Sema na mi basi

Love isn’t just about feelings, it’s about how we communicate them. By comparing two relationships, this episode explores emotional intelligence, conflict, and accountability and asks whether better communication could change everything.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:02

This episode contains sensitive content that may be triggering for some listeners. Listener discretion is advised.

SPEAKER_15 0:27

Previously, on off script. This other side says, oh yeah, we have this other side.

SPEAKER_04 0:46

Coming up on this episode, McKenna asked the students at the University of Nairobi the question that keeps people up at night. Is there something you wish you could say to your partner, but just haven't? We then tap and revisit raw moments from MTV Sugar Mashariki and Gen Free, where fiction hits close to home. And later, Mushina sits down with Brenda, who traces how silence in a relationship can slowly become something much more dangerous. Let's get started.

SPEAKER_15 1:23

This is Mushina Malomba.

SPEAKER_06 1:25

And the ever lovely Makada Kahoo! Ever lovely.

SPEAKER_15 1:31

Welcome to Screen Kudia Kwangalea Mamboya Map. I'm telling you. So you interrupted some students today when you came on.

SPEAKER_06 1:45

Hey, Moshina Chanekombi.

SPEAKER_15 1:47

What happened?

SPEAKER_06 1:51

That pisses you off. Do you know? Kunakiana hapa and at handiki wangu kitanda and a younger sketo mechafuka rokona is a makitu. Nika muniza girlfriend Yango, you know she's perfect. She's lovely. Beautiful girl. But Villa Natandikayo Kitanda. Imagine be a girlfriend Yankee. Why? Villa Shangasakitana Lazimikaya hotel in your two line.

SPEAKER_15 2:32

Also, me, I met with a beautiful lady Anita Vanessa. And we were talking about love and her relationship that she had before. This guy, I'll call a cheat on her. Nana Rudy. And I'm rudia, and I'm a kubala me cheat and I'm rudia.

SPEAKER_06 2:58

Because you are not a woman. Let me just tell you, as a woman, no, explain.

SPEAKER_15 3:14

I know you're supposed to live here this is a scenario. Honesty about you. At least you have told me the truth. What do you mean?

SPEAKER_06 4:11

Mimi Lakini means a summer to evi, eh? Twenty one. Come on, baby. Mimi love language, young be the truth. What are you saying? It's not over, please.

SPEAKER_15 4:23

My friend, you can weuki kwanaiki akilia even in that you can't.

SPEAKER_06 4:30

Oh, you pending.

SPEAKER_15 4:38

Because one of the things I think I realized from the conversation I had was the fact that the men will not want to get into a back and forth. Because the conversation, Sana. So for her, alkwa no, ah, it's so that I move on, right?

SPEAKER_06 4:52

Or maybe this guy was just like he wants an out. Maybe he wants an out. Is the girl do your worst?

SPEAKER_15 5:02

For me, you need to first of all be friends. Yeah. When you wanna come a marafiki.

SPEAKER_06 5:06

And the problem is usually these days we start in a reverse.

SPEAKER_15 5:10

We start with sex and then we build to a friendship. Relationship. What's your love language?

SPEAKER_06 5:16

Empesa. Wha's you exactly?

SPEAKER_15 5:21

My goodness.

SPEAKER_06 5:25

Okay, no, in this order. Empesa. Fast quality time. Physical touch.

SPEAKER_15 5:31

Where?

SPEAKER_06 5:32

Apo, um, she combine.

SPEAKER_15 5:37

Mine is is time. I think when I say manga love language, it's something that you miss growing up. Oh, I need time. I need to spend time with you, my dad. Oh, my dear. Now the words of affirmation. Guys, tell me you love me.

SPEAKER_06 5:50

I love you, Mosha.

SPEAKER_15 5:51

Yes, that is what actually like in a panyana juwana kupend. Uh that's for me. But so many men don't know how to express themselves in love. That's what you're doing. Are there issues, especially in communication with young people? One of the issues I feel like most young relationships have is they don't have open communication.

SPEAKER_06 6:13

Speaking of um conversations, one of the girls that I spoke to, Nika Mulisa, what's one thing that your partner does that you're not um that you've never brought up, but gets on your nerve? Akanyambia, that my boyfriend is so rude. And let me tell you, that really broke my heart because rudeness and someone who's not able to be kind is not something that anyone should sit down and tolerate. You know. And I asked her why do you feel like you're not able to bring it up? She's like, you know, I'm so scared of losing him. You know him is a last born. This is stemming from a fear of being alone.

SPEAKER_15 6:48

Of being alone, yeah. No, no.

SPEAKER_06 6:49

Maybe that is one of the reasons why she is not communicating the things that are not making her happy.

SPEAKER_15 6:55

We are curious to know why it is hard to have difficult conversations in relationships.

SPEAKER_04 7:03

Everyone's got a take. Let's see what the people have to say.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

Okay, what was me about my boyfriend? He's so rude. But simblem niven the last born. And all that's the effect you get after dating a last one.

SPEAKER_14 7:38

I'm dating someone who is, I don't know, dramatic and at some point becomes overreactive on some issues that that you can talk and solve. Then I brought it up and she was like, oh, no, then I'll dramatic and stuff.

SPEAKER_07 7:58

Pushing me to open up. Could spend time now. So Chelako na gal best friends, but you've never brought it up. Nimewai, like, oh, to Lijuana before, now siwataki, we know everything that's in any piece of when I bring up, I have to talk about it because I can't stay in a place in this comfortable.

SPEAKER_04 8:18

Sour. That's the vibe qua ground. Now, check this out. Here is a moment from Sugar Mashariki.

SPEAKER_09 8:34

I guess I figured it as I'm going to go a lot.

SPEAKER_10 8:38

Do you really think we broke up because I have a problem with you being positive? Did you even listen to anything I said?

SPEAKER_04 8:45

So let's get back into it. Heard anything on this episode that you want to talk about in a safe, private, and judgment-free space? Chat naosema Nami chatbot on WhatsApp, number ni 0758-919709. He ni one-on-one, take a listen.

SPEAKER_15 9:18

Ah, boy, I love it to a rebuttal.

SPEAKER_17 9:23

But yeah, I think I was young. I was so ready to find love. Having gone through a lot as a child, na stepfathers and all that, I was excited about meeting someone. I was excited about having to think of the future. I thought maybe that is going to be me. So yeah. We moved in too fast. We moved too quick. One minute we are dating, the next minute we are living together. Oh. And it was all great.

SPEAKER_15 9:51

Living together while in college? Yes.

SPEAKER_17 9:59

It was nice the first month, the second month. And then happened yokivumbi chanza. You see the way people come tell you, eh, this man is not good, something is happening. And then you try and bring yourself out of it, but you're so in love, you're like, no, we will make it. Every time you think of leaving Unasema, no, he will change. Oh he will change.

SPEAKER_15 10:23

My darling.

SPEAKER_17 10:25

Here is my brain.

SPEAKER_15 10:29

At that point, Unasema and as a change. You don't find out he's cheating.

SPEAKER_17 10:33

Yes. But then I kept convincing myself he will change. Oh my god. And equally he was like, baby, it happened this one time. And we talk about it, and he says, Nakupenda oh.

SPEAKER_15 10:44

Oh, so you confronted him?

SPEAKER_17 10:45

Yes, we did talk about it. He accepted it. He did.

SPEAKER_15 10:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_17 10:48

He did, and he said, no, it's never gonna happen again. It was a one-time thing. Everyone was drunk.

SPEAKER_15 10:57

What was Sema? Oh, Anome did not know how to communicate. Was your guy communicating to you? Was there a communication breakdown at any point?

SPEAKER_17 11:04

I talk to him and he says, okay, I hear you. And then it happens again, and then I try talking again, and then it's still the same thing. You talk, and at times it got so bad that he would get angry when I try and communicate how I feel. It got to a point of abuse at some point. Anytime you try and bring these things up. And when you try and equally talk to your friends about it, someone tells you, oh baby girl, just go back. And you know, as girls, you try and still, even when you're told something una derivu k shikilia, anakasi rika ku may later, uhring up it's war in the house. At a very young age, you don't know where to run to. You're trying something.

SPEAKER_15 11:50

So sometimes some men on a kwanale shide able to express themselves. Yeah? Yeah. Na, in certain situations like, wanna cheat on you. Yeah. Uki confront. I am surprised Ali kwambi uquili. Because some men will not even want to talk about it at a pushover. What do you think Alikuana yo uraisi waku communicate nawe?

SPEAKER_17 12:10

I think that was the only way. You see, when you tell someone, kama sahi, ikiku ya nikwambia, or nafanya hi, you think if you tell me the truth, I'll listen and understand, and I'll actually try and make it work. And I believe that is what most people do. Una kubali n dio ya ishe. Actually, mummasatasimaivo. Kubali ya ishe. That is exactly what happens. So you just kubali, we talk about it and move on. So zile zilezi mempressia hataki kwongele and yosasaya yakuavita.

SPEAKER_15 12:37

So it's like an escape.

SPEAKER_17 12:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_15 12:39

To not communicate. Definitely. Why is why do you think communication is so hard for men to communicate, or for your man?

SPEAKER_17 12:46

For my man, I would say one thing that kept him with me, or that is how I felt only years later I came to feel that was the case, he stayed. I was always the financer. So who you baby girl attender mali, but in Tamtesa veny an attacker. So every time you would want to leave, the sweet words come and you you're brought back.

SPEAKER_15 13:07

And of course you're young, you're 19, you're naive. Did you get to finally leave this guy?

SPEAKER_17 13:12

Oh, thank God I did. I want to know the story. How did that happen? Oh, I actually involved family. There's this one time I just felt like everything was crumbling. Yeah. And sadly, I actually also got a baby in the relationship. I have a little man. It's me at it. No, on his part. On his part. For him, he missed out on that. I actually got a baby, and my mom, I talked to my aunt and my mother, and my mother was like, I understand you're in that kind of situation, but you're that kind of person. I believe you will do it. I believe you can make it even out of that situation. My mom really encouraged and told me that I will be able to raise the baby with or without the man. And I got the energy and I got the strength to just do it on my own. It's not easy. Right now I am in a relationship. Yeah. A healthy relationship, I would say.

SPEAKER_15 14:06

Yeah. The communication is much better.

SPEAKER_17 14:08

It is. Anytime I'm feeling down, I would address it, and then to take her to Yonge Lele, and you lise what made me feel like that. What can I do better to help you feel better about it? And honestly, it feels good to be in a healthier relationship. It feels good to be with someone you can talk to, someone you can make a best friend out of.

SPEAKER_15 14:31

So show me it is good to be loved.

SPEAKER_04 14:36

This is the off-script podcast. Hiya, back to the convo.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

I feel like um Shinda, most of us grew up without having parents who allow you to communicate, and those skills were not developed from childhood. It is hard at adulthood for people to express themselves through speech. They might express themselves through silence because it's what they've grown up with.

SPEAKER_08 15:00

Personally, I think it's the fear of being judged by others in this way. Let's say Mimi Kasanoya, we are dating. Then I can't have an open conversation with him. Basically, because I know I end up break up. But then I get into another relationship. And maybe that's in the span of three months. So I've moved to another relationship. We also have an issue. I'm afraid of talking because I know we'll break up. Okay, say we talk, then I break up. Then I move to another relationship. You get? So nitakuana jajuwa wuna panda kuangia no anda unacha nanganawa. You get yes. Romantic relationships, but just relationships as friends is um tending to be a people pleaser. You can't be open to tell people uja and fresh up because you're afraid uta damage the relationship or something like that.

SPEAKER_06 15:45

Yeah, there's a baby money to look at and I asked her about her boyfriend, and she told me anytime my boyfriend pisses me off, I tell you immediately you also create the space for him to be able to ask. And she was like, um, um, he's only told me once, so I don't know. And I'm like, is it once because you've only wronged him once, or is it once because this isn't created that space for him to openly say that I don't like this, I don't like this, I don't like this. She's like, um, I don't know. I can't have holidays. So yeah, maybe that is also one thing we can ask ourselves. Like, do we feel like we've created the space where we can also be corrected?

SPEAKER_08 16:25

Okay, personally, for me, with my relationships with friends, just saying singles, I haven't created the space, let me not lie. Um, me willem to meny uki niambia issue, the first thing nita fi the first thing nita firiya ni, that's my shortcoming. I'm not perfect. Jinni, you get. So I haven't created that relationship. But then at the same time, I like someone who is so forthright. Nikiya niambie. In as much as it's a ni affect, just tell me. No, see niambia uki sugarcoat. Niambia vile iko. That's why I can understand it. But then when you turn to sugarcoat, ni to understand your sugar. I won't understand your point, you guys. Yes. So I haven't created this first, but I'm learning to. I've actually been taught that by Teria, my work partner. And and also, I like someone who is forthright.

SPEAKER_15 17:11

So, one of the things I think I've realized from what she has said, you know, as a person, okay relationship, I think you get to learn a lot about yourself. When you're with someone, you get to learn so much about yourself. It's like a mirror. It's reflecting onto the mistakes you do. And it's good to take accountability. It goes a long way. Like in the egos na kwanga sote you. We always want to fight in relationships.

SPEAKER_06 17:37

And in a sexual relationship, the mistakes are a bit higher. Oh, yeah. So maybe it might be a bit harder to communicate then, other than a friendship.

SPEAKER_15 17:50

Why is it easier for you to call out your friend than in a romantic relationship?

SPEAKER_06 18:04

Anyone who can answer that for that.

SPEAKER_12 18:08

I think I'll use a practical example. I am an SRHR advocate. So in the course of my work, I asked men, would you tell your girl if she's smelling down there? And then somebody asked me back, how would you react if I told you that as my girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah, so it got me thinking of my man has told me that uh my hygiene is wanting. How would I take that? And I won't lie, it would binge if he said that. I would feel very embarrassed. But again, truly realize it stems back to your self-esteem as a person. Before what you are date, what were you evaluated? Now we're in a state to date. Roger, not everyone is in a state to date. So look into yourself, deeper self-esteem. You are not that mistake. Which now makes me want to ask this question.

SPEAKER_06 19:02

What is more important in a relationship? Is it love? Is it safety? Is it kindness? Is it honesty? Like ni nini ni important kabisa.

SPEAKER_15 19:13

Kama Kidiana and Bai have been in a relationship for the last 12 years. I think communication is very important. All these other things, of course, that being honest with one another, but to communicate, it's I think one of the most important things in relationship. And what I've I've realized also is we are a team. Me and you, it's not like we are fighting each other. Yeah. We are fighting a mistake.

SPEAKER_06 19:32

Yeah. At the end of the day, Tuneza kwa, we are just the two of us in this relationship. But what you don't remember is me minika. I'm a representation of my relatives. Yeah. So sometimes, ukiniambiya, I mushina. It feels like you're now not attacking me or my behavior. It feels like you're attacking my other being, my nini. So some things are just too close to us. Tuneza shindwa kuzi correct. The best way to do is move away kidogo from the situation, remove yourself and then look at it from third party. And then usivkira kama mimini, nafkiria. Inge kwamakenaka situation a kona na nina na nina inafanika. What would that be my opinion? And then also I've realized Villa Tumongeley speaking up and communicating in a relationship.

SPEAKER_09 20:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 20:20

From the conversations here, I think Zina stems from two things. Yeah? Upbringing.

SPEAKER_15 20:25

It's trauma how people brought up. Yes, brought up.

SPEAKER_06 20:29

Again, Mushina, guess what you did not grow up seeing? We learn how to find a missionary. But guess what? Now you know. So to see when I excuse. I didn't see my parents talking. Teach yourself because now you're an adult.

SPEAKER_15 20:42

Yeah, you unlearn and learn youth.

SPEAKER_06 20:44

Now we cannot say I wasn't taught this. Just know what is my weakness. Now Shindo Kujibonga kwa relationship. Take steps towards it.

SPEAKER_15 20:52

Take responsibility.

SPEAKER_06 20:53

Take accountability for you.

SPEAKER_15 20:56

So we need to unlearn those behaviors, and learn those traumas. Maybe we'll be at a therapy side here. Yeah. So that we can be able to be good for one another.

SPEAKER_06 21:03

And even talk to bots. If you can't afford therapy, you can access a bot, talk to the boat to communicate. Sindo boys of Ungwero Hosao, girls of Unguero Hosa. I like that.

SPEAKER_15 21:15

And we be open to openly to see any relationship.

SPEAKER_06 21:21

Love is a beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_15 21:22

Oh, it is, my girl. Like this has been off script.

SPEAKER_04 21:28

Coming up next on offscript.

SPEAKER_15 21:30

I want to know how do we build a future?

SPEAKER_04 21:52

Off script is brought to you by Sugar Global. Heard anything on this episode that you want to talk about in a safe, private, and judgment-free space? Chat Naosema Nami chatbot on WhatsApp. Number Ni 0758-919709.