BTA Breaking The Silence (DENISE OAKES)

Denise Oakes is a sexual assault and domestic violence survivor turned passionate advocate, dedicated to empowering others to find healing and strength. She is the author of Finding Beauty In Brokenness, where she shares her journey of resilience and restoration. As a Registered Nurse, Denise brings compassion and care to both her professional and personal life. Above all, she is a proud mother to her son, who continues to inspire her purpose and drive to make a difference.

Transcript

Speaker 2 0:04

Thank you for joining us today at Beyond the Assault. This podcast discusses sexual assault, domestic violence, and trauma, which may be triggering for some listeners. We are survivors sharing personal experiences and are not licensed professionals. Please seek qualified support if needed and take care while listening. Thank you again for joining us today.

Speaker 1:09

Also my co-host, the Denise oakes say what's up, what's up, what's up?

Speaker 1 1:16

What's up, SeanB? It's good to be here with you today.

Speaker 1:21

I know, I know. Normally you're on the other end of me, but today we are on two different ends. I am in Greenville, South Carolina right now, and she is in Myrtle Beach. And just representing, you know, Myrtle Beach and things that you do and how you do things there. Tell the people who you are and what you do.

Speaker 2 1:44

All right. Well, as Sean said, I am Denise Oakes. I am a co-host of Make History Podcast Beyond the Assault. Um, I am a registered nurse. I am also a sexual assault and domestic violence survivor. And while I might not have any credentialing licensing in the department of counseling, I am very familiar on the healing journey. So I hope that something that I have been through or experienced will help someone else who's listening today.

Speaker 2:13

I think that's pretty awesome. Now, we are in the midst of doing a lot of transitions, and you're gonna hear a lot more people coming on to be on the assault episodes that are happening within a couple of months here. We have one coming out in May 1st, and a couple of other ones that are being um coming out when we record the movies. And we were able to uh get them on beyond the assault and be able to tell their stories as well as um we have counselors to be able to professional counselors that we're able to um try to get some understanding about uh domestic views and uh sexual assault. But today we have actual survivors, um here to share the story, and I have a couple questions for you today. Um first of all, I just want to tell you that you know how brave you are, uh how wonderful you are because everybody can do what you're doing right now. And um this is for all the young people and older people um that are able to listen to this podcast, just know that you do have a voice, uh you do have uh platform, and we do have um places for you to go because we will share those resources at the end of um this podcast on video or uh through the podcast where you can get resources for help at the end of the day. So then he folks, let's put the platform up to you and let's go ahead and uh share your story. How how did all of this come about and why do you have a passion for uh sexual assault and domestic violence?

Speaker 2 4:02

Wow. So that's a big question. Um, it is something in my life that I have kept secret for a very long time. Um, I'm actually just now to the point where I'm coming out about what I've been through and what it took to get where I'm at today. Um, unfortunately, because this started for me in childhood, there wasn't a lot that I knew about. You know, I was I was 10 years old when I was sexually assaulted, um, and I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know who to go to. Um, my parents were aware of what happened, but unfortunately they didn't know where to turn either. Um, I think back at that time it was something that just wasn't widely talked about. So it was like a sweep it under the rug and let's not deal with it kind of situation. Um, and unfortunately, that wasn't a good method for me in dealing with what happened. I was taught to bury it and not think about it, but that has even more effect on you than if you are to open up and talk about what you're feeling. Um, burying those feelings caused me to have some responses that I didn't understand what they were at such a young age. Um, you know, I began eating to hide my feelings, um, which caused me to gain weight at a rapid, a rapid rate. Um, and nobody could understand why that was happening or why I was all of a sudden eating all the time because it was the only way that I could figure out how to handle what I was feeling and going through on the inside. I was expected to be quiet and not talk about it outside of our family. Yes, I could go to my parents, but they didn't know what to say either. It wasn't something that they had experienced. Going to counseling wasn't a big thing back then. Um, they did attempt, I will say that one time, to take me to counseling. However, sitting me down in front of an older gentleman who very much reminded me of the experience that I had just been through wasn't the best of scenarios for me. So that wasn't a good thing. Um but for a long time I tried to pretend like everything was fine. Everything was good. I was just a normal kid doing my thing, you know, putting on that smiley outside face for everyone else so they couldn't see what I was feeling on the inside or how terrified I was every time we went somewhere, always looking over my shoulder, being mindful of where I sit when I walk into rooms and restaurants so that I can see who's entering and exiting the doors, just being very aware of my surroundings at all times and who's around me. Um that was something that nobody noticed about me. Um, and unfortunately, it took me nearly 36 years to find um someone who was able to help me process what I was going through, help me to identify my trauma responses, um, and actually get down and deep to what I was actually feeling because I had buried my feelings for so long. I had difficulty identifying what I was even feeling. So that was the beginning of my journey for me, was really just sitting with what I was feeling and trying to figure out what that meant for me.

Speaker 7:09

What do you want people to understand um about survivors?

Speaker 2 7:16

Um, really that we're not asking you to fix the problem when we come to you. Sometimes we just need somebody to hear us, to listen to what we've been through, give us that out, to voice and release those emotions and those feelings that we're having. Um, and that every survivor's journey is not the same. You know, just because you talk to this one person and letting them vent one time, they were okay after that. It may take somebody else five, ten, twenty, thirty, even forty years to get to the point that they're okay with what happened to them. And I'm not saying okay, like it was okay that this happened, but they're mentally and emotionally okay with the journey that they've been through and they're in a good place now. Not everybody's gonna get there at the same rate or even the same way.

Speaker 8:07

Right, right. Well, stop sharing uh anything that you're uncomfortable with. Um, how did your journey as a survivor begin?

Speaker 2 8:22

So well the journey began, you know, the moment that the sexual assault happened. Um that journey wasn't always a healthy journey um during that time. I became very sexually promiscuous because my thought process was if I never say no, it can't happen again. That is a very warped way to think about it. But that was what my mind told me in order to protect myself. Um and it took until I got married um to understand. But even before I got married, I was in and out of very abusive relationships because I didn't understand what it meant to be loved for who I was. Like I thought love was hurt, love was pain, you know, love was making people feel like those were emotions that I could identify, that I knew what they were, so I was comfortable with them. Even though I didn't like them, I was comfortable with them. So it was what I subconsciously was seeking out. Um, and I spent from my early 20s into my early 40s in and out of abusive relationships, both physically, mentally, emotionally. Yeah. And um, thankfully for me, I ran into um a church that I quickly fell in love with. Um the pastor and the first lady at that church were very understanding and helpful. I felt safe in talking to them and sharing what was going on with me. They spent time praying with me. They prayed, they fasted, you know, whatever I needed when I called on them, they were there. They would sometimes just listen. They would encourage me to face some of my fears, to try to get past. They tried to encourage me for six years to speak out about what happened to me, and it took until now. And it was really just them standing beside me, encouraging my relationship with God, telling me it's okay to feel whatever I feel about what I've been through, and that there's nothing for me to be ashamed of.

Speaker 10:33

Right, right. I mean, like, what would you tell some young people that might be going through this uh type of uh abuse or or if they are listening uh to this podcast right now and they're trying to figure out like what to do or what to say, what would you say to those young people?

Speaker 2 10:54

I would tell them to trust their gut. Um our instincts, especially when you've been through some sort of traumas, tend to be on high alert. So if you find someone that you feel like you can really talk to, do it. Find that person. Everybody needs somebody that they can lean on to get through this journey. It's something that would be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to get through by yourself. Um, so so don't hesitate to trust that person that you feel like is going to be there for you and listen to you. They may not have the answers. They might not know how to tell you what to do or what to say or what to feel, um, but they can be there to be a leaning post, somebody to support you in the hard moments. I think for a lot of us that have experienced um sexual assault or domestic violence, something that we experience a lot and coming out of it is flashbacks. So you really need somebody in those moments because even though the that person's not with you and it's not currently happening, your body is responding like it is. So you need somebody that you can go to and feel safe in that moment that's gonna make you feel protected.

Speaker 12:01

Yeah, I was gonna ask you the same question right there because, like, what made you feel comfortable sharing your story today?

Speaker 2 12:08

Um, it's taken me a lot of time and a lot of prayer. Um, I've really struggled with that. I've struggled in my relationship with God. I spent a long time blaming him. You know, I spent a long time saying, Lord, why would you even let this happen to a child? Like I was defenseless. I knew nothing. I understood nothing about what was happening to me. Like I knew enough to say no when I didn't want it to happen, but of course they weren't listening, and I was a child. Who was I? I was gonna fight them off. Um, and and I got really angry with God. Like, why would you let that happen? And I spent a very long time sitting in that anger. And people would tell me, you know, throughout the years, other um people that I went to church with and people that had um a relationship with God was like everything happens for a reason. You know, this happened to you, but maybe you're supposed to use it to help someone else. Well, in that unhealed moment with myself, I was like, I don't want to help somebody else. You know, I don't care. This happened to me. Like, why did it have to happen to me? Somebody else can help them, you know, and um it took being where I'm at now. So I'm in a place in my life now where every time I turn around, God is putting somebody else in my path, someone else in my way that has experienced sexual assault or domestic violence. And they keep opening up to me. They keep talking to me. And it got me to a place where it said, okay, God, you know, I hear you. You're telling me this is my purpose. This is why I experienced what I experienced, because you knew these people were gonna come. And now I understand their journey. I understand what they're going through. I can talk to them openly, honestly, let them share all the down and dirty things that you're embarrassed to talk about, and know that someone understands what they're feeling and they're not looking down on them or judging them.

Speaker 13:57

It's very important for us to realize that, you know, uh, we're places where people can judge and look at people and think that everything's okay, but you know, sometimes it's it's okay not to be okay. Um, you know, dealing with this type of, you know, sexual assault, domestic violence type of uh error. We see it happening in our communities, we see it happening in our neighborhoods. Um, you know, that's why I'm so glad that we are putting the own platform for BTA because uh stuff like this is very needed, and I'm very grateful that you're able to open up about these type of uh situations because you are a survivor and you're one of those people uh that people need to listen to and be able to learn from. So what helped you begin your healing?

Speaker 2 14:54

Um, it well, like I said before, it was helpful for me that I had somebody that I knew I could lean on, knew I could trust. Um, you know, I would tell them some of the things that were the most shameful to me. And everything that I told them stayed with them. You know, you know how you meet new people and you you try at first to test them out to see if they're gonna keep what you say to them. And that was kind of the same path that I followed, but I learned that they didn't, even though they were married, they didn't even share with each other the things that I shared with them, unless I specifically told them that it was okay to share it with each other. They didn't do that. And that was a big part of my test like, can I trust you? Can I give you all of me, everything that's bothering me, everything that worries me, everything that I'm afraid of, and know that you're not gonna turn around and walk away. Having that that fear of having people walk away from you is very strong inside of a survivor. Like you're afraid that people are afraid of who you are because of what you went through.

Speaker 16:00

That's true. So, what do you think are some myths that uh people believe about sexual assault or domestic violence um that aren't true?

Speaker 2 16:13

Yeah. So I've heard a lot of things over the years. Um, some of the things I've heard was um, well, there must have been something that you could have done to prevent that from happening. Um, or what did you do to get yourself in that situation? Um, a lot of people will put blame on the victim, and and that's something that's very hard to accept. We're already blaming ourselves for what's happening. We're our own worst enemies when it comes to that. So when you have people from the outside world even unintentionally feeding that message into you, it becomes very hard and you beat up on yourself even more. Um I know that we see in the news all the time um where people are falsely accusing other people um of rape or sexual assault. Um, and that's very difficult for me. Um I don't ever want to say somebody's falsely accused someone else because we weren't there. We weren't in that situation, and sometimes sexual assault can occur with no evidence. You know, um sexual assault is more than just being fully raped. So there's times that people can be sexually sexually assaulted and there's no evidence for anybody to pull to say whether it did or it didn't happen. Um it's not something that's a point of pride for people. So I don't think people come forward intentionally to falsely accuse people. Do I think it can happen? Yes. Unfortunately, I do believe that there are people out there that could do that. Um but I think the majority of the time if somebody's speaking out of me about being sexually assaulted, they're being honest and true about what happened to them. Um and also that um the other big thing that I think people believe is that it's something that you should get over quickly. Like the event's done, you shouldn't linger on it. Um I don't think people are aware of the effects that it have on every aspect of your life. Every aspect I hear you on that.

Speaker 18:19

Um geez, uh what kind of support do survivors need to the most?

Speaker 2 18:27

Um, survivors need somebody that's gonna listen and not judge. That's that's the biggest thing that you can give a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence. Um they need to know that people aren't gonna judge them for what they've been through. They aren't gonna blame them for what they've been through. They're just genuinely there to listen and support. We're not asking you to fix it. We just want you to listen to us, understand where we're coming from.

Speaker 18:51

Right. And I was gonna ask you about that too, is how how can friends and family buy better support uh someone who has been uh uh has experienced abuse?

Speaker 2 19:02

Mm-hmm. So one of the biggest things is understanding that that person's whole world has just changed. You know, who they used to be isn't who they are now and don't uh don't treat them differently or strangely because they react or act in different ways than they did before the trauma or assault happened.

Speaker 19:24

Well did you ever go to any resources or organizations, any anything that helped you?

Speaker 2 19:32

Um, I personally didn't at a young age, um, because I didn't understand. Um, and you know, I am a little bit older, so the internet wasn't a thing. Cell phones were not in existence um when this happened to me, so I didn't really have anyone or anything to turn to. Um as I got a little bit older, um, really into my mid-30s before I started looking online and seeing what was out there. Um I realized that some of my reactions and things that I was doing probably wasn't normal. Um, it wasn't what other people were doing. And um I started researching counselors. I did finally find a counselor. It took me a couple of times of going to different ones before I found one that's a good fit for me. Um, and that's another thing. You know, if you don't fit with your first counselor, don't feel like you have to stay there. It's not gonna offend them. They're there to help you. And if it's not the right fit for you, it's okay for you to move on and look for somebody else. You have to find that person that fits with your personality and it's gonna work well for you. That's why there's so many different types of counselors out there now.

Speaker 20:43

Yeah. I hear you about that because you you do gotta try uh test and trial. Every counselor and stuff somebody that'll be able to to understand what what you've been through and what's going on, they can relate. Um that's why we're gonna have these resources at the end of our podcast today. Um, you know, um on video. Uh we'll have them posted up for you guys to uh check out uh the organization and the phone numbers that you guys are able to reach out to. Um in this situation where you're able to show sharing your your story right now. And I'm I'm very grateful for. Uh I'm just honored to know you and to be a part of your world and just being my co-host. Um also too, if what message would you like to share with the survivors listening?

Speaker 2 21:42

Um, I just want to say don't don't wait until you're in distress to reach out to people. Um sometimes moments can creep up on you quick. You can be feeling completely normal, at ease, um, hanging out with friends, whatever, and all of a sudden it'll just hit you out of nowhere. And it's okay. Don't be ashamed of those moments. We never know what's going to trigger us. We never know what's going to cause us to flash back to that moment in time. Um, it could be something little that someone said, the way somebody places a hand on you, anything can trigger you and send you back to that moment. Don't be ashamed of that moment. Don't try to bury it and hide it. It's okay for you to feel your feelings. It's okay for you to let them out. Um, but don't stay there. Don't stay in that moment of fear and being afraid. Um, you have to remind yourself that you've already overcome that moment. You've already survived, you've made it through what some people took their lives over, and you're still here. So don't give up. Don't stop fighting. Um, find a short, you know, two, three, four word prayer that's gonna get you through that moment. Find a short Bible verse that you can, you know, tuck into the back of your mind. Something that when you get into that moment, you have something to pull you right back out and remind you of what God created you for, and that there is a purpose even in the pain that you went through.

Speaker 23:08

Wow. What uh what does strength mean to you now?

Speaker 2 23:18

Strength is not necessarily being physically strong. So sometimes strength looks like being curled up in the fetal position on the bed and crying your eyes out. Sometimes strength looks like being there to support family and friends who feel bad because of what happened to you. It didn't happen to them, but they're gonna have their emotions too, and sometimes that strength looks like being there for them in that moment. Um, sometimes strength looks like putting yourself to the side um to help someone else. You know, because there are gonna be people that cross your path that are gonna need something that you've learned in the experience that you've had, and sometimes you just have to set yourself to the side. Um it's to survive it's waking up every morning, surviving, just living your life a moment at a time, a day at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on going. That's strength.

Speaker 24:16

Absolutely, absolutely. What gives you hope today?

Speaker 2 24:22

My hope today is that um people will take advantage of the resources that are out there and that they will reach out for help. I recently came across someone um through work who is in the field of social work and mental health counseling, and we had a big debate because her focus in her studies has been on helping the um transgressors of sexual assault and domestic violence to overcome what's at the root of them that causes them to act on those feelings. And at first, when we first started talking about it, I was like, How can you want to help these people? Like they're evil. Why do you want to help them? You know, I'm like, you should be focused on trying to help the survivors, the people who had to go through this. And she's like, Yeah, but you don't understand. There's something that they went through that put them in this place. There's something that they experienced, and this is their trauma response. This is how they're responding. And she's not at all victimizing the people that are transgressors. You know, they're in control of their choices, they know what they're doing when they do it, but she understands too that there's healing that needs to be done in that place as well, and that's her focus where everybody else has turned towards survivors. She's focusing on helping the transgressors to try to stop the cycle of what's happening, stop it in its track so it doesn't continue to another generation.

Speaker 25:47

Oh wow.

Speaker 2 25:49

Right.

Speaker 25:50

This is so healthy. Yeah, this is so healthy because we need to know both ends. Um because you know, just like how it is in criminal law, um, you know, there's the people who are they've been uh violated, and then there's a violator. So we need to know what's going on psychologically um with both ends. Um and it's just important to know in the healthy. So um at this point in time, I think it's uh it's a good chance we can give our uh information out. What what do you want to tell the people?

Speaker 2 26:26

Yeah, I just want to tell everybody don't hesitate to reach out to us. Um, we might not be licensed counselors or experts, but we are a listening ear. We're here to listen and not judge. Um, you can reach us through our YouTube page at Beyond the Assault Podcasts, or you can reach us by our email at um beyond the assault at gmail.com. So I encourage you don't hesitate to reach out to us. Reach out anytime you feel like you need to talk, anytime you need a listening ear, we're here for you and we want to help.

Speaker 27:00

And on that note, we are out.

Speaker 2 27:06

Thank you again for tuning in with us today. Always remember your story did not end with your trauma. The pain was real, but healing is possible. Never give up. This journey is uniquely yours. Please like, share, and subscribe so you don't miss the next episode. Drop us a comment and let us know where you're tuning in from.

Speaker 1 27:28

Until next time, you can see that.