“The time a donor kissed me in front of his wife…”

It was an uncomfortable moment that taught Krista a lot about how she wanted to show up as a nonprofit professional. 

She shares how she reacted in the moment, how it shifted her career, and what she believes people need to do more often to help avoid or mange uncomfortable situations in fundraising.

Connect with and learn from Krista 👉 https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristafberry/

✍️ Got your own story to tell? Submit a diary entry to be featured on the podcast 👉 https://bit.ly/4tXt0d6

🩷 Connect with our community on LinkedIn 👉 https://www.linkedin.com/company/nonprofit-diaries/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Hello friends, welcome back to the Nonprofit Diaries where we share the stories that don't make the newsletter. I'm your host, Kimberly Bottom, and our guest for this episode has dedicated herself to serving nonprofits. First, through direct work at nonprofits as a fundraiser, executive director, and organizational development advisor. Now she expands that experience into education as an adjunct professor, curriculum designer, and a trainer. So just basically a woman who's done the work and then actively shares her learnings. I actually met Krista last year at Cause Camp in Pittsburgh. She joined our Cause Camp Coffee Club, where we got together every morning before the conference and just started the day connecting, sharing what we were learning. The minute Krista steps into the coffee shop, the electricity just like kicked up a notch. She is this presence that you can feel when she's in a room because her heart is immediately visible to everyone she engages with. And the icing on the cake, as you're about to see, she has a fierce sense of fashion and style and an incredible sense of humor. Nonprofit Diaries Family, please welcome Krista Berry. Krista, so pumped to have you here.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Aw, thanks for having me. Yeah, I decided to wear all of my hearts today.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

I just the love, I'm feeling the love. I love how it's like you can feel her heart the minute she steps in the room and you just manifesting this. I know.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

I was like, when you said that, I was like, well, glad I wore all of them. I know.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Oh my gosh, that's so funny. We did not plan this, everyone. We did not plan this. No, we did not. No. I love that. Well, thank you for being here. I am so excited to share your story. I want to set the stage for your diary entry with a caveat for our audience. So, for everyone listening, when I prep to record these podcasts, I usually know the main beats of the story that each guest plans to tell. But this time, Krista shared one sentence with me before I told her, Stop, stop, stop, stop. That's such a juicy teaser. I don't even want to know what happens next. The only thing I know is that Krista once had a donor kiss her at a gala in front of his wife. Krista. Set this story. I mean, we told this story. Welcome stage for us. Okay, first of all, how were you involved in this, Gala?

SPEAKER_01 2:14

Oh my gosh. Um, I was a guest. I was running uh a national program at the time. And so there was a lot of interaction with different high-level donors. I don't even actually think this donor was my specific donor. They weren't donating to where I was working at the time, but they were certainly an important donor in our community. Everyone knows this donor and their family, and we were stewarding them for involvement in our program for sure. So I was just a guest, really. So I am kind of like, oh my gosh, Kev, I'm like, as I'm telling this, like I've literally never told this to anyone. This is the same space, I promise. I'm having my own, but you know what? When you started this, I was like, this is actually exactly what we need is a space like this where we can kind of share these experiences because it really brings us all together. So I appreciate this space. Yes. Um, but there I was just making my rounds, saying hello to everyone, um, as a fundraiser and someone leading a program that is always, you know, building relationships and stewarding new relationships. I had a few donors in mind that I wanted to make sure to see, and and this gentleman was one of them. And I walked over as we all do at every normal situation and kind of went in to say hello. And he stood up and kissed me.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

So you didn't even like say hi, I'm Krista yet.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

And it just happened. He knew of me. We had seen each other in other spaces. Okay. Um I mean, the his entire table was there. This is a VI VIP table right in front of a large, you know, stage. This is a maybe 700-person gala. In the evening, we're all dressed up. I honestly I'm still like processing it out loud because he told the story before.

unknown 4:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

But I don't, I mean, it was not intentional on his part at all. It was just a weird moment. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Gotcha. If we're like you go in for a hug and the other person doesn't really know what's going on. And so I think that's okay. So sort of a maybe a miscommunication. I have to ask the question tell me if I'm being crude, where did it land? Was it a peck on the cheek? Was it a direct hit?

SPEAKER_01 4:28

What no, it was definitely it's almost embarrassing to like say it, but it was like definitely on my lips.

unknown 4:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

It wasn't it was the peck. So the the moment happens, and you're like one of those social moments where sometimes I think we've I've never had this one where I've instigated. I've certainly received it, but I've had those awkward social moments sometimes where you're like, that was weird. This was super weird because of course his wife was sitting right there. His entire table was there. All of the team that I was with, including very important people that I worked with, you know, surrounding me and around me. Um and I I just pretended it didn't happen, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Okay, so you just kind of moved on. I wasn't sure if like conversation just stopped and everybody stared. Like, tell me after after all things forward.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

I credit this to my uh bachelor's degree in theater in all of the acting classes. So shout out to my alma mater for for my undergrad. All those improv lessons, all those improv moments. Um, it was super uncomfortable for me that like to this day I was like thinking about this when I talked to you about it and we mentioned it. I'm like, like, I know I didn't make it up, but like you put it in like a place in your memory that like just isn't really real. Oh, you have to come because mentalize it or it's you can't mentalize. That's exactly it. It's so awkward. And luckily, the people that I worked with were kind of like behind me. I'll never forget it though, but I remember like seeing his wife like right here, and I just smiled and I gave him a hug and I had a nice conversation, and I'm like, great to see you. Thanks for all that you do. And I walked away, and I've this is my first time ever sharing that with anyone. Why am I saying this now? What's the point of sharing this now? And like the truth is that weird situations like this where like ethics are involved and/or like behavior is involved, is something that we have to think about and work on um and kind of approach in our work as fundraisers and doing our work all the time.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Yeah. Okay, so two questions for you. First question: if you had the ability to now see where this went, would you have reacted differently than you did? Would you have said something or like would you know now Krista tell then Krista something different?

SPEAKER_01 6:48

Yeah, no, it's such a good question. And I've been thinking about it too. I'm older now, um, and I've had more experiences, and I think I'm more confident in maybe asserting and kind of saying, like acknowledging what happened and saying something about it. Yeah. Um at least to him in the moment, um, and at least acknowledging like something that, you know, oops, that, you know, that was a mistake. Yeah. Um, I will say also that the environments that we work in and and kind of thinking about do where, you know, what the culture of the environment that you're working in and how supportive that is for you in these moments is also something to reflect on. And I think that's where all these years later, I think I'm more comfortable sharing and talking about it because I think to your point, like I love sharing knowledge for this, you know, sector. It's something that I love. And I think it's important to think through what environments you want to be working in and are they gonna be supportive of you? Are they gonna have your back? Are they gonna believe you if something like this did kind of come up in a different way? Yeah. Um, maybe someone did see it, and what if that story came back to my boss, right? Right. What if those kind of scenarios had happened? And and so I think that's the other thing is I think in a different time now, I would address it also with my boss and my supervisor because I'd want to make sure that my story was kind of up front and that there weren't any misperceptions. Perception is so key in the work that we do and especially in building relationships. So, like the facts and the details aren't sometimes, you know, as important as like what people see and managing those perceptions um builds trust, but also culture.

SPEAKER_00 8:31

It does. Because correct me if I'm wrong, he didn't say, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, or anything like that, right? So in that moment, even though again, it wasn't maybe a malicious intent, we have to cultivate an environment where like someone immediately knows, oh, that's not okay. Even if it was a mistake, let's just call it out and say, like, oh gosh, that was, you know, awkward moment. So sorry that I put you through that. And until I think we start saying those things, it's just gonna continue. I just like the other day was working with um, you know, a vendor and they kept calling me honey. And I'm like, I need to, I need to say something. Should I say and I chickened out, I'm gonna admit that right here. Is that right? You know, to keep the relationship positive and professional. I'm like, okay, fine. Like, I'll just brush off the casual misogyny in this conversation. But I feel like it's it is so important to stand up. But to your point, you don't want to monopolize or you know, the the outcome, right? So what what was the outcome with that donor? Did you end up working together?

SPEAKER_01 9:33

I saw him in a few other things, but no, um, I didn't end up specifically working together. And um, I don't think it was because of that incident. I think it was just like project-based changed. But, you know, I go back to that, like, you know, Krista, and I'm like, did it affect my confidence a little in those scenarios? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. 100% it did. That's so repoison your mind, right? Myself off of that project when that could have been an amazing, you know, opportunity to steward that donor. Or, you know what I mean? We do those things sometimes, even like not like being aware that we're doing those things to ourselves. Um, because those scenarios can really kind of like shift our um, whatever that is, it's comfort with ourselves. It's comfort with ourselves. Like, even if it wasn't malicious to your point or intentional, it still did something to me, right? Like I was still at work having to experience something awkward like that. And here I am, how many years later? Still like, should I tell anyone? Yeah. And the reason that I appreciate this that you're doing it and wanting to share is because I think what it did do, which I'm proud of, is it shifted kind of my career and being like, I really want to facilitate conversations with fundraisers and nonprofit leaders so that we, as you know, peers in kind of shared safe spaces can have some of these difficult conversations and think through what we might do to prevent awkward scenarios. And this is not the only one. There's a lot out there, and I know I'm not alone in that. Um, and so it's more like how do we think through together how to take care of ourselves in in these scenarios?

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Yeah, exactly. I mean, the the whole purpose of starting this podcast was to relate, right? That's the first thing is just to somebody listen and go, oh my gosh, okay, I'm not the only one that, you know, has dealt with X, Y, and Z, whatever that may be. But I really feel like it will also facilitate maybe a change, uh, you know, a course of actions for someone who hears this. Because I've started to see more and more women especially saying, I finally said something and the world didn't end. Right. You know? So maybe if your story will give someone the courage to go, all right, if the next time I don't feel right about something, I'm not gonna just stay silent. That's powerful. And I'm really like I'm thankful for you, Krista. I'm proud of you for sharing this with us. This is not, you know, is it a good story where we can all kind of kind of collectively gasp and go, oh my gosh, did that really happen? Yes, but deeper than that, this is really you kind of reliving a little bit of trauma from your past for the benefit of other people to let them know that you don't have to go through it in the same way.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Thanks for saying that. And I think like I also like to be like, okay, so what else would you recommend? It's also made me think that like practicing being in person is actually really important. And we forget that like if we don't practice those skills, it can put us in more awkward social scenarios. And I say that because, you know, we know AI and technology is here, and there's ways that like our life can be streamlined and and made more efficient with all of these solutions, but I don't want it to stop us from like actually practicing human interactions.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Exactly. It and it's so easy now not to practice in person, talking on Zoom, right? Working from home, all of these things. But you're right, the the human element of nonprofit work, particularly in fundraising, is a skill. It is a muscle that you have to work in order for it to work well. So I'm just I'm just so thankful that you continued to work on it. And you know, sometimes those things that don't seem like a big tail to other people can really change the course for the better or for the worse. I feel like it changed yours for the better. And I'm I'm so grateful for like the personality that you are now. I know every experience has shaped you. So keep showing up as you because I'm inspired by you and I'm appreciative of you sharing your experiences with us. For everybody out there that's listening that has a story to tell. Again, the purpose of this podcast is to just collectively sigh together, right? Or breathe together, or laugh together, or cry together. So I I want you to to come and feel like you can participate and this be a safe space for you, and we can tell your story in whatever way is best for you. Keep the pieces that um are very deep for you and share the pieces that you feel like will make an impact for everyone else. So if you have any desire in doing that, there is a link in the description where you can fill out a form to be on the podcast. We'd love to have you. And this is your reminder to hydrate, to practice that self care and to connect with each other, which is what I hope we're doing here. So, Krista, thank you for joining us. Podcast listeners, thank you for joining us. We will see you all next time.