An Ocular Message

People don't just hear what you say—they watch how you live. In Episode 22 of Second Wind, KR Henderson explores the power of an ocular message: the message your life communicates before you ever open your mouth. From leadership and discipline to health, relationships, and personal responsibility, discover why credibility is built by example, not just words. The question isn't whether your life is sending a message—it is. The question is: What is your life teaching?

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

As always, let me remind you: this is second win with K.R. Henderson. You're not late, you're assigned. I can recall one writer saying, Follow me as I follow Christ. Think about that. He didn't say do what I say, he said, watch what I do. In other words, my life and my message should be moving in the same direction. Because credibility is built when what I say and what I do agree with each other. How about that? Today I wanted to have a conversation with you about what I call an ocular message. An ocular message is a message people receive with their eyes long before they hear it with their ears. Let that sit with you for a moment. I mean an ocular message. People receive it with their eyes. Long before they ever hear it with their ears. Long before people listen to your words, they're watching your habits. Long before they hear your message, they're evaluating your movement. And if we're honest, that's a lesson I had to learn myself. There was a season after I remarried when I was out of corporate America and building my own business. Man, I mean, I was working long hours, 12, 14 hour days, chasing opportunities, carrying responsibilities. Because I wasn't taking very good care of my health during that period, to be honest with you. But here I was managing people again, preaching life gets better when you get better. But I wasn't getting better. Okay? Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. The scale was rising, things were getting out of whack, regular checkups started lagging, due to work, the gym became really an afterthought. Again, just working all the time. And that wasn't who I needed to be. More importantly, that wasn't who my children needed me to be. You understand what I'm saying? And let me just drop a footnote right here, fellas. That's not who your children need you to be either. We preach that the body is temple. We do. But some of us have turned the temple into a food court. We say, Lord, I mean, we say the Lord is working on us, but so is little Debbie and Nabisco, you know what I'm saying? I mean, we talk about cigars, alcohol, drugs, staying away from things like that, right? While eating pound cake, like it's a spiritual gift. Some of us can quote scripture from memory. I know I'm around them every Sunday. But get wended, walking to the mailbox. Now, don't get mad at me if you're listening to this with a bowl of ice cream. Stay with me. Don't cut the podcast off. You see, the mirror doesn't care what you tell it, the scale doesn't care what you talk about. Your habits eventually tell the truth. A lot of people today hide behind, I'm not perfect. Right? That's my private life. Don't judge me. Nobody's perfect but Jesus. And all that's true, but that's not what the writer was saying. He wasn't claiming perfection. He was saying, you can watch me. You see, privacy may protect information, but it doesn't create credibility. One of the biggest problems in our families, our communities, in our societies, not to mention our culture, is that we become comfortable separating what we teach from how we live. Two different things. Think about it. A father tells his son to work hard but shows up late to work every week. A mother tells her children to watch their language while every other word out of her mouth would make a sailor blush. Come on now. Huh? We preach discipline, but we live undisciplined. I mean we preach financial responsibility while Amazon, the driver knows us by first name. We preach self-control, but we can't control our own appetites. And I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings. That's not my intention. I'm just saying if your blood type is frosting, we may need to talk. But we preach responsibility while making excuses, basically. And here's the thing: when we talk about woe working harder on yourself, we're not pointing the fingers. We're pointing mirrors. Woe isn't about perfection, it's about pursuit. Nobody's perfect. I get that, not me, not you, not your pastor, not your boss, not even your spouse. But there should be evidence that we're pursuing the things that we claim we value. Because with woe, strength isn't about quitting challenges. It's about quitting the mindset and the excuses that hold us back. The strong person recognizes when something isn't helping him and grows. And has the courage to leave it behind. I mean, some need to move on from bitterness, others from excuses. And some may need to blame, may need to move on from blaming everybody else. Growth begins when accountability enters the room. That's what I'm trying to say. And if I'm going to teach, right? Live, have a conversation about discipline, there ought to be some evidence that I'm pursuing the same things that I'm talking about. Father, dad, if I'm going to teach health, then quite frankly, I should look healthy. If I'm going to teach leadership, there ought to be some evidence that I'm leading myself first. You can't effectively lead others. You understand what I'm saying? If you can't lead yourself, I was having a conversation recently, my wife and I, with our 13-year-old son. I mean, this boy thinks effort is negotiable. He'll give 100% on one chore, right? 50% on another, and 30% on the third. Apparently, he's built in a performance management system that nobody told me about or his mother. And he acts like he's a union negotiator, right? I mean, you get it? He really does. I mean, you should have heard what he told me the other day. He said, Dad, I'm finished. Son, you got six other chores. Well, I feel like I've done enough. Based on what? A survey? I meanwhile, I give 100%, and his mother's giving 150. Make no mistake. Notice, gentlemen, how smoothly I inserted that. That's called wisdom. Another subject. But at my age, I don't need applause. I need peace. I'm trying to stay married. As a matter of fact, I recently had him read my book, The Lion's Den, The Four Pillars of Male Success. And one of the pillars is leadership. Leadership means taking responsibility for your life instead of blaming circumstances or other people. One lesson I learned a long time ago is this. The strongest position is often the one that does not need the last word. Every argument doesn't require our participation, brothers. This is leadership I'm talking about now. Every criticism doesn't deserve your response, and every misunderstanding doesn't require a press conference. Sometimes maturity sounds like silence. Check that out. Another pillar is relationship. We talked about that. I talked to him about that. Relationships require listening to understand, not merely listening so you can reload and fire back. Too many people are waiting for their turn to talk. Kind of hard to build relationships like that. Very few are listening to understand. And the third pillar, health and fitness. My baby. Now I used to personal train in my 30s. I think I've said that in one of the episodes. And one of the things that I've learned is this your body is the vehicle that carries your purpose. So stewardship in the health and fitness arena is not optional. You only get one body. One of these. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again. When you're healthy, you have a thousand problems. When you get sick, you only have one. Health has a way of putting everything into perspective. And the last pillar, emotional resilience. This is a big one, especially for men, because life will apply pressure. Pressure don't make appointments. Pressure don't check our schedule. Pressure just really just shows up. And a man must learn how to carry weight without being crushed by it. I think one of the greatest lessons I've learned is this. Just because I was right didn't mean I needed to respond. Let me say that again. Just because I was right, gentlemen, didn't mean I need to respond. The emotional discipline, that's what that looks like. That's wisdom, that's maturity. Okay? As I said before, never negotiate with weakness. Sometimes weakness is losing your temper. Sometimes weakness is needing the last word. Sometimes weakness is believing that explaining yourself one more time will magically change someone's character. It won't. I promise you it won't. But boundaries teaches us lessons. Speeches never will. Sometimes the most mature thing that we can do is walk away. At least walk away from an argument you can't win. Or walk away from one that you could win. Because maturity often looks like not saying the things that you have the right to say. We talked about this. So I'm just reminding you. And then there's woe, WHOY, working hard on yourself. Continuously improving emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. Because effective people don't just manage time better, they manage themselves better. And that's where today's lesson comes full circle. People are watching us. They're watching your marriage, your health, your work ethic, your character, they're watching your discipline. They watch how you respond under pressure. Whether you realize it or not, man, your life is sending an ocular message. The question isn't whether you're a preacher, because I'm not. The question is whether your example agrees with your message. What is your life preaching? Because your children are listening. Your spouse is listening. Your co-workers are listening. Your family and friends, I promise you, they're listening. And your habits are speaking louder than your mouth ever will. I'm telling you what I know. Don't tell me what you believe. Show me your habits. Because your life is already preaching its first sermon. Or should I say you're already preaching your first sermon and you're not even a pastor? You get what I'm saying? I mean, when you but your eyes are delivering the message. This is Second Win with K.R. Henderson. You're not late. You're assigned.