Ep # 5 Go Rogue: The Year I Stopped Saying No to Myself

Go Rogue: The Year I Stopped Saying No to Myself

This episode is two weeks late — and that's not an accident. It's the lesson.

In this raw, unfiltered episode of Level 40: The Rebirth Edition, Shavon gets honest about why "Go Rogue" almost didn't get recorded at all. She opens up about leaving an 18-year career, the guilt of wanting time for herself, forgiving the people who shaped her without meaning to, and what it really looks like to stop performing healed and start actually healing.

This episode covers the Go Rogue Audit (rate your life in 7 key areas), the Go Rogue framework for breaking free of what you've normalized, and the YES framework for saying yes to the things that scare you most.

If you've ever felt guilty for choosing yourself, this one's for you.

🎧 New episodes every week. We are 40. And we are alive.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Level 40, the rebirth edition. Healing meets hustle. That's just the mission. Femininity meets fire. Watch me move. Reinvention in my veins. I got proof. I'm your host tonight. And I'm holding this space. For the women who grew with grace and grace. If you're Hades born and still finding your way, baby, pull up the seat. We got more to say. For the growth, for the glow, for the truth we carry. For the tears, for the winds, for the life we marry. No more shrinking, no more hiding, no more playing small. At 40, baby. I'm just getting tall. Level 40.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

We are unashamed of that. We are not behind. We are not broken. We are not too late. We are courageous. We are finding ourselves. We are so stop withholding love from the version of you that is still in progress. She's the one doing all the work. Working for myself. I felt guilty for working on myself. The judge I was afraid of, she was living in my own head. Myself and can I think what was happening? No one was watching me, no one was keeping score, nobody cared. You know, hey fam, before we get into today's episode, I just want to address something really quick. This episode is coming a little later than planned, and I know that you guys have been waiting on it, so I want to apologize for that. But I also want you to know that everything's worked out now and we are finally back on track. And honestly, you're about to hear exactly what took so long and why this episode is getting posted later than expected. And to be honest, it is not what you think. So thank you for your patience. Thank you for hanging in there with me as I am going along on this journey. Now, let's level up because you know that's what we do in our 40s.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Level 40 rebirth.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

We said in episode one that we were not behind and we were just rebuilding. In episode two, we said that choosing yourself was not abandonment. In episode three, that's when we start taking over and not allowing failure to determine us. And in level four, our episode four, uh, we got honest about our bodies, our pain, and what healing really looks like. So today, episode five, we're gonna go a little deeper, a little further, because I want to speak directly to something that doesn't get said enough. There are a lot of podcasts out there that make women feel like needing to reset and needing to reflect, needing to find yourself again is something to be ashamed of. And I'm here to change that because what people don't understand as women, most of us put ourselves on pause while we're raising children, and that's okay. That is our love, that is our sacrifice, and that is us showing up. But now the children are getting older, they need us differently, and for the first time, that's okay. This is a new space for us, and I'm here as a voice to every woman 40 and above who is still learning, still growing, and still finding herself. And we are unashamed of that. We are not behind, we are not broken, we are not too late. We are being courageous, we are finding ourselves, we are just getting started because we are 40 and we are coming alive. Today's episode is called Go Rogue, and today we're gonna talk about what it really means to stop saying no to yourself and to start building a life that you actually want. So let's dive in. But before before I dive in, I just want to take a second to acknowledge if you've been rocking with this episode since episode one, I want to just thank you. You didn't have to show up today, you don't have to show up, but you did every single week. And I want you to know that I see you, I feel you, and this episode is I I made it for you, I made it for us. So, um, before we get into the how, um, how to you know start saying yes more often and yes to the things that you want in life, we need to start somewhere I didn't expect to start. We actually need to start with forgiveness because I realized you know, I couldn't go rogue, I couldn't say yes to myself until I stopped punishing every version of me that came before the version I am today. So I want you to think about every version of yourself you've been frustrated with. The version of you who stayed too long, the version of you who played it small, the version of you who put everyone first and then ran yourself completely empty. The version who knew better but didn't always do better, the version who quit, the version who was too afraid to take up space. I need you to forgive her, all of her, every version, every chapter, because there is the here's the truth. Every version of you was doing the best that she can do with what she what she had at the time. She wasn't weak, she was surviving. You cannot build forward while still dragging behind every version of yourself behind you like dead weight. So stop with holding love from the version of you that's still in progress because she's the one that's doing all the work. And if you've been listening to my podcast, you know that I'm on a fitness journey right now, and some days I look in the mirror and I want to be so frustrated. You know, I want to be mad at how long it's taking me, you know, mad at the years I didn't start sooner. But I'm learning to love this phase too. Because you don't have to just love the destination, you can love every phase as you continuously grow. You can love the messy middles, the progress, the process, the woman who shows up even when the progress feels slow, because she deserves love too. Not just the woman you'll be in five years, the version of you right now, today, she deserves love. And I want to tell you where this guilt comes from because I think if you hear my story, you'll be able to recognize it for yourself. Okay. Um, I spent 18 years into my career. 18 years of showing up, clocking in, being reliable, being needed, being useful, and then I walked away. Not because something bad happened, but because something better was calling, working along my fiance to build, you know, our own business, to build our own thing, to build our own future. And you'd think that I was still amazing. I did, but I also that that situation, that transition also broke something open inside of me that I was not ready for. Because for 18 years, I knew exactly who I was. I was an employee, I was a professional, I was the one who showed up, and then suddenly I was in this new chapter, and I didn't even know who I was becoming outside of my own identity. I had all the time, time, time I had never had before. Time to work on myself, time to move my body, time to eat better, time to just be, time to just breathe. And you know what I felt? I felt guilty. I felt guilty for wanting time that was mine. You know, I I think about going to work, I think about going to work out, and I feel like I was doing something wrong. Like somebody was watching me, somebody was judging me, you know, for not grinding or not not daring too hard or not taking up space. And here's the thing that really gets me to this day. I don't know who I thought was judging me. Because when I finally looked around, nobody was watching. Nobody was keeping score, nobody cared that I wanted to have an hour on the treadmill. The only person was judging me was me. And I was so used to working for everyone else that I felt guilty working on myself. The judge I was afraid of, she was living in my head. And that guilt, that fear of being judged, it didn't stay just in my fitness space. It followed me everywhere, and honestly, the real reason this episode is coming to you later than I promise. So I have to tell you the truth about this episode and and why it's late actually. Um so it's been about two weeks since this was supposed to be the episode, and you know me. If I say it's gonna be done, it's gonna be done. But I do have to be honest with you. The reason I couldn't post go rogue is because I was afraid to go rogue myself. I was afraid of other people's opinions. I was afraid of not holding up to the person I've been for the last 41 years. And so, even though I took this break so early on in my launch of my podcast, I am unapologetic because I needed to go rogue for myself. I needed to go rogue and to let other people see their opinions of me, just keep them. They're not mine to carry anymore. I need to go rogue and forgive my father for not being present in my life. Because the abstinence didn't just affect me as a daughter, it shaped how I show up in my relationships, the way I love, the way I stay, the way I confuse holding on with being loyal. I'm learning that now in real time. I've been going with some I've been going through something really hard in my relationship recently, and I see my father's fingerprints all over it and how I respond. The old patterns, the old rule, the old wounds dressed up as love. And I'm not here to tell you that I figured it all out because I did not, but I do see now, and seeing is the beginning of going rogue. I needed to go rogue and to stop feeling incapable or wrong for not wanting to take my daughter to another birthday party or not showing up for another volleyball game because I wanted to just hang out with my girls instead. I needed to stop feeling emotionally trapped in my own guilt. And I'm and I'm rolling on the old me. Because the new me needs so much more than what the younger Siobhan had to give her. So I went rogue, and here's what I learned. You can think you've hurled no. You can think you've healed from every situation, and you and it still lingers. You can forgive yourself from past situations and past decisions, and they can still be there. Therapy doesn't fix everything. You've got to do the work, you've got to sit in it, and you've got to be alone with it. Going rogue isn't a moment, it's not one decision, it's not one episode or one breakthrough. Going rogue is a lifestyle. Saying yes to the things that scare us, saying yes despite the fear and the procrastination in it that it carries, it's a journey. So here's to going rogue. And once I stop hiding from that truth, everything I've been trying to teach you finally made sense in my own life too. So let's talk about why do this to ourselves in the first place. Why do we do this to ourselves in the first place? The big lesson is you know, here's what here's what I've been sitting with. Finding yourself isn't a moment, it's not a retreat or a breakthrough or one good workout. It is practice, it is slow, it is uncomfortable, and it requires you to sit with versions of yourself you rather just scroll past. For a long time, I was operating on self-pilot, I was just doing what I was expected, you know. I made sense. What kept everything moving? You know, it just stayed on autopilot for a long time. I was operating on autopilot, doing what was expected, what made sense, what kept everything running, but I wasn't asking myself the most important question. What do I actually want? Not what does everybody want from me, not what looks responsible, not what keeps the peace, what do I want? And when you've sat and spent years not asking the question, the silence when you finally ask is so loud. You know why? Is because you know it's it's like because you realize you've been living someone else's version of you for your whole life. Not because anyone forced you, but because it was easier than just building one of your own. And that's what's going rogue means to me. It's not rebellion, it's a reclamation, it's looking at life and saying, I built some of this on autopilot. Now I'm going to build the rest on purpose. Going rogue is not rebellion. So how do we actually do that? I want to give you two things a way to check yourself and to move you forward. So I'm gonna give this is a way to do an audit, going rogue audit, okay? So I want you to rate yourself right now in these seven areas on a scale from one to ten and be honest, nobody's watching, okay? Health, how are you really treating your body? Faith. How connected do you feel to God right now in relationships? How are you lifting? How are how are in relationships? Are you the one doing all the lifting? Are you being drained for financing? Um, finances? Are you building or just surviving? Do you walk into a room like you belong there? Are you living on purpose? Do you wake up with a decision or do you just go through all emotions? And lastly, when when did the when did when was the last time you did something that stretched you? Now look at the lowest number on the list. Right? What's the lowest number? That's not failure, that's your starting point. And I want to ask you one more question. Which area have you accepted as good enough when you know God is calling you higher? Well, now that you know where you are, let me give you a framework for where you're going. I call it the go rogue method. Five letters, and then right after that, the yes framework that's been changing how I make decisions. So for the go rogue framework, go rogue. We're using the G, the O, the R O U R O G U E. So, G, get honest about what you've normalized, what you have been complaining about, what you've stopped complaining about, the exhaustion, the stalling, the things you've accepted so long, it just feels like life. Oh, own your part without punishing yourself. Make the choice. So did I, right? We have to own it, own every part of it. We have to make different decisions, and we have to be accountable without self-destructing. Okay, or we have to recognize whose voice is actually judging us because half the time it's our own, right? And and you can't and you can change the narrative. Nobody else is keeping score the way you think they are, and I promise you that. You upgrade one area of your life once a week. Health, finance, relationship, goals, one area, one upgrade. Do it this week, not your whole life, one thing, one small move can make big shifts. E, we're gonna execute before we feel ready. Ready is a feeling, it's not a state. You don't feel ready to leave your job, you don't feel ready to start a journey. So do this the same way. Okay, go rogue, right? Get honest, don't punish yourself, recognize your inner thoughts, make a change, at least one thing different this week, and then just do it. Just do it. I was procrastinating for weeks on the 5K, and this past week, I said, you know what? I'm just gonna just purchase it. I'm not gonna keep procrastinating. I'm gonna purchase the 5K run and I'm gonna do it. So it felt like weight lifted off to my shoulder because it's something that I wanted to do, but I've been procrastinating, but I know I wanted to do it, and it's just like rah, mah, ma. My head was telling myself, girl, you're not ready. But then my body was like, girl, yes, you are. My future me is like, girl, you're gonna be so excited. The old me is like, Siobhan, we know you ain't about to run no 5K. But I got through it, I purchased it, and we are gonna be doing a 5k in October, Libra month. Before my skills be having me lean in, we're doing it in October. Um, okay, this part here. Thank you for allowing me to go through my tangent, but I'm back. Okay, now picture her the woman you're becoming, not the woman you're trying to be, not the woman people expect, the woman God is building you right into right now, every single day, every hard day, every restart, every brave yes. Five years, healthy, strong, proud of her, and what she can do. Ten years at peace, no guilty, no apology. 15 years, she built something real. She knows who she is, she exists, she is not a fantasy, she is not just some delusion, right? She is making logical results and making decisions to start today. She needs you to show up for her now. Every workout is for her, every boundary is for her. Every time you choose yourself, that's for her. Every time you forgive yourself, that's for her. You are not starting over, you are starting from exactly where you are, and that's enough. I don't want to I don't want this to just be something that you felt for the last 20 minutes, and then we're going back to the day. I want this to move you. So here's your homework. And yes, I said homework because what we're building something here, right? So this week, three things before this week is over. Write a forgiveness letter to your past version of yourself. One paragraph. Tell her you understand why she did what she did, and you're not ashamed of her, you're releasing her. Put that pen down and let her go. Then write down what the woman you're becoming looks like in five years and be specific. Not vague goals, her life, her body, her peace, her freedom. Make her real on paper, okay? And then last thing, do one thing in the next 24 hours that is purely for you, not for the business, not for your family, for you. And do it without get. I mean, do it without guilt, okay? And not next week, not next month, okay. 24 hours. The last one. Is the hardest. Um, the last one is is is the hardest, right? For us to do most of the time. Being able to take 24 hours to just do something purely for us and unapologetically without guilt. But do it anyway. You have 24 hours. Okay. Uh, before I let you go, I do want to leave with something because this episode wasn't just for me today, it was for you. Listen, you've survived some things. You've built, you've bent, you didn't break, you've gotten knocked down, and you keep getting up. You started over more times than you can count, and somewhere in the middle, all that surviving, you forgot to start living. The end of that season is now. The woman that you're praying to become, she is not waiting to be perfect, she's not waiting for the perfect moment. She is not waiting for you to lose weight first or to heal first or to get it all together. She's waiting on your yes. She's waiting on you to stop apologizing for wanting more. Stop punishing yourself for the phases you've already survived. Stop letting the voice in your head be the loudest one in the room. So this week, go rogue. Find yourself in the mess and the progress and in the between. Forgive yourself for all of her, every version, every chapter. Love yourself. Not just the woman you're becoming, but the woman who's doing all the work now because she deserves love too. And I want to leave you with one thing I had to learn the hard way in these last two weeks. Going rogue is not a moment. It's not one episode, it's not one decision, it's not one breakthrough that you have and you're all done. Going rogue is a lifestyle. It's choosing over and over every single day to say yes to the things that scare you, to keep choosing growth, even when fear and procrastination try to talk you out of it. It's a journey, not a destination. So, wherever you are in this journey today, whether you're just starting or you're two weeks in, or you're behind where you think you should be, you are in the midst of it all. And you are in the midst of becoming. You are not behind, you are not too late, you're going rogue, and baby, that is a lifestyle. I am Siobhan. This is the Rebirth Edition. I will see you next week. Come back ready to keep going rogue with me.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

This is where I return. Let these with the broken heart. If you need a sign, let this be your dawn. 40 is not the ending, it's the fire. I'm Level 40, rebirth. Level 40, rebirth. I'm becoming myself in the life. Level 40, level 40. Life didn't stop here. This is where I reached. Level 40, rebirth. Grab your wine, your journey. This is level forty. The rebirth begins.