Love Letters with Jason & Ros

The ‘D’ Word - Dating with Purpose & Discernment

• Jason and Ros Hamilton • Season 1 • Episode 2

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 46:06

Send us Fan Mail

Are you curious about getting to know someone God’s way, or what it means to “study” your spouse? Join the conversation as we discuss, “D”— Dating with Purpose & Discernment!

This episode is chock-full of creative content, based on our 31 years of marriage and 6 years of dating/courting, curated to help you WIN when it comes to dating, courting, and taking that next big step in getting to know someone beyond the initial physical attraction!

Chapters:

  • 0:00     Welcome to Love Letters with Jason & Ros
  • 1:37     Our Story: “6 Years of Dating— How We Got It All WRONG!”
  • 9:20     What’s the Difference Between DATING & COURTING? 
  • 11:36   Know and Understand Your “INTENT”
  • 13:22   The “A.C.T.s” of Dating and Courting
  • 17:20   Facing the Challenges of Dating w/Discernment
  • 27:12   Be Sober: Recognize “RED FLAGS!”
  • 30:43   Overcoming & Winning The Dating Game
  • 32:26   Biblical Truth: Philippians 2: 3-5
  • 35:11   Dating Power Takeaways & Love Letter Challenge
  • 43:52   Closing Prayer

Additional Content & Notes:

  1. ACT of Dating— Getting to know someone initially to see if they’re worth pursuing more.
    1. Alignment
    2. Connectivity
    3. Togetherness
  2. ACT of Courting— For the purpose of exclusivity, engagement, and eventual marriage.
    1. Amiability
    2. Character Compatibility
    3. Transparency

Top 7 “Red Flags” of Dating Every Adult, Teen, and Parent Should Know!

  1. Only Seeks Personal Gain: Sex, Money, Affiliation/Association, Intellect
  2. Displays Abusive Behaviors- Starts verbally, moves to rough physical handling
  3. Manipulative, Possessive, Highly Critical
  4. Extremely Self-centered and Inconsiderate of Others
  5. Lacks Integrity, Reliability, and Stability
  6. Exhibits Irresponsible and Reckless Behaviors— Use of illicit drugs, etc.
  7. Their Personal Values Greatly Differ

If you ever feel unsafe or are experiencing any type of unwanted behavior, please contact one of the following resources.

  • National Sexual Assault Hotline:  https://rainn.org/ 
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline:  https://www.thehotline.org/

Biblical Truth:

  • Philippians 2: 3-5 - “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:”

Live Out Your Love Letter Challenge:

  • Establish your CORE VALUES when it comes to dating and entering into a love relationship God’s way. 
  • Know your intent, set internal boundaries, and be sober-minded about your decisions.

Everything in one place: https://linktr.ee/loveletterswithjasonandros

Live out your Love Letter. 💌

Everything in one place: https://linktr.ee/loveletterswithjasonandros

Live out your Love Letter. 💌

Intro

SPEAKER_00

You know, we would be together and then we would break up for a while. We would be together, we would break up for a while.

SPEAKER_02

Whenever you did that, my reaction was, I'm leaving them alone. So I left you alone.

SPEAKER_00

I made some horrible, horrible decisions during the dating process.

SPEAKER_02

All of my relationships, I was looking for exclusivity. All right. So this week, what are what are we talking about? D for dating.

SPEAKER_00

All right. And you know, this is the place and space for singles, those that are dating. You may be engaged, thinking about a relationship, those of you who are married and parents. And the reason why I say parents is simply because you have an opportunity to influence the next generation. So some of the things that you learn here, you will definitely be able to pass on to the next generation. All right. So this week, what are what are we talking about? D for dating. I love some dates, girl. Date night with you is good.

SPEAKER_02

So you know, episode one, we talked about attraction. So what's the next natural step after attracting? You get you see somebody you like, you're like, hmm, let me see if I can get them digits and ask them on a date.

SPEAKER_00

On a date, so that we can spend some time together, see if this is worth continuing to pursue.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

Or not. That's right.

Our Story: “6 Years of Dating— How We Got It All Wrong!”

SPEAKER_00

All right. You want to tell them about our story?

SPEAKER_02

So our dating story starts this way. We dated for six years before we got married. And let me tell you, we're gonna share how we got it all wrong.

SPEAKER_01

All wrong.

SPEAKER_02

All wrong. Told you we we learned some things when it comes to relationships. So we got it all wrong. This was before we got saved, BC before Christ. So so we went through a lot of different ups and downs and challenges with our with our even for dating. When we first uh met, he got our he got my number. I got his. He said Jason H, which was hilarious.

SPEAKER_00

You know you love that. She loves it because every time we talk about it, he said Jason H. You like that mysteriousness about me.

SPEAKER_02

Well, let me tell you, I'm gonna tell you something very fascinating. There are there were a few moments in our dating process and even in our our meeting process that I felt like this is God. Okay. I mean, there were just too many coincidences. Okay. The very first time I met my husband, I didn't know he was my husband.

SPEAKER_00

This, okay, this is an awesome story.

SPEAKER_02

So I went to the University of Wisconsin in Milwaukee. I got my bachelor's degree there and I got my master's degree there. Shout out to UWM. Woo-hoo. Um but the very first summer, I graduated in '87, so the very first summer that I went to school, I went to campus, and there was this program that I was a part of called the MedPrep program. And I went to the program, the very first orientation day I was supposed to meet the coordinator of the program, Miss Marion. And she had a secretary. Her name was Vita Hamilton. I didn't know who she was, but she had this really funny picture on her desk, right? So there were these three, there were these three beautiful kids, okay? A son, another son, and a daughter. So they looked kind of young. The son looked like he could have been maybe my age or a little older. And the second son looked a little young. And then the third, the daughter, you know, of course, she was elementary age. But the second son, he caught my eye because he had this weird. You remember the gumby, the gumby cut? Bobby Brown used to wear the gumby. Yeah, he had that like a shark head, tilt to the side, shark head. Okay. But I was looking and I'm thinking, who is this dude? You think he all that with the gumby cut? I'm like, ugh.

SPEAKER_00

That is so funny. I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_02

So when we started dating, the first time he took me over to his mom's house or his house, I go into the den, and lo and behold, what do I see? I see that same photo, and I just busted out laughing. I'm like, that's you, couldn't that's you. And I'm like, I knew, I kept saying, I knew your mom looked familiar. I just didn't know that it was her at the time. So I met my mother-in-law before I met my husband. But the bottom line is we dated for six years off and on. We would break up, get back together. We had horrible, you know, horrible communication steals, horrible. But we did get to know each other and we found so many things that we had in common. Like both of us had a our youngest sister, yeah. Our baby sister's names were Lydia. Yeah, I mean, how weird is that? His sister named Lydia, my sister name Lydia.

SPEAKER_00

My my brother's name is James, her brother's name is Jamie. It's like there were so many similarities, and it was just it was really it was uncanny but cool at the same time. For sure.

SPEAKER_02

So when we started first initially going out, we didn't go out by ourselves, we kind of did the the friend group dating kind of thing. So one of my one of my friends named Tammy, and then he had Jared, who I had met the first time we met. Uh, we talked about that during the attraction.

SPEAKER_00

Attraction. Now, if you haven't watched attraction, stop because some of this stuff won't make sense.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

Go back and watch attraction and then come on back to dating.

SPEAKER_02

And make sure you like, share, and subscribe.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, and comment.

SPEAKER_02

And comment because we want to know exactly what we're doing. We want to hear from you. We need your feedback because we want to make sure that these are impacting you and that you're enjoying what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, this is your space and this is your content. So we want to make sure you're you're making comments.

SPEAKER_02

So we did the group dating thing, and um, the very first time we went on a date, we went to the movies and we went to go see Chucky. This was in this was in November or was it November, December?

SPEAKER_00

I think it would have been November. It was November 88.

SPEAKER_02

November 88. That's when we met. Um, so he had just turned 18.

SPEAKER_00

18, feeling myself. Raw dog.

SPEAKER_02

So we went to the movies to see Chucky, and then after that, we came back up to the dorms. The four there was four of us, and we started playing cards, and he just thought he was all that. But I'm not gonna lie, I liked him. Yeah, I thought he was pretty cool. I thought he was hot with the high top, not the gumby, but yeah, I converted to the high top. So basically, we did this for years. We dated for six years.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, we did everything kind of backwards, if you will. Um, made a lot of mistakes. Um, but I think we cared enough and we had such a tremendous connection from how we met to how we started first dating and getting to know each other. And we just started getting to know each other more and more, and eventually we learned how to work through everything.

SPEAKER_00

One of the things that we learned um as we were navigating dating, so like Roz was saying that, you know, we had, you know, we would be together and then we would break up for a while, we would be together, we would break up for a while. And I I really believe it it was primarily due to immaturity.

SPEAKER_02

Agreed.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, agreed. I mean, yeah, I just turned 18, but just because you're 18 doesn't mean you're an adult. I'm just keeping it real. Okay. Not to say there aren't mature 18-year-olds because you're probably watching and like, man, what's up? I'm I'm I'm mature, I got my act together. You just didn't have your act together. I get that. I was immature, right? And as a result of it, you know, I made some horrible, horrible decisions during the dating process. And I'll talk about that a little more when we talk about uh some of the challenges that

What’s the Difference Between Dating & Courting?

SPEAKER_00

we have. But in navigating dating, as we got older, we recognize that hold on, there's a couple of aspects to this. That's right. There's dating.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

And then what we learn is later on that there's courting. So you want to talk a little bit about the difference between the two?

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely. So, first of all, dating and courting are definitely not the same. Two different words, and being so young and not really experiencing that from our upbringings, you know, there was never a distinction. But as we've gotten older and now AD after deliverance, we now understand the difference. So dating is casually exploring compatibility, primarily romantically, okay. Um, the end game for dating isn't always marriage, okay. But courting, on the other hand, is a focused intent on finding a spouse. So once we understood the difference between dating and courting and the intent behind both, then you can decide where you are when it comes to finding someone or you know, starting to be a little more social and starting to enter the enter the game, if you will. You know, back in the day, you know, we we like to watch, well, I'm not gonna say we, I love watching period pieces, okay?

SPEAKER_00

I do too. And so during- Shout out to Downton Abbey.

SPEAKER_02

But the bottom line is we like to watch the the period pieces. And, you know, when the young lady comes out, uh, she presents herself to the queen. That means she is now eligible to be courted, to be called on. So, you know, well, they didn't have phones back then, but call alone means I'm gonna come over and visit you.

SPEAKER_00

And we're gonna sit and we're gonna have conversation. That's right.

SPEAKER_02

We're gonna communicate. Okay, we're gonna get to know each other. What is common, what is not.

Know and Understand Your “Intent”

SPEAKER_00

I do want to go back to the whole concept and the idea about the intent behind dating, and then the intent behind courting. So something that Rosalind said that is really true. Sometimes the intent behind dating is just for self-pleasure. Yeah. I had a conversation with my sister. Now she's 10 years younger than I am. So will she be considered a millennial?

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. So she's a millennial, and so she's she's out on the scene dating. And some of the stories that she tells me blows my mind. She was telling me about this one date that she went on. The guy was just, you know, he was a buster. She was like, that's a disconnect. But he was like, can we can we still get down with one another? I'm like, are you kidding me? She said, Jason, it's rough out in these streets. Yeah. So out in the dating streets. So again, it's all about intent. That's right. So that's just something you want to make sure you are clear on.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely. We have to be clear and real about our intentions. Are we looking to date? Start with dating, or are we a little more mature and we're ready to be serious and we want to start courting? Not only do you want to be clear about what you are intending, you want to make sure that whoever your love interest is is also clear about their intention. And they they may not even know the difference between dating and courting. So uh you need to know what that intent is and you need to see if they're still in line with you on that.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly, exactly.

The “A.C.T.s” of Dating and Courting

SPEAKER_00

So, you know, what we talk about often is there's a dating act, yes, and then there's a courting act.

SPEAKER_02

A C T Act.

SPEAKER_00

A C T. So you want to talk about the Dating Act, and I talk about the courting act. Sounds good. Yeah, because I finally got my act together. And after getting my act together, then I could court and move to the next level from dating. So go ahead, Bay. I know I'm being silly.

SPEAKER_02

I love it. All right, I'm gonna act now.

SPEAKER_00

You're gonna get your act to get your act together too.

SPEAKER_02

All right, the act of dating, a alignment. Are you aligned? You and the person aligned, C connectivity. Is there a connection? You want to make sure that there's a connection through communication and talking, and then T, togetherness on the surface level. I enjoy being with this person, I enjoy spending time with this person. I want to do more of that. So those are the acts of dating. And again, it's surface level, and you're just testing the waters, if you will, not going too far. You know, you want to set boundaries with your dating. Uh you know, you're gonna know what, you know, you already know what your intent is, but you want to know what you will do and what you will not do. That's totally your decision, and you know, that has to be respected, but know where you're gonna draw the line when it comes to dating, um, to see if this person is aligned with you well, if you make a connection, and if you enjoy spending time together, togetherness.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So then there's the there's the courting act.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

And so A is amiable. Yes. Is it amiable or amiable?

SPEAKER_02

Amiable.

SPEAKER_00

Amiable, I think. See, that's good grammar. All right. Basically, what we're talking about there is the personality and the character of that individual. So in in courting, you're looking for personality and you're looking for um character versus just simply an attraction or are we, you know, are we aligned? There's nothing wrong with alignment, but going into it from a courting perspective is completely different.

SPEAKER_01

Are they likable? Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

And then the second thing is compatibility. So when you're thinking about courting and you're thinking about character, is that character compatible with my character? Okay, we're gonna talk about values in a more in a moment, but when you're thinking about character and whether or not we're compatible, um, what we're talking about our values now in line. And then the last thing with the courting act is transparency. Yes. Now we'll we'll talk more about that in the episode on communication, but being able to be transparent early on in the relationship says a lot about where this relationship is going.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

And so ultimately the end game with courting is really trying to understand them and know them at a deeper level, and then also exclusivity. Okay, because sometimes dating is like, okay, I'm going out with you this Saturday, next Friday, I'm gonna be out, you know, with Miss Jackson. Sorry, Miss Jackson.

SPEAKER_02

You need to quit. I love it. I do too.

SPEAKER_00

But the reality of the situation is there may or may not be exclusivity, but when the intent is to court, the intent is

Facing the Challenges of Dating w/Discernment

SPEAKER_00

for exclusivity. You know, what are some of those challenges and and how do we how do we overcome some of those challenges?

SPEAKER_02

Well, we've got to definitely make sure that we know what our intent is. That's that's are you ready to date or are you ready to court?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, what is your love interest's intent and do that does that line up? Um, are we understanding the the act of dating and the act of courting? Are we aligned with that? Do we know what our boundaries are, our do's and don'ts? We don't have to, you know, give them a whole list of what we will and will not do, what we like and what we don't like. We can just have an internal, an internal list, if you will, of what we're looking for in the in in the love interest. And I think knowing what those things are, you know, would be great. I remember Aunt Vi, his Aunt Vi, she uh wrote a book about her checklist before she got married to her husband. She didn't come up with those by herself because she realized she'd made a lot of mistakes coming up with her own list. So she asked God to give her a list. And he did it. He gave her a list that she was able to check off. So in her dating and courting process, she she was able to find all of those things in Uncle TJ.

SPEAKER_00

You know what? Go ahead. Let's let's pause for the cause a moment. So the value of that list, I like the whole idea of the list because when I think about challenges with relationships, I'm thinking about the challenges during our six years of dating. Yes. Okay, so uh one of my challenges was other women. I mean, that was just that was a legitimate challenge. Although I I felt in my heart a true and sincere connection with you. I was still immature and I wasn't done sewing my oats. Not that that was like my intent, right? But that was the reality, reality of my situation. Now, in understanding that was my dating act, if you understood this what we're talking about today about dating act versus courting act, what would you have done differently? Or even why did you even why did you even stay in the game? I know this is not well.

SPEAKER_02

Here's the bottom line Whenever you did that, my reaction was I'm leaving him alone. So I left you alone. I didn't I didn't call you, of course. I'm not gonna be chasing after no guy because my mom always said, Don't chase after no dude. And I I I stuck to that. I ain't chasing after no dude. If he wants to be with me, if he's serious, he's gotta come correct, period. And so I just I let you go every time. And I didn't come back, so you the one came back, but I sensed each time you came back that you were sincere. I sensed that you were that you you knew you knew we had a connection and you knew that I was the right one.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And I I think in all honesty, it was just are we saved or are we unsaved? Because I think this the point of salvation for both of us, it changed the whole trajectory of the dating into courting process. And we really did court. Yeah, we we court the last, was it six months? Yeah, the last six months before we got married in '94, we actually courted. We got married August 6th, 1994. So if you go back six months, we truly began the courting process because a transformation took place in his life. I saw that and I recognized, okay, he's ready now. But I thought that I was ready too, but I wasn't. I mean, because every time we would break up, I start seeing other guys, you know. Hey, you know. But for me, I always Always wanted, I wanted the whole courting thing. I wanted to be married, but I didn't know that it was courting. Uh, I was looking for exclusivity. All of my relationships, I was looking for exclusivity. The moment I realized he, the other guy, wasn't, I just, you know, I just casually made myself disappear. I ghosted. Um, and I I found a way to do that. Uh, but he was the only one that would just come back.

SPEAKER_00

So so in essence, that was maybe some others came back too, but I I kept I kept coming back.

SPEAKER_02

There was no connection and there was no transformations.

SPEAKER_00

No, no, but there was something in the water that kept causing me to come and take a drink. There was something in that water. Um, but even in in hearing what Roslin is saying, it's how do we overcome, you know, the challenges that, you know, that are that come with dating, that even come with courting. And, you know, one of the things that she said was there were some there were some boundaries that she set. It's like, okay, if you're going to act this way, I'm not just going to tag along and go for the ride. No, I'm letting you go because apparently you don't value this relationship enough that you would take that step towards exclusivity.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

But that's why you've got to understand the intent up front. See, that was our problem. We didn't understand the whole concept of intent. That's dating intent. Exactly. We didn't communicate it. We didn't even know to communicate it. I was 18 years old. Yeah. So it's like, what the heck is that? You know, intent. Well, I got an intent, all right.

SPEAKER_02

But it was funny too, I think about the whole idea of courting because I remember in college and I would go home and some of your, you know, your older relatives, are you courting that young man? You know, you hear somebody say, Are you courting? You courting, you know, and it's like, no, or yeah, I guess, you know. I didn't really know or understand there was a difference. Um, and I know you didn't either.

SPEAKER_00

No, not at all.

SPEAKER_02

So once I finally understood what it was, I realized that was my intent. That was my intent of giving myself to someone is because I wanted to be married. Yeah. And I knew that was just something that I was going to do. I knew I was, I always knew I was going to be married. I just knew that about myself. And I tried my best to carry myself in a way that, you know, hey, I need to be a lady, you know, I need to carry myself in a way that I will get respect. I don't have to go around with my nose held high, you know, like I'm better than anybody else, but carry myself like a lady to where a guy will respect me. Um, not all of them will, but the ones that were level-headed, the ones that would be dating material, possibly courting material, possibly husband material, eventually they will come around. So thank God you came around.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I came around. Thank God. But here's the deal: like, like Ross, I knew one day I was gonna be married. I desired to be married. I desired to be a father, you know. Although my dad passed away when I was really young, I had an opportunity to taste what family was like. My best friend, I would go and spend time at their home. And I mean, mom, dad, my friend, um, his sister, I mean, I had an opportunity to taste and see what healthy family was. And I know for me, I really wanted healthy family in my life. And so, you know, when we look at some of the challenges that that come along um, you know, with dating and courting, you know, you've got to be prepared to step away. And I know that can be difficult, especially if you've been dating for quite some time. Like, you know, we talked about a second ago. We dated six years before we got married.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And there were different points that either I stepped away from the relationship or she stepped away from the relationship. Most of the case, most of the time, it was the reason why she was stepping away was because I was messing up. But thank God for Jesus and salvation. A D. A D. After deliverance, right?

SPEAKER_02

After deliverance.

SPEAKER_00

So sometimes you actually have to be prepared to step away from the relationship and be sober.

Be Sober: Recognize “Red Flags!”

SPEAKER_00

Be sober, recognize red flags, you know. Um, okay, so now, you know, we got smartphones. So recognize red flags. Recognize red flags.

SPEAKER_02

Well, some of them red flags, I'm gonna tell you right now, is people that they just want, they have needs, okay? They have needs for something, whether it's sex, whether it's money, whether it's affiliation and association, they are using you to meet a need. They're not necessarily ready for any kind of relationship. They just want to be with you for something that you can fulfill on their behalf. That's definitely a red flag. Another red flag would be people that over time, when you get to know them, you'll see that they may have reckless or abusive or uh elusive kind of behaviors where they're not really into you, they don't really pay attention to you, or they may be very abusive, they may um have addictions or different things, they may also have things to hide, um, or they may uh just kind of be kind of careless with their behaviors and do things and don't think about consequences, they don't seem very responsible. Those are different things that you want to kind of pay attention to. Those are definitely red flags, and those types of behaviors will affect your relationships. Pay attention to the signs. I know sometimes it can be hard when the person is fine. I mean, he is beefy, he got the muscle, he got the look, he he looked good, you know, great body, you know, he got money, you know, you know, he's popular, and to be seen, you know, you want to be seen on his arm. Learn their behaviors, learn about the things that you may not like and the things that you do like. When it comes to dating and courting, think with your head, not your heart. When it comes to marriage, think with your heart, not your head. Okay, so be sober, be vigilant, know what's going on, be aware of those red flags. Yeah. Um, and if there, if some of the red flags, if you start to see them kind of change because of you, you've made a difference or an impact in their lives, then that's there still could be a love connection there. Um, but if they're not changing over time and it's causing inconveniences for you, and you're not feeling that you're on the same page, there's no compatibility, um it's it might be time to walk away. And it's okay to walk away. Like a lot of the old folks say, there is plenty fish in the sea. There are plenty fish in the sea. So you don't have to feel like that's the one and they got away. Let them go. I had to let him go a lot of times.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and I'm hurt.

SPEAKER_02

That fish came back.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I'm her eye candy. I'm our trophy fish. Shoot, what you talking about?

Overcoming & Winning The Dating Game

SPEAKER_00

All right. So here's here's one more thing as it relates to overcoming. Nobody's perfect. That's right. Right. So we were talking about red flags. You often, you also have to be cognizant of your own flaws. So I know you may be looking for red flags in that other, you know, the person that you're dating, but recognize your own flaws. Recognize your own problems because you can't, you can't change that person. That's right. But you can always change yourself and how you may respond to certain behaviors um from that individual. And I know she may not even know this. This might be a revelation on the podcast, but we we both encourage or not encourage, we've both experienced uh uh uh some level of abuse in past relationships. We really have. And so understanding when those, you know, when those things happen, it's like, whoa, yeah, where did this come from? Yeah. And it was like, okay, this is a true eye-opener. So, you know, red flags for you know, the person that you may sing are important, but also recognize that uh you may, not you may, you you got flaws too.

SPEAKER_01

We all got flaws. Yeah, we all got children, got flaws.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. All God's children got flaws. So be willing to work through yours and recognize that the person that's sitting across the table from you, they've got to deal with your flaws, and they're determining whether or not is this something that I can deal with in the relationship. That's right.

Biblical Truth: Philippians 2: 3-5

SPEAKER_02

Biblical truth, biblical truth, Philippians 2, 3 through 5. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

SPEAKER_00

Nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. So, what that lets me know is simply this when you're dating or courting, it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them. So the intent should always be the betterment of the person that you're trying to get to know and connect with. Um, you know, we're about making each other stronger, making each other healthier. I remember, we'll probably talk more about this in marriage, but but I do remember praying about, you know, my relationship with Ross. And and I remember part of that was going to be, you know, this relationship making me a better person, but then also making her a better person as well. Um, you definitely want to show up as your true self.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, we talked about that in attraction. Um, it's important to be yourself, you know. Don't put up any any um, what's what's the word I'm looking for? Walls, facades. Don't put up no facades, that's it. Be yourself, be yourself, another great movie. Just friends. Be yourself, be true, show up as your genuine self because that's the only way people are really gonna get to know you. You gotta be yourself. If you're coming up hiding, you know, hiding behind certain things, and you, you know, let the guy see you without makeup on. You know what I'm saying? If he if he really likes you, he ain't gonna care whether you got on makeup or not. You know, be yourself, you know, be comfortable around each other. You you want to make sure that you're comfortable around each other, uh, especially when you get to the the courting part, because it becomes a little bit more serious, and you wanna make sure you know where this relationship is going. Set goals, communicate, talk, get to know one another, but be yourself and treat each other the way you want to be treated. I think that is extremely important because we've got to we've got to give to get, okay. Um, we don't want to have the relationship be one-sided or even uh in the with the dating. We don't want to be one-sided. We want to both give and take, and we want to both benefit from knowing each other and from making connections.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

Live Out Your Love Letter Challenge

SPEAKER_00

So, you know, every week we want to share with you some PowerPoints, some key things that you can take away. And you know, uh this week we want to do it a little bit different. So, for those of you that are single, what we want to encourage you to do is establish your core values. Establish your core values because when those things are in place, when you start moving into the dating and the courting. How far will this go? How far will it not go? Being honest, truthful, you know, doing what you're saying that you're going to do, whether somebody's looking or not. That's right. So setting those core values um is extremely, extremely important. And then the other thing is just being real about your goals and intentions. It's like, what is the what's the purpose for this? And what's what's my end game in this?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Why am I starting to be social? Why am I coming out? Am I coming out for dating? Am I coming out for courting? I've the done the dating scene. I want to be done with that. I'm mature and now I'm looking for somebody that I can court, somebody who's on the same level and they want the same thing. So yeah, and know your goals and intentions. Very important.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely, absolutely. That made me think about having deeper conversations early on in the game.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. Don't be creepy. Right? Don't be creepy.

SPEAKER_02

But and y'all know what we mean by creepy.

SPEAKER_00

But as as you're going along during this dating and courting process, have deeper conversations early on and look at how that individual is able to internalize and handle these things, because that's going to give you clear indication on whether or not this is something I need to pursue. Yeah. Or if this is something I just I just need to let go.

SPEAKER_02

And speaking about let go, don't be scared to walk away, even if it hurts. Every time I walked away, I was hurt. And like I said, I'm going to talk about this in communication, but I I let him know I was hurt. It was a I let him know in a bad way. It was bad communication. Okay. I'm just going to tell y'all right now. Abuse. It was horrible communication, but I let him know. It was hard for me. Each time we would break up, it hurt a little bit more, a little bit more, but I knew there was something for me. And I was willing to wait. I was willing to be patient. I was willing to start trusting God for what I was looking for, that He would bring that in my life. And He did. Sometimes He does things in a way that we don't expect, but He will do it. Yeah. That's the bottom line. If it's meant, it's meant.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And I I truly believe our experiences are part of the reason why we're having this conversation right now. So there are things that we've experienced. Um, you know, back then, uh if I had a choice, I probably wouldn't have gone through them, but I went through them. And so now we're able to use those things that we went through to be able to help others. So if if it's necessary to walk away, these boots were made for walking. Okay. That's not a good song. That's not a good song. Okay. If it's necessary to walk away, we have to walk away.

SPEAKER_02

Goodbye. Goodbye. Tevin Campbell, come on.

SPEAKER_00

Steve Mashi. Now her her song is good and mine isn't. All right. So those were PowerPoints. If you're single, now those that are, you know, dating, those that are engaged or married, the first thing is keep courting.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

One another. That's right. Make sure your partner, your spouse, make sure they know your intent is the long game.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

Your intent is to stay in no matter what. Your intent is to love, show genuine care and concern. That's right. Support. Let them know that you are still courting them.

SPEAKER_02

That's right. We date every we court every Friday night.

SPEAKER_00

Well, we court every day. Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

We court every day.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you, honey.

SPEAKER_00

I know. That's why you marry me.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

I love you.

SPEAKER_01

I know you do.

SPEAKER_00

But we date. We go on dates. We go on dates on Friday night. Friday night, date night. Trust me. When you get kids, you're gonna understand. All right. So keep courting, keep loving one another, right? Now, if you're engaged, this may be a pill to swallow.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But don't be afraid to break the engagement.

SPEAKER_02

If it's necessary.

SPEAKER_00

If it's necessary, don't be afraid to break the engagement because it's gonna be even worse if you break the marriage. That's right. So for those of you who are married, don't even think about breaking the marriage. But those of you who are engaged, don't be afraid to break the engagement.

SPEAKER_02

That's right. That's right. We we we broke our engagement twice, didn't we? Um was it once?

SPEAKER_00

It was once.

SPEAKER_01

It was twice. But I love it. The third time was a charm. I finally got it right.

SPEAKER_00

Kept the ring clean. All right. So don't be afraid to break the engagement. Um make necessary pivots and changes. So let's say you were prior to this podcast, you weren't very clear on your intentions. Well, now you can be clear on your intentions. Husband and wives, you know, prioritize your spouse over your children, over your work. You know, you may be okay with working all these hours and all this and that. But if you're really concerned about courting and, you know, keeping a depth in the relationship, sometimes you have to pivot and do a course correct.

SPEAKER_01

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

And here's the most important thing, uh, married couples, um, never forget why you got married.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

There was a reason.

SPEAKER_00

There was a reason.

SPEAKER_02

You got up there before all them people and said I do.

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm. That was a choice. That was a constant, that was a conscious choice that you made. Personal reflection. This is what we want to challenge you with this upcoming week. Okay. Be true to the desires that God placed in your heart. You know, He put a desire in you to have relationship, to be in relationship with other people. Be true to that relationship.

SPEAKER_02

What else? Some people were meant to be married, some people were not. Everybody has a gift to be married or to be unmarried. Both gifts are equally important. Um, but when you're dating and when you're courting, know what your gift is.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

That's a part of you know, just praying and having that time. Um, we've got to know what our gift is so that we can be true to the desires that God has placed in our hearts.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And I think praying and asking God to show you what's in the heart of the person that you're dating or uh courting, I think is very important too, because when you start getting a perspective on their heart condition, um either you're going to be drawn to it in a deeper way, or it's you you realize that this is this is not the person for me. Yeah. So every week, what we encourage you to do is live out your love letter.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_00

So live out that intention this week.

SPEAKER_02

Let us know about it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Let us know about it and like, share, and subscribe. And most important, we always want you to share your comments with us because this is truly your space. And we want to make sure we're answering your questions or concerns about these different topics.

Closing Prayer

SPEAKER_00

Every week we close with a quick prayer. Father, we thank you for those that are dating and courting. We pray that. They would be very clear on their intent. Yes. We thank you that you would be glorified in these relationships and just continue to speak peace and blessings over their lives. It's in Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Amen. All right.

SPEAKER_02

You know what? We forgot something.

SPEAKER_00

What did we forget, babe?

SPEAKER_02

What about people? I want to ask you this. What about if you're a Christian, but you but but you want to start dating and the person you're dating is not a Christian? What do we do?

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Is that okay?

SPEAKER_00

That is my answer to that is that is okay. Now let's talk about this briefly from a scriptural perspective. The Bible says, do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. So basically, what that means is yoked is marriage.

SPEAKER_02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

Right? So that dating process, you may be a believer, and that person is not a believer. As long as everyone knows their intent. That's right. You have got to make your intent known, then it's okay to date. Here's the deal Rosna and I, during that six-year period, we weren't saved. We weren't. We weren't. But it was once we both gave our lives to the Lord, that was the defining moment. We're going to talk about that more when we talk about marriage. But to answer your question directly, it is okay. Make sure intents are very clear. They're clear and upfront.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And then know this scripture said don't be unequally yoked. So if you get to the point where, man, I really want to get married. Well, let me tell you, you better do some hardcore witnessing.

SPEAKER_02

Let your lights so shine.

SPEAKER_00

I know. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. All right. We'll see you next time. Take care. Bye bye. We'll see you next time for Love Letters with Jason.

SPEAKER_01

All right.

SPEAKER_00

Now it's now it's bye bye for real. We'll see you next time.