What Is a Proverbs 31 Woman?

What Is a Proverbs 31 Woman?

Is Proverbs 31 meant to inspire women—or leave them feeling like they will never be enough?

In this episode of Wine Into Water, we wrestle with one of the most celebrated, complicated, and sometimes weaponized passages in Scripture: the description of the Proverbs 31 woman.

She runs a household, raises children, serves the poor, buys property, plants a vineyard, manages a business, supports her husband, rises before dawn, works late into the night, and somehow does it all with strength, dignity, wisdom, and joy. For women already carrying the pressure to be everything to everyone, the passage can begin to feel less like encouragement and more like an impossible performance review.

Together, we explore what Proverbs 31 may have been intended to communicate and how easily we turn it into a checklist. Lydia reflects on her own tendency toward achievement, people-pleasing, and performance, and the temptation to read the passage as a list of standards she must meet to become a woman of noble character. Jen shares the story of Rachel Held Evans, who spent a year attempting to follow the passage literally and ultimately concluded that it was never intended to function as a list of tasks women must complete.

The conversation turns toward the larger structure of Proverbs, where wisdom is repeatedly personified as a woman. What if the woman described in the final chapter is not simply an ideal wife every woman must imitate? What if she is also a picture of wisdom itself—a life shaped by trust in God rather than fear, striving, or scarcity?

We consider how the passage has sometimes been used to place an impossible burden on women, especially those who are single, do not have children, live in poverty, work outside the home, remain at home, or simply do not see themselves reflected in every detail. We also return to the story of Mary and Martha and the reminder that the work itself is not necessarily the problem. The deeper question is the posture of the heart doing it.

As the conversation unfolds, Jen and Lydia begin to notice something often missed in the passage: this woman does not seem crushed by her responsibilities. She appears strong, capable, generous, and even joyful. She can laugh at the days to come, not because she controls every outcome, but because she trusts the God who does.

They reflect honestly on the way stress, busyness, and the belief that everything depends on us affect the people around us. What would our children say about the way we carry our lives? Would they call us blessed—or would they describe us as tired, hurried, overwhelmed, and unavailable?

This episode is for any woman who has ever read Proverbs 31 and felt inspired, exhausted, defensive, inadequate, or all four at once. It is an invitation to stop treating the passage as a spiritual scorecard and begin seeing it as a blessing: a picture of what becomes possible when a woman lives from the wisdom, strength, and abundance of God.

Because maybe a Proverbs 31 woman is not a woman who does everything.

Maybe she is a woman who remembers that God has already given her what she needs to do the work He has placed before her.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Sometimes we pray for the miracles. We wait for the breakthrough, the healing, the answered prayer. And when it doesn't come, when life feels ordinary, heavy, or quiet, we wonder if something is wrong. We read about water turning into wine, but most of us are living in seasons where it feels like the opposite, where the celebration fades and the glass feels empty. Where faith isn't dramatic, it's dishes in the sink, laundry that never ends, prayers whispered into the silence. But what if the miracle was never the point? What if what we're really longing for isn't the wine, but the living water? The presence of Jesus in the middle of the Monday. The abundance that doesn't depend on circumstances. This is a podcast for seasons that feel unmiraculous. For the questions we carry quietly. For the faith that keeps showing up, even when nothing. Welcome to Wine in to Wild. I'm your co-host, Jen Asplin. And I'm your other co-host, Lydia Rosencreen. We're two women who have been asking questions, nobody seems to be answering. Questions about faith and seasons when life can feel unmiraculous.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

And we kept having these conversations, just the two of us, and we realized we can't be the only ones who are asking these questions.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

So we decided to invite you into the conversation. We're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_01 1:51

And we should disclose to you that we had a whole lot of conversation on this before we sat down and pushed record, because of all the questions we've asked, this one might be the most controversial. And I think that we're both walking into it with very different perspectives based on what we understand about it. And we're going to remind you that we are not Bible scholars, we are not theologians, we are not pastors or teachers, we are women of faith. And I think that we are going to talk to you today from that perspective in what God might have meant when he included Proverbs 31 in the Bible and what we are supposed to do with it in this day and age.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

A little bit in that number one, I mean, it's like, wow, there's some pride in being a woman when you read about this woman, right? Like she's amazing. Um she's a merchant and an entrepreneur and a great wife and a great mother. And she's she's doing all of these amazing things. She's she helps the poor. And um it's like wow. I mean, that makes being a woman, it just sounds like a like an amazing thing, like God created us um in his image. So of course we are amazing, but um there's another side, and and I have a very strong um performer, achiever, pleaser, um, personality that I've had to work very, very hard to um try and figure out exactly how where where was God where is God in all of that, right? And so when I look at this, I also see a checklist, Jen, like, okay, entrepreneur tech uh stays up all night, you know, check that, um, helps the poor, takes care of her family, plants a vineyard, um, brings honor to her husband, check, check, check. That's all, you know, and all of a sudden I'm forming this mental checklist of, you know, of what I'm expected to be as a woman of faith. And I think that entirely misses the point of this passage. But I also don't think that I'm alone in that. And I don't think it's just individual women who have read it and said it and have seen that for themselves, like, oh my gosh, I'm supposed to be this, and that's supposed to be this, and I'm supposed to be this, or I'm missing the mark. I think there are things that the church as a whole has taken from this as if you as a woman of faith are not achieving these things, if you're not this, then you're missing the mark. You're missing God's mark for your life. And I I just don't think that that's the truth. I really don't. Knowing who God is, I I I struggle with that. At the same time, that part of me that wants to be the higher achiever, that wants to get the gold star, we've talked about both of us have that. Like, if I want to get the gold star, I want to, I want to check, check, check, check, check this little thing and be like, okay, you know, I'm I'm a I'm a noble woman, I'm a woman of noble character. I got the gold star because I met all of these things. And I think it um, it's one of those things where you can easily get lost in the details and miss the spirit completely.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

I think that's right. We were um talking before we came on, and there's a woman named Rachel Held Evans who I heard speak at a women's retreat years ago, and she's since passed away. Um, but she wrote a book about Proverbs 31 that was the first, I don't know, maybe like deep dive that I did into it. And she spoke on it. Um, and you know, literally, she took every verse in Proverbs 31 literally and did it for a full year. Um, and I like I just think it's really interesting what her takeaways were. And so the book came out in 2012 and it was called A Year of Biblical Womanhood. And like she only dressed in purple, she sewed all of their clothes and their bedding. She got up before lawn, she bought bought real estate, she planted a vineyard, like she at one point like went to the edge of their town and held up a sign that said, Dan is awesome because it says that you should praise your husband at the city gates. And what's like fascinating is after a year doing it, her takeaway was it was never intended to be a checklist. Like nothing in her doing of it brought her closer to God. What she discovered is more that it is meant to be the personification of wisdom and not a checklist of things to do. Um, and I'm Proverbs is like the book that I'm studying right now. And one of the things that's like super interesting to me in the book is it it characterizes wisdom as a woman.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

And so like it starts right with this father trying to impart wisdom on his son, and it ends with this epilogue of this virtuous, noble woman of valor. And it, I don't know, to some degree, it almost feels like we've taken this personification of wisdom and imparted it on women in a way that is unachievable. And I think to your part, your point, like not the heart of God. It moves us maybe from this place of trusting in the Lord to feeling like there's a list of to-dos. Like I think about the Israelites with their 631 laws. And how like Jesus was really clear that like it's not like salvation is not a thing you can earn. It's not a thing you can do. Like, you can't live up to the law anyway. Like, I've given you something better. Um, and we don't seem to question that with other parts of the Old Testament law. Like, we're clear as Christians that like those things don't apply anymore. But I think I agree with you that in a lot of ways this verse gets like weaponized against women on somehow like this chapter in this book of wisdom somehow still pertains as like a should.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

Oh gosh, yes. Yes. Um and it was interesting as you were talking, Jen, like when you said she actually bought a vineyard, like she actually sewed their clothes, and and I'm thinking even you know, we pick and choose, like like obviously the vineyard thing was for a different time. I mean, sure, there are a few women in the world whose families own vineyards, right? But there's not very many. Yeah. And so I don't think the Bible is saying that in order to be a woman of noble character, you have to, you have to go and buy a vineyard, you have to dress in purple, you have to um, and so it almost makes like when you said that, I was like, oh my gosh, sometimes I'm so ridiculous. I mean, like, I'll take something that was meant in a context and I will completely take it out of context and try to apply to today that was just that wasn't God's intent, right? And again, then I miss the heart, then I miss the spirit. And you know, the other thing is, I mean, when I think, what if what if I'm a woman who's living in poverty? Um, what if I'm in a country where none of this would ever be attainable to me? Does that mean that I have missed the heart of God? Does that mean I can't be a woman of faith? And so, yes, I mean, it's it's it's a very specific woman, it's a very specific culture. Um there's so much to be taken from it that I can learn about the heart of God, that I can learn about who He created me to be as a woman made in his image. And if I get caught up in the details and the checklist, I'm gonna miss that. If I get caught up in the one thing that I and you know, the the other thing is it's it's written about a noble, it's a wife of noble character, right? So what if God has called you to be single? What if you don't have children? It's like there's a whole big piece of this that you're like, I have failed, you know, have I failed as a woman of faith? Because I I can't I don't have a husband to honor in the apathy of my hometown, right? I don't have kids to that can rise up and call me blessed. Um yeah. There's just listening to you, there was just it was like, oh my gosh, so much that um I hadn't really thought about.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

What strikes me is the first line. A wife of noble character. Who can find? Um I like the first few books of Proverbs talk a lot about adultery. Like a lot, like it's like repeated, and I think about that with like a New Testament lens where like the church is the bride of Christ, and it feels like some of that is pointing towards there are lots of people who will lure you in to situations that feel really great to start with and end in disaster, and in most things where there is work or a wait, the reward is long to come, but almost always certainly like worth it, right? And so I like I think about well, shoot, you can't find a wife with noble character. And I think about like the intro to Proverbs, and all of these like wisdom is personified as a woman, the adulterer is personified as a woman, but I don't actually think it's talking about women, I think it's more just trying to help readers understand that there are things that are wise and there are things that are not wise, and wisdom comes from God. And when you stray from this relationship with Jesus, when you become the adulterer who seeks things other than God, it results in foolishness and harm for you. And just like with the like laws of Israel, we will never measure up because we are human and we know that. Like, I think about Jesus being like, oh, a perfect human, who can find? And the answer we know is like, no one. Like, we all strive to be righteous, right? To do the right thing over the wrong thing. And always, also always, right? Like we fall short of that standard, which is why we need Jesus. Amen. Sorry, that was like probably really too complex of an argument, but I'm like, wait, there's something here.

SPEAKER_02 16:34

I think it's perfect, I think that's exactly it. I think it goes back to the Mary and Martha story, Jen, right? Like Martha probably checked off a lot of those things. Like, I don't know that she was Mary, the Bible doesn't say that. But she was industrious, right? She was capable, she ran her household. Um she did those things, but the one that Jesus praised was Mary. Right? Was Mary, and it was because not because those things didn't need to get done, um, because we both know, and I know our listeners who run households know as well, we have things that must be done, right, to keep the household running. People have to be fed and kids have to go to school, and laundry has to be done. But it it's it all goes back to the heart posture. And Mary's heart posture was Jesus first. And I think if if we look at Proverbs 31 in that light, no, I mean, they're all good things, none of them are are bad things. But Jen, if I start doing them as a checklist, as whether I think I'm earning my way to heaven, or I just maybe I just do it because if I see a checklist, I'm gonna start doing it, right? Like, okay, oh look, I don't even know why I'm doing this, but it's a checklist. So I do know sometimes I fall into that. Like it doesn't even have to be something that was for me. It's like, oh, a standard. Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm not only gonna meet it, I'm gonna exceed it, right? Yeah. Um but if I start just checking the boxes, even the good ones, even the you know, I lift the she she takes care of the needy. If I'm doing that just to check a box, I'm I'm missing it. I'm missing what Jesus said was the thing, the most important thing. And it's what you've said, I think, on every episode that we've done, which is just be with me. Right?

SPEAKER_01 19:11

If God just He just wants our hearts. It's interesting as you were going through that, the thing the thing that popped up for me was when you view it as a checklist or a way to earn how you're almost operating from a place of like scarcity. Which is inherently a fear-based behavior, right? Yes. Um and I think what's what's interesting is again and again throughout the Bible, Old Testament and New, right? There is this promise that God repeatedly makes to provide for his people. Like, I've got you, trust me. And for me, when I get into a place of striving and doing and checking the list and trying to like live up to some standard that maybe is written in the Bible, or maybe it's just like some stuff I made up in my head.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Um, how I like move from that place of abundance and love and communing with the creator of the universe to this place of like scarcity and fear and earning, which I think is such like a human tendency, a womanly tendency, right? Like, we gotta do it all. Um, and I like what's interesting, so like back to my Rachel Held Evans thing, her conclusion after doing this for a year was that it was about the character, not the contents. And her belief is that, like, what the writer was trying to articulate was like this woman of valor, who whether she was at the home working in the home, that she might do it with valor and wisdom and fear of the Lord if she was in the marketplace, that she was a woman of valor in the marketplace. Um, and so I don't know. I think that that's like just another recurrent theme in the Bible, which is maybe why I think like the most repeated command is like, do not fear, like, do not go to that place of scarcity and checklists and legalism. Like, that's not my heart. That's not what I want for you. I have something better. And so If you read this verse from a place of abundance, of provision, of love, I think it like it it reads differently for me.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

I think um I think for so many of us, and not this is not gonna be everybody out there, but I I have a feeling that I'm I'm not the only one, but whether it was externally communicated to us, whether we simply had a bent towards this, um whether we you know we took circumstances and created our own story. I mean, there's so many things that happened in childhood, and you and I are not therapists, and you know, I don't want to go there, but I think somewhere along the line, so many women internalize this idea that it all depends on us. Um if we drop the ball, it's all gonna come crashing down. And I think it's easy to look at Proverbs 31 and find something in there that confirms that, right? That um, just like you said, that because that is a I mean, that is a scarcity mindset. That is the belief that it that God is not gonna take care of it, that I have to take care of it. That is absolutely operating from fear and scarcity and a lack of trust. And it's so easy for me to look at Proverbs 31 and find confirmation when I look at it from the perspective that you just gave of abundance. I actually see something in it that I don't think I've ever seen before, Jen. Which is that she seems really happy. She seems full of life, she seems joyful, like she's enjoying the things that she's doing, like she's enjoying considering the field and planting a vineyard, like she's excited about bringing things in for the merchants. Um, I'm gonna be honest, there are a lot of days that I don't, I'm not sure I bring any joy into anything I do whatsoever. Because I get so caught up in the I gotta get this done. I've got to get all of these things done. I have way too much to do. Um, I don't, and so I don't end up finding any enjoyment in them at all. It's just the the endless list of getting people where they need to be and getting all the things that need to be done and making the medical appointments and you know, all the things at work that have to be done. And I can go through a whole day and not have any joy in anything that I did whatsoever. And one that's such a loss for me. But I think about these these children at in the Proverbs 31 story who rise up and call their mom blessed. And it's like if I really think about it, would my children do that? Or would they look and say, or would they say, would they rise up and say, My mom is tired or stressed or busy? Um It's been this has been really convicting for me today, probably in a different way than Proverbs 31 is normally convicting. Like normally we look at it and it, you know, it might convict us that we're not doing enough and we're not doing it right. I'm convicted that I'm I'm missing the joy that she seems to exhibit throughout all of her endeavors.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

I mean, part of this goes back to all the conversations we've had about Mary and Martha, right? Yeah. Where the things Martha was doing weren't wrong. They were like things that gotta get done. But it was the heart posture behind them. And so when I look at all of it, right, from this like place of abundance, I think part of it's joy for sure. Although not every, I don't know, not every day, not every circumstance is joyful. Um, but if I just like I'll reflect on my last, I don't know, 36 hours. My husband's traveling this week. So it's me and the kids, and they started camp. It's like the beginning of summer when we're recording this. Sure. Thank you, Jesus, for summer camp. Um, but we had a really busy day yesterday, and I needed to get us fed to a ball game, home, showered, read to in bed, right? Like post-camp. And I had spent time in solitude all day because again, summer camp, and I felt really connected to my faith and to God. Like I'd spent a lot of the day there. I picked them up. We were like early to the ballgame, we had dinner before we went. Like, I just let it be, and the night unfolded perfectly. They went to bed, everything was great. This morning, I did get up and I did kind of spend time with Jesus. But mostly I decided that I wasn't sure I loved the study that I was doing, and so I researched to see if I could find a new study, and I'm studying Proverbs, and then like Lydia gets on and is like, I think we should do Proverbs 31 today.

unknown 28:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Maybe I was supposed to be reading it. But I'm like, we have a lot of time this morning, but man, like, we do need to go to camp in time because I have a meeting this morning that I need to jump on. And I hustled my kids. Everton brought out like five different dresses. I'm like, can you just pick a dress? Like, why are we doing this? And why are you trying to wear a ball gown to summer camp? Like, that's not appropriate. Put it back in your closet. And I wouldn't turn off the TV. And I'm like, Brooks, it's time to go. Brooks, Brooks, turn off the TV. And we're getting into the car. And I'm like, hang on, I'm gonna grab a soda. And I hear him from the hallway go, Mom, Mom Aspin, it's time to go. Mom, it's time to go. Mom, get in the car. And we were late anyway, like despite it all. So, like, but my but my reflection is when I am like legit spending time with Jesus and really operating from a place of abundance, I'm like, let's have some dinner. Yeah, let's go to baseball, let's read some books. And I'm not like taskmastering it. It's not just like my joy, it impacts like the people around me. And like we have a very different time depending on like where I am on that spectrum. And like the stupid thing about all of it is like nothing in the circumstances changed. I did because of where like my heart was. Um, and so then I get to get to the bottom of the passage, right? And it says, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. And I think that's like the whole thing. Like, all wisdom comes from God. Our job is to know that He is God and we are human and He will provide. And if we can truly rest in that place, then like, sure, like we can do all the things that it says. We can be in the marketplace and we can be a great mom and we can be a philanthropist, and we can find joy in all of it. But I think it comes from our ability to rest in that abundance. And I think, particularly as women, it can be really hard to rest in that abundance because we feel this need to be productive. And I don't think rest means like do nothing, right? Like it's in in at some point in here, it says that she doesn't, she sets about her work vigorously.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:44

Right? She doesn't, oh, what was the line that I was gonna look for? Oh, she does not eat the bread of idleness. Yeah. So it's like mentally, how do you operate from this place of abundance so that you can go do the things that God has put in front of you? Whether that is driving the kids to camp and getting the laundry done, or coaching, or writing, or teaching, or like whatever the thing is that you've been given to done to do, how do you do it like from a place of abundance, which then maybe lets you do it with more joy? I don't know. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

I wish I had the answer to that, Jen. I wish I could sit here and just give the answer. Um but I can I can give a couple of things that I feel like God has been speaking to me about. And one is let God be God. Um it's funny how easily I fool myself into believing that I'm not trying to control everything, that I have surrendered everything. I can eat Jen. I so easily fooled myself that um I trust God, trusting in God. I'll sing trust in God, and I've surrendered. And he will just be like, oh, really? And show me so clearly how I am white knuckling everything in my life to try and control the outcome. And so I think part of I actually do think I've had a lot more joy lately than I have had in like the last six months. And part of that I can absolutely tell you is because I'm trying to let God be God. And I'm not trying to be God for everybody in my life, right? Like, I think it's you could easily read Proverbs 31 and say she's trying to control like she's in control. And I don't think that's what it says, but if you make it into that checklist type thing, it's like she's making sure that that everybody has food, and she's making sure that they don't, you know, she's got an inheritance to leave to her kids, and she's you know, um, and I don't think that's what it's saying. I don't think that she's trying to control the outcome. She's doing what God has given her to do, and she's allowing him to do with it what he may. Um, I struggle with that. And I'm but I'm finding more joy when I can let God be God. Um I think I had one more thing, but I have lost it. So I'm gonna see, I'm gonna shoot it back over to you all. I see if I can remember what that was.

SPEAKER_01 35:29

So um, as you were talking about that, I was looking at verse 25 and 26, which says, She is clothed with strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come, she speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. And then for whatever reason, my mind immediately skips to. She is a woman who who fears the Lord and is to be praised. Because it's not like our strength, it's not our dignity, it's not our wisdom, it's not our faithful instruction, right? Like, but he clothes us in that. Yes. So the last thing I'll share. Yeah. Um this passage is a Jewish passage because it's in the Old Testament. And in the Jewish tradition, the passage wasn't used as this performance review for women. It was a poem that was traditionally memorized and sung by men to bless and celebrate their wives' hard work, wit, and strength. It was like the biblical equivalent to like, you got this. Yeah. And that to me feels like the heart of God. Like we have been equipped with everything we need to do the work he has asked us to do. He has clothed us in strength and dignity, he has given us wisdom and faithful instruction. And to your point, like all we have to do is remember that he is God and that we are not. And we can rest in his abundance, and we can go do all the things that he has called us to do, whether that is in the home or the marketplace or a school or like whatever that is, um that he's given us everything that we need.

SPEAKER_02 38:12

And I think all that I would add to that is based on your story, Jen, is that we do have a tremendous responsibility as women. Tremendous responsibility that God has given us potentially husbands and children in ministries and workplaces and friends and podcasts, right? We have so much responsibility and how we