Miranda Lee Podcast | Love Fiercely. Land Softly
Miranda Lee is a just turned 40 year old, mom, wife, woman of disability, entrepreneur, writer, speaker and mentor who guides her community to find joy and peace in the ride of life, while learning love, connection and acceptance with all their parts.
She has learnt that her burnout, struggles, story and her emotions are her 'super power' and shares her experiences, health journey and life lessons in a vulnerable, authentic, heart led way. Normalizing and advocating to love fiercely and allowing curiosity, compassion, held space and community to land softly.
Miranda Lee has spent the last decade unlearning perfectionism, shifting from a life of burnout, and reconnecting with her body, heart compass and intuition. She speaks to her journey of inner work, playing the cards life dealt, and how she has positively shifted her personal, family and professional life to be slower, more aligned and more holistic.
Her clients and followers are supported through her writing, speaking, 1:1 mentorship and healing, as well as leading retreats and workshops, sharing tools to own their power, connect with their heart and be their most authentic selves to align with living a beautiful life.
It is here, on this podcast, she continues to advocate and build a community that loves fiercely, to allow everyone to land softly. Normalizing the ride of good times and hard chapters, and allowing intuitive shifts that bring you exactly to where you are meant to be.
Join the journey as she speaks from her heart, and with beautiful people who have walked her path along side her or have their own stories to share.
Kinesiologist/Exercise Physiologist, Yoga Teacher, Postnatal Fitness Specialist, Angel & Holy Fire Reiki Master, Somatic Experiencing, Transformational Breathwork Coach, Kundalini Yoga, Holistic Health & Life Coach, Holistic Youth Wellness Mentor
Miranda Lee Podcast | Love Fiercely. Land Softly
She Thought She'd Do Cancer First | An Intimate Survivors Story
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Guest Interview!
An intimate conversation with Kelsey Craig, a client and dear friend of Miranda's, as they dive into her very personal and intimate journey of long standing symptoms that eventually led to a diagnosis, treatment and now life beyond 'High Grade Papillary Urothelial Carcinoma' (Stage 1 Bladder Cancer) at the young age of 27!
So many take aways and heart warming messages (and validation) from Kelsey's story and amazing interview, including:
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS IS A PERSONAL STORY ON AN EXPERIENCE WITH A CANCER DIAGNOSIS, TREATMENT, AND THE VERY PERSONAL DETAILS AND EXPERIENCES. THIS IS NOT INTENDED FOR ANY MEDICAL ADVISE, AND IS SIMPLY TO SHARE A SOULS JOURNEY.
- Age is just a number- When the reality of facing a health concern approaches you so early in life
- The Lense Change- How the way you navigate and view life changes in a beautiful way after walking hard lines with life and health
- Navigating it All- From normalizing and downplaying symptoms, carrying shame of feeling like you 'did something wrong', disconnecting from your body and putting on a smile
- Advocating for Self- When you have had enough of the symptoms, need someone to belief you, GOOGLE for your own answers, and hope things will be 'bad enough' to get an answer and taken seriously
- Diagnosis- The vulnerability with self in facing reality and being emotional, facing medical procedures, and being 'rare' in the age and condition you are facing (and almost the one they will get answers from)
- Balance- The hard walk of being friends with sarcasm, positivity but also needing to connect and feel realism about your situation. Feeling it all, thinking it all, and coming back to the now.
- Keeping some Normal- Moving through your treatment options, your privacy and sharing, keeping some normalcy, accepting support, and sitting in your pity while also trying to be 'normal'
- Meeting Others- The balance of privacy and sharing the news, others opinions and comments, stupid comments that aren't meant to be ignorant, and keeping the 'elephant in the room' not the topic of all conversations
- Life on the Other Side- What changes in your relationship with self, views on life and how you move through your day, self care, and relationships with others, in marriage, and boundaries.
- Community- The importance of having the people who can support you, keep things easy and normal, and relatable community that is on a similar standpoint, treatment approach and headspace. How its great to have others walking the same path, and also keeping distance if its creating fear and negativity.
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Welcome to the Miranda Lee Podcast. A life fully lived embraces every season, the highs and the lows. Allowing ourselves to love fiercely, feel our feelings, and trust to land softly. This is a heartled space created for just that. Deep, vulnerable conversations, connections, learning to unlearn, become part of a beautiful community while growing and healing right alongside me. Because everything is easier with support and lived experiences shared with the right kind of people. Let's step off autopilot, get a little uncomfortable, take a breath, and dive right in. All right, welcome to this episode. I'm joined today by one of my clients and friends, Kelsey. Um, Kelsey is here to chat about her journey and the many pieces of it through her health journey and just where that lands her in life, what she's learned. Um, how long have I known you for?
SPEAKER_03Oh, I think it'll be we just chatted about this too.
SPEAKER_01Two years this fall, I think. Two years. Yeah. And yeah, I get the privilege to um just support Kelsey in her health and wellness journey in my studio and my group training. And yeah, I'm really grateful for the friendship that's blossomed and and the ways that we can support each other. So awesome. We're wired similar. I always love relatable wiring. So yeah, welcome to my podcast. And yeah, let us know who you are, where you're at, whatever you feel you want to share.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So I'm Kelsey. Um, I'm in my 30s now, which is exciting. Um, we'll get into all of that, but I never really thought that I would reach my 30s. So that's kind of a big thing for me.
SPEAKER_01That's a huge holy shit.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. Never really thought that that would be my reality, that that could be my reality. Um, but yeah, no.
SPEAKER_01It's a little bit of a like, I remember that same feeling, but it's just like a I guess, what did it teach you before we dive into your story? But like, what does someone essentially being like, we don't know the outcome? Which I always remind myself, like, we don't. We don't know the outcome. No, but you always think that like problems come later. Yeah. I don't know why that's so ingrained, but it's like, oh, health stuff, that's a later in life problem.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. Yeah. No, that's like after I've got grandkids and everything. That's when that's coming up. Yeah. Not right after you get married.
SPEAKER_01Okay. So, yeah, what lens, I guess, lead us up to that. Sure, sure.
SPEAKER_03I always start uh my story. I've shared it a couple times. I always start it with a trigger warning. Uh oh. Because I speak a lot about my symptoms um and medical procedures leading into it. Um, I'm really open and honest about my story because I feel like my purpose for being diagnosed with this was to share with other people. Yes. And hopefully help them walk through their own journey. So, yes, I spent a lot of my 20s um feeling like shit, if I'm being really honest. Um, after high school, I didn't do the traditional road, I didn't go to university. And I connected with my husband at the time, um, right out of high school. And I just really was trying to find myself and who I was. Didn't know what I wanted to do for work, didn't know where I wanted to live, none of it. Um, and throughout all of it, I always struggled with my health, which was such a big thing, and it always pulled me back home. Every time I tried to move or make a big change in my life, I was always drawn to stay close to home. Um, so that's that's what I did.
SPEAKER_01I stayed close to home. Where do you think that comes from? Have you sat with that?
SPEAKER_03I have, and I haven't quite figured out why I was always drawn back to the battlefirds and and being close to my people. But yeah, no, I'm very grateful that it did bring me back to where I was for sure.
SPEAKER_01Now it's like, thank you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, right. Yeah, I couldn't imagine not having my support system this close to me. Yeah. Like, yeah, I couldn't imagine. But yeah, no, I suffered with um a lot of UTIs in my 20s. And a lot of just it was a me problem that I was doing something wrong.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, I didn't use the right soap or I didn't wear the right underwear or you know, all those stupid things that are not actually your fault. Yeah. Um, yeah, and I just spent a lot of my life on antibiotics at that point. Ugh, yeah. And if I'm being honest, in my 20s, I actually wished and hoped for an antibiotic when I would go to the doctor because it was an easy fix.
SPEAKER_01It was also like in the moment an answer, yeah, a sigh of relief.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, 100%.
SPEAKER_01Um, and isn't it really essentially what Western medicine teaches us though, too? Yes, yes. Like I remember going through I went through the UTI shit too. And oh my god, it's never an answer. No, like ever. And we've had this chat, we've had this UTI chat so many times. So many. I can't remember what we said the other day, but it was like, got a bladder infection. Oh my gosh, cranberry juice. Let me tell you all the way.
SPEAKER_03D Maddows hit that shit up exactly, and that's the other thing too that I really am frustrated that isn't spoken about is women's health, even like at a young age. Because just because something is experienced normally in your 40s or your 50s doesn't mean it can't happen in your 20s or your 30s.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and why do we feel like it's a me problem, though, too? You know, like when your body has stuff coming up, you instantly meet yourself with like, what did I do?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I remember asking myself, like, why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I be like everybody else? Why did I have these issues? I felt like it was just me. And now the more open that I get with my journey, I'm learning it wasn't just me. We just didn't talk about it. Nobody talked about it.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. When you say wasn't just you, is that like family or is that like friends?
SPEAKER_03Family, friends, like just and just everyone.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Everybody that talks to me, they're like, Oh yeah, I experienced that too. Well, why why didn't I know that? Why didn't we speak about any of this? You know? Like even my my family, my aunts, my mom, you know, we just don't speak about those things. Right now I'm grateful. Yes. I think that's being more normalized too much. I think so, right? I think so.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. I remember, thankfully, I had a friend who was a little bit more holistic. And like, I'm not even joking. Three times I went in, like, blood in my urine. Yes, my urine, my urine, and antibiotic didn't fix it. Yep. Antibiotic didn't fix it, antibiotic, and I was like, whoa, like, whoa. Yeah. And yeah, it was like Epsom salts. And then you start doing, I'm sure you were the same, doing your own research of like, okay, how do I not band-aid this? Yeah. But like root problem. A little bit. That's the thing. Yes. And in saying that though, I feel like sometimes when you get to the root, then there's a like, okay, I'ma be a little honest with myself. I could have been supporting myself better here and here. But oh, that's the woman shame cycle though, too. Because it ever, oh, you should, I don't know what it is.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's it's frustrating though when you look back and you go, That I should have never got to this point in my journey. I should have been taken seriously when I had these issues.
SPEAKER_01Or there should have been a why is this always happening? Exactly. Rather than a uh Yeah. So you were facing that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like religiously. I would say if I didn't have three UTIs in a year, I didn't have any. And that was like for 10 years, that was my life.
SPEAKER_01And so do you feel like it just became normalized? Oh 100%.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it was just like clockwork. I was due for another round of antibiotics. So it was just okay, well, here's another round of whatever he wanted to give me at the time. And you just you took it because that was your only answer.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Unfortunately.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Ugh.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So and I got married. So I had a bunch of UTIs. And then I got married. And and it got better over that time, but I don't know if it actually did or if my mind was just focused on something different. Because I really I remember my wedding day as feeling really awful. I felt terrible on my wedding day. And I remember going to eat supper, and I was so exhausted I could have had a nap. Like I needed a nap just to get through the next whatever was coming up during the wedding day. And I felt terrible. I felt really terrible. So I was just one foot in front of the other getting through the day. Even looking back at some of my pictures, it's like, oh yeah, you were really just smiling through it right there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Isn't that amazing? I'm sorry. Not that men aren't resilient, but isn't it incredible? It's a like gift and a curse how we can put on our strong face and our mask and and honestly try to disconnect from our body. I feel like that's a female flex, menstrual cramps.
SPEAKER_03All the things like all the freaking things. All the things. Yeah. And it's not just one week out of your month that you feel like crap and have to sit with all of it. Every week there's something different that you're going through.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03That's wild.
SPEAKER_01Oh, exhausting. Yeah. Oof. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03On your wedding day, hey. Yeah. And then I just I felt better. I don't know if it again was just like emotional excitement.
SPEAKER_00What a bliss, maybe.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Like we went to BC for our honeymoon and I felt great. We were hiking, we were doing all the things. Um, even going to Christmas that year, totally fine, no issues. And then we started having the conversation about kids and when should we start doing some family planning? Um, and I figured, you know, let's let's revisit it in the spring. I want to really make sure that I'm healthy and I'm good to go. And how wild is it that yes, I was blessed with another UTI um early in the year, and this one was very different. Um, there was no ignoring this one, it was intense. I remember peeing like 27 times in a day. Like that's not normal. When you stop and think about how many times you actually go right now in your life, 27's pretty crazy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, and the pain. Oh my god, the pain. And it just felt like my bladder prolapsed every time I went to the bathroom. Like every time.
SPEAKER_01And like I'm gonna say I never had a UTI or bladder infection until um until I was in my current health situation. And like they are ridiculously uncomfortable and painful and so for yeah, and I'm like sitting here being like, okay, you had normalized this. This was just a part of your day, which I imagine is probably like that intense one. So for you to say, my body was just like, holy shit, how bad was it?
SPEAKER_03Because oh yeah, like I can remember the the day that I started noticing blood in my urine. I remember it, of course. Like that's that's trauma. That's traumatic when you see it. Um, but I remember that night, it was like 2:30 in the morning. I remember full-on gripping the countertops just to try and go pee because I was in so much pain and I passed the biggest clot of blood. And that was my my tipping point. It was like, okay, so fuck this. This has been now that would have been my fourth round of antibiotics at that point. Back to back to back. So, not to mention my gut was not happy with me at all. Um, I I was done. I was tapped out, I was exhausted. I wasn't sleeping because I was up like every hour, every two hours to go pee. Um, plus the worry, I'm sure. Oh, and I was miserable, of course, because I'm not sleeping. I feel like shit, I'm getting no answers.
SPEAKER_01And just when it's your body and it's like, uh nope, yeah, you're not going to be able to ignore this situation. Yeah, that's so hard to be in. Plus, the I've been there with the like feeling ignored. Yes. Or feeling dismissed. I feel like.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I didn't want it to be anything big, I didn't want it to be anything scary. So I kept just minimizing all of my symptoms and everything. And you know, it's oh, it's not that bad. It's not that bad.
SPEAKER_01That probably worked for you though, up until this point.
SPEAKER_03It did, yeah.
SPEAKER_01No, like it was downplay, downplay, downplay.
SPEAKER_03100%. That's how I got through my days every single day.
SPEAKER_01It was like your survival.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and it was like, oh, today was better than yesterday, so I must be getting better. It's fine. We're moving forward. Um, but yeah, no, when I went to the doctor this last time, I actually, when I passed the blood clot, my first thought was to go and get my phone and take a picture because I was tired of being dismissed. Yes. So I went with the proof this time. Isn't that wild how people I've done that? Like, but why should I have to get to that point? Right. Like, that's crazy. I'm I'm not four. I know that there's something wrong with me. You know? Did you go to a merge? No. I waited the next morning. I went to my doctor. Um, thankfully, this all happened like early Sunday morning. So I only had another day before I could go to my regular doctor. But I had to go for a urinalysis, and uh, I was handed a red solo cup to do my urine sample in. And uh the color of my urine matched the outside of the cup. And it was terrifying.
SPEAKER_01Um, but was a was a little part of you like K good.
SPEAKER_03Honestly, I thanked my body so much for doing that when I was in the office because I felt like nobody believed me.
SPEAKER_01It was like proof.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I remember the nurse practitioner just looking at the urine and going, Well, I don't need to test this for blood. Um, but this this can't be good. No shit. Thank you very much.
SPEAKER_01Um, yeah. There's like I don't know if you felt this, but I remember feeling like almost a can it be bad enough so that we can at least dig or find an answer to explain this, which is a really ooh, when I think about even I've had that thought. And then to say it out loud, like, can something get this bad that I then get help? Ooh.
SPEAKER_03I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting for him to come in and just hoping that something was bad enough for him to send me for further testing. And I remember before I went to that appointment, I had actually been, of course, Googling all night because there's something wrong with me.
SPEAKER_01And it's it's it's like the worst.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Oh yeah, like I don't recommend Googling that at all because that's it's not a good outcome. Um, but I came across bladder stones as something that is a possibility. And you're like, let it be this. Okay, it has to be that. I've got all those symptoms. So I mentioned this blood clot. I showed him the picture, I mentioned bladder stones. Yeah, okay, maybe we could go for an ultrasound. Sure, let's do that. I left that room and I was so excited. I was like, yes, thank you. We're gonna go for an ultrasound. Little did I know that that was gonna rock my world in 10 days. I had no idea what was waiting for me. Um, I remember going to the ultrasound and I was so excited because there was no needles involved with this appointment. I don't handle needles well, so I was excited. Um, and I remember chatting with the tech while she was doing my ultrasound and we were chatting, she was smiling, she was just bubbly, and then all of a sudden her face changed and she just went stone cold. And then she stopped responding and she just quietly dismissed herself from the room, didn't say bye, nothing, oh my god, just walked out, and it was like, okay, well, I guess we're done, and then I'm gonna move on. Um, yeah, I didn't think anything of it. I thought, well, surely she would say something if you know I needed to go to the hospital or something was really wrong, so it couldn't have been that bad. And then yeah, the next morning, 6 30 in the morning, I get a phone call from my doctor from his personal cell phone, and he left a voicemail on my phone that said he needed to see me. Yeah, that can't be good, right? It wasn't, it wasn't good.
SPEAKER_01I'm also like sad that you just had to wonder. Yeah, right? Like from your appointment.
SPEAKER_03There was no closure, there was no like, oh, it's no fucking wonder we Google. What else was I gonna do? Yeah, yeah, brutal. So yeah, and then of course, after I got the voicemail, I made the mistake of checking my e-health by myself in the back end because I needed to know. I needed to know what I was gonna be going into. I didn't want to be blindsided, I needed to process this. Yeah, and yeah, so I opened my e-health, and there it was in big bold letters that I had a tumor in my bladder. And it was like, okay. How when did that get there? How did that get there? I had so many questions.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_03I still don't have those answers, but did it help?
SPEAKER_01Did it okay? Were you glad that you looked at it beforehand?
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah, 100%.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah. So I went to the doctor's office and he told me that yeah, there's a tumor. Um, it's likely benign. You're far too young. Um, you're not a smoker, you weren't exposed to heavy chemicals. I'm not worried. You're gonna go for a surgery, but it's gonna be fine. No big deal. Completely downplayed it for me. So I believe it a bit. So yes, I went uh, I then you know had to go home and wait for my my surgery date. And uh two weeks later I was booked in for my first surgery and we went. And surgery went well. Um they just like uh, you know, oh I guess I had to go for my systoscopy first before we moved into um a surgery, which also systoscopies are terrifying. And again, nobody prepared me for what I was going into. Imagine that. I just got a piece of paper in the mail that said, Yep, here's your cystoscopy time and date and where you're going. Um, and just to come prepared, like drink lots of water, and that's it. That's all it told me. So I went for my cystoscopy and I immediately was met with the kindest nurse. I will never forget her. Um, and she took me back and she handed me this robe and some like surgical booties, and she said, Okay, you gotta put these on. And I was like, What? I have to do what? Yeah, we have to go in the OR for what? Nobody told me we were going there. Immediately panicked, immediately. I thought, like, I didn't sign up for that, I didn't agree to that. Am I having the surgery today? What is happening? It was awful, it was awful, and that's why I think I I'm so open and talk about it now because I don't want somebody else to have that same experience.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_03But yeah, I remember the waiting room I sat with a whole bunch of older men. They were all sitting there for their appointments, and every time I go, it's always men now, always. Um, but I remember being walked back to the OR uh and this nurse, I now call her Auntie because we've seen each other so often. She escorted me down the hallway, down the OR hallway. And I remember it being bright and cold, and my feet felt incredibly heavy walking down this hallway. And I got halfway there and I froze. And she kept walking because it's just a normal day for her, so she kept going.
SPEAKER_02For sure.
SPEAKER_03She walked into the OR and I wasn't with her. So she came back and she found me, and I was having an absolute breakdown in the middle of the hallway.
SPEAKER_01How old were you? Oh, I would have been 27. The start of your journey was 27. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Sorry.
SPEAKER_01I was just like, oh, win. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah. So she came and met me and gave me a big hug and told me it was gonna be okay. Oh, and she told me the one line that I didn't realize was gonna stick with me throughout my whole journey. And she said, This isn't gonna be fun. She's like, This isn't a fun test. This is scary. Everything from this point on is scary, it's terrifying, but you're gonna have to learn how to do it scared. So let's go do it scared. And she grabbed my hand and walked me to the bar. And so now every time I've got these appointments or I've got treatment or whatever, I just do it scared because I don't have a choice. That's that's my reality. I have to figure out how to do it. So yeah, I got through my first systoscopy. I had the kindest urologist, he was amazing. He walked me through everything while I was on the OR table, though. Like, could somebody not have called me ahead of time?
SPEAKER_01I was just talking to another friend of mine who just went through a procedure too, and it's like, I think it's underestimated. Sorry, as someone especially who never really had medical procedures, like the violence. Vulnerability that comes with any medical procedure, let alone like when there's sedation. Yeah. And um I know I would love to talk to a nurse about this too. Cause I they've I have spoken to some who are like, yeah, it's very vulnerable. And yes, like after there can be huge emotions.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01And then in my somatic work and the work that I've done, it's just like your body literally doesn't have a way to stand up or speak or any of that during no control. So it's huge. And so, and this isn't like I'm not shaming anybody, but that is someone's I show up for work and do to do to do. Yeah. But for yeah, just for someone who is new and unfamiliar and moving through something scared, that's so fucking vulnerable. Yeah, huge. Like even laying on the table, let alone having a conversation about anything. Right. My Tim Hortons order would feel vulnerable as fuck. Like in those situations.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, you were I, you know, I laid on the OR table, the big, big ass lights come over my head, all of a sudden I've got things ripping in front of me and off of me and into me, and it was just like, okay, I this just seems normal, I guess. And I think one of the most traumatic things about that appointment was the fact that I had big screen TVs that I could watch what was happening to me right inside my head. You were awake the whole time? I was awake the whole time.
SPEAKER_01Holy shit.
SPEAKER_03Did you want to be? Not at that point. No. I do am completely awake. Um, I only have local anesthetics, so it's just like numbing gel. Just like an average catheter, but like think metal straw. It's just not fun, it's not comfortable. It's so necessary for my care, but yeah, I didn't realize that I was also gonna be able to watch this camera in my bladder. Oh dear god.
SPEAKER_01So I've been an observer in surgeries in the beginning of my career, and like I almost fainted. I had to actually sit on the floor because I was like, whoa.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_01Just that, oh, that's that's like a human being who's going through this, and like um to me, someone who doesn't work in ORs, it looks like they're just working on a garage project with the same tools. Like I can't imagine physically it being my body that's going through weird experience. And also, as a woman who uses a catheter, you and I've had this chat, but like I can only imagine metal straw is probably the best explanation.
SPEAKER_03It really is, it really is. There's no um, there's no comfortable way to have a cystoscopy done. There really isn't. Um, yeah, I don't remember watching the screens too much because of course I was still just processing that I'm laying on this OR table. And by the time I had time to think about what was going on, we were done. We were done moving on from the sister. I was then told, yep, you need a surgery. It's gonna be alright. One of us will take care of you. You're an urgent case now. Um still didn't give me any insight of what kind of tumor I'm dealing with, if it was benign, if it was cancerous, nothing.
SPEAKER_01You needed to Google it.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I'm just did I ever did I ever and I probably did Google as soon as I left.
SPEAKER_01Oh because yeah, what in the world? Like, don't Google. But Google. Exactly. I once wore I once wore a shirt that said adrenal leuko dystrophy, Google it. And then after I like printed it and like had shared it with my community for ALD, I was instantly like, ooh, but I shouldn't have Googled it. Yeah, right. But also, fuck, that's where you get all of the information. Take and leave what you want, meet it with what you want. But like I remember like it was like possibly MS, possibly this, possibly this. And then it's like it can range from this to basically being a body that someone's to oh yeah.
SPEAKER_03So it gives you the confidence though to back yourself up in asking for these things. Yes. When you've got other people speaking about them, you're going, yeah, that could be me. So yeah, we should do this, and I'm not gonna let it not happen.
SPEAKER_01And I think in fairness, and I've I know I've spoken to this, but it lets your brain's gonna go there anyways. Oh, a hundred. So it lets you almost go, okay, how far do I need to go into panic? Yeah. And then I'll come back. Which is like I'm sure what you learnt too. Yes. But it's like Google, give me the options so my brain can quit coming up with its own scenario.
SPEAKER_03Exactly, please. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01So that I can just yeah, accept whatever.
SPEAKER_03So you didn't find out. I had no idea. I had no idea what I was dealing with until I had my surgery. I had no clue.
SPEAKER_01How what was the time difference between those?
SPEAKER_03I think there was there was less than 10 days between my sister and my surgery because my case was so urgent. Um, so whoever could take me in under their wing as their patient took me. So I went in for my surgery and I didn't actually meet the person who was going to be performing my surgery until 30 seconds before I was put in the OR room. Um, which was a little bit traumatic for me to not know this person, not have a relationship with them and build that trust. It was just in that moment I had to trust that he knew what he was doing, that I was in good hands, and that everything was gonna be okay. Um, which is also something he reassured me of. He said, you know, he sees this all the time. It's gonna be simple, it's gonna be nothing. Um, we're just gonna remove it, you're gonna recover, and then you're gonna come see me in six months, and we'll make sure everything is healed.
SPEAKER_01Um, I was just gonna ask, where were you? So you're newly married? Yeah. So you're newly married. Were you working at the time? Oh yeah, I haven't stopped working. Oh yeah. Okay. And so did your life change at all at this point? Or were you just kind of like, I'm gonna keep my life the exact fucking same. Yeah, I'm gonna do this stupid shit, yep, and then move on.
SPEAKER_03Yep. But when I would go home, it felt like the world was moving at warp speed around me and everything else was standing still inside my four walls. Everything stood still for me.
SPEAKER_00In a good way, a bad way.
SPEAKER_03It got really dark and really heavy waiting for for the answers. And I remember, thank God for my poor mom, but she called me every day, and there were times that I would just cry because it's like, why is this happening? Yeah, if he would have listened to me earlier, I wouldn't be in this situation, you know. Yeah, my doctors would have just trusted that I I knew something was wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be here. Um, so yeah, the the time between surgery and getting the phone call with the diagnosis was heavy, very heavy.
SPEAKER_01Oh, what was the timeline? Do you remember?
SPEAKER_03I think there was like 11 days or so.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, it was big.
SPEAKER_03It was a big difference.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I've gone seven for my son's well fuck. I guess I went 60 days almost for genetic testing, 30 days maybe. And yeah, gross. Yeah. And then like a week for MRI results every time for my son. Yes. And seven days felt a long time.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And it gets harder and harder the more days go by. Because it's like, I think your brain, I don't know, my brain always goes, oh no. It does two things. It goes, fuck did they forget?
SPEAKER_03Literally.
SPEAKER_01Always. Yeah. I always think that must be a trauma. Fuck did they forget? Or oh, is it that bad? Yeah. And I all I've said this before too, but why doesn't our brain go best case scenario?
SPEAKER_00Right?
SPEAKER_01Oh, so yeah, it was a wait. It was a wait, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And my mom bless her. She tried to tell me like it it would be worse if they called you right away. Yeah. So it's it's gonna be okay. Everything's fine. They're just trying to figure out how and why and all the things. Um, so I really hung on to that for a couple of days. Um, and then I got my phone call. And unfortunately, it is not like the movies where they sit you down in an office and tell you hold your hand. Um, I had a 37-second phone call from my specialist to tell me. And I remember every word he said to me, every word. And it was just the most the fastest rambled mess that you could ever put in a phone call.
SPEAKER_01It was just like and the whole world around you stops, literally. And yet everything feels so big. It did. Is that kind of it did? I'm just going back to like remembering ca fuck. I remember that everything also, right? Same as you. Is it a trauma?
SPEAKER_03I think so. I think so. I mean, every time I see that phone number come up on my phone, it's like no, thank you. I'm not gonna answer that. That can go to voicemail.
SPEAKER_01It's never anything serious now, it's just calling to schedule an appointment, but But it's still a I feel like it's still a reminder though that you're still in that. Are you still in that journey? Oh yes. I know we'll get there, but yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it was um and yeah, I remember like he just rambled and he never said the word cancer to me when he was on that phone call with me. It was just we got your pathology results back, came back higher grade than we anticipated. We're gonna have to do another surgery, you're likely gonna need treatment. Um, I wanna see you like within the next month for your second surgery. Just rambled all through it and then goes, Do you have any questions for me? Like questions? I can't even process the first word you said in this phone call.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03So again, here I am waiting to see when I'm going for another another surgery. Nobody told me what to expect again in between those surgeries. Um, I also got to come home with a catheter after both of my surgeries, which I didn't know about until I woke up from surgery, which I wish somebody would have prepared me for that. Um so yeah, I had just nicely gotten off of my catheter, and then four days later I was back in the OR for my second surgery. So it was just a constant, a constant battle of having this stupid thing connected to me.
SPEAKER_01And just like I think the not knowing to like what's next and what's next, and did it did that all go really fast?
SPEAKER_03It felt like it went fast, but yet I still had, you know, 10 days between this, 10 days between that. It still was probably a month in between my first pathology report to my last. Um, to which, yeah, three years ago today I got the phone call that said, Shut up! My pathology was um was clean. They got good margins, everything was good. There were no um no cells in my body anymore, which was really cool. Finally, a really exciting phone call. It was awesome until he told me I had to go for treatment. But it was awesome. Oh yes.
SPEAKER_01I know because it I remember I do remember you you saying that yeah, you thought you were like off the hook.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, oh yeah, because I'm like, oh, clear margins. Heck yeah, we're moving on.
SPEAKER_01And that was after the surgery.
SPEAKER_03That was my second one, yeah. My second surgery. Yeah. Yeah. And now, like, now I know lots of the details about my surgeries. Um, I was hard to intubate my first surgery. Um, so a 25-minute procedure turned into almost three hours, which traumatized my poor husband.
SPEAKER_01I was just, I was just gonna ask, yeah, how is your husband on the other end of that?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, not great. It wasn't great.
SPEAKER_01Oof.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he had um, he has a lot of his own memories from that day. Yeah. Um, and he remembers every detail as well. So we were both very present in what was happening. Um, but my second surgery brought my dad with me, and I said it was for me, but ultimately it was for my poor husband who needed the support to sit in that waiting room with him. Um, but yeah, when I woke up from my second surgery, I had both of the main guys in my life waiting for me. They both greeted me, um, wheeled me out of the hospital, and we were good to go. We were living because we were done with this, we were not coming back. Um, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Where does this leave you? Like, what comes over a person when you're like, here's the diagnosis? And I I honestly, we haven't gotten into what the type of cancer that you had, and you don't need to necessarily dive into it, but like, what did you find out in Googling? And like, what were there timelines, or like, oh yeah, where does this land you big time?
SPEAKER_03So nobody ever outright told me um what stage I was at, what cancer it was. I had to find that out on e health. I opened up my e-health, um, and of course it's all in Dr. Lingo, so it was a T1 high grade urolhelial carcinoma, and to me that was like okay, uh, what's that? Yeah. So I Googled that, and it's uh stage one bladder cancer, and it 79% curable. I was like, well, that's a bogus number.
SPEAKER_01And is it is it one that's common for women or like no, not at all.
SPEAKER_03Not at all. I was definitely the anomaly in that I uh held the title of the youngest bladder cancer patient in Saskatchewan.
SPEAKER_01Uh, welcome to the zebra club. Right?
SPEAKER_03The like rarities. Yes. Yeah. Well, yeah, it was a club I didn't want to be in.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, nobody wants to be part of the zebra club.
SPEAKER_03Now that I was there, it was like, okay, well then let's just deal with it. Let's just move forward and and do that. Um, so I learned through through that that my tumor was also the size of a golf ball. Um, and your bladder, just for visual purposes, is about the size of an orange. So you can imagine how much room that explains the pissing 2017. Everything, yeah. And feeling like everything was falling out of my body.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because I my body was trying to push out this foreign object that didn't need to be there. So a lot of it made sense. Um, but it was still very like nobody gave me any guidance after the diagnosis. It was just here you go. Um, I remember getting a piece of mail and it had a pamphlet in it, um, and it was for bladder cancer patients. And I remember being so angry with this pamphlet because it was just old people on this pamphlet. Just old people. There's a picture of a nice little old man on the front looking so chipper, and all it told you was the symptoms of the cancer. It did not tell you what what you're gonna experience now, what treatment you're gonna go into. It didn't talk to any of that. So it was still just a big question mark of what my life was gonna look like, how long I was gonna be here. Um, nobody knew that. Nobody had any answers because it was so rare for me to have that nobody knew. And that's when I started asking the questions about fertility too. Like, is this really gonna affect me? Am I gonna be able to be a mom at some point? And again, nobody knew.
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah. And when it's not when it's something that isn't common, then it is a little bit of like, we'll find out through you. Exactly. And like you tell you very much, very much so. Yeah, no doubt. So in a situation like that, where do you meet yourself in all of this?
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, that was uh a whole new version of myself, a very anxious version that I had never um I had never been. I had never been that anxious in my life. Um, very dark days followed that proceeding. Um, and I chose to not tell many people. I chose to tell, you know, my parents, um, and then I I told my husband's parents, and um, that was it. I just asked them to keep it to themselves because I needed time to process it. I had to figure out what this was gonna look like, how I was gonna move forward, move through this.
SPEAKER_01And is there a part of you in the like, I don't need people to know this? Like, is there a deeper piece to that?
SPEAKER_03Oh, 100%, because my family never spoke about any of their diagnoses leading up to this point in my life. Um, unfortunately, I've had lots of experience with cancer. Um, I lost all three of my grandparents to different forms of cancer, so I was very privy to what that process could look like. Yeah. However, I didn't know what my specific process would look like.
SPEAKER_01And so I like because I love this, there are so many pieces of this that I love, but then I I yeah, I always just wonder like what people's like deep intention is with that, because there is then I instantly, when you say that, and this is probably just um my own stuff, but like if we don't throw it out there, it's the like working on a project and keeping it to yourself so that you don't get input. Yep, because it's almost, I think, like wrapping yourself in this bubble of like this is mine to put whatever energy I want into it, yes, versus oh, like how people meet you. And I have a family member in a very similar version with secrecy about um not secrecy, privacy, yeah, and like holding your own power into what you want to share because it is. It's like I will decide what energy goes into it, however, um, on the flip side of that, does that change how you mourn or grieve or um how you show up, I guess, or how how much support you allow yourself to get, because that is that's the like hard side of that.
SPEAKER_03Is it ever? Um, the amount of opinions that I received as people were starting to learn about my situation was overwhelming.
SPEAKER_02Overwhelming.
SPEAKER_03I had a couple of people who actually told me that I was stupid and crazy for moving forward with treatment and that I should just try herbs. I should just try, I actually had somebody tell me to do ivermectin. Why? Why? And respectfully, if you've never been in the situation where your health is in somebody else's hands who's telling you this is what you should do, this is how I can guarantee the healthiest version of your life, um, you don't know what what that person should do.
SPEAKER_01Well, and when there is that fear, because no matter how you move through it, you have to move through the fear piece. Oh, big time. And that's why, isn't it lovely that you get to make your own choice? But yes, everyone then I think I always remind myself that I think for the most part they're good intentions, yeah. However, oh, that doesn't mean they're wanted. Right, right.
SPEAKER_03And same thing too, like when I speak about having cancer, I then get the feedback of, oh, so-and-so had cancer. I knew them. Oh, yeah, and they're no longer with us. It's like, ooh, thank you for that piece. Um, not necessarily the best way to approach that.
SPEAKER_01That's like talking to a pregnant woman about a miscarriage they had.
SPEAKER_03Exactly, exactly. But so many people do it, and that's their way to be able to do it.
SPEAKER_01It's a relate, yes, it's a relating thing.
SPEAKER_03They're trying to have the compassion for it and trying to let you know that they understand that it's hard without just saying those words.
SPEAKER_01Trying to meet you with it. Yeah. In whatever capacity. Because those are hard things to hold for people, but it's also the like, um, I feel like that was probably that was probably both of us until you've walked through something like that. For sure. But yeah, just like you don't know unless you've walked it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it was and I understood where these people are coming from. You know, they were really just trying to let me know that they felt sorry for me, I guess.
SPEAKER_01Um, did you want that?
SPEAKER_03No, I didn't didn't care for that opinion.
SPEAKER_01Thank you very much. So let's be honest, what would have supported you in those moments?
SPEAKER_03You know, honestly, I had a couple of friends that did it perfectly. Um, they would reach out, uh, just ask how I was feeling, how I was doing. They always checked in on Cameron. They always made sure that he was okay. Um and and they never once just focused on that piece of my life. Yeah. They always asked, you know, how are my dogs? How is our house? What project are we working on?
SPEAKER_01Um, that like, don't talk about the ghost in the room because the ghost takes up a lot of fucking room. Literally. And I have to be friends with that ghost.
SPEAKER_03Literally. You don't have a choice. Yeah. Um, and trust me, I think about it all the time. I don't need you to remind me that it's there and it exists. I I it's already in my mind.
SPEAKER_01I promise it's there. So just like kind of sticking with. The usual.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah. And the way that I would recommend someone showing up for a cancer patient, particularly, is to just show up, but don't expect to be invited in for a visit or a FaceTime call because we're at the most vulnerable stage of our current life. Um, and we don't want you to see that. We don't want you to see us as weak or really ill. Um, for me, that's how I remember a lot of people. If that's the last um encounter I have with them. Um my grandma being one of them, I was very close with her, and my last memory with her is her being very, very weak and fragile and in a hospital bed. And I'm really sad about that. And then my for my Baba, my last memory with her is having fun with her in her her old folks' home because I never visited her in the hospital when she was ill. And I almost prefer to that.
SPEAKER_01Oh, where our mind takes us though, hey? Yeah, I think also, yeah, there's a very when you're grieving about your own situation, there's a piece about sitting in your own pity. Yeah. And like you have to, but that's I was just thinking about that today. There, there's just so much vulnerability in first being vulnerable with yourself because I don't know about you, but like I would cry once in a while, but like I was mostly like, push it down, it'll get better. Yep, if you ignore it, it doesn't exist, right? Exactly, and so oof, to be able to hold space and meet yourself with grief or anger or vulnerability emotionally, it's almost it depends on the day, I think, but like it is a day-to-day journey, isn't it? But then it's like almost nice to just be wrapped in your usual self when you're outside your home.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And that was a big thing for me too, was I didn't want to leave my house because I felt like I had this black cloud above me and everybody was gonna ask me about it and talk to me about it. So I just didn't. My mom would have to drag me for groceries just to get me out of bed. So it was it was a big um, it was a big thing for me to have to overcome. Um, and mental health was not something we talked about because that's not a thing that existed for a long time, right?
SPEAKER_01Um you didn't want to drag your black cloud around and almost rain on everybody else.
SPEAKER_03And I actually found the hardest part about my diagnosis was telling people that was harder for me because then I had to watch their emotions on their face, and I almost felt like I needed to support them because it was like them hitting a wall of like, holy shit, what do you mean?
SPEAKER_01And were you in a headspace of like, I know, I already have been with this?
SPEAKER_03Yes, because I kept it um in my close circle for a long time. Um, I didn't actually let a lot of people in until October of that year is when I really started to be vocal about my story. Um, so I was diagnosed in May and I became vocal in October, and it was mostly because there was misinformation being thrown out about um me and my story, and so I thought I'd rather it come from me than through people speaking. Right. So, yeah, that's when I I started to tell my story.
SPEAKER_01Isn't it wild how in our most vulnerable moments and darkest chapters? I hope you've learned this about yourself, but um how I don't it's probably human, but I I do my gut is sitting here being like, say it, say it, but like how women then step out into the outside world in your hardest, most vulnerable chapters and either don't speak about something or um hold their darkness to themselves because they don't because then they will support everybody else. Like that's our natural instinct is I know the news about me is really uncomfortable. Let me let me help you feel better about it.
SPEAKER_03Yep. Yep.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah, it's insane.
SPEAKER_03And that's you know, when I would run into people in between um being diagnosed and feeling comfortable talking about it, I would just skip over the the how are you feeling? How are you doing? You know, they would just ask, what's new with you? Skip over that piece of my life because I'm not ready for that to be the main focus. And it did, it became the main focus of my conversations with everybody.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, and that's hard because it was hard. Because then your energy is going into it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and the whole time it was like, but I'm still me. I'm still I still have more about me. I'm newly married.
SPEAKER_01Literally, like okay, sorry. This brings me back to something you and I have discussed that I think is huge to talk about. But so you're newly married, you're newly going kind of in secrecy and privacy through a cancer diagnosis. And I know you're getting the questions about when are you guys gonna have kids?
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah. The question, my my favorite question, my favorite, um, constantly.
SPEAKER_01How long have you been married now?
SPEAKER_03Uh, it'll be four years this fall. We've been together for 14 years. So I mean Oh fuck. People are like, when when is this happening? When are you gonna do this? Um I stopped answering that respectfully, and I started answering with, well, I thought I'd do cancer first. Because if you feel comfortable enough to make me feel uncomfortable with your question, you get to have a little bit of that dose right back to you.
SPEAKER_01Oh, let's also just be honest about I don't know if you leaned into it, but like sarcasm saved me. Oh, it did. Humor saved me. I know, I know it's also a protector. Oh, yeah. I know we've had these chats in our like our little circle of women about how how humor can just lighten the mood. Yeah, but like time and place for sure. And oh my god, the number of jokes that I cracked. So I understand that response. I will say I fucking love it. And like it's I I just want to say, like, it might be, it might feel like an elastic band, like slap, and I know again, I assume the intentions behind someone asking you that is genuine curiosity. However, when you walk through certain paths, those questions are a fucking slap in the face and like rubbing on a wound. So heavy, like so heavy, and so it's also um, I don't know if you could speak to this also, but like it's also a way of just being like none of your fucking business. Literally, yeah, because I remember not to spin to my story, but when I got diagnosed, I would have been, oh, I don't even know. 30, early 30s, running a fitness studio, living in the same town I grew up. Um, everyone knows me for all my things. And people who don't, if you I think still, if you look at me, you're not like, hmm, something's wrong with her. Yeah, but I'm walking funny. I didn't use a cane yet, which was partly why I was like, you know what? A cane's an easier way. I fucking put it off forever. But the number of questions like, did you hurt your hip? Yeah, oh yeah, and being like, Okay, uh and then, or like then people need to go into their stories, like you said. And it's like, uh no. And uh, yeah, I remember my sister being like, remember, like they're they're good intentioned, and the people don't know. And I had to keep reminding, but when you're living through stuff, it's your whole fucking world. It is so yeah, so ask me about my hip. And even still, now my answer is like, I live with something like MS. Done. Exactly. Don't need to get into it because at the end of the day, and this is where I've got to meet a part of me that you've probably met too, but like I'm very kind, yes and very nice person. Yeah, however, I also know that by setting a boundary and just being like, I don't need to, I know you're well intentioned, but I don't want to fucking explain this and get into the whole story and all the questions you're gonna have follow-up. And then like my brain is like, what? Are you gonna total stranger? You ask me this in Walmart, it was well-intentioned. But so are you leaving Walmart and like thinking about and like Googling and like it's really affecting your day, or was it just like small talk? Exactly. And I know it's human connection, but when you're going through shit, that so your answer of I thought I'd do cancer first. If I didn't know you, I would be like, Oh, is that was that what you were?
SPEAKER_03I got a lot of that. I got a lot of that. Oh, so was it people you knew? Yeah, every time. Every time. I have I have a couple of uh family members actually that are consistent with the question. Um, and I have tried to have conversations and explain that that's not really in my control right now. Yeah. I'm I don't get to decide when my body's recorded. Yeah, like it's just it is what it is, and I have to get through this phase first.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Trust me when it happens, you'll know. On the flip side of this, all when people don't know, this is what I was saying. Like when we hold it, when we hold ourselves in a bubble and are like, I'm not gonna tell my story because I'm gonna control my power and what's set about me. But then that is the like hard piece of that, right? Because people don't know, yeah, or when they do find out, they don't know that it's been like such a journey to get there. Right. Yeah. It's it's a hard balance, I think.
SPEAKER_03It really is. Yeah, you want to protect your peace, but at the same time, if you were open and honest about the things that you were going through, maybe they wouldn't ask such stupid questions. I don't know. Um, but yeah, no, it was hard. It was a hard phase of my life too, because all of my uh in-laws were all getting married, planning pregnancies, having healthy babies, all the things. So I had to check, check, check. Yeah, I had to watch all of that. Um, and and I was super jealous and super resentful that they got to make that plan for their life because that's what I wanted. Um but now it's like, but this was the path you were meant to be on. And I couldn't imagine having a kid while I was going through all of this. Um, because for the past three years, I've gone through 21 rounds of treatment and they weren't easy, they were awful. Um, so I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine having a kid on top of it.
SPEAKER_01Tell me, and maybe you might have to sit with this. What how will you be a different mother now than if you would have had kids when you first thought you were wanting to?
SPEAKER_03Oh, if my patients are huge now. Huge. Um, and the control piece. I used to need to know what was gonna happen with my day. I had everything planned out. I was not go with the flow. I did not like it. Oh, you're a woman? Yeah, exactly, right? Yes. So now, if this has taught me anything, it's okay, chill out, calm down. What's gonna happen is gonna happen. Um, and it's not the end of the world if something doesn't go how you envision it. The end result will still be the same no matter how you get there. You just gotta get there. So it's fine.
SPEAKER_01I, you know what's the coolest shit is it doesn't matter. Okay, it doesn't matter if you had the mountain to climb or the small hill, what changes is how quickly you get there. But it's so cool how the message at the end is always let go of control. Yeah, trust your path.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that lights me up just because like when life shows you that, when life goes, you're not gonna fucking miss this one and slaps you upside the head, and you have to be in ooh, the hard. I'm gonna get emotional. The hard is hard, it's so hard. Like the harder than you thought, and earlier in life than you ever thought. Like, you don't picture your 20s and 30s being challenges. You picture your challenges being like buying a home, exactly, starting a job and exactly, starting an RRSP, like that shit, that stuff, and then yeah, it is. I love speaking with people who have gone through and come out the other side of big medical journeys because I I feel and I would love to hear your version of this, but like it switches a lens and you can't unsee it. No, you can't unsee what actually fucking matters, but I'm answering my questions and going further, but um, but then it can be hard to meet people who haven't seen the veil liftly hard on the other side. So yeah, okay, so you would be a mom with less control.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um lots of patience.
SPEAKER_03Lots of patience.
SPEAKER_01Um and what like what is your what is your the your thing that you can't unsee now?
SPEAKER_03Oh, you know that there there definitely is a reason that you're walking through the path that you're going down. You don't see it in the moment. You definitely don't because it's so fucking hard. Um, but there is a a huge reason why you're down that path. Um yeah, and and there's a reason for everything.
SPEAKER_01And what do you think? How does your journey ripple into the people in your life?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, just being able to help them walk through something difficult as well. Um, meeting a lot of people with more compassion than I used to, but also being able to protect my peace and put up some boundaries. Um, that's been huge for me. Being able to set those boundaries um because I've already done the work that I need to do to get through the hard shit. Um and I know there's gonna be a good thing.
SPEAKER_01Because you had to meet yourself, though, in a way that like you shouldn't have to at that age. Yeah. But and yet, how cool I always think, how cool that at my age, I feel, I feel like, and this I always feel really egotistic saying this, because holy shit, I don't know everything. But when shit like that happens to you young, I'm like, sweet, I hope I get another 40 years. Yes, and I get to walk those 40 years with like a different lens and a lot of knowledge, and a lot of knowledge and a new way of navigating me and my values and ultimately what my life will look like. Because um, do you ever think back to the past version of you and where she would be?
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Do you feel tense automatically? Instantly, like love on her. Yeah, she was fucking a force.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_01But like, oh my god, yeah, something else would have had to come up to smack me upside the head.
SPEAKER_03Exactly.
SPEAKER_01And be like, slow the fuck down, let go of control, chill out, meet people with compassion, set some fucking boundaries. Yeah, yeah. All of that, yes, and do it because you love yourself, right? And it'll ripple into your relationships and what really matters.
SPEAKER_03And how beautiful is it that we get to go through this next phase of our life with a little bit less fucks to give, right? Things that don't matter.
SPEAKER_01Oh, a thousand percent. And um it does something to a marriage.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_01Like, do you think your your husband will parent different or see big time? Like, I can only imagine. So we were just talking about this, like, because this year has been a huge like lick the hand, slap it on the page, and flip it when you got. Oh, I want you to share this.
SPEAKER_03Um, yeah, I actually got the news that I um done treatment and I get to move forward with my life and I get to start planning what I want um in my life. Um I'm gonna cry. I know, I know. It was a big appointment. Um, yeah, yeah, I get to finally make my own choices. I'm no longer waiting for another doctor appointment. I'm no longer anticipating feeling really shitty for a month. Um, I don't have to go to a doctor's office for a very long time. Oh yeah. I'm so excited about that. Like so excited.
SPEAKER_00So how do you feel now?
SPEAKER_03I feel incredible.
SPEAKER_00What is it like living now?
SPEAKER_03I feel I don't know if free is the right word, but I feel lighter knowing that I've conquered that piece that I needed to. Um, every treatment was a new mountain. Um, and I I just had to get through it. I just would take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, whatever I needed to.
SPEAKER_01I think you learned that in that moment. That's one of those lessons too, right?
SPEAKER_03Big time.
SPEAKER_01No amount of planning is gonna do anything for you.
SPEAKER_03Nope. And no appointment will ever be the same as the next.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Every every different scenario brought a new set of side effects or emotions or whatever I needed to work through in that week.
SPEAKER_01And it's it's so interesting how in like one of you could see it as your weakest moment can also become the point where you dig up more strength than you even knew you could. And how you can be both big time. So what part of you did you learn that's really soft? What version of what version of that did you need to get to know better?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the control piece. I didn't realize how much I actually felt the need to control a lot in my life.
SPEAKER_01And what was on the other side of that? Because it's a quieter part.
SPEAKER_03It is, it is learning to be okay with the quiet and and the slow and the rest, um, and learning that that actually is part of life and you need to slow down. You need to slow down.
SPEAKER_01And how is a journey getting to know that part of you?
SPEAKER_03That has been, it's taken a lot of work to understand that it's okay to rest. Um, I still have guilt around taking those slow days. Um, but but yeah, no, it's it's been a journey. It's been a journey for sure.
SPEAKER_01Where does the where does the guilt come from, especially after a medical journey that forces you to have to slow? Where does that guilt, what do you think is like under that?
SPEAKER_03For me, I think it was, well, I used to be able to do that, so why can't I now? Like I used to be able to clean my entire house today. Why does that now take me four days? You know, and and not yeah, I have to remind myself, well, you've been through some shit, your body isn't the same, it never will be.
SPEAKER_01And you don't have to prove anything.
SPEAKER_03No, and you will never be that version that you were before your diagnosis ever. I will never get back to that person, nor do I want to. I have learned far too much to go back there.
SPEAKER_01And that soft part that is like being slow, is that version of you ever worried about if you rest that like that could bubble up again?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it used to, for sure.
SPEAKER_01Because it's like a familiarity tied to a vulnerable week season of life? Yes.
SPEAKER_03Even now when I feel exhausted in the middle of the afternoon, I'm instantly triggered to, oh my god, that's how I used to feel before I got my diagnosis. Am I sick again? Is it back? Is my body going through all of that once again? And I just need to remind myself like, calm down. Yeah. Probably just didn't sleep well last night.
SPEAKER_01And so how do you meet yourself now? Like, how do you what does self-care look like for you now?
SPEAKER_03Oh, oh, it's different. Um, moving my body is a big one for me, um, which is how our paths crossed. And I'm yeah, forever grateful that that happened.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I know. We had such a like, I fucking love my studio and the clock and the people I get though, because I think we cried. Oh, big time. Yes. And like, I never know. I always trust and I always get excited for when people are like, could we reach out and connect? And that's why it's always so important to me. I'm not just like, here. Here's our key fob or give me your email. I sign you up. I love to meet people first because there's always a why. There's always like, and that fucking matters because we're all so different. Exactly. And then that allows me to be able to, it's not like I need to know all your shit, but then I don't know. I feel like I know your body better and what it needs. Yes. And I just think our story doesn't need to be our definition of who or what we are. Nope. But it lets us meet people in a different way, which can be really amazing. And um it's been so okay.
unknownOof.
SPEAKER_01It's been so awesome watching our group be so involved in your treatments, in your, like we always know, oh, she's not gonna be here on Tuesday. She has her treatment. And then it's like, oh, I don't know, fucking community.
SPEAKER_03It's huge. It's huge. We're both crying. Um, there were weeks that I would do treatment on a Monday and show up to lift on a Tuesday, and I was just, I needed to do it. I need it for my mental health, um, but also the people there for sure.
SPEAKER_01And I will give you so much credit because you could have showed up, not told me anything, not told the group anything, and like excused yourself, excused yourself. And okay, not judgy, but like I then would not have understood your like your reasoning, which is totally fine too if someone doesn't want to share it. However, instead of us just being like, oh, Kelsey's not here, we you told us so that we could, I think, just like as humans, feel out how to support you. Yes. Because never did you show up. I feel like we'd be like, Are you good today? Yeah. But it wasn't like, I don't think, anyways, I heard a whole lot of like, let's talk about Kelsey's treatment today. It was like, we're glad to see you here today. Fuck yeah. Yep. And I'm really honored because I've had a couple people come through my studio. Some are with us still, some are not. Um, but it's really amazing to have like community in those chapters, but also the right kind of humans that can hold your space and vulnerability with such love and compassion. And you're a part of that because there's other people that have gone through some hard shit in our groups. And this is my why for group training, because it's like there were days you'd show up and I think sometimes every exercise pissed you off. So you would just be like, nope, and go for a walk or do some stretching. And I was so proud of you for whatever showing up to keep a little bit of routine, keep in your community. But like what you actually do in your session, I ultimately believe doesn't really fucking matter. Yeah, it's the showing up to do something for yourself, to honor your health and wellness, to listen to your body, to be part of community. So movement took us on a side quest. Movement's been big for you.
SPEAKER_03That was a huge one for me. Um, yeah, I think just giving myself the the permission to slow down was another one that really I focused for my self-care. Um really diving into like there's a reason why this all happened and just being okay with it. And being okay with like this is my path. This you were meant to do exactly this at this time.
SPEAKER_01Um yeah, and it's it's kind of led me to where how do you take care of your mental health now and your emotional health?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's a big one. I talk a lot with my husband. Yeah, um, he's my best friend, 1000%. Um, I thought we were close before my diagnosis, but no, we are absolutely best friends now. Um, and being able to have those really open and honest, hard conversations with him instead of just keeping them in the back pocket. Um, yeah, just being honest.
SPEAKER_01Is that just the like now or never kind of switch that goes off? Pretty much.
SPEAKER_03And I mean, through through my journey, we had to have some really awful conversations. Yeah. Um, like we planned my funeral just in case. Ooh, because we didn't know. Nobody told us what we were going to be up against. So yeah, yeah. When we had those hard conversations, that's when the gates really opened, and it was like nothing's off the table now. We talk about everything.
SPEAKER_01Now, you can tell me if maybe you don't want to answer this, but you've been shown in your family that life can end early. Yes, unfortunately. Yep. And so do you think that impacted you? Did you Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I um that might be a dumb question, but just like you can see it, but then to walk through it are two different things.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, majorly different, majorly just respecting the fact that yeah, I I could be gone tomorrow, I could be gone in a month, but no matter when I leave, that is the end result, no matter what. That is how that's going to end. You don't get to live forever.
SPEAKER_01But you so now just live with what you got now.
SPEAKER_03Just be grateful for where you're at. And uh yeah, just be open and honest with people too is a huge, huge one.
SPEAKER_01Um, what would you say saved you or got you through this all?
SPEAKER_03Uh reaching out to other cancer patients and survivors was a big one for me. Um, I actually have uh someone I call a friend now. Um, Brett is uh one of my good friends from North Battlefort. Uh, and he was the one who told me to just take it one step at a time. Don't worry about getting through treatment, worry about getting through the treatment tomorrow. And don't worry about getting to the next day when you feel better, get it through this hour. What's the symptom this hour? Get through the next hour and the next hour. Do the small steps to get there and celebrate them every step of the way.
SPEAKER_01On the flip side of that, and you may or may not relate, but it's so amazing to find community. Do I have mascara all over my face? No, I had a pretty good little tear up there. Um is the like on you have the people that are going the same journey as you who swing it one way and navigate it with a certain mindset or outlook or whatever. Did you cross paths with anyone in that community that made you feel more fear fearful or just like was navigating it very different and made you feel heavy about how you were?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I actually connected with another younger patient uh in BC. Um, and unfortunately, she didn't have the same response that I did um for my treatment. We were diagnosed with the exact same thing.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So you were connected with somebody your age-ish, and she was 10 years older than me. Um, but yeah, of course I had to find her. Like that I had to dig deep to find somebody. Um but yeah, her path ended up being very different than mine. Um, and and unfortunately, she didn't she didn't make it. She passed away last year. Um, so I'm forever grateful that my body did what it was supposed to do with this treatment and it didn't fight it. It just allowed everything to to happen the way it was supposed to medically. Um, so yeah, that was hard. That was hard because she had a very different outlook on all of the treatments we were going through. She wasn't grateful for the science, she wasn't grateful for any of it. Um, which was hard to check in with her.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because I felt I also felt this guilt that mine was working and I was super happy. Um, I'm glad we went here.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It's big. This is the unspoken part, especially when it's not like something as common.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And you're right, they're not allowed to connect you with people. Yep. That's that's a like thank goodness for technology.
SPEAKER_02Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_01However, um, I think it's a really big piece because I deal with like I've been in groups, and especially right off the hop, it was like, okay, I want to be in these groups. Yes. And yes, it let me feel understood.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But oof, like I was already in the when I in the beginning, it felt good, and I wanted to just like dive right in. Yes. And then I realized that I was working out of the fear head space and into the like, okay, this is part of my journey, but it's not getting all of me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And oh my God, I could get sucked down into the like deepest hole. Yes. And in supporting my son, we go about it a holistic way, which is I'm glad you talked about that too, because there's times and places, and everyone needs to choose whatever they fucking feel called for. But so I like I feel really grateful with my team and I feel my body and my gut tell me, like, keep going, do it the way you're doing it. Yep. But then I get like a couple mums reach out to me and ask me what I was doing. And then it was like drilling me, even if it was good intentions, drilling me. And then there I am calling my acupuncture and herbalist, being like, okay, like I need to stop talking to the community, and they're like, oh, like, yeah, that is hard. And I think I love that you address that, like, you connected with someone. I'm grateful. I've got a couple people, same thing. Yeah. And you just gotta navigate it, however, and like not shame on people who might be navigating a different or be in a different headspace, yeah, but like I'm gonna opt out of that option. Yeah, but it does make you, it made me feel like, oh my God, I don't know enough. Am I fucking up? Yes, this, this, this, and then it's like, okay, no. Like, and even I'm grateful my our treatment team um for myself and for my son. Um, both of us are healthy, but we are navigating it our way, and they've been respectful, which I'm so grateful for. That's huge. Even on a spiritual level, yeah, there was they wanted some genetic testing or some bone marrow testing done. And I was like, no, then I'm asking for it. Yep. And she was like, okay, super respectful, and I always was just really appreciative of that. And then when we did get there and it felt okay to do that, she met us where we were at. Like, yeah, so I just think that's super important too, because community is great, yeah, but there's also a protecting your peace there really is navigating that's the same.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you have to make sure that that's not sucking you back down to where you have worked so hard to get away from. It's not that it ever goes away, but it doesn't need to be the only thing that revolves around you.
SPEAKER_01I think it sometimes that happened probably a year ago. I just had a a really nice parent reach out, ask my options and like, is it working for you? And I'm like, I a part of me is like, I don't want to say that. Yeah. Because currently I'm in a good place. Yes. That's all I want to say. Yep. But yeah, then it put me back into fear a little bit. Yes. And I'm like, oof, no, like community is good, but I think just however you navigate it, because spirituality was a piece too. And that was I was going to ask you that. Yeah. Did anything shift in you?
SPEAKER_03Big time. I definitely believe in signs um from people that have passed on, and I had a lot of them going through all of my treatments. Um angel numbers have become a big thing for me. Um, they are everywhere. Yeah. And if you aren't necessarily watching for them, you'll find them. Yep. Um yeah, and just believing that I truly believe that there's somebody watching over me and guiding me through this. And I do wholeheartedly believe that this is just a chapter in my story. I'm not revisiting this one. I'm done with it. I'm moving on. Yeah. My my cancer does have a really high recurrence rate. Um, but I don't believe I'm ever gonna have that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. How do you have you changed your language and how you talk about it? Yes, I have.
SPEAKER_03Um at first it was Oof, it's heavy in the beginning, though. It is, and it was just cut and dry, this is how it is, you know. It is what it is.
SPEAKER_01A diagnosis, though, is like it feels in the beginning to me, anyways, like a definition of an identity.
SPEAKER_03Literally feels like the only thing that existed with you and for you.
SPEAKER_01And like, and like I really highly recommend not.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like let yourself be with it. Yeah, did you work through that? Yes. And it's it's so lovely. I've met women who have gone through so many things, and um some people are like, it was my dark chapter, yeah, or whatever. And I always say I live, I currently live with because it's on my journey currently. However, yeah, it's a chapter. And yeah, how did you change your language?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's something that I'm still catching myself doing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, I I usually would say I have cancer, but I don't currently, and I haven't for three years. So I was a cancer patient, is what I went with. Um, but I'm no longer that anymore either. So I'm having to learn um New Lingo. I'm a cancer survivor at this point, which is crazy to say. Um, my doctor will never tell me that I am in remission. That's something that he openly and honestly told me. Um, he never believes in that because that is always floating in your in your system. You always have some form of cancer in your system.
SPEAKER_01Everyone does.
SPEAKER_03It's just whether it's ready to wear it's on your head. Really? So at this point, I'm no evidence of disease. So I need to find, I need to find my new my new words.
SPEAKER_01Ooh, I'm like, I feel like I had the word defeat, but like I defeated cancer, or like cancer. Oh, we'll have to like sit and ponder a real fucking powerful statement that's just like meh, moving on. Yeah, like meh page flip. Yes, I love it. Big time. What are you now? I I don't like to be like identities and but like fucking own it. Who are you now? What are you now?
SPEAKER_03I'm a business owner now. Yeah, you are. That's new. Um, yeah, I I'm still figuring out all pieces of things.
SPEAKER_01You're just always a ball of sunshine. Even if you have some sass in your step, you still sprinkle that about. You're always someone with ears to listen. Like you fucking listen to me. So sometimes you don't even talk. Because that's part of being my friend. Um, I see a super encouraging and supportive woman to the people around her. And I feel like I've seen a shift in you being like, when when we were talking, chapter ends next. Yeah, you started a business. Yeah, you moved out to an acreage. Which has been a whole journey in itself, which has been a fucking journey in itself. Yeah. Do you want to go into okay? So Kel Kelsey has celebrated. Do you feel like you fully celebrated? No. I feel like we're we need to have a party.
SPEAKER_03I know, right? I think I was waiting for that final confirmation from my specialist.
SPEAKER_01Um, but it's something that easily gets skipped though.
SPEAKER_03For sure, for sure. I did ring the bell in December. I rang that cancer bell.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_03And that for me helped with my whole mind understanding that, oh no, we are done here. We aren't coming back. We'll come back for a visit. And hopefully I get to go and tell my beautiful nurses that I'm expecting because they're also waiting for that.
SPEAKER_01I know, that's been another thing that I'm so excited. And I know y'all call in.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. But just being able to, yeah, move forward, move forward without having that follow me. It's just, it's gonna be big.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we do need to celebrate that. I know. So, but so you flip the page for that, and then we're excited about this new chapter, and universe has um been just I don't know, what has it been doing?
SPEAKER_03So the universe is challenging me in a lot of ways. Um yeah, after I got the the call about being done treatment and everything, we moved on to quickly moved on to moving, packed up my life and moved out to an acreage. That has brought on a whole new realm of challenges in itself.
SPEAKER_01Which I think it does. Yeah. But it's been, yeah, hiccuppy. It has been. That's probably the best way to put it.
SPEAKER_03What do you think the lesson is with that? Oh, I I haven't found it yet. Um, it definitely happens for a reason. I am aware of that. Um, but oh yeah, the challenges every single day there's something new.
SPEAKER_01You know what I think it is?
SPEAKER_03Please tell me.
SPEAKER_01I okay. This is what comes up for me with with all of the shit that's been going on. So one is that constant reminder to like let go of timing and control. Ugh. And when I say this, I'm not like, so that like that's hard.
SPEAKER_03It is, it is hard.
SPEAKER_01But I feel like they're just reminders of what you've learned and how you've shifted and to just embrace it. Yeah. And the other one is leaning in for support. Yeah. And I might have said this to you, but I think sometimes after you go through this big hard chapter and you're strong and you can push through it and you're independent and all the fucking things, then there's this like now receive.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think you're in the like now receive. Yeah. When we can release the grip of control, yeah, big or small, but then we're then we're able to receive. Yes. And so I think it's really, I know the annoyance because yours is like waiting for projects to be finished. So it's like a little bit of trusting and leaning into support, uh, letting go of control. That's so hard when it's in your home because you just want to settle in to your new place. Um, okay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's uh it's been challenging, but I do agree that it is it's teaching me to move back to those practices that I taught myself to get through my hard health journey. This season is hard right now, but it's just a season. It'll pass, it'll get better. I could do without all of the creepy crawly things I'll be having to deal with currently. But like literally bugs you're talking about. Like literally ticks everywhere, and I'm over it. I knew moving to the country I was gonna have things to get over. I did not expect to have everything thrown at me within the first month. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Well, and it's been like every day that I see you, it's like this. Yeah, this and this, and maybe it's also preparing you for motherhood because it could very well be fucking this, this, and oh, this was the thing I was going to say is so yes, it's like leaning into support, letting go of control, but then it's also speaking your truth. Like, hey, yeah, I need this from you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Even when there are people that are helping you.
SPEAKER_03Yes, big time.
SPEAKER_01Because I had to learn that too, and that's a hard one.
SPEAKER_03It feels icky, but it's so necessary.
SPEAKER_01Well, it feels like you're not being appreciative and kind. Yes. But it's just you speaking your feeling.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I'm just important. Tired of living out of a box. So if I could get some things done, that'd be cool.
SPEAKER_01Well, and let's be honest, you had like Your cancer shit going on. Yeah. And then your treatment stuff. So like I'm like doing the shaky motion, but just like things aren't settled.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01And so then it was like you're moving. And your moving process was kind of drawn out too. So then it was like that. So then you're moved into this new place, and I feel like your body and your everything is just like, I just want to fucking settle. Literally. Because you also had one other thing that you that brought you release, but was also out of the blue.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Just like career-wise changes, right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I uh I unfortunately was laid off at the end of April, which came quite literally out of the blue. Had no idea that was coming. Um, sucked. However, you instantly caught the message. I did. I really did. Um, I needed the time to focus on my own business. I needed the time to get our house settled. I needed that time to relax into this new lifestyle that I've been immersed into.
SPEAKER_01Um reset. Yeah. Yeah. Time with your husband, that's intentional.
SPEAKER_03And it's been relaxing, not having this job to do. Um yeah, yeah, the financial piece was a little stressful at first, but thank God for my husband. He said it's just money. Yeah, it's fine. And things balance out. There, you know, everything's worked out to this point. It is what it is.
SPEAKER_01Can you have you thought, I haven't asked you this yet, what your life would be like and your state would be like if you were working and doing your business on the side and trying to settle into this home that you're doing reno's in.
SPEAKER_03And and and yeah, I can speak to that because that was my first month of living there. I was still working on the business. Oh, were you still filling orders for my business? I was still doing lots of stuff. Um, and the overwhelm and the chaos that ensued and the stress, and it was it was too much. So something had to give. And clearly now I know what it was.
SPEAKER_01And I love it's so annoying sometimes, but when the universe just lets go of things for you so that you don't need to. And I I do believe that when we're in a headspace or in a way of living almost that you're open to receive, yeah, then the universe does that for you sometimes so that you don't have to.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01Like, yeah, you were going through lots of that stuff when my studio stuff was shifting. Yes. Like, holy shit, start off a new year, and like all of my girls are leaving. Yeah. And it was, I was sad, but I was also like, oh, it's okay. And like other changes were going on, and it was like, okay, thanks for thanks for the sign. However, yeah, if just like you, if I hadn't learned that there's like reason, and to be open to what you're supposed to learn, this is like the lens change, though, too, right? And so then instead of being like, why is this happening to me? It's like, ooh, what's coming in?
SPEAKER_03You know, and it's funny, I don't ask myself that question anymore. Why did this happen to me? Why is this, why am I going through this and nobody else? No, I I don't ask myself that anymore. It is usually, what is the lesson out of this? What am I about to learn from all of this?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, a chance to just be curious about your life rather than oh, that's such a big lens shift, though, isn't it? It's huge, it's huge, and yet such a gift.
SPEAKER_03Oh, it's so freeing.
SPEAKER_01Like I I've said this before, but I work with people that are often in some of their hardest chapters. Yeah. And I sit there being like, Yeah, at the end you'll understand it. Yeah, you're not gonna hear me now, but yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because you don't want to.
SPEAKER_01Um, I don't think I asked you this, but if I did, um, now that you're on the other side, what would you tell someone who's maybe just going through what you were going through? Or maybe it's that version of you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, one step at a time. Don't see the the end goal as being done treatment. The end goal is literally just whatever you set it out to be. For me, I had to focus on um each treatment. Let's just get through today. Let's just get through tonight. Let's try not to spike a fever, because that was a big one for me. And then celebrate those wins when you make it through that. So every time I didn't spike a fever, oh my god, did I celebrate? It was let's go for a blizzard, let's go for a love. Because I made it and I didn't have that issue.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, yeah, no, that's that's big. Like, don't just look at the end goal as being your only goal.
SPEAKER_01Um, I love that. How how or did you navigate life finding that balance between like feeling the hard but being positive? Because yeah, speak to that. I've already spoken to it.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, I I've grown up, my mom was very much like that. Very much like that. So like positivity, yeah. Very much. Um, it's okay to acknowledge that something sucks and it's okay to feel your feelings, but it's still gonna be okay, and it's not as bad as it could be. That was something that I was always taught. It could be worse.
SPEAKER_01It could be worse.
SPEAKER_03It could be worse. We all know that one, but we just don't like to hear it. Could be better, exactly. It could be a lot better.
SPEAKER_01That one sticks though, for sure. It does. Yeah, it could be worse. I know, and and thank goodness for the positivity, but I always think I could have never navigated it without the realism.
SPEAKER_03Well, and you know, I could I could stay stuck in this really dark place and like be pity for me, like boo, I didn't get to do the things I wanted to, but I literally things I learned.
SPEAKER_01I literally, this sounds ridiculous, forgot that you could be there. That is my brain is just like, huh? But yeah, yeah, and not in a positivity way, just in a like, uh, I learned this, it was hard. Yeah, and it's you're gonna face hard shit again. Yeah. But like it does, it lets you be able to meet new challenges in a different way. Very different. Yeah. I love that. Okay, well, before we kind of tie things up, I want to ask you just a couple of questions. And I know you've listened to my podcast, so you might know them. But okay, but this one's just for you. Um, what kind of relationship have you how do you meet your body now?
SPEAKER_03With a lot of gratitude for how we got to where we are. I my favorite line that shocks a lot of people is I am so grateful and thankful that I was blessed with a cancer diagnosis. Um, it taught me a lot about me and where I'm going and how I'm gonna get there.
SPEAKER_01What did you have to let go? That might be a big question.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, there was a lot. There was a lot I had to let go of.
SPEAKER_01Like control, you said.
SPEAKER_03Huge, huge, but also I also had to come through the idea of my grandparents didn't make it through their diagnosis. But I was going to and I did. Um was that a big anchor point for you? It was, it was huge. Unfortunately, I had a family member also walk this journey with me. Um, and she also passed, and that was another one of my people. And so having to work through that while I was still in that season was very difficult. Very difficult.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And not to like take us into the whole discussion again, but like to then be someone who made it through and be meeting people in your life with those who didn't.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Survivor's guilt is huge.
SPEAKER_01Oh fuck, yeah. We didn't even get into that, but I yeah, I think we touched on it, but yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03It's heavy. Yeah, it really is. So that's something I'm also working through.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I bet. Do you think you'll always work through it? Or have you talked to anyone else about that?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I've connected with somebody else um down in the States and they said the same thing. And it they said it does, it gets easier, but yes, it is hard, especially when it's someone really close to you. And for whatever reason, you feel that they deserved to be here longer than you. And that was another thing that this person helped me understand that I I deserve to be here just as much as the next person. And just because my journey looked different from theirs doesn't mean it was any less of a journey.
SPEAKER_01It pulls me back to my neurologist and him being like, your someone else's hardships don't dismiss yours. And like your survival doesn't dismiss anything else that's going on, honestly, in the world, because there's not relation. Right. You are you and your journey, and you survived it for a reason.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And now, yeah, I love that. Okay. Um, I already asked you what you would say to your younger self, but maybe that was probably pre-cancer. Do you want to go deeper? Do you feel like that question landed with you?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you know, I probably would tell her to hold the fuck on because it's gonna be a wild Hang on, girl. It's gonna be wild. Um, but the season of life that you're in right now is just that. It's just a season. It gets better. Just keep going. It gets so much better. So much better. I love that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Seasons are so real. Oh, they are. And someone once told me that everything is figure outable.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I might have told you that. Oh, maybe that's I you're giving me a smart ass look. It is, everything is figure outable.
SPEAKER_03It is, yeah, it's not that deep and it's not that serious.
SPEAKER_01And so when I showed you it, was it the like website of a chicken? Yep. Yeah. Or a chicken or a mouse. I was the can't remember. Anyways, I need that. I still haven't purchased it, but everything is figure outable. It really is. Ugh. And like end, period. Everything's figure outable, period.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_01Um, what three words are you moving into this next chapter with?
SPEAKER_03Gratitude. Um, peace. Probably love. Learning to love who I am, how I am, and how I got there.
SPEAKER_01You're not gonna sing love like my friend did on a previous episode. You haven't heard it yet. I am not. One of my friends sang it, and I loved it, and it was very fitting for who it was. Love and gratitude and peace. Yeah. Oh, I love that for you. Um okay, so um I just want to invite you, and hopefully this lands with you. I know you've told your story, but um my podcast started with like my story, and I felt like, oh, that's so selfish of you. And I hope that this episode can be like a freeing cutting the cords, letting it just like exist out there, but not be attached to you, because there's this power now in me being like, oh, just listen to episode one, or oh, just listen to episode two, which I think it was episode two is my story, but like, and like, yeah, it's in there. If you want to listen to it, listen to it. Yep. This is me now, this is where I'm going. This is my energy and whatever. But yeah, I would love if I don't know what episode you'll be, but won't it be? I hope it's super empowering, and you can even like share it on socials and be like, want to know my story, this is it. And like, period. Yep. Yeah. I wish that for you. Thank you. And I'm really excited to see everything ahead. Um, yeah, I've told you privately and in a clearing and in some energy stuff about what I see. And um, I'm really excited to have you back to chat about all the other things in your life and things that you learn and this next season and chapter. Ooh, gives me goosey bumps. All right. Um, thank you for listening in. I hope that just like Kelsey, you can learn to love fiercely and trust that you will always land softly. Be sure to leave a review or a comment about maybe your favorite episode or share it with someone who you might think would benefit from listening. Until we meet again, peace and love.
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