Love Letters with Jason & Ros

Embracing the Gift of Singlehood!

• Jason and Ros Hamilton • Season 1 • Episode 10

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Are you currently living single? Get ready as we uncover the truth about God's gift of singlehood and how to embrace it in your love relationships.

In Episode 10: Embracing the Gift of Singlehood, we sit down with Pastor Jacqui Hill-Goudeau, author, administrator, exceptional Bible teacher, and longtime friend. Jacqui breaks down common myths about being single, answers those burning questions, and shares how to live a successfully single, healthy, and whole life God's way. 

We discuss the challenges of living single in the 21st century, share interesting statistics, and unpack the truth about the two singlehood statuses — whether you are single while waiting (you desire a spouse) or single while walking (you do not have a desire for a spouse).


Chapters: 

  • 0:00       Welcome to Love Letters with Jason & Ros
  • 2:11       Meet Special Guest— Jacqui Hill-Goudeau       
  • 3:06       Choosing to be Single & Stigma
  • 5:26       “Jacqui’s Single Seasons Story”
  • 9:55       Loving Yourself & Being Genuine
  • 13:35     God Is Your Ultimate COVERING 
  • 21:17     “The Single Wife”
  • 26:09     Singlehood Challenges
  • 30:45     Waiting Well in Your Single Season
  • 44:26     Bible Truths- 1 Corinthians 7
  • 48:00     How to Embrace Singlehood
  • 50:21     “A Shopper’s Guide to Dating”
  • 55:01     Live Out Your Love Letter Challenge
  • 56:48     Closing Prayer


Episode Resources:


Scripture References:

  • 1 Corinthians 7, verse 7 (Apostle Paul) “But I wish everyone were single, as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.” (NIV)
  • 1 Corinthians 7, verse 32b  “…He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord, how he may please Him…” (NKJV)
  • o   1 Corinthians 7, verse 34b  “…In the same way, the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit…” (NKJV)


Live Out Your Love Letter Challenge:

  • Read 1 Corinthians 7 and discover your gift. Has God called you to walk in singleness and wholeness? Or has He given you a desire for a spouse? Both are gifts from God. Learn what yours is and embrace it as you walk with Him in faith during your single season.

Everything in one place: JasonAndRos.com

Live out your Love Letter. 💌

Intro

SPEAKER_02

It's too hard to figure out people when we're trying to fool people. Oh please say that again. Please say that one again. It's hard to figure out people when we're trying to fool people. And that's on both sides, men and women. We're trying to put up the best foot that we don't even have. We're trying to make people like us because we're so scared they won't.

SPEAKER_05

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

You know, and so we go overboard and we do it from an unhealthy place, and then what you end up with is an unhealthy start.

SPEAKER_07

Okay, here it is. It says this. Here's the disclaimer.

SPEAKER_00

There was a disclaimer. Yes.

SPEAKER_07

This is not a list to give to the men that you're interested in.

SPEAKER_04

That's right. That's right.

SPEAKER_07

Oh, to show them what they are lacking or need to do to win your heart. This is a list to show the single wives what God is doing for us as we trust Him. Now, the reason why I said it's good for men to read this. When I started looking and reading this list, what I wrote down here was, this is my call to my wife.

SPEAKER_05

I was gonna kind of switch gears a little bit. I was thinking about like millennials, people in their late 30s, 40s that still have not gotten married. Could you speak to the people who are in waiting? Men and women, because there's a there's a lot of men too that they want to be married. But there's this struggle, it seems, to find that, you know, the right one, the right person that's compatible with them, and that's you know not too out there, right? Too much, you know. So if you could speak to that particular population about how do we wait?

SPEAKER_01

How do we wait well? Yeah, how do we wait, wait? How do we wait well, yeah. Well, we wait.

SPEAKER_07

I'm excited because she is gonna be speaking on a unique topic, and that topic today is E for Embracing Singlehood. We want

Meet Special Guest— Jacqui Hill-Goudeau

SPEAKER_07

to welcome everyone to another episode of Love Letters with Jason and Riz. All right, our our special guest today is Jackie Hill Goodell. Jackie's an amazing storyteller with over 40 years of experience across ministry, media, and mentoring. She's authored 20 books ranging from heartfelt and hope-filled topics to transparent conversations about her own personal journey. Jackie brings insight, humor, and soul to every space. On social media, she's known as Wisdom Woman. We've known you for quite some time.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, many years.

SPEAKER_07

Many years before the internet, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yes, you were the one who introduced the internet to us.

SPEAKER_07

Oh man.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, I was skeptical, but here we are. But it worked out, didn't it?

SPEAKER_07

It worked out, it did. Well, like Ron

Choosing to be Single & Stigma

SPEAKER_07

said, we're talking about embracing singlehood on today. And with regards to singlehood, I'd like for us to just establish some foundational truths.

SPEAKER_05

Sounds good. So let me ask you this, Jackie. Is there still a stigma behind being single? And why, if there is?

SPEAKER_02

I don't think there's a stigma the way we saw the stigma. The stigma was people, real old people, will come up to you and say, You still get married? Or when are you gonna get married? They did all kinds of Christmas shows about people trying to fake they have a date just because the family all of that stuff. And we got accustomed to that. But I think that if there's a stigma, it's a personal stigma. It's not really cultural anymore because of some of the very things that you said. A lot of people are choosing to be single. Some people realize you know what, this is crazy out here. There's too much out here, and I don't really want to do it. I want children, but I don't even really want to be in a relationship. I just want kids. So many things that people are choosing for financial reasons, for personal peace, for employment, or you know, their purpose. They don't want to have to have someone they have to check in with. You know, so a lot of people they have a lot of reasons why they're choosing not to be single, but each of us have our own little, you know, radar that we will judge ourselves. Absolutely. We will tell ourselves, you know, you you know how old you are now. You know, you're getting you, you know, that tick tock, tick tock. We will tell ourselves all of those things, but the sigma from society is not really there anymore.

SPEAKER_05

Even if we look at statistics, these days people are choosing more to be single for various reasons. About 45% of women and about 30% of men between the ages of about 25 and 40 still choose to be single. And they're choosing that over dating and marriage because they're pursuing other personal goals like careers and financial independence and different things like that. Sometimes it's an emotional protection that they feel like I just I don't I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship right now. I'm not ready for a relationship, and that is simply okay as long as we're flowing in whatever gift we are, what whatever gift we have. All

“Jacqui’s Single Seasons Story”

SPEAKER_05

right.

SPEAKER_07

So, you know, Jackie, you you've got a story. So how would you best describe your journey of singlehood to married life and now back to singlehood?

SPEAKER_02

Okay, singlehood was under the stigma.

SPEAKER_06

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

I'm 63, so I came from the stigma realm, okay? I was, you know, so it was under the stigma, but my personal stigma was worse than society's was because I felt there was something wrong with me. You know, I always had this feeling there's something wrong with me, and people just don't gravitate towards me until it's a long story, I can't tell that story. I'll tell a little bit of it. Share what you want to share. Okay. I was at church one day, and there was this young man at the church who asked me for my number to call me. And so I was all excited because the stigma was like, you know, getting we're gonna stop using that word in a minute. But anyway, so he got my number, and later that day he called me. And when he called me, he started having this whole conversation. He was one of those guys that a lot of people were interested in at the church. A lot of the young women were interested in, and he was spiritual and he shouted really cute, all that stuff. And so he called me and we had a conversation. He asked me about my poetry, different stuff like this. And then when he got done, he says, You know there's nothing wrong with you, right? And I just stopped because I was like, What is he talking about? He says, You know there's nothing wrong with you. The reason why you're not married is because the right person hasn't come along. And I was completely embarrassed. And I had a whole conversation with God, like, why would you tell this man my business?

SPEAKER_06

I didn't tell anybody that.

SPEAKER_02

That word right there kept me even to now. And it takes the pressure off of feeling like something was wrong with me. It just wasn't right. And so for me, being single was difficult the first time around. I was in my 30s when I first got married. I was married for 30 years, and divorce was not expected, but it happened. You know, and I find myself now single again. Now, this journey is a little more difficult than the first journey. Because the first journey I could get with it, there's nothing wrong with me thing. Now I'm like, there's something wrong with all of y'all. It's a whole different journey. I tried the dating apps, I'm just being honest. I tried a couple dating, I was like, I just can't do this. Yeah, it's too hard to figure out people when we're trying to fool people. Please say that again. Please say that one again. It's hard to figure out people when we're trying to fool people, and that's on both sides, men and women. We're trying to put up the best foot that we don't even have. We're trying to make people like us because we're so scared they won't.

SPEAKER_06

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

You know, and so we go overboard and we do it from an unhealthy place, and then what you end up with is an unhealthy start.

SPEAKER_06

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02

And so for me, yeah, the singleness on this end is very different, but I found a place now to where I'm okay. I actually said, Lord, being single is not a problem, it's a blessing. Yeah, it's an opportunity. Throw that wisdom. Throw that wisdom out of here. I mean, it is. If we really handle this the way that it was intended, male and female, if we handle it right, then it doesn't feel like a heavy burden we're carrying that we have to explain to people. This is our lives. Yeah, you know, the blessings of the Lord make it rich and add no sorrow. That happens here too. Yeah, you know, so I'm much more happier now. I still would desire one day to be married, but it no longer drives me.

SPEAKER_07

You know, here's the beauty about that there's this peace and resolve that you have now that you didn't have before. Exactly. And I think the beauty in that is because of the level of love that I I sent you have for yourself right now, that's a whole nother level of attraction. Yes. I think that's a part of you that's going to draw someone different. That you would not have to. You understand what I'm saying? It's gonna draw some someone different because they're going to be really attracted to what's going on on the inside, in addition to the God-given beauty that you have on the outside.

SPEAKER_02

And

Loving Yourself & Being Genuine

SPEAKER_02

that's why sometimes people say that the people that come to you are the people you're drawing. And so we didn't understand that because we're thinking, but I do this and I tried this and I tried that. But how you think about yourself, that's why scripture says to love your neighbor as yourself. If you love yourself, you'll probably draw people who love you. Exactly. You know, you'll draw people who love you, and then you don't have to then figure out all the things you need to change because you drew them off of something that wasn't accurate, yeah, and now they're seeing you in a whole nother light, and that's not what they asked for. You know, it's like being genuine, being true to who you are, I believe draws the people that are supposed to be in your space. It's like a magnet. There's some parts of the magnet that go the opposite direction, and rightfully so. We don't want to be that kind of magnetic, you know, where we're constantly pulling people to come to us that really don't even fit.

SPEAKER_07

I like that. So let me ask this question: what is or who has kept you anchored on this journey that you're on? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, it you already know. It's just I'm real funny when we start talking about Christians because I said I'm one of them old school Christians. You know, I don't know what's going on today. But I'm one of those Christians that I really believe that a relationship with God changes everything. Yes. I was telling God the other day, I said, if I can't thank you for anything else that ever happens in my life, salvation changed everything. Yes. From the day I was born again, my DNA changed, my taste buds changed, my ability to come back when I messed up changed, all of that. And they're not perfect, none of us are. Not perfect at all. But I know who I belong to. It has been such a journey for me that I get to where now when I'm talking to God, I almost feel a little bit, and I tell him this all the time, Lord, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I feel a little bit disrespectful because I remind him of what he said. You know what I'm saying? He said, Command you me. I said, You should have never put that in the Bible. I'm gonna tell you. I remember what you said. You said you hastened your word to perform it. So I'm like, well, Lord, this is our relationship. So if I am a single woman and I am a single wife, as I call myself, then I know that you, my maker, are my husband. And if I would expect my husband in the house to help me to handle the things I'm struggling with, help me to carry the load I'm carrying, help me with everything, how much more am I gonna talk to you about this, Lord? I mean, I love this journey like I never had before. And I wouldn't have thought that because a lot of people, when they get divorced, there's another stigma. Yeah. You know, there's a whole thing that goes on there again. But for me, I've I've I've grown into this. Don't get me wrong, because when I first got divorced, it was it was difficult because I was like, I don't know how to do this by myself anymore. You know, I watched a movie once and the lady started crying in the movie saying, you know, if he leaves me, I'm gonna be buried alone.

SPEAKER_03

You know, you know, I'm gonna have nobody be buried next to me. I think I know that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And I sat there like, oh my God, I don't think you know, so but so that was an early journey. But this journey here, I'm telling you, he is so faithful to his word. He hastens it to perform it, and this part is good.

SPEAKER_05

So it's just about being, just be yourself.

SPEAKER_07

Yes,

God Is Your Ultimate Covering

SPEAKER_07

and I think the whole idea of him being your husband is is truly transformational because I mean, I've never heard of that before until I read your book. Till I read your book, but listening to you talk about it from a very practical perspective to me is very transformational. And I I really hope that those that are watching this episode that you're getting these gold nuggets that she's dropping because that changes the way you think, that changes the way you live, that changes your expectations, that changes your appetites, it changes a lot of things in your relationship when you begin to see him as your husband. Now, okay, how does that apply to me as an unmarried man?

SPEAKER_02

Yes. I am so glad you're I bet you are. Because I was about to say something to what you said before about the husband-wife thing. The thing is, he says your maker is your husband. But one thing about that is this you could take husband and switch that name to covering. And so when you realize, and I tell people it's like an umbrella. Even when we used to do marriage counseling and stuff, we would talk about the umbrella. God is the ultimate umbrella that covers all of us.

SPEAKER_05

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Under him, he is placed man. We can't fight about that and argue about that. That's a role that God gave to men. They're the next level of covering. Under them is the women. And there we are. We're another level of covering, and under us is our children.

SPEAKER_04

Yep, that's right.

SPEAKER_02

As long as we stay under the umbrellas that have been given to us, there's blessings that flow there. That's how the Bible says to honor your father and your mother, that they be well with you and you'll live long on the earth. All those things we can talk about. But then, as a covering, as God is a covering, every wife knows that a lot of times when you get upset because something doesn't happen or you think that somehow or another he's not listening, you go over his head. Let's just be honest. Well, the men have that option too, to go beyond themselves and to get insight and direction and input from God. And when you have a wife who's alongside you and you can both go, oh, he has to move. I mean, he's the because we're two or three. Come on, you guys. We know the scripture gathered together. He's gonna be in the midst. You know, but what happens is we start pitting God against each other. We say, Well, I talk to God, and he said, Well, I talk to God. Well, how about we come together and talk to God? That's right. How about we plan and talk to God? How about we read his word and talk to God so we're in line with what he wants. So as a man, you're automatically covered because he put you in place right under him. It's almost like the Joseph, you know, like you got my ringing. You know, what Peryl tells me says, You got you the ring, you get the ring. Whatever you say goes. You know, and we sometimes as women don't like that. Yeah. Because we know that we're smart, we know that we're intelligent, we know we have input. That's right. We'll bring it to the table and let's work this thing. Come, let us reason together, the Bible says. So, yes, so that it doesn't exclude the men, but for the women, I really wanted to write something that made us realize two things. One, that God is an ultimate covering, but that husband is too. And if we handled God as a husband while we're single, and we learn how to talk to him, we know how to reason with him, we learn how to respect him, we knew learn how to go to him, then when you get married, it should not be that hard because you've already practiced it.

SPEAKER_04

It shouldn't.

SPEAKER_02

You've already done it. And so some many times what we're practicing is all the wrong things to get into a relationship.

SPEAKER_07

That's good.

SPEAKER_02

You know, we practice all the wrong things, you know, and sometimes we literally just practicing, you know, literally just practicing and it's not working.

SPEAKER_07

I I love this conversation and I love where it's going. So I'm sorry, I just I'm all excited. It helps me as a man while I'm going through my dating process and going through that process of even finding myself away because I have walked up under a covering. And because of the fact that it's caused me to have humility, it's caused me to have trust.

SPEAKER_05

Exactly.

SPEAKER_07

It's it's caused me to have to submit. What that does, oh my goodness, it should cause me to have another level of compassion towards my wife when I finally get married.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, and one reason why is because you're basically a husband in training. And you're sitting up under the ultimate. If we start seeing things that way, then when we mess up and we see the compassion he gives to us, then we give the compassion down that umbrella. We talk to our children differently. We realize they're not going to be perfect, they're not always gonna do everything right. But the Bible says not to provoke them to wrath. Well, what does he expect us to do? To love them and train them up in the way they should go. That's what he's actually doing with all of us. As a single woman today, I don't have somebody covering me this way, but in him, I see all of the things that I require of a husband. I see it. And I actually told him, I said it this way. I said, my ex-husband was a pretty good husband. He's not here no more, but he was a pretty good man. I'll never take that away from him. He worked hard to take care of his family. He went up on roofs, he did all kinds of stuff to take care of his family. I mean, late nights working and doing all kinds of stuff, trying to take care of his family. And I literally said this. This was the thing like, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, Lord, but I know you're gonna do better than him. I know you're gonna do better than him. Because who there's no searching of understanding how much eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, it's not even entered my ears. The great things that you have in store. You know, and so I trust him that way. Has every day been good? No. Some days have been very difficult. Has every bill been paid on time? No, but I remind him it wasn't. You know, and and then He's gonna take care of it some kind of way. And he he does it in ways that not typical. Sometimes he uses people, sometimes he uses unexpected things. The other day I got a check in the mail. I mean, it was so funny because I finally remembered that I needed to do my, what is that, exemption from a household?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I forgot that it existed. I didn't even know it had expired or whatever, but I turned it in and went on about my business. And right when I needed it, it showed up. I said, Lord, you you bragging now. I said, You're showing off now, Lord. I said, but thank you. But thank you. Well, okay, we can talk about that. I told, I said, Lord, I said, I'm leaving that to you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I'm leaving that to you because you know me now. You know what I can do, what I won't do, what I should do, and what is gonna be difficult for me to do. And you know who needs me and who I need. And so if that person is there, then I'm open to your will. And I leave it alone. In the meantime, I just love where I'm at right now. I just love where I'm at.

SPEAKER_05

That is so inspiring to a lot of people, I'm gonna tell you. I know.

SPEAKER_07

I wish we had that when we were.

SPEAKER_05

Oh my goodness. But then we wouldn't have this now. That's true.

SPEAKER_07

That's true.

SPEAKER_05

I'm just saying, just coming back full circle.

SPEAKER_07

Right.

SPEAKER_05

I love it.

“The Single Wife”

SPEAKER_07

Well, I'm gonna say something.

SPEAKER_05

I've got that, you know he did it on PS. I mean a lot of parkings.

SPEAKER_07

I didn't, I didn't put the these full notes, are not here for the episode. They are here because I really read the book. And I was like, okay, I know she made this book for women, but after reading it, I I'm just going to encourage, I'm gonna encourage men to get the book as well. It's called The Single Wife Living Faithfully While Waiting Joyfully. Now there's this section in here in the book, and it's funny. What you say. I mean, I'm gonna find it here real quick. Okay, here it is. It says this. Here's the disclaimer.

SPEAKER_00

There was a disclaimer. Yes.

SPEAKER_07

This is not a list to give to the men that you're interested in.

SPEAKER_04

That's right. That's right.

SPEAKER_07

Oh, to show them what they are lacking or need to do to win your heart. This is a list to show the single wives what God is doing for us as we trust Him. Now, the reason why I said it's good for men to read this. When I started looking and reading this list, what I wrote down here was, this is my call to my wife. Because as I was going through this list, you know, I was, I got a couple. You know, it's one thing to get the pulp, but it's the other thing, you know, to get the twist. So I began to look at some of these things and I recognize, okay, here's an opportunity for me to step up and be an even better husband. So even when we're having our times of prayer, usually what we'll do is we'll pray scriptures over one another. But it's like, you know what, babe, here's something else you can add. Here's something else that you can add to pray over me. But and even so, I got to this portion over here. Eight things God requires of a wife. Now I'm not gonna be like, okay, babe, you miss it. Number three, submissive, submissive. No, I'm not going to do that. What I'm going to do is pray the scriptures over my wife. Yes. And so this was actually really encouraging.

SPEAKER_02

I love it.

SPEAKER_07

You want to talk a little bit about it?

SPEAKER_02

Well, the thing is, even with that list, one thing that I wanted to do was to not leave our men in a place to where I'm empowering women to ridicule our men. Because I have a stance that I have upheld over the years to where I don't dog our men. I don't do that because I realize that in Moses' time when they were killing babies, they were killing the baby boys, not the little girls. So the men already have an enemy.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So I'm real big on which side I'm going to be on. And so I don't dog our men. I don't say bad things about them. I don't believe they're all the same. I don't allow that. So I really wanted the women who are waiting and wanting a husband to have a different mindset about it. But this is, yeah, these are the things that you should expect from God. Yes, this we could kind of say you can expect this from your husband, but that's kind of what marriage does. It teaches us to do those things that are missing. We keep forgetting that God has teaching and learning in every journey of our life. Absolutely. And marriage is not just all the fun. You know, when people say the honeymoon's over, that just meant class transition. That's what meant class sensation. It's time to start class tests. We're going to learn the way we treat the people closest to us is how we're going to treat the world. How we respect the people closest to us is how we're going to respect the world. And so this is like school. So with the book, yes, I really wanted to be sure we didn't dog our men, but I also wanted women to see that some of us are actually expecting less than. And we're living and we're doing in a less than way, and that's why we're getting less than. But if we would do our part, see what God requires of us, learn how to do these things, then when we meet someone, we meet someone who's worthy of us doing that. You know, we we see someone that we'll be glad to do these things for, who we're proud to do these things for, like the Proverbs 31 woman. I mean, he's being praised at the gates, you know, because of what she's doing. And I believe that that relationship is not old, it's not old-fashioned. It's still current because God is a very current God. He doesn't live in yesterday or tomorrow. He's a now faith. That's right. That's right. Time doesn't restrict him. That's right. So anything he's told us is for us today. No matter how this world works, our relationships can work much better.

SPEAKER_07

They absolutely can. So

Singlehood Challenges

SPEAKER_07

what do you consider are some of the bigger challenges that come with living out these days? Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, all the stuff we don't know. You know, there's a lot of stuff that happens in this world that I still don't, I haven't mastered, and I don't know that much about it. Uh, those things, it's always good to have somebody on hand that you can talk about with stuff because if you start talking to everybody, you're gonna hear it somewhere. Okay. It's good to have a close confidant. And so God becomes that, but he knows that every so often I want to talk to a human, you know, and I'll tell them. So I have a couple of friends that kind of help, but it's not the closeness that you would get in a relationship. And then there's the feeling of being isolated, sometimes of being alone when you don't necessarily want to be, you know, and and you do miss the companionship, the intimacy, and things like that is not there. Even in that, you realize that you know that God has us, you know, and I can give to him. That's part of my sacrifice to him, is sacrificing all the things I wish I had and recognizing what he's given me. And then that keeps me in a good place right here to where I'm not just sitting here all day like this. So it's it because he's so good, you know, and I always tell people you can be a Christian who goes to church, who knows different things, or you can have a relationship with God. Yes. And there's a big difference. Yes. And when you have a relationship with him, it is exactly that, a relationship. And he will be there with you through the hardest times.

SPEAKER_05

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02

And the dark times and the lonely times. So that's a few of the things that, and if you're raising children, it's very difficult. You know, I I fostered kids, and it would have been really, really good to have somebody on the side of me who's a little bit taller, a little bit stronger looking. It would have been good because them kids was running over me. They were like, You just a woman, we don't care. You know, I mean, and sometimes those things it's difficult to do but on your own and by yourself. When you're when you're doing anything outside God's original design, it's hard.

SPEAKER_07

Okay, so I know you got something to say, but can I say something? Go ahead. Okay, so so the Bible talks about two being better than one. Okay. So you were just talking about the example with the foster kids, and even some of the other things that you were experiencing on this new journey. Were there different people that God brought into your life to help with some of these different areas?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yes. I have a brother-in-law when it came to the foster kids, they called him Uncle. He would come in there, and just knowing he was coming by to check on them, the whole house went quiet. And he he just got muscles, that's it. He wasn't gonna do something about that male present though. But he also taught them to play pool and taught them to play checkers and stuff like that. So he had he connected with them, but at the same time, they respected him. And so, me being by myself in the house, when they they start acting up, I just get my phone and said, Are you calling up? It's like I might be. You know, I mean, so yeah, so I had people like that for those instances. I have a lot of people that call me from different places. Some of them came from that dating site. All the way in Louisiana will check on me every so often, all the way somewhere else will check on me just to check and see how I'm doing. We already came to the conclusion that the relationship is not gonna happen, but I still got good friends because some of them were good people. It's just again, not quite right. I would not purposely get into someone's life and disrupt it, which I thought I might. Because when you're a pastor, I might disrupt some stuff. You know, I might be a little bit disruptive, uh, not to get rid of anybody. Just to qualify. But you know, yeah, but I just realized that some things weren't gonna work, but they were still very good people that I can still talk to. And so I have different pockets of people that I call for different things, but it's still uh distance because they have lives of their own. Right. They may have children or a spouse or you know, whatever's going on, and it's not really the same to call and talk to her while you know her husband's waiting on her or her kids need to be fed, and so you kind of realize you're kind of by yourself.

Waiting Well in Your Single Season

SPEAKER_05

I was gonna kind of switch gears a little bit. I was thinking about like millennials, people in their late 30s, 40s that still have not gotten married. Could you speak to the people who are in waiting? Men and women, because there's a there's a lot of men too that they want to be married, but there's this struggle, it seems, to find that you know, the right one, the right person that's compatible with them, and that's you know, not too out there too much, you know. So if you could speak to that particular population about how do we wait, how do we wait well?

SPEAKER_01

How do we wait well? Well, we wait.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, so how do we wait well? Okay, so one thing I'm I'm gonna answer a whole lot of things at the same time. Okay. One thing I did that I still recommend people do is I make a list. I make a list of things that I genuinely want, things that I need in a mate or in somebody. I write down things and I break up that category, spirit, soul, and body. You know, you gotta put the body into this. We gotta be honest. But I I break it down and I put in each category things that I know are necessary for me. But I also put down what I'm willing to give in those areas because this is never just about me. That's right, and what I get from you that you bring to the table, it's also what I'm willing to give. That's right. So I do things like that, but then there's also a thing that I saw many years ago, and it was how to have oneness in a relationship, and it breaks down dating, engagement, and marriage, and then spirit, soul, and body. So in the dating phase is the spirit. The first thing you should be looking at is whether or not you have oneness spiritually. Because if you don't, you end up flip-flopping things. Yes. And when you flip-flop it, you gotta backtrack. When you're trying to be spiritual, you can't be spiritual because you done made the body first, you know, and the body is speaking too loud for you to backtrack that far, it's hard to do. So if you know that in my dating phase, I want to make sure that we're one spiritually. What do you believe about God? Do you believe in God? What religion are you? You know, all of those questions that may come up. Yeah. Come to a place where you understand that this is someone I could live with, this is somebody I could work with. Because remember that umbrella, you still have to pay attention to that umbrella because somebody is above his head. That's right. Or you see what I'm saying? So if she's not in one, or even going down to get her to understand what you're saying, if that communication is off, it's off.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

The second area to this dating, engagement, engagement is that soul area. That's your mind, your will, your emotion. It's like, how do I feel? What do you want to do? How many kids do you want? Where do you want to live? Have you ever wanted to travel? You know, all the things that make up your mind, your will, your emotions, all the fun stuff that we like to put in front. You know, all of that. Well, we like to put it at least in the middle. Sometimes it's not always forefront. But, you know, look at those things and find out is there oneness here? Can we live together? You know, you love to be cold all the time and you want to go live in Alaska. I'm headed for California. That's you know, you are a vegan and I am a crazy meat eater. I knew one lady who was trying to hook with somebody, and the smell of meat made her sick. And when she got married, we kept trying to talk to her and said, you know, this may not be a good idea because this is really a physical thing that messes you up. Oh, we'll pray about it. This is not the time to say we'll pray about it. We can't get married off of prayer. No. We want intentional, purposeful steps that get us where we want to be so God doesn't have to dig through stuff just to use us. Okay? And so you got you got your spirit, you got your soul, and then the body. That comes with dating, engagement, marriage. Now, granted, we know what times we live in, and most people, this is going over their heads. They're like, that's not really anything we really trying to do right now. Because if you go to a store, we've heard this before, if you go to a store, you try on the shoes before you take them out. You know, we hear all of this stuff. But I'm just gonna say it this way: leave you to your relationship with God, but do you trust God? It's a thing of you're not doing these steps by yourself, you're doing it under the umbrella of a husband and father. Yeah, right. You're doing it under the umbrella. As you seek or as you look for somebody who's there, you have a covering. And so if we want to be successful in the long run, pay attention to your first steps because those things will help you to weed out things that you know is is not palatable for you. Things that you know, and the body is the least of all. That's right. We think it's a lot. Yes, you want to be attracted to somebody and things like this. We understand all of that. But if you only depend on that, you will be unhappy in a few years. And that body is the one thing that is definitely gonna change.

SPEAKER_05

We have an episode about that body.

SPEAKER_02

That body is going to change. My height is almost the same, but I felt like I got a little shorter lately. It felt like I kind of went a little shorter. Maybe it's because my child got taller than me. But the body is gonna change, and it's the one thing that goes away easier.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

That love, that concern, that respect, all of those things, the relationship with God, those are the things that last. So make sure you don't just run and grab. You know, pay attention to what you know you need, what you want, and pray about it. That this may change over time because for mine it did, but be true to yourself and be true to your relationship with God.

SPEAKER_07

I love that. You know, I never really thought about it until this conversation. We know that bodies change. And we know that you said the spirit, the soul, and the body. So we know body changes. Why do you think, and this is open to every this is just open to discussion, why do you think there's just so much attention to the body when we all know it's going to change?

SPEAKER_02

Because that's the fun part. I mean, let's just be honest, that's the fun part. But the we get to dress it up and make it look cute, we get to slim it down and we get to see the abs and we get to see all this stuff, and then there's pleasure that's connected with these bodies. These bodies take in food in our taste buds, taste the food. The things that we drink, our bodies take it in and they taste it. Our body is all about that. Yeah, but it's the least part of us, it's appetites. Yeah, and I tell people appetites are more than food. You have sexual appetites, you have physical appetites, you have clothing appetites. Your body will crave, it's like a little bitty toddler that wants what it wants. It doesn't feel fun to sit there and rationalize and have a good conversation with somebody. That's not what we're looking at. We're sitting there looking like this, you know. You know, I mean, it's a fun thing. And that's why it takes discipline to honor God. Because you have to, the Bible says to what to tell your body, no, basically die daily. You know, it's kind of hard to do. When this body is, it's just like everything. Oh my God, look what's over there. Oh my goodness, look what's over there. It's just like a toddler in a candy store. Everything is subject, if I could just get it. If I could just get it.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But as we mature, we understand that there's some things that even when we ran like that, there was always something missing. It may have been fun, but there was always something missing. And that's because we didn't engage in the things that were more valuable.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, I would say it's definitely the culture we live in. You know, you think back maybe 50, 60 years, it wasn't, you know, we didn't live in this iPhone, you know, Facebook, you know, I, me, me, me, me, I, I, I, I. Right. It was about us, you know. And I think the culture that we live in today, it's all about surface level I look at me. Right. The first thing people look at is the body. What do you have on? What is your hair like? What is your face like? You know, what's your body size? Right, right, right. What size shoe do you wear? You know, it's all about looking at the outward appearance. That's what man looks at. But God sees the heart. And I think somehow in our world today, we have just forgotten about the heart. We just only want to look at what's on the outside and oh, he's for me or she's for me because they look a certain way. Right, right. I feel like we could work because they gotta they have a great body. Or, you know, they live in a great, you know, they get they make you look better. I'm her eye candy.

SPEAKER_07

I'm her eye candy, I'm her trophy fist when we go to the groceries.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I saw one of your episodes where you said, well, if when I met you, you were in the elevator and your breath was this and that. I mean, it's it's it's a normal thing because we do look on the outward appearance. Yes, yeah. We do.

SPEAKER_07

And I I firmly believe any relationship is going to start at the point of attraction. Right. There's there's going to be something that physically draws you to one another. And that's okay. That's natural. That is okay. However, it's continued conversation that's going to determine our spirits. Right, right. And that comes from being intentional in the conversation and what I'm actually looking for in a relationship.

SPEAKER_05

And if the spirit is in line, then we can go deeper. We can then get to the soul.

SPEAKER_02

Because I know I have met people before that kind of how the Bible says how Saul was tall and he was really nice looking, and everybody loved him and thought he should be king and all this stuff. Yeah, I looked at some people that I thought could be king, you know, until we started talking. And then I realized I couldn't do this conversation. I've had conversations with people who were in prison, better conversations than I had with this person. And so I know that one of my love languages that nobody talks about but I do is conversations. I love good conversations. If I can't talk with somebody, it messes me up. So when I look, the physical will attract me. It's almost like they say that, you know, your, how do they say it, that your gift will get you to the door, but your your character will keep you there or open it one or the other. There's gotta be more. And if most of us are honest, we really want more. But if we are desperate, if we are not paying attention, if we don't have our own faculties and we're like have something else that's kind of controlling us, stuff like that, we don't make good decisions. That's right because we kind of know what doesn't work for us.

SPEAKER_05

And I think people don't want to do the work either.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_05

There's a lot of people that just don't want to do the work. Relationships take work, it takes time to get to know someone. You know, you might have a good idea of somebody in a day, but you have to walk this thing through. It's it's not something that's just gonna happen you know within a couple of weeks. Oh, he's for me, we're we're gonna get married. No, you need to take the time to really get to know the person. Like I love the whole idea of the list. That to me is good. As a matter of fact, his aunt had made a list, she had made a list, she actually wrote a book about it, her list of different characteristics and things that she needed in her spouse. And you know, it was brilliant, yeah, simple but brilliant. And Uncle TJ showed up on the side. Sure did, sure did.

SPEAKER_02

And the Bible says, what? Write the vision, make it plain. Make it plain. That they may read it and run with numbers. Exactly. Either they're gonna run away or they're gonna run with it.

SPEAKER_00

Run away from it.

SPEAKER_06

I can't live up to the height.

SPEAKER_05

That's good. I do want to say this. There was this podcast that I watched a few a few months ago, and there was this young lady on there, and she was talking about getting married and why so many women don't get married that want to be married. The daughter was saying that she kept telling her mom, I like this person, I like that person, I like the person, but they don't, you know, they I don't know about them or whatever. And one of the things she said her mother said to her, which I thought was just brilliant, she told her, she said, Look, have you paid attention to who likes you or who likes you just the way you are, that you don't have To change your hair or your makeup, or you don't have to pretend like you're something that you're not, you don't have to put on the facade. Who likes you already? Those are the ones that you need to focus in on and get to know. Because obviously you're compatible with them. So I just thought that was brilliant for them to take a moment to think about who already likes you. So anyway,

Bible Truths- 1 Corinthians 7

SPEAKER_05

let's talk about some Bible truths.

SPEAKER_07

Some Bible truths. First Corinthians 7 and 7. This is the Apostle Paul. I really like this because this goes back to the foundational truths that we talked about. So it says this, but I wish everyone were single as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God of one kind or another. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord, how he may please him in the same way. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be both holy in body and in spirit. So here's the deal: there is purpose in being unmarried, and there's purpose in being married. Both are a gift. Yes. And that's the thing that we need to take joy in and have peace in, whether I just feel called to be unmarried or if there is a desire for me to be married, it's okay. Yeah, that's your exactly. I have a give to be able to operate and flow in either one of those because that's just who I am.

SPEAKER_05

I love that. And I think you have that in your book. You have that in your book. Yep. Okay. A single book.

SPEAKER_06

It's in your book.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_06

Really?

SPEAKER_02

But I mean it is true. And it's it's the thing of embracing where you are. Exactly. You know, instead of always waiting for where you're going, embrace where you are. Know that there's provision, there's grace, there's favor. All of that is right where we are, whether we're married or whether we're single. If you're married, it feels a little different because there's other people involved and different things like that, and that's okay too. But when you're alone, there's still other people involved. You know, but there's grace for us in every stage of life. God will never leave us nor forsake us. So we always have a backup in our stages.

SPEAKER_05

And it goes back, you know, this passage goes back to the umbrella analogy. You know, whether we're unmarried, well, when we are unmarried, we care about the things of the Lord, how we may please him. He is our covering. Right. But then when we're married, we have a covering. A man is our covering. So at that point, we care about the things of the world, how we may please our husband. But in pleasing our husband, we're pleasing ultimately God, and He is serving us, He's ultimately pleasing, His covering as well. So it just works that way. And I I love God's design. It's like it's perfect. You know, all we have to do is apply it.

SPEAKER_02

It's the following. And the same with the children. You know, here we are with our children to teach them about the fear and admonition of the Lord and keep them in that umbrella. And then when things happen and somebody goes out from under there, if for instance, if the wife, we'll use the wife because we always talk about the men doing it, so let's let it be the wife instead of the man. We try to keep, you know, respect our man. But if a wife was to move out from under that umbrella, that man should stay in place under God and keep the children in place. And so anytime somebody walks up, you still pray that they come back and that they can get in line and all of this, but you don't go run after them and where the children have no covering. They have no covering. You know, we have to be able to know that there's a covering either way. That's great. Whether somebody is there or it's just me by myself, there's still a covering.

How to Embrace Singlehood

SPEAKER_05

What would you say are some top signs that will indicate that we're embracing our singlehood? The first thing I would say is peace.

SPEAKER_02

It would be peace and unexpected peace. And times when you're in situations that normally kind of rally you up a little bit, but you're there, you're smiling, you're enjoying yourself, you're doing whatever, you go home with a smile on your face. I do that so much, it's really crazy. I mean, I do. And I'll wake up, I sleep good. God will give, he said he will keep us in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on God. Exactly. What we're basically saying is at the end of the day, now think about your our our maker as our husband. Going to bed at night, you're there by yourself physically, but you're not there by yourself. Have a conversation, do pillow talk. You know, have a conversation, Lord. How did I do today? You know, thank you. You did good today, Lord. You took care of this, you took care of that. I literally do that because I said, if I can take advantage of that right now as a single woman, I'm gonna take full advantage of the fact that he should have never told me that Baker is your husband. And so I tell everybody talk to him like you would do pillow talk at night. When you get up in the morning, that embrace, embrace his presence. Talk to him like you do in the morning. Father, I know you kept me all night long. Thank you. Thank you. You know, thank you. Thank you. You know, so what is what's going on today? I know I have this, this, and this. It's on my schedule, but father, let me know. I'm open to you. If I gotta adjust, I will adjust for you. Isn't that something? That is something to think about having in a relationship like that with a human being to where it was just that much respect, that much acknowledgement, that much I care about, what you think about, what my day looks like. And then I care about your day. Yeah, I care about what you want out of my day. So that to me is an indication when you really start having those conversations with God, He'll keep you in perfect peace. So the biggest thing I can say is the peace.

SPEAKER_05

That peace that surpasses all understanding.

SPEAKER_02

Nobody's gonna understand why you're at peace and you still sing. You don't even understand what you don't even understand.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah. All

“A Shopper’s Guide to Dating”

SPEAKER_05

right. You want to tell us so you got another book over there too.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yes, I have two books. That one's a single wife. This one is a shopper's guide to dating. I love the title. I have issues, y'all. I do, I'm I do already. I don't like shopping. That's probably why I'm not dating right now. I don't like shopping. I like mom and shopping a little bit better, which might be where I went to mom dating. Okay, confess confessions, folks. I don't like shopping. I worked in retail, don't like shopping. So I noticed shopping patterns that I have that I will get four of the same type of pants in different colors, way back when I done did it in the market. Kind of. But, anyways, I would do that because I knew the fit, I knew the comfort, I knew the style, I knew it was long enough, I knew certain things about it, so I just do that. So I had a person that I observed once how they kind of shot, and they were kind of eccentric and would go far away and get stuff and bring it in town, and you know, but they didn't want to pay a lot. They could afford it, but they didn't want to pay a lot, which sometimes means we don't want to sacrifice a whole lot for a relationship. We want it kind of ready-made. We want it done at a place where it's not too costly for us. So, in this book, what it talks about is shopping styles. And I had when I did the book, I interviewed some men as well to get their shopping style so that I could know what it was we were talking about. Because men, they they basically know what they want. They go in there, they hit what they want, and they go. And so men are like that with dating sometimes. And I hate to say it the way it just sounded. But, anyways, they know what they want. Okay, but the same was with me. I don't go in stores and look at everything. If I'm looking for a purple shirt, I'm passing everything to find my purple shirt. So it's gonna take me a little bit longer, it's gonna take me a while. And I understand that about myself. Some people, and I mentioned it earlier, there's little disclaimers about things you should not do while you're shopping. And everybody tells you, you never go grocery shopping when you're hungry. That's right. Why? You can spend too much. That's right. You're gonna waste money, you're gonna get more than what you want, and you're gonna get stuff that you really just got because you're hungry. You don't even need it right now. That's right. The same thing happens with us when we're dating hungry. When you just are like, man, I just don't feel like being by myself tonight. I just need to go somewhere. I'm gonna go, and you'll end up somewhere you're not supposed to be, yeah, doing things you're not supposed to be doing and things you regret.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And you've paid a huge price to do it. You know, so this book was basically just, it was a fun book that I wrote just to make us pay attention to ourselves, to examine ourselves, know what things we have habitually done, and make sure that we don't end up getting the same pair of pants in just another color. And you know those pants don't fit you no more. But because you are used to it, you do the same things. Last thing about the shopper's guide to dating. Some people go in, they never want to spend a lot of money, so they go straight to the clearance section. Clearance section. They go straight to clearance section, which means I'm not trying to pay a whole lot of money to get into this relationship. And some people have those relationships now where neither one of y'all are putting too much into it at all because you both came to the cheap. You decided to go cheap, and that's what you got. But some people also only get designer. Problem with designer is some of the designer things you got are knockoffs. Yeah, the book talks about that too.

SPEAKER_05

I love that.

SPEAKER_02

There's knockoffs, they look like what you thought you wanted, but you never looked at the tag. Which means that dating thing, you went straight to how it looked, and you missed all the other steps to find out what the substance was or what the quality was, or you allowed yourself to get in places to where people shortchange you and they decide they're gonna get you. You don't fit, but they're gonna curve off and cut off what they don't like about you. Which means you lose a piece of yourself in a relationship that you never should have been in.

unknown

Woo!

SPEAKER_02

Wisdom speaks.

SPEAKER_07

Okay. I I've gotta know where can we get your books?

SPEAKER_02

How can I get your books? Amazon. Yes. I I mean, I publish there a lot. Um, I've learned to do the process and help people on occasion when they're publishing a book. And so it's easy for me because people can go there at their leisure and they can get it from there. Nice, nice, nice. Or on wisdomspeakstoday.com. And then that way I can autograph it for you.

SPEAKER_07

Oh very nice. So that's Wisdom Speaks today. Today. Okay. We'll make sure everyone has that.

SPEAKER_05

Yes, you'll see everything in the description. Yeah, in the description box. Yes.

SPEAKER_07

Awesome.

Live Out Your Love Letter Challenge

SPEAKER_07

So, Ross, every week we challenge folks to live out their love letters. So, what's the challenge, sister?

SPEAKER_05

Okay, so our our challenge this week is to read First Corinthians 7, verses 7, and then 32 through 34. The most important thing for us to do is to know first and foremost what is our gift. Is it to be married or is it to be unmarried? Either way, it's a gift. And I believe that for all of us, we have the desire. The desire is is innate. Some of us can understand that when we're kids because I know that's what kind of happened with us. We knew somehow, or we just had that desire to be married someday. But even if you're not married yet, you know that that's your gift. Read the passage, understand what it means to be unmarried in waiting or be unmarried in walking. The walking part is just the person that I know that I'm supposed to be single. This is my gift, I'm flourishing and I'm moving in it, and I'm participating in different love relationships. And then also for parents, a lot of times parents will kind of put pressure on kids. You know, why aren't you married yet? You know, and I know that is hard, but parents to understand that each of your kids has a gift. Even if they're young adults or adults and they still have not married yet, help them understand what their gift is and respect whatever gift God has given them. And then for all of us, we just need to make that list, you know, make that list and figure out how I can accept my gift.

SPEAKER_07

Well, Jackie, we are so grateful that you joined us today. It has been such a delight and such a blessing just to catch up again as friends, but just the wisdom that you shared with us about being single, about dating, about marriage, all of those things has not only been a blessing to us, but I know it has been a blessing to the love letters right.

SPEAKER_06

Very good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_07

So thank you for coming on board. And uh again, thank you guys for watching. Make sure you like, share, and subscribe. We want to continue to produce good content that's specific to you and that encourages you in your love relationship. So again, thank you for joining us for Love Letters with Jason and Ross. Awesome. We'll see you next time. And we like to close in prayer. Oh, that's right. So before we sign off, we're gonna close in prayer. Jackie, would you mind praying for our audience on today? Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_02

Father, we thank you for everybody who is watching this and those who will watch it. We thank you for the relationships that they're in, the relationships that they desire, but first of all, the relationship that they have with you. So, Father, we thank you, Lord God, that you're cultivating those things in them, that you're causing them to rise up and be able to see the things that you have gifted them in so that they can walk in those things. Father, for those who feel lonely, for those who feel alone, Lord God, we thank you, Lord God, that loneliness is not the absence of affection, but the absence of direction. Thank you for giving direction in every area of their lives, and we thank you for the blessings and the testimonies that come from them following you. And we thank you for it in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_07

Amen. All right, we'll see you next time on Love Letters with Jason and Raz. All righty, bye bye.