The Week Everything Changed: Early Signs of Alzheimer's (Part 2)

In Part 1, we walked you through the early signs we noticed over years of visits and trips. In Part 2, we share the story of the one week that changed everything.

It was the end of March 2025. Felicia and Dave were heading to Hawaii, and our mom flew to Orlando to meet Amber before they both traveled up to Plattsburgh to watch Oliver for the week. What we thought would be a manageable week of grandma helping with a nine month old turned into the moment we could no longer explain things away.

From getting lost in the airport, to struggling with a baby gate, to asking the same question four times in thirty minutes, to not remembering an entire middle of the night wake up that she was fully present for, this was the week the puzzle pieces stopped looking like coincidences and started looking like a pattern we couldn't ignore.

We share what it felt like to be in the thick of it without a diagnosis, how frustrating and heartbreaking it was to watch our mom get defensive about things that weren't her fault, and the Target run and late night gas station parking lot conversation with our dad that finally set in motion what would lead to an official diagnosis.

This is Part 2 of a three part series. The diagnosis is coming. But first, you need to see what it took to get there.

If you've ever had to convince someone you love that something is changing with their brain, struggling with dementia symptoms, this episode is for you. We're sharing every detail because the earlier you recognize these signs, the more time you have to take action and fight for the person you love.

Walk with us! Join our team at the Walk to End Alzheimer's in Buffalo, NY this September 2026 — or donate! 100% of proceeds go to the Alzheimer's Association: act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk2026/NY-WesternNewYork?pg=team&team_id=1057467&fr_id=19818

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Conversations Through Alzheimer's. I'm Amber Marty and I'm Felicia Wood. We're sisters and daughters of Rosemary Marty, diagnosed with Alzheimer's in June of 2025. We're documenting her journey as it happens and we're sharing every resource we find along the way. This is her story and ours.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

Thank you so much for joining us today. Today is a continuation as we talk about a lot of the early symptoms and our story with how did we realize that something was really going on with our mom? How did we kind of navigate the changes between is this just old age? Is there something going on that's a different kind of neurological disorder or emotional disorder? We were really trying to kind of wait cut through the confusion. And so there was a bit of an inflection point. It was uh this one, this one is going to be uh a deeper dive into a shorter period of time because there was one week where my mom joined my sister for a trip to visit me in Plattsburgh and we'll go into the details here, but it was kind of it turned into in hindsight what was kind of this tipping point and everyone kind of seeing very crystal clear that something was wrong and that she had a lot of dementia type symptoms. So we wanted to really slow down and go into what a lot of those things looked like, even reflecting back to some of the conversations that we were having, how did we kind of process through those things and also be kind of open about how frustrating of an experience that was to kind of be in the thick of it without without a diagnosis. So that that is what we are we're gonna cover today. Umber, is there anything you'd say at the else at the top here to kind of for listeners to prepare themselves for before we we dive into the deeper part of this? I don't think so. You're you're in for quite a story.

SPEAKER_02 1:55

That's all I'll say.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Stories stories, many stories. Okay, so we'll we'll bring this back in the timeline to the end of March 2025. So this was about three months before her official diagnosis. It all began with a trip that my husband and I were taking to Hawaii. Um, like we've shared, I have a young toddler, and so who else in the world would I trust with my my baby other than my family? And truly the only person that I would trust is my sister. But she also works a full-time job and couldn't take the entire week off of work. So we kind of thought, okay, maybe if my mom comes as well and can kind of help Amber along this week, then she they can together kind of tag team raising uh a toddler for a week, the grandchild, the the nephew of the family. And um that would allow Dave and I to get away. So we quickly kind of planned this, maybe only a month before the the trip started. And um my mom and my sister arrived a couple of days early um to kind of get adjusted, to be able to see what our routine was with Oliver before we left, right? Just so we we had a little bit more of a warmer handoff. And uh I think that was like just a couple days before we left, like maybe like March 30th of last year. Um, Amber, I think mom flew directly to meet you in Orlando, right? And yeah, at this point, you were kind of familiar that she was having some issues at airports and things. So do you remember any of the things that you had kind of either prepared to or planned for that trip for her to meet you there and like what ended up happening at the airport?

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Yeah, you brought up a good story. So I lived in Orlando at the time, and she was going to have like basically a layover in Orlando to meet me, and then we were gonna get on the plane to Plattsburgh from there. And what happened was I said, okay, I'm going to basically wait for you at like I don't remember exactly, it's been a long year, so I can't remember exactly the the details. But like I was like, meet me at this specific spot. Like you can't miss it. You literally just follow the people and then I'll be right there. And then like I'm I'm calling her and she's like, like, I I don't know where I am, like, I'm I'm lost. And I look at her for like because we have like find my friends. So I'm like, okay, just stay where you are, just stand there, stop moving. I'm going to try to find you. And she's on the other side of the airport somehow. I I have no idea how. Like, I know she landed like at this gate, but I think she just I don't know what happened. She wandered. And so I basically said, just stay there. Like, it is easier for me to wander through this airport and follow by my friends and find you than it is to try to give you directions at this point. Just stay there. So I eventually find her, and she has clear, like the not TSA clear, the clear, I think it's just called clear. She has clear and I we both had TSA pre-checks. So we went through pre-check together, but she had to do clear on her own. And I was like, oh no. Like I already had so much anxiety. Like airports in general give people anxiety. And then being like, is she gonna be able to pull up the app on her phone? Like she was having a lot of issues. Like, where do I go for the for the clear? Like, how do I show them the boarding pass? And like, I was like, I wish I can go through this thing with her. And she just said she insisted, like, just going through that. And I was like, Well, I'm just gonna go on the other side and I'm just gonna wait for her. She's gonna be through in just a minute. And it was like 10 minutes, and I was like, Where is she? All you gotta do was show them the thing. And so I call her and she was like, Oh, this guy took me because I don't I can't I can't find my boarding pass. And I was like, Oh my gosh. And so then I I went back through security to go to try to find her, and like I was like, it's right here. And I pulled the app again and show her where it was, and I was like, Oh man, this is gonna be a long day. So I think she got it. Like, I showed the guy that she was with, like, oh, here's her stuff, and and then she was able to go through clear. We got on the train and and then we got to Plattsburgh. So yeah, that was a rough start.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

The first sign that it was not, despite like your being very clear about like, hey, like let's meet here, here's our plan. Like, even then, like you couldn't kind of brace for the the little things that you just can't when there's a deficiency there, like it really starts to shine through. One thing that we were, we had kind of noticed, I feel like, and I again it's hard to remember now, like a year later, exactly the details, but I remember feeling like we knew that mom had a very hard time with transition. So, like coming to New York or leaving New York, like she would get very emotional. We had we were aware at this time that she had, if you remember, if you listened last week, we talked about how at this point she was diagnosed with pseudodementia. And so we were really trying to do our best to kind of support her emotions in this time. So, again, we're trying to be calm, we're trying to be supportive. I remember I picked Amber and my mom up from the airport, and like it was pretty late in the evening. So I think we just had dinner and we had a couple laughs and we we went to bed and all was well. And then the next day was a day that we was kind of free form. It was just gonna be like us hanging out, spending some time together, and showing you kind of stuff around the house. So and again, I will take full accountability for the fact, like again, in hindsight, I'm like, I wish I would have done a little bit more slow down, show how things work. Like, remember these both my mom and my sister aren't with a uh almost one-year-old all the time. So, like, you know, just just trying to, I wish it would have slowed down a little bit more. But first thing that morning, I was like, okay, well, we're gonna feed Oliver, like he sits in his high chair. So I had actually, I think, shown the night before exactly like how to uh how his high chair works, like showed like the side pieces, and I was like, this is how how it works, you can say here. And so I remember like my my mom was holding Oliver that morning, and she's like, Okay, like this is gonna be like a trial run. Like, and I was like, Okay, like can you do it? Great. And somehow she had set Oliver down. He was, I think, just over nine months old at the time, set him in his high chair, and then like completely left him, like was was fiddling with the the tray that gets hooked in. Like he had no, he was not even sitting up very well at that time. Like it was, he's in a high chair, and I remember like watching this happen, and I kind of like went into mom mode and kind of freaked out, and I was like, Mom, like you can't, you have to like hold on to him. Like he's he's a baby, like he needs this is how like the high chair works, and this interaction, and I forgive me, I feel like I just kind of explained it poorly, but this interaction around the high chair ended up setting off a very, very emotional reaction the entire rest of the day. I think it's multi-layered. Like, I I think once we kind of process through it, it seemed like there was some shame that had come up around like being deemed kind of untrustworthy in that moment. I also wondered if there was kind of a little bit of self-doubt, right? Like, here I am, I'm supposed to be helping with the baby, and like I can't do this. Like, I don't know how to do this. And of course, she didn't have those words. She couldn't really say that to us. And I think she was probably afraid of a lot of those feelings. So she ended up just locking herself in the bedroom. And I think she went as far as saying, like, I don't want to be here, like, just send me back home. And she didn't know how to do it.

SPEAKER_02 9:59

I remember her being like, I need you to help me find a flight home. Like, she didn't even know how to look up flight homes or anything, even if she wanted to.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Yep. Yeah, it was really tough because I I do remember very clearly that like, so you and I decided to go off. We were gonna take a trip over to Vermont because it's a pretty short drive from here. And we we took Oliver with us. We just left mom at home that day just to kind of rest and be in her emotions and hope we could figure out whatever she needed once later that day. And you and I had many, many talks in the car around like what is happening? Like, what is this reaction about? Like, do I need to not go to Hawaii? Like, is this like a big enough thing? Like, that I can't leave you here by yourself with with Oliver with everything you have going on. Like, how are we gonna do this? Like, it was it was very, very stressful, right, before leaving to go so far away from New York with with your child here. And so that that was the beginning of the trip. And I mean, after that, when ultimately when we got home that night, like we were able to talk to mom and kind of regroup. And I don't think we ever really got to the bottom with her around how she was feeling or like her ability to process that. You know, she kind of was able to at least I think actually, I think we ended up having to enlist dad's help to talk to her and kind of get her to calm down and be willing to Yeah, we had to call dad when we were on our way to Vermont and explain it and kind of get his perspective. Yeah. So that was kind of the bumpy entrance to this this trip. And then um we Dave and I did leave. We we left the next day in the evening for our trip to Hawaii. We were gone for I think five days, probably felt like five weeks for you, Amber. Yeah. Um let's hear, let's go ahead and see if you can remember. Like, I know you have a um, you ended up having so many experiences that you started to keep a running list of things that had happened, which is kind of nice to be able to look back on. So you can definitely reference that. But before we start getting into the exact list, like, do you remember like how you felt at the beginning of that trip and and us leaving? Like, what were some of your biggest fears and worries, or or maybe even like what did you imagine you could count on mom for going into that trip that maybe you eventually started to realize that those things weren't possible?

SPEAKER_02 12:30

I I knew it was gonna be a challenge. Like I already like like we just talked about before this, like it's not like we knew she was at 100% cognitively, but we didn't realize the extent of it until we were there, and it was too late to, you know, you can't cancel your life. Yeah, you we have to deal with it. And I think it was really hard. Like I wish in hindsight that I would have just taken off the week, but I didn't realize like again how bad it was, and we'll go into like the stories and scenarios that that kind of happened, but I felt like I knew it was gonna be a really hard week, and I knew that I felt I I was going to be taking care of all of her by myself, basically. Um I was really hoping that she could and it's not like I didn't trust her, like she was gonna be dangerous with him, or like I didn't feel like like that or anything, like, but I was like, I just felt like I couldn't relax at all, like I was so tense. Like if I was in meetings, I was constantly had the baby monitor next to me, like even though she was with him to be like, she's gonna need something, she's not gonna be able to find something. Like it was like taking care of two kids. Um if I'm if I'm honest. And so it just felt very stressful, but I also didn't want to present that to you because you don't want that going into your trip, being like, oh gosh, you know, things are things are rough. Like, I don't think I told you how bad it was until like halfway through your trip when I was like, This is this is rough. I think you're broken at that point. Yeah, I was I was broken.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Yeah. So do you do you want to just look at your list and kind of start at the top and go scenario by scenario? Because I don't think we kept track of days. It wasn't like day one, this happened, day two this happened. It was more just like the first thing that you noticed. So what was that first situation that got you thinking like something is different? So these these are closer. Because I know up to this point, like you weren't really on the dementia train with me. Like I I felt like I was more of the one of the two of us that was like, these seem like dementia-related symptoms. What was the first one that you were like that started to change your mind towards maybe this as more dementia?

SPEAKER_02 14:30

I think it was a combination, and it wasn't like a day one, this happened, day two this happened. It was more like like by day three, I saw a pattern of behavior that I was like, this isn't this doesn't make sense. So, like, for example, with a nine-month-old, you have baby gates all around your house, you know, upstairs and stuff. And baby gates are tricky, but like, you know, you learn how to use them once and you know how to use them. And maybe, maybe twice, like, oh yeah, it's like this lever or something. But it's very standard baby gate. And like, I think it was like day three. Like, I I was I think I was like working in the living room because I was like, you know, keeping eye on her and all of her and stuff, and I wasn't on meetings or anything. So I was like working in the living room. Um and so like I saw mom like in my peripheral, like dealing with the gate or something, but I didn't like I wasn't like watching her. Um but after a couple minutes, I like clicked that she was still like dealing with this baby gate, so I turned around and she was on the other side of the baby gate, just like pushing, like kind of like trying to get it to open. And I was just like, Well, are you are you trying to get past that? She's like, Yeah, I can't figure out how to open this. And I was like, Mom, it's on the other side, and you just put your thumb here and pull and then lift up. And she was like, Oh, like every time I do something like that, she oh, I'm so silly, like I had such a hard time sleeping last night. Like, I or I haven't had my coffee this morning. There was always some excuse. But I thought that was like the first one that I was like, This is this is not normal. Like, you don't even if you forgot how to use it, your eyes should be able to make that connection. Like, oh, here's the lock, undo it.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Like, there is Yeah, you start to see the difference between like I remember this example because you had told me that she was like literally trying to open the wrong side of the gate, and you're exactly right. Like, we take for granted like how quickly our brains perform tasks that we can look down at something and like maybe you go to open that side, but as soon as you look down, you're like, Oh, I'm on the wrong side, and then you pivot and you figure it out and you open it. But like this example is really perfect because for three minutes or longer, she would have just sat there kind of stuck with this puzzle and really not had the cognitive ability to kind of sort through what she was seeing and how to get get past it.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Exactly. Yeah, she was just very defensive when I when I asked her about it, which was also becoming a pattern every time like I mentioned something. And then there was also I don't know, again, maybe like that three or four-day mark. Um, we were just in the kitchen making dinner, and I think I think it was one of those things where like we kind of ate our own things. Like we went to the grocery store before you left and like stocked up on frozen meals and stuff. And so I had like, I don't know, like a mac and cheese, frozen mac and cheese or something. And she asked me like a little while later, like, what'd you end up having for dinner? And I was like, Oh, I had frozen mac and cheese. And then it was like 10 minutes later, and she was like, So what'd you have for dinner tonight? And I was like, You just asked me this. It was frozen mac and cheese. Oh, yeah, you're right. You know, like people do all the time, like, oh, you just told me that. Like, sorry. And then it was again another two times within 30 minutes. She asked me four times what I had for dinner. And I was like, This is a short-term memory problem. This is a problem. Yeah. And what I and what every time I told her that was like, Mom, you just asked me that. She was like, What? I did like she had no recollection of it. Like it, like the first time she said, like, Oh, I you're right, I just asked you. But like the other two times, like she had no idea.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

We could tell that she genuinely was like starting over that shit it wasn't just like one of those things where because we all have that, where we're like asking a question, but we're not really paying attention to the answer, and then we ask again. Like you could you could tell that like that's not what was happening, right? Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

Oh, um, there's also a time, so she wears an Apple Watch and she forgot, um, or so she thought she forgot her watch charger. And I even helped look for it, you know, the first night and couldn't find it. So I was like, Oh, it's not a big deal. You know, when you get up in the morning, once I take my watch off the charger, I'll we'll put yours on there. And this happened like she put that, that was like multiple, I mean, every day she'd charge her watch on there. And there was probably like three times throughout the whole week that she was like, I can't find my watch charger. And I was like, Mom, will you you've been bringing it to me every single morning and I've been putting on mine? And like, you know, again, the first time she kind of mapped it and was like, Yeah, oh yeah, I remember. And then like the second and the third time she was like, I did.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

I remember this because it wasn't just a matter of forgetting it, it was that you were finding her spending long periods of time the hallway.

SPEAKER_02 19:06

Yeah, yeah, just being like, I can't find my watch charger. I've looked everywhere, like just yeah, obsessing about it.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Which didn't make sense too, because you're like, Why would you find it in the hallway? Like this doesn't even this doesn't even give you. What is happening?

SPEAKER_02 19:19

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

So another scenario was she she was spending like a long time again. Like, I was letting her do her thing. I wasn't like micromanaging her. So I noticed she was over by the laundry machine for a couple minutes. And eventually she asked me, like, how do you start this? Which I thought was really weird. And I know we talked about this last episode where she was having that issue with the the washing machine. Um, and and just a few days prior. Yeah, and just a few days prior, you showed her like here's the start button, here you like how you do it again. And it was just a few days later that she is asking me again, how do I start it? And I was like, Hey, it's the play button. The play button? And I was like, Yeah, you know, like the sideways triangle, like on a VCR player, there's the play and the pause. And she had no idea what I was talking about when I said the play button.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Um, yeah, I remember I remember this one because I I just before we started recording today, I went back through our my texts, the text we shared back and forth when I was in Hawaii, and you recounted this one, and you actually had said that just a few days, maybe it was even just one day prior. You said Monday she did laundry by herself, had no problems with it, got it all done, and then the next day she literally asked that question, was completely stuck with it. And then you were also like, and why are you doing laundry again? You just did laundry yesterday. Like that was another thing that was kind of like a lot of people.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

Yeah, but the habit of it's not like be like we're playing in the backyard of the dirt or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

Exactly. Yeah, you can see how like it's not just one of these things. Like, if it was only the baby gate that entire period, or only the washing machine over a week, like that is easy to just like chalk up as a one-off, but it's kind of the culmination of a lot of these experiences. And I feel like at this point in the trip, like you really started to piece together like, okay, something is not going right. That's when I started recording happening.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

I was like, we need to start recording all these things, and that's when I started to put it into Chat GPT.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

And I think there was pieces like when you brought up the whole thing about the the play button on the um washing machine, like that's a really common thing that we use all the time, right? You're like, hey, like go up to my my room. I'm looking for a green sweater, right? Like you try to give people or like you're driving down the street, hey, look, turn left the gas station. Like you give a visual cue of what something looks like. I think what we learned around that process is like, and I we did obviously didn't know it then, but we started to realize like you can't give cues over what visuals look like. Like she does not see the play button anymore. So, like telling her that, like you can tell uh somebody who doesn't have Alzheimer's that and they'll un they'll look for a sideways triangle and they'll understand. make that connection anymore. Exactly. So like even telling her like look for the tideous triangle like it wasn't working. That didn't help her overcome that. Like it had you had to go and physically show her and then she would be like right and like you said there was a lot of masking. Yeah. Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired. It's all it's all good because she probably didn't want to be feeling any of those things either. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

So what was the what was the next thing that that it kind of goes along with the laundry because um and and I don't remember if this was right before then or maybe a few days prior but she couldn't figure out how to open the you know you have like the the tides pods laundry thing where it's like the child block on the top and you squeeze then twist it pull off. She was just trying to rip it off and I was like what are you doing? She was like I'm trying to get the the laundry detergent out of here. Like she couldn't even like she didn't even realize like oh there's a child lock.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

I need to squeeze this like any child of her arms is just when we talked to her about that she said something like well mine is different at home.

SPEAKER_02 23:04

Mine is the poor so I just didn't know and again it's like that that thing of like she has no vision issues but it's the it's the cognitive disconnect of yeah you can't look at this and say how does this work it's like that processing the executive functioning of like how does this work oh in the like recall my my brain cells to show like this is a child lock like that's just gone. Like those neurons are now are now gone. No we didn't know that at the time but I thought that was very strange because even if you didn't know how to open it you wouldn't have the connection of the child lock. Yeah you wouldn't just be ripping it.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Yeah and there was another example of something with a lid that happened as well.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

Exactly like we went out to lunch um to a Mexican like fast casual type place and it was one of those to go containers where it's like a metal bottom and then the plastic top and then you kind of cinch the metal around the plastic top and she just kept like she couldn't understand it. So like she put the plastic on and then just kept like crushing the whole thing like and I was like whoa whoa whoa like what is happening here? Like give me your thing um like and then I did it for her but like it was like dented in like she did not she couldn't figure out like how to put the lid on.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

And I just again thought like this is so strange. I think it was probably kind of tricky because you you mentioned something earlier about her acting kind of defensively like what was the mixture between like shirking it off or like kind of masking it like oh haha like I'm just silly I'm just tired I'm whatever and and versus her starting to feel like kind of suspicious or defensive like what was that that mick?

SPEAKER_02 24:46

I think it's when I accused her of like you know like something's going like something is wrong like in your brain like you either have dementia or you have this like then she get very defensive because she felt like you want to say that to her I don't think I did until later in the trip once I had this list because I mentioned something like I think something is wrong and she's like why would you say that and I read this list to her and she got very defensive because she felt like in her mind she had an excuse for everything. She's like you know it was a very stressful beginning of the trip. I I'm two hours behind I usually sleep to like nine mountain time I I have not had my coffee you know very much like any excuse she can come up with so she felt like you guys are accusing me of something and saying something's wrong with me when there's not I just have these excuses. Yeah and you just don't trust me. And I felt like she felt like sad but it wasn't it wasn't about that.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

It wasn't personal and I I do remember that there was a moment in our in our texts where once you kind of had a breaking moment and like it didn't help that the other part of the story which he's not the key player in this but Oliver was not sleeping well during this trip. Yeah he was teething he was teething he was up in the middle of the night it was really really hard and of course like you not being the mom like you didn't have as many as much trust and being like okay I'll bring him to my bed or I'll do whatever it was like it was kind of tough on you and you were you were really struggling with that as well like on top of a double whim so working exactly and then dealing with I'm trying to have the stress of that I remember you kind of telling me like some of these examples that were going on and I remember feeling some guilt that I was like you know gosh this is really serious like I I was feeling like I we should have been trying to get her more help before this like I I had this moment where I was like I you didn't realize how bad she was too like you were like I would have never I would have never told my mom if I would have known she was the at this point. Like and it was very very scary like just to realize like your mom is in this position that like you kind of set her up for this very stressful thing. I set you up for this stressful thing and like I remember like one of your responses to this was like you've always been a very action oriented person. You were like well I'm gonna log into United and I'm gonna figure out like who her neurologists are like we are going to get her a neurology appointment. And that's when like you and I both started being like that's it we are getting more involved in her actual medical care. Because at this point we had kind of been watching with care. We had told him we had said you should get an evaluation we were asking what they were saying but at this point we hadn't been like I'm logging in you're getting a neurology appointment I'm gonna see because at this point I think we had known that she had at one point got a referral for a neurologist but it was like a three year wait and then we we thought she was on that list for the three year wait and then we came to find out that she didn't even sign up.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

She was just like that's every year that's too long and we were like oh my gosh because the three year mark would have been that year.

SPEAKER_01 27:57

Yeah. So do you want to do you remember asking her for her login and like what how did that go over?

SPEAKER_02 28:05

Yeah I think it was I I I I don't remember the exact details but I think I told her like I think I after she was defensive about like there's something wrong I think she came around and said like well you know like maybe I have ADHD or something like I I wouldn't be opposed to getting an evaluation because I do feel like something is is off but like basically like you guys are just really dramatic and I don't agree with any things you said but like I'll get tested sure. And so you know she didn't know her password but she didn't have her computer so we're just using mine. And so we reset her password and I just had her phone and we got into like her Gmail to reset the password and stuff and and it was like as I was I think I printed off I was going to print off the neurologists or something. As I was doing that it's like it's like she completely forgot again and she was like wait why are you in here? And I was like you know like we're gonna find you a neurologist why why would you find me a neurologist and like got really defensive again and I was like concerned because I was like we just had this conversation like I'm not tricking you like I've I've told you this whole thing the whole along along the way and I've noticed that a lot when she gets stressed in those environments and she has that really fast short-term memory she she feels she goes to you're tricking me and I feel like in the research I've done that's actually very common with Alzheimer's yeah yeah you started to see it right then and there because like you said one minute it would be like okay I'm I'm with you and then the next minute it's like all of that just went completely out the window and this is stuff is happening without my control and I'm not okay with it.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 29:35

Do you have any other things that really stood out to you that were like those symptoms from that that time yeah I have a couple more there's there's multiple times as a nine month old where you just need a pacifier like going to bed or crying or whatever and you know like he throws them on the floor hey like hey mom can you hear me another pacifier and I remember being at the top of the stairs with Oliver and yelling down to mom and saying that um and she was on the couch downstairs and I saw her get up and you can just tell like she had no idea where the pacifiers were even though they were in the exact same place cleaned on the kitchen counter the entire week she would stand up and she would just like look around and I was like they're on the counter they're on the counter and like she'd go over the counter and she would just look and I was so frustrated because I had to go down there now with Oliver and I'm pretty weak and he's like 20 pounds like then he's tired and crying and I'd worked all day and I'm trying to deal with my mom and I was like it's fine like I'll get it myself sit back down and then she probably feels bad because she can't do it and I'm adding to that stress um and I'm getting it myself.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Again I was like not knowing what was happening I was like these pacifiers have been here all week why can't you remember where they are yeah it reminds me of kind of how I felt when Oliver was first born where it's like you take for granted just the little things you think that another grown adult can help support you with with with your child where it's just like you know I I remember one time Dave had to go out of town and so you came to stay with me just to be my extra set of hands and you were that right if I said I need a pacifier like you knew where that was if I was downstairs it was like okay hey I'll get his cup of milk ready like we'll we'll like you can kind of tag team it and I think this this moment like this trip kind of underscored like mom at that point especially was not capable of being that extra set of hands. Like she could not anticipate for anything I feel and even if you exactly even if you ask for it she can't even fully come through with that request at that point because it's because these things are things that require executive functioning and cognitive support memory and memory exactly and those three things are areas that you can't reliably get help on in this case.

SPEAKER_02 31:56

So okay what was another example I just have two more here this is like one of like the first days she was just playing with Oliver while I was at work um and I was right next to them. And it was you know one of those simple like baby games where it's like press the button and it kind of opens like press the red and then the a jack in the box type thing comes up and she couldn't figure it out. She was like trying to open the thing like how does this game work and I was just thinking like you're in your like she was what 60 at the time she just turned 60 and you can't figure out a nine month old game like again like this is very very simple. So I just thought that was that was kind of strange. And then like when we were going to lunch you know it was April in New York so it's chilly you need a jacket and um she couldn't figure how to put her jacket on. Like she like put it in the wrong way and like again just that executive functioning like of not be able to even put your jacket on correctly and I had like hold it on I had to like take take it off and put it on like it was like helping like a toddler put on their jacket.

SPEAKER_01 32:55

What are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 32:56

Yeah I was just like oh man.

SPEAKER_01 32:59

There was there was one more thing I remember from the trip I don't know if you remember this but there was like a night where Oliver had like peed through his diaper and like it was like a whole thing. What happened with that?

SPEAKER_02 33:10

Yeah so um you know as we talked about Oliver wasn't sleeping very well so it was like you know two in the morning or something and I hear him crying so I get in there and he peed through his diaper and I needed to wake mom up because she needed to hold him while I changed the bed and changed him and everything. And so like she didn't need to do anything but hold him and so I woke her up and and you know she was obviously cognizant hi Oliver and sitting with him and and everything and then um I changed his bed um changed him he went back to sleep and the next morning me and mom were talking about it and I was like oh yeah like last night was crazy. And she even like to add like she even called Dave. I remember we called you guys because we couldn't find an extra pair of sheets and so I said can you call Dave and see where the extra pair of sheets are um so I can change this stuff. So she she was even like not participating yeah she was participating exactly so like she was there and so like the next morning we were talking about it and and she was like oh like he woke up like I must have slept through that whole thing. Like she had no recollection of any of that happening.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

Like not even just being like oh yeah that's kind of fuzzy it was like full on like she thought you were just talking about something that happened while she was literally slept through it. Yeah. Wow yeah that was so do you I know I remember when I came home like it felt pretty heavy like we we had planned it so that we would have a little bit more time together. Like I think we got home on like a a Friday or something and then I think you guys were flying out Sunday night. And so we had some more time together and I remember actually I feel like I'm I know there was a day where you were working so we must have got home on Thursday because Friday and I I went for a drive with mom and she was a little bit cranky with us. I remember this because like I think she was kind of in that defensive mode and this is like the first time that like I I think like she and I were just driving through the mountains and I was like you know mom I said I've been a little worried about you for a while and I just tried to tell her a couple of the examples and I just said I just want you to remember like nobody's out to get you like it's none of this is your fault. Like you I really tried to make that abundantly clear to her that's like none of us think that you're not remembering how to open a baby gate on purpose because you're like stupid for lack of a better word right like like it's not like we think that less of you because these things are happening. Like we're concerned for you because this is a sign that something is not working correctly in your brain and we want you to be here with us for as long as possible is your best yourself as you're capable to be. And if we're not honest with you about what's really going on like we can't do that. We can't help you like I really tried to make it about like this is not your fault. And I remember she was like pretty mad. Like she was like I don't understand why you're saying this there's nothing wrong with me like wait and see like it's just old age and and she she was like I mean it was it was kind of it was a pretty big standoff like it didn't end poorly like we were able to get past it and enjoy the rest of the ride but like it was definitely like a something that we couldn't disagree on. Yeah. And I remember after that after at work that day you and I at some point went on I think maybe like a target run to pick up some things of course always at Target and I I feel like that's when we decided we were like what are we gonna do? And I we're like we're gonna have to call dad like there this has gone too far. Well we have to do that.

SPEAKER_02 36:55

I think it was the target run that me and you really talked about it. And that's when I took the list and you said why don't you upload it to ChatGBT and see what like if if these are common dementia symptoms and that's when it said you know of course in in pure ChatGBT terms like I'm not a doctor like you need a seniorist but yes these are all very classic with with Alzheimer Alzheimer's disease and you need to get her checked out by somebody um and that kind of confirmed that and and later that night once mom was in bed I think we ran to the gas station and that's when I remember us parking and then we called dad.

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Yes exactly we called dad and that was another tough one right because dad had this idea at that point that like he was already in charge of it. He got her with a primary care physician they had diagnosed her with they're working on her depression medications like he felt like this was completely psychological this was emotional this was she needed therapy she had had too much trauma I think there was even like a talk about like well maybe she just needs like a mushrooms trip to to reset her brain yeah we were like absolutely not like we are pretty sure that she's has some kind of dementia like please don't do that which they never did just for the record but as far as we're okay you know I I think it was one of these yeah exactly as as far as like it it was something that was really challenging for us to like really confront dad and say like dad we have a list of things that Amber has seen up close and personal and experienced we're going to walk you through this list and all we want you to do is just listen. Listen to these things and really ask yourself if these are anxiety related symptoms or if it sounds like there's something else going on here.

SPEAKER_02 38:49

I can't remember his reaction to that list do you did say like wow that is concerning like basically though like I don't see that here though. So I think she's just basically it's the same thing. Like I think she's just tired you know she's been very emotional like kind of like kind of not putting his foot down he didn't say like you guys are wrong or anything but I think he's just like I think you guys are just being a little bit dramatic but but I think it was enough for him to make that to say like we'll get we'll we'll tell the primary care physician and see if he can get like a to see what he thinks or something.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

Exactly I think and I think that was the only thing we kind of asked for was like hey okay but take this list and tell like one of her doctors you need to come with this list and say these are the things that our kids experienced with her. And it was I believe the outcome of that list that that got her what is it called a referral to a neuropsychologist that she ended up going to like have a full cognitive evaluation by and that was probably one of the most important things that could happen in in her total diagnosis was actually getting that because I think truly I think that if we wouldn't have pushed for that she could have spent years more in this place of it's just anxiety. She just doesn't travel well like stress is hard changes are exactly like a lot of people do they brush it off. Yeah exactly do you I know there's a lot more there's probably one more part that we need to cover which is like that that part of the di like what happened with that evaluation there's the part around you took a trip out to May and there was more that happened then and then there's the thing to and there was the trip that I took out in June as well and then finally that led up to the neurologist appointments. So I guess the one of the reasons that we wanted to share this story is because I I hope that it's kind of comforting for any of you out there who have either been through an experience like this or who maybe living this experience right now to kind of know this is a very common part before a diagnosis where you're trying to piece these puzzle pieces together and there's not one conclusive piece that can steer you or or be a guiding light. Like you kind of have to take the patterns that are happening trust your gut try to work with your medical team and and a mixture of that that I mean that's what ends up working for us which we will go over more next time because as as this trip concluded at the beginning of April we ended up with her full diagnosis at the end of June. So there's probably part three to come which is what happened the rest of April May and into June there were a couple of different experiences that Amber and I had traveling out to spend time with her in her home things that we observed in her home location and then of course I guess the experience with different doctors that she had to actually get to that diagnosis. So I think for today we hope this has been helpful for you. So thank you for joining us today. And we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_02 42:06

Bye-bye if this episode resonated with you or if someone you love is navigating an Alzheimer's diagnosis please know you don't have to fight it alone. The Alzheimer's Association is a free 247 resource available to anyone who needs support. Whether you're newly diagnosed, deep in caregiving or just trying to understand what comes next you can reach them anytime at 1 800 272 3900. You can also reach them online at alz.org