Episode 30 - Charlie Kirkland Signature

we got our boy Kunaal back on to talk about the latest presidential assassination attempt, newborn p*nis removal, probably some other stuff

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Yo yo, what up everyone? Fucking horrible hang. Uh we got Kunal back in the stew.

SPEAKER_03 0:07

How's it going?

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Fuck yeah, dude. Fucking uh what you been up to lately?

SPEAKER_03 0:11

Nothing much. Uh just been just been doing comedy. It's i it's been a bit weird recently because uh just been very busy, but uh I did like a showcase a few days ago and the it was at Mojo's and uh audience won't know what that is, but the entire audience was just like one comics family.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Oh no, okay.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

But I did crush, which was nice. That's good.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

That's good. Was it that one uh the speakeasy showcase?

SPEAKER_03 0:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

How did you get onto that?

SPEAKER_03 0:40

Um, I I believe Mark told me about it. Yeah. So he asked me on in uh it was April I was supposed to be on. Actually, no, this is April. I was supposed to be on at the end of March. Okay. And then um I think they like overbooked or something like that, so then they pushed me to May, and then uh a bunch of people had to cancel because they got something else at another show, so then it was kind of like last minute put together. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Okay. Yeah, that's how it goes sometimes, man. I did my first out of state show in fucking Kenosha. Oh, snap two weeks ago.

SPEAKER_03 1:07

The Rittenhouse Land.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Yeah, right, literally. I mean, that's basically my audience. Yeah. I mean, it was it was decent, not a huge room or anything, but how'd you get on that?

SPEAKER_03 1:17

How'd you uh how'd you meet people who were over there?

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Basically, kind of the same thing. So, like, my buddy uh shout out Wild Phil. I don't know if you know him.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

I don't think so, no.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Okay, his name's Phil Lizeki.

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Yeah, oh I've heard the name, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Yeah, yeah. So uh he d had a spot on there. Nice. And then actually, like, he was supposed to get one of his buddies on, but then like he bailed last minute, so like same thing. He basically got me on.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

Makes sense, yeah. Yeah. Everyone's always bailing. As soon as I get a better spot, they're like, never mind, I'll do this one instead.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

I get it, I get it.

SPEAKER_03 1:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Fucking um, I don't know, dude. The vault has been kind of fucking weird lately.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Yeah, the all the audiences haven't really been uh I mean like they they get a good crowd, but then they don't like laugh sometimes. And like last week it was like they they weren't playing the music or something.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Yeah, they were like they like opened late for some reason. Yeah, like they didn't open the doors till like ten minutes later and they were just not prepared.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

Yeah, I think they were like missing like the usual staff or something. Yeah, it was it was uh it was an odd night. But honestly, for me, I just try and go up there and just say whatever. Yeah, I do. Over time, if it works out, it works out. I mean, that's all you could do.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

I just don't get how like people will come in and then like I get like the smaller mics, it's mostly comics, so they're not laughing at most of the shit. Yeah, but like the vault actually gets like regulars that like regular people that walk in just to watch.

SPEAKER_03 2:36

Like they're there for comedy, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

Yeah, so like what are you doing there drinking if you're not at least gotta try and crack a smile? I'd have never understood that.

SPEAKER_03 2:43

I never understood that at all. Like it's always like a lot of times you'll be on stage doing a joke, and like the joke will be landing with the comics, yeah, and then you'll look at the audience members, a lot of them will be smiling, like they know you're joking, and then they just won't make a sound. And it's like, dude, you're ruining the whole vibe right now.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Yeah, dude. Which is crazy because like, dude, I went to this movie at do you know the music box theater?

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Yeah, it's like an art house theater or whatever. I went to see this um, it was like an early release of a horror movie.

SPEAKER_01 3:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

And the whole fucking room is packed. It's like, I don't know, fucking 800 people. Maybe not 800, but probably like 500 people. Yeah, exactly. It's a big ass theater. But like the movie starts, and fucking every like little stupid joke they throw in, like half the audience is like laughing, like hysterically, bro. And it's like, dude, this is a horror movie. People should come to a fucking mic.

SPEAKER_03 3:36

That's funny. Yeah, dude. We we need those people to go to comedy shows.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Literally, bro.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

Makes no sense. I I don't know who even shows up. Like, or do they even know it's comedy at this point? Yeah, literally.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

I don't know, dude. Plus, there's uh I I don't know, I don't want to like name names, but there's this one uh comic that likes to piggyback off my jokes.

SPEAKER_03 3:55

Oh, wait, is there I I I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Which is like fine, but it's just like my thing with him is like he's like mentioned like something I've said right after like I got off like three or four times now. Yeah, which is like, you want to chat or something?

SPEAKER_03 4:12

Yeah, honestly, I've had uh not not quite the same experience, but like I have shows where like I'll have this premise that like really resonates with the comics, and uh like it'll go pretty well with the audience, sometimes it won't go well, sometimes it goes really well. It kind of just depends on the audience, and then like what happens is like every comic, like not like not all of them, but like pretty much like five or six comics afterwards throughout the night will just keep referencing my material, and like I get it, like because like the premise is original and whatnot, but then it's like man, I came up with that premise, dude. You guys are just using it now, just to get like work on your material, don't just like try and get cheap laughs off my joke.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

No, I get that for sure. And plus, like, I mean, if you're gonna like say something to me, have it like be funny.

SPEAKER_03 4:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like What do they say, like, ah, he's crazy, blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Well, no, because it's like I tell that uh N-word emergency joke.

SPEAKER_03 5:02

Oh yeah, that's a great joke, but it's a thank you. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

And uh, but yeah, every time I tell it, this one dude gets up, he has something to say about it.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

You know who I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which, I don't know. It's just like I've told, you know, a lot of other race jokes before. Yeah. And it's like you didn't say anything about that.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

Yeah. It's always like, oh, there's always some white guy doing N-word jokes. It's like that kind of thing. It's like, alright, that's the same thing over and over again at this point. Yeah. He's repeating the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

Yeah. Which again, if you're gonna like do it, like have a joke for it. Yeah. Like I can respect that if you got like a good witty, you know, comeback for it.

SPEAKER_03 5:38

That's like for me, like, I remember my first like month doing comedy, I had this joke about like I guess it was just a premise. I was like, I don't like wiping my ass, was like the premise. Uh-huh. And then um the joke was fine, it it kind of worked, and then like what kept happening is like every comic afterwards was like, Did that guy just say he doesn't like wiping his ass? Yeah, and they would just keep repeating it, like a bunch of different comics. And it was funny, like the audience found that funny.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 6:00

But I was like, Alright, but like when I said that they laughed, and you realize they laughed, and now you're just repeating it because you know it works. It's like you just work on your own stuff at some point.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

No, it's cheap. It's cheap as fuck for sure. Yeah. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

I have done it once before, though. I I I I did it, I did, I think, I think I did it two weeks ago where this one guy came up and he was like, I forget what he said. He said, like, isn't it interesting how when you're like jerking off or something? He said he said something like that, and like the first thing I said when I walked on stage, I'm like, Do you guys think it's interesting when you but like I mean that was a hack thing, I kind of regretted it immediately. But yeah, I mean I I I am guilty of it one time at least, but I I generally avoid that.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

I mean, there's nothing wrong with doing it here and there, but like again, if you're gonna do it, like have you know a purpose with it.

SPEAKER_03 6:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

Don't just go up there, it'll like reference what I said and like nothing, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 6:47

Yeah, it's just trying to use the premise for a for a quick laugh. Yeah. Dumb, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Fucking uh when you started, you did a lot of like rape jokes right off the gate. I did Which is like, I mean, here's the thing. I know they say, you know, don't do rape jokes or whatever. I my thing is is like if you're gonna do it like there's a way to do it. Yeah. And like do it sparingly.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

You don't want to like Yeah, I I only have one in my rotation right now, right? Yeah. Really? And and and honestly, the thing is, I've done that joke. It it honestly has started working, which is pretty fun. Uh-huh. Obviously, like it's kind of an audible for me now. Like, if I'm doing like a showcase, it's like first I need to feel out the audience, and then I'll throw it in at the end if I think they're like I I did it at the last showcase because they liked me the whole time and it and it did work at the end. Oh, yeah. But most of the time I'm not gonna use it. I have I have had people like come up to me and be like, Don't do that, like it's never gonna work, and then they started working. And at the same time, I've had people right after I did it, like there's this like old black guy, he's like an old comic. He did a rape joke and it kind of flopped, and then I did mine like right afterwards, like two people afterwards. And when I was walking back, he was like, Hey man, uh the way you pulled that off, I'm very impressed. I was like, let's go.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Well, yeah, I mean, if you're gonna do it, there's a way to do it. Like, I remember a couple weeks ago, like this one dude, and it had to have been his first or second time, it was clearly very new, but like he this whole three minutes was just rape jokes. Yeah, but like there was like it was basically like the punch punchline was like, oh like oh, raping is cool or whatever. Like, if you're gonna do it, like trick people into thinking one thing.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

Yeah, yeah. It's honestly like when you start out, it's tough because like like even right now for me, I'm not like good at like I I don't take time out of my day to write. Like I I I I I write in my head basically on like my drives and stuff like that. Uh-huh. And so when I was starting out, I was the same way, but like you don't really know what's gonna work and what's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:41

And so I would just go on stage and I'm like, I'm just gonna try a bunch of crazy crap, like all the same topic, and then like over the weeks I'll like get rid of the stuff that doesn't work and I'll keep what does work. But then you forget like to all the other comics who have more experience, they're just watching you like, why is this guy talking about one thing for 30 minutes? And I'm like, alright, my bad.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

No, that's an interesting way to do it though. I mean, everyone I talk to seems to have like a different way of like getting their shit together.

SPEAKER_03 9:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

I mean, I'll just like think of random shit and write it down and I'll try to go back and like add on to it later. Yeah. Kind of thing.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

Makes sense, yeah. Honestly, for me, it's I always like I always try like it's not that I'm trying to bomb necessarily, but like I really like going up there with like stuff that is really unpolished. Uh-huh. And I'll I'll like throw everything at the wall. Okay. And I'll it you'll I'll I'll notice like most of it probably flops the first few times I do it, like for the first like few weeks, honestly, which looks very bad for me. Uh-huh. And then like usually like one or two jokes from all the shit I threw at the wall will like end up actually like getting chuckles, and I'll be like, this is what I'm gonna work on. And then that ends up in my actual set. Uh-huh. And like I I think I leave like a bad impression with some people, and so like I probably get booked less than I probably could. Yeah. But then like well, when I do get booked, I I I ha I have done well each time I have been booked, so I'm like, I think my strategy is working, it's just like bad for like getting booked. You know what I mean? Like it looks bad for comics.

SPEAKER_00 10:06

Yeah, I feel I feel like I'm the same way because like I feel like I do a lot of like divisive kind of jokes.

SPEAKER_03 10:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Like another problem I have, I have like way too many jokes about women. Yeah. Like way too fucking many. And the problem with that is you're immediately alienating 50% of your audience.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:22

And then I'm like, why aren't these jokes working?

unknown 10:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:26

Yeah, it's also like if if the audience feels a bad vibe at the beginning, they like shut off no matter what you do at the end.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

I mean, that I could see. That I could see that because like, you know, everyone's trying to like figure out who you are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

Yeah, it's like the there was this one comic, like the first few weeks that I was doing it, and like he doesn't show up anymore. I think he quit. But like he he he did like an initial joke that kind of worked. It was it it was pretty mundane, but it was like a good joke. And then his next thing was like, Yeah, so I'm a Trump supporter, and uh and the rest of the audience was like never made a sound. The rest of the set. I was like, bro, never say that out loud.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

Yeah, yeah, bro. You gotta keep that, keep that on the DL.

SPEAKER_03 11:05

Even in Batavia, man.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Yeah, dude, yeah. I mean Batavia, yeah, like yeah, it's white people, but it's not like it's not like you're in the middle of like fucking Wisconsin in the middle of the year. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:14

Yeah, you're not in Kenosha or whatever. I I don't I don't know what the demographics are of Kenosha, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

Uh it it's pretty, you know, it's pretty hick-like. Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_03 11:23

Wisconsin's weird. It's like in the elections it's always like blue, and then like you see the map, and it's like it's just Madison and like the tiny little cities that are blue and everything else just red. Yeah. I guess that's Illinois too, kinda. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

But uh Yeah, dude. Fucking um I forgot what I wanted to say now. But um something about one of the radios.

SPEAKER_03 11:46

Of course, dude.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

I don't know. I was thinking like I don't know. Like I like like no. So um I'll just fucking go back later. So um what else has been going on with you? Have you been uh I don't know, any dating or anything?

SPEAKER_03 12:06

No, dude, not at all, man.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

Like, no, I'm the same way right now.

SPEAKER_03 12:09

I gained so much weight last year, I'm like, dude, if I put myself on the market, it's just gonna get low returns.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

You're not like fat though.

SPEAKER_03 12:17

Oh yeah, I'm like, I I'm like like if I wear a t-shirt, I don't look fat, but the second I take my shirt off, I got that pear shape going on. It's not a good look, dude.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

I mean you still like if you like bulk up a little bit, yeah. You just fucking turn that into muscle, probably.

SPEAKER_03 12:30

I've been trying to, yeah, yeah. That's my goal, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

Uh I don't know. I like the like I've always wanted to like fuck a girl and like you know when people like you eat a lot, people say like, oh, you were hungry. I like the idea of like you fucking a girl and then you shoot like a big load and she's like, Oh, you are horny.

SPEAKER_03 12:47

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, you haven't done that in a while.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

Oh, look at you. That's a big boy right there.

SPEAKER_03 12:54

You like do really good at sex, you're like very enthusiastic, she gets turned off, she's like, he doesn't do this enough.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

Yeah, right. I don't know. It's kind of crazy that they like it's sex is like one of those things that like no one like teaches you how to do it. You kind of just have to like you know, throw yourself in the wind and figure it out for yourself.

SPEAKER_03 13:13

Dude, yeah, that's why all the incels are like freaking out the first time they do it, because they just botch it and the chicks are like that was uncomfortable, and they're like, they hate they hate the male race. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

I don't know. They should have like teachers, they should have like lessons for the shit.

SPEAKER_03 13:27

Dude, yeah. I mean, that's what all the I mean, was that the purpose of prostitution? Or no?

SPEAKER_00 13:32

I mean, I guess not, but I mean I think some people use it for that.

SPEAKER_03 13:35

It could be like uh like you could have like you could easily do like lessons, like one-on-one tutoring. Yeah, yeah. Like instead of doing OnlyFans, like d how about you make a service out of it.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Yeah, yeah, no, literally. Yeah. That way, no, dude, yeah. Instead of just having, you know, gooners fucking just heating up the room jerking off, you could actually teach them something so that way they can improve their life moving forward.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

Yeah, like these guys are clearly willing to pay, like, I don't know how much like the subscriptions are, but I'm guessing like$20 a month or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

Dude, these are the same people sending hundreds of dollars to the webcam girl.

SPEAKER_03 14:07

Dude, instead of doing hundreds, like you can get a chess tutor one hour a week for like$50 a week. Uh-huh. You could do like one-on-one sex lessons for$50 a week. That might be that's more money than OnlyFans, which is monthly. You can do a weekly subscription. Yeah. Your local guys can come in and be like, all right, I want I want some experien You can have them drug test. I'm not drug testing, you can have them test for SCDs and whatnot.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

I like the idea. I'm some there's gotta be something like that somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 14:33

There's gotta be a pimp who's gonna monetize that stuff and he's gonna go to prison, but there's gotta be someone thinking about it.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Yeah. I mean, I feel like the only problem with that is like, you know, you could very easily take advantage of that.

SPEAKER_03 14:46

Oh, yeah, yeah. There's gonna be some rapists who get in there. That's yeah, it's gonna end horribly, dude.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

But I mean, it does start with consent. So if you start with consent, is it still rape?

SPEAKER_03 14:55

Yeah, I mean, like, if you vet them properly, like you you could probably avoid like a I mean, any any any one-on-one tutoring thing, you're gonna get some crazy people. Yeah. Like even chess. Like, I'm doing like a chess tutor right now just for just like randomly for fun. And like half, like he like half the people who probably go to his lessons, like probably don't shower, right? Like it's chess players, man. These guys all smell bad.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Makes sense. I don't know. I don't know. But I don't know. I think if it's like I think it's rape, if it's fucking like anything where it's like, because that's the whole thing where it's like they'll say yes, but then like be like, oh, actually I wasn't sure about it later.

SPEAKER_03 15:33

Yeah. Yeah, dude. That that that's the other thing where it's like if you're ever gonna be like uncomfortable, like if you're uncomfortable saying no in the moment, I think like the general rule of thumb is you should just not be involved in anything. You know what I mean? Like if you're someone who's gonna hesitate to say no, like just don't do hookups, man. Like it's just a bad idea.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

Are you sure you just didn't like it?

SPEAKER_03 15:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's it's like it's like like some people want like the thrill of doing like the one night stand, and then like afterwards they're like freaking out about it. And it's like I I get it. I like fully empathize, but it's like if that's your personality type, like just like just like stick to like boyfriends and stuff, man. Yeah, I guess the obviously the general rule.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

I don't know. There's gotta be like at least one case before, right? Where there was some girl that like got raped and just started off like and then she found out she liked you, she's just like, ah, oh she's actually pretty good at this.

SPEAKER_03 16:28

Yeah, honestly, yeah, there probably honestly in the old days, there's probably a lot of cases.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

Yeah, I'm sure that was way more common.

SPEAKER_03 16:36

Dude, I was I was on a I hate to stay on the rape topic, but like I was uh I was on Instagram and I saw this um, there's this like Twitch streamer guy who's like a therapist. That's like his thing. Like he basically does free, not free therapy, but he he just talks about mental health. Uh-huh. And um he showed up on my algorithm and he was talking about like sex stuff. Uh-huh. And he's like, apparently there's like this epidemic of like consensual sex, but then during sex, like unconsensual choking. Oh, yeah. So like the guys, so like they'll be into it, and then the guy will just without asking, just start choking the chick. And it's like, all right, I that is kind of insane. But if you're like it's like, are they feeling the vibe or are they just like just like watching porn and then doing what they see on there?

SPEAKER_00 17:17

I mean, I'm a pretty vanilla guy, but I feel like a conversation should be had beforehand or put around croats.

SPEAKER_03 17:25

Yeah, exactly. Like that's kind of terrifying.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

I don't know. That kind of reminds Did you ever see there was an old episode of uh fucking Law and Order SVU where there was like a like a gaming tournament, right?

SPEAKER_03 17:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

And fucking, there was like this one girl, and like the guys in the gaming tournament were giving her shit, and they like chase her into the fucking bathroom, and it's like implied that they raped her, right? Of course. And then like she comes out, like her face is all bruised up or whatever. That's and then the detective asks, like, oh, what did they do to you? And I swear to god, she goes, they leveled up.

SPEAKER_03 18:00

That's funny, dude.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

It's crazy. Yeah. I love fucking like just early 2000s.

SPEAKER_03 18:06

Dude, yeah, dude, I I this is like a classic anti-smoking ad. I don't know if you've seen it, but like I I'm pretty sure it's pretty popular. It's like there's like this anti-smoking ad. There's these two kids in high school, it's two dudes. They're like walking down the hallway, they're acting all sneaky, they're like they they they kind of make eye contact, they like sheepishly walk into like a inner room and they're like, are they gay or are they smoking?

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Smoking is gay.

SPEAKER_03 18:30

I'm like, hell yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

I think they're ahead of their time.

SPEAKER_03 18:33

Dude, like if you want to like actually stop guys from doing things, just call things gay. Like, that's obviously the that's obviously the strategy.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

There's a good uh, do you know comedian Dimitri Martin?

SPEAKER_03 18:43

Oh yes, yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

He did an old joke where it was like they should uh get people to stop smoking cigarettes by putting balls on each cigarette.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

Oh yeah, dude. That would that would work great. Or just make the cigarette look like a penis, just put like the volume. Yeah, literally, yeah, that's literally what he said. Yeah, that's hilarious, dude. But it has to be like you gotta do like like Chinese balls where it has like a Chinese guy's pubic hair or something. Yeah, it would make it even worse.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Fuck, dude. Oh boy. Uh yeah, dude. So uh dead air, dead air.

SPEAKER_03 19:18

Yeah, dead air, yeah. Honestly, uh speaking about the the the the thing you said about like the professional gamer stuff. Yeah. So I actually just found out there's this guy from my high school who uh I was I I found out that he's like really good at chess online and I've been getting into it. So I was like looking up his name for no reason, and I saw he's like a professional Rocket League player, dude. Oh, like he he uh I he has like a his name is uh actually I don't want to dox him, but like he's on like um some like esports team he played in college. Uh-huh. It has like his career earnings like on the website. He made like$103,000 already. Like I mean, it's obviously he's my age, so maybe that's all time, but I'm sure he has like a full-time job at the same time. Yeah. So I'm like, dude, like how do you get that good at Rocket League to freaking be a pro player?

SPEAKER_00 20:05

I would assume just adult diapers. Oh yeah, fucking like what was that one episode of South Park where they fucking had Carter's mom bringing down the dog bowl for diarrhea so we can shit in it.

SPEAKER_03 20:18

Dude, those guys are like crazy. Like they spent all day playing.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Oh yeah, I've seen it. They put fucking catheters in and shit, right?

SPEAKER_03 20:25

Yeah, it's nuts, man.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

Come on, bro.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Yeah, like e even chess players who play online, like most of them are kids, which makes sense. They have free time. Then you meet these like adult chess players who like all they do all day is like play chess. It's like they don't like they all look like who's that streamer Asmongold? Like they just look like that guy.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

It's crazy. Some guy just is always shitting and pissing his pants. He's like, What? I'm gaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a high IQ activity. Fuck, dude.

SPEAKER_03 20:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 20:58

What else been going on, man?

SPEAKER_00 21:00

Um, not much. Oh, I crashed my car.

SPEAKER_03 21:03

Oh, yeah, you were telling me about that. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

That was fun.

SPEAKER_03 21:06

No, I was it was- Was it was it like was it like someone else doing it to you, or what was it?

SPEAKER_00 21:10

No, it was my fault. Oh, yeah. It was my fault. No, fuck it. What it was, it was like I was on the way to work, and uh, there's this busy intersection on the way to work, and like right like not far off from where the intersection is, is a Starbucks. Yeah. And if you're exiting the Starbucks to take a left turn, you have to cross four lanes of fucking traffic.

SPEAKER_03 21:25

I hate those roads, man. For real. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Literally. And I thought I was clear, I was impatient, and then I just fucking Yeah, classic, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:33

Honestly, I uh I had an incident like a few weeks ago where um so like someone rearented me. Okay, they they were like like completely stupid, but like so I was driving home from work, same deal, and like um I stopped at a red light, and so there were a bunch of cars in a left lane, so I was in the left lane, and I was like pretty far back, and like the person behind me, I saw them coming from the rear view mirror. I'm like completely stopped. It's a red light. Like they crash into a stationary target, yeah, like they tried to. Change lanes because like the left lane had a bunch of cars, so they're trying to get in the right. Uh-huh. And they just like clipped like the edge of my car. Oh shit. And they like immediately and then they immediately break, and then they're in both lanes. And like uh I took a picture of their license plate, and then I just drove home. And I checked my car, there's no damage. So I I I didn't call the police or anything, but I was like, if there was damage, I just I was just I just wanted to get home that day. I was like, I drive like an hour to work, an hour back. I was like, I don't want to talk to some random like boomer guy who is he's also in a rush, he's gonna scream at me or something. Like, I don't want to deal with that.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Dude, like a few years ago when I had my old Elantra, like it was a kind of a shitty car, so I didn't really care about it, but I just had like I was just a long ass day from where just not in the mood. On the way home, some fucking old dude like tries changing lanes, doesn't see me, and literally just bangs like right beside my car. Yeah. And like he stopped to pull over, but I'm like, fuck it. I'm gonna get stopped at the train if I stop. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:57

You know, it's so it's it's honestly like the way it works to like report people is such a dumb process, dude. It really is. You gotta like stop, get their information, call. It's like when you crash into someone or someone crashes into you, like one person's gonna be very pissed off. And so, like, I don't you like getting out of the car, like you're just someone's gonna incite violence. Like the the the probability just seems so high. Yeah, yeah. Like I remember one day I was going to work and this um there was a car in front of me, and there was a car in front of the car in front of me, and like the person like all the way in the front wasn't turning right, even though he was like a yield. Okay, and the guy behind him like tried to go around, okay, and his dumb ass just like immediately just crashes right into him, and then they both get out of the car, and the the the lady in the front's like yelling at him, like, what the hell's wrong with you? And I'm like, You guys know I'm behind you too, right? Like, I want to go to work, just pull over somewhere else.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

I mean, this is coming from the guy that like just crashed his car, but there are way too many people that have licenses that shouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 23:55

Dude, oh my I I drive on 355. No one knows that there's bits of highway. Uh I it's so frustrating. Like every day there's someone tailgating. Oh, yeah. And you can see on the GPS, like the red and the yellow, it's like, we're gonna hit traffic. Like, if you tailgate, I'm gonna break in like two minutes and you're gonna hit me. Yeah, you see, yeah, and then I have to like slowly break because I can't trust these actual dumbasses to like lean back a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 24:19

Fuck, dude. Yeah, that's the worst part about driving for me is just dealing with fucking other people, dude.

SPEAKER_03 24:25

Yeah, dude, they're all. I I I I and it's always like the people driving at rush. It's always like the Chevy pickup trucks, too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Fucking rams and shit.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

The ones who are like, will have no damage to their car, but they'll kill your whole family. It's always those guys.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

Oh yeah. I don't know, dude. I've been trying to fucking I've been trying to meditate recently. Oh nice. Trying to like not do yoga, but like just I don't know, just like chill shit like that. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm no fucking good at it, but I don't know. I was doing like this guided uh like meditation thing, and they're like, uh, do you know what that is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like basically, you know, you meditate, you have like focus on your breath or whatever. Yeah, like tell you what's going on. Fucking um I like the idea, because a lot of times they'll be like, oh, like picture yourself on an island. You know, there's waves crashing, you know, seagulls fucking. Um, what's that? Why are there naked children here? Oh shit, are we on Epstein's Island? And then fucking you wake up and then just they're calling 911 on you. And it's like, why? The second he closes eyes, this guy's thinking about naked children.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

That's funny. I don't know. Yeah, dude, honestly, I was uh I was thinking about this. Have they sold Epstein's Island yet? I don't know. I think it's still just sitting there. Someone's gotta buy that, dude. That'd be hilarious. I mean I think Mr. Beast has to buy that island.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

Yeah, someone's gotta buy it. Right. There's gotta be a discount on it, right?

SPEAKER_03 25:48

Yeah, like you can make a YouTube video out of it and probably make the money back.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Oh, I'm sure, yeah. Dude, I don't know, bro. What would you fucking do with it?

SPEAKER_03 25:57

I mean, other than honestly, like the good thing about that island is like when you buy like a random island, it's like you you you're you you you can buy islands for cheap, actually. It costs like kind of as much as a house. Oh, really? Which is pretty cheap. The problem is you have to like develop the like the roads and like the like the landing strip for like a car like the plane and everything. So it ends up being way more expensive. Okay. But you buy Epstein's Island, everything's already pre-made.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

Yeah, it's already done. It's just sitting there.

SPEAKER_03 26:23

They have all the infrastructure, dude. You can make a country down there.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Yeah, right. Dude, I mean you could fucking we could fucking swim there.

SPEAKER_03 26:30

Just check it out. What if what if we make the uh this is a horrible joke, but what if what if we give the Palestinians Epstein's Island?

SPEAKER_00 26:38

There you go. Yeah, some compensation for it.

SPEAKER_03 26:41

Yeah, we're solving problems, dude. They get their own country.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

I mean, what are you gonna do? Let it sit there while there's homeless kids?

SPEAKER_03 26:47

Exactly, dude. You gotta put someone there.

SPEAKER_00 26:50

Fuck, dude.

SPEAKER_03 26:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:52

I don't know. Is it um I was thinking about this earlier. Is it gay to not be able to swim?

SPEAKER_03 26:58

Oh, well, then every black guy might be gay, right?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Yeah, that might that might make black people a little upset.

SPEAKER_03 27:04

Yeah, yeah. Honestly, I think I think it is. Because if you see guys drowning, it is the gayest looking thing on the planet. Come on, bro. They're all flopping around.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

If you're a woman and you're with this you're with your man and you see him just flailing his arms. Help! Help! Come on, you are so dry.

SPEAKER_03 27:20

You need a lifeguard to come and hug you out of the water, dude. Yeah, that is profoundly gay.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

She's so dry, she could jump in, suck up all the water, probably save it. Fuck, dude. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 27:33

I hate swimming. I as like a person who looks fat without a t-shirt, like I hate swimming so much, dude. I hate taking my shirt off in general.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

I kind of in that way too. Cause like I spent a lot of years like heavy drinking, because I used to be like super like skinny and shit. Yeah, yeah. But then, you know, you just drink, it just fucking adds fat to it. All the carbs, yeah. And it doesn't fucking go away. Yeah. So like, I don't know, dude. Uh have you seen this? There was uh I saw an article. Baby born with two penises in Pakistan due to a rare medical condition. Doctor removed the bigger one.

SPEAKER_03 28:08

That's the doctor's just jealous. Yeah, yeah, literally. Yeah, right? Of course it's Pakistan. I I I hate to make this a race thing, but of course it's Pakistan. Who would have guessed? A lot of a lot of incest down there, probably.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

There's a lot of incest down there. I think that'd be a good movie idea. Yeah. Like a fucking Palestinian doctor that just like takes revenge.

SPEAKER_03 28:32

Oh, yeah, yeah. He just gets mad at all doctors for chopping off his bigger cock. He's like, becomes a terrorist. He goes after only Jewish doctors. Oh yeah, it's like the Kanye clip. It was a Jewish doctor.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

He's on a quest to find where the bigger dick is to reattach it.

SPEAKER_03 28:49

I wonder how they discarded it. Do this just decomposed somewhere or do they use it as a I thought they'd like keep it on ice or something, right?

SPEAKER_00 28:56

But that doesn't last forever.

SPEAKER_03 28:57

Yeah, they give it to like a trans person.

SPEAKER_00 28:59

Yeah, there you go. Donate it to the trans community.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

That's actually a good idea, man.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

That's not a good idea. See, what we're really doing is we're taking things that aren't being used and giving them to those in need.

SPEAKER_03 29:09

Yeah, we're we're actually solving problems right now. Yeah. We give Palestine's Epstein's Island and we give the Pakistani penances to trans people. It's actually very progressive.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

It isn't really progressive when you think about it. That's why I don't understand why people get upset.

SPEAKER_03 29:26

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

Because when you really think about it.

SPEAKER_03 29:28

Exactly, dude. We're not even anti like any of that stuff. We're we're we're pro-Palestine and we're pro-trans right now.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

We're trying to help the little man.

SPEAKER_03 29:36

Exactly. All these other people aren't coming with solutions there. We're doing all the heavy lifting.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

Jesus fucking Christ.

SPEAKER_03 29:43

Yeah. For for anyone upset, this is uh this is all this is all in jest.

SPEAKER_00 29:49

All in jest.

SPEAKER_03 29:50

Yeah. Speaking of in jest, dude, yesterday's news.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

Oh yeah, dude. That shit was fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

Dude, yeah. So what all went down? I only saw like Bro, I was keeping I was on Twitter all night last time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can I can break it down. Okay, yeah, let's go over it. So apparently it's it's it's some guy who's like a he he went to Caltech. Like he's really smart. Okay. He has like a computer science degree and like a mechanical engineering degree. He's like a game developer. He has a game on Steam that he released. Okay. And um he's uh he's currently like a teacher in California. Apparently, he took the train from LA to Chicago to DC. Okay. He booked the hotel in advance. So everyone's like, How'd he get through security? Like he was living in the hotel. Oh, okay. In advance. So you like planned it all out? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

Damn, okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:36

And they release like everyone's like, How do you get through security? And they release the security footage. He l he literally just sprints through. He just runs through. He actually doesn't get in the ballroom. He like ends he's trying to run away from security, so he ends up upstairs with like Wolf Blitzer and CNN. Oh shit. And then like when he gets in that room, he like freaks out. Apparently, I don't know if he starts shooting or they shot him, but like they don't know if he actually fired. But they know that like he got shot like in that room because he was trying to get in there to like shoot whoever, and then like they ended up just shooting him, which is kind of crazy that you the hotel doesn't shut down all the other guests during the freaking White House event.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

I mean, shit, that's the thing, dude. If you if you're gonna plan that, dude, you gotta execute. Yeah, it's like suicide, you gotta go through with it.

SPEAKER_03 31:20

Oh, and the other the other thing is like they're probably going after his family now. Cause like because his sister like lives in DC or something, I saw. Oh, okay. So like may that he probably said he was gonna like visit her, but then they're like, how do they know like where they were? I don't know. There's all this stupid stuff going on. But it's uh it's also like it's I don't get how the security like you see the footage, the guys are just like sitting down on chairs, just like looking at their phones and crap, and this guy just sprints through and they all like fall down and they trust it. It's like an agent Cody Banks movie, dude.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

It's literally like a cartoon.

SPEAKER_03 31:52

It's hilarious.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

That's fucking dumb.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

Yeah. We we do not condone, by the way. We do not condone. Feds will be listening this whole week. We are not serious.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

Oh, trust me, no one's listening to this podcast. I put thousands of dollars into promoting this podcast. Oh, dude, everyone. And no one listens to it.

SPEAKER_03 32:07

That's yeah. I honestly podcasts are one of those things where like, unless you have an audience, it's the same thing with comedy. It's like, unless you have an audience, no one buys tickets, and unless you have an audience, no one buys, I mean, no one watches podcasts.

SPEAKER_00 32:18

Yeah. I mean, it's tough because you're asking people to listen to you talk about bullshit for an hour.

SPEAKER_03 32:23

Honestly, I think the hack is like you gotta do the platforms that are like um that where the algorithm like naturally pushes. Like YouTube videos where you like talk about like a random topic, like that's on a news, the algorithm will like push stuff if it's like topical. Yeah. Like TikTok, same thing, but then it's kinda it feels hacky and then you lose all the passion for it.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Well, that's kind of the thing with like the social media and shit. It's all trend based. It's like oh, they want you to use the trending audio. It's like, yeah, why are you trying to push me to do the same thing as fucking everyone?

SPEAKER_03 32:53

Everyone else, yeah, yeah. And then and then everyone's confused why they can't break through. Yeah. It's like, yeah, why would they watch you when there's people better than you talking about the same topics? Yeah. Like come up with a premise that only you'd come up with, and if you can find a way to like get people who really resonate with that stuff, then like you're the only one doing that. That's how you dominate the freaking niche.

SPEAKER_00 33:11

For real. That's kind of been like my problem with the like going clean and stand-up comedy thing. Because everyone tells you, oh, you're better off going clean, which it's a more safe route.

SPEAKER_03 33:20

To get booked, yeah, yeah, like locally it is. But yeah, yeah. Like long term, I don't think it is.

SPEAKER_00 33:24

But I mean, like, I don't want to see every comic is just a clean comic. There's nothing wrong with comics, but I like dirty comedy.

SPEAKER_03 33:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's there's people who want to see dirty comedy too. Like, it's it's tough to say, too. It's I I don't know. Like, I feel like there's like ways to like toe the line where you can be kind of dirty, but like seem clean. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I like I have a lot of jokes that are like honestly, in my sets, I don't even really swear that much. Like, it because it's I I I just typically like my my vocabulary doesn't swear that much. And like, so technically I am clean, but then my premises are like obviously not. It's like this weird balance I'm trying to pull off, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

You're like, you're like fucking uh you're like Nate Bargazzi if he didn't rape you. Nate Bargazzi if he didn't rape you. That's hilarious, yeah. Fuck, dude. Yeah. Oh man. Uh what else we got in here, dude? Uh just a bunch of bullshit bits I can just throw out there. Um, how about this? How about a guy with dwarfism that's also a pedophile, but he gets away with it because everyone thinks he's just some badass kid that gets slanging dick.

SPEAKER_03 34:32

That's funny, yeah. Like if Hasbulo is a pedophile.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

Yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_03 34:36

That would be insane, dude. It might be legal where he's from.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

Yeah. It's like, you know he actually likes like 13-year-old girls? Like, he's not 13? It's a perfect crime.

SPEAKER_03 34:50

How long do those guys live, dude? Those those those those tiny guys.

SPEAKER_00 34:55

I don't think as long as normal people.

SPEAKER_03 34:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:58

Like, who's the one 40 or something, you think? Probably, right?

SPEAKER_03 35:01

That's tough, bro.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

Like, who's the one guy from fuck it that did the no, not that's the Foreman grill. Gary Coleman. That looked like he died at fucking like 40, right?

SPEAKER_03 35:12

Daddy, that's tough. But then there's like Peter Dinklage, who's like, I don't even know how old he is. He might be in his 50s or 60s. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah. I don't know. But like he's super rich. Maybe he's got something going on for him. Yeah. He's got Magic Johnson's Doctors or something. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

Yeah, right. I from what I understand, a lot of the midgets hate him because he said, Oh, we don't want to be cast, yeah. And then like they wanted to do the seven dwarves movie, so they made him all CJI. Yeah, yeah. And now midgets can't get work, so they're upset.

SPEAKER_03 35:37

Yeah, that's yeah, that that's a weird thing. Yeah, yeah. I I remember I think did Bill Burr have a bit about that, or I think he had like a similar bit where he was talking about like there was like uh some geek, some like normal guy who's not disabled was playing a guy in a wheelchair, and I and like people were protesting, like, we need a guy with a wheelchair to do this.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

Is Ari Shafir doing my left foot? Oh, was that him? Was that him? Okay, yeah. And he was like, Yeah, but it's called acting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Ari Shafir.

SPEAKER_03 36:04

That's so funny, dude. That's such a good joke.

SPEAKER_00 36:06

That's a fucking great special, dude. Fucking um, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:10

That's so true, though. It's like people get mad when it's like like a straight guy plays a gay guy or like someone plays a trans guy. It's like, yeah, but they're acting, bro. Yeah. Yeah. They're just doing what the fuck they were. Honestly, back in the day, they used to be better, technically better at acting. It's a bad joke again. But they used to be better at acting because they would have a white guy playing a black guy. They have way more way more range. That's so much range, dude.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

You know, yeah. Fuck, dude. I don't know, bro. I don't know. I'm taking a break from stand-up this week, I think.

SPEAKER_03 36:40

Oh, you are, yeah, yeah, yeah. I might do come with ideas.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

Yeah, just kinda, like gas is expensive and fucking like the room has been kind of lackluster.

SPEAKER_03 36:49

Dude, gas is rut with the Iran stuff. Gas got through the roof. Oh, it's fucked. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:54

It's fucked. So yeah, I'm just trying to you know, if it's not gonna be like, you know, I'm not gonna get a clip out of it, no point in fucking driving out there. I might, I might try to go back to uh comedyplex because I did really well there a few weeks ago. But then two weeks later, I like did the sign up thing online, which you have to sign up like right at noon, like yeah within 10 seconds. Uh I got it, and then I fucking drive out there, show up, and they're like, Oh yeah, we have this fucking uh headlining show, and actually that you don't have a spot.

SPEAKER_03 37:24

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

It's crazy, and then I was talking to uh Mark, you know, and he was saying, like, oh yeah, they'll just do that.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

Yeah, I that's why I don't want to go there, because like that's kind of far from me. Like it's it would be like 45 minutes, like I think. So like same for me. Yeah, like if I end up there, it's like I I need to go on. If they're not gonna let me on, I'm gonna be very pissed off. Yeah. Because that's like 45 minutes there and back, it's 90 minute drive. Like that's gas, that's so much gas. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

Yeah, dude. So I don't know. I like want to get another clip because I got some shit. I got some uh quote unquote safer jokes that I think would work for uh, you know, you know, more s of a city audience that I want to try out. Um so I want to go back there, but I don't know. I don't really want to go back there if it's just a fucking gamble.

SPEAKER_03 38:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to move out there, so I gotta get cleaner stuff probably. To the city? Yeah. But like I think I can do like a lot of my stuff still if I just uh I don't know. Like I think my Columbine thing is it's edgy, but I think I can make it work. Yeah, if I if I drop the NBA part at the end, because no one knows what I'm talking about. And um, like obviously like the the rape stuff I wouldn't do unless it's like a show where I I I know it's gonna work. But I don't know. I think I have a good chunk that that that'd work in the city, but I I I I've heard it's very clicky out there.

SPEAKER_00 38:41

Yeah, that's what I've heard too. I mean, I'm I'm thinking about maybe in a year or two moving to Austin.

SPEAKER_03 38:46

Oh yeah, I remember you saying that, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

Although I I I hear it's fucking hard to get shows down there. Yeah, so saturated.

SPEAKER_03 38:53

Yeah, I mean like the guys there are more all honestly, if you were able to get on Kill Tony, you could probably pull like it's it's hard to say because I do they give you the golden ticket if you're like a second timer or no? Is it only a first timer?

SPEAKER_00 39:06

I'm not sure actually.

SPEAKER_03 39:08

Yeah, because I know like obviously Peyton Peyton got it the first time, and I think Feeback got it recently.

SPEAKER_00 39:15

Yeah, he went on a few months ago, I think.

SPEAKER_03 39:17

Yeah. So like I don't know, but like I I think you have jokes. I think both of us have jokes where if we were in that Kill Tony one minute audience, we could definitely crush. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:27

I think so. Yeah. Like I don't like to be like I don't like to like put it on the audience, but I do feel like the audience and the mood of the audience, yeah, like the demographic does have something to do with it.

SPEAKER_03 39:38

It does, yeah. I mean, like, for growth, it's like the right like every comic gives the same advice where they're like never blame the audience, blah blah blah, because like that's gonna like inhibit your growth and whatnot. Which is technically true, like like, but like you can be nuanced about it. Like if you have like like if you are focused on growing, you'll naturally want to improve anyway. Yeah. And so you can be rational and be like, you know what, like this joke didn't work because it's this demographic in the audience. Like they don't like jokes of this topic. Like, that's why it didn't work. It doesn't mean the joke is poorly written, it doesn't mean you have to get rid of the joke, it just means it wasn't the right crowd. Uh-huh. You know? And so, like, especially at an open mic when people give that kind of advice, it's like, man, I'm not this isn't the show. Like, I'm not like getting paid to do this. Like, I can do whatever I want. If it doesn't work, I'm just trying to write and get the words right. You know what I mean? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:24

I feel you.

SPEAKER_03 40:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:25

I don't know. I was thinking, like, I I remember I a few years ago I started writing uh this idea for a TV show or like a miniseries. And like, it's just like jokes on like if I have an idea for a show, I'll just like jot it down or whatever. I had an idea for like I think it'd be funny if there was like one comic at a com like a local comedy club where like his big thing is like at the end of his set, he'll like stick his ass out to the audience and like fart into the microphone and like the crowd goes wild. That's like his signature, that's like Bert taking off his shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then like, you know, all the other comics are like not cool with it because they're tired of talking into a fart mic. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 41:10

They start getting like some kind of disease halfway through.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

But just everyone's getting herpes. Everyone's getting pink eye from the fucking mic.

SPEAKER_03 41:17

That's funny. Honestly, I I think I've seen uh there was some guy who went to the vault. He like took his he literally took his pants off. You remember that guy?

SPEAKER_00 41:24

Took his pants off.

SPEAKER_03 41:26

He like turned around and he was like pointing at the sign as a joke, and then like in the middle of pointing, he like immediately like moon the audience and pulled them back up. What? Yeah, yeah. It was like a thing, and then the audience started screaming. Like they were laughing. Yeah. Like every like it was, it was they were not laughing in like a hilarious way. They were like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? Yeah. But like did they kick him out for that? No, he didn't. They did not. Really? No, because like his rest of his set was super normal. Oh, okay. It was super normal. And then he like right at the end, he was like turning around. He's like, this sign's kind of crooked. I think it's kind of he just moons the audience. I was like, what the hell are you doing, bro? It is funny.

SPEAKER_00 42:00

Objectively, it is funny.

SPEAKER_03 42:01

It is very funny. It is technically sexual assault, but it is funny.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

Yeah, yeah. On a melodge scale.

SPEAKER_03 42:09

Legally, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:11

Fuck, dude.

SPEAKER_03 42:12

Yeah. In indecent. If there's anyone under 18 in the audience, he is like indecent exposure to a minor. Like he is a pedophile in that. Yeah, yeah. And there was, because when there's comics who are 17 in the audience. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

That's tough, dude.

SPEAKER_03 42:27

Sex offender.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

For real, dude. That's for a fucking mid-ass joke.

SPEAKER_03 42:33

For a freaking joke in Batavia, Illinois. Like, let me get on the registry for this.

SPEAKER_00 42:37

Yeah, right. I love that, dude. I love the balls on that guy.

SPEAKER_03 42:42

Yeah. Yeah. If you saw his balls, you're like, oh yeah, I love his balls. He literally showed them to us.

SPEAKER_00 42:48

But yeah, dude. Fucking gas is crazy. That's how you can tell the Jews are taking over, because everything's getting so expensive.

SPEAKER_03 42:55

Dude, yeah. Dude, they get yeah, dude. Because like they keep bombing the fucking uh no, the they close like the ship route where they send all the oil, dude. Uh-huh. So cr I I mean, how do you even solve like some kind of some kind of situation like that?

SPEAKER_00 43:11

I don't know. You just fucking go in there and take it, I guess. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 43:14

I mean like what do they even say in these negotiations? I never understood. Like, how are you qualified? Like, how is anyone in the world qualified to like apparently they're like flying over to like Pakistan and like doing meetings and crap? Or they're like, yeah, so we're gonna kill your family unless you do this, this, and this. Like, all right.

SPEAKER_00 43:31

We're gonna kill your family if you take the rest of our oil. We need it more than you do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 43:36

And I don't know what like the other side, I don't know what even they're arguing. They're like, Can you stop?

SPEAKER_00 43:41

Yeah, yeah. Can you stop killing our citizens?

SPEAKER_03 43:45

It's funny.

SPEAKER_00 43:46

Fuck, man. I don't know. I don't know. I drove past the fucking they have this Obama center that building down.

SPEAKER_03 43:54

Yeah, it looks like a prison.

SPEAKER_00 43:55

This is a horrible joke, but I always thought it'd be funny if you just like walk in there and just like walk. Up the front desk, be like, like look around, be like, I excuse me, I need to I need to talk to Obama. He's in the office.

SPEAKER_03 44:09

I have some ideas, you really?

SPEAKER_00 44:11

Yeah, really, it's it's important.

SPEAKER_03 44:13

I can tell. Wait, what the hell do they do at that place? What's the point?

SPEAKER_00 44:17

I have no idea. They have all the people.

SPEAKER_03 44:21

Honestly, dude, could you sue them? Because like they only hire. Yeah. Have you seen like the people who work there?

SPEAKER_00 44:27

It's the black Israelites headbox.

SPEAKER_03 44:30

Like, are you allowed to only hire one race? I'm not sure if they're allowed to do that.

SPEAKER_00 44:35

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 44:36

Yeah, yeah. No, but I mean, I I don't honestly care. But like it is uh it is funny how like every president gets like a presidential center.

SPEAKER_00 44:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:43

Like they have the Nixon one. I mean they have one for everyone. I don't know if Trump has one. I mean he has Trump Tower already. Yeah. But he's gonna get a new one. Like he just gets like a like a library or something.

SPEAKER_00 44:52

He's gonna give himself a fucking coin, a dollar bill, all that shit.

SPEAKER_03 44:56

They gotta get him on like a they have to build like a golden library for him. It's just art of the deal is the only book you can check out.

SPEAKER_00 45:05

Just thousands of copies of Art of the Deal.

SPEAKER_03 45:08

Yeah. Art of the Deal, bro. It's like all the all the foreign leaders just read his strategy.

SPEAKER_00 45:16

Fuck, dude. I love it, bro. I don't know, man. I don't know. I think it'd be if I was to go to prison, it would be fun to rape someone.

SPEAKER_03 45:26

Just rape a guy?

SPEAKER_00 45:28

Like, just out of, you know.

SPEAKER_03 45:29

It'd be tough, bro. They might do self-defense. In jail. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

Out of context, no, but like in jail, that's like the one place where it's like technically legal, I guess?

SPEAKER_03 45:38

Or is it?

SPEAKER_00 45:38

Well, I mean, they don't really, from what I understand, they don't do much to stop it. So it's kind of up in the air, right?

SPEAKER_03 45:43

That's true. But like who would you choose, you know? I mean the smallest guy or something?

SPEAKER_00 45:48

Probably. But I would assume that even if I'm like the smallest guy, but I could like, yeah, you know, I could fuck the biggest guy in the ass. I feel like I would earn respect for the biggest.

SPEAKER_03 45:57

If he's a bottom, if he's a bottom. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. There might be some of those guys.

SPEAKER_00 46:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:02

You know, you know what would be super easy. There's probably some like tech guy, like some crypto guy who's in prison. If you end up in like the New York, uh, what is it called? Like uh the New York, whatever the prison they have there, like MCDC, whatever it's called. Uh-huh. Like there's probably some like crypto like financial crime, like really rich guys who you could easily molest.

SPEAKER_00 46:22

They wouldn't even put up a fight, honestly. You're just fucking pounding him in the ass. You're like, this is what they used to punch slaves with back in the old days.

SPEAKER_03 46:30

I wonder if Martin Schreli got molested, dude. Do you know the pharma guy?

SPEAKER_00 46:34

He's a fucking twink.

SPEAKER_03 46:35

I'm dude. He's like, like, I mean, he's out now and he's like, anytime someone like makes fun of criminals, hey, like I I follow him on Twitter and he's like, there's nothing wrong with committing crimes. Like, it's like all of his tweets are like him going after some like democratic politician who's like Trump is a felon. He's like, you can criticize him for something else. Why would you call him a felon?

SPEAKER_00 46:55

I'm like, why is this your take? As if that's the worst thing you've called.

SPEAKER_03 47:00

He's like, felons are people too.

unknown 47:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:04

That's crazy. Yeah. In this generation, we're so inclusive. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:09

Martin Schkreli's like pro-prison reform. Yeah. Puts AIDS medicine up like 5,000%. He's like, how dare you criticize criminals?

SPEAKER_00 47:19

I could see it, bro. I could see it, man. Oh, dude.

SPEAKER_03 47:23

Oh, but by the way, speaking of Martin Schkreli, this is like uh this is like a one-time thing, so this is not investing advice. Okay. But so I follow him on Twitter. He tweets about like tech and AI and crap because like that's kind of the so he's not allowed to work in pharma anymore for obvious reasons, because he was a crazy person in pharma. Uh-huh. So he's banned from from pharma. He's not allowed to even be like in Wall Street, I think. But so he lives in San Francisco. He's in like tech now. Okay. And he's working on like AI crap. And uh he he always tweets his advice about like big pharma stocks. Because I don't know where he gets his information from, but like he was in the industry or whatever. He tweeted one day, like, you guys should buy this stock. Like, this this news is gonna drop tomorrow. I bought the stock. Next day it goes up like 200%. I sell. Really? I made like 200 bucks. I mean, I not 200, but I don't know how much I made. I I I put like a certain amount of money on it and I made like at least 100 off of it. Oh, cool. Yeah, and I was like, damn, I just insider traded technically. I mean, not really. It was Twitter information, it's public knowledge, but like it's it's I I can he go to jail for that? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 48:24

It's like a Fisher Price like insider trade deal, my first thing.

SPEAKER_03 48:27

Yeah, like it is he still committing the same crime that got him in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 48:32

Oh, dude. Fucking um, bro, a few weeks ago, this is way off topic. A few weeks ago, I was at a fucking where was I? I was at a Jersey Mike's in Bowlingbrook. Oh yeah. And there was this uh there was this black woman there with her daughter. The daughter's name was Africa. Oh, dude, they love those names. Yeah, I mean, I get they're creative with their names, which I respect, but Africa? Yeah. I would not want to be caught getting or calling her Africa.

SPEAKER_03 49:00

Could you imagine her like elementary school teacher like Africa?

SPEAKER_00 49:05

Everyone just like darts eyes at her, like, wait, no, no, no, look, it's on the paper.

SPEAKER_03 49:09

That's so funny. Dude, I I I knew I knew a black girl whose um whose name was Asia. Okay. And her her like family members were like India and like uh America, and like it was all like country names. Okay. And I was like, huh. Like I wonder, like the first one is creative, and then the next one, it's like, alright, this is hack now. Yeah, this is not how you pick names. Yeah. That's like if you pick like a name from the Bible for one kid and you're like, alright, I'm just gonna go Mark John, and it's like, alright, Mark John Luke. It's like, alright, that's not creative at all, dude. You gotta get something better.

SPEAKER_00 49:42

They are the king of creative names, dude.

SPEAKER_03 49:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:45

Just black people in general.

SPEAKER_03 49:46

Yeah, they are, dude. I Rajan Rondo, dude, great name.

SPEAKER_00 49:50

I adopted the uh the uh alter ego of uh black pimp named uh Denzel Sleepy Shoes. The uh also known as the uh CEO of freakiness.

SPEAKER_03 50:00

Yeah, yeah. Honestly, that last name might be Native American man.

SPEAKER_02 50:03

Sleepy shoes.

SPEAKER_03 50:06

He's just his ancestors are just lazy Native Americans. But then the one you want to be is like uh freaking like fast horse or whatever. Yeah. Also fast dodge charger.

SPEAKER_00 50:21

His last name, yeah. Also, when I'm rapping, refer to me as my uh rap alter ego hundred dollar. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:28

That's funny.

SPEAKER_00 50:29

I love it. There's just so much swag to it.

SPEAKER_03 50:31

Yeah, dude. Fucking uh they are naturally cool, dude. They are, yeah. Props, bro. I like them.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

Uh I thought of this. Uh I thought of the world's shortest joke. Oh, okay. See if you can pick up on it. Uh never tell a black woman you want to suck her Brazil nuts.

SPEAKER_03 50:47

Hmm. Well, I'm trying to understand it. Explain it to me. Explain it to me.

SPEAKER_00 50:53

Okay. So uh if you Google it, the uh old slang term for uh Brazil nut is uh toe. I was not aware of it.

SPEAKER_03 51:07

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 51:08

World's shortest joke.

SPEAKER_03 51:09

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:10

The more you know.

SPEAKER_03 51:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:12

Oh man, where are we at? We're at 51. Yeah. We'll go for a few more minutes. Yeah, yeah. Cut out. Uh I don't know, man. I'm trying to think. Um I don't know. Do you have any like fucking stories like from your childhood or something crazy that fucking happened to you?

SPEAKER_03 51:28

Oh yeah, let me try and think. Oh yeah, dude. There was um, I was uh I'll I'll tell this story. I don't know how funny it is, but uh I was in California on like a family trip and whatnot. Uh it was like 2015, 20 I some I I think 2015, 2016 or something like that. Okay. And um we we went for like a mere woods. It was like uh it's like this like giant hiking thing where you have like these California redwoods. Like it it you can hike very high up, and if you fall, you basically die. Oh boy. Uh and so I I went up alone because like my family didn't want to go all the way up, and I was like, alright, cool, I'm just gonna do this hike and I'll come right back down. The hike was like so like I was only used to like Starved Rock in Illinois, which is like very simple, right? And so I was doing this thing. Going up was easy because you just follow the trail. Uh-huh. And I went up to the top, I was like, all right, it's dope. I started going all the way back down, and as I'm going down, I like kind of don't know where I'm going. Like I can't find like the right trail. I'm like walking on like grass and there's trees everywhere. I'm like, there's no way I'm on trail. I'm like off trail at this point. Yeah. And I get a cramp. And I literally like fall and I like start rolling down a hill. Oh shit. And luckily, like if I fell further, I would have fallen like all the way up. Yeah. I like hit my back on like a branch. Oh. Not a it was like a thick, like, tree kind of thing, and I like survived because of that. Oh shit. And I was like, I literally like screamed help. And there was just like there was this black like guy and his like and his girlfriend like showed up. Humiliate. Yeah, help me! Yeah, they reached out, I'm like, hold on, not you guys.

SPEAKER_00 53:01

No, no, no, I'm chilling. I'm chilling.

SPEAKER_03 53:03

No, no, no, but like he he gave me like his giant branch, he like pulled me up. Okay. And like on the way up, he's like, he he kind of has to carry me because I'm kind of limping, but I can still kind of walk. And like uh he starts asking me questions about like, damn, like how'd you fall? Whatever. I I I I like have the normal talk. I'm like, yeah, I had I had a cramp, I couldn't find my way back down, whatever. And then like after a little while, we kind of run out of stuff to talk about, and then he starts asking me, like, alright, it's like like what are you doing in California? Like, I'm here on a road trip with my girlfriend, we're going around the country. Uh-huh. And I'm like, oh no, I'm just here on a trip. We we we we went to like the Golden State Warriors thing. Like, they just signed Kevin Durant because that's when he signed with them. Uh-huh. And like I broke the news to him. Oh, and you could see the light spark in his eyes. Oh wow. He was like, oh shit, bro. So like I and then we had a whole talk about Kevin Durant, and then he like got real serious and he was like, Man, you want to know what I'm worried about? I'm like, what? He's like, I think people are gonna burn his jerseys, and it reminds me of what like the clan used to do to us.

SPEAKER_00 54:04

Oh man.

SPEAKER_03 54:05

And I was like, damn, bro, why you gotta bring this up?

SPEAKER_00 54:08

I just broke some. You're trying to relate to me.

SPEAKER_03 54:12

I'm like, bro, I just broke some great news to you. And if you're doing this, you save my life. I break the biggest story of sports to you, and now you're making this a Debbie Downer's. I saved my life, basically.

SPEAKER_00 54:26

No, that's just no, that's wild. Yeah. It's a wild thing. Oh my god, bro. I don't know, dude. I remember there was uh I remember my first racist that I ever met. Oh, damn. He was in fifth grade. No, yeah, fifth grade. It was a kid named Brian, and he's like a hick, the hick kind of vibe. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Super white, fucking hated black people, loved rush, you know, rush, the man. Oh yeah. Couldn't get enough of Rush. He would talk about Rush all day, except when a black person came around, then some words, some choice words were said. And I remember, and he was always super nice to me. I don't know why, but super cool with me, and then I never heard from him for a while.

SPEAKER_03 55:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:10

And then a couple years later, I heard that he got expelled for calling a black kid an outdated cotton picker. That's crazy. That's why outdated outdated, bro.

SPEAKER_03 55:21

What is uh what would be a currently dated?

SPEAKER_00 55:24

Yeah, like not even up to date.

SPEAKER_03 55:27

Dude, like uh has gloves on. Yeah, he uses the machine instead. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of that's that is actually kind of funny. But um, do you know um, I guess this is gonna be the last topic, but do you do you know that like Nick Fuentes guy? He's like a white supremacist or whatever. Yeah, yeah. He apparently he lives in like Berwin, Illinois. Yeah, he's like super close by, and his address is just like public information. And like people always show up to his house and like threaten to kill him. Yeah, and he always talks about it. Like, I see him online all the time, like complaining about him. Like, why don't you dude? You gotta move somewhere else, bro. But then you hear him talk about like people in the south, and he's like, Yeah, I don't I don't like those people either that are all like rednecks and crap. I'm like, bro, who's watching your show right now, man?

SPEAKER_00 56:13

Bro, I don't know. I see all those like videos of like conservatives trying to do that like like the pro-abortion rally, yeah. And I just think it'd be funny if they were like all each of them were like holding up a picture of them holding up a baby's head, and it would be like, see, look what you're doing, look what you're doing to these children. Is this the world you want to live in? I don't know, man. Yeah. I don't know. Um fucking, I guess we could wrap it up. We're basically an hour. Uh fuck yeah, dude. That was that was good shit.

SPEAKER_03 56:49

Yeah, uh, fun to talk.

SPEAKER_00 56:50

Fuck yeah, dude. We'll have you on again sometime soon.

SPEAKER_03 56:53

Yeah, it was a nice time, bro.

SPEAKER_00 56:55

Fuck yeah, check out uh you want do you want your last name on here or not?

SPEAKER_03 56:59

Oh no, no, I'm all gay. I'm trying to get some career stuff going on.

SPEAKER_00 57:03

For sure, for sure. Well, you'll he you'll you'll hear his name somewhere. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 57:06

Maybe one day, maybe one day.

SPEAKER_00 57:08

Maybe one day. All right, so yeah, that'll be it. Uh horrible hang. You're gay. Uh yeah, bye. Dope.