Chris, how did you find your way to this organization? It kind of fell into my lap. It was crazy. I was I taught for 12 years prior to going into the nonprofit field and um got into administration and just realized administration wasn't for me. It was about budgets, it was about test scores, it was making decisions for kids based on everything else but the kid. And sadly, that's what education has become a lot of. You're making decisions based on what's best for the bottom line, and what's best for the kid. And so I jumped out of that and went to Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I saw firsthand when I was there, there were 300 boys in a waiting list, no men to go with them. Then I went and worked and go up in court for two years. 1100 housing units, 7% had dads living in them.

SPEAKER_04 5:34

And sorry, say that again. 7%?

SPEAKER_01 5:37

7% of the 1,100 housing units and go up in court had dads living in them, actually. And then, you know, take it a step further, uh, this position came open where we were working with youth in schools. We were working to make stronger marriages and reduce the divorce rate. Number three, strong fatherhood, doing programs that really drive fatherhood. And fast forward, I'm in my 11th year here with the organization. And three years ago, we were always afraid to dive straight in on fatherhood because people were afraid that, oh, nobody's going to fund us because it's fatherhood. You know, and uh again, it was just one of those things where we dove all in and we've doubled our reach. We're statewide, and uh just kind of fell into my lap. And, you know, I'm going on my 24th year of marriage to my best friend, and we're raising four boys to be men. So it's something near and dear to my heart. And like you said, my backstory, it's it drives me on a daily basis because I want to be there for my children as much as I possibly can. Do you mind if we dive into your backstory a little bit? Not at all. Not at all. I grew up in Powhatan, Virginia. A lot of things went on with um mom and dad that they just kind of kept away from the kids. My sister and I one day woke up, was driving back, and Powhatan stopped by my mom's store and uh said, Your dad's not coming back home tonight. So that's when things kind of started going down the hill. I had to stop, take care of everything, and just honestly become the dad in the household and take care. And then when dad did return, that's when divorce started happening, and I had to get between mom and dad from punching each other and the arguments and the the money and just everything that happened there, and I was the middle one. I was trying to protect my sister, I was trying to protect my mom, I was trying to stay good with my dad. So then, you know, fast forward 20 years, I never really had that relationship with my father in my years after college. It was just me. So I really didn't have that guy to go to. And honestly, uh, you know, I'm a believer, so I said, you know, I'm forgiven on a daily basis, and who am I not to forgive my dad for what he's done? So I started having a relationship with him for about a year. He and I would just meet once a month and just really talk to each other and started to really build that relationship back up. It was a very superficial relationship, it was not a deep relationship, but it was a relationship at least. And uh my boys looked at me and said, Dad, how come your last name's different than Papa Choo-Choos, which is my stepdad? And I said, Well, I have a real dad. It was Christmas, three days before Christmas, and my dad and I were having conversations, and his fourth wife walked in and said, Would you like me to bring his gift in? And my dad's like, You didn't have to bring me anything. And for the first time, all four of my boys walked in with my wife. And for the first time at 40 years old, I heard my dad brag on me. Didn't think I needed it. Every boy needs to hear that from his dad. Every boy needs that from his dad. And uh as we're walking out, the dad looked at me, he said, Proud of you, son. I said, I wasn't looking for it, but I was like, Thank you. I'm very proud of my family as well. Thank you. Christmas came and went, I get a call two days later that he passed away. So I was able to get that moment, you know, something that is one of the greatest gifts I've ever had. Men need to hear it from other men that they're doing a good job. And I don't think our Society Day as men does a good enough job of doing that. So that's what led me to the Fatherhood Foundation and why I'm so passionate about doing it. I work part-time job to stay in this job. But uh, it's it's a passion of mine. I love what I do. I get to go out and literally help men be stronger fathers and be there for their children because I truly believe that if we spent more time being proactive and getting to the root cause, which is the breakup of families, if we got to that, we wouldn't need more mentors. We wouldn't need more programs, we wouldn't need all of these things. We would just have stronger families, and a lot of these ills that we have in today's society would go away.

SPEAKER_03 9:20

How old were you when your your father originally left the home? 16. 16.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

You know, I had a world at my fingertips, and you know, I was playing baseball, playing football, loving everything. And then literally, like that overnight, everything changed. Uh, had a baseball, literally a month and a half later, had a baseball come back, hit me, and broke my jaw in half, and uh lost my starting position on the baseball team because I had no energy and I just couldn't do anything, and we didn't have insurance, so the bills started racking up. I mean, it just one thing after another, after another after another, kind of hit, but you know, just I did everything I could to stay strong. I did have great mentors. My baseball coaches, my football coaches, my grandfather, I had extraordinary men who made sure I was taken care of. One coach in particular, he always had new cleats. And I'm like, I don't mom said, I got you new cleats. I'm like, these are great. We didn't have the money for new cleats, and I find out years later as my coach, and it's just men need other men. And that was the, you know, if I'm uh a quarter of what my coach was, then I'm doing a great job in life.

SPEAKER_03 10:25

So And you said you're a man of of faith. Did were you already, I guess, firm in your faith prior to your your dad leaving the home, or is that something that sort of developed over time and and after that?

SPEAKER_01 10:40

I've always been strong in my faith, but I think the forgiveness part was the hardest thing to do. Just saying sorry. He he hurt us. He hurt us a lot. He hurt the entire family a lot. And I was the only one that was speaking with him. But you know, as I got older, I'm just like, you know, I'm asking for forgiveness on a daily basis. Who am I not to forgive? So in honesty, uh, it just kind of hit me. I'm like, I'm thinking my dad needs to do this. My dad needs to be the first one to do this. Because as a dad, I would be the first one to do that, to say sorry. But my dad was not like that. He just wasn't wired for that. So when I did that, he never said he was sorry. You know, I wasn't looking for him to say he was sorry for what he's done and all this stuff. He a lot of blaming on other people. But, you know, I know I wake up in the morning, every morning, and know that I was able to forgive him. That's a huge weight off my shoulders. Not only off my shoulders, just a huge weight off my being that I didn't have that laying over top of me. And then when he passed away, I mean I would have had that over top of me for the rest of my life if I didn't take that opportunity. So it was it was a blessing. It really was.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

Remarkable.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

And not to switch the subject, I just want to go back to something you said. You said that, you know, in this society, it is very difficult for men to talk to each other. I feel myself as a lucky individual to have gotten into like counseling at the age I did, which was maybe four years ago. And so I think I have okay communication skills, at least with my wife and my family. But I do agree that, you know, in this society it is, I don't know, taboo for men to talk to each other. Why is that, from what you know?

SPEAKER_01 12:15

Oh, yeah. No, it's just back in the day, and when I say back in the day, when my grandparents, the greatest generation, they got up, they worked, they came home, they sat down, they ate dinner, they went to sleep. Repeat. And they did that. They provided for the family, no questions to ask, and mine was at home. There wasn't much room in there for communication. That was just expected of them. And then as we went through the next generation, the baby boomers, all of a sudden you have this breakdown in communication where the baby boomer generation realized that they didn't need each other to thrive, you know, to thrive in life. So the baby generation has three to four times higher divorce rates than any other generation, any other generation, because they really felt they could do it by themselves. So again, men kind of just held themselves back, didn't want to say anything, because, you know, with women gaining more freedoms and joining the workforce and everything like that, we would get labeled if we said anything, you know, to the contrary of like, well, I don't, what do I say? And then, you know, fast forward another toxic masculinity. Oh, it's it's it's if you're masculine and you unless you show your emotions, you're toxic if you don't. So we've been told by society that don't be toxic. But the reality is we were created in his image to be a man, and that's okay to be a man. And we're unapologetic about that. You know, um, we know that there men are created to be providers, but we also need to ask questions on how to be providers, and I think that's becoming less and less taboo nowadays that it's okay to talk to other guys, it's okay to ask questions. That doesn't mean you're weak. It just means you're trying to be stronger. I mean, guys are in big trouble right now. We look at the suicide rates right now in today's society, and it's four times that for men than it is of women. We look at the education gap where in the 1980s we started Title IX to bridge the gap between women and a men in college. Well, it was 13% higher for men, and and now we go 10 years to 1990, it was even. Now we've flipped that gap to a 16% higher gap for women in college than men, but people just kept on saying we need to push more women empowerment. And I have to say, we're not bad mouthing women whatsoever. It's not a total sum game. We need to continue to empower women and we need to empower men. It's not a one-sided thing. And I think just somewhere along the way, we stopped pushing for strong men. Also, you know, being religious, being a believer, a strong man is the foundation of a strong family. Data is showing us that when a dad takes his children to church, his children are more likely to go to church when they get older than when a mom takes them to church. It's just the facts are facts. So Fatherhood Foundation of Virginia makes sure that we bring these conversations to the forefront and have these conversations with people we need to have conversations with, but also provide the education we need so men can talk to other men and get stronger because we learn from each other. And that's the only way we're gonna get stronger, but we've got to be able to create spaces for men so they can talk. For instance, our new dad 101 class, which is a class four dads by dads before the baby's born, no women are allowed. And I've been asked, can a woman sit in on this class? I said, absolutely not. Because once you put one woman in a room, it changes the entire dynamic of the room. And you're not gonna ask questions that you would. It's like sitting around a fire. Your wives come and sit next to y'all, or you're gonna say some comment? No, you're not going to because you're like, okay, got to be filtered. Can't be the guy I want to beat right now. So we're creating those spaces for dads to talk about that and just to learn from each other.

SPEAKER_04 15:57

What's been the reception by the public for creating these spaces? And I imagine you probably see all ends of the spectrum.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Oh, uh everything. I've been called a bigot, uh sexist, homophobic. I've been called all of the worst things. But then on the flip side, I've been called, this is awesome. We need this so much. What can we do to help? So it's both sides. And the sad thing is that fatherhood has become political. And this is not a political issue. Fatherhood is a family issue. There should be no political issue about this. But when you mention fatherhood in certain places, you're like, well, what are you doing for mom? And I said, Well, you know, there's plenty of organizations out there for mom, there's not many for dads. And we we're still trying to get there. Like, we don't get a lot of grant money from a lot of grant places because if you look at certain places, they have underneath family, they have categories, and and those categories, maternal health, child well-being, maternal postpartum, depression, and illness and sicknesses and all that stuff. And I'm just like, okay, where's where's dad? Dad's not in there at all. So we're starting to see a turn because the data is showing that men are being kind of left behind. So how do we get men back on the playing fields where we can both thrive, both women and men?

SPEAKER_03 17:14

Where are men finding your organization? Kind of where where is the the marion, if you will, of um, you know, if there's a father to be, how are they learning about your organization and how are they getting to you?

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Well, father to be is through mom. Honestly, most of our advertising is done in the hospitals, and mom's the ones that are going to the hospitals. But the reality is in the communities we really need to serve, mom's not talking to dad about that. So that's what we're having to address. It's going to have to be a change in culture for women to say, hey, we need dads in the lives of their children. Number one. Number two, we see a lot of dads coming to us when they need help to seek custody of their children or going through a divorce. So when they're in kind of the mode of desperation, sadly, that's when they seek us out. Very few times, but we are seeing it more and more. Dads just wanting to be better dads, period. And we are the only fatherhood organization that's across the state of Virginia that covers the entire state. So if you literally type in dad Virginia or Fatherhood Virginia or Virginia Dad or anything, we're the first one that pops up. So just organically, we definitely say this. We are one of Virginia's best kept secrets. We want to change that. We look at our life cycle as an organization, and there's five stages. Number one and two are name recognition and getting people to come to your site or getting people to learn more about who you are. Three, four, and five is that three is signing up for something, four is becoming active, and number five is becoming a champion. Once they get to the organization, three, four, and five are easy because dads just have pride in being dads. But one and two, still not a lot of people know about us. So that's the one thing that, you know, doing these kind of things or just being at golf tournaments or being present at anything or doing basketball games or wearing crazy pants or crazy jackets, you know, people are gonna watch this and they're gonna be like, that guy in the jacket, they're gonna remember the jacket. So I wear a lot of crazy pants. A lot of I wear a lot of jackets, but they remember that. They're like, There's a are you the John Daly of fatherhood? Well, I'd I'd like not to think I'm I drink that much and play golf that much, but yeah, just the outfit. Just the outfits, yes. I mean I'm in way too many of his pants. So I will say the loudmouth pants are a favorite of mine. So so yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:30

Can you talk about, and I'm clearly self-concerned when I asked this question, but the concept of work-life balance, work-life integration? I have found personally it's a constant battle in the sense of feeling like I'm not doing enough at work, not doing enough at home, and just never finding peace with that. What I mean, how has your foundation grappled with that issue? Because I imagine it's fairly common with fathers.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Oh, it's the biggest issue we have, and that where dads are just trying to figure it out. And good dads are being good dads, regardless. I mean, you'll see dads who are will wake up in the morning, get their kids to school, go to work, and then they come home and they coach baseball at night, and then by the time they actually sit down, they're exhausted. But you also, you know, you spend time with the wife and spend time with mom and love on her. So the work-life balance is tough, but you as I've gotten older and as of talking to older men, work and wait. You know, work and wait. And I know you had there's deadlines, you've got to have that, but there's also you got to look back at it. I know my third son is getting ready to go off to college. My first two are already in college, and then we have one more at home, and he's getting ready to graduate next week. And I said, Man, where did that go? And did you always question, did I do enough? Did I spend the time enough? Did I prepare him for what's next? As I've gotten older, you're not gonna get this time back. So if you value your time of making that dollar or you value that time making those memories, the dad has to really put that on himself. That's like, you know what? I'll find the time to do something else. That's why, well, when I am working out, if my coach is watching this, um, I'll be back. Um the work out at 5 30 a.m. in the morning, because it's the time I get that, because that's my time that I I really get to work out there, but then you know, you go to work, get everything done, you prioritize what's important in life. And the older that I've gotten, the more I've realized, and the more I tell other dads this that you know, life goes way too fast. My mom passed away just two weeks months ago. There's so many things you could have done, could have, would have done. So, what's more valuable? That bottom line that you were able to buy a nicer car or the time you got to spend with your child. So it's just putting into perspective. I always say it's better to spend it with a child.

SPEAKER_04 21:48

What are some of the the organization classes, trainings, like what does it offer?

SPEAKER_01 21:54

Well, our our flagship class is New Dead 101. It was created during COVID. We were doing big Bootcamp for New Dads, which is a national program which is in hospitals across the United States. And when COVID hit, we started doing them online. Well, they said you can't do it online. It's an in-person class. I said, okay, so I grabbed all of my facilitators and we took pieces of Bootcamp for New Dad, but we took things that we've learned through the years by teaching that and made it all into one curriculum. And that's why we say it's a class for dads by dads. You could teach the class now of having a two-year-old, and I could teach a class having a 21, 20, 19, and 15-year-old. And it's the same curriculum, but your class is going to be completely different from my class, and that's the beauty of it. And what's even better is when we get new ideas and new things that we hear, we add it. So that's the beauty of that class. There's no right answer because we're not teaching clinical stuff. We're teaching from lived experiences. And that's the most valuable experience a dad can have. So we do that, number one. Number two, we have classes. Tonight we have a class going on with one of our partners, the Virginia Marriage Initiative called Baby Makes Three. So it's talking about the relationship of mom and dad, now that there's a third one, you know, because before it was mom and dad, they would love your life. Now both of you are second instantaneously, which is the way it should be. So how do you, how do you work with that new normal? We have classes that we go into rehab centers. One of them just the facilitators picked up certificates where we teach dads called 24-7 dad, which is helping those dads reconnect with their children, have those strong relationships so they don't fall back into that addiction. We have classes, which is the fastest growing class right now, is our inside-out dad class where we go into the jails and teach men while they're incarcerated. So when they get out, they don't go back into that same system that got them in there in the first place, that they have connections, they have a relationship with mom, they have the relationship with their children that keeps them out. We have online classes called Profothering 15. We have online classes that work with high conflict co-parenting. We know that we can't be everywhere across the state. So we are a small staff, but the thing is, is I will train anybody anywhere across the state and I will pay them to teach the classes anywhere across the state, and that's been very successful for us. So although we only have four staff members, we have 10 facilitators that are reaching the entire state. So our reach is instead of just paying four people to teach all these classes, we're paying four people to make sure we get to all the places across the state and then teach people to teach those classes and then pay them. So we found that to be extremely, extremely helpful. And then we also do marriage and relationship coaching. I actually just married a couple this past weekend, which is the very first time I've done that, which is awesome. So, you know, there's nothing taboo again about getting coaching, counseling. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not saying you have a problem and saying, hey, I want to strengthen this because I might have some things that have affected me in the past. So I want to move on from there to the future, and how do I do that better? So we want to be the one place, the one-stop shop, the dad's go. And if we don't have the answer, we want to find the answer.

SPEAKER_04 25:02

And definitely second, trying to get rid of the stigma with the coaching and counseling and all that. I mean, I say this all the time, but like our kids, I mean, we put them into what do you call swim camp, my kid, jujitsu instruction, soccer, all that. They got their coaches there. Our business, we've got consultants, coaches, all types of stuff, right? Yet the idea that for an individual to go and try and become a better dad or a better person, for that to be taboo is kind of ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

We said it all the time. Like we literally go to marriage shows and I set up a tailgate with beer pong and TV and football playing in the back. And it says, the relationship coach, make your relationship the goat. Because I'll ask these new couples who either in Lila land, they're like so, you know, rainbows and skittles and everything like that. And I said, How long have you been preparing for this wedding? They're like, We've been doing this for like six, seven, eight months. And I said, How long have you been preparing for the days after that? They're like, I really haven't thought about that. I'm like, wow. Okay, so you're preparing six months for one day, but you've never talked about the rest of your lives together. So um, we definitely encourage the coaching because I always make the joke, I said, What do Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, and Michael Phelps all have in common? Yeah. They were the greatest, but they all had coaches. So why not have a coach in something that's supposed to last they're gonna retire. Why not have a coach in something especially last lifetime?

SPEAKER_02 26:26

An honorable mention, I read a book. I'm not gonna say I read it before we got married, definitely not. I read it well into our marriage, uh, but it helped. It's called This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Frey. And it's it's a really good book. It's a really good book. He talks about how his marriage ended and why. And but he is a relationship coach and he he really dove into it and puts it in perspective and teaches you how not to mess up like he did.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Right. Well, we always say there's one book that you need to read if you haven't done it and you need to read it. It's called The Five Love Languages. And all of us are loved differently.

SPEAKER_04 26:59

I like physical touch.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

Yeah, physical touch is mine. That's my number one. Hey, hey man, here with you, brother. Here with you. But no, it's physical touch, words of affirmation, um, quality time, acts of service, and gift giving.

SPEAKER_04 27:11

I do dishes, a lot of dishes.

SPEAKER_01 27:12

There you go. And so my wife's quality time. So if I wanted to make her happy, giving her jewelry, yes, she'll love that. But if I said, hey, why don't we go out and spend some time together? That's going to fill up what the he costs your love tank a lot quicker than a piece of jewelry. A jewelry will be great, but they'll put it in the box to forget about it. But that quality time, remember when we were together that night? Yeah, I do. That was awesome. But each person is loved in their own way, and there's a book called Five Love Languages for Men, and it kind of makes it 101 for guys, so we can kind of get it through our skulls. Like, okay, this really does work. You can go online and take it. And I've actually met the author, Gary Chapman, he spoke for us years ago, got to go up and spend the day with him, and he said, you know, it's it changed a lot of lives. And it's written in multiple languages across the world, and it's the go-to book that I say, hey, before you start anything, know each other's love language because you can love on your wife as much as you want to, but if you're not doing it in the right language, you just, you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:07

I imagine there's also some benefit in knowing your own, too, right? Because I mean, how do you want to spend your time and make sure you fill your own cup?

SPEAKER_01 28:13

And it's okay to say, you know, uh, I'm not feeling loved right now. And, you know, having those conversations with your wife. It's not stupid. If you know the way you need to be loved, talk to each other because mom's gonna say it, your wife's gonna say it to you. I I just don't feel like I've been loved the right way or been noticed the right way in these past few. That's okay. That's that's very healthy. As we say, as Dr. Gottman, who has a love lab, he said, you know, have the floor. And it's just a piece of paper. And what you do is you hand it to your wife, and when she's talking, you listen. You don't try to say something back in response. They say the average time a person actually listens before they jut in and say something is 13 seconds because you're always thinking about what you're gonna say next. So what if we just actually took the time to say, okay, you have the floor, I'm gonna listen straight to you. Then she gives the floor back to you and literally says, Okay, here's what I hear you saying. Is this right? When you're intentionally listening, it goes a lot further. So there's there's a lot of things where coaching really does help. And honestly, it helps you not just with your relationship, it helps you with your kids, it helps you with your job. You know, the simple thing of like cell phones in your pocket. I don't know how they came up with this, but you are 34% more likely to have a more successful conversation if nobody sees your cell phone. This also might have been the same person that says 73% of all statistics are made up. It might be that guy. But it's they say that putting a cell phone away and just giving your undivided attention, actually talking to people really helps. So, bottom line, being a dad is not just being a caregiver, not just being a provider. It's also being in relationship with your wife and your kids or with mom and your kids. For a lot of the guys that we work with, they're not married. And we want to help you wherever you are in your journey to be the best dad, best co-parent, best husband you can be. So that's our goal.

SPEAKER_04 30:00

Apart from the training and the courses, coaching, all that, do you guys have community events, or there are get-togethers, or things of that nature?

SPEAKER_01 30:07

Oh, yeah. We, I mean, we are literally getting ready to jump right into June, which is Fatherhood Month. We have events planned the entire week before Father's Day here in Hampton Roads in Southwest Virginia. We have the UCrops 16th Annual UCrops Father Child Golf Tournament. We're taking it down to Hampton Roads, and we have the very first Dominion Energy Father Child Golf Tournament down there. We're doing Children's Museum in Virginia down in Portsmouth, where dads and their families get in for free. Center of the square, same thing down in Roanoke. We're doing the first 50 dads to the Chili Peppers game the day before Father's Day, get in for free with the free meal. We're doing all of that. We have our big event called uh the Father Figure, which is the reigning best charity event in Richmond, voted on by the Richmond Times Dispatch readers. And the one that I love the most by far is our event called Father Christmas, where we take nominations starting in October. And these are dads that you know are working hard, they're working two and three jobs, or they're just they're working their jobs, but they still come up short, or life happens and their car breaks down, or something like that happens. So what we do is we take those nominations, we choose 25 dads here in Central Virginia, 25 dads in Hampton Roads, and 25 dads down southwest Virginia, and we say it's a Santa visit. And at that Santa visit, Santa says, Hey, we see you, we respect you for what you're doing, and we want to say that we know you're a good man. And a lot of guys don't hear that. And then we proceed to give them $500 cash to use any way they can towards the holidays. So it takes that little weight off your shoulders because if you're making ends meet and all of a sudden Christmas comes along, you know it's coming every single year, but it's still, you know, how are you supposed to pay for Christmas trees, for recitals, for all the parties and everything else that goes with Christmas? And then on top of that, buy the trees, buy the presents, buy the food on when you're making ends meet. So where you're gonna get that extra from over the years, this will be our 11th year doing it. We have given away over $90,000 in cash, and we take care of all the presents for the kids. They don't have they don't have to use money on presents. They can use it on whenever they want to. And we've given away cars. And one of my favorite stories is we literally had a dad when we gave him the $500, he stayed after the event, came back, just he and I in this big room together, and he hugged me and he started crying, and he said, Because of this $500, I'm able to turn my lights on. I'm like, Yeah, that's the impact we're making. And just just past year down in Portsmouth, there was a gentleman who came and he had grease all over his hands. He was a mechanic, and you say, you know, we wanted to honor you tonight for being an amazing father. Thank you. You are seen, you are heard, we are here for you. Here's $500. He started crying, he hugged me. I'm in a Santa suit. I felled out really well. And he just hugs me, starts breaking down, and then the kids go and choose presents for them to take home. And I get an email in February from the wife saying, You don't know how much that meant to him to be honored. He went in there thinking that the gifts that his daughter wanted, he wouldn't be able to afford. They've been living in and out of housing and out of hotels down in Hampton Roads, just trying to make ends meet. And she said, Unfortunately, you know, thank you so much for making this the best Christmas ever. Unfortunately, he was underneath the car and had a massive heart attack and passed away. She's like, You made this the best Christmas we ever had. So it's things like that where you're just you're doing what's right because there's a lot of programs out there for people who don't make anything, but there's nothing out there for dads who are working their tails off, just try to provide, and they don't qualify for anything. So we really need to have a conversation at the government level to say, okay, well, is there a way where we can have some subsidies and have dads in the family as well and work together and get them out of poverty instead of just providing them with everything? And if dad comes in, they lose everything. Right. So we really need to start having those conversations because moms want dad in a relationship. The majority of the moms say we want dad in a relationship, but the reality is they have to make that very, very tough decision. Do I take the subsidies, which will ensure that we are taken care of, or do I try to stay with dad and we're not sure if we're gonna make the payments next month? It's a horrible predicament to put any family in. Unfortunately, a lot of communities and lower economic areas, moms have to make that decision.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

So, one question that I was thinking about when you said how people find you, how these dads find you, the dads that you mentioned are the good dads that organically find you. Is there a common denominator to those dads that you see often? Like what makes those dads good dads? And and my train of thought is somebody listening, you know, with your answer maybe resonates with them. They're like, Oh, you know what? I'm doing okay, you know.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

Oh, well, our last line of our new dad 101 class, the question is, what if I screw something up? And the answer that we say, you're going to just suck it up and bear it. The great dads will overcome and learn from their mistakes. The dads that, you know, are having trouble will insane. What's the definition of insanity doing the same thing again and again and expecting different outcomes? Those are the dads that are not getting it. So we're gonna screw stuff up, but we're gonna learn from them. And the great dads are the ones that learn from other dads and learn from other men to be like, uh, hey, I need some help in this and ask questions. There's no such thing as a perfect dad. And great dads can be look a lot different, whether you're in, you know, there are a lot of great dads in our economic communities that are working their tails off. And I look at them as heroes. Uh, one of the dads from Father Christmas years ago was actually, which is crazy, put up a tent in his front room, and he and his girls slept in that tent. Why? Their heat was cut off. So I'm sitting there thinking to myself, I'm like, I've never had it where I didn't have, you know, the heat. And I'm just blessed on a daily basis. And when I see dads that, you know, are doing that, sometimes I take a step back on myself and say, I got it pretty good. And then you have these dads that have everything, and then I'm sitting there thinking to myself, I'm like, man, I wish I had that. I wish I had that. I'm like, you know what? I'm blessed. I woke up this morning, woke up next to my favorite person in the world, and uh got to send my son off to school, and I'm pretty daggone lucky. So the dads that want more and more and more and more, I think those are the dads that sometimes just need to realize you you got everything you need, and it didn't cost you a daggone thing. No, it costs you to take care of them, but it didn't cost you anything to spend that time with them, and that's your children and your family and your wife. So um, yeah, there's not one perfect dad and one perfect dad that I see. Uh somebody would ask me, what's the diversity of the class? I said, I can have any class, and there's gonna be ten different diverse backgrounds, and each one doesn't matter what you look like, each one of us have a different dad story, and each one of us can learn from each other because uh he might have come from a very well-to-do family, but it might have been the worst family situation ever. And this other person came from barely had anything and had holes in their jeans, but they had that love and care, and it's not this, it's about this, you know. As we say, it's not the presence you give your children, it's your presence you give your children.

SPEAKER_02 37:12

What would your 16-year-old self think of you now?

SPEAKER_01 37:16

Oh, boy. Well, they definitely see me coaching, which uh it's wrapping up, which is sad to think that I'm now becoming a spectator for my sons, where I've coached them all the way up, and now, you know, it's kind of like, all right, just watch dad. So that would definitely be my 16-year-old self saying, you're definitely be coaching or doing something with sports. And I was blessed with four boys. So I've I've gotten into that all my life, which is amazing. Definitely working with kids. I knew at an early age I wanted to work with kids. And now I would say, Well, you're not working with kids, but Daggon, you're having a huge effect on kids. And then, you know, being that my dad was not there at the age of 16, my 16-year-old self would say, Good job being there for your kids. That's all good job being there for your family.

SPEAKER_03 37:57

What have you found most rewarding of the work you've done?

SPEAKER_01 38:02

I feel like I get to live my life through my job on a daily basis. There's never a typical day in the life of a nonprofit leader. There was literally one day when I woke up and like yesterday, I was doing a thing for the TV 8 News, and uh I was doing a spot for that, and then I went from there to the next meeting, which was talking about going to jail and teaching those classes, and then the next meeting I'm talking to a person, seeing if they'll give us money, and then so it's never the same thing on a daily basis. So there's not one thing, but I think that when that dad gets it, or you're able to make a difference now, dad's life, or when we're in jail, Pamunkey Regional jail, we were at a graduation, and the dad looked at the facilitator, she's like, I really think this class saved my marriage. Or when a dad looks at us and says, This is the best class I've ever taken, or when a dad just breaks down and just hugs you and is in tears. You know, there's just there's so many hard times getting there because funding fatherhood is a very tough, uh, tough thing. We're still not at the phase where mentor agencies, a big business will strike a check for a million dollars and say we need more mentors. And I'm like, uh, what if dads were to mentors and you put more money into doing that? You know, being proactive instead of reactive, why don't we do that? We're not there yet. We're nowhere near there yet. And it's giving to dad organizations, to men organizations, we're not all the way there yet. So we're 90% funded by individuals who believe in what we do. But I think seeing the change is the most exciting thing, seeing from where we were to where we are now, seeing the growth we're doing, but then just seeing the impact we're having, that's by far. When a man looks at you and said, You helped, I had a very small part in it. It takes a lot of people to make this happen. I'm just doing what I need to do with what the Lord has given us, because it's all his. And I know that on a daily basis, if I it's all his, and he's given us the resources to do this. And if I can use his gifts that he's given us to do for the better, that's a good day.

SPEAKER_03 40:06

And for those listeners who want to learn more about your organization and and maybe even give to your organization, where's the best place for them to find?

SPEAKER_01 40:14

Oh, well, like I said, you can go to search engine and putting dad in Virginia, you're gonna find us. Uh, we're the only one there, but it's vadad.org. It's that simple. We'd love for you to get involved. Somebody asked me, how have we grown this organization? I said one coffee cup at a time. I drink a lot of decaf. Um so uh, but yeah, no, that's vadad.org. You can go there and or just type in fatherhood in Virginia, and we're gonna be the first one that pops up. So love to treat you to a cup of coffee anytime, anybody. I love talking about fatherhood. I'll drive. We have a diaper van outside. It literally says dad's changed diapers to on the side of it, where we go into communities, give dads a month's supply of diapers, and that might be the only time they get to bring their children, and that might be the only time in those communities where the dad actually gets to see their child for that week. And then we offer them the resources. So that's one of those things where we can get them there, just they have to pull the trigger and do the next thing. So uh it's all found at vadad.org.

SPEAKER_02 41:06

You guys have a great setup.

SPEAKER_01 41:08

It's awesome. It's taking a while to get there, but we have a great support staff, great board, great volunteers, great members, but we need more. So please reach out to us. We'd love to get you involved. You can be a dad, a mom, it doesn't matter who you are, we'll put you to work. All right.

SPEAKER_04 41:23

Let's end with this. If there's one thing that you wanted all the or anybody listening to this to know, what is it?

SPEAKER_01 41:31

That dads are a vital part of a child's life. Bottom line. Kids need their dads. And I think that everything from right there stems you just work your way up. If a if a child has a dad in their life, they're gonna have better grades, they're gonna be more successful, they're gonna have less chance to go to jail, run in with the law, drop out of school. And mom is happier when dad's in the picture. Mom has less stress, has better support, is less depression. I mean, it's these are all proven things. But bottom line, kids need their dads. That's the one thing that if I can depress more of, and the more we can get dads with their kids, the better we're doing as a society.

SPEAKER_03 42:12

Awesome. And maybe even just starting by being president.

SPEAKER_01 42:15

Just being there. Just be there.

SPEAKER_02 42:18

All right. Well, Chris, thank you so much for joining us. This has been awesome.

SPEAKER_01 42:22

Thanks for the opportunity. Really appreciate your time. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 42:27

Thanks for listening to this episode of The People Who Make Virginia by Gray Broughton Injury Law. If we can ever be of help to you, give us a call at 877-VetsWin. That's 877-V-E-T-S-W-I-N.