The Dazes, Crazes, & Phases of Parenting!

Parenting is a blessing and one of the greatest challenges we'll ever face! In Episode 7, "P" for Parenting, we talk honestly about the dazes, crazes, and triumphant phases of being parents in a modern world, and why there's no one-size-fits-all approach. 

Indeed, children are a gift and an inheritance from God; yet parenting today comes with learning curves, strategies, various styles, and specific outcomes we cannot control. 

BOTTOM LINE: We must parent with prayer, patience, unity, God's Word, and the leading of the Holy Spirit,  even though the results will NEVER be up to you!

Chapters:

• 0:00       Welcome to Love Letters with Jason & Ros
• 2:33       Laying the Foundations of Parenting, What We Need to Know
• 5:39       Modeling Faith in the Family
• 9:12       Why Parenting Styles & Alignment Matter
• 10:10     "It's Rough Out in These Parenting Streets!"— Our Parenting Stories
• 11:21     Jason's Childhood & Upbringing
• 15:55     Ros' Childhood & Upbringing
• 21:53     How Childhood Experiences Impact Parenting
• 22:50     Impact of Work & Ministry on Parenting
• 35:14     Parenting Challenges are INEVITABLE!
• 52:53     Biblical Truths— Ephesians 6, verse 4, and Proverbs 22, verse 6
• 54:49     Overcoming & Parenting God's Way
• 57:32     Winning with "The 4 Cs of Parenting."   
• 1:08:17   Your E7 Love Letter Challenge & Closing Prayer

Additional Notes:

THE FOUR (4) C's or PHASES OF PARENTING:
This phase process helps kids develop their: Identity, Values, Critical Reasoning, and Communication Skills.

1. COMMANDER— Establish the foundation of right and wrong. Includes the why, even if they don't understand it yet. 
   1. Yes, because…
   2. No, because… 
   3. The "Because I said so!" phrase doesn't work or teach kids how to express themselves, or make logical decisions between what's right and wrong, best and worse.
2. COACH— Establish core values and encourages reasoning.
   1. Would you rather do this… or that?
      1. Is this decision within the boundaries of your values?
      2. Have you considered the possible consequences?
      3. As the coach, you make the final decision; however, always explain why. They may not agree or understand, or it may make them angry with you. However, your final decision must be based on your family's values.
   2. COUNSELOR— Encourage independence and responsibility.
      1. Allow them to make the decision and be responsible for the consequences.
      2. This phase works best while they're still in your home or in college.
      3. They're paying rent and other key bills related to their transition into young adulthood.
   3. CONSULTANT— Practice "Patient Availability."
      1. Young adults, out of your home, being there when they need you
      2. Challenges Arise: Ask them whether they need you to listen or want your advice.
      3. Moms, there comes a point when your sons are no longer your "baby," encourage manhood.
      4. Consider allowing "One stimulus package" as a bailout plan.

Scripture References:

• Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." 
• Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Everything in one place: https://linktr.ee/loveletterswithjasonandros

Live out your Love Letter. 💌

Transcript

Love Letters with Jason and Ros

Episode 7, Season 1: Parenting, Why Do I Parent This Way?

COLD OPEN

Speaker:

One of the things I struggled with, and I realize this now, is I would get frustrated with some of their questions and their curiosity. Sometimes it just kind of turned me off. The knee-jerk response was to lash out, or "because I said so."

But that can be a cop-out. Sometimes that frustration comes because we really don't know the answer to the question, and we don't really know how to deal with it. So instead of taking it as an opportunity to model humility before your child, remember, a lot more is caught than taught.

I was missing opportunities to model humility before my children. Instead, I chose the route of pride. I wasn't modeling humility because I wasn't even addressing the issue, and I was missing the opportunity for them to see another side of who I really am as a mother.

Speaker:

After the fourth kid, I really became even more of a super helicopter mom. I tried in my own strength to shield my kids from the things I thought were negative in my childhood and upbringing. I didn't want my kids to experience that, and that wasn't always a good thing.

Not only did I not trust the Lord. I may have talked to Him about certain things, but we didn't even pray together about these things. I just internalized them and went about doing what I knew to do as a mom. I always felt like if they made mistakes, if they got into trouble, that was a reflection on me. Like, I must be a bad mom because they did this or that. And that was really bad thinking.

INTRO

Speaker:

Hey everybody! Welcome to Love Letters with Jason and Ros. This is another one of our foundational episodes. We'll be having multiple episodes about parenting, raising kids, and all of that. Ready to dive in?

Speaker:

Let's dive in!

FUNDAMENTAL TRUTHS ABOUT PARENTING

Speaker:

Let's talk about fundamental truths when it comes to parenting. First and foremost, parenting is a blessing because children are a gift from God. They are an inheritance. It is wonderful to be able to have children. And even if you can't have children, it's still okay, because we can all be parents, and as we get older and become adults, we can help another person grow and develop into who God has created them to be.

Another thing about parenting that we've learned is that it is a continual learning process. Once you're a parent, you're always a parent. You just can't help it, it just happens. Even when your kids are in their 60s or 70s and you're in your 80s, you're still their parent.

Parenting is an ever-changing thing, and the results, you cannot control them. Even if you do the very best parenting, you still can't control the outcome. Because when they get older, they have their own mind, their own decisions, and they're going to do what they want to do with their lives. All we can do is raise them up in the best way we know how.

It's funny when I talk about the ever-learning process for us. We had four kids. The first two we like to call our guinea pig kids. Well, they actually call themselves that. They were quite experimental. The second set of kids we call our secondary trials. So we're still in the trial process. Prayerfully, by the time we get to grandkids, they'll be the real deal. They'll be the clinical trials.

Speaker:

I can't wait! Oh my goodness.

Speaker:

The funny thing about having kids too is that each one of them is different. They are unique. They have unique needs and unique attentions. So parenting requires a unique application for each one of them. Be prepared, because we're not going to be able to raise them all the same.

One of the things about parenting, as we navigate these foundational truths, is that as parents, I believe we're called to model a life of Christ before our children. What I mean is coming together as a family and praying together, spending time in God's Word together, and facing life challenges together.

I remember our youngest, back in 2020. She was really, really sick. She was hospitalized for a month and had to have surgery and multiple transfusions. It was a very scary situation. But we took it in stride. We spent time praying together, we played praise and worship music together. It was a challenging time, but we went through it together as a family and stood on faith throughout that process.

Another thing is having healthy communication between parents. It's been said: more is caught than taught. How I treat my wife and how she treats me has a lasting impact on our children, because they're watching our lives. Always make sure you offer space for the kids to come to you and talk about anything. Anything.

They're young, they're growing, they're developing. They have thoughts and ideals they're working through. You want to create a safe space for them to have that kind of dialogue.

Another way we model faith with our children is through giving back to the community. I remember one Christmas, instead of opening gifts, we went down to the homeless shelter and fed people who were homeless. The kids were young, but I wanted them to understand that Christmas isn't just about getting toys and gifts. There are people who have needs. Christmas is truly about giving. It's about Christ and His gift to us, and about us giving to others.

And of course, celebrating victories. We would always come together as a family for basketball games, track meets, choir concerts, music concerts. Our little Juju with the violin. We always celebrated each other's victories. We celebrated the small wins and the milestones that we saw God provide and manifest for us. They saw those things, and we were able to celebrate together.

PARENTING STYLES AND ALIGNMENT

Speaker:

Let's talk about parenting styles alignment. Everybody has their own unique parenting style, and those styles need to be in alignment. We'll talk about what influences your particular style, but no matter what it is, it must be in alignment so that when you're parenting your children, you're doing it on one accord.

With alignment, you've got to have the conversation: How are we going to parent our children? What is your role? Are you going to be the good cop? Am I going to be the bad cop?

Ros and I had different parenting experiences, and as a result, those influenced how we each thought we should parent. But at some point, we had to come into alignment.

OUR PARENTING STORY

Speaker:

Let's talk about our parenting story. I like to call it: it's rough out in these parenting streets. Jason, why don't you begin?

Speaker:

When we got married, we were pretty young, 23 and 25, and we had our first child a year after getting married, then our second child a year after that. By 25 and 26, we already had two kids. We took a five-year gap. Unfortunately, Ros had a miscarriage, but then we had two more. We have four kids now, and they're adults. Our oldest is 30 years old. We've got some parenting experience.

There were a couple of things that influenced how we raised our children. First was our own childhood experiences. Second was work. And third was ministry.

My dad passed away when I was eight years old, and that moved me into a single-parent family. Our family had a large manufacturing and distribution company, and a lot of attention and time was given to that business. I even had a job. My job was taking out the trash. So I saw the importance of entrepreneurship early on.

My dad was a very firm disciplinarian. He was no joke. He was a big man with strong hands and thick leather belts. After my dad passed, my mom's method of discipline was grounding and no telephone. You couldn't go outside, you couldn't get on the phone, you couldn't play. You just had to sit in your room.

Even in spite of the discipline, I knew my parents loved me. There was no question in my mind. I look at pictures of myself with my dad and my mom, and I can see how endearing and loving they were with me.

After my dad's passing, one of the things my mom did was get me a Big Brother through Big Brothers and Big Sisters, and shout out to Darryl. He was a blessing to me. He introduced me to media. He was working in cable at the time, and I had a chance to work one of those big cameras, get behind the scenes, and do post-production.

But as it relates to family, the most influential childhood memory was with my best friend Kurt and his family. I would go over there and spend time with him, his mom and dad, his sister. They had a dog. It was like Leave It to Beaver. They had a healthy home environment, and I knew that at some point in my life, I wanted that.

Now, my mom had an ultimatum for me and my brother. She said, "When you turn 18 and graduate from high school, you have one of three options. There's no grown man laying up in my house without a job. Option one: get a job. And if you do, you'll start paying rent and taking care of things around the house. Option two: go to college. Option three: if you didn't do either of those, you were going to the military. Something. You're going to do something."

So if you have sons nearing 18, you might want to start having that ultimatum conversation.

Speaker:

Mine was a little more challenging. There was just a lot going on when I was growing up. Like you, I was raised by a single mom, as the firstborn. By the time I was 8 or 9, I had all of these sub-parent responsibilities. My cousin, I call her my sister-cousin, and I love you Debbie, we kind of grew up together. We would babysit my younger siblings and younger cousins. We did diaper changes, fed kids, cooked little meals, and cleaned up. We did a lot of that at a very young age.

So I had a lot of responsibility and I took it personally. It was very much embedded in me to make sure that when I was responsible for people younger than me, nobody got hurt. I didn't want my mother to come home and something bad had happened. So I kind of grew up fast.

I knew my mom loved us and she did the best she could with what she had. Her punishment of choice was also grounding. No phone, no fun. When that was gone, it was it. So I tried my best to be good and not get caught, because I did not want to be grounded. When you're young, you feel like you're missing the best stuff.

Without our dad in the home, we witnessed some difficult things. We witnessed domestic abuse, heavy drinking, and sometimes drugs in the home. We had a lot of financial struggles. It's hard trying to raise three kids by yourself, especially in a small town like Beloit, where there wasn't a lot of opportunity. If you didn't work at one of the main manufacturing companies like GM or Chrysler, it was hard.

I remember having to go to the laundromat. We didn't have our own washer and dryer. We'd walk there with bags of dirty clothes. Those things are just embedded in me. But one thing I appreciate about my mother is that she taught us ingenuity: work with what you have, and take care of what you have.

However, I didn't realize how much of an impact all of those experiences would have on my life as an adult and on my relationships. It didn't really hit me until we started having kids and I became a parent.

Thankfully, I did get to experience real family love and togetherness. Both of my parents came from huge families. My mom's family had 14 kids, and my dad's side had around 10 or 12. So I had the opportunity and privilege to experience love and two-parent homes through my aunts, uncles, cousins, church families, friends, and neighbors. I got to experience family life, and I knew that I wanted that.

I just didn't think about being a parent, because when you're young, you don't necessarily think about it. But here's the deal: once you become a parent, it's like you're on the air and you've had no rehearsal time, no practice, no training. The babies are here and you've got to figure out what to do.

Speaker:

When you look at our story, it's not a knock on our parents at all. Their situation was their situation, and they did what they felt was best. I love my mom, and I know you love your mom. We are better for it. And it's the same for you. Whatever environment you grew up in, that is your reality. And God is going to use our reality, and your reality, to rear this next generation.

More often than not, our parenting is a direct result of our upbringing and our experiences with our parents.

THE EFFECTS OF WORK AND MINISTRY

Speaker:

Let's talk about the effects of work and ministry as they relate to our parenting. Very similar to my dad, my mindset has always been: I've got to take care of my family. Now, there are some good things about that, and there are some challenges.

The good thing is really wanting to work hard and provide for my family, making sure they're taken care of. But another aspect of "I've got to take care of my family" that we can miss, I can't just assume that care means finances and creating a home and safe space. Sometimes care means being there mentally and emotionally for my family. It goes beyond just making money.

This work mindset resulted in me overworking and not clearly seeing what was needed in our home. What support did Ros need from me as a father in the rearing of our children? That was something I missed.

As it relates to ministry, I worked in full-time ministry for a while, and even before that, I volunteered for a good period of time. I became busy and engulfed in being a spiritual leader, a spiritual father to others in the ministry. And the problem with that is their needs became more important than the needs of my own family. That was out of order.

In honoring God, yes, we honor God first, then our marriage, then our children, and then church. Church comes after that. It doesn't make sense for me to be serving the church efficiently while my household is a mess. Scripturally, that's out of order.

What I had to recognize is that God needed to come first, our marriage second, our children third, and then serving in ministry. What happened was there was a confusion between God and church, as if church was God. The priorities were off. I was putting church first, thinking I was putting God first, but in actuality, I wasn't.

Speaker:

For me, when work and ministry were thrown into the equation, I became a Martha and not a mother. Let me explain what that means.

In the Bible, there's Martha and Mary. They were sisters, and Lazarus was their brother. Jesus and the disciples came to their house, and Martha was busy, cooking, cleaning, serving. She wanted to make sure everything was on point. But her sister Mary was sitting on the floor, listening as Jesus talked and shared and taught. Mary was getting what she needed. Martha was giving what she didn't have.

So I became a Martha. I was all about doing, doing, doing. When it came to work and ministry, it was work times five: mother work, wife work, ministry work, work work, and then work on myself, which was completely lagging. I forgot about myself after we had the kids.

For us, we moved down here in 1997. We had two children under the age of two. Buki was about three months old. Our firstborn, Pumpkin, was about a year and a half. They were very close in age.

For me, it was a whole environment change. Not only was I adjusting to being a new mom, but my parent community was gone. We moved from Wisconsin to Texas, and that was a whole different world. I loved it, but I was alone. I didn't have the support base I needed.

Before our second was born, I was working at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, where I had gotten my graduate degree. My mother-in-law would take our oldest and keep her. We had that community and support. Moving down here, I didn't have that. I ended up doing a lot, and I pretty much let myself go.

Truth be told, I was off balance. And the more kids we had, the more off balance I became, because all I really wanted, and ideally my desire, was to be a support to Jason and to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to focus on the kids' development, their growing up, starting school, extracurricular activities, helping them find themselves.

I just didn't get a chance to do that, because we started having some financial challenges. I had to start working. We started going to church and we just kept saying yes when we should have been saying no. But we've learned, and now we can share it with you.

After the fourth kid, I really became even more of a super helicopter mom. I tried in my own strength to shield my kids from the things I thought were negative in my childhood and upbringing. That wasn't always a good thing. I wasn't trusting the Lord. I may have talked to Him about certain things, but we didn't even pray together about them. I just internalized them and went about doing what I knew to do as a mom.

I always felt like if they made mistakes or got into trouble, that was a reflection on me. Like, I must be a bad mom. And that was really bad thinking. Truth be told, that was the devil, because what I really needed was Jesus. We need Jesus when it comes to parenting. We need the Holy Spirit. We need the Word of God to ground us and give us a basis for how we are to parent.

As more kids came, the dynamics of our family changed. I was making adjustments, but not in the right ways. All four of our kids have their fair share of challenges, health concerns, different types of mentalities. The mistake I would always make is I would zero in on that one kid, trying to help that one child, and I would forget about the other three, forget about myself, and forget about him. That was not good.

All of these things caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me. I wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating right, wasn't exercising, getting fresh air. And above all, I wasn't praying. Going to church was the thing, but going to church isn't going to take care of it all. Your relationship with God is what takes care of it. Your time with Him, to sit down, be still and quiet, and let the Holy Spirit give you insight. I didn't have those times. I was just running nonstop.

PARENTING ROLE MODELS VS. MENTORS

Speaker:

We did have parenting role models. We developed community and great relationships within our church. But what we didn't have were parenting mentors. That's what we needed: people who would come alongside us so we could ask real questions, versus being on the sideline looking at someone else's life and thinking we understood what it was like.

Speaker:

We should have been asking for mentors instead of just observing. Because everything that glitters is not gold. That grass is not always green. Sometimes it's astroturf.

Speaker:

But seriously, we didn't have mentors, and that was the challenge. At the end of the day, we were trying to be the best parents we could possibly be. We wanted the best for our children.

COMMON PARENTING CHALLENGES

Speaker:

Parenting challenges are inevitable. They are going to happen. So here are some of the common challenges you may experience.

Favoring one child over another. We have to be careful about that. You might have one kid who gets straight A's and is a star on the basketball team, and another who's struggling to get a C and just wants to play PlayStation all day. We have to be careful not to favor one over the other, and please remove from your vocabulary the line: "You need to be more like your brother" or "You need to be more like your sister."

And here's the other thing: we can't treat them all the same way. They have different personalities and different behaviors. You'd think they came from the same womb with the same genetic makeup, but mentally they can be in completely different worlds.

Another challenge: don't lead with "Do as I say, not as I do." That is not a good thing.

Here's another big one: putting your children before your spouse. That is a no. That is going to bring problems into your household.

And this one is a tough one: putting your boyfriend or girlfriend before your kids. That is completely out of order. When you're married, the order is God, spouse, then children. When you're single with children, it's God, children, family, and then your boyfriend or girlfriend. Once you get married, then it becomes God, spouse, and children together as a family.

And when people come together and blend families, consider one of my best friends. When he and his wife got married, he had a son and she had a daughter. But when they came together, they established what the parenting was going to be for each child. It wasn't, "I'm just going to come in and do what I'm going to do." No, they came into agreement and parented in alignment. I love that.

Speaker:

For me, and I think moms do this a lot, we've got to be careful not to become helicopter parents. What is a helicopter parent? It's being really overprotective, wanting to shield your kids from every danger or harm, trying to keep them from falling. We don't have the capacity, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, or even financially, to shield them from life. Life happens to us all. Rain falls on the just and the unjust. We've got to get that out of our heads, and if we're having those tendencies, we've got to take it to prayer.

Another thing is not wanting your kids to experience the same childhood traumas you experienced. But life happens to us all. Some things are going to happen. They might have experiences that are different from yours, and they might be terrible. But we've got to roll with it, be supportive, and come alongside them. That's our job as parents: not to shield, but to support.

And trying to give them the experiences you wanted, whether it's things you loved as a kid thinking they'll love it too, or things you didn't have and always wanted. Maybe you always wanted to go to Disney but couldn't afford it, so you take your kids, and they say, "I'm ready to go home. It's hot." You can't believe it! But every child is different. We can't impose our wishes and wants on our kids.

Living with regrets and pondering on what you could have done differently, that's poison. That's condemnation. All you can do is do your best, pray, and if there are regrets, take them to God in prayer and ask for forgiveness. That's really all you can do.

And here's my big one. This is for when they get older: to bail out or not to bail out, that is the question. If they're wayward and we have the ability to help them out, I still struggle with that. But he has a solution, thank God.

PARENTING HIGHLIGHTS

Speaker:

My parenting highlight was all about discipline. My dad was a strong disciplinarian, and I picked up on that. I was firm with my kids when they were younger. As they got older, I eased up, because I figured if I set a firm foundation early, that would carry them through. But I forgot: they don't live in my house anymore.

Speaker:

So we kind of switched roles on that. When they were younger, I was the good cop and he was the bad cop. Now they're older, and he seems to be the good cop and I'm the bad cop.

Speaker:

As a father, I was trying to have conversations with our kids that I didn't get when I was younger. I always wanted to be a dad they were proud of, a dad where they could say, "That's my dad," with their little chests puffed out. I never wanted them to feel ashamed of me, whether it was around their peers or even around their siblings.

One of the things I struggled with, and I realize this now, is I would get frustrated with some of their questions and their curiosity. The knee-jerk response was to lash out, or "because I said so." But that can be a cop-out. Sometimes that frustration comes because we really don't know the answer to the question. Instead of taking it as an opportunity to model humility before your child, because remember, more is caught than taught, I was missing those opportunities. I was choosing pride, and I was missing the chance for them to see another side of who I really am as a father and as a human being.

Another challenge for me was not allowing them the opportunity to reason things out. I always felt like I had to have an answer, but I was keeping them from the chance to actually rationalize and reason things on their own.

Speaker:

I want to add to that, because I remember times when I lashed out at the kids too. For me, it was just losing patience. That's one of those things I also regret. Instead of lashing out and attacking them for things they did or didn't do, I should have been more patient. There were times as a parent where I had so much going on and so much stress that I viewed their issues and mistakes as a personal attack on me. Like, you're messing up my time. You're messing up what we're trying to do as a family. And that wasn't right.

So I want to encourage you, parents: if you're finding yourself frustrated with your kids and you want to go off, take some deep breaths and pray. Just like we talked about in communication, it's important to pray first before you have a hard conversation. Allow the Holy Spirit to give you an approach for each kid, because each one is different.

I think it's important to address each kid individually, and then bring everybody together and talk about the elephant in the room. If you're just attacking all of them at once, or attacking each one individually without any open conversation, a distance and a wall starts to come up between you and your kids, and even between husband and wife or co-parents. Those things can start to cause a rift in your family, and you don't want that.

Being patient and living out the fruit of the Spirit in front of your kids helps them develop their own parenting skills, even if they're not parents yet. It helps them see what they need to be doing, and what was effective in their childhood. More is caught than taught. Think before you speak.

And like I mentioned about my mom's ultimatum, you may face those moments as well. With our oldest Pumpkin, and then Buki, Bubba, and Juju, those are the four, I remember when I had to have those hard conversations and give them 60-day notices. They got to a point where they didn't want to abide by the rules of our home. At that point, you have declared yourself an adult. There are only two adults in this house, the ones whose names are on the mortgage, and yours didn't make the cut.

But seriously, when they reached the point where they wanted to make their own decisions and didn't want to abide by the rules of our household anymore, it was time for them to go. I wasn't angry or mean about it. I explained to them that it was time to go on and live their life as an adult. It was a healthy transition. I think it was great for them, and it was great for us, not because we wanted to be empty nesters, but because it was the right parenting decision.

So you may be facing that decision today. If you've got adult kids at the house telling you what to do, it may be time for the 60-day notice. And depending on how rough it is, it might be 15 or 30 days.

BIBLICAL TRUTHS

Speaker:

Let's talk about biblical truths. We have two today. The first is Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." It's not by happenstance that it says fathers. The husband is the head of the household. Fathers, it is your responsibility to train them up in the way they should go, to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Of course, mom has a vital role in training as well, but this is a direct call to fathers.

Speaker:

Mine is Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." That is a promise from God. We still stand on that promise for our kids. We've done what we could. We trained them up in the way they should go, and we hang on to the promise that when they get older, they will not depart from it. As long as you've done what you could when they were children, hang on to the promise that God will bring them back and cause them to remember what they learned.

Jason:

And God is always going to create opportunities for you to train. Maybe you don't think you were the best parent. Maybe they're adults now and starting their own families. They're still your child, and there's still opportunity to sow seeds of greatness inside of them.

HOW TO OVERCOME IN PARENTING

Speaker:

How do we overcome? How do we win in parenting? I will say this: winning in parenting is possible. With God, all things are possible.

First and foremost, we need Jesus. That is no cliche. We really need Jesus. We need God's Word, and we need the help of the Holy Spirit when it comes to parenting. Apart from Him, we can't do anything.

Each family's parenting style is going to be different. This couple might raise their children differently than that couple, and that's okay. Whatever works for your household is what truly matters. But we have to make sure our parenting styles are in line and that we're constantly in agreement. Because when the challenges come, and Satan does not want you to have a healthy, happy family, you need to be on one accord. He wants children to rebel and turn away from parents. He wants fathers to turn away from their children. He wants division and he wants family units to be broken apart. We see it all the time. But we have to know God's plan, stay in constant agreement as things change with our kids, make adjustments, and stand firm on one accord as parents, no matter what they decide to do.

Speaker:

One thing I learned, and I wish I had known this when I first started parenting, is the Four C's of Parenting. You can break your children's lives into different phases based on their age, and there are four C's for those phases.

The first is Commander. This is all about the do's and don'ts. When your kids are young and they don't know anything, this is the phase of establishing the foundation of what's right and what's wrong. But here's the power point: include the why. Even though they may not fully understand it yet, always explain the reason. "The answer is no, because of this." "The answer is yes, because of this." They may not fully understand the because, but they'll know yes and no. You are starting the process of establishing the foundation for core values.

The second C is Coach. This is the phase where you're teaching and training, establishing core values, and encouraging reasoning. You're now asking: "Would you rather do this or that?" And when they say what they want to do, ask: "Is this decision within the boundaries of your core values?" You want their decision-making process to be rooted in their values. As the coach, you still make the final decision because they're not ready to make the call yet. But always explain why. They may not agree, they may not understand, they might even get angry. But help them see that it's because of core values that this decision is being made.

The third C is Counselor. And this is a meaningful one for us, because Ros is a counselor. This is where you're now encouraging independence. You allow them to make the decision, and you allow them to be responsible for the consequences. This is while they're still at home with you or away in college. And if they're home at college age, they need to be paying rent and taking on financial responsibility. All of our kids took on some financial responsibility. Some paid rent, some paid their cell phone bill or car insurance. They were paying something. Because the moment they step out of the household, they have financial responsibilities. What better place to develop those skills than in the safety of your own home?

Speaker:

I love this one!

Speaker:

The fourth C is Consultant. This is what I call patient availability. They're young adults now, out of your home, and you're there as they need you. When they come to you, ask them: "Do you just need me to listen, or do you want my advice?" Because if they just need you to listen, listen. Be that shoulder they can cry on. And if they want your advice, share it.

Speaker:

I'm laughing because he knows this is the area where I struggle. I didn't have a consultant when I was a young adult, so it was trial and error and I dealt with my mistakes on my own. Being that helicopter mom, I always have this urge to surge. I want to flood them with options. I don't even ask them, "Do you want me to listen or give you advice?" I'm already ready to give advice. I love my kids and I just don't want them to have to go through things. But that's not even a good thing. They have to go through things in order to learn, develop, and make up their own minds about the consequences of their decisions.

My knee-jerk reaction is, "Oh, you've got that problem? Here are five options, just pick one! I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just giving you options." Instead of, "Do you want me to listen, or do you want my advice?" or "Hey, let's just pray about it." I've already got five solutions and I haven't even fully heard the issue.

Speaker:

And if you're struggling with to bail out or not to bail out, here's the deal: you get one stimulus package. Just like a get-out-of-jail-free card, use it wisely. When they become young adults and step out that door, let them know they've got one stimulus package. But think about it: when no one bailed you out, did you figure it out? Yeah, we figured it out. Sometimes it was a hard lesson to learn. But we learned it.

Speaker:

All that money I spent raising you, you should be paying me some stimulus money.

Speaker:

And moms, this is a serious one. Your sons are trying to grow up to be men. They cannot be your baby forever. If you continue to treat them that way, you're going to have a mama's boy on your hands. From the perspective of a young man, he is trying to make his mark. He's trying to become a man. Treating him as your baby is trying to hold him back, and that may even cause resentment. Encourage him to be a young man, a strong man, and help him develop a vision for what that looks like.

Even if you're a single mom with a son, if you've got brothers, uncles, or cousins who can be great role models for him, connect him with them. And get him mentors.

Speaker:

Yes! Mentors! Now more than ever, we need mentors for our children. That is so incredibly important. Don't baby them. Encourage them to be the men they really are, because in and of themselves, that's what they're craving. They're desiring to be the man God created them to be.

Jason:

Here's the beauty of the Four C's: they help with the development of identity, establishing core values, critical reasoning, and effective communication skills. If you haven't thought about these, think about it.

LOVE LETTER CHALLENGE AND CLOSING

Speaker:

So what's the Love Letter challenge for this week?

Speaker:

We're challenging parents to seek out parenting mentors. People you can glean some wisdom and insight from. We still need them ourselves.

Speaker:

We want to wish you all a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy your family and friends. Like, share, and subscribe. Put those comments out there because we want to keep making content that's relevant and important to you. Over the Christmas holiday, you can gather around the television and watch Love Letters with Jason and Ros. Bring us in for the holidays!

Speaker:

I love it!

Speaker:

Let's close out in prayer.

Father, we thank You for these dynamic parents. We thank You, Lord God, for second, third, and fourth chances to get it right. We're grateful that You are here with us, leading us and guiding us as we parent our children and lead them in the way You have ordained for them to go. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

We'll see you next time on Love Letters with Jason and Ros.

Live out your Love Letter. 💌