Why “Pick Me” Energy Is Killing Real Connection - ep. 223

In this episode, I’m unpacking something I noticed while putting myself back into real-life rooms, and once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.

This isn’t about confidence. It’s not about messaging. And it’s definitely not about needing a better elevator pitch.

It’s about why so many conversations feel performative instead of powerful, why polished introductions fall flat, and how “pick me” energy quietly kills real connection, even when you’re saying all the right things.

We’re talking voice, energy, orientation, and what actually creates connection when you stop auditioning and start engaging.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why networking has drifted into performance instead of connection
  
• How “pick me” energy shows up in polished, over-coached voices
  
• The difference between speaking at a room and speaking into a conversation
  
• Why telling women to “speak up” misses the real issue
  
• How the frequency of your voice changes when your attention moves outward
  
  

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Welcome back to the Limitless Life Podcast. And welcome if you're new here, I'm your host, Brenda Johnston. And if you've been in my world for a little while, you know that I have a one-year-old puppy. Well, she's just over a year old now. And she's typically with me in my office, sleeping. Sometimes she's eating things. And currently she's having potato time, which means it's her time of the day to eat her sweet potato as I'm recording this. So if you hear weird chewing noises, that's pretty much what it's all about. Also, if you've been listening for a while, you know that I am very intentional about who gets access to my energy, especially when I'm also being intentional about not just living my life online behind a screen. And for the past few years, I would say especially this past year, I have been putting myself into more rooms, into more real life things, into more conversations, um, more face-to-face connections. Because I genuinely believe that in this phase that we're in right now, in this new era we're moving into, real relationships, genuine connections matter more than they ever have. And that's what brought me into a room recently that is what sparked this entire conversation that we're going to be having today. I was surrounded by smart, capable, dynamic women. And they were women with experience on all different levels, and they all had real lives behind them and all the things. And what hit me almost immediately was the energy of the introductions that were being made. A lot of them were very performative. And it was like introductions that sounded like resume highlights. It was these voices trying to position and posture instead of actually connect. And a lot of them were just they were really, really polished, which is why it stood out so much. It was the classic, I help women who insert your niche here statements. And listen, I say this all the time because it's true. Energy speaks before your mouth even opens. And you can feel when somebody is speaking at a room instead of into a conversation. You can feel when a voice is trying to be chosen instead of just being here to lead people. And honestly, once I felt that, I could not unsee it and I could not unhear it. You could literally hear it and feel it in the frequency. You could also feel the effort it was taking them to hold the delivery of what they were trying to say. And here's the thing: once you notice that frequency misalignment, once you feel that effort coming out of the person's voice, you start seeing the pattern everywhere. So then that's all I was hearing in the room. And in the conversations that were being had, in those introductions that technically were saying the right things, they were totally missing the moment. They were voices circling themselves over and over. It was like over-explaining word salad instead of actually connecting with other people. And I feel like this is where a lot of people get it wrong. They make this immediate conclusion that it, oh, it must be a visibility issue. Oh, it's a confidence block. Or maybe, well, maybe somebody's just shy and they need more practice networking. And so then you start getting this advice that is so generalized and so predictable and so cookie-cutter. Oh, you just need to speak up more, practice your pitch more, get clearer on your message, say it with more conviction, make better eye contact, project that confidence. But listen, standing in that room, that was not the feeling that I was feeling at all. Many of those women did not lack confidence. If anything, they were trying to manufacture the confidence because you could feel how much effort it took just to hold those deliveries together, like I said. And it wasn't because they didn't know what they were doing, it's because they're using strategies and tactics that don't match how their energy is designed to communicate. And that is a very different problem. When someone is coached to speak in a way that isn't a natural part of their design, and listen, we're all unique. That's when you start getting the over-explaining, the positioning, the posturing, the mismaster frequencies that is running underneath the words. And we keep telling women to speak up when honestly the real issue is that they don't know what conversation they're even here to lead. So instead of leading, they're over-explaining themselves. Instead of connecting, they're posturing or peacocking, as I like to call it. And here's what became very clear to me in that moment. I was as I was in that room with these women. And it was interesting because it's it's something I already know, but to see it in a room full of people in real life, it was it was just it landed differently. So what I'm getting, what I'm gonna say here is when somebody doesn't know who they're speaking to, that's when their voice starts compensating. That's when they're gonna start adding more context than is actually needed and explaining things that don't actually need to be explained. And their voice and the frequency behind it is gonna try to make sure that the other person is following along, which is usually where you completely lose people. When someone does know who they're for, none of that is happening. Their voice isn't managing itself or checking a room and adjusting in real time to see if it's landing with people. It's just landing. The person who does know who they're for isn't trying to be understood by everybody, and they're not trying to earn their place in the conversation. They're speaking from a very clear internal place, and that is what you feel. That's the energy you feel. And what's so interesting about this, this is why being in a networking room makes this so obvious so quickly because when you were in those environments, there's no context carrying you. You're usually meeting people for the first time, and people likely haven't binged your content before. There's no long-form explanation that's setting you up before you speak. You are meeting people cold in real time, and the interaction is happening right there in front of you. And I think what a lot of people don't realize is that in those moments, the room isn't really responding to what you're saying, it's responding to where you're speaking from. Yes, the energy behind your words. You can literally watch it happen. Two people can say almost the exact same thing, but one interaction feels very alive and connected and amazing and empowering, and the other one feels very flat and very awkward and very forced. I saw a lot of performing in that room. And it's about whether the person is actually anchored in something when they're speaking, or whether they're still trying to find their footing as they go, and there's no judgment. We've all been there. Networking removes the buffers that usually hide that uncertainty, and it also removes the layers that normally do the work for you. Networking is about making connections, or at least like it's supposed to be. And I just feel like somewhere along the line, somewhere along the way, that got distorted into this weird self-promotion and positioning and proving that you belong in the room. And you know, that's always where things start to go sideways. And this is where the shift actually happens when we're talking about networking, okay? And this is something it took me a while to understand. Real networking isn't actually about you in the most, well, in the way that most people mean it. It's not in a, I'm not talking about like, it's not about you in a self-sacrificing, people-pleasing way. I mean this in a very practical way. It's not about you auditioning for approval. It's about engaging as a woman who has something useful to contribute. Because if your inner focus is, do they like me? Am I saying it right? Am I making sense? Your voice is going to give you away every time. Well, actually, your frequency will, but your voice will make it very clear that you're being given away by your frequency. You're gonna start talking faster, you'll hear that little upward inflection at the end of sentences, like you're asking for permission. You'll add extra context, extra details, extra proof. You might do the nervous laugh thing, you'll pad the sentences so nobody can misunderstand you. But when you shift to what do the people I'm speaking to need? What problem are they in? Or what or who do I know that could be useful here? The frequency behind your voice changes on its own. Because you stop trying to convince and you start speaking like you're in a real conversation with a real human. And that is the part most people miss, especially these days with all of this scripted AI stuff that we're seeing everywhere online. Your voice doesn't get stronger and more stable because you practiced your pitch more in front of the mirror. It does that because your attention moves outward. True networking is not about here's what I do, please pick me. It's tell me what you're building, and if I can help, I'll tell you exactly how. So I'm gonna leave you with this. Because I don't know about you, but I don't want more surface level conversations or more performative networking or more situations where everybody is trying to talk over each other and to manage how they're being perceived. I want conversations that actually feel real and connections that don't feel rushed or regurgitated, like they're forced sales scripts that your coach gave you. Let's start asking better questions instead of chasing louder answers. This is actually why I started writing on my Substack recently. I've had a Substack for years. I just I was a lurker. And I've realized because I can feel it in my bones, in my energy, that I'm meant to be writing on Substack. I love writing. So what I'm doing is over on Substack, it is the version of the limitless life uncensored that has been waiting to come out. It's a space just for like honest thinking where we can just connect, especially for women who are in that in-between space and don't want another fucking formula or framework thrown at them. The space over there is for you if you want to lead with your true voice, not the one you've been coached into or the one you used to sound right, but the one that actually feels natural in your body when you speak. There are gonna be grounded thoughts that I usually soften for other platforms, just saying shit plainly. And listen, it's not always gonna be tidy, they might be half thoughts, I don't know, but they will always be grounded. And what matters to me is that it's not about algorithms or chasing reach or trying to say things in a certain way so that the posts perform better. Because honestly, I'm fucking over that. And it is definitely not about piling more emails into your inbox just for the sake of staying visible. Cause I'm over that too. Over on Substack in that space, it's a much slower and more intentional space over there. You read when you want, you engage when something lands. Absolutely no pressure to keep up. So if this episode resonated with you and you've been feeling that pull towards having those more genuine conversations, that's the kind of space I'm holding over there. So I'm gonna put the link in the show notes. It's free. Just subscribe so that you get notified when I put something in there. Go check it out. If it resonates, cool. You'll know you're in the right place. And if it doesn't, cool. You don't have to stick around. Until next time, here's to creating your limitless life.