Intrusive thought: "God is punishing me"

This episode of Out Loud, Renewed gently walks through the intrusive thought, “God is punishing me for sinning,” and brings it into the light of Scripture. Using Romans 8:1, Romans 8:32, and 1 John 1:9, Stephanie shares honestly about moments of guilt, closed doors, and discouragement, then reflects on how Jesus’ sacrifice removes condemnation and reveals God’s discipline as love, not revenge. Listeners are guided through a simple renewal practice—naming the thought, speaking truth out loud, and resting in the reality that in Christ they are forgiven, cleansed, and treated as beloved children rather than guilty enemies.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Out Loud Renewed. It's your greatest Stephanie, and this podcast is for those of us who love Jesus and still wrestle with those loud thoughts, anxiety, and those quiet lives that follow us into the day. We rely on 2 Corinthians 10 5, casting down imagination and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. In each episode, we'll take one intrusive thought, name it honestly, no sugarcoating, and walk it through the Word of God together. We'll slow down, breathe, and practice actually saying truth out loud so our minds can be renewed in his presence. My prayer is that this becomes a gentle space where you don't have to perform, you just get to be honest before God and let his word sit louder than what you feel. Welcome to Out Loud Renewed, a gentle space to renew your mind in God's presence. Here we slow down, notice our thoughts, and learn to lift the word of God above what we feel. Take a deep breath, y'all, and settle in and let's lean into him together. Today we are bringing to God this thought. God is punishing me. To name it honestly, this all shows up for me when I fall short or I make a mistake. Now for some context, I come from a background where I was originally or initially Catholic and I just grew up thinking that God was a, I don't want to say tyrant father, but someone that would punish me right after. I don't know if it's if my interpretation got lost in the concept of confession or I have no idea. I can't really pinpoint, but I'm just giving you guys some context in terms of why I may be perceiving God in this way. But let me keep going. I think with that experience, I've trained my brain to scan for whatever goes wrong so I can say it's because God is punishing me. I also have this thought when doors closed that I thought were meant to be somewhere I was supposed to be. I'm like, God, didn't you place me here? Didn't you open this door? And it happens when I get sick or tired or when something I've prayed for for years still hasn't come through. It shows up after I consciously sin. When I mean by consciously sin, I have a kind of intuitive awareness that I may be doing something wrong, which is probably that conviction that I'm not listening to sometimes. And then right after a hard season follows, it feels like an instant answer, like my mind quickly jumps to, of course, this is my punishment. It also shows up when I compare my life to other people's lives and think if I were doing better, God will probably treat me better. Like Tina and Mary. FYI, Tina and Mary are not real people. I'm just landing the plane. Well, so for some more context, a series of events happened these last couple of months, I would say, that had me wondering, God, did I open the door or is this happening because I fell short? I called my spiritual mentor and left all voice note again, letting my circumstance shape my perspective of God and thinking, why am I still having trouble walking straight and wobbling as if I were tipsy? If you get my drift. There I go again, having a moment, letting my feelings want to take the driver's seat. My sister reminded me that, you know, I gotta remember who I am and not being moved by my circumstances. You're probably thinking, well, Steph, you already know this. But sometimes, as I previously mentioned, I need that reminder and I need my sisters to stand in that gap. I would say those moments aren't that long though, but they still happen. Now, a couple of weeks ago, I went to a new church, um, and this pastor mentioned this perfect analogy that stuck with me. He was referring to the story in scripture about Jesus cleaning the disciples' feet, John 13, 8 through 10, I believe. I hope I don't butcher it though. Um, so don't hold me to it. But I understood it to be that as the disciples were saying, clean my whole body, because of his reference of saying, if I don't clean you, you cannot come to me. He was just saying, I need to clean your feet. The pastor interpreted it to note that symbolically believers are already clean, right? They've already taken that bath. But because we are still in this flesh, we will continue to come in and out and fall short, which symbolizes those dirty feet. Now, Jesus was always aware that we may come in and out of the house with dirty feet, which is why he came for us and shed his blood. The point is that he wants us to keep coming home. And because he shed his blood, our feet will always be washed once we accept him. I would say go watch his sermon. Um, it's from Calvary Life, um, somewhere in Cardina or Torrance, one of those cities. I would say, watch it and hear it for yourself. I hope I'm, you know, getting the message right. Nevertheless, I want to say we never quite make it, right? We are never perfected until we see God again, until Jesus comes and get us. And as long as we are in this flesh, we are going to have our moments. But as I said before, as long as we don't stay there and remember who we are, we have the time and choice to make a different decision. So this thought makes me feel anxious and my body starts to feel tired. I then start feeling like discouraged and start convincing myself that I am bad or I'm like God is gonna punish me. And it sounds convincing because, like I said, a few practical things started happening or started falling through in the last few months. And my mind immediately goes to, this must be God letting me really feel the weight of my choices. This is discipline, this is actual punishment. And I even found myself backing away from prayer, afraid that if I asked for anything, I'd just hear silence, like confirmation that I'm being punished, and there you go, a cascade of stress hormones just going up. Oh God, I surely need to repent because as we all will see, God is so faithful. Now let's bring this to the word. Romans eight one says, There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans eight thirty two says, He who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? One John one nine says, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I want to say those again differently and let them land. Once again, you've said yes to Jesus, you don't need to feel condemned, he's already put that on the cross. How can we ever doubt God if he showed us the biggest gesture of love by allowing his son to take our place? Many see that as harsh, but it's the greatest sacrifice one can give. And Jesus accepted it because he knew we needed that atonement and because he loved us. And lastly, how merciful is he to even give us the opportunity to come to him. He wants us to come back to him, and the cross allowed that access. Importantly, he wants a relationship with us. Jesus' blood gave us that privilege to be cleansed. Now these verses tell me something about God, or in other words, Jesus. And I'll give you guys a little minute to see what it tells you. Now these verses tell me that Jesus absorbed the full punishment for our sins on the cross. There's no leftover condemnation waiting for us. And any discipline God brings is not to crush us, but to shape us, to draw us closer to his holiness and his heart. Now, these verses also tell me something about my mind and identity. They tell me that I am not just a case that God is trying to figure out and being harsh with. Now, one simple sentence I want us to hold on to is this God is not punishing us or me. In Christ, I'm not condemned. And any discipline in my life is from love, not vengeance. Now let's take this through a little pattern together. The thought says, God is punishing me. God's word says, There's no condemnation for me in Christ, and he disciplines those he loves for their good. So I choose to believe my father is not treating me like a guilty enemy. He is treating me like a beloved child, forming me and leading me through this. Now take a slow breath in and out, and think of your own version of this thought. Maybe it's about your health or your emotions or your relationships or your finances. Just notice it. Don't shame yourself for it. Just name it. Now repeat after me, out loud or in a whisper, Jesus, you took my punishment. I am not condemned. My father's not punishing me. He is loving me, correcting me, and leading me through this. One more time, a little shorter. I am forgiven, loved, and cleansed. Alright, family. We just named that thought. We spoke God's truth over it. And we chose to agree with him. Now let's take a sacred pause. This ain't just quiet time. This is holy ground where God meets us. Get comfortable where you are. Put one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly. Feel them rise and fall together as you breathe. Now picture Jesus right there with you. Not in a rush, not in a hurry, just present. Let those scriptures we just read sink deep into your soul. Let it wash over the places those thoughts was trying to grip. And just be no striving, no fixing. Just you and him. Whatever God showed you in that pause, hold it close. Now for the scriptur application in a more deeper sense. Uh again, y'all, I am not a master at this. I'm still getting the flow of studying the scriptures and may still be in a surface level, but I'm still I'm learning. So give me some grace. But I might repeat some things from the previous podcast since we're still in the book of Romans. So in the book of Romans, we see cultural and theological conflict, pressure and tension. And as I previously mentioned in the last podcast, Paul writes to remind both Jews and Gentiles of what the cross represented, and that they're both justified by faith. He starts this beautiful chapter by affirming our inheritance and access with a powerful reminder that we are no longer bound but free from the Father's wrath. This tells me in reference to Romans 8.1 that we don't need to feel guilty anymore. And that he's reminding us that this whole gesture of love that Jesus bore was the intent to bring us back to the Father. And as well as in Romans 8 32, he shows us the Father's love for us. Imagine sacrificing something you dearly love. I don't think any parent or person can fathom that. So we can only begin to imagine. First John is written by the beloved disciple, the one scripture describes as the one whom Jesus loved, not to say he didn't love the rest, but more so as a beautiful anecdote of their closeness. It makes Jesus feel more human to know that he cared deeply for his followers, including us. So this book was written to continue the mission and reassure believers that Jesus' sacrifice was not in vain, and we are secured in him despite religious implications that disprove of Jesus' deity or try to rob believers of the awareness of their need for God. Again, something we are seeing an increase of nowadays. Believers are professing Jesus Christ as their savior, but not their Lord. And I'm even guilty of that. And I pray every day for his guidance and forgiveness. But though we specifically see in 1 John how merciful he is, he makes a clear promise that although sin is his own punishment, he forgives us and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. This doesn't say that he won't allow us to go through the consequences of our choices and live out the impact of them, but more that he is so loving to be with us in it. That means a lot because even with that, a holy God is carrying us. And God sees the bigger picture, y'all. And I do believe that sometimes because he's so faithful and so kind with certain sin, he is capable and has lightened the load and removed a little bit of the heaviness to the impact. And I know that to be true because he's done that for me so many times. I've noticed his mercy so much that I can't deny how gentle and forgiving he's been to me. God is not getting even with us, y'all. Even though he may not change my situation, his love has changed the way I see his heart. So one lesson I'm learning is that he is not forcing himself on me, but allowing my choices to play out. And because of that, I can actually move towards him in trust, even when I still feel the weight of the discipline. Now I'd like to pray for you guys. You can close your eyes, go back to that spot we were at just a couple of minutes ago, and just receive. Father, thank you that in Jesus there is no condemnation left for us. Where we believe that you are punishing us for our sins or our choices, would you renew our mind and soften our hearts? Show us the difference between your loving discipline and the lies of shame. Lead us out of fear and into the freedom of knowing that you are our Father and that you love us. In Jesus' name. Amen. Family, if God uses word to shift something in you today, hit that subscribe or follow button right now so you don't miss the next time we come together like this. It takes two seconds and it helps get this truth to somebody else who needs it. And real quick, if you're on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening, leave us a quick review. Just tap those thoughts and say what God is doing through the space. Your words help somebody else find their way here when they need renewal the most. Most importantly, share this episode with that one person, your sister, your cousin, your prayer partner who's been carrying the same heavy thought. Be God's megaphone for somebody else today. We'll see you right back here next time as we renew our minds together.