What Kind of Digital Parent Are You?

Jordan and Yassi are back, and the feedback from listeners was loud and clear (yes, it's  "snacks" people!). In Episode 3, the moms get real about digital parenting privilege, screen time guilt, and the moments that make you rethink everything, like a chance encounter at a nail salon that put it all into perspective.

Then they dive into FOSI's Five Digital Parenting Archetypes quiz: are you a Firewall, a Mentor, a Systems Designer, an Explorer, or a Co-Pilot? The duo works through the questions live, disagrees on almost every answer, of course, and promises to reveal their final results next episode.

Also, this episode: the podcast officially has a name and a clever solution for when guests come to visit.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Yassi, welcome back. Thank you. We got lots of feedback. Oh my goodness. Lots of feedback on snacks versus not snacks.

SPEAKER_01 0:17

It was snacks, people, snacks, things you eat. S N A C K S Snacks, as my husband says. Where is he from? He's Persian, but grew up all over. So that's a long conversation. It sounds like a New York, no? Did he hit Queens? I don't know. He loves Sopranos, so that's a lot of. And good fellas.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

So he has a lot of those influences when he talks about that. Next episode. Next episode. We'll come back to it. We have a junior podcast producer in the audience today. Supgirl. To try and keep us on tap because one of the feedback that we did get was. I mean, we said the same thing though. We don't stay on track. We don't, but that's that's just our charming. The honesty about physical parenting and digital parenting. Like my kids have been asking me to set up this next playground for a hot minute. Like, when did we get those? And it's still sitting on the countertop. And I was like, don't worry, I'll set it up. They have already written thank you notes to Steven for the next playground. I have not brought the thank you note. I have not set up the next. You know why? Because I'm tired.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Look, I didn't even think about a thank you note. That's a brilliant idea. I didn't think of it either. You know who did? My son. Oh, Angel. He's just Well, to be honest, I have this next playground kind of sitting off to the side. So my son hasn't even seen it. I was supposed to take it to the beach house. You didn't take it. My back was killing me. I didn't go. I had to cancel it. Okay. Yeah. Really? This weekend. Real life. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Yes. So I want to acknowledge something that one came up in news articles, but also in our feedback from our fellow parents. And just want to acknowledge 10 listeners. I know. 10 listeners. To just acknowledge the fact that we are not here as one, as like subject matter experts. We're not the people on the research team. We're not the program specialists. We're not the policy team. We are here as people that work at the Family Online Safety Institute alongside these very smart, educated people who are doing really cool, thoughtful, engaging things to make sure our kids are safe online and our whole the whole family experience is a good one online. And we happen to be parents. Exactly. Just as you do the same for your kids in the physical parenting world. And we're just here to say that we get it. It's hard.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

A lot of us have time. A lot of us don't have time. A lot of us don't know what to do with that time. And it's a lot. Some people are like, no, no screens. But then do we ever think about the people who don't have the luxury to not have a screen?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Because we have a privilege. We've truly quickly shifted from it's a privilege to have screens in every single room. And then all of a sudden the pandemic happens. And like you need it for school, you need it for a distraction. You need it to be able to work from home while your kids are also doing school from home. And then now all the schools have screens, and it's like, wait, you know, people throwing out this, you know, mmm, I'm gonna say it, unintelligent, not critically thought out thing that Gen Z is not doing as well as the generation before them and blaming it purely on the screen. Not including the additive things of like world events. I mean, everyone's stressed. I mean, no one really wants to go out anymore. We were talking about this on our first episode. Like the loneliness epidemic is a really big thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

And or just the human interactions of learning from a teacher and then having discourse in a classroom face to face with people, and then also reading nonverbal body cues, communicational cues. Yeah, that's really important. I totally agree with you. But yes, we do have a privilege in being able to have screens galore in our homes, or also the privilege of time that we can spend with our children and turn off the screens. Some people don't have that luxury. And so we want to recognize that that we realize we're coming from, you know, a very unique place of privilege and we do not take that lightly. But at the same time, we want to be thoughtful and meaningful of giving hopefully all perspectives.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Yeah, and I want to take this time to just say that, like, we're gonna give you all time to know us as episodes go on, to know like how Yahtzee's household is set up, how mine is set up, and like privilege, not privilege. It's just life. That's just that's our situation. Take what you can from it. You're more than welcome to judge us or like call us out when we have like very, but we're being our uh our authentic selves. We're not trying to put ourselves on a pedestal. We're not trying to play the like parenting uh oppression Olympics or anything like that either. You know, it's just it's real, it's hard, it's frustrating.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

And if you have recommendations on how we can do better, by all means, because I'm always trying to do that. No, I do. I mean, Gianna's feedback was real.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

She was like, I don't like you guys sometimes listening to this, like that you have the time to do X, Y, and Z. And it's like, you're right. I don't did not acknowledge that fact. While I'm listening to her thoughtful feedback, I'm walking into a nail salon that has a sign that says no kids, no outside food either, which is just like is wrong. Like, I'm here during my lunch break. I also need to eat, right? So there's mom of three. She looks gorgeous but stressed. I mean, she is. She's there for the nails, the feet, the eyelashes, the eyebrows. I mean, mom is trying to get ready for the weekend, and the world is telling her that her children cannot be there. So she's got a bang, borrow, and steal with the lady at the front desk and be like, listen, I don't have childcare. School is out today. Yeah. I'm off today. I need you to let my children sit in the waiting room. All of them have screens. They're maybe guessing between 12 and the youngest one had to be barely three. And you know, the little ones, like you give them a screen, and then after a while, it's just like it's too much. Ten minutes in. Yes. There they want to know where mommy is. They want to know what mommy's doing. They're also hungry. Yes. Snacks, snacks to eat. My goodness. Um, so it's a lot. And she brought to my awareness, I stopped her, and I just, you know, you you have to. I want everyone listening to this to just, when they see, especially mom, when they see mom out, you know she's had it. She's doing her best. She is. Go and be like, you got it. Okay. Even if she doesn't want to hear it from you at that moment, she will thank you later.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Because I've gotten sniffy with people or be like, don't worry, mom, it'll be okay. Like, will it, will it be okay in the Home Depot parking lot while I'm getting hit with a shoe? Like, what is that? You know what I mean. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

I know exactly what you mean.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

It's it's embarrassing. So, like, you now you're like pointing out the fact that you're watching me struggle and you're like, you got it, mom. Like, go away. You know, like the shoe. Listen. Was it dirty? Time was it dirty? It was a mess. I can't. Anyway, we had both had a long day. Don't remember why we were in Home Depot, but I love that. Anyway, I went over and said, you know, you got this. And she was like, Thank you so much. I was like, if I could help, I could, I would like, what do you need? And she's just like, briefly talk to me, uh, won't share the conversation. But I did tell her what I did for work. Yeah. Uh, because she asked, not because I'm from DC, and that's just what oh, we oh, I do this, blah, blah, blah. You know, not stuffy, but my identity. Yes. My other, I'm not important to anything. And while we're on a work podcast, yes. Um, I I I told her and she said, I love that. Please remember, don't judge me. And that's like, you know, why is that the first thing that we think of as parents is like, please don't judge me when I'm about to be honest.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Because there's so much guilt around screen time in children, sadly. Like, we feel as if it's such a bad thing to not to give the screens, which I get, I totally understand. Because you feel like there should be constant interaction with the child, but come on, it's we need to break to mentally.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

It's bad. But like she said, don't judge me. Yeah. But like, what else am I supposed to do when I'm trying to go to the nail salon? I said exactly what you did. Yeah, you did just because if this was what, 30 years ago, they would have just been climbing off the walls. Yeah. And it just would have had to be okay. And you know what? In that time, in that culture, we would have let it slide because what else is she supposed to do, right? And like the people at the nail salon, they're being so nice. Because there are some parents who take advantage of community places like the nail salon. And they'll just bring their kids, no screens, no nothing. They won't say anything. I know it's hard, but it's a give and take. If the village is saying, hey, we'll help you out, you gotta help the village too.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

100%.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

You know, but she brought into the perspective of please remember that there are some kids who cannot go out and play. So telling kids to put down the phones, put down the screens, and go out and play, she was like, Where? I don't have a park. Geography. I don't have a park. And if I let my kids run out and play, they're in a parking lot. That's not safe. Absolutely. And then who's gonna watch them? There's because I'm working. Well, there's that, but it's also like you just never know somebody's environment. Not everybody lives in a suburbs with a gate and all this other stuff. Where you don't lock your doors in the country. That's I you don't have to because no one's coming around if you have like five acres of land. Well, I don't understand who people who don't lock their doors. That's like a whole nother conversation that we need to tie to like cybersecurity in some type of way, just so we can't like honest conversation about why do you have a lock if you don't use it? It makes no sense. But anyway, fair though, geography. Yes. I just want to shout out the mom who brought that into my perspective. It's not that I did not know, it's just you don't think about you, you don't think about those things that like when I can just turn off the TV and say it's nice outside, go play. There are kids that their entire world is the screen because that's the safest thing for them to do. And that's why our work is so important, so that they can have the same equivalent experience to a certain extent online that they would if they could just go out and play and not be bothered by strangers, environment. I mean, whatever the world has to offer triggers, even the young kids these days. And I also in the past two weeks had a conversation with really good friends of mine saying that their nephews' only friends are on the game that he plays. And I don't remember the name of the game. I would shout them out for like because they're so far away from each other, that's the only way they can play. No, he can't make friends at school. His only friends are the ones that he's made on the game, and he's 10. So, like when you cut him off from that, that's his entire world. So, like, yeah, he's gonna be upset when you tell him like it's time to turn this off. It's the equivalent of telling him he literally has to go back to being isolated every single day. He's isolated until he can talk to his friends. It's sad. So, anyway, just keep that into perspective when you think about criticizing moms who are just handing screens to their kids. Like parents, I'm sorry, I keep saying moms because why moms get itched done. But anyway, I just want that to be acknowledged and thought about in a more thoughtful way before we judge. So now that we are going to stay on track, we were talking about a quiz last time. Uh digital parenting quiz. But before I do that, yeah, we have an official name. Go for it.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

Moms off mute. Yes! Woohoo! I love that.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

We we went back and forth a lot a few times. My boss is giving us a thumbs up. Yes. I I hope he approves. He approves. Um, he actually did not. I'm gonna throw him under the bus again. He did not want to be. He didn't like moms off mute. He wanted between two moms. I know, yeah. Yes, you and Deja and we're the only two. You didn't vote.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Well, because I wasn't going, I'm part of this. I don't care. Oh, you would have to do that.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

I mean, I do care, but we're between two moms.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

No, real.

SPEAKER_00 12:42

Okay, well, anyway. I liked both. I like moms off mute and between two moms. So I think the compromise because Leona's brilliant. Shout out to our fellow. She said, why don't we name it mom's off mute? But when we have a guest, they'll sit right in between us, and the segment will be called Between Two Moms, Moms Off Mute. You know how, like in different parts of like the episodes. I know, right? Isn't that great? Because it's like the sofa is the fancy green. It's like it'll be on it'll be on point. So yeah, I like that. I think we'll do that.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

To be clear though, we're gonna need a bigger couch for someone to sit in between us. No, we're not shoulder to shoulder on them. That's the whole point. Oh, goodness. Between two moms. Could you imagine Steven sitting here between us?

SPEAKER_00 13:24

He'll be like, oh it'll be uncomfortable, but it'll make us sure that we get to the point.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

But now, quiz.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Yes, we need to get to this quiz. Talk about this quiz for us. So, what was the inspiration for it? There was no inspiration. We're on a force podcast and we need to talk about things.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

I know earlier you were mentioning to me that it was based off of five types of digital parents. Oh, yes, yes, thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

So there's five types of digital parents. Yes, because this isn't about being good or bad, it's about default instincts in digital life moments. Okay. I love that. What are just for just for disclaimer, this was curated by AI. This is not something that we came up with. Like, there's no scientific fact. This is just for fun. All right. Uh, it's protector, teacher, structurer, explorer, or collaborator.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

And though, based on that, the five digital archetypes are the firewall, the mentor, the systems designer, the explorer, and my favorite, the co-pilot.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

Oh, that's nice.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

The co-pilot sounds like the privileged one who has time to spend all day with their child.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

So, what I'm gathering here is this is a 10-question quiz, and we're going to answer however way that we both feel. Yep. And then it'll tell us what type of a digital parent we are based off of this person.

SPEAKER_00 14:48

Give yourself one point for each archetype tied to each answer. Okay. So we'll just read them and I'll put it in here, and by the end of this, we can just say what we are, and then we'll go from there. Sounds great. Okay. Your child asks for a new app everyone uses. You usually, A, first look at privacy settings, messaging features, and data collection. B, talk about why they want it and what healthy use would look like. C check whether it fits your existing family tech roles. D, try it together for a few days and learn how it works. Or E ask them to make their case and then agree on boundaries together.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Honestly, I'm an amalgamation of a few of these answers. I'd have to say I'm A and D, but we have to only give one answer. Yeah, you just gotta pick one. So A was first look at privacy settings, messaging features, and data collection. And I also feel like another thing I would do is try the app together for a few days and learn how it works. So, in that, learn how it works. Also, I would be looking at privacy features and whatnot and making sure that my child is safe. So I would go with D. I'm not gonna say.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

I'm gonna let everybody be surprised by my answers.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

All right. All right, number two, you wanna go off? Sure. Your child wants to use AI for homework. Your first instinct is A, test it together and compare its answers with their own thinking. B create a clear household rule for when AI is okay and when it isn't. C, talk about learning attribution and responsible use. D, ask them to show how they want to use it. Then set garbrails together. E, hold off until you understand what it stores, how it works, and the risk.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

I don't care why you can't pick multiple. I feel like there's like a lot of things you should do. There shouldn't be like one thing you should do. Well, maybe that's my professional opinion.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

I agree with you on that. I would say, man, I'd really have to go with B and C, but if I had to pick one specifically, C, I guess. Talk about learning attribution and responsible use. Because I want my child to understand exactly what it means when using AI and to not take it lightly. But at the same time, I don't want them to become fully dependent on it and to lose critical thought.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

You know, it also you'll learn this at some point. Uh, having two different kids or multiples means that you have to have different types of parenting. Like not one style of parenting works for all kids. It is 10 times more combative when you as the adult decide that this is this is me, this is the way I'm gonna parent. That's very Gen X. I love that generation. They're a little bit more funky, 70s kids, most likely, but yeah, no, uh, these Gen Z are not, you need to be flexible.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

I'm fine with that. Definitely agree with the flexibility. Also, bear in mind, my child is nowhere near the age of using AI for anything, let alone the working 35 toys this month. Yeah, well, that's true.

SPEAKER_00 17:53

We don't have those though, so and I don't I don't find them necessary. Like there's enough fun toys out there with no batteries or anything in it. Agreed. Let's just go with C for brevity's sake. All right. I'm tired of hearing my own voice. Go for it.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

Sure. Number three, they stumble onto upsetting content online. You usually A start with how they feel, then decide next steps together. B, block slash report it, review settings, and tighten protections right away. C. Explore why the platform showed it and how its filters work. D, go back to your plan for what to do in situations like this. E talk through why things like this happen online and how to respond next time. Yeah, definitely E is where I would go with this one. And also block and report it, obviously. But I want my son to be aware if he comes across something like that, what he can do, help him to regulate himself, because I'm sure it's really, like, as it said, upsetting. So it's triggering in some way. I want him to be prepared for that because I'm not always there to be there to block and report right away. And then teach him how he can block and report it.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

Yeah, there's a lot, I mean, there's not one way. There's there's a lot of things that you have to do. You have to protect them, but you also have to teach them in every regard. Like they're you take it away from them, they're not gonna know why or how to be resilient enough to protect themselves when you're not there. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

All right, we ready for number four?

SPEAKER_00 19:19

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

Question four screen time turns into a recurring conflict. You tend to A, revisit the schedule and consequences already in place, B, ask what's behind the behavior and work towards a fair adjustment. C, focus less on total minutes and more on whether the use is healthy. D, reduce access until things calm down and you understand the risk. E experiment with a different approach, approach rather, for a week and review what happens. Hmm. Yeah, I would definitely be very flexible on this. We're currently going through stuff like this right now. Like in the morning, he wants to watch TV while he's eating his breakfast. It's like 30 minutes of time that he has before school. Sorry, you said which which letter? Oh, I haven't said yet. Oh I'm getting to it. Sorry. Only because I do consistently look to revisit the schedule with him and decide how we're how we are currently managing screen time. But at the same time, I constantly want to adjust as needed for him. So while keeping it healthy and keeping it engaging at the same time and not just using it as a crutch. So I let's see. Let me see what I do. Ask what's behind the behavior. Yeah, we definitely find out what's causing any emotional backlash if I were to say to turn it off. Reduce access. Let's go with E. I like that one. Yeah. Looking like you're one type of parent. Really? Got some E's. Well, I don't think they're all the same though. I have no idea. We'll find out. All right, number five, moving along. Devices in the bedroom at night. A, no. Sleep, safety, and impulse control risks are too high. B, talk about sleep attention and self-management before deciding. C, use a household charging station. All devices go there. D, try a few setups and see what actually supports healthy sleep. E. Decide based on maturity and create the rule together. Well, given where I'm currently at with my son, it's definitely absolutely a no screens or devices.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Yeah, just full disclaimer for maybe like listener number 11 and 12, because I'm hoping that we're we've gained a little bit more listeners. We've got smaller kids. Um, so like no teenagers right now. Right. Our perspective is a lot different. The one parent age five. I think when we have guests, we should send them the quiz to do ahead of time. I love that so that we know what kind of like archetype digital parent we're talking to. That's brilliant. Yeah. So I said A for that.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

I was about to say that's not what I wrote. No, no, no. A. Okay. Absolutely no devices. Question six Your child knows knows more than you about a platform. You usually Think, A, great, teach me how it works. B, explain it to me. Now let's talk about the good, bad, and gray areas. C, let's use that information to update our rules together. D, knowing more than me doesn't mean it's automatically safe. E, add it to the checklist before it becomes part of the routine. I don't even understand response for E. I'd definitely say D, knowing more than me doesn't mean it's automatically safe. I'm gonna do my research as a parent to make sure that app is safe. But also hear from my child about what this app is about. Again, this is hypothetical. My son is not bringing apps to me at age five right now. Listen, you'll be surprised what they find by themselves. Stop. I'm not ready for that. All right, question seven. When it comes to sharing family photos online, you tend to A ask everyone in the family what they're comfortable with before posting, B, keep kids' digital footprints as limited as possible. C use clear rules about faces, names, location, and timing. D use privacy tools or small group sharing options creatively. E treat it as a chance to teach consent and performance or permanence and permanence online. That's a really good idea. Yeah, I like that. I do teach about consent. Yeah. In fact, I have a story, a mini story about this. I won't delve too much. Save it for the next episode. Okay, remind me. Can you know about that? This is a really good story that I want to share about that. Yeah, I I'm very limited on what I share about my child and other people's children online.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

Make that two stories.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

Yeah, I got a story for you. It's a good one. All right, what's your which one?

SPEAKER_01 23:39

E. E. Nice. All right. Question eight. A game plan becomes a problem. No, sorry. A game becomes a problem. Wow. Your first move is A. Ask what they like about the game and examine the dynamics together. B act quickly on chat, stranger access, and spending features. C Tighten rules around time, purchases, or approved games. D, play it yourself before deciding what you think. E. Problem solve together so the plan feels fair and realistic. Okay, first and foremost, there is no purchasing that will be available.

SPEAKER_00 24:17

Yeah, a lot of these aren't like strict enough answers for the type of like physical parent that I'm in. Uh a game becomes a problem and you're just not playing. It's blocked. It's done. Moving on. I don't have the patience for everything else that comes after that. But like I said, no purchasing. Right. Period. Tighten the rules around time. Like, what?

SPEAKER_01 24:35

I'm not letting you pay money to have some tokens for some game. Get out of here. Yeah. What would you do? Tighten rules around time purchase or approved games. Yeah. Which one's that? C. C. Okay. Number nine. Your child says they're ready for social media. Oh good God. You usually A talk about comparison, attention, and how platforms shape behavior. B decide together what readiness looks like. C, say not yet. Safety and maturity come first. D start small and learn together in a slower stakes way. E do a phased rollout with specific rules and check-in. I personally don't want my child to ever be on social media, but I also know that I can't fight it. Because if they want to, they're going to find a way to get on there. So I'd rather be a partner with them going through it, a mentor of sorts, to be in it with them so they're not getting into stuff that they shouldn't. So I'd say a rollout phase. E. Do a rollout phase with specific rules and check-ins.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

Wait until they're 30 years old and be like, uh, yeah, I don't want to be on social media at all. And it's like, yes, my parenting worked. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 25:47

Um, all right, last one. Question 10. The best sign that your digital parenting is working is A, they know how to protect themselves and their privacy. B, they think critically and make smart digital decisions independently. C, the household runs smoothly because routines are clear. D, they're curious, adaptable, and not intimidated by new tools. E, they come to you honestly when something goes wrong. Literally all of the above. All of the above. All of us. We have to pick one. Yeah, seriously. I mean, I guess B, if I had to pick one, I do like my child to think independently and critically. All right.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Uh, I hope we didn't bore everybody. We will give you all our final answers on the next episode. I am Jordan. And this is Yassi. And for tools, tips, tricks, resources, and to just learn from some really amazing people, please visit us at bossyfosi.org. Thank you, everybody. Bye. This podcast is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice, including medical, mental health, or legal guidance. The views expressed by host and or guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the Family Online Safety Institute, otherwise known as FOSI. Guest contributions are based on personal experience and are not intended as professional guidance. Any mention of products, services, organizations, or tools is for discussion purposes only and does not constitute an endorsement by the Family Online Safety Institute.