EP# 2 — From Caretaker to Trailblazer: Reclaiming Your Time and Dreams

Welcome to Level 40: The Rebirth Edition — a reflective lifestyle podcast for women rebuilding, rediscovering themselves, and learning how to become unapologetically who they were always meant to be.

Hosted by Shavon Speaks, this weekly podcast is where we have honest conversations about healing after survival mode, rediscovering your identity, rebuilding your confidence, and learning how to finally choose yourself.

Every Monday, we start the week together grounded in growth, faith, reflection, and real life.

This podcast is deeply personal.

What started as a desire to simply “find myself again” after 40 slowly became a journey of healing, rebuilding, and learning how to stop shrinking to fit the expectations of everyone else.

Because somewhere between motherhood, relationships, responsibility, survival mode, and showing up for everybody else… many women lose connection with themselves.

And this space is about reclaiming that connection.

Here, we talk about:
✨ faith and purpose
✨ rebuilding after heartbreak, burnout, or disappointment
✨ finances, credit, wellness, and self-growth
✨ motherhood, identity, and relationships
✨ healing publicly and honestly
✨ learning how to take yourself seriously again

But more than anything…

This podcast is about becoming.

Becoming the version of yourself who stops waiting for permission.
The version of yourself who trusts her voice.
The version of yourself who starts making decisions aligned with peace, purpose, and growth — even before everything feels certain.

Because growth doesn’t always look glamorous.

Sometimes it looks like:
starting over,
setting boundaries,
going to therapy,
trying new things,
taking yourself out,
healing in private,
and learning how to stop abandoning yourself.

If you’ve outgrown a version of your life, your identity, or the roles people placed on you… you’re in the right place.

If you’re learning how to trust yourself again… you’re in the right place.

If you’re rebuilding after survival mode and trying to figure out who you are now… you’re not alone.

New episodes drop every Monday.

And soon, each episode will also include downloadable reflection worksheets and self-growth exercises to help you continue the journey beyond the conversation.

So grab your coffee, tea, journal, or simply a quiet moment for yourself…

Welcome to Level 40: The Rebirth Edition.

And remember:

✨ Your story is not over.
✨ There is no shame in becoming.
✨ And we are ascending unapologetically.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey girl, hey! Welcome back to level 40, the Rebirth Edition. The space where we heal, we grow, we discover ourselves, and we learn how to become the women we were always meant to be. I am your host, Siobhan Speaks, and before we get into today's episode, I will say that I am sitting here in my comfy chair with a fresh cup of coffee wrapped in my favorite essentials hoodie. And you know, I don't know why, but I've always loved the name Essentials. Because honestly, God is essential, especially in this season like this. Seasons of growth, seasons of transformation, seasons where we're trying to figure out who we're becoming while also grieving parts of us who we used to be. I truly believe we need God's guidance for moments like these. Because moving from caretaker to trailblazer isn't just about doing more, it's about becoming. You know, it's about becoming more honest, more intentional, more aligned. And sometimes the journey can feel uncomfortable. Sometimes growth looks beautiful, but sometimes it also looks like sitting in silence and asking yourself, what do I actually want to do with my life? So wherever you're listening from today, whether you're driving, cleaning, working, resting, or hiding in your car for a little peace and quiet, welcome. I'm really glad you're here. Welcome to level 40, the rebirth edition.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Healing me to mission feminine spy. Got proof on your tool. And all the great dogs we got the girl and for the girl, for the top we have for the tip, and for the wind, for the drinking, no more hiding, no more playing small.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

So I don't know about y'all, but the intro song, it just gives me so much liberation. So much liberation. Uh today's episode on level 40, the rebirth edition, is from Caretaker to Trailblazer. We are officially reclaiming our time and our dreams. Because so many of us were raised to be strong before we were ever taught to just simply be. We learn how to nurture at a young age. We learn how to hold everything together. We learn how to show up, we learn how to survive, but along the way, many of us stop asking ourselves, what do I really want? Not what our kids want, not what our partner needs, and especially not what everybody accepts or expects from us. It's like, what do I want? What do you want to the ones that are listening to this podcast? And and honestly, that question can feel very uncomfortable, you know, when you spent most of your years trying to identify yourself through service of everybody else. Um, this week I started reading um the year of yes, and one thing that already stood out to me is how often we say yes to responsibilities, but no to ourselves. Uh, no to rest, no to dreams, no to trying, no to being seen. And maybe this season is about changing that. At least I feel that. So today, what we're gonna do is we are going there. We are talking about identity, we're talking about guilt, fear, and also rediscovery. And maybe at the end of this episode, we'll start giving ourselves permission to choose ourselves. So grab your tea, grab your coffee, your journal, whatever you need, or you can just simply just sit with me just for a moment so that we can talk about it. So at 40, I decided to make a vision board. I'm jumping right in, right? Because we have so much to talk about. So at 40 years old, I decided to make a vision board with me and my friends. We normally every year we will make uh digital vision boards uh with our Canva. So I remember feeling excited. I'm like, okay, new season, new me, new goals, who this. So I started going on Pinterest, started finding different things, and started to build out my vision board. And I remember having a quote that says, watch your thoughts for they become words, watch your words for they become actions, watch your actions before they become habits, watch your habits before they become character, what you think you become. I was I was on cloud nine jumping into this vision board. I had a photo of a volleyball player, uh, because my daughter she loves volleyball, she actually wants to play volleyball. She just recently got into flag football, but that's a whole nother story. So I had a volleyball in there, I had some photos with some money, I had some plumbing trucks because, as you guys know, uh my fiance owns a plumbing business. I had some workout photos, I had a woman doing some pottery, and I remember sitting there looking at this vision board and thinking, is this what I really want out of life? And to be honest, what hit me wasn't that those things were bad that I had put on my vision board, but they weren't me. I love my family, I love supporting people, I love seeing people win. But what hurt was with realizing, you know, I wasn't really on the vision board. The board the vision board did not reflect me as a person, it reflected everyone else's dreams. It everybody else's dreams had a place on my vision board, everyone else's future had a place, and everyone else's goals had a place on my vision board, but me. I was missing from my own vision board. And the scary part was I wasn't even shocked. I expected myself to disappear. That realization sat heavy on me because I started wondering how many women are building lives around everyone else while quietly disappearing from their own. And honestly, that vision board wasn't even the moment that changed me the most. That moment that changed me the most, I remember I was in therapy and I'll never forget this conversation. My therapist um he asked me a simple question. He said, Who are you? And I immediately started to answer, I'm a mom, I'm a fiance, I'm a daughter, I'm a friend, I'm a co-worker. And we were on um a Zoom, a Zoom uh therapy session, and he looked at me and he said, Well, those are all titles. And I was puzzled. I'm like, huh? That question broke something inside of me because in that moment I realized I only knew myself through the service to other people. I knew who I was to everybody, but I didn't know who I was for myself. And in that moment, I started crying because I was weak. And not because something was wrong with me, but I realized that I spent years trying to be everything for everyone, trying to be perfect, trying to be strong, trying to be dependable, trying to be needed, and somewhere inside of all that, I lost myself. And I think a lot of women do too, especially women raised in survival mode, especially black women. We're taught to push through, we're taught to handle it, we're taught to figure it out, don't complain, keep going, keep your head up. You can do bad all by yourself. And sometimes we become so strong for everybody that we stop checking on ourselves. But what if that therapy moment taught me this? I'm soft, and softness is not weakness, not having all the answers is not weakness. Crying is not all weakness, healing is not weakness. I think some of us have spent so much time surviving, the softness feels unsafe. But healing requires honesty. And the truth was, I did not know who I was anymore. But today, if someone asks me that same question now, I would answer differently. I would say I am a woman growing in every way, every time God blesses me with a new day. That sounds poetic, I know. And maybe the answer will evolve later, but right now, that answer feels honest to me. One of the hardest things about this season has been learning how to spend time with myself without feeling guilty. And if you're a mother listening to this, you probably understand exactly what I mean. So I'm an 80s baby. I grew up in the era where we were latchky kids, and because of how I grew up, I never wanted my daughter to feel alone or to feel like the world was busy all around her. And so naturally, she became a part of everything. She became a part of target runs and bookstores and nail appointments and quick errands and random drives. I mean everything. At this point, I was calling her my broke bestie because she was always with me, and poor baby is so young, she can't get no job. So if I'm going to Starbucks, she's going to Starbucks, so I'm getting the Maddie and Petty. Boo is getting the Maddie and Petty. You get what I'm saying? And one day I realized I feel guilty wanting space for myself. I remember uh there was one weekend my fiance was out with his friends, and I had planned a self a self-care day. Then my daughter decided she wanted to hang out with her friends, which I'm like, okay, cool. So instead of but instead of feeling excited, you know, about having some alone time, I almost canceled my own Maddie and Petty plans. And I had to ask myself, why am I uncomfortable in joining my own company? And that question changed something in me because somewhere along the way, women are taught that choosing ourselves is selfish. And if we prioritize ourselves too much, we're labeled independent, difficult, too much, selfish. And honestly, that pressure keeps many women disconnected from themselves. And maybe becoming a trailblazer doesn't happen all at once. Maybe it starts with small decisions, small moments where you know we finally stop abandoning ourselves. You know, spend some intentional time alone, where we're not scrolling or we're not distracted, or distracting ourselves by other things and other emotions. We're not pouring into everybody else. Actually sitting with ourselves. Go to the coffee shop, take a drive, go to a bookstore, take a lunch. Just be with yourself because sometimes you can't hear yourself, you can't hear yourself clearly until life gets quiet. Take a class, join a group, start a hobby, even if you're bad at it. Trailblazing requires movement, and sometimes confidence doesn't come before action, sometimes it comes after. Stop waiting for everybody else to validate the life God has placed into you. Some of us are waiting for approval from people who are too afraid to grow themselves. So let me help you reintroduce yourself to you. Start journaling again. Let's pray again. Let's dream, big dreams, and ask yourself, what do I love? What did I love before survival mode took over? Because trollblazing also means protecting your peace. Everybody can't go into the next season with you, and that's okay. One thing I'm learning in this season is rediscovering myself doesn't always happen through a huge, you know, dramatic moments. You know, it starts small. And sometimes healing looks like uh taking yourself out or buying the ticket, joining the class, making your favorite drink at home, or sitting in silence, saying no without guilt, trying something new. Sometimes healing starts with asking, what do I actually enjoy? Because for years I knew what everybody else liked, I knew what everybody else needed, and I knew what everybody else wanted. But now I'm learning myself, and honestly, it feels beautiful. Messy sometimes, but beautiful. So if you're if you take anything from this message today or today's episode, let it be this: choosing yourself is not abandonment. You are allowed to grow, you are allowed to evolve, and you are allowed to simply become more than you've ever been. And just because you spent years pouring into everyone else does not mean that your story is over. Your dreams matter, your voice matters, you still matter. And maybe this season of your life is not about becoming someone new, right? Maybe it's about returning to the woman you were before survival mode convince you to shrink. So this week, I want you to do something for yourself. Not because you earned it, not because everyone else is okay with it first, but simply because you deserve to exist outside of responsibility. And I also want you to ask yourself these questions. Who am I outside of what I do for other people? Journal about it, pray about it, sit with it, and don't rush the answer because rediscovering yourself is the journey, and there's no shame in becoming because shame prevents results. And on the other side of fear, there might be the blessing that you've always been waiting for. Thank you for sitting with me today. This is level 40, the Rebirth Edition. And remember, your time is now.