Day 20: You Don't Realize How Heavy It Is Until You Put It Down

One year after closing my business, I finally realized just how much weight I'd been carrying.

Today's episode begins with another beautiful letter from Rebecca's "Love Letter Project"—this one written to her father during his recovery from heart surgery. It's a heartfelt reminder of how love is often found in ordinary moments and lifelong memories.

From there, I reflect on something very personal. Yesterday marked one year since I publicly announced the closing of The Dough Hook Meat Market. Looking back over the past 365 days, I realized just how much has changed—not only in my life, but in me.

Sometimes we carry burdens for so long that they begin to feel normal. We don't realize how heavy they are until we finally set them down.

In this episode, I share what I've learned about letting go, finding peace, strengthening my faith, spending time with family, and discovering that some endings quietly make room for a better beginning.

If you've ever walked away from something you poured your heart into, I hope this conversation reminds you that healing often comes one day—and one decision—at a time.

♥️

Transcript

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Good morning, everyone. Welcome to another edition of 10 Unedited Minutes with Marlena. It is Thursday, July 16th. I truly feel like our summer is halfway over, and that makes me sad. Summer is one of my favorite seasons of the year because I like to be warm. Um today's episode and this whole podcast actually is sponsored by my dear friend Rebecca Conklin Conklin Kleibomer. I'll get this shit out of my mouth today, Rebecca. And uh Rebecca agreed to sponsor my podcast because she loves me, she loves the work I'm doing here, and she supports it. So if you want to sponsor, um, I am looking for another sponsor in about a month. I it's a simple $25 a month, and that basically covers my subscription to Buzz Sprout. So Rebecca has agreed to sponsor for two months. And as a thank you for that, we took 60 episodes and we are honoring Rebecca with each one of those episodes. So at the beginning of each episode, I either share a memory or just love on her a little bit. And yesterday I started a series within a series. And um that is Rebecca back in February of 2017 took the entire month and dedicated each day to write a love letter. And I saved each one of those love letters with the intention of putting them in a book someday. And so I'm going to read each one of those love letters today and for the next 26 days. So today's love letter from Rebecca was written on February 2nd, and it says, Dear Daddy, your heart has been foremost on my mind for a month now. You've been in the hospital and rehab center and back to the hospital as medical professionals poke and prod and pill you into better health following a valve replacement surgery. This big heart and this big chest pumping blood through this big man. This little girl has been praying for your heart in your body because this little girl knows the heart in your soul. When I close my eyes and listen to my heart, the sounds of the beeping and worrying hospital machines fade away, and the sounds of my childhood and you being my father float into my consciousness. A stride that takes three of my steps to keep up. You're on the move. There's work to be done. You're coming to help me. Ho ha, ho ha, ho ha. The heartiest of laughs, pure merriment and a little orneriness, the punctuation of the happy birthday song that you've been singing to me for more than forty years. Bam bam. The heartbeat of your hammering. One little tap to set the nail, one forceful whack to give that sucker right in. Sorry, to drive that sucker right in. Your oak tree fingers wrapped around the tool, pummeling that nail into the place of your intention. Don't mess with daddy. Rumbling, the sound of the engine in your semi-truck, a great big sound. The only sound big enough to match your strength. The smell of diesel and corn, the zinging fling of stones crunching under the tires as you pull in and out of our big driveway. The sound of your profession, our sustenance, the country's economy, the sound that always makes me think of you. Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Ah. Something delicious is on the stove. You have channeled your grandma Benson. You are stirring something in a pot. After I've done the grunt work of peeling potatoes and watching spinach leaves one by one. So worth it. M Beef, it's what's for dinner. The love of my life has remained both love and in my whole long life, probably because of the homegrown steak you brought to us in college. The absolute pain in the ass of dragging giant buckets of warm formula all the way to the calves in the barn just for them to head butt and kick it all out of the pail is probably why I survived nursing my ever hungry sons on demand without throwing them out a window. There is patience and persistence to be found in raising steers. That's why I love cows, Rebecca. Creak, click, the sound of the doorknob on the door of the garage. I am a child, barefoot, feeling the delightfully cool cement apron while the summer sun blazes down and the breeze sifts the towering maple trees into a symphonic sound all their own. You are behind me, towering over my little braided head, whispering into my ear, righty tidy, lefty Lucy. I hear your voice, I trust your words, the basic wisdom of life that opens doors to garages and to opportunity and to knowledge and to fixing your own problems and to unlocking all the barriers that will ever stand in my way, and I shall knock them all down with the strength of the man who has guided me and taught me and encouraged me into the woman I am today. I'm going to assume those symbols mean fuck. Look at that, Daddy. Turn the air blue. I probably left the garage door open. I love you so much, Daddy. Get well soon. Your whole family loves you, and we are so grateful for all your hard work and all the gifts of time, resources, wisdom, and love that you have given us. Always Rebecca. That is absolutely beautiful. I had to get through that without crying, just so you know. Good job, Rebecca. I love you so much. And that letter is just a little peep into your childhood. And once again, we lived very, very similar childhoods. And that's probably why we are such great friends. So thank you again for sponsoring this podcast. Um, let's get into what we were going to talk about today. So I think I teased this a little bit yesterday after I read Rebecca's first love letter, and that was um yesterday was exactly one year since I announced the closing of the doe hook. And I know that because of my Facebook memories. So on July 15th, um, I put a post out there on Facebook, which means that I had done everything up to that point with my employees and um all the important people before putting it out there to the public. But it seeing that memory on my phone yesterday uh made me reflect over the last year. And it I I did a lot of reflection on the difference, the different Marlena that's sitting here 365 days later than the Marlena that was uh writing that Facebook post 365 days ago. And I'm different. I'm definitely different. And while it hasn't been a full year since I've completely closed my business, it's been a full year since I made that decision. And I think when I made that decision is when a lot of the weight was lifted off my shoulders. As a matter of fact, that very next Sunday I went to church and I told father about it, and he looked right at me and he said, You look lighter. Your face, you look like you feel a lot lighter. And that struck me because you you uh you don't realize how much weight you're carrying until you're not carrying it anymore. Yeah, let me say that again. You don't realize how much weight you're carrying until you don't carry it anymore. And over the last year, I spent a lot of time reflecting uh on my faith, strengthening my faith, strength strengthening my relationships with my family. Um because let's be honest here when you are in business for yourself, um, you have to give up a lot. And some of that means time with your family. And I think that um I did that a lot in the last 12 years, and even before that in my career. So this last these last few months, I'm just really enjoying this time. Yesterday, I went with my daughters and my granddaughter to the pool and literally just floated in that pool all day. We went to the Bluffton pool up here, and I am so grateful they allow floaties because I took a small one. I wanted to bring my big old one, but I didn't think that that would look right. And so the small one I just was able to put one end under my head, one end under my feet, and I just floated. And you guys, that was the absolute best feeling in the world. And I was thinking yesterday while I was floating in that pool, um, a year ago, well, a year ago in the beginning of July, my family took a vacation to Florida and we rented an Airbnb with a pool, and I floated in that pool, and I remember floating in that pool a year ago, and that's that's kind of was the turning point of me really taking notice and really making that decision to give up my uh business when I was like I was not able to relax in that pool. I was sitting there, a drink in my hand, warm sun on my face, everything around me was exactly what I wanted to be doing, was everything was my favorite things, my family was around me, and I could not relax. And I said, that's it. That's it. And I've always said, since the very first job that left me go because my daughter was sick, I've always said that when a job begins to interfere with your family, it's time to give it up. And I made a lot of sacrifices while owning the doe hook in terms of my family, but I'm done with that. Now, if my kids want to go, my kids, my 20-year-old kids want to go to the pool on a Wednesday afternoon, we're gonna go to the pool on a Wednesday afternoon, and I'm gonna spend that time with my granddaughter. I, oh my gosh, I'm I could cry. It was so fun. She would jump off the side of the pool. My granddaughter's really starting to find her way in water. She can't swim yet, but last summer she was terrified. She would only go in ankle deep. And this summer, that girl is jumping into the five foot deep end with an inner tube around her waist into my arms and just loving every minute of it. And she was floating too yesterday, just not a care in the world, floating around. And yeah, it was a great day. So I'm still working on myself. I still think I have some a ways to go, but Marlena a year ago versus Marlena today is a very different person, a lot more relaxed, a lot more faithful, and yeah. And I can't wait to see Marlena in another year because I really think it's gonna be nothing but up from here. I hope so. I hope so. So huh. We actually kept this episode within 10 minutes today. So we're gonna cut it there. And I love you guys, Rebecca. I love you so much. Reading these letters, the second letter today. I felt like I was reading a letter of my own father. So that was beautiful. It was absolutely beautiful. I almost started crying, but I held it together. I love you so much. Thank you for sponsoring me. Thank you guys for listening to me and supporting me. And um pray for me. I will pray for you, and we'll see you tomorrow, guys. Bye.