Baby Monitors, NICU Moms, and When to Turn the Camera Off with Leslie Pedder

This week Jordan is joined by Leslie Pedder, Moms Off Mute's very own podcast producer, mom to a nearly-two-year-old, and the rogue friend who saw Bruno Mars without her. Jordan brings receipts.

The real conversation gets into baby monitors, video cams, and the digital tools that give new parents the peace of mind they need to, you know, actually sleep. Leslie shares her experience as a NICU mom and why the monitor became a lifeline once she brought her daughter home. Jordan reflects on the choice to only use sound monitors with her second, and the moment two baby monitors on video became too much.

Plus: why shared access to the monitor with in-laws can get invasive fast (with a very relatable clip from The Rookie), the case for un-wi-fied monitors, and the bigger question worth sitting with. Kids are citizens too. So when do we stop watching them in their own rooms?

Homework this week: think about when privacy starts and ends in your household. Come back next week when Jordan digs into it further.

This is Moms Off Mute. Want to find out your parenting archetype? Take the quiz at fosi.org/parenting

New episodes every Wednesday. Listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

We're back. I'm Jordan Glover here with Mom's Off Mute. And today I'm joined by Leslie, our podcast producer. Hello. Welcome. And fellow mom. I have a bone to pick with you. I heard you went to the Bruno Mars concert.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

So I remember putting in the group chat I think I do too. That we should all go. Yes. And they're like, how much are tickets? I know. And I sent it. You did. And I got cricket. So I was like, fine. I'll do something else. And nobody wants to go with me. And I wasn't gonna drag my husband to the Bruno Mars concert. And then I found out that you went.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

See, here's the thing. I woke up and I had to go to a child soccer game, which by the way, is not real soccer.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

You have a baby.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

No, no, no, it was my nephew. I was watching four-year-olds, and that that is the funniest thing because that is not soccer, it is just psychopaths running in circles and deciding they don't want to do this anymore. But anyway, so we're driving and risk it all comes on the radio. And I go, I need to see that man tonight. So in the car, I just looked up tickets to see what the price was. And see, here's the thing I was going to call you, but then my mom called me at the same time and she said, Isn't Bruno Mars here? And I said, Girl, is it Kismet that you just texted me? Because actually, she called me. I'm looking up tickets right now and I can buy crappy seats. And I bought crappy seats at that moment. As I bought the seats, I looked to JJ and I said, Jordan's gonna murder me. She is going to throw me down a flight of stairs and refuse to be my friend ever again.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

It is fine. I just want to point out the last time he was here, someone else did the same thing to me. Who? My own father. He goes, Uh, you like Bruno?

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Uncle Willie, we like all the concerts.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

And I was like, uh, yes, well, I went by myself. What? That man loved the show. Loved the show. Went to MGM by himself twice to see Bruno.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

Honestly, that is actually amazing. I have yet to have the courage to go to a concert by myself.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Oh, he used to go to everything by himself. If nobody was joining him, it was not stopping him from having a good time.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

That's some really boss energy. I see I applaud people who are willing to not force someone to go to a show with them, but just want to go to a concert by themselves.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

And he is happy as can be. I can see my son doing that. Very much so. Yeah, he would. Well, today we're talking about baby monitors, nanny cams, all the things.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

So you currently have I have um it's the VTech something, but it it's no, I meant like your child. Oh, I thought you meant one baby monitor.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Like, why do you have a baby monitor?

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Because you have a I have a child. Woo! No, um, I have a I have like a 15-month-old.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

There you go. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

That's a good age. I just hate that we have to measure our children in months. I can't wait until she's just three. And I I'm not three and three-quarters. Like she's just three.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

I stopped at two.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Yeah, okay. Maybe I'll just do that because I feel like it's so I can't do it anymore. Yes, it's just weird, unnecessary math. I went to school for journalism, not math, and I don't want to do math just to give you my child.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

She's under two. She's under two. Let's go with that. She's under two. So baby monitors. What did that conversation kind of look like? Did you want it? Did you not want one?

SPEAKER_00 3:32

I definitely wanted one, especially. So I had a NICU kid. So she was in the NICU for three months. Never got to see her at night. And so it was just leaving the hospital and just like hoping. So getting the baby monitor was just kind of like really, really nice because I needed that reassurance. I left the hospital and being like, can I take one of the NICU nurses with me? You guys are just raising her so well. I just feel like you shouldn't let me do this by myself. I mean, I had my husband, but you shouldn't let us do this by ourselves. Like, can we please just rent one of you for a couple hours? Maybe I don't know. So getting a monitor was just very important for me. I needed that peace of mind. But she also went home on a heart monitor, too. So I needed all the digital things to feel like I could sleep because I know the hardest thing is not getting sleep. So I needed to feel some kind of safety so that sleep could be a part of my life.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Right. And it's just us. They are perfectly fine. They just they're chilling, they're having a good time. They didn't. I was the opposite. I had a NICU baby for like a hot second. I think she just wanted to scare us. She came early too. She did. She was early, but she was canceled. Yes. She wasn't in the NICU for a long time, though, is what I'm saying. I could not have the baby monitor. I just like the video one, I did the sound for my youngest because I like hearing her was enough. If I had the camera, I was just not sleeping because I was constantly looking at her. And because I had another one that I was actually also looking at, I'm like, this is getting to be a bit too much. And at that time, he was 15 months, she was obviously a newborn. And I'm like, I'm overdoing it between my husband, my sister, my mom, myself. There's enough adults in here that I don't need to constantly watch both baby monitors on video.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

I didn't even think about that. That is just like extremely connected to be kind of cyber stalking or just like video stalking two children at once. Right. But having a sound monitor feels very 1990s. Yes. I was watching um, I know I'm like three years late, Little Fires Everywhere. It's so good. And um again, I read the book first. And by read, I mean audiobook because you're gonna got no time to read. I did not realize having children meant, and by children, I mean child meant no free time of your own. So the only solace I get is like an audiobook, but listen to the audiobook, then watch the show, and she had a baby monitor that was just the sound. And I was like, ah, I forgot the 90s didn't have technology like that. There was no video monitor, you're just relying on the sound. And I don't know, for me, that visual was key. I know you had two, so the visual probably would have been too much, but I really needed to look at her. I don't know what it is. It was almost like I could smell her through the screen when I could see her.

SPEAKER_01 6:33

No, and I think the other thing was that, like, because we had the snoo, like between the snoo yelling at us through an app saying, like, hey, go get your baby, we can hear her clearly. And then the baby monitors also like loud. It's like, how do I minimize this a little bit? Because it's too much.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

That is too much. I forgot about the snoo. You did let me borrow that snoo, and uh my child hated it. She was like, I don't want to be constrained, and but I think it was also because she was just used to always being connected to monitors and pricked and prodded that she was like, This is my first ounce of freedom. Don't put me in this strait jacket. So, yeah, that's a lot of connectivity for you. The snoo, the monitor, the sound monitor, and your cell phone. Yeah, yeah. I can see it.

SPEAKER_01 7:18

I was only one for two, by the way. Like, all my oldest was upset when we had to remove him from the snoo and put him in a crib because he looked at me like, uh, it's not moving. Like, how am I supposed to sleep?

SPEAKER_00 7:32

Wait, how long was he even in the snoo? That was a big old baby. There was like a weight limit for that thing.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Listen, listen. That man was a little large. He was he was long in it, and like his head was bouncing off the side, and we didn't care. He was happy. So the snoo is a digital bassinet. Let's call it that, where it's like it softly rocks your baby once it's it, once your baby is strapped in properly in those, like, what are they called? Street jackets. Well, yeah, they're essentially straight jackets. But they're called something.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

I don't know. It's like a swaddle.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

It's like a swaddle to like the Velcro swaddle that you put your baby in, you essentially like quote unquote lock them into the snoo, and it rocks them. And when they move or cry, it rocks them a little bit more, and then it'll go. Um, but it's also an app, so it'll tell you like how quote unquote long your baby slept, how much they cried, how much they had to rock them. It's very like it, it's cool, and I I liked it a lot for my first. It brought me a lot of peace of mind, even though he was still in the room. Uh, my youngest, between the 15-month-old being able to walk and get in the bed with us and having a newborn, she was in her own room. The bassinet was in a room, the door was closed, and if she needed us, we went to go get her because I just wasn't doing the bassinet and a 15-month-old in the room at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

I totally agree. I we had her in our room for a while, but I do remember the NICU nurses being like, you're better at knowing when your baby needs you more than you think you do. So it's okay to put her in her own room and in the crib instead of just relying on the bassinet being by your slip by your side because those little stinkers, they make the weirdest noises. They'll be KO'd, completely knocked out. And you hear these noises and you jump up and you're like, Oh, I just jumped up to watch her sleep. So putting her in the room was really important that we did that earlier, which is why we were like, we need to get a monitor that isn't like extremely sensitive. So I'm not waking up at every little turn again as if she's in the room, but also feel a little safe.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Yeah. And the ones that just have sound are also extremely affordable. Like years ago they weren't. Uh, and now I'm assuming because there's so many different ones, mainly that you can like look at. I mean, I even contemplated the ones that I think it's the outlet that it's the camera, the sound, but you uh but you yes, the sock. Oh my gosh. I was like reading, I went through a deep dive, obviously on Reddit and all the reviews, and I'm like, huh. I do not need to be a paranoid person in the middle of the night. If the sock goes off, it starts like going off, whatever, and he's breathing, she's breathing. They are fine. Go to sleep, mom.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

I had that same thought. I wanted to get that one, but then my mother-in-law, I thank God I love my mother-in-law, and I just always appreciate her opinion. Okay, what TV monitor did you decide on? We ended up getting this a V Tech. I'm not really sure exactly what model it is, but it's the monitor and then an actual screen. And you can also hook it up to your cell phone if you want, but I just didn't really want to rely on my phone because I'm someone who just likes to play games and I don't want that little thing in the corner. Um, I really liked having the screen, and it was uh it was hard to decide on which ones. Like you said, there were so many, they're very expensive. But this one is like at a really good price point. It gave me exactly what I needed. I don't remember which one I had.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

I know for my oldest, we had the outlet without the sock, and I loved it. However, it scared the crap out of me because you could share the link, but it was it was private, but you can still share the link. And Evan was traveling a lot at that time, and I'm just changing my kid, and I hear a voice come through the outlet uh unprompted. I threw my baby at my mom, I ripped the thing off the wall. It looked like I was like doing renovations in my poor son's room, and it I've never incredible hulk like that in my life. And obviously, it was Evan trying to say hi to his family, but he didn't have cell phone service at the time. So 48 hours later, I get a call and I answer, and all I hear is him dying laughing, saying, Did you think it was some random person talking to you on the camera? I said, Listen, for the last 48 hours, I have cut off all communication with the outside world that could possibly be near our baby because I was terrified. Why don't you just send a text? Be like, hey, how's it going?

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Like, it's weird to just sit there and stare while somebody's in the room with your kid, no? I mean, it is, but now you're gonna make me feel a little ashamed because I we went on our first trip as a family, and by family, I mean just me and my husband without our daughter, and my parents had her, and I did look at the the monitor on my cell phone. I at first, so we got a monitor that again hooks up to your cell phone, and I was really weary about hooking it up to my cell phone because I didn't want to be that connected, but then my mother-in-law came over, she's like the the opposite of a normal boomer, she actually understands technology because I couldn't get the daggone thing to work. So I had this boomer teaching me technology and her setting it up for me, and I was just like, stop showing me out. Come on, like stop making me feel like I'm the old lady. So now I had it, and I was like, okay, JJ, I know it's like eight o'clock. Let's just look at the monitor and see if she's sleeping. I mean, obviously she's gonna be sleeping. There was no need for me to check it out, but I had to. So I am Evan, I guess. But looking at your baby is fine.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

Staring while I'm changing your son, I'm playing games. Like he was watching our entire morning routine. Okay, that's a lot before he said anything. That's a lot, that's a lot like is too much, and I get it. He was away, that's the only way he could feel connected. He didn't have cell phone service, but maybe mute yourself.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

No, that's my favorite. My favorite because my mom forgot that it was connected to my cell phone, so I just started making noises and watching her head like you swivel around, freak out, throw Peyton a little.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

So you you are Evan. I am I I am Evan. Thank you for terrifying the rest of us. Yeah, I appreciate that. There was actually an episode. Do you watch The Rookie? No, is that the the show with what's his name? Nathan Fillion. I don't know his name. I know him as Officer Nolan. Okay. So possibly. Um he's Canadian, but I I just got into it. Like they're on season eight, and I just started maybe what three months ago. My kind of content. I love a good eight season binge. Obsessed. Like it's like it is gives you like the crime and like fear a little bit of like maybe like an SBU, but it has a lot of humor and fun moments to it. So it's like dramedy-ish. We love dramedy. Um, but it's ABC, so you know how ABC does, right? Scandal plug. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Um my yearly scandal plug. Everyone watch scandal, you need it.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

Yes. Detective Nyla, she recently married, just had a baby, and her and her husband are having a disagreement in the car about the baby monitor because they also had like a shared link situation. Yep. And he sent it to his mom. And she's like, We gotta cut her off. Like it's just not, he was like, What's the harm? She never sees her granddaughter, which like I get it, I get it. And she's like, she sent me a text saying that my robe looked like dirty or something or had a stain on it. No, so she sent me a new one and told me she sent me a new one while I'm breastfeeding our child. And he goes, Ah, I see that can be a bit invasive.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

Invasive indeed.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

Yes. So her rookie that she was training, like she's complaining and on the radio, they're all talking about it. And the rookie was like, He doesn't have a kid, by the way. Like, he's just very young. And he's like, But do you invite her over? Do you invite her into your life and your child's life in a way that she doesn't feel like she needs to constantly like only connection is on this baby monitor? And she's like, fine, I'll have her over for brunch more often.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

Stop trying to therapise me, Mr. Rookie. I'm just able to teach you how to be a police officer. Get out of here, my guy. Exactly. But she's still my mother-in-law.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Honestly, I don't want my mom looking at me either. I'm breastfeeding my kids. Like, mind your business. That is my 10 to 15 minutes of peace.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

Yeah, no, I understand that. Also, when I did set up my monitor, I had a real kind of do we really need to connect it to the the Wi-Fi? Is it something that we really need? So I can understand being like, let's separate the two. You know, she's sleeping, let her sleep. Not everyone needs to view this. Even myself, I don't need to view this when I'm away and my husband, JJ, is watching her. I don't need to. It does give me a little solace, but I do feel maybe it is a little too connected. My brother and his wife, they ended up getting a monitor that isn't connected to the Wi-Fi. So, like their monitor solely relies on that screen, and that's it. And it's it's a super simple setup, you know, just plug camera in, screen works. And I thought maybe this should be me, but I'm a little crazier than him.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

I don't think you're crazy. It's just like it's your first kid.

SPEAKER_00 16:58

It's my first kid.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

It was his first kid too. Well, yes, but like your mom. You know, mom can be a little different sometimes. She has a mom, the kid has a mom too. My sister. I'm uh trying not to compare. We also parent to the case.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

She's uh she's a PA. She's a wait, what's a PA again? Not a production assistant, a physician's assistant. There we go. You can tell I've been working in media too long. Uh, so I think she has a little bit more of a sense of when my child needs to go to the emergency room, is my child breathing? She has that like medical brain, so there's a little bit less of uh lacking reality like me.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

I mean, she was in the NICU for three months. That is enough. You don't have to explain your fears. If you want to look at your kid, you want to look at your kid. I mean, it it's as simple as that. So, moral of the story is if you need a new robe, you can get your own. Get your own.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

You know what new send the link. Get a monitor that works for you. It doesn't have to be expensive, it doesn't have to be fancy. Just kind of decide what you and your partner need. Originally, like I said, we didn't think we needed the Wi-Fi, but we enjoy it now. I was at the concert and I was like, Oh, it's without your friends. Without you, I know, my bet. And I was like, it's nine o'clock. Let's see if she's sleeping. And she was pass out, arms across, the whole daggone crib, mouth open. Mind and her business, mind and her business, completely in her own REM sleep. So it gave me a little piece while I was uh uptown flunking it up again, Jordan. I'm so sorry. If it makes you feel better, FedEx Field North, no, Northwest Stadium, that's what it's called now, uh, has the worst parking situation. So it took us an hour and 20 minutes to leave the venue.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

It is not my favorite to go see anything there.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

I will so if it that makes you feel better, it was the concert ended at 11. I didn't get home till like 1:30. Nice with my old mama. Her she was like, My knees, I'm standing, I've been dancing too. You also don't live that far from the city. Exactly. It took us to get out a full hour. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Yikes. There was something else that I was gonna leave the audience with. Oh, yes. Fozy always likes to acknowledge that kids are citizens, they have rights. Yes. So think about when privacy starts and ends. Their babies obviously monitor them because they need someone to take care of them. But what age do we stop watching our kids in their room and when do they start having privacy?

SPEAKER_00 19:22

That's actually a good question because I wanted to know that. Because at what age, right, do you let them just be like go into their playroom and play it by themselves without just having a hawk eye on them? I never really found that balance. So, because I don't really think it's fair for her to have a camera in her room for an obscene amount of time. Like, I don't know if eight years old, nine years old, I feel like you should have, like you said, they are citizens, they should have autonomy of themselves. And at that point, they would understand the difference between right and wrong and basic principles of just being a good human being. Yeah. What would you or Fossi say is like a normal when do you turn it off? When do you take it out?

SPEAKER_01 20:02

That's a really good question. Let's let our listeners sit with that, and we'll come back for episode five uh and have a conversation about privacy and let's see how long our parents are leaving cameras in their kids' rooms. And yeah, let's talk to a kid and be like, hey, when would you actually notice that a camera is still in your room? And when you'd be like, hey, uh mind your business.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

Yeah. Ooh, I'm not sure. I'm trying to think about myself, maybe like first, second grade. I don't know. I don't even know what age that is.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Uh, whenever you stop listening, you should stop watching, maybe. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much for joining us. Of course. This is Jordan Glover of the Family Online Safety Institute, joined by Leslie, our podcast producer. What? What? And fellow mom, congratulations on having an almost two-year-old. You're doing in a girl, you skipped a lot of months. Almost two. I got like a whole more than half a year. You are doing a fantastic job as a physical mom and digital mom. Thank you. Kudos to you. This is mom's off mute. Join us every Wednesday wherever you get your podcast. And for more tips, tricks, and resources, visit us at FOC.org. Thanks everyone. This podcast is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice, including medical, mental health, or legal guidance. The views expressed by hosts and or guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the Family Online Safety Institute, otherwise known as OC. Guest contributions are based on personal experience and are not intended as professional guidance. Any mention of products, services, organizations, or tools is for discussion purposes only and does not constitute an endorsement by the Family Online Safety Institute.