GOLDA Girls

Jewish Mother's Day with Jill Kargman

• GOLDA Media • Episode 2

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 46:33

Stephanie Butnick, founder of GOLDA and former host of the hit podcast Unorthodox, brings together an all-star group of Jewish women to discuss culture, identity, and the everyday moments shaping our modern Jewish lives. 

This week, Stephanie and her co-hosts, journalist Gabby Deutch, Rabbi Diana Fersko, and novelist Esther Chehebar, discuss Jewish Mother’s Day, bageling, and more. Influenced writer and star Jill Kargman joins the show to tackle an “Ask GOLDA” listener question about banning phones at bat mitzvahs. 

GOLDA Girls is presented by Nu Reads, a new Jewish book subscription series curated by the Jewish Book Council that brings remarkable literature straight to your door. Use code NuGolda at checkout for 15% off. Visit NuReads.org to get started today.

This episode is also sponsored by Joyva, a fourth generation family business that crafts tahini, halvah and confections in Brooklyn, NY. Get your Joyva deliciousness today.

GOLDA Girls is a production of GOLDA Media. Our executive producer is Ariel Shapiro. Edited by POLDHU. 

Subscribe to GOLDA’s newsletter at www.goldaguide.com and follow GOLDA on Instagram at @goldaguide.

You can listen to GOLDA Girls on:

Please consider leaving us a rating or review. 

Stay GOLDA! 

SPEAKER_02

Before we get to today's show, I want to tell you about our presenting sponsor. Newreads is a Jewish book subscription service that brings remarkable literature straight to your door. Curated by the Jewish Book Council, this collection features some of my favorite authors like Allegra Goodman, Sam Sossman, and more. A subscription to New Reads makes a perfect Mother's Day gift for the mother, wife, and or special person in your life. With New Reads, she won't just be getting books. She's getting access to exclusive experiences with authors and a community built on a shared passion for Jewish storytelling. New Reads is offering Golda Girls listeners 15% off their subscription. Just use the code NUGOLDA at checkout. Visit NewReads.org. That's n-u-r-e-a-d-s.org to get started today and use code NUGOLDA, N-U-G-O-L-D-A with it. Golda Gang, we're back with episode two of GoldaGirls, the podcast for Jewish women with a lot to say. I'm Stephanie Butnik, the founder of the Jewish lifestyle site Golda, and I'm here with my brilliant co-hosts, three of the smartest, most thoughtful Jewish women I know. And I've decided I'm gonna introduce you guys in different orders every week, so I wanna like keep you on your toes. First up, we have Diana Firskgo, the senior rabbi of the village temple in Manhattan. Focarto of girls. And Esther Shahebar, author of the novel Sisters of Fortune.

SPEAKER_04

Hello, happy to be here.

SPEAKER_02

And Gabby Deutsch, the senior national correspondent at Jewish Insider. Good morning, everyone. I'm still recovering from my Kosher Steakhouse dinner last night. Later on in the episode, we'll be joined by special guest Jill Cargman, the writer and actress starring in Influenced, opening this weekend in New York City and coming to select cities around the country soon. Golder Girls tackles everything from the headlines dominating our feeds to the dramas lighting up our group chats. We're talking community, identity, culture, and the everyday moments shaping our modern Jewish lives. And based on everything I've heard so far since our first episode went live just a few days ago on Friday, the people are loving it. I can say that because I've heard that directly from the people. What's like some of the best feedback that you guys have heard?

SPEAKER_04

Um, I don't know if this is the best feedback, but one piece of feedback that I particularly like was from my husband, actually, who had this to say about me. He was like, I was surprised at how thoughtful you were with choosing your words kind of. Thanks. Um so that was fun, and my dad absolutely loved it. So yay for that.

SPEAKER_03

I have to say, um, yesterday I was at a professional conference with lots of um, you know, high-level leaders from the Jewish world and philanthropists and um people like that. And I couldn't believe how many people um came up to me and said, like, congratulations on the podcast, and this is amazing, and even quoted some of the things we said, like in the actual conference. So um it's like super complimentary, but to be perfectly honest, like it makes me a little nervous now because I'm like, oh they're listening. The people are listening. Like Stephanie Butnik, what did you do?

SPEAKER_01

Well, I'll I'll add it from another very unbiased source, which is um also my my father. Um listened to the podcast, loved it. He told me his piece of advice, and I'm just gonna say this for all the men listening. We hope there's lots of you. Um, he thinks that we should be for Jewish women and everyone who loves them, because he wants the world to know that men should also be listening to Golden Girls. So, men, there is your permission. Totally.

SPEAKER_02

I think it's funny. I did hear that from a few guys being like, you know, I liked it too. And I was like, you are welcome to listen. We welcome all. We are we're the Golden Girls, but like, yes, you're right, everyone, this is like a conversation for everyone. But I think it's so nice that we're like, to use an annoying phrase, centering women's voices and like these conversations. So each week on the show, we're gonna start talking about the things we can't stop thinking about. Then we're gonna be answering listener questions in our Ask Golda segment, and we'll have Jill Cardman around to help us out with that. And then we end the show on a sweet note with Good for the Jews, uh, which I have to say is kind of my favorite segment already. Um, it's highlighting the bright spots in Jewish life right now. So let's get started. What's on our minds this week? Diana?

SPEAKER_03

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about Mother's Day, um, which is coming up this weekend. And I was thinking a little bit about some of like the stereotypes of a Jewish mom and sort of like the caricatures that we hear, um, none of which are really like positive. You know, a lot of them are like overbearing and suffocating, and you know, no one's good enough to marry my son, and um, not particularly attractive. So I just wanted to take this moment and ask my beloved co-hosts, like, what do you actually think the qualities of a Jewish mother are? And feel free to draw from personal experience.

SPEAKER_01

Diana, you're totally right about all of the stereotypes. But at the same time, I'll ask the group like, how many of the four of us here are obsessed with our moms? I certainly am. So uh I think we we have that, and also the stereotypes are not great. Um it's interesting, I guess, to think about how that came to be. But also that stereotype is in some ways we we see it because we're Jews, we hear it among the Jews. There's like a little bit of that stereotype in so many different religious and ethnic minorities of like the overbearing mom. And so I guess we're in good company, although, you know, candidly I'm I'm a biased source, but um Jewish moms I think are the best.

SPEAKER_04

I actually don't think my mother was overbearing growing up at all. I think on the contrary, she was involved in her own life. As I've gotten older and then have had kids of my own, my mom has become more involved in in my life, right, as a grandmother. And we actually call Mother's Day Grandmother's Day in my house. Very happy that my my own grandmother is still with us. And so every year, all of her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren congregate around her and celebrate her, and see we see this like physical manifestation of her legacy, right? We have this saying in Syrian culture, and it's safe, and it just means basically a woman who like imbues her home with like Syrian Sephardic spirit. That means if someone walks into your home, you have kaak or some cookies on the table, and you sort of create this like very welcoming environment within like the Sephardic tradition and thinking about how I can do that in my own home. So I've been doing my own reframing around it and my own thinking about the metamorphosis of Mother's Day in my in my own life.

SPEAKER_02

I also feel like once I became a mother, I just had such a newfound respect for my own mother. I was like, wait, you did this? It's just connected me with my own mother in such a profound way, where I was like, how did you deal with this? I just remember her always being super on top of everything, super put together. And I just now I understand like a little bit about the what goes on behind the scenes to get like that, right? To always have us going, and I really appreciate it now, and I think it's really special. And even my mother's mother lives in Boca, and we always love to see her, and it's like that she gets to meet my kids, and that we're on the photos, they see the pictures of her every day on the photo stream, and we're so connected in a way that I think is entirely new, and there's it's fostered by technology in a in a really nice way that we can FaceTime my kids' great-grandparents is incredible. And I think, particularly in a Jewish context, it's very significant, right? To see, as you say, Esther, like all the generations of your family together. This is like a visual manifestation of all of the things that we've been through and we're here today, and I think that it's really special. I also want to say that I know a lot of mothers of young boys, like my preschool mom friends, and they're like, of course, no one will ever be good enough for my son. Like, like we sort of like almost are embracing that, and you can say it about a three-year-old who is like the cutest little three-year-old in the world, of course, but I kind of get it. Like, I you put so much into raising these kids. You're like, I guess I should be in charge of all the decisions they make and everything that happens to them and who they end up with. Like, I should be in the room for all of that. Well, not all of it, but most of it.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, I think, I think the concept you hit on something, the concept of like a Jewish mother-in-law takes on, like Diana said, sometimes that can connote some some negative stereotypes. Like, not only do you have this like overbearing, um, protective Jewish mom, but now you have the added layer of having an overprotective, um, overbearing Jewish mother-in-law, who, even though you are married, and I just like to say, this is not the case for me, so let's just kosher it there. Um, but even though you've married their son and are now presumably starting your own lives together, you still have to deal with, you know, your mother-in-law, and and and that the umbilical cord is still like attached, so to speak. So, um, but like Stephanie said, I get it. You know, as I am a mother of two boys, and like I'm totally, I mean, you know, I have days where I'm like, just take them, please, and you know, you have a pulse and great, like, where do I sign? Um, but then there are days where you look at them and you're like, yeah, like exact I've poured my heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into these children, and um it's gonna be hard to let that go.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna share a related Mother's Day celebration that we had in my family growing up. My mom has amazing girlfriends, and they were basically other mothers to me in Boca. And that was for me such a huge part of growing up, and um I'm going actually this weekend to New Orleans for my my closest childhood friend's wedding, and her mom, and I'll I'll give a shout out to Sharon. We grew up doing everything together, and we actually started a holiday that our families would celebrate every year on March 14th, Pi Day, because we would go to like Denny's or some diner in the area and have pie together, and we would call it Other Mother's Day. And so we would celebrate each other. And but just to give a shout out to all of the women who raised us, that's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_03

You know, I I was thinking a lot about um like my own mom this week, and yes, she's like the son to me, and I was thinking about some of the things she's given me, and one of the things is like pure love for Judaism, just like total joy when it comes to Judaism. My mom would always make latkas for Thanksgiving because she thought Thanksgiving was like a preview of Hanukkah, that's how she's amazing. Like in my house, we had Arev birthday because what could be more of a Jewish holiday than like a birthday? So, of course, it started like the night before.

SPEAKER_02

You know, that was like the original birthday.

SPEAKER_03

She was like, I mean, she had like a song for every Jewish moment. She can chant Torah, she's Jewishly knowledgeable, you know, it's like on and on and on. And I just think about that gift she gave me and how it's like changed my life. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I like I want to give the same thing to my children. Let's let's see if I can. Um, so that's one thing. And then the other thing is like, I was thinking about the models, the real life models that we have right now in public of Jewish Motherhood. And I was thinking about the mom in Nobody Wants This.

SPEAKER_02

Um Bina Artova Feldcha. She's amazing.

SPEAKER_03

And that's that's one sort of like it's almost a cartoonish image. One extreme it's a cartoonish image. But then I was thinking, uh and I don't want to like bring the mood down here, but I also want to like recognize the real world. I was thinking about Rachel Goldberg Poland, and you know, she's the mother of Hirsch who was murdered by Hamas, and um how she's really taken front and center stage, not just in the Jewish world, but in our country in many ways, and in the world. I mean, she's met with the Pope, for goodness sake. Um and how she's emerged as sort of this like fierce, um loving, you know, lion, sort of protective feeling mother figure. And how that's just very powerful to me as an image.

SPEAKER_02

You know, I think of it, you know, like that meme of mother, like that's a thing like Gen Z says, like you, like Anne Hathaway is mother, but like actually Rachel Goldberg-Pullen is mother in the in the original sense, right? Of someone you see her and you just see you see her pain, you see her her strength, and you she is mother, right? And I think that there is something so profound. And and even thinking about what it means to be a Jewish mother in this moment, right? For all fraught and challenging and but also inspiring. And so I think that there's like there's so much, and I I love the idea of shifting away from like the nagging mom stereotype to actually like the the kind of like badass amazingness of Jewish mothers, Jewish women in this moment is really important. I feel like that's what we should be celebrating this weekend.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, and you alluded to it, stuff with your own family. Like there's incredible joy with being a Jewish mother, and there's also like a heaviness, a seriousness to the to the moment. And I just I think we're here for it all.

SPEAKER_02

And I think, Gabby, I love what you're saying about Other Mother's Day because I think that, you know, so many of us out there are Mother's Day is a challenging day, right? You've you've lost a parent, you've you've you there's so many ways in which or your relationship with your parents are, you know, I think Mother's Day, Father's Day, these are difficult days for a lot of people, and I want to recognize that. But, you know, even what you said with Other Mother's Day, Gabby, we can celebrate all the women who who raised us and and the ways in which we are now contributing to that, whether that's as an aunt or as a friend, uh, or you know, as a mentor, I think that there's just just celebrating the Jewish woman in this moment on this day is is incredibly powerful. So let's take all of it, right? The joy, the sadness, the strength, the challenge, and just the the amazingness of Jewish women. We'll take that with us this weekend and celebrate it. Gabby, you're coming to us from a hotel room. You've been on the road, what's going on with you?

SPEAKER_01

I've had uh a busy few weeks of work travel. There is something on my mind, frankly, I'm asking Golda. I'm coming to you guys for advice on a very difficult, very important question, which is when you're out in the world and you overhear someone saying something Jewish, what do you say? How do you talk to them? This happened to me yesterday. I'm at a conference right now in Los Angeles, and I heard these two women next to me talking about birthright, and I thought, I could talk about birthright. I went on birthright. How do I get in that conversation? Or the other day I was at a workout class, and the woman at the front desk answered the phone, oh, manish mah. And so I'm like, okay, what do I do here? Do I do I stick out the Star of David necklace and like try to make meaningful eye contact with her? These are our fellow members of the tribe. What's your pickup line? How are you making new things?

SPEAKER_02

This is this is great because okay, the technical term for trying to suss out if someone else is Jewish is I think it's it's called bageling. That's what it is. That's when you sort of say something like, oh, summer camp, this, that, you're trying to figure something out. But what there is no term for is what you're talking about, which is trying to tell someone else that you're part of the tribe. And I was actually, this happened to me yesterday leaving, walking home from my office. There were these two Israelis on the street, and I just was like, I love hearing Hebrew wherever I am. So I saw these guys walking on the street, they had their J. Crude shopping bags, they were very clearly tourists from Israel, and I just kind of like smiled at them, and they were like teenagers, and I was like walking along, and then I and then they were kind of like looking at me, and I was like, oh, I'm being weird.

SPEAKER_01

And it's like, oh no, I'm not I'm not being anti-Semitic.

SPEAKER_04

Like, I like that you're speaking Hebrew.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

First of all, I'm sure they would have loved to have been approached by you, Bethany. So just don't hesitate. Manish ma. Hey. Um I went on birthright. I think there are two sets of people who are experts at bageling, and it's young children and Jewish mothers. Like I think those two um groups of people, because you know what? It's a very unique balance of like innocence and shamelessness, right? So, like if you're walking, like when I walk, I'll walk with my young kids down the street, and immediately my seven-year-old son, if he hears someone speaking Hebrew, and my kids, my kids do speak Hebrew, so if they hear someone speaking Hebrew, they'll immediately like first they'll turn to me and very loudly say, Ma, is he Jewish? And then and then they'll like eventually just like stare at the person uncomfortably until they're forced to say something to my kids, you know, putting like my embarrassment aside. There's something really sweet about that. But then the other group of people are, of course, Jewish mothers and not to stereotype again, and I don't mean this in a negative way, but I have been in the presence of like so many Jewish moms who will hear, you know, strangers on the street discussing something very like overtly Jewish, or it's very obvious that they're members of the tribe, and they'll just jump in. Like, no shame, no embarrassment whatsoever. A lot of the time it's to set up a really amazing, sweet, pretty girl that they know, um, which I love, right? I think like the more she does we can have like going on, the the you know, the merrier the better. Um, and I and I envy that, right? I envy that ability to just like come out with it and um have this comfortability with with fellow members of the tribe. I think it's great.

SPEAKER_03

I feel a little called out, but only in the best possible way, Esther. Because I think I it was intentional. I mean, I think I am that shameless mom. Like I have no shame in my game. Like, if somebody is Jewish on the street, which again I live in New York, so that's a lot of people, I am like very like shalom energy, you know. I find a way, Gabby, to tell them. I'm like, I love your hamsa, you know, like I'm I'm flexing, like I know the word hamsa, and also like I'm Jew positive here.

SPEAKER_01

You say it with like that guttural. Right.

SPEAKER_03

Um, or like uh well, I can think of one exception to this, which is multiple times it has happened to me that people are speaking Hebrew in front of me about me. And I'm a stranger to them. And I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna like let this go on. And then at the end, you know, maybe I'll say something. Um, so that's like the one time where what are this? What are they saying? Yeah, what are they wearing? Like, I lived in a building where there are a lot of from people, so it's like maybe we can get this girl to push the button for us. Why don't we ask her this and that, you know? Something like that. And I'm like, okay, like Jews can have blonde hair, like this is known. Like, stop. Also, you do wear a very big star of David, a missile Yeah, yes, it's it's sort of hard to miss. Listen, I I I'm always wearing the Jewish jewelry, like for that purpose. Like nobody from Chabad ever stops me on the street and says, like, are you Jewish? you know, so like I have to compensate somehow. Um, but yeah, I'm not uh afraid to let someone know that I'm Jewish and that I love that they're Jewish too. And it's almost like a hobby of mine. So I say, like, bagel away, don't uh don't hesitate to you know flash them like whatever Jewish bat sign you have that day.

SPEAKER_01

You're definitely in the right guilty. Um I think Diana's Shalom energy may be our new goal to branding. Um I'm gonna share an example of what not of what not to do in this situation. Granted, I was a child, so it was a learning moment. I was figuring out bageling and how to do it. And when I was a kid, my family would go um with my grandparents and my cousins. We would go um on vacation to this town in in western New York near Buffalo called Chautauqua, and we would all stay in a house together on this really beautiful lake. And um, for the week that we were out there, my sister and I would go to this day camp for a week. And one time we we had a a friend there who was just very obviously to anyone who was older than like nine, which is what I must have been at the time, not Jewish. Just I'm not gonna say her name, obviously, but the stereotype.

SPEAKER_02

Was it Catherine Christina?

SPEAKER_01

She was just she was like very obviously a Catholic girl. And um, but I'm from Bogar, mostly around Jews, and I was trying to figure out if my new friend was Jewish. And so I start asking.

SPEAKER_02

This was like proto-bageling for you.

SPEAKER_01

Well, so it's it's so embarrassing. I start asking her, do you have any jewelry? Like, do you wear like a cross necklace, maybe? Any religious necklaces? And that's how I'm trying to figure out like if she is Christian or Jewish, if she wears, you know, a cross or if she wears a star of David. And I don't remember the answer, but um, whatever it was, it was definitely not a Star of David.

SPEAKER_03

And we were still friends, right? You made you made it through the Jewish jewelry check.

SPEAKER_02

You found common ground.

SPEAKER_03

Sometimes, um, because of the way my children grew up, uh they had this learning curve in realizing that like not everyone was Jewish. So I remember the day that they found out Barack Obama wasn't Jewish. Shock. They were completely shocked. He's not Jewish. I was like, okay, we we have some some learning to do, but I'm so glad that I've raised you in this like strong, you know, Jewish community.

SPEAKER_04

Diana, I have like the I had the exact same experience. Like my kids literally think everybody's Jewish and they're they're kind. Constantly asking me, is this person Jewish? Is that that? And finally, finally, I had to scream.

SPEAKER_05

I was like, there are like no Jews in this world.

SPEAKER_03

I was like, nobody's Jewish except us and your neighbors. Can I bring up like I think it's like a subreddit of bageling, which is like, can you know, how do you bagel, not that you're Jewish, but like what kind of Jew you are? So Oh, that's a great question. We're in the week. I mean, this is this is my life. So my girls also go to camp, and at camp, they encounter like different kinds of Jews than they are. And I see like Jews from Long Island.

SPEAKER_02

Well, it's like in that's the cohort I represent.

SPEAKER_03

Like it's it's this is this is how they explain it. Jews that don't know the word humash, you know? They're like, I don't understand. They don't know the word humash. Like it's Torah. Like, how so say tell us what the word humash means? Torah, the a reference to the five books of Torah. So um, that's a word that is like a word like math or English to my children. Like it is a subject in school. Um, and so it's because they go to Jewish teaching school. So it's confusing for them to, you know, I mean, this is one when they were much younger, to like meet Jews that don't have the same Jewish vocabulary they do. And that happens at like a kid level, but it it happens at an adult level with all kinds of things. So I I I think that like bageling is is not just about finding out if you're Jewish, but it's like, but do you are are you like the same type of Jew I am? Like, do you have the same practices? Do you have the same beliefs? Like, tell me more.

SPEAKER_02

And I would argue that intra-bageling this thing you're talking about, there is a uh that's like the scooping out. It there it can be sort of insidious in an adult context, right? Because it's like I I did not know the word Humash until I spent 10 plus years in the sort of Jewish media world, and even on like the later end of that. We're so focused on us and the outside world, but there is so much work to be done, I feel like, intra-Jewishly, to accept each other or figure out even what you're talking about with the earlier, like both figuring out how to navigate these different levels and layers of Jewishness, then also figuring out how to like incorporate them into our own worlds, right? Because um, there's Jews who don't keep kosher, right? So it's like in a funny way, kids make this so stark, but these are sort of gradations of Jewish identity that do kind of keep us apart from each other as adults. But can also bring us together. It's not just apart.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, look at that.

SPEAKER_04

Well, when you think of a place like Israel, the Jewish homeland, like to me, I mean, just to you know put that out there, when I visit Israel, I mean, it is the manifestation of everything we're talking about, right? Like you will never find um more variety of uh Jewish life, Jewish observance, um, Jewish, you know, identity, cultural identity, living in one space than in Israel, right? And I think that's something that um people who are not familiar with Israel and who maybe who have not visited Israel really don't understand is that it is not one thing. And you know, the Jewish people who live there are not one type of Jew, right? They run the spectrum of Judaism, and I think it it is a beautiful thing to see. And and just to bring in another um Jewish uh, you know, buzz phrase, like the this idea of like tikkun alam, which I'm sure Diana, you can you can speak to way more eloquently. I've never heard that phrase. Okay, yeah. I mean, you said so much, so I was like, yeah. I think I was like, I feel like we could go there.

SPEAKER_01

I I think of the Israel piece, I mean, I think that's exactly right, but it's also it's challenging. Like, I when I was in college, I studied abroad at Hebrew University in Jerusalem, and I lived in Jerusalem for six months, and I absolutely loved it. It was one of the most meaningful times in my life, and it was also really hard. Like everyone in Jerusalem is Shomer Shabbat, or at least most of the Jews who live in Jerusalem are, and I was not. And I felt amazing, you know, once I had been there a bit, and I could sort of navigate and figure out what time are the buses going to shut down on Friday nights. And but then there were also areas where I would sort of take a wrong turn and be wearing, you know, a tank top in the summer when it was really hot and find my way into a very orthodox community and feel, you know, quite out of place and have missed sort of the the memo on on how to get there. So um it's like being in Brooklyn. This is it's I mean, hot topic for next time.

SPEAKER_03

You take a wrong turn to what to wear when is like a very big thing.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, right. Um that's our fashion police segment. Also in Israel, they'd be like, what is bagel?

unknown

Right?

SPEAKER_02

What is bageling? Right.

unknown

True.

SPEAKER_02

They're like a diversity bagel that's totally different. Um wow, that is wow. I'm actually I'm hungry for bagels, um, which is not the point of this. But what here is Are we gonna have a podcast where we don't say bagel? I think probably no.

unknown

No.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I hope not. We're gonna take a break and then I'll be back for Ask Golda with our guest, Jill Cargman. I am here with our special guest, our very first guest. It's Jill Kargman. She's the creator of Odd Mom Out and the writer and star of the new movie Influence. Jill Cargman. Welcome to Golda Girls.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you. I'm so honored I'm your first guest. I didn't know it's at that.

SPEAKER_02

It's a lot of pressure.

SPEAKER_00

A lot. I hope I don't crack.

SPEAKER_02

Um, so you know, I was so excited to talk to you because I feel like you do something so well in your work, which is obviously to be funny and hilarious and smart and biting, but like you take on this culture, this upper east side of New York City culture, and you you make this sort of like loving satire of it. I guess I just wonder where did that come from? When did you start realizing that that this was sort of like your niche? This is what you needed to do.

SPEAKER_00

Well, I guess, right what you know, I'm geographically plopped right in it. So I guess just by osmosis, I was always observing and looking at people. And my parents were really super grounded. So they would always kind of make comments about over-the-top behavior or bad values or just people who were too flashy and covered in logos and stuff like that. So I always had a feeling of being insider-outsider with kind of one foot in it because I was entrenched with school and the neighborhood. But we just my family wasn't swept up in it and we we didn't go to the Hamptons. We didn't have a lot of the same patterns of eating in certain restaurants. Uh we're just not like very CNB seen. Um, so I always felt like I was there, but it was a bit at arm's length.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like you just described the experience of being Jewish in America. Can I broad insider, outsider there, but not really a part of it? Like, do you think that, do you think of this in Jewish terms at all?

SPEAKER_00

I do, but I also feel that way with Jews. Like I see some of the some of the over-the-top stuff in Jewish world, whether it's like a $2 million bar mitzvah or just some mom fluencers who are posting their private jets or whatever. And I think of that as sort of what I call BFTJ, bad for the Jews, where I don't relate to that either. So I'm a little bit, I feel so Jewish and culturally Jewish, but the Jewish community is not a monolith. There are many different types of Jews, too, along all parts of the political spectrum. And I'm just hanging out in the center. But um, it's a little lonely in my little vagina of the Venn diagram. But um, yeah, it is what it is. I don't know. I I'm I keep a small but mighty circle.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, walk us through influenced influence star is your character, Xanyelle. Um, am I saying it now?

SPEAKER_00

Yep, Xanyel. Her husband's Jordan, and her kids are Jarud and Zakota. Jarud has three H's in the spelling, and Zakota is D-Z-A-K-O-T-A. She's an Upper East Side momfluencer, and she is like doing the best she can to get to a million followers and also plan her kids Bin A mitzvah and struggle through marital issues and having some friends who are not real friends. They're like Air Kiss, transactional friendships.

SPEAKER_02

Was it hard to do that accent for the entire movie?

SPEAKER_00

Not at all. I've been hearing it my entire life.

SPEAKER_02

You know, it's interesting because you say like you grew up around this from a young age, but now we're obviously in this Instagram, TikTok influencer age where the type of person is the same, but it almost is it magnified?

SPEAKER_00

Well, I think in the 80s there was that embarrassment of riches. People in my class at Spence would get dropped off in their limousine two blocks away because they were embarrassed. Whereas now people are like proud to post the oval windows on their private jet because it's all about projecting fabulosity. And so some people love that voyeurism to sort of peek through this gold keyhole to see how the 1% lives, but it's everybody. I think social media hyperbolizes it because it's all been quick cut edited down with a slap to filter on it and a hashtag for the birthday party. And it just becomes almost like you're marketing your life. And there's something about that feels gross, and I need a silk witch hour.

SPEAKER_02

So I'm really happy you're here because we are now going into our next segment, Ask Golda, which is where a listener writes in with a burning question. And I was hoping that you would help me. This one's about bot mitzvahs, and I feel like it goes well with, you know, with the movie, with everything you're working on. So I'm hoping you'll help us answer this. I'm honored. Amazing. So this one comes in from Jen outside Boston. She writes, Dear Golda, my daughter's bot mitzvah is coming up this year, and I want her to have the best day ever. She wants, and we agree on, a no-phone policy for the event. We're looking into getting lock pouches and everything. I've mentioned this to one of her friends' moms, and she just rolled her eyes and said, Good luck with that. Is this a reasonable ask or even a realistic one? It just feels crazy to spend all this money on such a special day for everyone to be sitting on their butts glued to their phones the whole time.

SPEAKER_00

Jen, I am with you. I Jen outside Boston. Yes and yes, I'm all for it. I wholeheartedly agree. I the first time I was invited to a party that was no phones, I was kind of annoyed and I was the other mom rolling my eyes. But then, you know, um, Sia came out and did a surprise performance. Like you, yeah, it was, I was like, yep, I get why they had us put our phones away. Like, there's a reward for it. You have a great time, you're present, you're having conversations, and you don't see 13-year-olds who might have social anxiety just scrolling away in the corner. It's better to break through it and be together. And I really think that they might roll their eyes at the beginning, but like, fuck it, you're doing them all a favor. And I went to a party Saturday night where they said no phones allowed and they had pouches. We just left them in the car. And we just had a lot of fun. We were in the present. And if they had had phones, the people would have been filming because it definitely had like fun shit going on. And I also think you don't really want your private family stuff out there as content.

SPEAKER_02

I also I never really thought about it, but like bar mitzvahs were the most awkward, but we were forced into a game of Coke and Pepsi or like a slow dance with someone you kind of had a crush on.

SPEAKER_00

And yeah, and like a horror and all the, you know, it's it just feels like you if you have your phone, it's preventing you from just getting in there and swooping together and having your middle-aged self run wild.

SPEAKER_02

But even for the kids, it's like this is this moment where this is like a perfect place for them to learn how to like socially engage with each other, with boys, with girls. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

I just think that they could let someone's gonna try the worm without fear of someone filming it.

SPEAKER_02

Do they still slow dance like zombies next to each other? Yeah, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00

What's going on now? They do like party motivators will do dance offs and games, and then they throw iPads at you.

SPEAKER_02

I have heard that. In New York. In New York. Maybe not outside Boston. I don't know, some places maybe. It's really weird. Okay, so I feel like the takeaway for Jen is like everyone will actually be happy to be in the moment, and you're doing them a favor, and you're just you're protecting this space and this moment that is supposed to be like a transformative time, even if it's the party portion of the Bot Mitzvah.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, I agree completely. And also, Jen, you you're the host. It's your show. You have to not give a shit what they think. They're your guests, and they can come or they cannot come. We had for my husband's 50th birthday, we had a James Bond party, and it was white dinner jacket, black tie. And a lot of people were grumbling. They're like, what does this mean? Do I have to rent a jacket for your party? And I said, Yes, yes, you do. And they all grumbled. A bunch of people made a fuss about it. And guess what? Everyone showed up in black tie with a white dinner jacket, and every single person was like, the men look so hot. I'm so glad you shoved this down our fucking throat. We have a portrait of all our friends, like the shining, and everyone looks fucking gorgeous.

SPEAKER_02

And do you think it'll be harder to enforce for the kids or the parents in this situation?

SPEAKER_00

Um, I think the parents, because they probably think it's for the kids when it's in fact for everybody. And, you know, the whole thing of like the rules don't apply to me. Yes, they do. Every single person should have them away. And the kids should feel uninhibited without having someone recording their dancing. This is a time to let loose.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god, there's so many levels here that I didn't even realize. But you're right. Everyone should just feel free. Yep. Okay, I have to ask, what's the craziest thing you've seen at a bar mitzvah? What are the stakes these days?

SPEAKER_00

They're high. I went the craziest, I guess, is I went to a bar mitzvah. Well, I've been to a few where they have like big sports people. I don't care about sports, I think sports are like dumb and for lesser beings. Um, and people pay like $750,000 to have some NFL guy there. So everyone's taking selfies the whole time with this guy. So it's not about the kid, it's about the dude. You know what I'm saying? The other thing is I went to Bot Mitzvah where they just redecorated the whole hotel to be another hotel. Like the theme was Beverly Hills Hotel, so they just redecorated the Pierre to look like the Beverly Hills Hotel, which I thought was kind of funny.

SPEAKER_02

That is hilarious. Uh well, I'm excited because not only is Influence opening in New York City this weekend, we're actually doing two special Golda screenings with you. So we will be continuing the conversation on stage after the show.

SPEAKER_00

I sure am. I sure am. I can't wait. I think it's gonna be really fun, and I like having audiences where I feel cozy with nice Jewesses.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, nice Jewesses. So okay, so our first screening is gonna be Saturday, May 9th at 4.45, and then there's another one Monday at 7 p.m. And our that one's sold out. Sold out. Yes, sold out. So we added the other one.

SPEAKER_00

Saturday at 4.45. Get your early Mother's Day on, grab a cocktail and come hang with us.

SPEAKER_02

I love it. We'll be there. I'll be talking to Jill. Influence opens this weekend in New York City, and then it's opening in select cities around the country. Check out influencedmovie.com to find out when it's screening near you. Okay, the Golda Girls are back. We're all here, and it's time for Good for the Jews. Good for the Jews is brought to you by Joiva, which is my favorite sentence in the entire world to say I'm sitting at GoldaHQ, I'm looking around and I see Joiva products everywhere. I see a box of gel rings, I see a bag of sesame crunch. They are the official, unofficial foodstuffs of Golda and of Golda Girls. So, Good for the Jews, it's a pretty simple concept. Each week we're gonna bring you something that is, in fact, good for the Jews. To kick us off, I'm gonna bring us back to the Upper West Side, to the bagel capital of the universe. My Good for the Jews this week is from one of the Upper West Side Buy Nothing Facebook groups I'm in. They are my favorites. It's always people posting things they need, things they're giving away. The stuff gets random. Um, but this was my favorite. Here's the subject kosher food gift. So someone is giving away, there's a picture, you guys can't see it, but here's what's in this pickup: a bag with herring, different varieties, a container of chopped liver, and a container of gala, which I actually don't know what that is, cinnamon kokosh cake, arguably better than babka and still our best kept secret, and a tin with potato kogel and salt and pepper noodle kogel. Pickup on 88th and West Egg. Love it. Okay, it Day knew that it could have been enough. The comments on here, like people want specific items. This gave me hope for humanity. Someone said, Would love the kokosh and can come in about an hour, can take liver too. Wait, what is kokosh? Does someone know here?

SPEAKER_04

I got no idea.

SPEAKER_02

All right, we'll figure it out. Someone says, Would love the chopped liver if you don't want it. Would love to try the Kokosh, someone else says, Would love herring, chop liver, and some coogle, please. Someone says, interested in one and three and can come before 6 p.m. today. Anyway, this continues like for many, many hours of people wanting to get the assorted variety of foods in this pickup. And I have to say, amazing. It was like out of a movie, basically. But it just made me so, so happy.

SPEAKER_01

I think you have to add a little bit of context on buy nothing. And I have to say I have been a lurker in buy nothing groups for a few years because I have moved, I've had a number of moves in recent years, and they're very helpful when it's 12 hours before the movers come and you have to just clear out your apartment. And these are these Facebook groups they have all over the country in like sort of micro neighborhoods, and people, as you said, post anything and you can't sell it. It all has to be for free. And people post, like sometimes it'll be like, okay, I'm getting rid of this chair. Sometimes it is, I have half a slice of banana bread. Like, literally. Can you pick it up at my house?

SPEAKER_02

Okay, so Kokosh, I've looked this up. I probably should have Googled it before we recorded, but it's a traditional Hungarian Jewish yeast cake often seen in Hasidic bakeries. Um, it's a flatter, chocolatey cousin to babka. So this is a hyper-specific food drop. Um, all right, who else has what else is good for the Jews this week?

SPEAKER_01

I've got a food good for the Jews as well. So I'm heading to New Orleans this weekend for a wedding. New Orleans is basically the trafe capital of the world. So there is loads of food. I unfortunately uh do not eat in in New Orleans. But for those who don't know this or those who do, it's still something to celebrate. Cafe du Monde, the famous beignet place in the French quarter of New Orleans, is certified kosher. Hectured. I was actually just looking it up before we got on this call. And I, to just to put my own level of Judaism out there, I would be eating the beignets even if they're not kosher or not certified, like there's nothing unkosher about donuts. But there was a an Orthodox rabbi who moved to New Orleans about 20 years ago and was learning all about the French Quarter and the city's culture, and beignets, I think, are the only food that they sell. And for those who haven't been, like people will wait in these really, really long nights all down the street. And it's open, I think, 24 hours a day. So, you know, people are like partying into the Wii hours and then coming for their late night slash early morning beignets. I would venture to guess 99% of them are not people who are thinking about Kashroot. But this Orthodox rabbi moved to New Orleans and was like, these should be kosher, why are these not kosher? And they got certified, they got hectured. I was reading that there are like make your own beignet kits that you can buy to make the donuts at home, and those are also kosher to bring home with you. Um, and I just think that's good for the Jews. It's not like they're advertising it. It's not like, you know, they don't have a big sign that says Cafe du Monde kosher underneath. But um, I think the fact that anyone can go there and enjoy delicious food at one of the most famous places to eat in the country is pretty cool.

SPEAKER_02

That's amazing. I'm actually looking at their kosher certification now because I Googled it while you were talking, and it's I'm looking it's like to whom it may concern. This is just certified that the fried beignets and box beignet mix sold under the label of Cafe du Monde are under my orthodox rabbinical supervision and our kosher dairy, halabstam and noteyashan, for year-round use, not including Passover. So these are not I mean, as if I should say that. What are you important to have yet? Um, that makes me so happy. That is so good for the Jews.

SPEAKER_03

There's no way to top a kosher beignet, but my good for the Jews this week what happened yesterday. And as I mentioned, I was at a professional conference with lots of mockers, and I was minding my business, listening, learning like you do, and I looked down at the person next to me who was a top-level Hillel um executive, and he was wearing socks with Golda My Ears face on them. And I thought, oh yes, always a good idea to let your Jew flag fly, always a good idea to invoke Golda, the, you know, our our namesake, um, the the original. And um, it just made me really happy that here this person is just going around his his day doing important work for the Jewish people, but also keeping Golden My Ear in mind and uh showing a little pride.

SPEAKER_02

I also want to say another golden namesake is Golda from Fidder on the Roof. Oh, okay. That long-suffering Balabusta, returning her to her you know, rightful place.

SPEAKER_01

Long-suffering bala busta is another tagline for Golda Girls.

SPEAKER_03

You'll you'll have to keep a list, guys.

SPEAKER_04

Okay. My good for the Jews. So Nick Cave, for those of you who don't know, he's an Australian Diana. He's an Australian.

SPEAKER_05

I'm sorry. No, um I know who I don't know who's

SPEAKER_04

No, I feel like this is niche. Anyways, Nick Cave is the frontman of the band Nick Cave in the Bad Seeds. He's an Australian singer. This is a man who has suffered incredible tragedy in his life. Let's just say he's unfortunately lost two sons. He sings about really like emotionally complex, weighty topics. I've been a fan of his for a long time and was pleasantly surprised to see that a few days ago, in response to some angry fans writing in and asking him why he would not support the BDS movement and would not uh decline to perform in Israel, he has invoked the concept of Lashon Hara. He actually used the phrasing Lashon Hara, and he said that he and his wife that they really work hard to refrain from speaking ill of other people. He said that regardless of his political beliefs, he would never support the banning or the destruction of another people. I don't know, I really love that. I think he's an example of someone standing on their moral high ground and sticking to their beliefs. And of course, I love the fact that he invoked uh the concept of Lashavanhara. I think it's like it's actually something that's near and dear to me. It's just something that I sort of always fall back on. So I I love the fact that he's he's spreading the concept wide.

SPEAKER_02

Also, a rock star pledging to not gossip is like my favorite thing ever. If he can do it, we all can, I think.

SPEAKER_04

I agree. Listen, he's not taking the easy way out, right? But yeah, if if you're not familiar with Nick Cave and you want to feel sad and existential, I highly recommend. All right, Nick Cave.

SPEAKER_02

Kosher Beignets, Gold of My Year Socks, uh, Upper West Side Buy Nothing Groups, all of it very, very good for the Jews. We did it. We did it, ladies. All right, that's it for episode two. I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks. Golda Girls is a production of Golda Media. The show is hosted by me, Stephanie Butnik, with the amazings. Gabby Deutsch, Diana Fersco, and Esther Shahabar. Ariel Shipiro is our executive producer, editing by the amazing team at Puldu. Get more Golda and subscribe to our twice-weekly newsletter at Goldaguide.com. Follow us on Instagram at Goldeguide. Tell everyone you know about your favorite Doom podcast, share it, subscribe, leave us a comment that's super helpful on whatever player you're listening to us on, and stay Golda. Happy Mother's Day, happy other Mother's Day, happy Jewish women's weekend, Jewish women's month, Jewish women's year. Uh let's let's do it.

Head Shot

Diana Fersko

Host
Head Shot

Esther Chehebar

Host
Head Shot

Gabby Deutch

Host
Head Shot

Stephanie Butnick

Host