More than Fridays. Hello and welcome to episode two of More Than Fridays. Um, I had last week off because it was um quite a busy week. Uh something happened, and I'll probably be able to talk about it a little later on, maybe in a few months, maybe a few weeks, maybe a year. Um, but there's uh legal things that I have to deal with. Um, I did post some things on Instagram, so many of you are probably aware of that. I know some of you put some posts in the comments, but a lot's been happening. Um, on Sunday, I ran 22 miles with my daughter, Anna, um, for Blind Veterans UK, which was fantastic. It was the extra axe um along the Jurassic Coast. It was super so hard. It was so hard. Uh, she got 20 minutes faster than me, as she should, and I'm super proud of her. It really is a really tricky trail run, and it's changed quite quite a lot in the years that I last did it. I did it about 15 years ago, and I don't remember anybody having um sticks or anything like that. Um, we all just kind of ran it like a road race, but uh people are much more kitted out now, including myself. I took my own water bottles. The funniest thing is though, is back then it wasn't supported and I didn't have any water bottles, so it was really hard to do that. I did do a relay once and then I did it myself, and I did it a week before the marathon, which was absolutely insane. But yeah, it was I'm really proud of myself because um it was very challenging, and so we've got three weeks now until the three peaks, all for Blind Veterans UK, and we're trying to raise five grand, managed to reach 50% of that target. So that's been great. I've it's been quite a week because um I had a shoot yesterday with a big company, you're probably gonna see it on the socials. It was a lot of fun, but I didn't have any other dates to give them, so I was thinking, well, it's gonna be Tuesday. Now I didn't really consider that I might not be able to walk very well. Um, I was very stiff, but I managed to make it work. Um, so that was quite funny. So it's been so busy. I ran the 22 miles, slept that night, got up super early on the Monday, drove home, had to film some bits and pieces, got back in the car, headed to London, ready to shoot yesterday. Come up here. Um, so but I do like a very full and eventful life. I've got the dogs with me. I've got two of the dogs, as you know, I've got seven dogs. I've got because um I am feeling a bit stressed this week, but I really wanted I didn't want to miss another podcast. So Rick doesn't live too far from me. I said, Rick, I know I haven't pre-booked you, but you fancy doing the podcast tonight. Ready? I really want to get it out this Friday. So um, thanks to Rick, you've got one this week. Um, so I have indeed prepared. I've got my phone, so I'll be reaching over and just scrolling. I've got to work this out because there's certain things I can't say, there's certain words I can't say, and I've got a skirt around them, but I think you'll get the gist. I'm just gonna refer to my line of work as my industry, make it as simple as that. Um, some other things I refer to as dates, it's very simple. So, talking about my industry, we we stopped last week, um not last week, but the week before, and I stopped on a subject about being a parent in the industry, and this comes up a lot actually. In fact, I was talking about it yesterday, and I don't think I'll start on that, but I am going to cover that one. Um, but I have got my my reminders for me to cover and go over. Um so yeah, I would start off just saying how what my industry is about is obviously about one particular act, and it's so much more than that because you know there's always something going on. Like today, I've had more issues with literally as we were starting up um this podcast, I got a uh notice through, and I have a problem again with bank accounts. Um, there is a struggle with OnlyFans payments, but there are other options, and I'm I'm exploring those and I find it quite interesting because nothing will ever get me down. Um, it's not illegal what we're doing, it's just certain banks just don't like it. Um, I I remember there's a the purple website, um, they use things like Paxum. I'm gonna be looking at that um this week and trying other solutions. So when I do get the results from those, I will be able to share them with you because I know a lot of people do struggle with finding the solutions. I'm always looking for the solutions. If I have a problem, I'm got quite a good network of people that can help me. So, as annoying as it is, it's just another way of me finding a solution and then I'm able to share it with everyone. Um, so yeah, the the industry is pretty much for me, it's been about survival, betrayal, motherhood, and of course, power, um, and learning sometimes the hard way, and about who I can actually trust. And that's the biggest one is having people around you that you can trust. Um, you know, having my contents um deleted um is been very difficult. Um, having a team that I can trust is so so important, and um, yeah, it's it's just it has thrown me a little bit because um I didn't I wasn't expecting that at all to happen. Um but it will, I do believe that we'll get trust justice. I don't I think that person, um I d I just don't know, I probably can't really say too much. Um, and I best move on because it is in the hands of the professionals, the legals, um, and that will get handled. But the only thing is is you just got to to sit on it when it happened. I was so angry, so angry and upset and hurt because I have looked after that person very well, and um I think it was just done completely out of spite and maliciously. Um, and there's three years worth of content on the phone, so I'm not gonna lie down and take it, put it that way. And you can insert whatever silly comment you want about lying down and taking it, referring to my job. So um, I've been in the industry, yes, 20 odd years, um, and nothing shocks me anymore. It really, really doesn't, but a lot has shaped me, and some have shaped me for the good and some have shaped me for the bad. In the sense, if I'm honest, um if I'm honest, you can become a little bit hard on certain matters. Um, this isn't the glammed up version of this podcast. I am just gonna always speak the truth. So, you know, who am I? Who am I? First of all, who do I? I'm a human being, which I think a lot of um people that in the comments and stuff fail to understand. But I've really come to peace really with haters, and and the haters are generally um a man who's just not sort of generally most of them are men, not all men, but there are some women, but generally it's just really of lower intelligence because I do think that if somebody's emotionally intelligent, they just don't really they don't really make comments like that. The difference between seeing a bad comment and letting it affect you, um I I kind of had have made peace with this in my own mind, and I've kind of like detached myself from some of the silly things that that get said, and when I put a face to and I kind of imagine this, the person that's whatever's been said, whether it's nasty, uh you know, general comments that you get, we it's very easy to focus on that particular negative comment. And when I actually put a face, sorry, my dog is just no when I actually put a face it's just so distracting. When I put a face and an identity to this type of person, I think what type of person is gonna say that? Would I give that person if they're out on the street the time of day? No, because for me, that person just has no, they don't want to hear you, they don't want to see you, they're just nasty. And what do we think about nasty of evil people? Well, we don't really like them. Um, and I do think there's I haven't got the time of day for them. I've got more, I would just want to be around people who do have compassion, empathy, and a little bit more understanding because I know they're out there because I think about my my um dates and clients and what have you, and there are super emotionally intelligent people that I deal with on a day-to-day basis, and I just go, I'm just gonna focus on those, and it takes me back, it grounds me again because I think it's so easy with social media to get consumed into that nonsense, that absolute nonsense and waste your energy. And phone addiction is a thing, you know. I'm always on my phone, and that's when I'm like, get off, get off, get off, get off, because it's just it's just gonna steal your energy, and there's no point. Um, but yeah, me first of really first and foremost, I am a mum, you know, I'm a mum, and that's super important to me, and how she sees me is really important. I'm a mum to my dogs. Um, I have a lot of love to give, and I thought to my, you know, I don't have a partner, which you know is through choice. Um and the love that I don't want to give, that I don't have to give in a romantic relationship, I have so much love to give that I have to give that love somewhere, and I love to give it to my friends, my dogs, my daughter, and it's so fulfilling to have a home where you know I come back, and it's just my home is full of love, you know, my dogs, and it's absolutely wonderful. I've been away, it's been busy, things have happened. I come home, it's really, really grounding, and I love being a mum, I really do. It does change everything being a mum and being a mum in this industry. It has been difficult, um, but you know, my kids are a lot older now. Would I recommend it? No, no, I wouldn't. I think it's very difficult being a parent in this industry, and um people get into it for whatever reason. Um, it's very, very tricky, it's very tricky, and it's something that I have a lot of conversations with people. And I said, love conquers all. You know, if you've got a really good relationship with your family or with your children, it just works itself out. Um it really does, and I I think it's more about other people's views of the industry um and how how for example how do I deliver what I do on social media. See, I act differently on Instagram than I would on Twitter because I know that certain people aren't on Twitter, you know. Um Instagram, I'm a little bit more cautious on Instagram and of course TikTok because the rules, but yeah, I treat treat my platform who I because I know which ones are reaching who, you know, and the thing about being a mum is I am quite mindful. I mean, you don't get to move recklessly when you've got someone depending on you. I I have to rethink my actions when um I'm making things, and I do think about that, I do think about who's gonna see it. Um it does I I'm very, very mindful of what I'm putting out there. I'm I do think things through and and what people are gonna see because years ago it was a lot easier to get away with things and just the right market find what you're doing, um, and you can sort of miss the mums at the school and things like that, but now it's just free-for-all, everything's getting everywhere really quickly, everyone can see everything, you know. Um, so I am very careful. I didn't always get that right, I didn't always get that right, and I do I do remember with the cocktail video. I do remember checking and being like, Is this too much? And someone said it was my ex at the time and was like, No, it's just you being you, and I'm really glad I did release that video, obviously. I do remember um a little argument, actually, I must say, that me and Sophie had about um it was I think she mentioned it on a podcast, she had um gone out in Brixton on a dog lead, and because it was quite soft and it could get viral, if it if things were quite graphic or a bit more not gonna go viral because they're too risky, it was almost a little bit better to make that sort of content because it wouldn't get out there, it wouldn't get into the wrong hands. And I remember this video, and I said, try don't you think you should be careful because of your son? Anyway, that didn't go down well at all, and I think it's such a touchy subject talking to people about their kids that that can come across as and I it's it's a real shame that she took it like that because I only meant absolute love for that one. Um, I remember it was Damien. Uh obviously, I'm not gonna be I I found it I didn't I didn't like it, Damien walking around on a dog lead in the middle of Brixton, and I was like, How would you feel if your son saw that? And there's certain things because it was so soft, because youngsters shouldn't be seeing adult stuff anyway, but because it was like in the realms of like you could get this could definitely pass through TikTok, this could definitely pass through Instagram, it was like that could end up in a WhatsApp group of a bunch of kids, whereas the chances are adult stuff isn't going to, and I've always kind of seen that. There's you kind of knew what was going to end up where, and definitely didn't take it very well at all, and that was hard, that was really hard that conversation because absolutely it's none of my business, but I I wanted to have that conversation with her to like start thinking about these things. Um I find you know, now because I've got my name, I don't have to do such risky things. You kind of a lot of guys they look at me and they know um what I what I do or where they can find me. So social media and promoting myself is so much different to what it used to be. So now I'm thinking of doing more like reality stuff with my friends coming around here and like myself and Rick producing that, and having a bit more fun with it with not being as in your face, but really about getting to know myself as a real person and do you know, seeing more of the reality side of things that seems to be the kind of avenue that I'm taking at the moment, rather than being so extreme as an adult star. Um, you know, if you go back 10 years ago, it was all about oh, I need to show off how naughty I am on all of the platforms, and I just don't think that's working anymore. That's you're gonna get kicked off of TikTok, you're gonna get kicked off of Instagram. Is it actually worth it? I mean, talking of Instagram, you know, the scams of these companies that and I think they genuinely prey on vulnerable people that think Instagram is the be all and end all. So I fell for it once where they took my account got taken down, my very original one when it was the Cotch Droyers at the blue, I got given the blue tick, and it just went. Sophie's went as well, and it was nothing to do with it, each of us, but we must have been doing risky things, which is fine because I think you just do, and because you are you do what you do, you're gonna get kicked off. I'm I'm a adult star, Kim Kardashian isn't, so she can do more than me. Everybody's going, Well, why can they because it's what we do, and they don't want us on that platform. That's the truth. So, you know, you get these scammers that have got you know Ferraris and stuff like that. I can get you a million followers, I can get you this, I can do that, I can get your account back. Well, they never get your accounts back. Some of them do, but you are in the loop then. That account is going to keep getting taken off you. It's a scam, and people are falling for it left, right, and centre, because they're getting more money out of you, and you're just gonna keep paying up and paying up and paying up. And I full for trick me once, and that's it, I'm done. But the people that are continuously paying out again and again, they've got more money than sense, and it's like more for you. I think the thing is, is as an adult creator, you should go right. I get the game, I get it, it's risk. You're gonna have bank accounts taken off you, you're gonna have in you're gonna have accounts taken off you because they don't want you, and it is starting to feel a little bit like um discrimination. It does, you know. Um, there's not as much that you can do it, can do, and it is it is quite negative in that sense, but there's always a solution. I wouldn't get hung up out about Instagram. I don't know if any adult stars are actually making money out of Instagram, but it is a marketing tool, so it's just about changing the way that we do things. I don't make things, I mean, I've seen oh god, I've seen some stuff, right, that's so close to the edge. I think what happens is you I think people go, I'm gonna take a little bit, I'm gonna take a little bit, and then their account goes, they go, I can't believe my account's gone. Well, I can because you're doing stuff like this. For example, I'm gonna give you an example, okay? So they'll this will be the camera and they'll be going you know, insinuating things, and it's like they are treating Instagram like it's stupid, like they're stupid, but your page is just gonna get taken down. I've decided to just totally I went right Instagram. I've learned I'm just going to keep it as clean as possible, keep it as clean as possible for for whatever reason. X is still the platform that you can pretty much put what you want on there. Um, that is I would say the only one, apart from all these other mod other monitored websites that people can use. Um, so yeah, Instagram, I really just use my own. There are some amazing, I use my own personality. There are some amazing younger generation content creators that are just smashing it, absolutely smashing it with their personality, and I just think it's brilliant to watch. I just think it's I get so much joy from watching um some younger content creators, and it's really, really fun. And then a lot I I do um just watch and just um just find just think you're gonna get your page taken off you, you know. Um I don't get excited by stuff like that. I get excited when I see new content, I get excited by people being creative. I think the days of being a clever dicky and kind of getting trying to get away with things are gone because I don't think into Instagram will tolerate it at all. Um, but that said, the worst thing that happens to me is I've got two um Instagrams and I put one of them on the the one one of my smaller accounts and it just doesn't like that other Instagram, so I just took it off. And I have an I have a nice time on Instagram now. I enjoy it, I give a little bit of my real life away. Um, but yeah, it's great. And I I to be honest, TikTok, I could never really get into TikTok. I put all my content on TikTok and it seems to do pretty well. I actually got a payment from TikTok uh this week, which was great, which is quite nice. Nothing to scream home about, but it was more than I'd got in the past. Um, so yeah, uh move on a little bit now. Yeah, so talking about balancing this industry with my real life um relationships and things, it's a it's a constant switch. Um, I'm one person at work and I'm a I'd say a completely different person at home. And and that's okay. I think it took me a while. I remember being at work and being like, oh no, I'm this person all the time. You're definitely two different people. Definitely are. Um, and I think women could probably identify with this a lot more than men. I think women, I certainly know that myself, we really have to put a whole lot more effort into ourselves and into life and into work than men do, you know, the makeup, the hair, the the this looks maxim. We've been doing that for years. Looks maxim. Hello, we've been doing that for years. You know, men are just starting to take it up now, but um, it's a real effort. A lot goes into um being glam and effortless. I think there's a couple of pictures where you know guys say you've got no makeup on. I think, well, I actually have. Yeah, you never quite know how much goes into you know skincare routines and things like that. Um, and then it's almost like you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't, because oh, so you you're a piece of shit if you're not a natural beauty, and it's like, okay, well, give me a break. So I think that is where now a lot of women are just like, yeah, we don't care anymore. You know, we're just gonna keep going, keep doing our thing, you know. Um so yeah, the double, the double life kind of thing. It is good to keep it separate. I keep my studio separate from my home life. I love to just unwind at home, is where I really let the the guard down. No makeup, comfy clothes, being in my garden, being happy. Um yeah, I think you do have to have those just be being yourself, you know, being tired, being grumpy, yeah, being being myself, doing the doing the ugly stuff, you know, the domestic life. That's real life, you know, two people and um yeah, uh raising looking after family, running a business, you know, there's lots to handle there. Whereas work is fun, you know, it's for me it is quite glamorous. It's my escapism where I put my makeup on and do my thing, earn my money, have fun. I do like the diversity of my life, and I do think it's important to keep keep things separate. I think working like I do work, obviously, I work from home, but I have separate areas in my bedroom now. I don't have any shooting going on in my bedroom, nothing, I don't even have a TV in there, keep everything separate, studio separate. I don't I do this because it's a little bit different because this isn't quite, you know, industry work, and this is quite nice as long as it's relaxed and I like to keep good energy through my house, and it's fun to do the reality stuff. I've got friends coming over next week, I've got Emily Balfront Siena Day coming over next week. I can't wait. I've got some great fun ideas, and I quite like doing TikToks with other people. I don't really like doing them on my own, so I'm gonna be doing some with them, and we're just trying some new different things, you know. Got always change marketing and try different things, keeping up with the times. So I've got a section here which is headed trusting people and betrayal, you know. I think I think I I've talked about this last week about your inner circle. Uh, let's talk about people. Your inner circle will either elevate you or quietly destroy you. It's true, they will. Um, and the hardest lesson: not everyone around me is there because they care about me. So I'll rephrase that not everyone around you is there because they care about you, and really I refer to this in my industry, and everything I talk about is like in my industry, they are there because of what you can give, okay. You know, I get a lot of experience from this, and people can say, you know, when you're paying out, they can say whatever, like you're this, your family, that nonsense. If you're paying someone, you're not family, it's as simple as that. Well, you can, but I I find that I've I've learned you can pay family, of course, but it's a bit it's a bit grey area. I think that one's a grey area for me. Um, the truth is I don't think you can employ friends, doesn't work, doesn't work because it's just that work effort goes, it just doesn't work, it really doesn't. That's my experience. Yours might be different, but mine, no, and family, you know, it can sometimes work, but I just don't think so. I think the family thing, no, no, no, no. Watch out for people that say I've got your back. Because the chances are they don't. Um, yes, when people are overly nice, it's probably a little red flag. Um, but yeah, when we're talking about what people can give you, you know, money, access, lifestyle, and status, you know, what can and the thing is I'm a generous person at heart and I don't want to lose that. And I think when you have been um shot on, I think it's easy to become a bit of an arsehole and think everybody is tarred with that. Say, like if you have a bad relationship, you can tar everybody, tarnish everybody with that brush, and I don't want to become that person because um, you know, I think I'll tell you what the biggest problem is in this industry is the limitations of who you think you can bring in to work for you because of this industry, because you know, it's not like a regular job, but these days there's more availability of people that are willing to work, and I think that's been a real positive, it's been an absolute positive because if you've only you're just limited to certain people, then they're just gonna take advantage of that, and it's happened more than once, and I've seen it happen more than once, and I think we can get really comfortable about um wanting to stick with the same people because it's easy and we think we trust them, but sometimes you've just got to shake it up and feel uncomfortable. I feel that being some level of a boss has been one of the most uncomfortable experiences, and not everyone's gonna like you, and that you've got to be okay with. You've got to be okay with not everybody liking you, and I I think there's a little bit of a woman thing where we want everybody to be okay and to like us, and we don't want change and a nice environment, but sometimes you've got to be blunt with people and just honest. Some people are shit at their job, and they've got to be told, and some people can't take it. I've written some brutal words down here. I think I'm gonna have to leave them out. I I wrote this I wrote this just uh recently. I think we'll leave a few of that out. Yeah, I would agree with that. I've had moments where I've thought, why does it feel like everyone's against me when I'm the one paying out? I have felt like that. I have also felt just that first sentence, why is everyone against me? Like the things it just some I said to Rick earlier, I said sometimes it feels like this something amazing happens, then boom, something shit happens, something amazing happens, something shit happens, and I just think it's just business, it's not always gonna be like that, it's just business, it's just ambition, and I do think that so many people online go through that. Everybody's got their cross to bed. I love that saying because it's true. Actually, when this thing happened last week, I had um one of my dates reached out. I had a lot of dates reach out, actually, and they were great. And actually, um I got a story, a brilliant story, and it really stopped me in my tracks, and it made me think that's insane. What happened to that person is by far greater than they weren't trying to make my story small, they were they just said, I've got I've got a story that you might like to hear, and I did. I loved it. It was so insane. Um, it was so insane, and I genuinely, it's it was so it was such a massive story of what happened to them and how much the implications of the financial they could have lost any everything and how they dealt with it. It was quite inspiring, and it actually made me not worry so much about what had gone on for my one. And I was like, there's always someone out there worse off, you know. There's everybody's got their thing, it's just everybody's everybody has their issues, and I think sometimes when you have a problem, it's so easy to think it's the end of the world and this is the worst thing, and it's really never that that's never the case, you know, it's really not, it's just handling those emotions. So, yeah, the point that I definitely want to get to cross is when trust has been broken, it it does change you as a person. Um, but I think for the better, because I do think I'm a very trusting person, you just got to be careful about who you trust, especially where you've got um and but you have to trust people, you have to have an ability to trust people, but also cover your ass. Um I I thought to myself, this thing that'd be nice. I thought that's the sort of thing that an ex-boyfriend does, like, but then again, I would have never trusted an ex-boyfriend to to have that level of power, so that's it's kind of a it's just you live and learn. But I when you have a business, you do have to trust people, you have to, you know. Yeah, I've put here, you know, things do change you, you know. Bro break breach of trust definitely changes you, and I I do feel I've become a lot more sharper, more observant, and I I wouldn't say quieter, I did put that, but I'll take that back. But yeah, more observant and just a bit more alert, I think. So I've got another topic here: mistakes and hard lessons. So I have made loads of mistakes, and I definitely think mistakes um are for the best. Um, there's some I regret, big ones. I've made big mistakes emotionally, financially, and professionally. I've trusted the wrong people, trusted the wrong men. Um I've let toxic relationships distract me massively. I had um I had a seven-year situationship, and that was with one of the dates, and a lot of people know about this, and that I actually think that taught me, it's it built me into who I am today, and it taught me so much that I'm never gonna make those mistakes again. I do think there was a level of like addiction there, like uh perhaps there's codependency within me. That's why I I'm very cautious for relationships. I don't think for me personally, relationships in this industry holds me back, not doing it, and that taught me that situationship definitely taught me that um it's just not for me and it doesn't work, it really doesn't, it's it starts off all well and good, but it's just a massive distraction. Um, I let people into my space who had no business to be there. Um, and I can't say that's not gonna happen again. We just live and learn, you know. Um I do like my writing sometime. I've written here vultures, parasites, opportunists, they exist everywhere, but in this industry they can smell vulnerability a mile off. And I don't think it's I I don't know they say, don't they they let talk about the word narcissist, okay, and they're like narcissists go for these kind of people. I'm like, when I think about the people that I've you know had disagreements with, I don't feel like they're like, oh, I'm gonna pray on this person, I'm gonna pray on that person, but I do think there's a level of they sense like I can push this brown tree, I can you know, I can say this, I can, and whereas if you go, listen, don't mess with me, or you're gone out of my life. I don't think I've been like that in the past, and I think now I'm much more a bit more like that. Um yeah, I'm that seven year situationship really did radically change me, I think, to a lot more of a stronger woman, and when I look back to the day that I got into that, I I am a completely different person. Such I feel like something's awakened here in my front, and I've grown up, and I'm like almost I look back on the woman that I was and I like I love her, like I'm God bless you. Like you're so like uh um like a rabbit in the lights. I would never make that mistake again, ever, ever make that mistake again. And but yeah, let's get real, women do get taken advantage of. It's it's a thing, it is a thing. Um, it happens, but I'm a lot wiser now. I've had so many things over the years of if it sounds too good to be true, it generally is too good to be true. Um that's that I live by that so much. I live by it. Yeah, I mean, I've put here you get women get taken advantage of, and I can honestly say that about uh relationships, business, even something like doing this house up. I had to get my brother-in-law once to come here because you know, idiots, men, blah blah blah. Things are a lot better now, but about getting overcharged, um, underestimated, spoken to like I don't understand. Things definitely change now. I've changed and I've got great people around me. I've I've got a lot of a lot of balls now, um, but it took time, it took time. I know a lot more about renovation now, and just not wanting to get it all done at once is really important. So, yeah, on on that one, love in the industry, very, very, very complicated. You can definitely find it, you can definitely find love in the industry. Um, but if you don't know your worth and you don't have any self-worth, you will lose yourself trying to keep it. That is the truth. I do think that uh since probably I would say on my journey of self-building my self-esteem back up and building my self-worth up, I didn't even understand what self-worth was, but now I really do, and I've got so much more um self-respect, self-worth. Um, it's very easy for people to go, you ain't got self-respect in that job. Well, actually, I do, I do, and I think we've all got our own rights to how we see things. Um, yeah, I definitely do. Okay, I've got a heading here about mentality, ADHD, and coping. I always talk about this product topic because it is really important. Mental health, ADHD. My my brain doesn't always work in straight lines. Okay, I've got more awareness about myself, ADHD, overwhelm, spinning plates. It's a lot, it's a lot. Yeah, so you're my mind can be my biggest strength or my biggest downfall. It really can, and I've definitely had to learn how to ground myself. Grounding myself, the dogs really grounding. Doing this podcast is very grounding, talking to my friends, being around Anna, um, the garden. I've learned to kind of cut my life up in the sense of excuse me. The job's quite chaotic, but I kind of like that, I like the excitement, but I have to have peace. I have to have peace, and I really do enjoy um being in the garden, finding that peace. I never had that, and it's really nice to come home and be grounded. So I've written a bit here. Um, whether that's mindset, prayer, law of attraction, call it whatever you want, but for me, it's about staying connected to something bigger than the noise. Because if I don't control my mind, the industry will do it for me. Okay, I've got another section here: structure, success, and control. At some point, I realized if I don't create structure, this life is gonna swallow me whole. I had to get a grip of things, I had to become more organized. The whiteboard that was amazing. My Google Calendar, um, pen and paper always, having a PA. I've got a new pa now. Um, she is amazing. And if it's not working, change it, really change it. Don't sit on that thing or that person until you think it's gonna work itself out. It's not change it. I think when you start another rule, when you feel like you can't have a conversation with somebody without them reacting insanely, they have to go. You know, if it's a if if it's whatever, if it's a work relationship, if it's a relationship, you can't work with that in anything, you know. So I do my best to be organised. My if my room's a mess and my handbag's a mess, we know that my mind's a mess. I really love things being together and things like that. Um, so me being organised, I'm so organised for my job. But sometimes, you know, the suitcase, I can't master a suitcase, I cannot master a suitcase. I either overpack, underpack, forget something. I'm not neat and tidy, I'm very chaotic in that, and that's one thing that I don't know, I just need more time, but I just cram everything in, so that's where things like that become a bit crazy. Um, I can never pack light, I can never pack light. I do envy men because when we go to set like yesterday, you had a little backpack, a little outfit. That was it. I have a full-blown case, makeup, hair, everything. So, routine systems, priorities, the admin. I go through that once a week. I have um my PA that'll sit there with me and we'll go through everything, and I am so much better now than I used to be. I used to just put my head in the sand, admin. I think most of my job is bloody admin. Um, of course, it's answering emails and things like that, but the running of the whole life like the taxes, the VATs, the making sure all the bills are being paid and things like that, I would say that's a bigger chunk than the actual work that I do. Yeah, success. I've written here that you know, success isn't just about earning money, it's about sustaining it. It really is. And I started thinking like a business long, long time ago, long time ago. But learning how to actually function like a business is a different matter. So, all the things such as who am I hiring, who actually adds adds value, um, what tech makes my life easier, where is the time being wasted? These are all things that I will look at and evaluate like check out every week. Um, because not everyone deserves access to you, you know, who are we spending our time with, who are we wasting our time with? It's really important. Um, and not everybody deserves a role in your life or your business. Change is good, change is good, um, and not everyone's gonna like you, just remember that. Not everyone's gonna like you. Um, can't like please everyone, really can't. So I have got another section. I've got I've put everything in sections to keep it nice and neat. So it's again me being quite organised because I knew that today um I'd had a very busy week. I was worried I was gonna forget things, and I hadn't quite planned anything on pen and paper. So um, I've got my notes here. Self-care, body and brand. Um, let's talk about self-care then. I love self-care, I've got better of that since I've been on my own. Um, it's not obviously just bubble bath and candles, although I do like that, and I'm a bit of a bit partial to a lush bath bomb. My daughter introduced me to bath bombs, and I'm I love them. I it's quite a luxury for me actually. I love it. Um, it's maintenance, discipline. Um I I tell you what I used to do, and I quite like it sometimes, like going out, haven't brushed my hair, got no makeup on, but I do think it's important self care to really to like the makeup process and put myself in a nice outfit and just feeling good. Um, I do have a lovely morning routine, I do enjoy my morning routine, but I do need peace. I think the self care thing of peace, having half an hour to connect with my higher power. And plan things, and you know, am I really taking care of myself? Um, discipline, I'm quite disciplined, and then at other times I'm just not, you know, that's balancing itself. Diet, fitness, energy, it's so important. I'm I I'm an athlete, okay. I might not be a top athlete, but I I train because I have so much to do. I need to be fit, I need to be running up those hills to know that I can run up them hills for 22 miles, get back, sleep, get back out there, work, and I for me, that kind of power and energy is very leadership, and I need to be that. I need to lead the people that I'm employing, I need to lead my daughter as a mother and show her how to be in life. I I I really enjoy um being the top of my game, the top of my fitness game. I absolutely love it. And I think when I was out there running, I just I enjoyed it so much. I really do enjoy not kind of just going down the gym, even though I want to start doing a bit more weights and stuff. I don't have a goal or a purpose when I'm just going to the gym, but knowing that I'm going to do something like the three peaks, I'm going to climb mountains, or I'm going to climb, you know, do something outdoors and see beautiful things, it's way more motivating for me. But I do like triathlons, I do like wild swimming. Like I it's triathlon's my thing. Hyrox, I I thought it was fun, it's not really my thing. I do think how it sculpts the body is beautiful. I'm not I'm not really that into high rocks if I'm honest. Um, I appreciate it, and I'm I might do another one, but it's it's lot I would say my thing is definitely more triathlon. I want to do an Iron Man. I don't know. I might I'm I said 2027, might be 2028 now. It's got to fit in with my life because the training for that's nuts, it's absolutely nuts. Um, and until then, I'm just gonna after the three peaks, I really want to focus on my business, but I have to have challenges. If not, I will just completely work. That's all I'll do. So I'm going to focus on swimming and running and then um get back into light cycling a bit more. I haven't been on the bike, I've got my walk bike to stay fit, but I know that as soon as I set a challenge, give me 10 months and I'll I'll be I'll be I'll be smashing it. Um but I do have to set those goals because it keeps me really focused, balancing, training, balancing, having a really packed life is I love it. And then I rest, I rest. I like to feel like I've deserved my rest. I give myself permission. Actually, my my coach gives me the permission to rest. Um, my body's my image, it's important. My body's my image, but also it's my attitude, it's my attitude. I like being extreme. I like being extreme. There's people that are out there more extreme than me, but to me, running up running the Jurassic Coast before I have to do a shoot in you know the next day and drive into London, that's pretty extreme. That's quite extreme behaviour. Yeah, you know, it's not normal. I'm kind of fine, could be ill or anything. My dog's had a haircut. Um, yes, um, yeah, my body is my image, and um it's a big part of my brand, it's very important. You know, I get some lovely kind words of you're looking better than ever. I also am a 45-year-old woman, and I should look my age. My you know, I I don't want to get sucked into that. Um I don't want to get sucked into the bubble of having too much work done again. I have work, yes, uh, but I do want to stay grounded. Oh, it's little leg, little leg shakes. I do want to stay grounded. I do like looking my age. I have no hang-ups about that. Um, you know, this need for women to constantly look younger than they are. Yeah, we want to look fresh, I want to look hot. I don't want to look like a smooth baby's bum completely. You know, I do like a bit of Botox. I'm not into fillers, never doing those again, not doing my lips again. I've got big enough lips as it is, and there's probably some remnants in there from the like masses I used to get pumped into my lips in the cock destroyer days. Um, but yeah, I just it's part of life. Getting older is part of life, so I just want to make the most of myself, and the thing is you can't please everyone. Say if all of a sudden I decide to get ripped and I want muscles, there's gonna be someone out there going, I hating the way you look. You can't win as a woman, you can't win. So serve yourself, be happy. And I'm really I've really made peace with like I'm alright aging, I'm alright. I'm I would like to live a long, healthy old life, and you can't hang on to like trying to look 30 when you're in your 50s and 60s. Honestly, we posted something yesterday, and I did see the negative comments. She's about 80. Like, grow up, uh it's obvious I'm not 80, but that's the kind of thing that you've got to listen to, and it's like when you take yourself away from that and you step aside, you go, how fucking childish, how stupid have you got to be to say that? Like, truthfully, like it really is ridiculous. Um yeah, so just when I accept I've accepted that not everyone's gonna have nice things to say about me, are they? But my dogs, they love me, they've always got nice things to say about me. Yeah, so I I did talk about burnout last week, I think. Not last week, the week before. Um I've got to be careful this week because what happens is I go, actually, I'm alright. I'm gonna go down the gym and then I'm ill. So I've got to be, I'm in the real vulnerable stages because I haven't slowed down. I've been on the go straight into this. I'm gonna be doing a live show tonight, I've got to get it straight on, got to do all my customs, I've got to be real careful, I've got to be really careful because this is a vulnerable stage, you know, after an event, and I've got to do a six-hour walk at the week, weekend ready for uh the three peaks. So so I do have to be very careful at the moment, making sure I'm eating and things like that. Because if I burn out and I'm ill, well, that's no good to me, is it? Concluding on that chaos on that um segment, I put here the industry rewards consistency, not chaos. Although some of my chaotic creations do quite well, some of my content creations, but generally chaos in when you're organizing the business never works. Lots of changes around here, um, some that are being quite disappointing, but I just think it's life, it's not the end of the world. Sophie's Gardens coming on really nicely, really nicely. I've got a fantastic team. Um, I'm enjoying the process. The sun starting to come out, and I'm loving that. Um, I've got some great things happening next week. I've got friends over next week, got a lot of friends coming over, and I am changing my brand ever so slightly as I just evolve as a person, and I'm enjoying that. I'm enjoying I'm enjoying the direction that I'm going. Um I have done, I have shot for a big company this week, it was a lot of fun, and I didn't really do like a farewell scene. So this was pretty much it. And I've done some new work, I'm really enjoying things, and I'm speaking to uh a friend to help me with some writing. I'd like some assistance because I don't want to just try and do everything myself. I would like some guidance. I've got lots of friends, creative friends that are in writing and things. I want to keep doing my blogs and my Substack. And those are, I think if I could give myself some advice when I was younger, I would say keep a diary of all the funny stuff, you know, keep a diary of the work diary of what you do each day. I just think it's helpful just putting it down, and it's such great memories, and I would really like to implement that myself is writing a bit more each day about things. Um, but I do have quite a good memory for it all. But keeping a diary, keeping a log is so important because we just forget so much. Um, and I wish I had done kept old diaries because that would have been really good. I have written some bits like old blog vlogs and stuff, and it's quite nice to go back and read them. So, what happens is I'll write, write, write, then I'll get busy and I'll stop writing. So tonight I've said to myself, I'm gonna write, even if it's just a small bit, I'm gonna put an entry in because a lot happen a lot is happening uh recently. Um, and I need to get those vlogs in. Substack's great. Um, if you haven't got a Substack, I think it's a really great place to post your stuff. I haven't been deleted off there yet, so all good there. Um, so yes, I hope you've enjoyed um this this one. It's been um a nice little catch-up. Um, I will give a closing closing statement. I'm very pro my industry, I think it can be life-changing, a lot of fun. You meet some fabulous people. It certainly didn't break me, it showed me exactly who I needed to become. Um, stronger, sharper, more aware. And the real power is knowing that not everyone deserves access to you or to me, not everybody does. Um, and that's where everything changes. Definitely protecting yourself, protecting your energy. I think when I was younger, oh my god, everybody could have a peace. Do you know what I mean? Like, come to this party, come to that party, just say no now. No, protect my energy, protect my peace. But also, I've got to learn to lighten up as well. My daughter's like, Oh, please go on holiday, mum. And I'm like, No, I don't want to. I want to stay at home with the doggies and do the garden, but I'm just so happy here. This is the most grounded and stable I've ever been for a long time. I'm just really enjoying it. I'm just enjoying doing Sophie's garden so much, it's so nice. I'm having such a good time, it's lovely. Um, been thinking about her a lot lately, really nice stuff. I'm just really looking forward to her memorial and uh the gardening, the opening of the garden, just gonna be fabulous. You know, this YouTube channel is gonna be lots more. I'm enjoying it, I'm passionate about it. Please like and subscribe and engage with me because I really do read all the comments and I get back to people, and I would I would eventually like to go live if there's enough people can ask me whatever you want and what have you, but I will be coming back, I will be talking about more things, um, and keeping you up to date with the development of the current things that I'm going through. So I will call it a day there, and I hope you have enjoyed this um entry, and I'll see you hopefully next week. There's not too much trauma, there's always drama in my life, but we've got some great vlogs coming up, and I'll see you soon. Bye.