I'd Be Honoured To Change Your Dad's Nappies

With Diane gone Bert is grieving and lonely. Mark and his partner Donna step into the void lavishing attention on the elderly widower while making increasingly bold offers to move in take over his care and be the family he needs. Brooke is heartbroken by her father's refusal to talk about her mother and begins to worry that something more calculated than simply friendship with Mark and Donna is unfolding. Featured expert: Estate lawyer Charlotte Salomon explains why an enduring power of attorney is the single most consequential document a senior signs and how it can be quietly revoked at a second lawyer's office without anyone being notified.

Beware Mysterious Mark is a Radio Sidney production. This project is funded in part by the Government of Canada's New Horizons for Seniors Program.

Show notes, episode transcripts and resources: mark.radiosidney.ca

Contact: info@radiosidney.ca

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Beware Mysterious Mark. This 10-part series is a harrowing, true account of elder financial abuse. Our goal is to expose how these schemes work, reveal the warning signs, and help you stop it before it happens to someone you love. So listen closely. Awareness is your first line of defense. In episode one, we met the Coopers, Bert, Diane, adult daughter Brooke, and daughter-in-law Nancy. A pretty happy family until Diane died. And Bert's friend, Mark Marshall, began creating distrust. And now here's our storyteller, Nancy Miles, with episode two titled I'd be honored to change your dad's nappies.

SPEAKER_01 0:47

In March of 2019, Brooke returned from a devastating visit with her dad. It took a few minutes before she was able to speak sensibly. Though she hadn't recorded this conversation, it was instantly seared into her brain. Dad just dove right in, saying Well, this is a little embarrassing.

SPEAKER_07 1:18

Well, I like some of them, but the the one uh what's it? Who works in the government? Don't really care for her. Fellow she's with he's a bit odd. And doesn't another of the girls have some I don't know, problems? Can't get along with the others. I I don't like that. And well the mum well, nice enough, I suppose, but I didn't care for her. Okay, okay, let's put it this way. I don't want any of them to inherit my money. I don't want that.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Wait a second here, Brooke. What the hell? What the hell? Your dad suddenly doesn't like my family. He didn't like my mom. My mom for crying out loud. I've helped out your parents for years. We fed and entertained that old fart for years. And twice a week while mom lived here, she was so good to him.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

I know, I know. Couldn't believe what Dad was saying. Your mom was so fun, fascinating, and interested in everything. She politely listened to Dad's same stories over and over, yet he never asked her anything about her own life.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

It was a heck of a lot more interesting than his, that's for sure. And a whole lot more productive.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Oh, Dad just droned on. When he finally stopped, I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. Not angry, but hurt. He didn't seem to have a clue how upset I was.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Well, I'm friggin' well gonna tell him how upset I am. I'm going over right now.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

No no please, Nancy, don't go, it won't help. Please. It'll make things worse.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

But I can't just let him please no. Reluctantly, I agreed. Brooke decided a couple of days later to go see her dad. She wanted to know how her dad really felt about me, since he hadn't mentioned me once. I didn't believe this a good idea. I didn't want Bert to hurt her again. Brooke and her dad were both calm when she arrived, but it didn't take Bert long to complain about me.

SPEAKER_07 3:37

Well, Nancy never really worked, did she?

SPEAKER_02 3:40

What? Sure she did. She was in the federal government for eighteen years. You know, in the twenty two years since you've been here, she's helped to do everything around the house. Things I couldn't do planting stuff, pruning, driving you to the dump, cleaning the roof, windows, selling your truck canopy, watering, finding a car mum could get into, and on and on. She always cheerful. She's always ready to help. My goddad.

SPEAKER_06 4:17

She was just like your second daughter. Oh, well, let me put it this way. After the government, what does she do? She worked as a consultant.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

She wrote ten novels, had a successful career in the library. If you don't mind me saying so, you were sure happy to always take her help and her cooking.

SPEAKER_07 4:38

Ah, but she never really worked, did she? A proper job is nine to five.

SPEAKER_01 4:46

Crazy stuff, resulting in the worst argument Brooke and her dad ever had. She actually shouted at him first time ever, because he seemed so far removed from reality. We spent the next month puzzling over Bert's lack of memory and mystifying behavior towards Brooke. The next day, Brooke apologized to her dad both in writing and in voicemail. She never received an acknowledgement. I realized I was now a problem and no longer part of the Cooper family. It really stung, but more importantly, it worried me. Had Bert disliked me all these decades? I couldn't believe it. I can prove Bert actually cared for me. Except for Diane and Brooke, I was the only other beneficiary in his will of 2014. I had always helped Bert, doing chores, really, of any typical son-in-law, except, of course, I wasn't one. And that's where Mark Marshall found a crack between Bert and me and began to exploit it. We decided Bert required professional attention. And Brooke finally called the family doctor a month later. Fortunately, all three Coopers and I had the same GP, Doctor Coupard, and she is terrific. Brooke had been taking her parents to their doctor's appointments for years. So when she saw Dr. Coupard a few days later, she filled her in.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

It was like Dad was reading the weather report. He was knocking down all of Nancy's family in this matter-of-fact tone. When he stopped, he was unaware, I was upset. In fact, he asked me to read his mail as if everything was hunky dory. I just left. Then I asked him about Nancy. It ended in a disastrous argument. Is that typical of your life now with your dad? Well, no. We've had arguments, but never that intense. And never about Nancy and her family. Normally I just walk away, but this time I shouted at him. I'm worried about Dad. All he remembers about this two day event was that I marched in and shouted at him. No memory of all the complaints he had about Nancy's family. Tell me more about his memory issues. Oh right. Um well I had put his name on a deed to the family home after Mum died.

SPEAKER_09 7:33

Oh, your dad's name wasn't already there?

SPEAKER_02 7:37

No. It's something we joked about. You see, years ago, Mum thought since she was older she would die first, and Dad might remarry someone with children. Then I'd lose the family home. As a consequence, my parents together decided to put Mums and my names on the deed when they bought this house in nineteen ninety six. Makes sense. So a month ago, Dad was surprised when I told him we had to go and add his name to the house insurance policy. He had absolutely no idea. He's forgotten he was now half owner of the house, even though I just gave it to him four months ago.

SPEAKER_09 8:13

Could his forgetting but just be grief or stress or well his memory's poor, but tell me, have there been other specific things you've noticed?

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Well, he's all over the place, saying stuff I've never heard before. Like what? Just a few days ago he said he was afraid Nancy would inherit my POA and would put him in a home. That's just nuts. He's known Nancy for over forty years. And a couple of months ago, Dad said he thought it was wrong of our lawyer to call us in so soon after Mom's death. I explained why we needed to know the first steps to begin to wind up Mum's affairs. But then he asked, Oh well, why did you take all the financial papers away? I didn't know what he was talking about. Dad used to trust me implicitly. He would never have asked that before. It feels like Mark's involved. Who's Mark? Well he's the other reason I'm here. Mark's a newish friend of Dad's, known each other for about five years. He's with Dad every day since Dad met him. I really don't care for him. And Mom didn't like him either. He's intrusive. Dad talks about him endlessly. They do have a lot in common, but Dad's definitely obsessed with him. It's bizarre. Just a couple of days ago, Dad wanted me to sell my share of our family home to him. So Mark and Donna could live with him and look after him. But Mark insists on a ten year rent free guarantee. What? Well that's over the top. What did you say? I told him that's a big deal. Just six months after Mum died, and they're already planning to make huge changes to the house. I'm just not ready to sell my remaining half of Poplar Hill.

SPEAKER_09 10:04

Hmm. There's a lot going on here, Brooke. Your dad shouldn't be making major changes like that just after your mom died. I've noticed a few things myself, and I'm developing some concerns about him.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

Is it possible he's had a TIA?

SPEAKER_09 10:21

A small stroke? Anything's possible at his age. In light of what you've told me, I'm going to schedule a geriatric assessment.

SPEAKER_02 10:29

What does that involve?

SPEAKER_09 10:31

A CT scan of his ninety-five-year-old brain, a visit to each of you by a social worker, and an occupational therapist will give your dad some tests and we'll arrange for him to see a geriatric psychiatrist.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Nothing could have prepared us for Mark's visit a few days later. He dropped by the day before, saying he could help Brooke and her dad get along following the argument. So we agreed to meet in our garden. He began by telling us what a temper Bert had, like a volcano, and how he handles him by getting him to count to ten. But then Mark switches to the real reason he's here.

SPEAKER_08 11:19

Now, Poplar Hill was valued at 946,000 last year. It's dropping now, only 871. If you sell to your dad right now, you could buy it back later for less.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

Mark, my dad isn't some real estate deal.

SPEAKER_08 11:37

Well well, he won't go into retirement home, and we all get along so well. I love him like my father. I'd be so honored to change his nappies, you know? Nobody could give him better care. Donna, she trickles and cuddles him and he giggles.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Okay. Uh, can you give us some details of your plan to move in?

SPEAKER_08 12:02

Oh, well, share. Take care of everything for Albert. We'll live in the front half, take one bedroom, and living room, and dining room, and your dad will have his own bed and bath. Just the privacy of his family room. We'll share the kitchen. Donna will make all the meals.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

What about the 10-year rent-free guarantee?

SPEAKER_08 12:25

What about it?

SPEAKER_02 12:26

Dad said you needed this guarantee in order to move in with him.

SPEAKER_08 12:31

Well, I have a sweet deal where I am. And I'm a meticulous tenant. Couldn't leave without an incentive. Think the guarantee's reasonable.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Give me a break, man. Oh, by the way, you have a ten-year rent-free guarantee where you are?

SPEAKER_08 12:51

I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Oh, really, Mark? Can't handle a few questions from a couple of women. That was ninety minutes we both wished we could get back. Mark spent most of the time boasting about his many accomplishments, including being a BC prosecutor for ten years. We later checked out his legal credentials. Nada. This brazen prosecutor lie became a major issue between Bert, Mark, and Brooke. But none of that really mattered to Brooke. She was shocked that Mark knew the exact assessment value of their family home. What kind of friend ferrets that out? And surprised to learn that Mark's been lying to her dad for years about the precariousness of his rental situation. Mark had just told us about the sweet deal he had now and needing a ten year rent-free guarantee before giving it up. Brooke and I had seen the con man in close action and were very disturbed. A month or two before Diane died, Bert met and became close to a fellow named Chris. He's about Brooke's age. Chris owned a small local business. Over time, Bert began to drop in and chat. Chris enjoyed Bert's company so much. He'd take him to breakfast now and again. Brooke and I started to wonder about Chris. Then one day, when Bert was rattling on, he mentioned something interesting.

SPEAKER_07 14:38

I'll never say Mark's the be all and end all of friends. He thinks of me as his father. But I like and respect Chris better as a friend.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

This prompted Brooke to meet this Chris guy. We were a little wary since we didn't know how Chris felt about Mark. Maybe they were best buds. Luckily, at their first meeting, when Brooke asked if he knew Mark, Chris was clearly not a fan. Thank God. Turns out Brooke and Chris had a lot of concerns in common. They quickly became friends, and Brooke visited him regularly. Some weeks later, Chris said, Gotta tell you something odd.

SPEAKER_03 15:25

I don't want to make too much of it, but this guy Mark finds a way to drop in five minutes after your dad arrives. Every time. Weird, huh? Not a coincidence. So I'm wondering, is this guy following your dad?

SPEAKER_02 15:42

Oh, that's kind of creepy.

SPEAKER_03 15:44

Not only that, but the guy seems to be involved in a lot of your dad's personal stuff. Just the other day, your dad dropped in, asked my opinion about making a handwritten will. I was stunned. When I asked what he was talking about, he said it was Mark's suggestion.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

What? A handwritten will? That's just ridiculous. We've got a great family lawyer. Plus, Dad's hands shake so badly he hasn't been able to write for twenty years.

SPEAKER_03 16:15

I know, I've seen that. But don't worry. I told Bert it was a crazy idea and not to do it.

SPEAKER_02 16:23

Oh, thanks, Chris. That Mark, he's everywhere.

SPEAKER_03 16:27

Yeah. Uh Brooke, there's there's something else you need to know.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 16:35

The way Mark and your dad always talked about you, I uh I expected you to have horns. Horns?

SPEAKER_02 16:43

Wow. Mind if I ask what they said?

SPEAKER_03 16:48

Well, Mark would always start the conversation, but your dad would chime in. They complained mostly that you were difficult to deal with. But I know you're nothing like that.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

The conversation with Chris floored Brooke and me, once I heard it, to know that Mark was bad mouthing Brooke in front of others, and that her dad was a willing participant hurt. After seventy-one years of marriage, ninety-five-year-old Bert has lost his life partner, and Brooke, their only child, was sixty-eight, and has known and enjoyed all her dad's friends over the last fifty plus years. And now Bert says We start a whole new thing.

SPEAKER_07 17:36

A little bit separate. I don't feel the need to be fatherly to you or talk about the past. It's so much emotional. I've been through enough. I think it's best. You have your friends. I have mine.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

I offer the following tidbits so you understand how much the Coopers functioned as a faithful family unit. Pretty well everything was organized from that one perspective. Trust was absolute, without the need of legal documents or even handshakes. Finances and assets shared. So Bert keeping secrets from Brooke, just like he had with her mum in her last years, indicates the depth of his betrayal. Brooke's family life was so different from mine. I come from a large brood. Chaos and noise ruled the day. We were close, but really a multitude of lives were going on simultaneously. So it wasn't unusual to be out of the loop on many family discussions. In contrast, Brooke only had her parents. It must have been quiet and lonely. But then what about that parental attention? Brooke lived at home up to her twenty sixth year while completing a master's degree and spent tons of time with her parents. I recall being amazed at how they discussed stuff as a tight group. All opinions respected. Her dad was a stockbroker, and her mom ran a small home-based import business. But the family hobby was real estate. The Coopers loved looking at houses. Brooke and her dad had fallen into a nice routine of going to a local restaurant for breckey. Suddenly her dad's busy. We don't think anything of it at first, but it keeps happening. At one point her dad let slip. He'd been going to the same restaurant with Mark. Never once invited Brooke. And then there were no more Cooper breakfasts. Another successful Mark maneuver to put distance between father and daughter. Well, this may seem harmless, but we learned that isolating the target like this from family and friends is a classic strategy in undue influence, as is the keeping of secrets. In mid-May of 2019, Bert told Brooke he was going to see their family lawyer, John Spencer. Mark was going to take him. A timely phone call from John prompted Brooke to reveal she knew her dad was coming to see him. Thank goodness. If Bert hadn't told her about this meeting, John wouldn't have been able to discuss it with us, bound by client confidentiality. So, a few days after her dad's appointment, Brooke and I went to see John.

SPEAKER_05 20:56

Well, I asked Mark to wait in our outer office while I spoke privately with Bert. First I asked him, since Brooke knew about his appointment, would he be okay with me sharing what we talked about with you? Your dad said yes, that's fine.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

That's good.

SPEAKER_05 21:11

I also mentioned that since I've been your family lawyer for years, he might be worried about a conflict of interest. Your dad just waved that fear off as well, so I can fill you in about what we discussed. Well, that's a relief. For the record, our profession is required to meet with seniors such as your dad on their own. Especially if someone other than their POA brings them to their appointment. This was obviously the case with Mark. We are also required to ask open questions related to the seniors' level of cognition, their memory, and whether or not the person who brought them is coercing them to make changes, for instance, to their POA. Since Brooks been Albert's POA since 1999, and because I've spent some time I'm with both you and your dad as executors for your mum's will. I was naturally concerned that your dad was thinking of making this change.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

Who's going to be his new POA?

SPEAKER_04 22:11

Well, he was planning to choose Mark's wife, Donna. Donna, but she doesn't know anything about finances.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Barely knows Bert.

SPEAKER_04 22:20

Don't worry. We never got to changing it.

SPEAKER_05 22:23

We also discussed this so-called buyout plan, I think proposed by Mark, whereby you sell your half of the family home to Albert. I checked my paperwork, Brooke. Wasn't it only four months ago you put your dad's name on the same property? Yes, it was. Well, there were very few details to this plan, and I felt it was unwise to let this couple move in with him. And I told your dad just that. He was pretty vague anyway about how this plan should work.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 22:53

Ah, now, when we went back to the outer office, your dad told Mark, Oh, you can't be my POA because you're my caregiver. Mark immediately challenged me on this, saying he and his wife would be companions and that's okay. I told him it wasn't okay. Caregiver, companion, same thing. Mark then claimed I was in a conflict of interest. He had a certain arrogance about him. We got into a discussion of tenants in common and the difference between that and joint tenancy. Frankly, I don't think your dad understood that part of the conversation at all. Not surprised. So after much thought, I've written a letter to your dad, in essence saying I don't think this buyout plan should be pursued, since it's not in his best interest. Also, I told him I felt Mark was unduly influencing him. It's the first time I've ever done that in my 32 years of practicing law.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Oh wow. That's unnerving. Isn't that something we should tell Dr. Koupar?

SPEAKER_05 23:55

I would appreciate that you don't share my letter with anyone else. Well, there's a little bit more I wanted to share with you. Bert left me a voicemail message to set up this appointment. Sounded like he was reading off a script. He said he wanted to discuss three things changing his POA, your mum's will, and about this idea he had about buying Brooke out of the family home. Then he said goodbye, but failed to hang up the phone. Then I heard Bert say, Was that all right? And a male voice replied, Yes, you covered it all. I now recognize that voice as being Mark.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Oh no. Unfortunately, John's refusal to allow us to share his letters stating Bert was unduly influenced by Mark was another example of confidentiality biting us in the US.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

Our dramatization continues in the next episode. But now we explore today's theme: the importance of estate planning and enduring powers of attorney. Charlotte Salomon is a lawyer and board member of the Estate Planning Council of Victoria.

SPEAKER_10 25:06

Well, estate planning is important for many reasons. First of all, so there won't be any surprises. So everyone knows, and the person who's doing the estate plan knows what is going to happen after they pass away, and also what's going to happen if they lose capacity. Because there will be a point in time where most of us will lose either physical or mental capacity, and we won't be able to make our own decisions. Something from banking and dealing with financial institutions and paying our bills to decisions as to where we're going to live as far as an old-age home or care facility and what medical interventions are going to be made to prolong our lives. The advice I would give to my clients is that you need to have everyone on the same page. So if someone is coming to my office to prepare estate planning documents, one of the important documents is a power of attorney. And the power of attorney is the document that dictates what is to be done for your financial needs if you cannot take care of your financial needs yourself. And in a power of attorney document, we usually have them as enduring, which means that they are valid the moment that they are signed, as opposed to a springing power of attorney, which is only valid upon a certain event occurring, like a medical event. We usually do enduring power of attorneys to make sure that we have everything covered. What if a client is going on a trip somewhere and let's say it's four months and they're going to be away and someone has to pay their bills? Or what if they subsequently become incapacitated? So that's why someone would do a power of attorney and name people as their attorneys. And then the big question is, what happens to this document? I just told you that it's enduring, so it's valid the moment that it's signed. What happens to it? Do I just give it to the person that's, you know, did the power of attorney or give it to the attorneys? No. What I usually do with it is I put it in my safe at the law firm. We have a safe, a fire safe that stores all these important documents. And uh then I get the person who signs a power of attorney to basically sign a letter as to when this is to be released. So there's certain conditions that are on that letter. First of all, if they tell me to release it, saying, Charlotte, I'm going to Japan for four months, I won't be around, please release my power of attorney. Or in the case of a doctor telling me to release it, and this has happened before, where I get a call saying, Yes, you know your client, Mr. So-and-so. Well, you may not know this, and that client may appear normal to you, but that client suffers from frontal lobe dysfunction, and therefore that client is giving all their money away to overseas callers. So the power of attorney needs to be invoked to remove that client from their capacity to make their financial decisions because they don't have capacity to do so. So that's another scenario. And then the third is if I know it should be released. Like, for example, I usually have a good enough relationship with my clients. I keep in touch with them. I know when they're getting frail, I know when they're in the hospital, and it seems to me that this is the time that it should be released. So, and then I have absolute discretion. The clients do give me that to release a power of attorney if something happens that they get hit by a bus or or whatever. Um so it is kept in my safe until those conditions are met. And that's a bit controversial too, because obviously without a power of attorney, the um person named as attorney cannot go to the bank and do the banking. So once a power of attorney is signed, just because it's signed doesn't mean that person has the authority. That person who's named as attorney has to receive the power of attorney signed, take it to the bank, and the bank will file it and know that this is the attorney that they are supposed to be dealing with instead of the person that made the power of attorney.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

Today's episode features the voices of Susan Anderson as Nancy, Susan Wilkie as Brooke, Andy Dawson Reed as Bert, Suniti Arends as Dr. Cooper, Jason Stevens as Mark, Matt Watson as Chris, and Phil Bailey as John. This is a production of Radio Sydney, with support from the Government of Canada's New Horizons program for seniors. The series was produced by Bill Collins, written by Nancy Miles and Brooke Cooper. Dramatization was directed by Matt Watson with sound engineering by Bill Collins. I'm Barry Bowman. Please join us again.