Is meaning in life found internally or externally?

In this episode, Kristina explores the difference between internally and externally derived meaning in life and the key ways we can find meaning and create a life worth living by way of external paths such as pursuing our purpose, aligned desires, connections with others and personal growth. You also learn about how the ego can stand in the way of finding meaning in life. 

To learn more about Kristina's work check out her website: https://www.kristinafuria.com/ and find her on Instagram at www.instagram.com/kristina.furia.

Want more from Kristina? Check out her new masterclass, The Anxiety Masterclass. It's free. https://www.kristinafuria.com/anxietymasterclass.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Worth Living For podcast. This podcast is about what makes life worth living and how to remove everything that stands in the way. And it'll be a perfect fit for you if you're currently in process with how to find more meaning in your life, if you're trying to make meaning out of struggle, or if you know there are certain things standing in the way of life feeling more meaningful, and you're looking for a new perspective or some practical guidance on how to get beyond them. Let's begin. In the first couple of episodes, I talked about how to find meaning by developing more curiosity for life, whether it be through asking more questions, being more observant, thinking more independently, or hopefully all of the above. This week I'm going to be a little critical of that perspective and dive into the question of whether or not a life truly worth living is derived through our internal experience, like thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and perspectives, or through our external one, like what we do, where we live, where we travel, and what we experience. First, let's review how it absolutely 100% makes sense that we have to find meaning in life through our internal approach to it. What we choose to notice, what we put our focus on, what we give meaning to, the intention we create around what and how we think, how much time we give to our own healing and growth journeys, and so many other things we can either choose to focus on within ourselves or not. We can also find meaning through the very decision to look for it and to be curious about life in both its predictability and in its unpredictability. I found this quote by Socrates in my research for this podcast that says, the unexamined life is not worth living. And I absolutely know that that is true. A life worth living is a life that you actually look upon and notice and hold intention around. Not just in the big things or big moments, but also in the small ones. And what makes finding value in life that's internally derived so powerful is that it's right here waiting for you. As soon as you choose it, you don't have to go out and buy it or save for it or go anywhere to get it. You just wake up one day and start living it. And you get to keep experimenting with it and figuring out what does and doesn't light you up and what sparks that sense of curiosity and what doesn't? And then from there, you get to feel into what of all of that actually does make you feel more alive and how, and whether you want to create more of it. So where does the external come in? How externally focused should we be? And how much do external elements of life, like professional accomplishments or material possessions, or anything else that we seek or pursue in the outer world, actually matter? I think the short answer to that is it's up to you. And the longer answer is that obviously life is in so many ways an external experience. We wake up every day and we look outside ourselves to do the day. We get out of bed and we brush our teeth, we make the coffee, we take care of the kids or the pets, we go to work, we connect with people, we do a million different things all day long, and that is how it's supposed to be. But I think the problem comes in because we end up almost exclusively looking outward. We make the outer experience everything, and our biggest forays into our more internal experience goes only as far as what we might think of as mindless thought, meaning thought that you choose not to direct or create any kind of intention around. Or maybe you are actually committed to self-work. You are here listening to this podcast after all, but it occurs while being bound to societal constructs that keep you trying to tell you the right way to do it based off of what has basically become pop culture for healing and personal growth. And the result is it's blocking you from finding your most aligned journey for your specific experience and needs. The next problem that comes up as it relates to how much or just how we're looking outside of ourselves is that as we look out, we're looking through the lens of our egos and it colors everything. If you've ever heard the saying rose-colored glasses, as I think most of us have, I always think of this as basically someone's specific ego setup. And lucky them if it's rose-colored, but pretty much your ego sets you up to see life through a lens that is not inherently essentially you, but that is instead an amalgamation of all of the conditioning you've acquired throughout life and of your defense mechanisms, which your ego sets up for you to help keep you safe based on your specific experiences and needs as a result of those experiences. So, what does this create? It creates disconnection between our lives and our essential selves and the truth contained within it. Let me just say that one more time. It creates disconnection between the life that we are living and the essential self within us and all of the truth contained within it. Connected to that is that we end up not aligning with our truest, most authentic desires for our lives because we don't go internally enough or far enough in when we do look inwards to figure out what our desires actually are. Or if we do discover them, which lots of us do at some point because they end up kind of just popping up anyway, we don't give them enough attention or weight, though. Or we invalidate them with all of our ego-based thoughts because our truest desires are so authentic and so good for us that it's actually too much for the ego to handle. The ego also causes us to simply value the wrong things because that's what an ego construct does. I call it an ego construct because you're meant to stay within the construct of your ego, lest be destroyed or fear destruction as a result of the discomfort that happens when you step outside of it. So your ego tells you to value, for instance, everything luxury, extensive clothes or ultra fancy cars, or the highest luxury travel, or whatever it is that your specific ego or ego construct tells you is important. And even though you are going kind of vaguely inward to notice these desires, you're still ultimately creating your outer world experiences or trying to create them based on information that isn't deeply you, that isn't truly you, but that is instead more of a created you that came into existence little by little throughout life. Another huge way that we stay too focused on the outer experience is that we worry too much about what everyone else thinks. And again, while we are going loosely inward to formulate these thoughts that relate to trying to fit in or wanting to be well liked or trying to avoid judgment, the main thing we're really doing is overly engaging in the external in a way that doesn't meaningfully contribute to life, or at least not to it feeling deeply worth living. So let's talk about how to be externally focused in ways that do add to the richness of life without being so outward-facing that you accidentally start diminishing it in your pursuits. We're going to look at finding meaning through purpose, finding meaning through pursuing your aligned desires, through finding connections with others, and through the pursuit of personal growth. And then, of course, we will talk about how everything else just kind of fits together. First, finding meaning through purpose. This is probably the most talked-about aspect of how to find meaning in life, and for good reason, because of course we are all meant to contribute meaningfully to the world around us and to find personal meaning through those contributions. So let's take this a little further. Purpose is most often defined, or at the very least, assumed to mean our careers. And in many cases, purpose is derived through our professional lives. I know that is for sure true for me in such a big way. And purpose can be found through so many other things as well, depending on who you are and what you are called to. And also depending on what phase of life you are in. For example, if you're in your early twenties, purpose for you is probably found through life experiences of all kinds. Meeting people and having so much fun and making mistakes and learning from it and trying things on for size and figuring out little by little what is meant for you. That is purpose. On the other hand, if you're in your 30s and you just stopped working because you're a new mom, purpose for you in this phase of life may simply be motherhood. And while there's all kinds of criticisms that you can probably find about that in society and maybe even within yourself, if you find the right perspective on it, motherhood, the act of loving someone and teaching them how to be good and of value in the world, it's one of the most beautiful purposes you can have. Or let's say you're in your 60s or 70s and you're retired, like my parents are, you may find purpose through things like community or your family or through projects or hobbies. Purpose is found in so many different ways and through so many different experiences. You just have to widen your view of what's included in the word purpose and what it means for you in this specific phase of life. And by the way, if you're someone who is in a stage where purpose is more specifically about finding or pursuing purpose through career, I will be doing an episode soon on a Japanese concept. It is a very interesting, very fascinating concept. It's called Ikigai. And it is about how to find and align with your life's purpose or work by finding the intersection of what you're good at and what you love, and combining that with basically what's practical in 3D life. So stay tuned for that. It really is so, so very interesting. But for now, continuing on, let's talk about finding meaning through connecting with your aligned desires, which can be really anything: career, relationships, experiences, material possessions, goals of any kind, anything at all. Desires have many functions in this life, with, of course, the most significant one being hopefully that you pursue and eventually get to have them. But desires, especially aligned desires, meaning the ones that don't come from ego, but come from that deeper place within you, they can lead to meaning and richness in life in all kinds of ways. With, in my opinion, at least the two major ones being that desire can help you to know yourself better because when you start looking around for the truly aligned ones, there you find yourself. And then the other one is that your desires as you seek them actually guide you to the lessons that you need to learn along the way. Before you can have this thing, you have to figure out X, Y, and Z in order to get it. So it's a very powerful way of learning and growing. And naturally, it's a beautiful way of creating meaning in life, the pursuit of your aligned desires. Then there is finding meaning through connection with others. So again, we are looking at what makes life meaningful that relates to your outer life experience. So obviously, when we think about living our lives, we of course find ourselves thinking about all of the many people who are in our lives or who could become a part of them. And how those relationships naturally contribute to the richness of life. We can also look at how these relationships can be expanded and enhanced so that they add more meaning and more value. And in such a big way, I think this piece is actually it's actually really simple because it's really just about showing up and being present. I think a lot of the time we end up so comfortable in our relationships that we start taking them for granted because we're just here with that person or those people. They're just here in our lives, and hopefully they do feel good to us, but we don't really need to do anything extra, or at least that's the feeling. But more meaning in life can be immediately found when you start realizing that you can make any one of your relationships more conscious right away, just by noticing them. Noticing the relationship itself and what it's like and how it functions, noticing that person and the little things about them that you maybe forgot how much you enjoy and appreciate, and noticing the kinds of conversations and communications you can be engaging in with them to support the relationship becoming richer and more meaningful. As I say this, I think I'll do an episode soon where we explore some of these concepts more fully. But as a place to start on this journey of creating a life that's truly worth living, bringing your relationships more into consciousness and activating conscious choice as a result is a beautiful and inspiring place to start. So give it a try and watch how your relationships start to light you up. And finally, finding meaning through the pursuit of growth, which is a place where these days, especially, the external and the internal can really easily meet because personal growth and healing is so front and center right now, in a way it probably literally has never been before in all of human history. And that means just like you're experiencing right now, listening to this podcast, you can be externally facing, meaning not turned inward, experiencing your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, and still be presented with an opportunity to work on yourself and to focus on self-growth. And as you may know by now, as someone who is the person listening to the self-improvement podcast or scanning the internet and stumbling upon all the personal development people that you follow, it can be a really incredible, enriching experience to choose. So the answer to whether meaning in life is found internally or externally, as you probably realize by now, is both. We can't just go within and explore our inner worlds constantly and expect to create a life that feels rich in meaning. Because at some point we'd realize we're missing out on all the amazing things that happen when we look outside ourselves. On the other hand, we also can't forget to look within altogether and to explore all of the incredible richness that can be found within ourselves because we're so busy pursuing how to live a life that looks a certain way or that includes certain things. The best lives, the most meaningful lives, the most worthy lives always, always involve knowing when to look within and when to look outside, and how to take in all the wonder that can be found in both directions.