BTA Healing & Empowerment with (IRISH JEAN BENTON)

Irish Jean Benton is a resident of Concord, North Carolina.

Irish is a self-published Author, writing four books in recent years, with her first title being ‘Breaking His Silence’ which depicts her story of surviving domestic violence and abuse.

This title won her the 2016 Author of The Year Award through Queen City Awards in Charlotte NC.

Irish became a member of the Charlotte Mecklenburg Domestic Violence Speakers Bureau through the Charlotte Mecklenburg Community Support Services training program in 2017.  

Irish has had the opportunity to speak at many events to spread awareness on this national issue.

In October of 2022 Irish received the Jill Dinwiddie ‘Courage to Soar’ award given by the Jamie Kimble Foundation for Courage in Charlotte NC. 

She is currently an advocate to domestic violence victims with which she helps find safe housing and resources to assist women and children in the state of North Carolina and she also practices Christian Counseling and Coaching services with her H.O.P.E (Helping Other People Evolve) ministry.

Irish felt that women needed a guide and compass to not only survive after the traumatic experiences of domestic violence or toxic relationships.  The goal for her books is to teach women self-improvement and empowerment. Irish preaches self-love is the best love and gift we can only give to ourselves.

One of Irish’s favorite quotes comes from the movie ‘The Woman King.’

IN ORDER TO BE A WARRIOR, YOU MUST KILL THE TEARS!

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 1:03

I am doing well. Again, I am Irish Benson. I am a domestic violence advocate. I am an author. In fact, I have written four books, yay for me, and I am a Christian counselor. Thank you for having me on your show.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Well, number one, I think that it's pretty awesome about the profession that you do. And uh I have a co-host with me today, Ms. Denise. Hey everybody. So today I think this is our this is our first ARS DRD star ASFRC, 1946, 1550. So we're gonna start off with some uh some hard-hitting questions. Uh first, I I would like to talk about your profession. So, in my sense, um I want to know why you do what you do as a counselor. So, why why a counselor?

SPEAKER_05 2:31

Wow, that's a great question. Um I am a counselor because, as you stated, this is something that is not talked about in our communities often. Um we really only hear it when tragedy has hit our communities, meaning when there has been a domestic violence murder or homicide. Um, the loss of a loved one is when we typically see people gather in the community. And one of the questions that people always have is why, you know, what could we do better? What could I have done? Um, and so I am passionate about what I do as a Christian counselor because I answer those questions to the people that are fit to me and those whys and and and hows. And so I bring my experience of being a victim, a formal victim, now a victor, victor, um, I'm sorry, victorious, um victorious through that. And so I bring all of those experiences to help people understand what domestic violence is and what it isn't.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

So this is why I do what I do. Nice, nice, nice. So you say you're uh a victim and a victor. So I think that's a that's a pretty good concept right there. I think uh do you feel like when we uh say the victim, um is that is that an insulting thing to say, or is that more of like it is just a a fact or a reality check?

SPEAKER_05 4:07

You know, I think it's more of a reality check. I think when we use the term victim, it could be offensive to some people, but in reality, that's what you are. You are a victim. That's just like if you um were robbed, if somebody robbed you in your home, or somebody, you know, um physically assaults you. Um you are a victim to that. And so um sometimes, again, people could be offended by that, but statistically, uh in reality, stating that is the term that we use. We we have many victims in this thing. And my passion and my uh hope is to bring bring people to the victory, bring them to victory. It's kind of like when I'm saying this, I see people, you know, they're running the race, right? And somebody's at the finish line waiting for them, and that's me. I'm at that finish line and I'm cheering them on, and I'm like, there's a greater reward for you when you get to this finish line. So I need you to run this race, run this course, and I want you to know that you you're going to be victorious through this.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

Nice, nice. Can you can you give me an uh an idea uh about what it looks like? Because you say you're a Christian counselor, so I just want to have an idea about what it looks like uh when they walk in your office and they see you. What what is the expectation or is there an expectation? That question.

SPEAKER_05 5:33

I love that question. Listen, um I love how you say when they walk into my office, what do they see? And what they see is I always tell people, and and let's be clear, I counsel uh more women than I do men. So majority of my clients' um counselees are women. So what they see is someone who's who used to be that person that they are currently experiencing, if that makes sense. So I'm like, you know, when you look at when when when I'm talking to you and and you see me, I used to be that person that was in the assault, that person who was lost, that person who was hurt, that person who had the lost identity, and now you're looking at someone who survived it. And I love this part. And if God can do this for me, he can certainly do it for you. And it really was about a choice for me. And I want to be fair on that too, because not everybody, because somebody would say, well, you know, everybody doesn't have a choice. And that's true, everybody doesn't have a choice, but I do believe this, Sean. I believe that God makes a way of escape for all of us. And I won't go into that whole biblical thing because if y'all want me to preach, I will. But you know, it's just like with the children of Israel, you know, God gave them choices, God gave them provisions, and so just as we are today, God does the same thing. He gives us choices and he gives us provisions. And the thing is, you have to choose. What are you gonna choose? Do you choose to stay or do you choose to escape? And so it's not always easy for everybody to to just escape, you know. Um statistics, statistics say that, you know, it takes a victim at least seven times to leave the perpetrator, right? And so, you know, you have your mind made up and you have this thing, you have this thing, I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I'm leaving, but something always draws you back, right? And that was the same thing when I talk about the children of Israel. You know, they were comfortable, they had gotten used to being enslaved. And so sometimes our mentality keeps us there. And it's like, well, if I leave, what's on the other side of this? And you talked about that fear, you know, a lot of people are fearful of the unknown because I've been comfortable in this place. I I know what happens here, I'm used to it, I have an expectation of it, but if I go to the other side, I don't know what to expect. I don't know what's out there. So that is where I come in as a Christian counselor when I when I, you know, I mentor, I counsel, I coach. And it's a process. It's not an easy walk in the park. It is a process. And the reason it's a process is because we have to unlearn some things. We have to reprogram our minds. And so it is not an easy thing. It takes time. But if you're willing to put the work in and if you're willing to walk the journey, again, remember when I said I'm gonna be at that finish line waiting for you, that's where I'll be.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. I like that. I like that a lot. Oh, I think Denise got something to say here.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Yes, ma'am. Um, so you know, I myself um was a childhood victim of rape and then spent most of my adult life in abusive relationships. Um but can you tell us because it took me probably close to 20 years to understand that that was what was happening to me. And I just thought it was the norm because it was all I had ever known. Um, can you explain to us the different types of abuse that exist out there?

SPEAKER_05 9:22

So there are several types of abuse that we can identify. Of course, the one that I like to talk about most is everybody's familiar with the physical. The physical is is very visible. You know, physical is the hitting, the kicking, the the spitting, the pulling of the hair. It's it's it's all kind of elements in the physical. But then there is that emotional abuse, right? That's the one that's silent, that's the one that nobody knows really what you're struggling with internally. And then there is, you know, there's financial abuse, there's what you just talked, sexual abuse, there is um uh mental abuse. I mean, there's so many levels of abuse under that one umbrella that you just have to kind of uh depict and you have to, and and like you said, you don't know, you don't know what because it when you grow up in it and you see it for years, it is normal. That is your normal. And I also like to say that it sometimes is people it it becomes the love language in that house, right? Like where we can't compromise, where we can't sit down as adults and have civilized um conversations, but we have to fight it out, or we have to curse it out, or we have to hit it out. It becomes a normal, natural love language, and that is so abnormal. That is so abnormal. So um you're not able to really identify that until you're out of it. And then when you get out of it and you start living a normal, civilized life that can sometimes look like uh foreign, and then you're able to go, wow, now I can see the dysfunction, and that's the word I want to use. Now I can look back and see the the dysfunction formalities that I lived in for years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

Yeah. So I can definitely say that all of that is true because I've have felt that, you know, myself. Um, and feeling like, okay, I'm moving into a normal relationship now, the way that it was intended by God to be. But I don't know how to react to someone who says, oh, I'm sorry that I made you feel this way, or you know, I'm sorry that what I said triggered this. You know, I no longer know how to respond because I'm used to responding back with anger or with fear, or you know, um my thing was people pleasing. Um in order to avoid the abuse, I trained myself in all the ways possible to not come into those situations, though anybody that's been through it knows that there's nothing you can do and no amount of pleasing that you can provide that's going to keep your abuser from abusing it. They are always gonna find a reason why. Um but the hardest thing, yeah, the hardest thing for me has been um learning how to move on from being a strict people pleaser to owning who I really am and that being okay. How would you um how would you suggest for people that they even begin that transformation?

SPEAKER_05 12:25

Yeah, remember I I was mentioning about how we have to relearn and we have to reprogram our minds because one of the things I know being a formal victim is that you you you just really said it. They teach you and they they train you little by little to fit into their world. And so what that basically means is they're tra they're they're they are training you to be submissive to them, to their behavior. They're training you to be okay with their behavior, if that makes sense. So they are literally taking you, and it's almost like I don't know why I have this this this um vision in my head, but it's almost like training a dog, you know, how to be obedient to its master. And this is this this is what these perpetrators do. So you come in, you you you may have, I know you said you come from a dysfunctional family as it is, and most of the time, believe it or not, most of the time, um predators, and that may the perpetrators. I'm sorry, we may have to go back and re-edit some of this, but perpetrators, um, they can identify wounded warriors, if that makes sense. Most perpetrators can almost identify wounded warriors, meaning women that have been broken, women who have low self-esteem, no confidence, women who are just looking to be loved by anybody, any means. Most perpetrators can identify them quickly. And so it's only a matter of time for them to draw you in. They they love bomb you, they, you know, they they they they try to make you think that you're special to them, but all along they're just reprogramming you into their program, and then that's when the the abuse starts happening, and then you're like, Well, what happened? How did I end up in this? And again, they can almost identify uh a wounded warrior a mile a mile away.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

Right, right. And it's definitely a pattern because I found that myself in that pattern. I'd move from one relationship and find something that I thought was going to be great, and it would end up being the same thing all over again. And I found myself asking, how do I always end up in these situations? I know I don't want to be here, but I keep ending up here, you know, and it's exactly like you said, they they saw it in me. Even though I wasn't seeing it in me, they did.

SPEAKER_05 15:04

And I love that too, Denise. Um, when we operate in patterns and it's back to back, and how do I keep meeting the same type of man, different face, different face, but the same behavior, right? And a lot of times we do that is because we have not healed. And that's one of the big things that I I try to emphasize is you have to find a place to heal. And healing could take, you know, it's it's different for everybody, but you have to heal from family, you have to heal from romantic relationships that were toxic and abusive, you have to heal from even, you know, from from the damage you created yourself, you know. So healing has different phases, and when you don't heal, it's just like a band-aid. I I love using that too. It's just like when you get a scratch or you know, you've got some kind of sore on your on your arm, and that's I'm just using that. But and you go and you get a band-aid, right? And you put that band-aid over it, what are you doing? You're just covering it up, but underneath, underneath, that thing still has some healing to go through. But we're so quick to snatch that band-aid off as soon as it starts to look like it's gotten a little bit better. And when we pull that band-aid off, you kind of start to bleed again because you've not let the full effects of healing happen. So that's what happens happens when we continue to transition from relationship to relationship to relationship, and you find yourself in that pattern with the same type of person. And it's like, wow, and and and if I want to say this, and I know we have to move on. Um, one of the things I could identify as a formal victim in a woman who had lost her identity, who just wanted to be loved by anybody, by any means, is that I was attracting people that were broken just like me. So when you're not healed, guess what? You're going to attract people that aren't healed. When you're healed, when you are completely healed, and when I say healed, I mean, and listen, none of us are perfect. You know, we all still have things that we're we're gonna deal with. But when I mean when you are healed to be able to identify, uh you you would be able to fight a person that's unhealed in a second, just by conversation, just by body language. So whenever you are healed, you can't attract an unhealed person because they can see it on you. And remember when I went back to say that a perpetrator can identify a wounded warrior, it's all about body language, it's all about communication, it's all about the low confidence. They can, they can, they can smell it, they can sense it. But when you are healed, anybody, woman or man, when you are completely healed, you can only attract a healed person. Because healed and unhealed isn't is it's not a match.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

I love that. I love that. It's just like uh like blood uh you know, just attracting sharks. So it would be just kind of like that. But how how would you in the profession now, how would you put those uh, I guess 12 steps uh to healing? How would you put those in um, I guess in a track? Like if we were if we were is it individually uh working with the person, depending on who it is, how would you help them held as a counselor?

SPEAKER_05 18:48

Yeah, and so that's a great question too. And I it's not so much as a 12-step, you know, I but but every step does help. Um, I wrote a book called Um, the last book that I wrote was called Um You Survive the Toxic Relationship. Congratulations. Now what? Meaning, what do you do now? Right? So everybody that's healing, everybody that's coming out of the trenches, you need a compass now. You need a guide. So the first thing that I always say is that now that you're out, what do you want to do? And that is you've got to start thinking about putting yourself at top priority. Because you've already put everybody else before you. You've already, you know, you you've gone through all of what you're gonna go through. What now what do you want to do with that? So I always tell people, number one, let's work on our mental health, let's focus on our mental health, let's focus on our spiritual health, let's focus on it. Here's the big one. Let's focus on our financial health because a lot of victims that come out of those relationships were codependent. And when you're codependent, you depend on those people for, you know, lack of a better term, you know, your finances, your livelihoods, your, you know, where you're living, how you so now when you come out of that, you gotta refigure all of that. Well, you know, how am I gonna survive now? So I try to teach um dependency versus codependency. So let's work on our financial health. How do we do that? We got to look at our money, we got to look at where we can save, we gotta look at where, you know, we can take care of ourselves. Um, I talked about the spiritual health, the emotional, the emotional health. You have to deal with that because a lot of that trauma, a lot of that leaves so much trauma. Um, you're you're you're hurt, you're broken, and you're just down. So we have to rebuild. Like I'm literally, I take people from the ground. One of the one of the exercises I do with people that just had this visual too, is that um I have this picture of a tree, right? So you've got the trunk of the tree, and then, and I don't know if you guys have uh Sean and Denise, if you've ever seen this, but it would be interesting for you to see. You know, we always see the outside of the tree, right? You've got the trunk, and then you've got all these branches, and depending on whether it's fall, whether it's summer, you you know, you got the leaves on it, and and you know, whatever. But have you ever seen the roots of a tree?

SPEAKER_00 21:16

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 21:20

It's it's massive. So people normally don't, we don't see that. But if you can ever look at the visual of the roots underneath that tree, that's where it all starts. Even Denise, what you were talking about, that family dynamic coming from. If you look at the root, all of that roots that you gotta deal with that. So I like to take my clients to the roots, and then we work our way up because we need to identify where this started, and that means who, what, when. Who, what, when, because even in the healing process that I talk about. Out, forgiveness has to come in that. That's a part of that healing. So we need to know who's in the roots. We need to know where to pull them from. What do we need to forgive them? First and foremost, let's identify what the issue was, whether it was a fault, whether it was, you know, whatever that hurt was, whatever you got. Let's identify that earth. And then we work on that forgiveness part because if you can't forgive, you can't fully heal. Because you're always going to be carrying that weight and that burden around. So I just wanted to give you guys that visual. We only see the, we only see the the surface of the tree, but we don't even see all of that stuff that's going down in the in the roots of that thing and how massive it is. Yeah. So that some of the things that I try to educate people on is, you know, not so much as a 12-step, but you know, six or seven processes that we work through. And most of those are mental, emotional, psychological, financial. We have to deal with those things head on. If we want to heal, and if we ever want to walk in our freedom, we have to deal with those things first.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

Right, right, right. And I love that you talk about the roots and where we come from. Um, because one of the most challenging aspects in my experience was having family and friends who didn't understand or didn't know how to cope with what was happening. Um so for me, my family and circle of friends at that time was uh a negative trigger for me, even when I was trying to remove myself from the situation because they had a lot of anger for things that uh they viewed as I did to them while I was in those relationships. So my last my last marriage, my husband was really good at isolating me from people, but he did it in such a way that they thought it was me pulling away to devote all my time to him and kind of putting them on the back burner. Um so I'm curious to know, in your opinion, how how you feel that the response of family and friends or um yeah, family and friends, how it changes your journey of recovery. And speaking to the family and friends um that are in an abused person's life, how can they best support that person as they're going through the healing journey?

SPEAKER_05 24:33

Yeah. So many things you said, Annette, I wanted to just go back on something really quick when you talk about that isolation. I really want listeners to know that that is one of the most uh um, I I would say one of the most detrimental things that a victim could ever experience while going through um a domestic violence rela in a domestic violence relationship. Because that isolation is it's really a trick because number one, what they do is if they can isolate you, nobody has access to you but them. Also, in the isolation, you begin to trust them because they virtually turn you against everybody else. I know for me it was nobody loves you, I'm the only one that loves you, and you begin believing that when they say it over and over and over. They don't love you, I'm the only one that loves you, and then you start believing it, and then you start kind of trusting them just a little bit more. So that is one of the oldest tricks that perpetrators do is to isolate the victim. And when they are assaulting or abusing the of the um the victim, the victim has nowhere to go because you've pretty much isolated and you've pretty much closed everybody else off. So you have nowhere to go. You have no one to vent to, no one to talk to. And that is what they do. And I really want the listeners to understand and hear what we're saying tonight. Isolation is very, very crucial in a domestic violence relationship because you have no avenue. Now, back to your question is one of the things I was thinking about, um, Denise, um, when it comes to family and when it comes to friends, and you need that support, um the most that we could do, and I know for me now, especially being a Christian counselor and a mentor, is I really try to be that listening ear. Because what I've had to realize is that I I can't push people to do what they don't want to do, what they may not even be ready to do. But I can be a I can be a sounding board. I can just be there to listen and to be there to advise and give the best, the best tips possible, right? But the other thing I was thinking about this, and this is so important for every person that is listening, that may or may not know anybody who's in a domestic violence situation, is just to love on them. Do not judge them because you don't know what they are really going through. Even when I was sharing with my family and my friends what I was experiencing, I still had not made up my mind to leave the person that I was in love with. Because I was in love with my abuser. So I, even though he was hurting me, he was harming me, I just needed someone to listen to me, right? I just needed someone to be there at the moment. But it wasn't until I made up my mind to leave. When I made up the my mind to leave, is when it changed everything. Um, and I want to be clear about this because I really want to answer your question. Um, in one of my books I wrote, um, this this just one little segment, I wrote, people can only give you what they have, right? And that means if I don't have the information, I can't give it to you. If I don't know how to love properly, I can't give it to you. Does that make sense? And so a lot of times when we look at our family dynamics, they don't know what to say. They don't know how to handle it, they don't know what to give you in that instance. So the only thing they can do is give you what they have. And that might just be, well, you know, you should just leave them. Well, you know, I don't know why you're in it anyway. Well, you got yourself in there. You you you follow me? Yes, sir. So sometimes people just don't know what to say.

SPEAKER_04 28:33

Right.

SPEAKER_05 28:33

They just don't know. And this is why it's important for anybody that's on this podcast that may be in a domestic violence relationship or know someone. This is why it's so vital to know where your resources are, know who your advocates are in your city, in your state. It's important to get out to events. When we host events in October, um, Denise, the room should be full. The events should be overcrowded. We are there bringing awareness, but but you know what, uh, Sean and Denise, this happens every single day. This is not just a once-a-year incident. Domestic violence happens every day, all day. People are losing their lives every day, every month, every week, every year. Thousands of people are losing their lives to this massive, I mean, this is domestic violence and abuse and assault is massive. It's global. This doesn't just happen in your backyard or just in your family. It is an epidemic. And so when we have podcasts like this, when we have conversations like this, it is important. It is so important. People need to know the signs, people need to know what to do. And again, know your resources, know who you can talk to because I am I am so big on getting the correct information versus if you don't know. If if you go to a family member or a friend and they just don't know and they don't have the right answer, seek somebody who has the right answer because your life depends on it.

SPEAKER_02 30:21

Right. Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it. So I'm I'm looking at it right now, like um listening to everything that's been talked about right now. And I know at the end of this uh segment, we're definitely gonna have to um you know, we're gonna put some resources on our YouTube page. Um and our social media. So this will also go out at um what with the information underneath uh the YouTube page and our social media pages. Um Irish, would you let us know how can we get in contact with you uh or let the people know how can they get in contact with you? Um do you have any um social media uh that you want to shout out or websites?

SPEAKER_05 31:08

Yeah, so right now you can find me on Facebook at Irish J Benton. Um you can also find me over on Instagram at Gene Benton70. Um I'm kind of new to TikTok, so I don't want to give that information out yet. I'm just really more over there for the entertainment. Um, but you can email me. My email address is going to be Jean, and that is J-E-A-N, last name, Benton, B-E-N-T-O-N, 70 at gmail.com. Again, that is Jean Benton 70 at gmail.com. Um, I would love to speak with anybody who's um whether you're in it or whether you uh you're coming out, uh you know somebody who who's in it, but you just don't have the right information, you just don't have the right words to say. Um, yeah, just give me a shout out and I'll be happy to walk you through that because it's very vital. Um, and I I know that, you know, and I just want to share this. Within the last two weeks, we've been seeing on the news back to back where um women of color, particularly women of color, um, that have been unalyzed by their spouses. And so when we look at domestic violence, you know, and of course it is intimate partner violence, but these were prominent women. You know, you just look at the news. Um here in Charlotte, we just had a a pastor that was that was analyzed by her husband um last weekend. And then the lieutenant governor who just committed suicide with his wife, who was a dentist. I know you all saw that uh uh on the news that he was the a Virginia lieutenant government. Um, and so it's happening again every single day. This is not just a one-time conversation, this needs to be a continuation, a conversation over and over and over and over again, because we cannot talk about it enough. October is domestic violence awareness month. We do share that with breast cancer awareness. Um, and those are two diseases. I like to I like to call it two diseases that affect women's lives, you know. And so one of the keys to that is what? Early detection. Just like a woman finding uh early detection of breast cancer, um, her chances of surviving are great. So it's just like with domestic violence, early detection, knowing the sign, knowing the red flags, the sooner that you recognize the flags and you get out, you have a greater success uh of living. So that's why I'm glad and honored that we share those two months together because those two diseases affect women of every nationality, every ethnicity. So it is important and vital to continue to have this conversation.

unknown 34:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

I just want to thank you for even coming on. And not only that, but we're gonna have we're definitely gonna have to have part two today, maybe on video, uh, so that way we can see the expressions. I need to see part of the I know everything is on the stairs. Okay. We just want to thank you for coming out again. Uh, we don't want to have any words.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

Yeah, I just want to say to everybody that's listening um from all of us here at Beyond the Adult we know we understand we're here to help. Um we may not be licensed professionals on all of us. Um but um we do want to help. Um we have experience in these subject matters in one way or another. Uh we know that at times listening, talking about or even thinking about what you've been through can be triggering to you. Um just know there, like Sean said earlier, we do have resources listed for you. Uh please do not hesitate to reach out to someone and get help. Do not wait until you're in a situation that you feel like your life is in danger if you even think that you're going through an abusive situation, but you're not sure. Please reach out for help. Don't wait. Um we don't want to see another statistic of cost. Our goal is to help people in a disturbing feeling of Florida.