Walking It Out
Where truth meets real life—the good, the messy, and everything in between. Following Jesus isn’t always polished, and neither are these conversations.
Walking It Out
A Widow’s Journey Through Infertility, Infidelity, And Unexpected Grace
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One phone call said “he has COVID.” The next said “there’s a woman here claiming to be his wife.” That’s the reality Sylvia walked into while her husband was hospitalized overseas, and it’s only the beginning of a story that reshaped her faith, her identity, and her future.
We talk with Sylvia about marrying young, longing for a child, and the heartbreak of infertility, including a ruptured ovarian cyst and a stage four endometriosis diagnosis at Mayo Clinic. She shares what it’s like to carry medical grief while trying to hold a marriage together, and how betrayal trauma compounds loss when the person you’re mourning is also the person who wounded you.
If you’ve been searching for Christian encouragement, healing after betrayal, help navigating grief, this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with the line that hit you hardest.
Welcome And Meet Sylvia
SPEAKER_01Welcome back to Walking It Out. I am here with my friend Sylvia. And we're gonna just chat about life and some of the things that she has endured and walked through, and hopefully it will be an encouragement to you today. So hey girl. Hey how are you doing today? Good. Yeah. Life is light.
SPEAKER_00I was just gonna say that life life is being liftened on a regular basis.
SPEAKER_01And it just never stops life. No. Just down for a second. Oh well, I'm so happy you're here. Um, I actually don't even know your full story. Like I know bits and pieces, and I had your book, um, but I haven't gotten through it all right. Okay. Um, so yeah, I know bits and pieces. So I will also be learning more about you today. Okay. So
Married Young And Building A Life
SPEAKER_01run it back, girl. Okay.
SPEAKER_00So uh I guess the the meat of it is um how I wound up here, this year, Cedar Rapids. Um well, um, I've been in Iowa for a while. Um, I got married really young to a man that was in the military who was quite a bit older than me. Okay. Um, I always knew that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. Um, he came with five kids, and so it was just like Ann, Sylvia and Stark. Yeah. So um, but um, I did lose him to COVID in 2021. And that's kind of like where the book came from. Um, so we at the time of his passing, we have been married for 16 years. We had just celebrated 16 years of marriage, and uh, we have been dealing with some really hard things um in our marriage. There was some infidelity on his part that we were working through. Um and we were also working through an infertility diagnosis. We had always planned on having kids between us, and we tried for like seven years. We went to many different fertility specialists. I had a lot of different procedures done. They had me on lots of different types of medicines, and nothing was
Infertility Pain And Medical Whiplash
SPEAKER_00working. And um, one day I was at work and I just was having this shark pain in my stomach, and it just kept getting worse and worse. So I wound up going to the emergency room and they told me I had an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. That's so yeah, it did. Like it was on like morphine and everything, like I was in so much pain. So they did like an MRI type deal, and then I went for a follow-up a couple days later, and the doctor walked in and was like, You got a lot of stuff going on in your uterus, and pregnancy is not possible. And I suggest you get a hysterectomy, and he walked out of the room.
SPEAKER_01Okay, Ru.
SPEAKER_00Right. And uh at that point, I had just I was just done with it, you know what I mean? Because we had just been through so much, and I was just like, fine, I'll just get the hysterectomy, and then I won't have to worry about having false hope anymore, you know what I mean? Um, so um we uh is actually I wound up having a conversation with my aunt, which I believe that God led me to have this conversation with my aunt, and she was just like, Don't you do that? Because, you know, um in the 80s, uh, you know, doctors of a certain ethnicity used to convince women of a certain ethnicity to have hysterectomies as a form of population control. And so she's like, You need to get another opinion. So I was like, Well, if I'm gonna get another opinion, I'm gonna go to the best. So I wound up going to Mayo Clinic. Oh, they um they took very good care of me. This I had to go down there for a whole day. They ran all kinds of tests, and then I went back the next day to get the results, and they were like, Well, you do have stage four endometriosis, um, but we would never suggest that you get a hysterectomy. So I wound up having a surgery, and they were just like, we don't know how bad it is until we get in there because there was so much endometrium tissue that was just blocking everything, my ovaries, my philopin tubes, everything. So they did the surgery. I had to give them permission that if there was something in there that was damaged beyond control, that they could remove it. So I did the surgery. I didn't ask them about anything because I just felt like I needed to prepare myself um for what they might say. So after uh, what was it, my 12 weeks of recovery? Um, I went back and they kind of walked me through everything they did, and they were just like, Well, um, your fallopian tubes were damaged beyond control, so we had to take them. So I thought it would devastate me more than it did. Yeah. But it was more or less like a step back, what like a step back situation where it was like, okay, God, because I mean, up until that point, I had been living and breathing trying to get pregnant. Yeah. I was doing fertility yoga, I was doing fertility diets, I was doing I was the these little um old wives' tales that people were talking about online. Like one of them was like, oh, if you take Robotessin syrup, you know, it helps like increase your surgical. Yeah, and so I was doing all of these things, and I when that happened, I was just like, okay, Lord, like let me take a step back because this has been my plan for so long.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So let me step back and see what your plan is. So
Anger At God And Drifting Apart
SPEAKER_00on the other end, uh, my other half just got angry and just turned away from God because he's just like, you know, women have babies all the time and they get abortions, or they have kids and they don't want them and they don't take care of them, and all we want is just like one kid and we can't have it. And so he just wound up being very angry with God, um, turned away from God, didn't want to hear nothing about God.
SPEAKER_01I feel like that's a really hard wrestle, though. Like I wrestle with God with that. Like, so the wrestle is valid. The turning away from God, you know, not as much, but the wrestle there is so real because there's so many people that I love deeply. That's like miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage. And then, you know, like you were just saying, people get abortions or or they have babies they don't even want, they don't take care of them. And I'm like, Lord, can you make it make sense? Like, that's a real wrestle.
SPEAKER_00And I feel you on that. Um because I I I know of people too who, you know, desperately want to have kids, and I just I don't want to question God, but there are times when I'm just like, well, why do you keep putting them through this? So why what is blocking it, you know? So um I did what I thought any good Christian wife would do, and I went and, you know, praying, asking the Lord to, you know, reason with him, bring him back around, give him revelation. And he kind of just went off the rails. He started like traveling and stuff a lot, and just like, oh, I'm going to Panama, I'm going here, I'm going there. And I just kind of let him be because it's like, well, maybe he just needs to blow off steam, and you know, and uh he kept going back and forth to Africa. And I'm just like, okay, he really likes it over in Africa. He was making all these connections, and he was supposed to be connecting with these doctors that were gonna bring like these clinics to these small villages to like help people and stuff, but this this is what he was telling me anyway. And um, one day he called me uh because like we he would video call me or we would like text and stuff, and he we did a video call, and he was in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of his nose. He was pale, and he is his eyes were bloodshot, and he told me that he had COVID. So then I really just went into activation and I was just like, now I gotta fast and pray, and now I gotta do this, and I gotta call, you know, all my prayer warriors and stuff. But I I was only giving them like bits and pieces because I didn't want them to know like the whole deal. Like, so um, so yeah, I was just I was trying to do spiritual warfare on behalf of my husband, and it was like for 10 days straight. It was like one day he would be better, the next day he would be worse, one day he would be better, the next day he would be worse. So um, this was August 20th of 2021.
COVID Crisis And A Shocking Call
SPEAKER_00He called me, told me to move some money around in our account so he could get a plane ticket because the doctor said that he would be able to fly home in, I think he said like seven to ten days. Okay, cool, he's coming home. Um and then the next day I got a phone call that he had went into cardio uh arrest, cardiac arrest. They had got him back, um, but they put him in a medically induced coma because he just was having problems breathing and they just wanted his body to rest. But then after I was told that, I was told, um, I don't really know how to tell you this, but there's this woman at this hospital that's claiming to be his wife.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. And so I'm like, what? Let me fly down there.
SPEAKER_00Right. And so it's like I mean, it's it was just a whole like convergence of just like emotions because it's just like here I am 11,000 miles away from my husband that's in a coma, and then you're telling me that this is woman that's there that's that's claiming to be his wife. So I'm not talking to the doctor of his medical team and calling some of his friends and stuff. And I don't a lot of it is a blur, a lot of it was a blur then. I'm glad I don't remember as much now, but um, somehow I wound up getting her phone number. And I I mean, I just I called her, I just wanted to get some information. And um, you know, like, yeah, she fully believed that she was his wife, she had a marriage license and everything. Um, and so then it was just kind of like a not again type situation, even though he had took it way past what I thought he would. But like when he had the affair and I decided to forgive him, it was like, well, if you ever get to the point where you feel like you might, you know, be weak in the flesh and you're gonna do this again, at least have the decency and the respect to tell me. Yeah. And in that moment, you know what I mean? That's when I realized that he had just not just cheated on me again, but he took it to the next level.
SPEAKER_01Created a whole other life.
SPEAKER_00And then I found out they were in the process of adopting a little girl.
SPEAKER_02Stop.
SPEAKER_00A little girl that I had had video calls with when he would be in Africa. He told me that she was the granddaughter of the landlord of the apartment that he was renting.
SPEAKER_02Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_00And I actually talked to him about adopting her for me and him. And he was like, oh no, the school system is better out here, and the paperwork would be a nightmare. And I mean, I would every time he went, I would buy color books, I would buy clothes, I would buy dolls. The last time he went, she needed a tablet for school. We went to Best Buy, we got her a Kindle, I think it was. Like, so um, so I just remember just like I don't even, I can't even describe to you like everything that I was going through. But I remember taking this moment to just like talk to God and just be like, you have to wake him up. Like I have questions and I need answers. Like you have to wake him up, like please. And then what half an hour after I prayed that prayer, they called me and tell me and it's gone. So now it's like, now what do I do? Like I don't I've never been in this situation before. Like he's not even here. It's not even like he's at a local hospital and stuff. So I wound up fighting with her because technically in that country they were married, so she was next to Ken. And um, I was trying to reason with her, but she was being very nasty. And we had to get a mediator involved, we had to get the embassy involved, like it was a whole situation. It took me 10 days to get his body on the plane and get him back to the US.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_00So at that time, I'm also on this side of the world trying to do like damage control because only a few choice people that I trusted knew the whole story. And then everybody else was just kind of like, well, what's taking so long? Or when's the funeral? And da-da-da-da-da-da-da, you know. And uh, so I finally got all of that squared away, and I just was at the point where I was just like, I just, I just want to move on with my life. Like, this is just I don't want to think about it, I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to dwell on it, I just want to move on with my life. But there was no, like him dying and finding out that he had another wife was just the tip of the iceberg.
Secrets Unravel And Everything Collapses
SPEAKER_00Because for like the next three months after that, from September through like November, it was just like secret after secret after secret after secret after secret. I mean, he had girlfriends all over Africa. He was sending money to women all over Africa. He was paying rent for one chick. He was, he had did a down payment. No, not a down payment. He does a co-signer on something else. He had, I mean, he just it just everything out the water. Um, his $150,000 life insurance policy, he had changed her, changed, like signed over to her to be the beneficiary. I tried to fight that. They were like, um, unless you could prove that he was out of his mind when he made the change, she's the beneficiary. Like, I just everything just came just tumbling down around me. And I was finding out so much stuff that it just got to the point where like I was radiating the emotional and mental pain was manifesting itself into a physical pain. And I mean, I would go to sleep with it, I would wake up with it, and I just got to the point where I was just like, Lord, I can't take this anymore. Like, it's too much. I cannot, like, I just it hurt to breathe. And I just, I mean, I just remember just being in my living room and just being and just crying out to God, and just like, I can't do it. I cannot do this anymore. It's too much. So I just got to the point where it was just like I just shut down everything that was any kind of form of communication. Anytime something came in the mail for him, I would just throw it away. Like, I just didn't want to know anything else because at this point, it's just like I was married to this man for 16 years. How did I not know that all this stuff was going on? Like, we got married in 2005, and he started cheating on me as early as 2008. And at that point, we weren't even having problems. He just he just was one of those men that just, yeah. He just he I don't know. But I just none of that stuff, and I don't know maybe if it was just the binders for me or may I don't know what it was, but um I do know that I did everything that I knew how to do on my end to try to save my marriage. Right, you know.
SPEAKER_01I mean, even staying after the verse, right? Like we know that that's biblical grounds for divorce, and you chose to stay and like press in and try to work through it, like that alone chose your like you did you did what you were supposed to do, and that's all you can do.
SPEAKER_00I tried. So, um, yeah, so it was a lot of stuff that I had to reconcile after that because my my self-esteem was low.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, you know, I just I just felt like dumb and stupid, like all of this stuff was going on, you know, all around you. Um it and then like not being able to confront him, I think was the worst.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna ask you about that. Like, how what does that look like? Like you just found out 30 minutes well no, yeah. 30 minutes you said before you after you prayed that prayer to wake him up, he passes. So now you're left with like, hang out, wait, a a child you're about to adopt, and then a and a wife, but then it's even bigger than that. So how do you how did you or are you still figuring that out, like reconcile with him?
Therapy, Church, And Complicated Grief
SPEAKER_00So I knew that it was gonna be a complicated grief process. So the first thing that I did literally after like the funeral was settled and everything, I I went and found a therapist, and I prayed that God would send me a right therapist, and he did. She's a Christian woman, and I knew that she was the right therapist because she had the same name as my mom did. Oh so um I started there. Um, I had realized because he died in August, and I had realized like mid-October that I hadn't been back to church since he had passed. And so I was just like, Well, I need to start going back to church. Yeah. So I started going back to church um and uh started doing therapy, and I just that was just like the hardest part for me to reconcile. And so one day me and my therapist were having a session, and she was just like, even if he would have came out of the coma, right, and he would have been able, you would have been able to talk to him, she's like, what could he have possibly said to you that would have made any of this okay?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And when she said that, it kind of like was a gas moment, like Yeah. Cause I mean, he he could have tried to gaslight me, he could have, you know what I mean? But it nothing would have just nothing would have made any of that okay. So I had to sit with that, and then there was this back and forth, like, I still had love for him. Like one day I would be like, Oh, I miss my husband because he used to do this, this, this, this. And then the next moment I would be like, Oh, I hope he's burning to hell. You know, and um it just it was a very complicated, it was a very complicated grief. Yeah. And um, I mean, I was doing all kinds of reckless stuff, you know, leading up to like, because I had the the bank was coming for the house, so I had a certain amount of time to get out of the house and to pack all that up. Um I had a Which you probably couldn't pay off with the life insurance. Yes, yes. Um, there was a lot of stuff that I just had to deal with. And um I mean, I was just doing a lot of reckless stuff. I went heavy into like drinking and stuff for a while. Um, I remember one night I had got so drunk. So we we had this little patio um in the on the side of our house or whatever where we were like grilling stuff, and he had a chair that he would sit in, and I had a chair that I was sitting in. One night I just sat out there and I was drinking and I was yelling and cussing at the chair like he was sitting there. Like therapeutic? It was kind of. It was, but I think it was it was also because I was kind of low-key out of my mind. Right, really. But um actually the day that I finally let it go, um, I um so I had I had already moved here, had already kind of like established myself. I had started going to CLC and stuff and was meeting people, and I was kind of like, you know, just filling myself out, you know, this is a new role, you're single, you navigate life for the first time by yourself after almost two decades. And Pastor Christian was teaching this this message one time.
Forgiveness Without Excusing Harm
SPEAKER_00I can't even remember what it was about. I just remember when he did the altar call, he was talking about how, and like, and I just remember it so clearly. He's like, we see these pictures of Jesus when he died on the cross, and it's like there's these cute little pictures where he's got like a slash here, slash there, a little bit of blood here. And he was like, the Bible describes it as he was almost unrecognizable. And he was talking about how badly they had beat him. And yeah, and I just remember just sitting there and he said, um, he was like, and he's like, he went through all of this and he was an innocent, like he did nothing wrong to deserve any of this. And he was like, he he did this to save us from all the bad that we have done, and we sit here and we hold on to the littlest things and don't forgive each other for the littlest things. And he was just like, he died on the cross for you, just like he did for the person that you want to hold a grudge against, you know, and he's like, that's it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that he had to take all of that for us. And as he was saying that, I just remember just feeling just like this heaviness in my heart and just like in the pit of my stomach. And I was sitting there and I was crying my eyes out. And uh I heard the spirit said so clearly, it's just like I died on the cross for him, just like I died on the cross for you. Yeah, that was my child just like you were my child. And you sinned just like you, he has sinned and you sinned, and just because you didn't sin the way that he sinned doesn't mean that you know I'm saying your sin is any different. And so he's like, You've held on to this long enough, it's time for you to let it go.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And in that moment, in that moment, it just lifted. It just lifted. And and I've been done with it ever since.
SPEAKER_01I think that that's so powerful because forgiveness every everybody wants to be like, well, but they you don't know what they did, well but and it's like but I know what you did, you know what you did, and we've all done it. So it's so hard though, because I think sometimes as humans we equate forgiveness with like uh letting them back in. Yeah, and it's like no, or saying that what they did is okay, and it's like nobody's excusing what they did. When you forgive them, you're not doing anything for them, it's for you. When you're forgiving them, you're releasing yourself from the burden that comes from the demonic attacks that come from unforgiveness, from the pain, the suffering. Like you're releasing, I mean, God is releasing you from those things when you submit to forgiveness. It it does not excuse what they did, it does not make it right, it does not say, Okay, I forgive you now walls walls down and let you back in. And if they're destructive, you can't do that, right? Like boundaries are biblical. Um but I think just as a society, we're just like, No, but you don't know what they did. It's like so hearing your testimony and like girl, the fact that you got to a place where you could do that is I think we can't do it without God.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_01Like we cannot forgive others unless we receive the forgiveness. And so it makes sense to me that when you're you were envisioning what happened to Jesus and thinking about that, like then it was easier for you to let it go. Yeah. Because without his forgiveness, we could We cannot.
SPEAKER_00And I have made up my mind pretty early on, even when I was still trying to process my emotions and everything, that um I didn't want to be one of those people that had gone through something and then 10, 15 years down the line, I'm still bitter and anchor for something that happened. I did not want that. It's like whatever time and and effort, energy, whatever it was that he got out of me during that time, he was well within his rights to get that because I was his wife. You know what I mean? So I'm not gonna like begrudge him for that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, but I also did, yeah, I didn't want to be one of those people because I know people who have, you know, gone through divorces and maybe bunk bankruptcies, and they talk about it like it had happened a month ago, and I'm like, oh, when did this happen? They're like, oh, 2003. 2003. Like, come on. Right. And so um, I did not want to be one of those people. And I just a lot of it came out of it because definitely in that process, I learned about what it truly means to have a relationship about, to just have it just be me and God, because there was nobody else that could walk through that with me except
Housing Fear And The Fire Moment
SPEAKER_00God. Like, even in the process of like when they were taking my house and they gave me a time limit to be out, and I was running back and forth between Waterloo and Caesar Rapids, put looking at houses, putting in bids, and they kept getting rejected. And it got down to like the last couple weeks, and I'm like, Lord, like I'm packed up and I have nowhere to go. Yeah. And it was just like, just keep packing, just keep preparing, just keep, and you you know I have somewhere to go. About faith. Yeah. And um, so literally, um, I had, I was just like stressing out, and it was getting close to that time. I'm like, the sheriff's gonna show up and they're gonna put me out or something. I'll be living in my car with these dogs. And I remember just yelling at God, like, you want me to be homeless? Try to take me through this joke moment. I haven't been through enough. Like, you know, and then I had to go back and be like, I'm sorry, Laura, I didn't mean this, you know.
SPEAKER_01Girl, um, we've all been there.
SPEAKER_00But um, so I had just decided to just cut out all the noise, and I just like immersed myself with just like worship music and sermons and stuff like that. And I remember I was listening to this pastor on YouTube preach this sermon about the look the three Hebrew boys, and that was always my favorite Bible passage ever since I was a kid. Like I was always wowed by the fact that it was just like you facing the Biary furnace, and you just like, I mean, he's gonna deliver us, but even if he does not, and that was always the line that always got me it's like, no, I'm gonna need him to come. I'm gonna need him. Right, I'm gonna have to deliver. Right. But it's like the fact that they had that kind of faith, you know, it was just like, wow. So the night that I had listened, I went to bed that night after listening to that sermon, and I had this dream that my so I just the house that I used to live in was on a farm, it was on 11 acres of farmland. And the the farmland around the house was on fire. And like the neighbors were coming and they were trying to help me put it out, and animals were running everywhere or whatever. And uh, I remember standing on my back porch and looking out and seeing all of this chaos, and then I turned around and I look at the house, and there's like it was like it was under a bubble where it was like sunshine and burns and everything. And then I'm looking out here and I see smoke and chaos or whatever, and then there's sunshine and rainbows and stuff. And I'm like, what is this? I remember waking up that morning from that dream and just being drenched in sweat and just being like, Lord, what is that dream about? Like it just really freaked me out, you know. And so that night, all day I was working, I was just like, what was that dream about? Like that dream is just so crazy. And um that night I was getting ready to go to bed and somebody came pounding on my door. And it's like 9:30, 10 o'clock at night. I'm like, who's pounding on my door? In the country, you know, in the middle of nowhere. Right. And so I'm like, let me go, yeah, let me make sure I'm okay. So you know what I'm talking about. You know what you mean. So I went to the door and there's this guy standing there that I've never seen before, and he's super frantic, and he's like, Your field is on fire, your field is on fire. And I'm like, What? And he was like, Yes, your field is on fire, like it's blazing. And I run out the back door and I look, and the whole field around my house was on fire. Girl, blazing on fire. Not the Lord giving you. So I run in the house because he's like, I'll go to the fire department, they're on their way. I'm like, okay, cool. So I'm like, I'm gonna have to go out here and get a garden hose because the fire is like, it's gonna be on the house here in a minute. Like, I just had I felt like I had to do something because it was blazing.
SPEAKER_01What would you do?
SPEAKER_00So I ran upstairs to like get out of my pajamas and stuff, like, let me make myself presentable because the fire department's gonna be in here. I'm done. Girl, I was ready for bed. So um, I go upstairs and like in the 30, 40 seconds that it took for me to make myself presentable, I came running back downstairs and out the back door, and the fire was gone. And the fire department never came. And it was almost like the fire was never there.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_00So the fire was not even that no. And I'm just like, I know I'm not crazy because I know I saw this fire out here, it's just blazing. And I go in the house and I'm standing there and I'm like, what is that? Where did the guy go? I don't know. I've never seen that guy before in my life. And I know pretty much he was an angel. Yeah. Pr people who I've told that story today, they've asked me that, like, do I think he was an angel? Because one thing I know about the fire department, when you call them, I have goosebumps. I like goosebumps. They come regardless. Right. The fire department never came. And I remember just going in the house and just being like, what the heck is going on? And I had I wasn't even thinking about the dream or anything. Like, I'm just like, am I losing my mind? I was gonna say, did you think you were like, I did. I thought I was losing my mind. I was like, and I hadn't had nothing to drink, and I'm like, what is happening? And I just remember having had nothing to drink, nothing to drink, nothing. And I just remember hearing so clearly in my spirit, it's just like, I know you feel like everything that you had and everything that you were banking on is just like going up in ashes, but you're gonna be fine because I'm not gonna let anything hurt you. And in that moment, I was just kind of like, okay. And it was it, I call it my Moses and the Burning Bush moment because nothing was ever the same after that.
SPEAKER_01Literally burning.
SPEAKER_00Nothing was ever the same after that. Like, literally, after that happened, I found the house, I got accepted for the house that I'm living in now. Like, everything just changed, and nothing has been the same ever since. And my relationship with the Lord has been the same ever since because not that I mean, I grew up in church most of my life, and not that I never did like believe in God or anything like that, but it's like when you have those type of moments with God and you in the trenches and you see God's word like playing out in your life, it changes. It changes you, yeah, it changes how you see Him. Yes, exactly. And I it's just I'm very, very grateful that after everything that I went through, that God put me in the position that I was in, because it could have been so much worse. You know what I mean? Like it could have been so much worse.
SPEAKER_01I want you to hear that though. What you just said. It could have been so much worse. Somebody is listening to this and they're like, I mean, girl, what?
SPEAKER_00It could have been worse. It could have been like I could have been homeless, I could have wound up being, you know, not being able to deal with my pain and been on drugs or alcoholic. Like, this is the type of stuff that people don't bounce back from.
SPEAKER_01Right. Well, that's what I'm saying though. Like, the the what is the word? I don't even know what the word is, but just the drive that you have to overcome, and I think it's a supernatural thing for sure, but like even the strongest of believers, even people who were like deep-rooted, serving, love the Lord, all the things that could have just they could have walked away from the Lord so easily. Just just their husband dying, right? Okay, now Adam, husband dying in Africa. Okay, now husband, a wife. Now Adam, oh, they were adopted kids, plus all the other things you found out. Like, how did you stay planted in the Lord? Like, how did you stay in that space? How did you did you go through a period of like, Lord, how could you let this happen?
SPEAKER_00Girl. Never. I knew immediately the only way I was gonna get through it was to the Lord. There was never a moment where I was angry with him because one thing that I learned through therapy is that I also had to put the mirror up to myself.
Owning Choices And Learning Discernment
SPEAKER_00And I also think that it was God putting the mirror up to myself. And I'm not saying that like it doesn't justify what he did. Yeah, but it showed me that like you had your part in this too. Um, because there were a lot of things that when I think about it in hindsight, that there was a lot of indicators. There was a lot of things that God was trying to show you that was happening in my marriage that I like? Yes, exactly. And there was a lot of things that I thought that I was doing that was helpful to my marriage, that was actually toxic to my marriage. Like anytime he did something that bothered me, I never confronted him about it. Right. He would just, and it and it made the situation worse because I would bottle it up thinking that I was keeping the peace. Yeah, and then he would be able to tell I had an attitude, he'd be like, Well, what's wrong? Nothing, I'm fine. You know what I mean? And so that it felt, yeah, you know, and so it was a lot of things that God has showed me because I knew at some point I was gonna desire marriage again, which a lot of people find surprising. And it was just like, okay, if this is the kind of marriage that you want, these are the things that I need to show you that are gonna have to change.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But I knew immediately that the only way that I was gonna get through any of it is if I stayed closer, if I stayed in that relationship with God. I was never upset with him because another thing that I had to come to a realization about is that when I met my husband, I made the decision to marry him. I never consulted God. That is so powerful.
SPEAKER_01I don't think people, I don't think people get that. Like, don't just be marrying people willy-nilly. You've got to pray because you're gonna end up married to someone God never called you to marry.
SPEAKER_00And that's like I know that God was just as heartbroken watching me go through everything that I went through, but God gives us free choice, you know? And it's like in hindsight, you know, I just I made the decision to marry him. I didn't consult anybody, I didn't pray about it, I didn't take him around my people so that they could bet him or anything. It was just like, yeah, like he was very charismatic. He whined and dying me, you know, I was young, I hadn't had a whole lot of experience dating, you know. It's like, oh, he's got custody of his kids, he's a protector, he's a nurturer, he's in the military, like all of these things that just I thought was just so great. Yeah, you know, and it's like another thing that I think that people need to learn how to do, Christian or not, but especially when you're walking with God, is that you have to start taking responsibility for your actions.
SPEAKER_01Yes, you have to. It is not always Satan. Sometimes it's just sometimes you just do.
SPEAKER_00And you can't be blaming God. Why did you let this happen to me? And how come you didn't stop me? Because I I tried. Yes, I literally try. Exactly. And that's and and God gives us discernment, and that's why we have to stay closer to him so that we can hear him, so we can see the signals and stuff like that. So that was like my revelation moment, you know, and that's that's another reason why I could not bring myself to be like, you let this happen to me, and this and this and that. It's like, okay, Lord, I made a bad choice. I got myself into a situation, this is what's happening. Please help me. Because I I can't.
SPEAKER_01That's so good.
SPEAKER_00And so I just, and I just I clung to him the entire time. Like, even when I had moments where it was just like the deadline was moving, I couldn't find a house. I found out I didn't hardly have any money or whatever. And then everything just started moving. Like I found out because he was in the military, he served like his full 20 years that I qualified as a surviving spouse. Uh zero-down home loan. I get a stipend every month that pays my mortgage and my car payment, um, school credits to go back to school. Like my education right now is fully paid for the military and stuff. So I just feel like Delore was just like, okay, you didn't want to take care of her in life, but take care of her in death. So was then the enemy met free.
SPEAKER_01Right, right.
SPEAKER_00So all the time. And then they were telling me, like, when I went down to the VA office, they was like, but this is gonna be a while. Like, this is gonna take months and months and months to get the ball rolling. It was literally like less than a month before everything started coming together. So cool. God was just in the process the entire time. He's just like, okay, you went through it, but all right, we're gonna take care of this, you know what I mean? So, and I just the whole time just a sense of gratitude. Like, even in the aftermath of just like trying to navigate life for the first time on my own, just like having to be responsible for everything like that was hard. Yeah. And it just, yeah, I just, I mean, I had my stumbling box and I had my moments, but you know, we got it all together, and God has just been opening doors ever since. You know, life has not been perfect, you know. And I
Why Telling The Story Matters
SPEAKER_00have my moments still, and you know, we me and the Lord Russell, like when he uh when he gave me the revelation that it was time for me to write the book, I did not want to write the book. I did not want anybody to know the story. Like it was the I was still dealing with the humiliation of it and the shame of it. Like I didn't, it's like, okay, it was a thing, it happened, you know what I'm saying? Like, let's just move on. And then he's just like, you need to write. And I was like, can I just put somebody else's name on it? Like, can I wait a few years for a few people to pass away? Like, yeah, like because it was people in my family that I was just like, I don't want them to know that I'll because like my family had come from Ohio to like be with me for a little while and stuff, and just like everybody was just so like, oh I know you're gonna miss him. And in my head, I'm like, am I? Um, and so I just didn't want anybody to like know about what I went through because I was still like ashamed of it and just still, but it just yeah, one day we were doing this back and forth in the spirit, and I just heard like this loud, like inaudible but audible voice in my head is just like, it's not about you, and I'm like, what do you mean? It's not about me. I was the one who went through it. Like, what do you mean it's not about me? And then when I thought about it, it was just like um okay, yeah. Um, as when I started writing it, like I I started to understand because people go through things in life devastating, heartbreaking, disappointing things. Yeah, and they don't necessarily have people around them to like give them hope and have and they don't realize that there is life and happiness and stuff on the other side. Yeah, you'll have your battle scars and it's gonna change, you know, your your outlook in in certain types of ways, but you can still live. Like you're not be miserable and sad and depressed about it for the rest of your life. And so once I got that revelation, it's like, yeah, I get it now, because people do need to understand that there is life after betrayal and heartbreak and disappointment, and you know, when you lose somebody that's close to you and stuff like that, like it doesn't it doesn't lessen like what you went through, but you there's still life to live. Right. And you know, God kind of showed me that, you know, and he's giving me a like a second chapter in life to live. So I'm just grateful to say one.
SPEAKER_01Um when you're talking about like him saying it's not about you, I feel like nothing about our life is ours, which is such a hard revelation to to really like submit to. And like, okay, but like I don't want to tell that part. Like, can I tell this part? This part I'm gonna tell you. He's like, Not the whole thing. And I'm like, no, I'm gonna tell the part where I did the thing, and he's like, yeah. Okay, so I think it's so good that they got that revelation. It's like, yeah, nothing in our life is ours in a world that is so full of like everything's mine, my mind. This is my story, my truth, my no, it's not. Yeah, no, it's not. I know it's unpopular, but no, it's not. Right. And um, second, you're talking about just the new second part of your life. So get into that. Like, what what does that look like for you now? So you went through the hardest thing, I think, one of the hardest things a human could endure. And now you're doing the second part. So, what is God doing?
Restoration Through Travel And New Goals
SPEAKER_00Well, one thing you had to do was work on my self-esteem and show me who I was. Yeah. Um, uh, he gave me my confidence back. Um, you know, there there used to be a time where I just I couldn't even stand and look at myself in the mirror. And now I'd be like, okay, girl, you know, and and even in those moments, I'm like, you know, God, thank you for showing me who I am. You know what I mean? And so just like showing me like the inner strength that he gave me and like the endurance and stuff that he gave me. So it kind of started there. And then it's just like, well, you got, you know, it's just you now. And in the beginning, it felt so selfish because it's just like there's nobody for me to like take care of. And I had been doing that for so long, like putting myself on the back burner, putting other people first, the kids, my husband, all of that. Right. And it's like, make a list of some of the things that you always wanted to do. And, you know, so I just started checking out the list. So I was going to take ballroom dancing classes, so I did that. I was on to learn how to swim, so I took swimming lessons. I wanted to learn how to ice skate, so I did ice skating. And the more I started like doing those things, the more I was just kind of like, this is fun. Yeah. Like I'm enjoying life, you know? And then like things that I always wanted to do that just was always kind of like a day journey to me. It's just like, oh, you know, one day, you know, like I always wanted to go to Disneyland. You know, I had the time and space and money to go, so I went, you know. Um, I used to beg my husband to take me to a um a uh a professional football game, like in person and stuff. I love football. No, you just did that like not that long ago. I know every year. Every year now. Uh so I always wanted to go, and he used to just be like, oh, the tickets are so expensive, and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, well, it would be kind of hard to afford that when you're taking care of the Africa, what kind of period? Right. But we're not gonna, we already know there's home. But I but I had wound up getting like a thousand dollars back from like the homeown everything after I closed on my house, and it was like, that's the first thing I'm gonna do. I'm gonna book tickets or whatever, and I'm gonna go. I'm gonna watch. And now I do it every year. Um, you know, I've just I've been able to do so much. Like God has opened the door for me to be able to do so much. And like this last year, what was it, 2024? No, 2025, 2024, 2025. I mean, I was just zipping all over. I know you were not.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I've seen her in church. Oh, she's over there. Okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like I've just been jet sitting all over the place. And then I just like I was um having this moment where I was just like, why now, Lord? Like, I'm grateful for it, but like, why now? Like, because I've been to Florida, I've been to California, I've been to Washington, D.C., I've been over here, over here, over here. And he's just like, just wait. You know, like just lean into it, you know what I mean? Just go ahead and enjoy your fun. And then when I realized that I had 36 months of educational credits, I was just like, I don't know if I'm gonna try to go back to school and this, this, and that, or whatever. But um I took my my nephew to a sports camp last spring, and I paid $340 for him to go to this camp, and it was ran horribly. I mean, horribly. And so, and I volunteered at the camp. And so the whole time that I'm there, I'm looking around and I'm like, this is off, this is wrong. Why didn't they do this? Why didn't I do that? And so I wound up emailing the director like the Monday after the camp had happened. I was like, um, for how much we paid for these kids to go to this camp? And y'all had a Super Bowl winning, running back at this camp, and it was rinky dink and torn down, and nobody checked the sound system. Like he was on the microphone trying to talk, no, do a motivational speech for these kids. The sound kept going in and out. Um, the first aid kit for the medics was literally a ziploc bag that had like five band-aids in it. Because look, I had volunteered to be a medic because I used to be an athletic trainer for the football team in high school and college. Okay. And when they asked, when they were like, okay, yeah, we want you to be a medic, the spirit kept telling me, prepare a first aid kit. Take a first aid kit, take a first aid kit. And I'm like, why? I'm like, they're gonna have one. Right. Like this is this is this is literally the Kansas City Chiefs just came off of a Super Bowl win. Like, this is like why would they not have this stuff? Matter of fact, I'm even like, why do they have bot why do they need volunteers? Right. And when I got there and I seen the little Charlie Brown Rinky Dink setup that they had Charlie Brown, I was like, okay, and so I had just told the director, I was like, that's unacceptable. I was like, there was over 200 kids at that camp. Oh, yeah. We had turf burn, we had busted lips, we had all type of stuff going on. And if it hadn't been for me and this other lady to bring up first aid. Yeah, and she was a nurse. Wow. And her kid was in the camp, and then she, I was like, we would not have had everything that we needed to be able to take care of all these injuries. Yeah. So after that, I was just like, I could do, I could run these sports camps or whatever, you know, me being a natural planner and I love sports anyway. And so I realized that in order to do that, I either had to do some know somebody in the industry to open the door for me, or I had to go back to school. Right. So I decided to take the chance to try to go back to school and get a sports management degree, so I could try to like break into that industry and all of my schooling from previous stents to college uh transfers. So I only have to do like a year and a half. Oh my gosh, and it's fully paid for by the military.
SPEAKER_01So why not? Exactly. I'm watching this all unfold, and I just feel like I know I say this verse all the time, but it it applies all the time. So God is actually truly restoring all the years that the locust world for me. Like down to like being so young and wanting to travel and like wanting to do these things, like having dreams, having hope, having all these things. And Satan came in. He stole the hope. He stole the dreams. He did the things. And then God was like, hang on, let me. I'm gonna go get those back. I'll be right back. This way for me, I'll come back. And then you're getting to like literally walk in restoration of those things. Like when you when you breathe your last breath on this earth, like there will not be one thing that was stolen from you because God is like walking you through all these things that you dreamt about. Yes. And getting to restore them. It's just so cool to see.
SPEAKER_00And I realize that too. It's just like everything that I always wanted to do that I just was kind of like, eh, maybe it happened one day or whatever. It it has been happening. Like it's just and it a lot of times it scares me too. Because I'm like, okay, what is the other shoe gonna drop? When is the handler going to drop? You know, and I just I had to start getting myself out of that mindset, you know, because there's always gonna be something that you go through. Right. But you don't have to be, yeah, when is it gonna happen? So and uh it's it's interesting too because um as much as I kind of went, I didn't really go at the director, but I was just kind of like, this can be run better than how you charging. They emailed me and asked me to come back and like volunteer at another camp.
SPEAKER_01They were in.
SPEAKER_00Maybe it is. I was just like, okay, Laura, like this is interesting. Like they wanted me to go and do one out in Cincinnati, and I was like, for free?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00With these gas prices, no, absolutely not. No, no, but if you got one going on closer, you know, so or you're gonna pay me. Right. Then they're doing one in um Iowa City for this this football player that plays for the Minnesota Vikings or whatever, he's doing a youth sports camp. So it's just like, yeah, when I have those moments when I'm just kind of like, you know, um, because yeah, I've I've I'm coming up on year six here since he passed, and I've been, you know, on my own terms, and I'm kind of like, okay, Lord, I'm done being single.
Dating Again With Boundaries And Humor
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you ready? And so it's kind of like when I get to the point where it's just like, where's my person? I'm a little bit lonely. I'm just like, I try to bring myself around. It's like, don't focus on what you don't have. Like, look at all of your other blessings and look up at everything that God has given you. And you know, you could have been homeless, you could have had this, not had that, or whatever, and you you got a lot to be thankful for. So just stay connected, keep praying, keep hoping, keep believing, and before you know it, you know, I don't know, when you're not thinking about it or whatever the case may be, you know, but yeah, I definitely want to get married again.
SPEAKER_01Girl, that could be a whole nother episode. Yeah, and you can bring me back when it happens. I love that, and I'm sure that there's so much that goes into that. But I know the Lord, I think, seeing you walk this out, it's like He's preparing you for that. You know, he's letting you get all your Yeah, not that marriage isn't fun, but you know what I mean. Like your the singleness you didn't get before, like letting you walk all that out and have your fun and preparing you for your husband that's coming.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I I think that that's important um for you to I I mean, I don't know if it's just maybe it's because of me being married so young, and maybe it's not fair, but I'm not a big supporter of people who want to get married like super young because I feel like you don't completely know yourself. Yeah. And we probably kind of need to think like, do I want to go to school, do I want to travel, do I want to do this? Because marriage is a um, I don't think that I hate that it gets such a bad rap, you know, in these days because people get publicly divorced and stuff like that. And it's like that's why I want to get married. That's why I'm saying and God never intended marriage to be that. Um, but it is a, you know, it's not just about you. It's a daily sacrifice. You have to, yeah, you got you gotta check in every day, you know, and you gotta steward it well. And even, you know, there's times you just like I wanna hit you across the head with fry pan. You know, you just or a banking change. I don't know. You're just still gonna be like, this is my person. This do you gotta give me? Yes, and it's I bowed in front of God and a bunch of people that I can't stand that I was gonna love you till them do his part and sickness and help and all you know it happened if you're gonna be at the wedding. You'd be like, but yeah, I've seen it with my own album. Right. I've seen it with my own two albums. I've seen it so when it's come together, it's just like this is bad. Like, somebody needs to, we needed security. Yeah, we needed some security at this wedding. So um, but yeah, it's just I I definitely feel like me being, you know, married before, kind of getting an idea of what that looks like, and then evaluating myself. God definitely giving me another sense of self. And uh, because I definitely lost myself in my first marriage, just trying to be the person that I thought he needed me to be. I and so, you know, now having that that that confidence, kind of finding my voice and everything, I'm just kind of like, okay, yeah. You hear that? I can do it this time around.
SPEAKER_01But not if you're rickety and ratchety, okay? No, no, no, because I don't have a problem telling you.
SPEAKER_00Pass, pass, not this one, Lord. No, working with there's there's been a couple guys who tried to come at me and I'm just like, yeah, I know you ain't from the Lord. I know right off the bat you ain't from the Lord, because I know he's not gonna send me nobody who uh whose breath is making my uh nose hairs fall out.
SPEAKER_01He's gonna send me a man who knows how to put a mint mission.
SPEAKER_00Listen, presenting it so properly. Like some of these guys are just like, Lord, you gotta have some more in the back. These can't be all you got. Right. You gotta have to be inventory, right? These can't be. And then sometimes I see mine, and I'm just like, Lord, if you got any more in the back. That one right here. So yeah, that's that's how I got from A to B.
SPEAKER_01You're an overcomer, you know that, right? Yeah, own it because yeah, like God has done some and is going. I can't even wait like to see five years from now where you're gonna be. I know you can't think about it, but like it's so cool to just like I mean, this has only been, you said you're going on six years. Look at all that God has done, like it's just crazy.
The Book Title And Final Hope
SPEAKER_01So your book, yeah, is it a thing right now? Can people get it?
SPEAKER_00They well, I have to kind of repackage it okay and um republish it because the publishing company that I was with, they weren't doing their job. So I had to pull it and then kind of wait for my contract to be up. So I'm in the process of I'm actually updating it because when I first wrote it, it it stopped right when I moved to see the rapid. Oh, I get to like put all this in. Mm-hmm. All the traveling and all that. Yeah, and so um I added all of that and added some chapters to it and kind of brushed it up a little bit. So now I'm in the process of getting ready to republish it. Do you have a date? Soon I do not. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Well, when it happens, we'll post it around because everybody what's the name of it?
SPEAKER_00It's called Somebody Has to Tell My Story, and I will tell you where that title came from.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00So um, my husband being significantly older than me, he was uh 17 years older than me. He actually, the life insurance policy that he wound up giving away, he had given me that life insurance policy and told me what to do with it, how to split it up between the kids, how to invest it, all the things. And he would tell me like what he wanted done as far as like his final wishes or something happened to him. And I I never wanted to talk about it. Like, why do we have to have this conversation right now? Like, I'm be so devastated if something happens to you, like I probably won't be able to function, yada yada yada. He used to be like, no, like you're gonna have to pull yourself together, you're gonna have to do this, you're gonna have to do that. Because when I'm gone, somebody has to tell my story. Oof. And so when I was thinking about a title for the book, it was like it just kind of yeah, it just kind of came to me. It's like somebody has to tell my story, and I'm like, I'm pretty sure. Because in the introduction I have in there, it's like I'm pretty sure this is not the story that he wanted me to tell, but this is the story that he left me with.
SPEAKER_01Ooh, baby goosebumps. So yeah, you better tell us when that book. I will. So everybody can read it. Well, thank you for sitting in the chair today. Yes, thank you for having me. Yes, this is so good, and I know that there are going to be many people impacted by your story, not just through this, but as future goes, you're gonna be traveling the world telling your story.
SPEAKER_00Well, as that's what the Lord wants, and that's what he wants.
SPEAKER_01Well, I can do that.
SPEAKER_00I could definitely do that. There is hope there. There's hope. Claim to Jesus. He can get you through anything. Yes, he can. Clearly. Clearly.
SPEAKER_01You'll be better for it on the other side, I promise you. Well, thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Walking It Out, and we'll see you next week. Bye.