He Makes Me Do Things I Don't Want To

When 90-year-old Bert Cooper meets the charismatic Mark Marshall, he believes he's found a kindred spirit, a worldly, accomplished friend full of stories. His wife Diane, senses that something is off. His only child, daughter Brooke, finds the man tiresome. Within months, Bert is repeating Mark's stories obsessively and worrying about the near-stranger's rental situation. The slow erosion of the Cooper family unit has begun. This episode features Dr. Eric Partridge, whose research focused on chronic loneliness in older adults, who explains how predators step into the aching gap left by isolation and why directly confronting a predator usually backfires.

Beware Mysterious Mark is a Radio Sidney production. This project is funded in part by the Government of Canada's New Horizons for Seniors Program.

Show notes, episode transcripts and resources: mark.radiosidney.ca

Contact: info@radiosidney.ca

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to Beware Mysterious Mark. This 10-part series is a harrowing, true account of elder financial abuse. Some of what you'll hear may be unsettling. That's intentional. Because this can happen to anyone, your parent, your partner, your friend. Our goal is to expose how these schemes work, reveal the warning signs, and help you stop it before it happens to someone you love. So listen closely. Awareness is your first line of defense. And now here is episode one titled, He Makes Me Do Things I Don't Want to Do. We hear first from our storyteller Nancy Miles.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Hi, my name is Nancy Miles. I'm 68, and I'm producing this series for Radio Sydney. Honestly, this is really my partner Brooke Cooper's story, but I've been on this dark journey too. Over the last seven years, we've witnessed and experienced the systematic ruination of Brooke's family. Little sly trick by little sly trick, nasty lying comment by nasty lying comment, scheming secret action by scheming secret action. Brooke's elderly dad was deliberately unduly influenced against her, her mum, and everyone he has ever known by one man, Mark Marshall. As our concerned GP Dr.

SPEAKER_05 1:33

Kupar said to us, Brooke, this is about the annihilation of your family. Not only is your dad being financially exploited, but his life's being controlled. He's a captive in his own home, isn't he?

SPEAKER_02 1:48

A couple of caveats. The events and conversations we're going to relate, and the people who are involved, that's all true. But the names have been changed. And since we're reviewing hundreds of events, I have combined some of those conversations. Mark has relentlessly, and I have to admit, cleverly, gained control of my father-in-law by lying to him and everyone in his life, and then managing all the friends, professionals, and institutions that came to our rescue. Now Brooke and I have decided to expose it, hoping this will help others understand how undue influence works, how greedy narcissists can enrich themselves while destroying lives, and how to prevent this from happening to you or someone you love. You'll hear our story, key conversations reenacted by actors, and commentary from financial, health, and legal professions with their expert take on these serious and prevalent issues. Brooke's family was small, just her mom, Dad, Brooke, and me, her partner of over forty-five years. Her mom, Diane and Dad Bert, were incredibly close, did everything together. It was really very sweet to see. As a family, we got along very well. In fact, when we moved west over thirty years ago, her parents gave up the home, neighborhood, and friends they'd loved for decades to join us across the country. Within a year, and frankly, they never looked back. Diane and Bert had been happily married for sixty seven years before Mark arrived, and that was about twelve long years ago. I'll never forget the day when Bert rushed into the family room while Diane, Brooke, and I were having coffee. Bert was so excited to tell us all about meeting Mark.

SPEAKER_09 4:01

Why, Mark's the most interesting man. He's full of life, energy, and stories. So many adventures. He knows hundreds of people, a musician, a serious environmentalist, entertainer, an engineer. Never stops talking about himself. Successful in a number of businesses, a millionaire, investments offshore, but uh stuck in Costa Rica, he says. He's lived all over Diane. England, South Africa, all over the province, even next door to the Lieutenant Governors.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

Lieutenant governors? Really?

SPEAKER_09 4:47

That was a while ago. With his third wife.

SPEAKER_06 4:53

Third wife, Dad?

SPEAKER_09 4:54

Well, she's not anymore. Mark says he's with Donna now. She's not his wife. She's a what's it?

SPEAKER_03 5:06

A partner? That's four. How old is he, dear?

SPEAKER_09 5:12

I don't know. Mid sixties. Why does it matter? He seems to know everything, Diane. It's a real boffin. And he's got a boat a fifty footer.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

Wow. That's big.

SPEAKER_09 5:27

Yes, Nancy. And he's installed all kinds of electronic gadgets on it himself. Anyway, I I've invited him for tea tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

I know you're going to like him. Naturally, we were all pleased. When Bert met Mark, Brooke's mum was ninety three, her dad three years younger and much stronger. Their friends were all dying off, social circle narrowing, and it appeared that Bert found Mark to be a breath of fresh air. Mark began visiting Poplar Hill, as we all called the Cooper's home, every afternoon, joining Diane and Bert in their family room. The two men had a lot in common. Interests in the environment, boating, and music were big connections, and initially Diane seemed to enjoy Mark's company. Once in a while, Mark would take Bert for an outing, and that was great because recently Brooke's mum was unable to get out with Bert as much as she used to. She and Brooke were happy to see him having so much fun. Brooke had always known and liked her dad's friends, but after several months she found Mark tiresome and over the top, so she stopped visiting her parents when Mark was there. In hindsight, her first mistake. Not long after, Brooke noticed her dad was constantly singing Mark's praises, his brilliance, his abilities, his living arrangements, his interest in all things electronic. Brooke told me her dad repeated this stuff ad nauseum, and she sometimes zoned out. As many months passed, Brooke and I began to realize her dad was developing a strange and growing concern for Mark's living arrangements. Why would an elderly man worry about a seventy-year-old's rental situation? Especially when the guy boasts about being a millionaire. But Bert did worry. In fact, he often mentioned it to Brooke, like the time she recorded their conversation when they were driving to pick up groceries.

SPEAKER_09 7:41

Poor old Mark. He's on a knife's edge.

SPEAKER_06 7:45

You've said that before, Dad. What does it mean, knife's edge? Is rental?

SPEAKER_09 7:50

Yes, Brooke. You know the place he rents is owned by a policeman. Well he's worried about that. Why? Well, the policeman could get hurt on the job and have to sell, or you know. Real estate prices have been going up lately. Yeah, so well, the policeman might want to sell. I'm sure he's made a good profit on that house. He gets a good rent from Mark and Donna, and then he has the other tenant below.

SPEAKER_06 8:19

Well, I I guess renters do run that risk. I don't see why.

SPEAKER_09 8:24

Mark can't afford more. He pays fifteen hundred a month now, but he won't find anything less than two. Two thousand hat, but Mark and would love a bigger space for his choir. He could make it much larger, make more money if he had room. Something spacious like our living room. Um, your living room? Uh oh, we've just been talking, Brooke. You know what what do they call it? Blue something?

SPEAKER_06 8:50

Blue skying.

SPEAKER_09 8:51

That's it. Mark and I. We're just blue skying.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

Four years later, when we brought Brooke's mum Diane home, still fragile and weary after two weeks in hospital, Mark was standing outside the Cooper's garage. What on earth is he doing here, I thought. Then seeing him, her mum immediately whispered.

SPEAKER_03 9:17

Oh no, Brooke! No, I don't want to see him. Please. Not today. Tell him to go away. What?

SPEAKER_06 9:29

Oh, well, of course, mum. He won't bother you.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

Don't worry. And as Brooke went to talk to Mark, Bert and I helped Diane into the house. Hi, Mark. Nice of you to drop in.

SPEAKER_08 9:45

Oh, we've had your dad over for dinner every day, Brooke. Every day. We've been taking such good care of him, and we're so fond of him.

SPEAKER_06 9:55

Yes, he mentioned that.

SPEAKER_08 9:57

And we've taken him for drives, out shopping. Oh, we get along so well. But you know, Brooke, your dad feels trapped and in jail.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

Later. At home, we hashed that disgusting line over. Can you believe it?

SPEAKER_06 10:17

His tone was cold and the timing like a slap in the face. What did you say? I couldn't respond. He stopped me dead in my tracks, Nance. My mind raced. Mom's handicapped, in pain, stuck in the hospital for twelve days, and dad's trapped and in jail? It was ridiculous. I should have told Mark to mind his own business. Instead, I said I had to go and help Mom.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Don't beat yourself up. He's a jerk. You were naturally worried about your mum. She's your focus now. 2018. Diane's last year was difficult. Tough for her. She had a lot of health issues, but she was very stoic. It was such a stressful time for all of us, made worse as Bert's usual empathy and interest in Diane was fading. We didn't realize how bad this had become until Brooke and her mum were having coffee one afternoon.

SPEAKER_06 11:23

Another biscuit? How's your pain today, Mum?

SPEAKER_03 11:27

Thank you. Not too bad, dear.

SPEAKER_06 11:31

When's Dad coming back?

SPEAKER_03 11:33

I don't know. He left around one. He loses track of time when he's out with Ma.

SPEAKER_06 11:39

One? That's over three hours ago. Has he called?

SPEAKER_03 11:43

But he's enjoying himself, dear. Did you talk to Dad about the new car?

SPEAKER_06 11:50

Yes, Mum, I have. Why? Is he still trying to get you in it?

SPEAKER_03 11:56

Well, yes. Mark suggested a cushion.

SPEAKER_06 12:00

A cushion? Oh, for God's sakes. A cushion won't make any difference, Mum. You can't get in the bloody car.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

I can still manage the other car.

SPEAKER_06 12:10

Yes, of course. I can't believe Dad's pushing you, Mum. I got it. I'm sorry. I'll speak to him again.

SPEAKER_03 12:19

There's something else broke.

SPEAKER_06 12:22

Sorry, Mum, what? Well Tell me what, Mum. It's okay. What's wrong?

SPEAKER_03 12:28

Dad and I've been arguing about Mark for over two years. But Dad won't listen, and he's keeping things from me. Oh my God, Mum. I'm afraid Mark's going to live here when I'm gone.

SPEAKER_06 12:45

What? Live here, Mum. That's there's no way that'll ever happen. Hello Diane?

unknown 12:53

Oh darn.

SPEAKER_06 12:54

In here, Dad.

SPEAKER_09 12:56

Don't tell Dad. But Hello, darling. I've had a marvellous time.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

Oh how lovely dear. You're just in time for coffee.

SPEAKER_09 13:06

I'm exhausted. And Mark has so much energy. I you know, Brooke, he he's into everything I like. We've so much in common.

SPEAKER_03 13:17

Yes, yes, I know.

SPEAKER_09 13:19

The environment. That bloody sightsee dam.

SPEAKER_06 13:23

Dad, I wished you'd called me. You've been gone for three hours. We talked about this, remember? I need to know. Mum's fine, Brooke. And I didn't know we were going to be so long.

SPEAKER_09 13:35

Well, okay. Have some coffee. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

So dear, where did you go this time?

SPEAKER_09 13:42

Well, we went down to some car dealerships. Mark's not so knowledgeable. He he is a real boffin. Thinks he knows everything. He told me all about working for Ford in the sixties in South Africa.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

At the same time we were there?

SPEAKER_09 13:59

Yes, and he loved it. And he knows cars. He he was having a a great time quizzing the salesman. It was it was quite funny. Mark had him tied up in uh in knots? Yes. Poor chap, I I don't think he knew one tenth of what Mark knows about cars. You know, uh Diane, uh Mark and I were talking. He's got this lung what's it disease but he pushes through it. He he doesn't let it stop him. Um You need to be trying harder at your exercises. Dad It isn't good to sit around all day. You need to keep moving. You're not doing those hip exercises anymore. How can you ever get better if if you if you don't try?

SPEAKER_06 14:52

Ah, wait a second. That's not fair. You were with us at the specialist bone on bone.

SPEAKER_09 14:59

Well, Mark broke his back and he had to work very hard to get his movement back.

SPEAKER_06 15:06

Just come out on the deck with me.

SPEAKER_09 15:11

Mum's driving me crazy. She doesn't want to go anywhere. She's so negative.

SPEAKER_06 15:18

Negative? Come on now. That's Mark's word, right? You know damn well there's a difference between chronic pain, like Mum's hip, and an injury. I mean, how old was Mark when that happened? Oh well, probably in his twenties. Mom's 97. You know she's had this serious problem for decades. Doctor said she should have had a hip replacement years ago. And I can't believe you're still pushing her to get into your EV. You know, she wants you to have it. It's just that she isn't able to climb in it. Well, uh Mark says Well, I don't always trust Mark's ideas.

SPEAKER_09 15:58

Oh, I don't trust him either, Brooke. He's an entertainer. Just believe half of what he says.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Brooke came home very distressed. Diane never spoke negatively to her about Bert. To hear her mum feel rejected by Bert was awful. For her dad to be so dismissive of her mum's pain was worse, but we didn't know how to handle it. So we just didn't. That might have been another mistake. Sadly, Diane died in early December 2018. It was a terrible time, really. All a blur. Brooke and her dad saw their family lawyer together, and Brook took on the legal tasks laid out for them. In late January, we held a celebration of Diane's life. It was lovely. So many people came. I stood for the family. Diane had been the glue in the Cooper family, practical, determined, hardworking and smart. The one who made the appointments and phone calls, ran the home, organized the family's life, and always contributed to the family's bottom line. Diane got things done. She meant a lot to me, much like my own mother, and taught me about gardening, cooking, and about the importance of being involved in one's community. Everyone was in tears. Soon as I had the chance, I caught up with Brooke. You okay? Hun. Hey, what that creep say?

SPEAKER_06 17:52

I can't believe it. What? He actually told me in a whiny voice. Your mum.

SPEAKER_07 18:01

Your mum. She never really liked me, did she? She really didn't like me.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

He admitted that.

SPEAKER_06 18:10

Here? Now? Yes, right now. We're standing in the middle of fifty people who loved mum. And this man says that. I wasn't even sure I'd heard correctly. God, that man's a creep.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

Um do we tell your dad?

SPEAKER_06 18:28

No. He's got enough on his plate.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Other accounts of Mark's interfering behavior emerged only gradually over the next few years. In fact, it really was when Brooke started to share her concerns about Mark with close friends and neighbors, that they opened up with their own troubling experiences. Later, one family friend told us Diane called Mark a predator. Another characterized Donna as a weasel. We eventually learned that undue influence is an under-reported issue, something people just aren't comfortable broaching. Vicky, a longtime and trusted friend of the Coopers, who cooked and cleaned for Diane and Bert for more than a decade, witnessed many troubling interactions with Mark. Some while Diane was still alive. Vicki tried to share her concerns with the Cooper's favorite neighbors, Anne and Phil, but Phil didn't want to hear, considering it gossip. That shut Vicky down until after Diane's death. Anne and Phil had many disturbing encounters with Mark and Donna, but fortunately Anne held her ground and began to keep us in the loop. The first incident was a real doozy. In May 2019, about six months after Diane's death, Anne called.

SPEAKER_04 20:06

Began staring at me, and I finally said something about your mum's celebration. How wonderful it was. He actually grinned and admitted that Diane never liked him. Too late. He also said that you two were never a popular hill. It's rubbish, he said. The girls are always there. He said, Well, I'm always here, and I never see them. We never go when he's there. He's just awful. I know I told him friendship can be so suffocating. He didn't.

SPEAKER_06 20:41

Good line, Anne.

SPEAKER_04 20:42

It seems so I don't know. It emboldened him. Well then Brooke, he actually accused you of elder abuse. Me? It's crazy. I know. I was thinking the person standing in front of me is the one committing elder abuse. Right. Mark also said that he knew Diane thought he was a charlatan. What did you say? I told him Diane was an astute woman, and I walked away. Felt like I needed a shower.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

For about three months after her mum died, Brooke and her dad were together daily. I didn't go very often, wanting to give them time to heal together. After a few weeks, Brooke talked to me about their interactions. It's going okay with dad, Nance. That's good. Tough times for you both. Tell me, how's your dad handling his grief? Seventy plus years with your mum must be really suffering. Poor guy.

SPEAKER_06 21:51

Yeah, I know, but well, that's a bit of a problem. How so? Well, he doesn't like it when I get upset. That. Talking about missing mom shuts me right down. I find that very hard. I want to talk about her with him.

SPEAKER_02 22:09

I get that. But your dad's never really shown much emotion. Greeting's such a complex and personal journey, hun. It'll be all right.

SPEAKER_06 22:20

Yeah, maybe. But you know, sometimes dad is dad, and sometimes he's almost a stranger. Often when I'm with him, Nancy, it actually feels like mom never existed. He just won't talk about her. Do you think this is grief or or something to do with Mark?

SPEAKER_02 22:42

With Mark? That's a compelling and disturbing thought. Now, not only did Bert talk endlessly about Mark, Brooke noticed he seemed very conflicted about his supposed best friend. One moment he liked Mark, the next he didn't. Bert would just babble ping-ponging about, saying things like But Mark's not industrious, mind you.

SPEAKER_09 23:12

He doesn't care at all about money. Doesn't want for anything. So I'm not leaving him anything. Except the car. He lives under the radar, you know. Said he had a big fight with the tax man for years and won. He probably fiddled on the income tax. I don't know. He won. It's very strange though. He doesn't notice anything going on outside. Not the birds, not the deer, not even an owl in the tree. Nothing. He really doesn't care. Strange, eh? You know, Brooke, Mark's mean with his money, but he's he's not greedy.

SPEAKER_06 23:56

Do you feel under a bit of pressure, Dad?

SPEAKER_09 23:59

Oh yeah. Mark's an insurance man, you know, very pushy. Sometimes he he makes me do things well, you know, I don't want to do. But he's soft and gentle with me. And that Donna, you know, that Donna, she's a strange, strange woman. Never know how she'll react. Like what? Oh, never mind it. It doesn't matter. She's just very good to me.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

At the time we were puzzled why Bert would constantly forgive Mark and Donna their trespasses and always swing back to sing their praises. Now we know Bert was being love bombed daily and twice on Sundays. In March, Bert called, had something to tell Brooke, so she went straight over. In less than an hour she was back. Crying, devastated, and in shock. Incoherent.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

Our dramatization continues in the next episode. But now we explore today's theme: how loneliness opens the door to predators. Eric Partridge has spent decades working with older adults and holds a doctorate in ministry with research focused on chronic loneliness.

SPEAKER_00 25:24

The story you're telling is actually a story that happens way too often. And someone will prey on a person who's feeling chronically lonely, and so they're aching for some kind of interaction. I think uh one of the things that that the three I just talked about, the the uh gratitude practices, touching and and uh storytelling, that helps to reduce reduce their chronic loneliness, which may give uh uh room for you to come in and spend some time with them and talk about other things that they can do in life and so forth. The times when I've come across someone who appeared to be just being a little too uh connected and all of a sudden finding out that they want to change their will uh to put this person in it or or they're happy to to loan them some money just for the just for the interim. They'll pay pay me back anytime. Of course, they don't. When they have the things they need to help reduce their chronic loneliness, they'll the my experience is they'll have less interest in in doing whatever this other person who's inserting themselves in their life, whatever they want, because they won't need to. It's not a oh, I gotta fill I have this huge feeling in my chest that I need to fill my life with something, and here's this person who's being that. You're providing by the other things, you're providing the things that they are aching for, and therefore there's a less less need to be involved with that person. Obviously, there are all kinds of legal things that one can do, and and I highly recommend using all the tools that's necessary, but part of it is reducing the the aching need to have someone fill that hole, which is how how a person preys on them. But it it it it is a bit of a hands-off pro approach in this in in the respect of saying, I'm not going in the same, don't you shouldn't be hanging out with Harry. He's a problem. As soon as you do that and you put up a a uh a we they, you're good, I'm bad, that kind of a m mess. You don't want to do that. You don't want to get into the the place where there are you're questioning their the the adult parents' choices. People tend to re-resp not positively to that, just like I know when someone says to me you should do such and such, my usual reaction is to not do it, even if it maybe maybe is good for me. So it's not about that, but if if what that person, that nefarious person is doing is stepping into a need, you're reducing the need by going and offering other things. So rather than saying, don't mess around with that guy, he's a bad person, offering them ways to reduce their chronic loneliness, fills that hole that they're aching to fill. You don't allow someone in your life unless there's a reason to have them in their life. And if there's no reason, or less and less and less reason, they're gonna be less, uh they're they'll have less of a hook on you. I don't think you you don't want to go to the person and tell them, don't have that person in your life. That just sets up a conflict. But if you go in and take away the thing, the reason that person has an entry into their life, into your parents' life, you've taken away the the the hook that they have that that solves the problem in a in a much less uh aggressive and in-your-face kind of response.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Today's episode featured the voices of Susan Anderson as Nancy, Andy Dawson Reed as Bert, Susan Wilkie as Brooke, Christine Knowles as Diane, Fi Glossip as Ann, Jason Stevens as Mark, and Suniti Arens as Dr. Cooper. This is a production of Radio Sydney, with support from the Government of Canada's New Horizons program for seniors. The series was produced by Bill Collins, written by Nancy Miles and Brooke Cooper. Dramatization was directed by Matt Watson with Sound Engineering by Bill Collins. I'm Barry Bowman. Please join us again.

SPEAKER_08 29:47

Coming to you from the Mary Windspare Center in downtown Sydney by the sea in beautiful British Columbia. Thanks for listening.