Episode 21 - You’re A Wigger, Harry

(late re-upload) andy does the first 10 of the pod from inside a fishbowl, joe biden has to shit, and sabrina carpenters insatiable need for bbc

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

I told you, a beanie is not on is a type of hat, not a Mexican baby. Uh uh.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_05 0:08

Oh shit, and we back. Uh-uh uh uh. T-t-t today, Junior.

SPEAKER_03 0:13

T-t-t-t today, June. T- This week, maybe we'll podcast.

SPEAKER_05 0:17

Yeah, right, literally. We're trying to sorry.

SPEAKER_03 0:19

My bad, guys.

SPEAKER_05 0:20

That's alright. We work with it. Fucking. Yeah, I meant to. It's okay. I tried to record this fucking weeks ago, but you know, shit happens. I don't know. I guess Andy's confused, you know. He he he was telling me earlier he g he's confused because he got a pedicure this morning, but now he still wants to fuck kids. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Alright, I see the I see the new revamped Kyle.

SPEAKER_03 0:44

The new revamped Kyle, yeah. That's pretty good.

SPEAKER_05 0:48

Thanks. Alright, man. How have you been?

SPEAKER_03 0:52

Dude, I've been. I've been doing.

SPEAKER_05 0:54

Yeah?

SPEAKER_03 0:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 0:56

Any big changes? Wait. A big congrats to the boy.

SPEAKER_03 1:03

Thank you. To our non-listeners. You get a million listeners out there.

SPEAKER_05 1:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:07

I'm sorry, guys, I'm off the market. No, we can't do that anymore. That fun is over, buddy. I know. Fuck.

SPEAKER_05 1:14

That's a shame. But I mean, you're happy. You're happy with her? Happy with her. That's great. That's all that matters, dude. You found someone that you fuck with and you can get along with? Yeah. You found them? We hang. That's fucking awesome. We have sad. We fuck. We fuck.

SPEAKER_03 1:33

Fucking make passionate love. We fucking we fucking just fucking go, dude. We fucking fucking get on top of her. She goes, oh jeez.

SPEAKER_05 1:43

What kind of do you make noises when you come? It's a oh fuck, I'm gonna come. I'm totally, I'm gonna, oh fuck, I'm gonna come, yeah. Was she like, what what sound is Whitey gonna make when he comes? For sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:56

For sure. Definitely was thinking that. For sure. He wasn't, I'd be mad. He's gonna be like, sounds like you're trying to get I love you.

SPEAKER_05 2:06

So it just sound you basically just make noises like you're about to puke.

SPEAKER_03 2:15

Fuck, I'm sorry. Fuck, I'll clean that up.

SPEAKER_04 2:19

No, stop, stop, stop, stop!

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Cries for ouch. Ouch!

SPEAKER_05 2:27

I like that ouch. You want to hear a little bit of an ouch, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. You don't want her to be like, no, nice and easy, you know what I mean? Fits like a glove.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

I should I could take another inch if you had it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 2:46

Yeah, there's yeah, damn, there's still plenty of space in here. I can uh maybe come on. There's a wall back there. Come on, you can find it. Come on. I can stuff my old earbooks in there. Come on, Buster. You can get back there. I believe in you. Come on, just walk back into it. Pull my pelvis in a little bit. Come on.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

Maybe if you think your dick's bigger, it'll get bigger.

SPEAKER_05 3:09

Well, it's not you're just not stroking enough. You're not getting the full hard on.

SPEAKER_01 3:13

Nah, you're gonna make me hard.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

You're gonna make me that hard.

SPEAKER_04 3:16

Maybe if you were harder? No, I'm kidding. I'd be harder.

SPEAKER_05 3:24

Shit. Fuck, dude. I don't know, bro. I got a bunch of these. I've been fucking whatever, bro.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

Fucking whatever.

SPEAKER_05 3:33

I've been whatever, dude.

SPEAKER_03 3:34

What's new in the what's new in the land of Kyle? Nothing ever new in the land of Kyle. Stagnation.

SPEAKER_05 3:43

Not really, honestly. I'm trying to f let not since last time I talked to you. True. Fucking, I don't know. Christmas.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

She really never changed that Christmas. I'm ready for it to happen already. Say that one more time. I'm ready for it to happen already.

SPEAKER_05 3:58

For what to happen? Christmas. Oh, Christmas?

SPEAKER_00 4:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:00

I don't really care. I don't know. I feel like the more years go on, the less I care about holidays.

SPEAKER_03 4:05

I don't care about it at all. I just like it. It's just like unnecessary stress. How was your Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving fucking ruled. It was actually. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Amazing food. Good people smoking. Oh, dude. All that shit. It's it was fucking fun as shit. Thanksgiving is kind of dope. It, dude, if there's good food around, it rules. Fuck yeah. I don't have to do it with you white folk no more. Ha ha. Yeah, I'm jealous of that. I switched up real quick.

SPEAKER_05 4:33

I mean, we had it at my parents' place and they actually make pretty good food, so that was different. That was that was cool.

SPEAKER_03 4:38

Nice.

unknown 4:40

Nah.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

Thanksgiving was one Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_05 4:43

Yeah. How about instead it's Cranksgiving, and that's where you stay in your room while your family's eating and you just jerk off for hours.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Pretty much almost every day in Cranksgiving. Cranksgiving.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

It's Christmas with Cranks right now.

SPEAKER_05 4:58

Christmas with the Cranks. You know how I like to do it? I have like a little ritual. I you know, so like I get in bed, right, and I kind of like to warm up a little bit. It's like okay. Have you ever seen that video of a corn performing blind at Woodstock 99?

SPEAKER_00 5:18

No.

SPEAKER_05 5:20

It's where it's just like there's like a minute of buildup, and then it just they just go like, are you ready? And then you just start fucking wailing.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Bulls beat out the gate?

SPEAKER_05 5:31

Yes. No tip plays. Just waves of a fucking 100,000 people.

SPEAKER_03 5:37

I masturbate with an audience. See, I don't even really masturbate anymore. I make love to myself. Oh, good for fucking you. I have the occasional.

SPEAKER_05 5:47

Good for you. You get to grow up.

SPEAKER_03 5:48

I have the occasional. There's the occasional Cranktoberfest for sure. Cranktoberfest. But it's probably hard with the kids around, right? Well, I'm I live with mommy and daddy still.

SPEAKER_05 5:58

That is true. That is true.

SPEAKER_03 6:02

I mean I'm gonna have a beef and I live with my parents.

SPEAKER_05 6:06

Yeah, maybe should have done one before the other. But you know, who am I to judge? Who am I to judge?

SPEAKER_03 6:12

I do I'm really good at doing 90% of shit.

SPEAKER_05 6:16

Your parents gonna help raise the kids too? I don't know about that. Although, if I'm being honest though, I can't really give you too much shit because I have a lot of fear. I envision, like, I don't know, 10, 20 years in the future, me still in this apartment living with Greg. We're just like 50 years old. He's like, can you turn off the bathroom light when you're done?

SPEAKER_03 6:39

It keeps me awake at night.

SPEAKER_05 6:42

But with just full beards, grays.

SPEAKER_03 6:47

Half-eaten little Caesars and Wingstop sitting on the table. Oh, dude. Same shit, same vibes. I don't know, man. I feel I I have a lot of fears. It's terrifying, dude. It's a real knife fight out there with relationships. It's a real knife fight. It really is. It's tough. It's tough. It's hard. It's fucking hard as shit. And if you're an idiot like me, and I'll credit it. It all worked out. You could be like, take something for granted. You're like, oh whatever, I'm good. And then you realize six months later, like, I fucked up. I see. I see. The grass was greener, brother. I see, okay. And then you realize, oh fuck. Grass not so green. Me sad, me lonely.

SPEAKER_05 7:33

Well, sing us a song, Mr. Piano Man. You want to sing along with me? Yeah, but sing us a song, your piano man. Sing us a song, Mr. Piano Man. I'm bending over for you. Sing us a song, Mr. Faggot Man.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Sing us a song tonight.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Sing us a song, Mr. Faggot Man.

SPEAKER_05 8:05

Oh, okay. Anyway.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

There's a little slip up there. Wait, guys. I was thinking about this. Yeah. This is a look into my membrane. Yeah, let's hear this. I'm Jergs. Okay. Alright. There's a guy. Born legal name, Mike Literus. Mike Literus. Yeah. Maybe H. Yeah, Mike H. We got it. Mike Howard literacy. We got it. Basic stuff here. Good for the same. Good for a prank hall. He gets sick of being made fun of his entire life, so he changes his last name to Lidioris. Because he still wants to maintain his heritage. Yeah, okay, okay. To shed his past problem. Okay. And but and wait, I'm fucking retarded. Um, so he changes his name to Mike Lidioris. Okay. And he goes back to his high school reunion, and he's like, he was the valedictorian, he was a dork. Everybody made fun of him.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:05

He's giving his speech, and then as he's giving his speech, he thinks he made through made it through. Nobody's made fun of him because he's Mike Lidioris now. And some the fr most likely some cool high school football player from their year stands up, hey, put a sock in it, clitoris!

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Just like Randy Winkelman did to you sophomore year.

SPEAKER_03 9:28

Auditorium dies laughing. Clitior starts screaming, oh, it's still fucking funny, huh? And then what does he do? What is his next thing? What? I don't know. I'd put dot dot dot. Oh, okay. I didn't know what the best route of attack means to sketch, but okay. I threw like about a 12-second one. Okay, I think I see where you're going. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Clity Mike Clitioris. Mike Clitioris now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:02

If you're gonna go through all the effort of changing her name, why wouldn't you just complete it? I mean, you said that she wants to maintain his heritage. He wants to maintain his heritage, I guess. But it sounds to me like you're ashamed of your heritage.

SPEAKER_03 10:14

Well, you're just ashamed of being fun of.

SPEAKER_05 10:17

I see.

unknown 10:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 10:19

Michael Dioris is a meek man. He doesn't like being made fun of.

SPEAKER_05 10:23

It is definitely the fucking 6 a.m. high as shit retarded. But that's what I like about it.

SPEAKER_03 10:28

It's as dumb as just as dumb as it could be. It's as dumb as looking into my brain as it could be, and I'm writing it like, oh my god, this is gonna kill. Then I woke up and I'm like, that's not funny.

SPEAKER_05 10:39

I do that a lot. And that's why I always I like going back and double checking shit. But anyway. Fucking anyway. Anyway.

SPEAKER_04 10:49

Anyway.

SPEAKER_05 10:50

I was uh I was scrolling on Instagram, right? And um I was thinking, because I like some like one with breast cancer, but she already didn't had she was like about to get the the fucking surgery or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 11:04

To get him removed. Yeah, but I'm like, how do you if you have breast cancer Is there a more sad day for you than when you hear an angel loses its wings like that?

SPEAKER_05 11:11

Yeah, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03 11:15

Fucking That's like your that's your nightmare.

SPEAKER_05 11:18

It really is. Fallen soldiers, you know. But I'm thinking, like, what do you if you already have no tits, like, what are you gonna cut off?

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Genius.

SPEAKER_05 11:30

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 11:32

Like What are you really cutting off? Like, that was a genuine like a gen I remember like I was babies loaded up with a couple bee stings, what are you losing, right? Dude, I've seen You already had a chest like my nephew.

SPEAKER_05 11:43

I'm so fucked, dude. I remember I saw like another woman the other day, and a genuine thought occurred to me. I was like, how dare she have no tits? That need to be studied. I should love your brain. I don't.

SPEAKER_03 11:58

How dare she not have breasts?

SPEAKER_05 12:00

You know, that's dashy. That's how conditioned and poisoned I brain. Like, point much poisoned my brain.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

You know? Your brain needs to be studied. I think your brain has a Pornhub logo on it. Dude, I want to jump into a woodchipper. I really do. It's Teflon, dude. That brain ain't going down. The wood chipper is no match for the hardened, torn left court that you boast.

SPEAKER_05 12:30

How dare she have no tits? How dare she? Where does she get off?

SPEAKER_03 12:38

See, you've got to, I feel like you've got to grow and learn to appreciate because, okay, sure, she might not have some tits, but she may have some cool piercings on them.

SPEAKER_05 12:46

Cool. I mean, I do feel like it'd be a different story if there were like real tits in front of me.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

Because I'll be I'll be dead honest. I get way more fired up to see a stank with where I could see through her dress or shirt and see the outline of some nipple rings. That fires me up way more than some big old t like a nice juicy front porch.

SPEAKER_05 13:05

Really?

SPEAKER_03 13:05

Yeah, for real.

SPEAKER_05 13:06

So are you attracted So are you attracted to stainless steel? I could be. I'm not gonna rule it out. It's not so much the woman, it's the metal object piercing through her.

SPEAKER_03 13:21

It's just something that's like, ooh, now my imagination has been sparked. Yeah. Ooh. Now I'm thinking about what could what do the what does it look like?

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

What is that ring?

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Okay. What is that?

SPEAKER_03 13:32

Yeah, okay. Then my brain gets going, and now I'm like, oh. You like the allure. Now my dick's hard at a pshitty bar. Yeah. You like the allure. Yes, allure. Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. Sometimes, sometimes like a an underwear or a lingerie picture is way better than just a regular old dude. The imagination. I I I agree. I agree. I love I'd much rather just let my imagination think.

SPEAKER_05 13:57

So I agree. That's why that's kind of why I like jerking off to like Instagram pictures sometimes, if I'm being real. If I'm being real.

SPEAKER_03 14:04

This is a circle of truth right here. IG picks.

SPEAKER_05 14:08

That's dark, dark alley. But it's like, I don't know. I feel like it's unfair that, like, you know, you talk about, oh, this actress is so hot, and then she has no tits. If that were like the male version, it would be like Brad Pitt with a micro penis. You know what I mean? But like, why is it okay to have non-existent tits? But if you have non-existent dick, you know. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 14:35

It's Jatum without the ass. Fuck. You know? Fuck. You deserve nothing.

SPEAKER_05 14:41

I don't know. And I feel like, I don't know. I how can you be so so full of yourself? So so many people are full of self, and how you can be so full of yourself when you have no kids.

SPEAKER_03 14:52

You're a man that craves shape. I'm a man that craves shape. You need some shape. You know what I mean? You need some teardrops. You need some you need some shape in your life.

SPEAKER_05 15:01

For some for someone that's so, you know, full of themselves, your bra's not very full of yourself.

SPEAKER_03 15:06

Damn.

SPEAKER_05 15:07

You know? Damn. Yeah. Wow. You like that? Socrates.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

Wow. Aristotle.

SPEAKER_05 15:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

Wait. This is where you come for this kind of analysis, people. The horrible hang. This is the Nobody will break down women's breaths better than it ought to be.

SPEAKER_05 15:24

This is the meteoric trade-off of one episode a month.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

Bam. Here it is.

SPEAKER_05 15:30

Bam.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

Back to talking tits.

SPEAKER_05 15:32

Back to talking tits.

SPEAKER_03 15:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:37

But actually. Uh oh. We're talking about that. We're talking about the welder. And I I actually the welder.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Fucking welder.

SPEAKER_05 15:46

I fucking came up with a new character. He's got he's got a new identity now. And he's kinda I don't know. I I go imagine him talking like a like a like a hyper, like happy, like Swedish guy or some shit. Oh yeah. Ooh, ooh, like that. Okay. He kind of sounds he does jazz and it's a lot. Yeah, you ever see he's kind of like Pops from uh regular show? Okay. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. Because, dude, the other day, I hate when he comes into my fucking section and like for some reason his welder is plugging an outlet that's in my section, and he like kept walking in and out to like plug in and unplug the shit. And I was just going nuts, just fucking watching him walk in and out of my section.

SPEAKER_03 16:29

Do you think he does do you think he does it on purpose?

SPEAKER_05 16:32

He might. He might. I really I'm starting to think he does it. He does. That's kind of funny. It's weird when it drives me crazy. Yeah, because I'm a psycho.

SPEAKER_03 16:40

If he hears this and he's doing it on purpose, he just busted the biggest nut of all time. Yeah. Because I've worked with one person ever that I hated, and it was at that garage door place. Really? And I would try to do shit. Like, not anything that you could ever call me out on, but just something too annoying, like that, walking past you to come to use your fucking outlet. It could be. Something stupid like that. It could be. I don't know. The way you've described him, he's pretty oblivious, I feel like.

SPEAKER_05 17:09

He is, I feel he gives me kind of like a uh like not enough oxygen at birth kind of vibe.

SPEAKER_03 17:16

He just he just might not be clever enough. Yeah. He's not a clever. Ooh! I need to go check the outlets again. I heard there's candy in there. I wonder, are you using shit? I wonder if you're using shit on the same, if it was on the same circuit and he was just doing it to pop the fucking circuit, that would be funny. That would be funny.

SPEAKER_05 17:38

That would at least be like kind of clever.

SPEAKER_03 17:40

Fuck, now I gotta go. Oh. I can't believe this thing tripped again.

SPEAKER_05 17:44

Ooh, I can't find the candy inside this outlet. Maybe I need to stick my fingers inside of that. Kyle, do you have a fork? Ooh!

SPEAKER_04 17:55

Let's get the candy. Ooh, maybe I need to just eat it out of the holes. Ooh, let me taste with my tongue. Ooh! Let me give sweet kisses to this pretty little face in the outlet.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Close your mouth, little outlet.

SPEAKER_04 18:14

Let me make it up my tongue in there. Let me make sweet love to the little tiny face on the outlet.

SPEAKER_05 18:23

I drew a dirty Sanchez on the outlet. Ooh, my fat fingers aren't too fat to go inside the holes. I just came in the next door open.

SPEAKER_04 18:35

Are there jelly beans in there?

SPEAKER_05 18:37

Oh, the system just shorted. No, my phone's gonna die.

SPEAKER_04 18:44

Oh fuck! Ooh, ooh. Ooh, my phone's gonna die. My phone's gonna die. I better suck on the tip of the charger. It's like one dip.

SPEAKER_03 18:54

Oh, I need to prime it to shove it in my phone. Prime it. I've gotta prime it.

SPEAKER_04 19:04

That's how you make it conduct more electricity. It can't get hard if I don't give it a heck.

SPEAKER_03 19:13

Oh, I just want those electrons to flow.

SPEAKER_04 19:16

I just want those electrons to flow all through my entire body. All 480 volts of them. Oh voltage of my nipple! It feels so sensational. Sensational.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

One might even say orgasm!

SPEAKER_03 19:43

Something just alright.

SPEAKER_04 19:44

Fuck. I should have grabbed a water. Ooh, I should stop sucking cob. Ooh, this dried comb is drying out my throat. I don't know why my arms go up when I do that. You're getting encouraged. It's a fun. It's really fun. Ooh. I like sometimes I like to shit my pants because I like the warmth.

SPEAKER_05 20:09

Ooh, I tell people I'm a man. Ooh, it's just so cozy.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

I like how warm it is.

SPEAKER_03 20:19

I like that gush when I sit down slowly.

SPEAKER_04 20:24

Mommy, can you get me another bottle of soy milk, please? Oh, the regular milk gives me the runs! The regular milk gives me a tummy ache.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

You've known I'm like to I am afraid.

SPEAKER_05 20:41

Fuck. I don't know, dude. I lost it.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

He's afraid.

SPEAKER_05 20:45

I'm like straining in my neck doing that voice.

SPEAKER_03 20:49

Yeah, I'm getting lightheaded.

SPEAKER_05 20:50

Yeah. It's a fun one. Wow. That was a fun one. We had fun with that, right?

SPEAKER_03 20:58

This is what the new new men do. This is what yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:01

This is how I have to handle dealing with people I don't like. I have to make characters out of them.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

He makes characters.

SPEAKER_05 21:07

Ooh, I make characters. Ugh. I hate him.

SPEAKER_03 21:12

Anyway. I love it. I I really like when you talk about him because it I there's a different glimmer in your eyes when you talk about this certain wealth.

SPEAKER_05 21:21

Well, usually I've never had someone I've disliked so much that I had to be around so often. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 21:27

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I at least mine mine probably lasted six months that I had to be around with a dude that I could not stand.

SPEAKER_05 21:36

Yeah, and it's like my thing is I just try to mind my own business, but like it's like when he, you know, walks in and out of your section ten times. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

You're you're go you're still going. It's like you went on a horrible first date and you're like, let's try it again. Why not? But you're stuck, you're but you got married to him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:56

And it was a range, it was an arranged marriage.

SPEAKER_03 21:58

It was arranged.

SPEAKER_05 21:59

It was an arranged marriage.

SPEAKER_03 22:00

Fuck this dude, his his use of electricity bothers you. That's how much he functioned this guy.

SPEAKER_05 22:07

I don't know how the fuck he hasn't zapped himself yet. Speaking of the welder, how about this? How about a guy who gets fucked in the ass by another guy? But then after that he starts feeling sick and he's gets worried, so he goes to the doctor to find out if he's gay. Doc, I had sex with another man, and I don't know, I just don't feel good. I I think I think I might be gay. I think I might be gay. I don't know if that even makes sense. No.

SPEAKER_03 22:38

But this is why it's great. Because it kind of dumbs if the guy's d if you believe the guy is dumb enough. Yeah, that's really all it is. Which it's it's perfect for the um what the fuck. Something just happened.

SPEAKER_05 22:52

Alright, we're back on. Fucking hold on.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Wait, I mean, let me lie. Let me get in the studio loud. Does it sound loud? I think it sounds okay. Hello. You sound loud.

SPEAKER_05 23:08

Do I sound loud?

SPEAKER_03 23:09

Do I sound loud to you?

SPEAKER_05 23:22

Otherwise, anyway. All right, I'm sorry. Here we are. Here we are. All right. Show must go on. Alright, just sorry about that. We got a little fucking audio issue. Should be good.

SPEAKER_03 23:59

It's an emotional roller coaster over here. I'm just trying to do a podcast.

SPEAKER_04 24:07

I'm just just trying to do a podcast.

SPEAKER_03 24:11

I just want to do a fuss, you know. I don't I don't I don't ask you know, I don't ask for much anyway. You know, I just want to do a fucking podcast. I just want to do a f I was doing Biden, but I was trying to do Biden. Everything comes back to Sebastian for you.

SPEAKER_05 24:25

Everything does come back to blend together too.

SPEAKER_03 24:28

No, they all start to blend into Sebastian.

SPEAKER_05 24:32

We'll bring Sebastian back. Uh what was I gonna say? Oh yeah. I did so here's what's up. I did want to talk about the election a little bit. Not that much, because I don't want to fucking I don't know. I'm retarded and I only know like surface level shit. We don't know anything. I don't fucking know anything. But and also I'm a biased asshole. Biased asshole. If you couldn't tell by now. Oh, you know, sometimes you know, sometimes, you know, you're you know, you're in a pitch, you gotta use the restroom, you know. One time I I you know I was on a road trip, I had to take a shit, you know, and you know, we had this little bottle of water, you know. And you know, I I I thought upset there, I thought about it. And you know, I figure a water bottle with a little bit of water water in it, it's basically a toilet.

SPEAKER_00 25:25

Pretty much.

SPEAKER_05 25:26

Basically a toilet. So there I am in the back seat trying to take a shit into this water bottle. Wide mouth deciding? Hey, well, what that's that's the thing though, the the wide mouth wasn't wide enough. So it was just kind of going like carving through the turd like you're like I was decoring an apple. Okay. Sorry that happened to you. Uh yeah. But basically, my point is just sometimes things go wrong, you know.

SPEAKER_00 25:58

Sometimes things do go wrong.

SPEAKER_05 25:59

Sometimes things go wrong.

SPEAKER_03 26:02

Sometimes things do go wrong. Yes, yes, it's okay. Let's get you back to your room now, sir. Huh, thank you.

SPEAKER_05 26:12

Oh man. I don't know, dude. Fucking and here's a I don't know, dude. I don't know, man. I don't know, dude. I don't fucking know, dude. I don't fucking know, dude. But no, what I was gonna say is like I I hate like when people like tell you to vote too. Because especially like they're like right before like election day, people like put a gun your head, like you better fucking vote.

SPEAKER_03 26:35

And they were s and they were sluts a week before for Halloween. Yeah, exactly. Everybody was a slut. Exactly. On Twitter. It's the same people. Everybody online was a slut.

SPEAKER_05 26:43

This is the most important election.

SPEAKER_03 26:45

Like they can't all be the most important.

SPEAKER_05 26:47

And it's like you no, and that's basically they said that about the last one too. And my problem with that is like when people tell you to vote, what they're not really telling you to vote. I mean, they are, but it's like vote implies like go vote for who you think. What they really want you to do is vote for who they voted for.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:05

Really? You know what I mean? So it's like it's a goal when I'm like, oh, I make sure you go vote. It's just like a goal of trying to waste somebody's time. I don't say it to anybody that I actually like. Yeah. So if I told you, why don't you go vote? It's because I want to waste your time. Yeah, exactly. We're in guess what? We're in Illinois. I don't know. I kind of I'm doxing us. We're in Illinois. It doesn't fucking matter what you vote for.

SPEAKER_05 27:28

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 27:28

It comes out the same every time.

SPEAKER_05 27:30

Yeah, we're not a switch.

SPEAKER_03 27:32

We're not a swig. It's just what it is. Uh fucking uh I had a bad experience. I I did go and vote.

SPEAKER_05 27:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:40

I had a bad experience.

SPEAKER_05 27:42

Really? Whatever.

SPEAKER_03 27:42

Yes. I so I'm fill out my, you know, fill out my vote.

SPEAKER_05 27:46

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 27:48

Not to brag RFK.

SPEAKER_05 27:50

Alright, alright.

SPEAKER_03 27:51

RFK is pretty cool. I'm gonna do him. She's got a cool voice. Go to hand it in, the little fucking sucky sucky thing. Hand it in. The guy's like, oh, did you fill it all out? I'm like, no. I was like, no, because I don't know anything. You can just you still submit it the same, and I'm like, so first of all, we didn't even have this interaction. Oh, okay. I only have so many. I don't even know how it works. I thought you just I don't know. To me, I'm just like, just put that motherfucker in there. Yeah. It's my ignorance. I'm like, doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:24

I didn't answer the question on the test, so I got him wrong anyway. Yeah. Right? I see, I see that's what I'm thinking. Yeah. So he's like, oh, okay, you know, have a good one. And he goes, hey, has anybody ever told you before that you look like Harry Potter? And I was like, oh man. And I like, it like hurt me to turn around and be like, no, nobody said I look like Harry Potter until right now. And then I was like, fuck, I look like Harry Potter.

SPEAKER_05 28:49

Yeah, because that's not like a cruel thing.

SPEAKER_03 28:50

No, that's what I feel like that's one of the whamest people. Oh, that's who you look like. You look like some dork. You look like a wizard dork.

SPEAKER_05 28:58

What if uh what if Harry Potter was a wigger and instead of Harry Potter Already better than being a wizard. Already? Wigger over wizard. I've been saying it for years. But instead he's Cherry Popper because he only fucks 15-year-olds.

SPEAKER_03 29:17

There you go. Comedy. No, dude, I literally got back in the car and I'm like, I'm never voting again. Yeah. I'm never gonna vote again. I don't care what it is, I'm not voting for it. Because I run the risk of a middle-aged man calling me Harry Potter.

SPEAKER_05 29:34

Yeah. I don't blame you for that. I don't know. I I voted too. I don't know. I'm not saying, but it definitely wasn't the uh the yes queen candidate.

SPEAKER_03 29:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:45

The brat summer candidate.

SPEAKER_03 29:47

Yeah. You're writing, you're such a write-in guy. It's crazy. I'm such a writing guy. No, I'm I was I was like, you know what? I know that this literally doesn't matter, but I'm gonna make it not matter even more. Yeah, no, yeah. Give me the guy that's gonna get 1%. Give me him.

SPEAKER_05 30:03

I wrote in Kanye like the first time I voted, I think. Oh yeah. I think so. That was that the first yeah, I'm pretty sure it was the first year.

SPEAKER_00 30:11

Yeah. He was right.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

Kanye was right about everything.

SPEAKER_05 30:15

But what if what if Kamala won and a brat summer was basically just when we went to war that summer? And then you could carve in XCS into the side of your helmet.

SPEAKER_03 30:27

A brat summer was just us going and taking Canada and making it our own land.

SPEAKER_05 30:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:33

We're being brats. Alexander the Great was such a brat! We're fighting World War III with girl power. Girl power, yeah. Grow boss energy.

SPEAKER_05 30:45

What if I had to go Nuke Grow Boss? What if instead of uh what if instead of brute force it was newt force and you just uh brought in Newt Ginridge as the final boss?

unknown 30:55

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:03

Remember that.

SPEAKER_05 31:05

Wait, he's just like just like a giant, like he rise like rises from the horizon.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

See, this is why we take so long to record. It's so Gingrich final boss. And there's like from the sky, it's like Pelosi's tits are like shooting missiles at you. Fucking rock.

SPEAKER_05 31:27

Nancy Pelosi tits? Have you been on her Instagram before? No, she's a little uh outdated for me. Really? Yeah. She's an old mile. Yeah. A lot of miles on her. One of the first jokes I came up with, which wasn't even a really like a joke. It was just like, I thought it'd be funny if there was like a Nancy Pelosi flavored ice cream. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 31:48

Like a like a Ben and Jerry's guys.

SPEAKER_05 31:51

Yeah, it just tasted like salt, though. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 31:55

Okay. I don't know. The Pinaicto. How can we make a United States House of Representatives into an ice cream flavor? Uh I don't I don't know. I don't know. United States of Reese's peanut butter con I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 32:18

What about a Kamala Harris uh ice cream flavor?

SPEAKER_03 32:21

Okay, Kamala Harris ice cream flavor. Okay. Um Braddy Taffy.

SPEAKER_00 32:28

Braddy Taffy, okay.

SPEAKER_03 32:30

Um Back in Jail Brownie. There's definitely there's definitely hot girl chocolate on the menu. Hot chocolate.

SPEAKER_05 32:41

Hot girl hot chocolate.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

Hot girl hot chocolate. That's definitely on the menu. Um. Um this is great. Hot girl fudge Sunday. Hot girl fudge Sunday? I'll have one girl fudge, please. Let me get that girl fudge. There's just guys that have chick fetishes going into fudge. Let me get some girl fudge, please. Like, fuck, it's actually ice cream. I thought it was Braddy shit.

SPEAKER_05 33:11

Braddy shit. I don't know, dude. Um the only another thing that I do know about her though is like she would like apparently she would like put like put out different like ad campaigns in different areas of the country.

SPEAKER_03 33:24

I saw these things, these like pop-ups that she had. Yeah. I saw them online after the election. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Weird.

SPEAKER_03 33:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:33

Weird. Kind of demonic in the city. It is a little weird. And she she does a little bit of everything, you know what I mean? Yeah, she hits the bases. She's like, she's like she's like that band fish, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:45

She goes, yeah. She tries this and she tries that. She's trying stuff. I don't know. I mean, they had they had four months to put together a campaign. It couldn't have been good. No. They were just like, fuck it, we gotta do all this shit. Because this old bastard won't give it up. This old fuck that can't stand up isn't gonna give it up. And I don't know. I'm I'm gonna say it. Rich shout out Hunter. Hunter got pardoned. Shocked.

SPEAKER_05 34:08

Hunter did get pardoned. Shocker. I love me some hunter. But I will say this. I'll be the one to say it. You know, I don't think a woman should be president. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm biased. My mom said that. See, there you go. My mom said that. There you go. That's a self-arrut woman.

SPEAKER_03 34:25

I respect. I am gonna come crazy. I think a woman could be president, not her. Not Kamala Harris.

SPEAKER_05 34:34

I don't know. It's just I'm gonna put my thoughts out there.

SPEAKER_03 34:37

I don't know. My thing is I felt like she didn't really represent women. If we're going if we're gonna go that angle, I feel like there's a way better representative of women. Who, Taylor Swift? I'm not saying she's exactly the best either.

SPEAKER_05 34:51

Yeah, it's just, you know, women have never really been known for their consistency, you know.

SPEAKER_03 34:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:57

Or honesty.

SPEAKER_03 34:58

I yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:59

Or decision-making skills. Or handling high pressure situations. And they certainly don't let power get to their heads.

SPEAKER_03 35:08

No. I did, I did, I did respect that she was just gonna be like a wine mom president. A wine mom. She was there for the dinners. Yes. I respect it. She likes she likes to have a little cat red cabaret with dinner. I mean, that's fine. And she probably would have fired off some good tweets. I would have liked, I would have came around on her. She's funny, actually. Came around on Biden. I was like, oh, this guy's gonna die. But then I'm like, I don't like him. He's entertaining. Yeah, true. I mean, great. Now I think about it. There was a school shooting and you led a press conference where they had some kind of a different ice cream flavor at the White House. Like, he was fucked. Don't talk about the seven kids that got killed. Hardwatcher chocolate can a bunch of shream.

SPEAKER_05 35:54

Chocolate shrimp ice cream. Changes brewing. I love it, yeah. It's fun. It's fun. I don't care about it. I mean, now that I think about it, men don't really handle power any better. No, no, no, no, no. For me, if I okay, fair enough. But I don't know, dude. I believe what you believe. That's about as strong as my argument gets. I'm so so. It's very hollow.

SPEAKER_03 36:16

Some people do. Some people are built for it.

SPEAKER_05 36:18

I'm Kamala Harris. I'm Kamala Harris representing the Diddy Party. I mean the Democratic Party.

SPEAKER_03 36:24

Crazy. Crazy? Crazy. She was at a party. Yeah, I. Trump probably was too, though. Let's be real. Rappers loved Trump. He might have been, yeah. Do you read out? Remember that? Rappers loved Trump. Yeah, they still do. They still do. They still do. He was definitely at some questionable parties, too.

SPEAKER_05 36:43

I hope he leans into that, dude. You know what I mean? I just I hope on inauguration day, like he just comes out dressed like Cat Williams, like with a fur coat and like a hat with a feather on it. Two bitches on either side of him, you know. He's like dancing and shit. Fucking uh, you know that song Duffelbag Boy by uh Play a Circle?

SPEAKER_03 37:09

I can imagine it. Um I'll pull it up for you.

SPEAKER_05 37:13

I think that would that's the kind of fucking inauguration I want to see.

SPEAKER_03 37:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, drunk. Yeah, just picture it, dude. This is right where he starts doing the boss rings. Right there, dude.

SPEAKER_01 37:34

See build up here.

SPEAKER_04 37:36

Bag on Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Donald Just comes out dancing, smoke the hair is back every bottom smoke cannons, flames shooting up.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

There's fireworks.

SPEAKER_05 37:59

Just everyone's going crazy.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

Oh my god, the most like the hype videos.

SPEAKER_05 38:04

That's exactly dude. I want to see that so bad. That would be the coolest shit.

SPEAKER_03 38:10

That would be the coolest shit ever. That's literally like the like Creed doing how much it rocks is like when Creed did their, you know, the the the big song at the Dallas for the Dallas Quo Cowboys on Thanksgiving at Cowboy Stadium, and the guy was like flying around and singing, can you take No, I didn't care about that. You've got to see this is an old it's old. Oh, it's old. It's kind of like 2003 maybe. Oh, okay. That makes sense. That makes sense. But it's like the dude is just like strong on a thing and he's like gliding back and forth.

SPEAKER_01 38:41

Can you take me?

SPEAKER_03 38:42

Like, it rocks. That's what that Trump video would do. It would fucking rock.

SPEAKER_04 38:47

Yeah. Dude, I don't know. We're smoking that hammer's pad! We smoking that hammer's pad.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

Well, bug there, obviously. He's got his machine gun from the first cool music video he did. Smoking that menthol Harris pad!

SPEAKER_02 39:06

Pour out some red cabaret for Kamala. Communist mala. Communism. Kamimala. Kamimala. Communism. I like that. I like that.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

The mommy kami. Ooh, it's the momikami. He had so many untapped ones. Mammikami.

SPEAKER_05 39:26

But I don't know. I don't know. One thing, one last thing I wanted to say is I don't know. I feel like a lot of the people that were voting for her were just like people who just like have this fake sense of like they wanted everyone to know that they care. So they're like, I found it for Kawa because I care. So I just I I care about other people, you know. I just have so much care for other people. I don't know what to do with it.

SPEAKER_03 39:50

That's all the shit. Is it anything?

SPEAKER_05 39:52

It's fake.

SPEAKER_03 39:53

Well, they do all this, but they pit they pit it against each other, so then people just get more and more divided. I hate to sound like unk preaching to the kids right here.

SPEAKER_00 40:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:02

But like the media does spin shit. Oh, absolutely. Put it on your timeline if they think you're gonna be predisposed to think a certain way. They're gonna try to make you that even more. And it's just fucking people hate each other over nothing then. Yeah. Because they're like, oh, we're so d we're not. Just talk. Don't yell with your predetermined points you're gonna say no matter what. But people are too dumb to fucking synthesize.

SPEAKER_05 40:27

People are too fucking dumb. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 40:30

Like you're gonna be. Here we are on the Horrible Hang podcast, telling people everybody else.

SPEAKER_05 40:33

Actually, no, everybody else is dumb. I don't know. I've just always prefer I I'd always prefer someone be an asshole, but they're honest and fake nice. I hate fakeness.

SPEAKER_03 40:42

I agree. When I when I'm working with like a boss that is like, yeah, he's kind of an asshole, but you know exactly where he stands with you and where you stand with him, it's you just sleep better at night. It's like you know what's going on. Yeah. Be honest about shit. Don't because then you're you're fucking around, you're like leading with all these things, acting like just be you. Yeah. No, I agree. Don't be an issue, be you. Exactly. People want to pick a side too. Oh, and it's and it becomes a team sport. It's sick. Also, yeah, just just pick an NFL team, just like that. If you want this competition, you can do it 17 times a year on Sunday. Yeah. Just do that instead. If you want to tell somebody that they're stupid, just get in wars on Twitter with people. Literally. That's you're fucking. That's what it's still there for, basically, right? That's all it is. That's all the election is, is a different version of your fucking quarterback sucks, dude. And you guys are pussies. I don't care that you want. We're gonna get you next year. Like, that's all that it is for people that don't watch football. It's just whatever, dude. I don't know. It's enough.

SPEAKER_05 41:47

It's enough. Uh yeah. Penis. Penis. Horrible hang. Horrible hang. Shut up, Andy. Shut up. You know what? I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't need to shit on women more, but I got a chip on my shoulder. What can I say? I got a chip on my shoulder. I'm chip Starlight. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 42:10

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 42:11

Yeah. I was thinking, though.

SPEAKER_03 42:12

Get them women.

SPEAKER_05 42:14

Honestly, dude, I was thinking we should turn this into an alpha male podcast. Oh, like Manosphere? You ever see those? You know those podcasts where they just get like two like duped up guys and they'll get like fucking like seven women that are all hot as fuck.

SPEAKER_03 42:30

Let's get dumb whores in here and belittle them to their face.

SPEAKER_05 42:33

And then she'll be like, well, she'll be like, well, I got pregnant and then the man left me, and then now I'm having to raise the kid by myself, and then the dude will be like, Well, yeah, what do you get for being a stupid fucking whore? Whose fault is that? Dumb fucking bitch, and then we high five. Stupid bitch and then we high five. Fuck yeah, dude, you fucking stupid bitch.

SPEAKER_03 42:53

See, this game is your fault. This I actually have an opinion on this. This game, that game got fucked up when the Kevin Samuels guys died. Remember that the black guy that would uh that would just he would have like women would call and do a show. Yeah, okay. And he'd be like, When he'd be like, and what do you rate yourself out of ten? And they'd go like, eight, and he'd be like, and what's and what size dress are you? And they'd be like, sixteen. And how old are you? Forty-two, and how many kids do you have? Oh yeah, yeah. Do you think you're single by ch or are are you single by choice? Yeah. And they'll be like, yeah, and he's like, wrong. Wrong. Yeah. I don't deal with you big I didn't uh I don't want to deal with a big sassy broad like yourself anymore. Hang on. Uh it was funny, he was and he did it by himself. He was the god of the manosphere. So he was like the original.

SPEAKER_01 43:44

He's the OG shit on women on a podcast.

SPEAKER_05 43:47

Because I feel like a lot of these are just fake, because they're all like juped up. It's all and it's all like they're all going over the top to be like mean and shocking, too. Yeah. To be like, yeah, you know what? I'd hit a woman. You don't think I would? I'd To be alive, dude. Bye jitters out ready when I get home. Fucking hitting that bitch. I hit a pregnant woman with a flying knee once. Hit that little fucker right in his temple. Fucking Superman punched him. You know what it did? It toughened him up. Made a man out of it. Made a man. Made a man out of it. That's how he learned.

SPEAKER_03 44:15

That's how he fucking learned. I don't know. That's how they but we us boys, we need to fucking learn through physical punishment. I'm gonna show him what the world's like before he even enters it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. You have to. Otherwise, you're fucking up and you're not a man. You have to show him the world. This is like not. Dumb bitch. Stop talking, dumb OnlyFans shitch. Fucking stupid bitch. Shut up.

SPEAKER_05 44:36

Fucking dumb whore. You're a fucking slut. Fucking your dumb whore. This is why your whole family decides you.

SPEAKER_01 44:41

You know you love to drink cum spot.

SPEAKER_05 44:43

Here, I got you here, I got you a glass of cum. We don't want to fuck you, we're totally hot jacked bros. That don't sit too close to each other. What? You don't want to fuck me? Well then fuck you, bitch. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of my studio. Or we can fuck you with my pit bulls, dick.

SPEAKER_03 45:02

Fucking fat bitch. Dude.

SPEAKER_05 45:07

Yeah, right. I mean, I know we're making fun of it, but honestly, this podcast isn't that far off from that at this point. It's just no hot women. Alright. I need to get a water. What's funny? Andy, god damn it. I told you, a touchdown is not when you molest a kid with Down syndrome. Forgive me. Andy's going wild off mic, guys.

SPEAKER_03 45:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 45:38

I have a lot of problems. There's a lot of fun wordplay. Yeah. Uh dude. I don't know, bro. I should have fucking shit before I record.

SPEAKER_03 45:55

It's fine. Now we're gonna get a really tense. You know, no, it's fine. For this next 15 minutes.

SPEAKER_05 46:01

From now pinched ass. You know what? I'm gonna be honest. From now, I'm sorry, I'm I decide when I shit, right? I'm governing my own body. Hell yeah. Take the power back. I'm taking the power back. I'm I like to be different from everyone, you know? Hell yeah. I'm a contrarian. That's what's up, girlfriend. That's what's up, dude. Honestly, like just a ask me how I'm different. Give me any task, I'll tell you how I'm different. Any task? Any any task, anything.

SPEAKER_03 46:29

How do you put gas in your car?

SPEAKER_05 46:31

I fucking shove it down my throat and suck it off and then swallow all the gasoline. Yeah. Wait, you're pretty different.

SPEAKER_03 46:39

I am different. How do you go through the drive-thru at McDonald's?

SPEAKER_05 46:43

I fucking jump through the window into theirs and I kidnap the lady at the drive-thru. Put her in my trunk. Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 46:52

I didn't guess you'd be so unique.

SPEAKER_05 46:55

I'm very unique. In fact, when I when I shit, I I don't even like shit on. I poop manually. You poop manually? I poop manually. I take it out by hand. Always? Always. It's like cleaning out the gutters. It's like cleaning out the gutters. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 47:10

Mm-hmm. I thought I was a manual pooper before. No, I'm I'm an interesting man.

SPEAKER_01 47:14

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 47:15

And they don't they don't break? No. Just mush away.

SPEAKER_05 47:19

Well, no, well, it's all about how you grab it. I have a gentle hand. You know what I mean? As long as you grab it all. It's like, you know how like if you grab an eggshell a certain way and you squeeze it, it won't break? Yeah. Same principle. Same principle. Really?

SPEAKER_03 47:36

Fascinating.

SPEAKER_05 47:37

I don't I don't uh stop at red lights at all either. I just blow through that shit.

SPEAKER_03 47:41

Really?

SPEAKER_05 47:42

You know what I mean? Show everyone who's boss. Dominate. You know what I mean? Slow down at greens? I slow down at greens. I stop right in the middle of the road. Right? I stop right in the middle of the road when it's green. Everyone's going around me.

SPEAKER_03 47:56

Laying on the horn's going around you. So different.

SPEAKER_05 47:59

I drive with the horn and I stop. How do you when I want people to go? How do you masturbate? How do I masturbate? I suck myself off.

SPEAKER_03 48:12

Oh, not that different after all.

SPEAKER_05 48:17

You know, uh, we hired this new uh young office woman at work, and uh, it's a warehouse, so naturally all the guys are being friendly with her, right? Of course. Not me. I growl at her every time I see her. You know, I start beating my chest because you know, attraction is primal at its core, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:36

You gotta show her. You have to let her know who's Bob.

SPEAKER_05 48:38

You gotta let her know who's king of the castle. Who's the alpha? This is what I'm learning from all these podcasts I've been watching.

SPEAKER_03 48:46

Well, those are those guys are tapped in. They're tapped in, dude. I'm learning. We're talking about the same thing. I'm learning from the best, dude. They know, yeah. Or or Wes Watson. Do you think that's his name? The other thing you could do is you could always be like, so you want to play a quick game for a quick guess? And put a bunch of bracelets on. That always seems like that guy that guy got lots of pussy.

SPEAKER_00 49:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:08

He got tons, too. Yeah. Just kind of because they're so stupid, they always lose the game. If you play them in rock, paper, scissors, guess who's gonna win? The person with the larger brain. Fuck yourself.

SPEAKER_05 49:22

Thanks. Sorry. I just had a fucking brain fart. They come fart. Come fart? Yeah. I come fart. That's how I fart. I come out of my dickhole. Or I fart out of my dickhole, rather.

SPEAKER_03 49:37

You fart out of your dickhole.

SPEAKER_05 49:38

I come out of my asshole and I fart out of my dickhole.

SPEAKER_03 49:42

It's an eggnog.

SPEAKER_05 49:44

It's like eggnog.

unknown 49:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:46

It's pretty much the same. That's what they've always said about eggnog, is it comes out of its asshole.

SPEAKER_05 49:50

When I told that to my dad, he said, Are you sure you didn't just get fucked in the ass by a guy again? And I said, Dad, I'm a contrarian. I just I'm sure. I'm just different, you're jealous. You're just you're just upset that I'm not like you.

SPEAKER_03 50:02

Sorry, the comb didn't get to my ass through a guy's penis.

SPEAKER_05 50:06

You're just mad that f that uh father is not like son, you know.

SPEAKER_03 50:09

The apple did roll away from the tree.

SPEAKER_05 50:11

The apple rolled away from the tree.

SPEAKER_03 50:15

And it rolled right into a it rolled a penis right into its mouth, dad.

SPEAKER_01 50:21

A penis right into my mouth, dad.

SPEAKER_03 50:24

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, dad. You really thought I wanted to be in the band team? Club?

SPEAKER_00 50:35

Really?

SPEAKER_05 50:36

Nope, sorry, I don't like football, Dad. My best instrument was the skin flu. Nope, yeah. Other people's sons strive to do better and make something of their lives. Not me. I'm different. I strive to I'm gonna live off of your live off of your wage until I die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't agree, but he wouldn't get it. He wouldn't get it. He doesn't get it. He wouldn't get it. He's a stupid man. He's fucking stupid. He's a stupid man. He's a stupid man. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand feeling. He doesn't get freeloading and feeling. He doesn't get my mental health. He doesn't understand mental health and the things I'm going for.

SPEAKER_03 51:19

I need a mental health year. I need every week. And my dad doesn't get that.

SPEAKER_05 51:27

She he doesn't get that. He's not giving me enough time for me to understand myself and work on my mental health.

SPEAKER_03 51:38

It's not right.

SPEAKER_05 51:38

It's not right.

SPEAKER_03 51:39

I need to fuck hookers in Vegas. My dad doesn't get that. He won't pay for it anymore. He said it's time to make your own money, son.

SPEAKER_05 51:50

Yeah. What? Bitch. My Arab dad won't give me money for a BMW anymore.

SPEAKER_03 51:57

You're not gonna spend it all anyway.

SPEAKER_05 52:00

You're just gonna give it to me when you die. Son, son, how do you doing, son? You doing okay? Arabic dad? How you doing? Let me let me ask you something. If you if you had a car, if you wanted any car in the world, what would you want? BMW X6, huh? Yeah, that's a nice car. I'll keep that in mind. Oh, by the way, here's something, here's$500. Buy yourself an outfit for tonight. Oh. Alright. I saw that as a meme, and then I also like had a friend that was like that, so it was like one of those moments where I was like, oh, oh! A racism click. Oh, racism's real again. Sorry, another battery issue. Bag. Oh, fuck. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 52:48

Alright. So you're your I just got a busted cheating voice. Right. When we have technical issues, it's hilarious. Uh yeah. I don't know. I'm just it's just defeat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 53:06

Yeah. Oh yeah. Have you okay? Have you heard of that movie Talk to Me?

SPEAKER_03 53:11

Yes. I have heard of that movie.

SPEAKER_05 53:13

Have you seen it? I haven't seen it. Do you get the do you know like the concept of it?

SPEAKER_00 53:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 53:17

Okay, so they have that hand statue, right? Where it's like you hold the hand statue, like you hold the hand of the hand statue, and then you do the curse or whatever. But what if it instead it was about like a curse and you touch the hand, right? And you touch it and the curse is you become retarded.

SPEAKER_03 53:36

And then I thought you were gonna go gay.

SPEAKER_05 53:40

No, no, we're gonna retard it this time. And then it's like whatever. And then or whatever. And then they're like, oh no, what's going on? And then they look at the hand, and then they realize they turn it 90 degrees and realize that when it's turned 90 degrees, it's the re tarred hand. Oh, we could do gay because it is a gay hand too. It kind of looks like this. Kind of looks like a limp wrist.

SPEAKER_00 54:10

The wrist is not 40.

SPEAKER_05 54:12

Like you do the curse, and you're just like, hey, like, oh, you know. Ah, why does my ass hurt so much? And what fro yell?

SPEAKER_01 54:23

I know me gummy bears as a topic. What's going on?

SPEAKER_05 54:29

Uh I fucking I like K-pop music all of a sudden. Do you have any Funko Pop? Ugh. I like anime now for some reason. That's weird. That's gonna upset people. I'm sorry. Anime's fucking gay. I don't care what anyone says.

SPEAKER_03 54:48

Give me a certain read. Do you like anime?

SPEAKER_05 54:51

Are you a closeted anime lover?

unknown 54:53

No.

SPEAKER_03 54:53

Are you sure? If I ever have to read subtitles, I'm not gonna do it. That's fair. For one.

SPEAKER_05 54:59

You're so anime phonic, you won't even read subtitles of any kind. No.

SPEAKER_03 55:03

Because it just reminds you of something. I tried, I tried with narcos back in the day. Yeah. Remember that on the drug show? Yeah, yeah. I tried.

SPEAKER_05 55:11

I thought you meant you tried narcos.

SPEAKER_03 55:13

No.

SPEAKER_05 55:14

Well, yes.

SPEAKER_03 55:16

But now I know it's three episodes in, and I'm like, am I gonna have a test on this? I haven't read this much in fucking years. Like, no thanks, dude. Yeah. I cannot. I'm not a if you have the subtitles on and you do, I fucking hate you. I hate subtitles. Well, it's just like it makes TV not TV to me. It's TV at the doctor's office when they can't have the volume on, and you're reading the news 25 seconds after they said it.

SPEAKER_05 55:44

Well, if it's like it depends on the show. Because you watch something like Seinfeld, it's like usually it's like night, it's everything's loud, you can hear it. But then you watch like a fucking Christopher Mullen movie, like Tenet or something, and they're all talking like this, and I can't fucking understand what they're saying. And I still got the goddamn thing blasting.

SPEAKER_03 56:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 56:00

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 56:01

See, it just takes me out of it, because I'm not watching the show anymore. I'm just reading.

SPEAKER_05 56:06

Like if I'm on my phone, I don't have subtitles on. But for something like that. Yeah. Or if I'm like watching TV late at night, I don't want to blast it. You know what I mean? Subtitles.

SPEAKER_03 56:15

See, this is part of this is part of why I asked this lady to marry me. We have the same stance on subtitles. Get them off the fucking screen.

SPEAKER_05 56:22

Fair. Alright.

SPEAKER_03 56:24

These are the issues you knew in line on. Fuck politics. Yeah. Are you subtitles or not?

SPEAKER_05 56:32

That should be on the data game.

SPEAKER_03 56:33

That should be on either. That should be like a thing.

SPEAKER_05 56:35

It should be.

SPEAKER_03 56:36

That's if there's a prompt. You know what else should be? Tip size. Can you write your own prompt?

SPEAKER_05 56:42

Uh I can write my own prompt. That's what it should. But I don't I fucking hate that shit. Because anything that I think is funny is not gonna be charming.

SPEAKER_03 56:51

No, it's well that you have to be unfunny to be charming on an app, I would assume. You have to be like generic and not really personality, but like, oh, look at me, I'm kind of funny. So like subtitles or nah. Yeah. So quirky. That's all you're going for.

SPEAKER_05 57:07

I I thought of one. I I thought of uh I'm happy I didn't have to do this shit. Yeah, fucking hate it. I thought of uh I'm a comedian, but I'll take you serious. I don't know if that that's stupid as fuck. But as far as like on that. That was pretty slick. You like that? As far as the dating app thing. Yeah, that's a pretty good dating app, finally. Alright, cool. Alright. Don't steal that. That's mine. Intellectual property.

SPEAKER_03 57:33

IP, bitch. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess you probably shouldn't want me to like it because you don't want to fuck me.

SPEAKER_00 57:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 57:41

So it probably sucks.

SPEAKER_05 57:43

It probably does. I gotta do something though. I gotta fucking I gotta get back on the dating apps, dude. I I've spent I spent too much time alone. You know what I mean? I yeah. You know what I mean? It's fucking miserable. And it's like I I feel like I've passed like the plateau of like time spent to work on yourself.

SPEAKER_00 58:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 58:02

Like being alone, like at this point still isn't really helping me. You know what I mean? It's like this. It's like if you get raped, right, and seven hours later you're still getting raped, right? You know, you're you're not thinking, oh, it's been seven hours now, but you know, that just means I'm gonna bounce back even harder like than I would have. Like, like, no, it's like depriving the brain of oxygen. The longer you go without it, like, direct impact on how much worse it's gonna be.

SPEAKER_03 58:30

What a perfect. The more damage is gonna be due.

SPEAKER_05 58:32

You know, you like that? Yeah. But I don't know, dude. It's time.

SPEAKER_03 58:37

It's fucking time. What about not apps?

SPEAKER_05 58:41

I don't want to do the apps, but nothing else. I don't know where else to fucking. The one place where I actually like was around women, I don't work at anymore.

SPEAKER_03 58:49

So this is it's gonna sound like the worst and funny since it's not the most cliche bullshit. But it's once you stop looking for it is when it happens.

SPEAKER_05 58:58

They say that, but then I'd like. What do you mean? Like, what does that mean? For me, it I I bet my like I'd I'm not just like I'm not like one day just gonna be like randomly when I was up one night. I'm not just gonna one day be like, oh yeah, you know, coming home after work and being by myself in my apartment and drinking. I like to kind of like this, you know? I don't want to meet someone. I want to continue destroying myself.

SPEAKER_03 59:29

It's like, yeah, you're still like, yeah, I would like that, but you're not like putting any effort into it. No thought, no way. You're like, yeah, I hope that happens, but like you're like not.

SPEAKER_05 59:42

Yeah, they say that, but it's like I feel like I said, I feel like I've been working on myself as much as I could. People. People in my life.

SPEAKER_03 59:50

Stop working on yourself, then.

SPEAKER_05 59:51

I have I I I have that's what I'm thinking, dude. Well, what my plan is really, is I'm thinking if like get back into something yourself. Well, I'm thinking once I hit 50 years old, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:04

50.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:05

If I'm still doing comedy, haven't really gotten anywhere, still alone, I'm just gonna intentionally get addicted to Percocet, you know, live alone, and just watch Sopranos or some shit. I respect on reruns, you know. I respect it. That's what I'm thinking. You know, you know what else I was thinking about too? I really I just something about being a wigger is really enticing me lately.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:30

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 1:00:32

Yeah, because they're just so I don't know. Like, they seem to enjoy life more.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:38

They're so free.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:39

They're so free, dude. So I really I really want to just like huff so much galaxy gas until I did so much damage to my brain that I could be dumb enough to like actually be a wigger.

unknown 1:00:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:51

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:52

Buy one of those flat brim hats.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:54

Buy that flat brim hat. Don't you dare touch that sticker.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:58

Oh my god, this oversized zip-up sweater does look cool. Wow. No, I've never talked to my dad. It's cool to give myself a nickname that makes me sound cool. Yeah. I'm J-Rock.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:13

I'm J-Rock. They call me the bulldog. I've always been a bulldog. Hey, because I'm a dog, you know what I mean? I've always been a dog. How was your day?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:23

I've always been a dog. I've always been a dog. I get in that thing, and I'm boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:34

Dude. I've been just so fascinated by my whole life. I've been fascinated by them.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:40

To the point where I think I want to become one. I remember I went to this as a loopers concert one time, and there was a dude, like a tall white dude, sagging jeans, and he had like a Nickelodeon like letterman jacket on. And literally, he had the stance. He was just too a little too loose. Oh, he's a relic. Dude, yeah. And I was just making him like that anymore. Dude, I was just fascinated. I wanted to interview him. Yeah. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 1:02:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:06

I really want we should get a wigger on the show. Do you know any wiggers?

SPEAKER_03 1:02:12

No, not the classic definition of no.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:15

Yeah, I no.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:17

You have to be like stereotypical to really truly be a wigger, in my opinion. Yeah. You have to really check the boxes.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:24

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:25

And I don't. No, pretty much everybody that I hang out with is my at least mildly successful in a way. No, I don't know any. That sucks. It's tragic. It is tragic. I'll put some feelers out there. I'll see if we can track one down. I'll see if we can find one. We'd have to lure him. We'd have to lure him in. We need to, for the Patreon, we need to make content where we go out into the wild. Like we go to the mall and we try to find a wigger. We need to lure him in with oxy cotton. Like a sniffer from a quarter mile. We need to like lure them in. What store would it be? Spencer's? Is that a wig? No. What's a wigger store that means? Wiggers store. I guess lids. But lids kind of everybody goes into. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:11

You can't really.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:12

It's not like a truly good. Spencer's could be wiggler, kind of, I would say. Ish. Ish.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:18

Ish.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:19

But anyway, you gotta track them down. You go to the central. Like say they all say Wiggers love Cinnabon. We just have to like go shoot a bunch of like National Geographic style footage.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:29

Yeah, all from a distance. Yeah. You don't want to get too close. Scare them away.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:34

But we're like, we're zooming in in the shot that we leave in the final edit. That's we need to make a Wiggler documentary.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:40

Planet Earth.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:41

If both Wiggers. If anybody steals our National Geographic Wigger Hourlock special idea, I'm going to kill myself.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:52

We need a patent. We need to get it done before anybody else does. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:58

We need cameras now. Oh my god. Oh fuck. So acting like they went extinct? Yeah, right. Like we're trying to find the last of the remaining Illinois Wiggers. They're endangered. There's only 33 left. If we went up to we're like, oh we found one in the endangered Wigga. In the endangered Wigga. And like put a shitty camcorder in his face.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:27

It was like a stever when you're like holding him up by the shoulders and he's just like We need a Wigan captivity. He's just like slowly flailing his arms and legs like you're holding up a turtle.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:40

He leans out.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:42

Come on, man.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:44

Nodding off on heroin. Shit, man. Get your hands off me.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:51

Shit, get your hands off me.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:56

Alright, we're back. Yeah, I was telling you. I've been doing this Judy Gold character. Andy's never heard of Judy Gold. I don't know Judy Gold. It's she's just I just reached her, researched her. She's just this Jewish comedian. I mean, I ran it down with you. But you know, I would have I like doing the voice like this, you know what I mean? Oh, she's got that voice. Yeah. Jew woman voice. Old Jew woman voice. That's I mean, that's what she is, I'm sorry. But like oh my god. When I first met my wife in the gulag, she looked like a stallion. I mean, she looked a little malnourished, you know, from the genocide or whatever. But I'll tell you, she had an ass, you know. You like that? No? That's a fun character. No lesbian Jewishly. Yeah. Join in.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:49

Come in, the water's warm.

unknown 1:05:53

Fuck off.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:54

The water's warm.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:57

Because you're pissed in it, Judy. It's because you pissed at it. You got a loose pussy from fucking Dex all those years, and now you come to my side. Honey, what did you do with the bullet? You know, the one with the remote. Let me tell you, the night we finally overtook Palestine, we had the hottest sex.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:21

Our neighbors in our all three flats in our three flat heard us screaming. They kept banging.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:27

They kept banging on the stairs saying. We don't care anymore. They're shitty tenants.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:33

They're shitty tenants. And you know what? We own the building, so what are they gonna do about it? If they want to hear me eat my my Jewish wife's big fat hairy cun, then so be it, they're gonna hear it. I don't care if they complain anymore. I haven't shaved my bush since 87. And why would you? When it looks that good, Cheryl. I'll suck you off for a couple pierogies.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:01

I don't eat that shit. Polish food.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:04

I don't eat that shit. Is this kosher? Is it is it is it pierogi? I don't know. We tried. Some of them don't always flow. It's fine. Moving on. I thought that was gonna be a better bird. Why does it keep fucking doing that? There we go. What is it doing? It like keep just moves around where I'm at on the screen. Why does it make you angry? It makes me so angry, dude. Makes me so angry. Fucking um oh yeah. Do you know there's a red hot chili pepper song called She's Only 18? Really? Yeah. We've talked about this before.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:48

Yeah, I think we have.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:50

You know what? You know, I think the worst part though that there is there's a line in that song. This is horrible. I I put my lovin' in your oven. Come on.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:04

I think I put my lemon in your oven. It kind of looks out of it. Kind of like that. They're the californique. How the fuck does that one go? But they're that there's those guys.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:18

Californication.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:19

I'm a faggot. Fucking dick turns out I'm pretty good at it.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:28

Oh, what's that? I can't I can't do a song. I'm trying to do math in my head right now.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:34

Or they got that song other side, goes like, take it on the other side. You ever heard that one?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:39

Hey, that's you know, that song's about getting fucked in the ass. That's what that means. Take it on the other side. Take it on the other side. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:47

Shit in my throat, it's all I ever.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:54

That's the joke with that one.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:58

Thanks for spelling it out.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:00

But yeah. Fucking yeah. I thought, but but you know what? I wasn't that surprised when I saw the she's only 18 though, because I mean, yeah, like you said, California's. I thought that was just a California thing. You know what I mean? What? You know what I mean? Because like California lit surf back, like like surfing vibe, like laid back, yeah. Chill, California. Who cares if she's not old enough? You know what I mean? Like that kind of I found it. It's uh I found it.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:28

Yeah. I thought it was just California to fuck someone.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:32

Yeah, right. That's not that's just California case, dude. That's when we're so LA. We're so Hollywood.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:36

Exactly, exactly. No, you're getting it.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:39

We read scripts, we go out for auditions, and we just California cake, dude. We just califor yeah, and yeah, I'm 41.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:46

Yeah, I've been here for 12 years.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:48

Here's a song I just wrote. Yeah, I've been here for 24 years. When I yeah, I came out when I was 17 and I was hot and I got a couple gigs. I'm just, yeah, that works been also over the past like 20 years. But you know, we're still California Caiton, dude. California Caitlin. Catching waves and fucking babes, dude.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:04

Fucking babes, dude, you know. That's the thing about high school girls, they're all still the same age.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:09

It's it's weird. I it's just weird to me. Like they act like they don't remember me from that one snack wrap commercial. Yeah. It's pretty weird. Like, every everybody saw that.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:20

Yeah, the rev the resolution was pretty bad back when I did that.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:24

It's just this generation, like, they're just on their phones, they never remember my face like that.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:29

They don't remember. I'm not on TikTok, so it's like, you know.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:33

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not really on anything right now. Work's pretty nice. Oh, but it's still California. It's California, man. It's just so cow.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:44

It's so cow, bruh. It's so cow, dude. So cow, bruh. Hooray. Hooray. You guys like that? The flow of this is unmatched.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:02

It's it's like a it's like a cassette cake that keeps skipping. It's like it's good when it's going, but then it's just like it jumps. Yeah. Well, guess what? And right now it's the part that it's doing.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:15

It's like, well, we're gonna keep going. So uh, okay. What if Bear Grills drank his own cum instead of piss? It's a different show. Different show. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:27

Different channel.

SPEAKER_05 1:11:28

Queer eye? Is that the one I'm thinking of? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:32

That's kind of a late night HBO thing. It's like Bear, that's not gonna get you hydrated. I don't know. When I was in Jamaica at the All-Inclusive, they had three porn channels, 24 hours porn. Really? Didn't have to like pay extra for it. Really? It's uh it's unsettling when you're skipping through TV channels and you just see a lady with giant fake tits and you're sitting next to your girlfriend. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:02

Yeah, just like no fucking like this movie sucks.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:06

It's a kid's channel. Oh, fuck.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:08

Yeah, just mix it in right with the kid chefs.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:10

That's crazy. It's literally kids' channel, HBO, HBO signature, three porn channels in a row. It's fucking s that's nuts.

unknown 1:12:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:19

Yeah. Fuck, dude. That's wild, bro. It's like, oh, yeah, don't want I totally don't want to watch that.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:30

I don't like do they have like porn hub in like or like some sort of like porn website? Like they gotta have porn hub. It's the internet. You'd think they would have like gotten rid of that. No, I don't even know. If I wanted to like watch like TV porn, other than put Pornhub like on the TV, like what what what channel do you have for that?

SPEAKER_03 1:12:50

I don't know. It was 68, 69, and 70 in Jamaica. I don't know, dude. That's why. But we were we were getting like it was like uh Miami cable feed. Oh like we got like local news. Oh, okay. Oh, okay, okay. I don't know how what the fuck they were doing, but was the signal shit? Oh no, it was it was legit. Really?

SPEAKER_05 1:13:11

Speaking of TV, I um I had an idea for uh episode of Phineas and Ferb. You know Phineas and Ferb? I know, I didn't watch it. Yeah, I'm not fucking okay. Okay. Well, do you are I was a kid, I was a kid, okay. I'm not I didn't watch it yesterday. I made it I had a joke, I don't know if I should say it, but anyway. How about this though? So Phineas and Furb, right? So Phineas and Fur keep trying to rape Candace, right? That's what and then like when she tells, like, try because like you haven't seen it, but like whenever they keep building shit, like the daughter will like keep trying to like tell on the parents that they're doing shit, but then like it always disappears before they come home and see it. So I'm thinking Phineas and Furcu trying to rape Candace, but when she tells on them, her parents check her hymen and they see it's still there. T.I. is uh Candace's dad. Oh, okay. Yeah, he did do that. Oh yeah. People forgot about that one. People forgot about that one. He's like, nope, that hymen's still in there, you know. It's not as it's not as bad as breaking themselves. It's not as bad. I get, yeah. But then Judy Judy Gold comes in, she's like, Can you check my hymen too?

SPEAKER_03 1:14:45

Judy Gold obsession is a little weird.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:49

I like doing a voice.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:52

It's not Sebastian, so it's good.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:55

T.I.'s like, yeah, I took it, I took it up years ago. Remember that? She's like, uh, you know, I did the window test with it to see to see if you can pass light through it. Uh fuck. Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:15

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:17

It was like peeling dried paint out of the inside of a bucket. Mom, Phineas and Fur were trying to use my Hyman as a screen protector. Candace, we're out of saran wrap. Give me that hymen so I can seal up my pasta. I don't know. That was just gross.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:41

It was intense. It was intense. We need to start doing live pods, and we need to get sponsored by like DraftKings or Fandle or one of those, and we can have live odds on when you bring up a topic, is it going to be the characters are gay or somebody gets raped? Because it's all pretty much one-to-one. Pretty much, yeah. You keep it nice and even. Yeah. Or get fucked against their will. You can be pretty even.

SPEAKER_05 1:16:11

I tried. I tried. Equal opportunity. Fuck this. God damn it. There we go. Fuck it. Uh on the thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's what the fuck. Alright, so I guess we're on a fucking time limit then. Alright. Uh. So I was thinking about doing this one on stage. There's like something of this, I thought of this. Uh I got fired for uh calling a gay coworker a homeowner. And being like, no, I was just he bought I heard he bought a house. I was just trying to congratulate him.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:57

We're just having a homeowner's partner. He came out and said to everybody that he was a homeowner. He was a homeowner. Homeowner sexual. He came in and told us all.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:08

We're all proud of him. Yeah. He said it's got a real nice deep closet.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:17

He has plenty of rooms for him and all his friends to sleep.

SPEAKER_05 1:17:20

Yeah. Plenty of space in the inside. I don't know. Great name. Something to do with that. Yeah. Yeah. Guy is such a homeowner. I don't know how I wanted to like spin that, but like something along the line. Shit. You got a big wordplay guy over here. I like to think of myself as a uh wordsmith. A wordsmith. A wordsmith. You know. An artiste. An artiste of the language. An artiste. I am an artiste. Yeah. You know. With words. With words and sounds. Just a collection.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:05

Stream together in four sentences.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:08

Just a four.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:12

I'm not even high, guys. That's the fucking part.

SPEAKER_05 1:18:14

We're getting we're getting tired. We're getting tired of getting close to the end of the list. You wanna do some Habibi voices? Ribiting. Bob and Virgin. Bob's Virginia? Please open Bob's. Please open Bob's. Open Bobs. Hello, beautiful. I would like to rape you. I mean, I would like to take you out on a date.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:40

Please come to Brazil.

SPEAKER_05 1:18:42

Please come to Brazil. Please send please give me your credit card number.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:49

Please send me pictures of your feet too.

SPEAKER_05 1:18:52

Please send me pictures of your feet too. Show me the buttons. I love the dirty buttons. I love the bottoms of the feet. Uh that reminds me. Um Aladdin. Right? Okay. So how about this? Uh Aladdin, right? How about Aladdin rubs the magic lamp and wishes for Vegene and a magic carpet? And then he gets the magic carpet, and he's like, This is not the magic carpet I'm meant. Alright. Okay. Yeah, you threw me off, threw me through a loop on that one. Right? You like that?

SPEAKER_00 1:19:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:32

So apparently, like, I don't even know if I've seen the movie until since I was a kid. So I was just like looking into like what the apparently, like, she has to use to like save this princess or whatever. Which immediately I'm looking, you know, as far as a cartoon was, they draw her to look beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:51

Which right there is the first discrepancy.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:58

Yeah, her yeah, her jets weren't big enough. Everybody's blockbuster's biggest complaint.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:04

No, I'm kidding. There are some good-looking Armenian women. But that brings me to the second discrepancy, which was there was a uh Indian man with a beautiful woman. Another thing that wouldn't happen. So, like, how did he like was that an arranged marriage? How did that happen?

SPEAKER_03 1:20:23

Yeah, you're just asking the questions.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:24

How did he pick that up? You're just asking the questions.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:27

We were all thinking of them.

SPEAKER_05 1:20:29

You're just here asking them. You're different. I ponder things. I'm a ponderer. I'm not a wanderer, I'm a ponderer. You know. You sit and ponder. You don't wander. I don't wander. I sit and ponder, never wander. That's one thing about you. Sit and ponder, never wander. Never wandered. Or how about this? What if he rubbed the lamp and instead of a genie, a giant stench cloud comes out? Like a dirty bubble.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:00

Yeah. That's the crossover right there. We're just documenting this. That's who we are.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:07

Please, princess, I would like to rape you. I mean I saw it take you out on a date. Aladdin, no means no in every language. I told you.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:16

Oh, you could just ask for the pussy.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:20

Oh Robert Williams, I don't know why you didn't ask for the pussy. Excuse me, madam. Would you like to come take a stri uh shit in the street with me? Now I'm going to make a song nothing about you. You don't get a pussy. No more wish, no more wish. No more no vagine for me? Unless you suck the genie's dick.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:39

No more wish, no more wish, unless you suck the genie's dick. And the lamp turns into a penis.

SPEAKER_05 1:21:50

Yeah. I like that.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:53

Uh fuck, dude. Oh, you have to suck at the completion.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:57

Oh, I bet you want that wish. Oh, suck at the completion. Come on, I'm gonna become all I'm gonna become all over your face. It's a form of blue splash. Blue splash. Blue splash! Blue splash!

SPEAKER_05 1:22:15

It's like SmurfCom, but I want Genie.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:23

One more wish. This is the gen the new the adult genie comedy. Yeah. Adult Aladdin. You can't ask for You can't ask for three more wishes, but you can suck my genie dick. You can suck my genie dick. Robin Williams is back from the dead with his new genie dick. Oh, I want you to suck it. Oh, I want you to suck it. Oh future life presentation from Beyond the Grid.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:53

Ooh!

SPEAKER_05 1:22:55

Uh alright. Um fuck, dude. I'm starting to feel like I have the uh the IQ of a wigger right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:06

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:06

I really am. Maybe I'm just finally becoming it. You're smart.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:11

You're finally unlocking everything.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:12

I'm finally unlocking everything. Yeah. How about this? What you know you know uh Big Bang Theory, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:23:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:19

What if Sheldon was a wigger?

SPEAKER_03 1:23:22

Could you imagine young Sheldon? Young Sheldon. The episode when he becomes a wigger. It's like What if he was an intellectual wigger? An intellectual wigger? He stayed autistically smart. That'd be cool. He maintained like all kinds of big words and had an LA Angels hat.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:44

She became like a full blood. Did you have the phase?

SPEAKER_03 1:23:49

What? The Wigger phase. A tiny bit. Yeah, yeah. A tiny bit.

SPEAKER_05 1:23:53

A tiny bit. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:55

That's part of why it's so funny. I was it was like a real roller coaster ride for me until probably about the time I hit 25. Really? And now I've just fully sent it into white man. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:06

No, I fuck I succumbed to it. Yeah. But I want to go back.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:09

That's why I really I'm working the It's so tempting for a weekend. Yeah. Fucking presentation will be a Wiggler in like North Carolina.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:19

Sheldon becomes the highest ranking member of the nine Trey Bloods. You see him on America's Voice Most Wanted.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:27

Nobel Peace Prize is a Wiggler.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:29

He's wearing like the Time Man of the Year. He's wearing like a Rugrats Letterman jacket. But all the Rugrats are black on the jacket. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:39

They all have fiddles on.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:41

He's like, shit. Howard, what you know about gang? Howard, what you know about string theory. What you know about string theory? She goes up to Penny. It all started with a big bang, bang. Bang. He goes he goes up 300. He goes up to Penny. He's like, hey, Ma. Can it get in them guts? We'll peep that out. We'll peep that out. He said women.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:22

It hit. Move on. Okay. Hey yo pennies. Hey, Penny. Shit. What'd you do walking around with all that white ass snowflake?

SPEAKER_05 1:25:35

What else hanging out on the apple bottom, J. Good snowflake? Shit.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:40

About to make me flurry.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:46

Oh.

unknown 1:25:51

No.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:53

That hit just put me in crash protocol. You good?

SPEAKER_00 1:25:56

You need some ice?

SPEAKER_05 1:25:57

You need ice?

SPEAKER_00 1:25:58

I'm good.

unknown 1:25:59

Alright.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:00

Okay. How about this? How about instead of uh Kendrick Lamar, it's Kendrick Retard. Okay. He's like, I remember you was conflicted.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:18

It's DNA, but it's like Beetlejuice trying to spell red.

SPEAKER_05 1:26:29

Fuck. You know, I was, you know, going through my usual songwriting process. And I was thinking, what if I wrote a rat verse, but it was from the point of view of God and the devil having a conversation. That's it, yeah. Certified pedophile. Certified pedophile. To be fair, I want to say I'm not defending Drake, but I think Let's go.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:59

Nobody nobody has stood up for Drake. Let's go.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:02

I've been calling people pedophile my whole life. Anyone could just say you're a pedophile. It has to if it had like a if there was like a real legit accusation on it, then that'd be a huge hit. But I think honestly, the push it tee one was a bigger diss because he actually had that kid and he like was forced to reveal it to the world. You know, that was a real thing. He Pendrick just called him a pedophile. He just called him a name.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:26

Yeah, he called him a name.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:28

Hot take.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:29

I agree. Push a team buffed his ass up harder. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree. The Bremer Picture.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:41

Yes, I do.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:27:44

You guys. Goodness. Why did you let him still do this, guys?

SPEAKER_05 1:27:48

I don't want to say there's such a thing as good blackface. But as far as blackface goes, that was blackface, blackface.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:55

That was really blackface. It really was.

SPEAKER_05 1:27:57

It was really blackface. It was really blackface.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:02

It was intense. Yeah, it was intense. And it just nothing happened to him at all. He was just cool. From the song, everything. Everybody's like, oh, he's the kid. It's not like always a piece of shit. Yeah. I do think it's funny that like we want we want our rappers to make music that they don't have morals at all, but then we call them out on their morals.

SPEAKER_05 1:28:22

Yeah, it's crazy. It's like, what? It's like, yeah, I was real. I was I literally laid it out exactly as a song. I don't know. I said it. I went to jail for it. And I'm mad about it. Fuck. Dude. Fucking. It's crazy that he like stayed relevant for so long, though. Drake's been so positive for so long. Who's popular? Maybe? I don't know. I mean, he's not really in the top three anymore. Who's top three now? Like, not just artists in general, like popularity.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:54

Popularity, I don't think. I don't know. Drake would probably I don't know if he's like top three for everything, like all combined anymore. He was there. Taylor Swift was number one in music. There was a moment.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:07

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:08

Yeah. Taylor Swift.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:10

Sabrina Carpenter's up there.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:12

I know about her. She's gotta be very popular.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:15

She's fucking huge now. Um well she's tiny, but she, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:21

But oh yeah, didn't she fucking doesn't she do that thing where she like had that line about BBC or whatever? Sabrina Carpenter? Yeah.

unknown 1:29:29

I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:30

Something about they told me not to say BBC, but I want it in me or something.

unknown 1:29:35

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:35

And she's too fucking tiny for that. And then she and then and then like I go, she's trying, she keeps trying to like push this sexualize shit on stage, so I'm not against that. That's fine.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:45

But you just keep making me sad that all I all these all the girls want is fucking black dick now. You know what I mean? And I can't stop thinking about her just getting railed. Just split in half. You know what I mean? Wow. It's sad. Is that like a form of self-harm?

unknown 1:30:04

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:04

Have I made that joke before? I don't know. But requesting a big dick is maybe self-harm. It could be. Size queens are just sad. Yeah. They're sad queens.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:14

Fucking um, I was so here's what I was thinking, actually. I was I want to be her, I want to be your manager, right? Yeah. And I think her next You're qualified. Right? I don't know why she hasn't never read your resume. Actually, I lied. I actually am her manager now. I didn't tell anyone. But that's a congrats, it's a huge collagen. Yeah, I'm letting it on the air now. Have it here first. Have it here first. And uh so, and I'll let you know a little secret. Uh her next project is actually a concept album about uh getting ran through by the entire basketball team.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:45

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:46

You know what I mean? Yeah, well, I'm thinking I'm thinking I'm really gonna lean into this BBC thing. I really want to, you know what I mean? And here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking a different, you know, style of music, too. You know what I mean? I'm thinking, I'm thinking swing, you know? Swing. Swing.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:05

Because BBC swings. You know.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:07

BBC.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:08

That's the thing about it.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:08

It swings. To and fro, back and forth. To your chain angle. New chain angle. You know what I mean? I I think I think it'd be a nice, I think the fans would appreciate it, don't you think? I think that's a that's the natural next step. The album starts off, it's like, let me tell you a little something about BBC. I had a few of them boys inside of me, you know. Yeah you like that? Some snaps going, you know. I don't know, what were the dances? The Charleston, you could do the Charleston to it. And another one. Anyway, BBC swing. But yeah, man, I don't know, dude. Don't like she's gotta get split in half from that shit, right? Don't you think?

SPEAKER_03 1:31:53

I don't know. She might be a real deep gal.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:56

It is I feel like it'd be like a rhino like spearing its prey. Like, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 1:32:02

I mean, if it's a real aggressive type, yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

SPEAKER_05 1:32:06

I mean, maybe that's how she likes it. But anyway. But anyway. What was I saying? Oh yeah, fucking the song. So yeah, that's the first song, right? And then song two, different style change. I'm thinking something along the tone in a vicinity of obscenity by System of a Down. Oh. Do you know that song?

SPEAKER_00 1:32:25

Yeah, that's gonna hit with the U's.

SPEAKER_05 1:32:27

Yeah, that'll play. I'll play a little bit of it just so you get the the idea.

unknown 1:32:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:32:39

Something a little goofy, a little Yeah. You know, yeah, go ahead, take the time. Exactly, yeah. All kinds of shades of fucking perfect for this job. I'm perfect for this job. Hopin' a happin' a hoppin' hoppinana happin' a hoppinana hopa guy. How about that? You like that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's cool, right? Yeah, cool, fresh, yeah. Cool, fresh job. That's the sound we've been looking for. But yeah, I mean that's all we got so far. I'm thinking maybe country for the third one.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:09

Country, yeah. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 1:33:10

Yeah, I'm not a big country guy.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:12

That's not really popular right now. I wouldn't do that. I'd do something jazzy, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:16

You think something jazzy? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:18

Maybe we could do that. Maybe an instrumental of just her bones. That'd be cool. If you mixed all the moans up in a jazzy quartet way.

SPEAKER_05 1:33:26

Wouldn't it be screams for her, though? Don't you think it'd be more like screams? Well, screams, bones, you know, tomato, tomato. It sounded sounds painful. Screams bones. Oh fuck. Alright. Um fuck. Oh fuck. I gotta stop doing that. It's so I hate that. Anyway.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:47

Anyway.

SPEAKER_05 1:33:48

How about this? Okay. I like that. I'm gonna keep I like that. I'm pretty nothing. Uh I so how do I word this? Yeah. So I so something about I imagine like when sexy red, you know, twerks, yeah, her pussy lips are so loose that when she's twerks her things. They clap louder than her ass cheeks do. And it's hot. And it's hot, yeah. Just imagine the heat coming off of that thing, huh? It's getting cold outside, and you could see the air coming out of her pussy. You know what I mean? It's so hot it could start a fire in the North Pole. It could keep a homeless shutter warm for the entire winter. Ah, pussy's so hot, it could start a fire in the North Pole. It could start a fire in the North Pole. It could start a fire in the North Pole. Are you hearing this guy? Are you hearing this guy? This is groundbreaking stuff, Tony. That pussy is so warm. You could cook a Neapolitan pizza with that pussy. It's so hot. That's a wonderfully warm pussy. Oh, Jenny oh. But I don't know. I really want to emphasize, I really want you to like envision like her clapping her ass and then her pussy lips clapping even harder.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:06

Oh, I am.

SPEAKER_05 1:35:08

Oh, yeah. Getting sexy. It's like a it's like a dog's mouth.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:22

I don't know. It's like a like a wallet. Like a like a wallet. Like a trifold wallet. An old one.

unknown 1:35:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:35:30

An old one. It's like the cough of a work hoodie, you know?

SPEAKER_03 1:35:38

It's like a tone, like the tear that you'll see tradesmen do on the neck. Yeah. Exactly. It's connected at what tiny thread.

SPEAKER_05 1:35:46

Yeah, just one tiny thread. Uh what else do we have? We've gone a long time. I'm gonna just do a few more. Uh oh yeah. Did we? I don't know if you make me drum. Remember, remember uh the Nicolas Cage bit we did a while back? I just I just re-listened that episode, actually. That was a fun one. Um okay, what if there was a guy who woke up out of a coma and the only thing he didn't forget was 9-11.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:27

He never forgot.

unknown 1:36:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:30

That's an American.

SPEAKER_05 1:36:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:33

That's a real American. I'll get a foxhole with that son of a bitch any day of the week. Fuck yeah, dude. He never fucking forgot everything else.

SPEAKER_05 1:36:41

Maybe, maybe, maybe he is a veteran and his PTSD's so bad, and that's why the only thing he didn't forget was 9-11.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:49

Yeah. It's a national tragedy. Exactly, dude. It's beautiful. I think that's horrible, actually. Um, it is, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:37:03

It is. Alright, we're just fucking running through them now. Uh I've had this as a thought. Um the louder your farts are, the straighter you are. Because it means you have a tighter asshole. And the air going through a smaller hole makes it louder. Wow. Mm-hmm. This is a thought you had. So if you only fart quietly, it means you might be gay. It means you might be getting fucked in your cooter.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:29

Now, what you're not your cooter. Wow. A guy like me will have some that throughout the day I have loose asshole syndrome where they just kind of I'll just be walking and releasing. But then other times, I'm I'll uncork a fucking three-alarm echoer. I'm a man of maybe I'm bisexual.

SPEAKER_05 1:37:49

What if uh Elvis had a loose asshole? And that's why he kept like swinging his hips all the time because he just had a turd in there and he was just trying to bounce it around and keep it from falling out. He always had the white pants, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:01

You know, you gotta keep he didn't want to run the party.

SPEAKER_05 1:38:03

You know what I mean? I ain't nothing but a gay faggot. Fucking all the time.

SPEAKER_01 1:38:13

Uh nothing but a shit shaker.

SPEAKER_05 1:38:19

Uh I'm running out, dude. I think I'm just gonna. Yeah. We'll fucking probably end it up. Or we'll end with this one. Um, do you have you ever heard of Kenny versus Spenny? Yes. Kenny versus Spenny, right? Yes. So it's like two guys they do challenges and shit. I remember this, yeah. So I was thinking, what if it was girl Kenny versus Spenny, and the challenge was to see who can accuse more men of rape.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:48

I was right on that one. You like it? Pay me out.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:52

Rape on that one.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:56

It was obvious it could have went our Kenny and Spenny doing gay things to each other. Okay, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:39:06

That was a that was a cool show. I w I went through a little face because Liam showed me that.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:10

He showed me that.

SPEAKER_05 1:39:11

Yeah, yeah. Apparently, like Spenny's like a shit guy. Did you know that?

SPEAKER_00 1:39:17

Really?

SPEAKER_05 1:39:17

Apparently, I don't I don't I shouldn't even bring it up because I can't remember any details, but if you look up like I watched a video, I'm pretty sure. There's like an iceberg. So like it's weird because like the whole like you know, bit of like everybody hates Spenny in the show, yeah, it like kind of comes to real life.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:38

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 1:39:39

You know what I mean? I I wish I had fucking did more research. I should have looked into that more. Film proof true. A film proof true.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:49

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 1:39:50

Ain't that a penis in the bar? Ain't that a penis? Oh yeah, we're gonna do sopranos. We didn't do any sopranos. We haven't done sopranos. Fucking don't you? I've been watching it again lately. Fucking tony. I've been trying. I'm so bad with shows, dude. How about how about the Mexican Sopranos, right? And instead, it's the Poblanos. The Poblanos.

SPEAKER_00 1:40:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:40:16

You like that?

SPEAKER_00 1:40:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:40:19

I don't know. It'd be like, it's basically a cartel thing, right? Yeah. Is there is there like a cartel version of like Sopranos? Similarly. Is that what it is? It probably is.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:36

Probably something like that. I don't fucking know.

unknown 1:40:39

Alright.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:39

I just started uh Breaking Bad.

SPEAKER_05 1:40:41

Oh, did you? I always hear so many fucking good things about that. With your lady, you said? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a good show to watch, like with someone. I feel like it'd be easier to like commit to a show if you like have made it as a thing, you know? Yeah. Sure. Alright. Well, I'm not gonna keep torturing you and everyone. We're at a minute forty or an hour forty-two. Holy shit. And this thing is there's a lot that's coming out. Yeah. And this interface is just burning batteries, so. Literally. Let's literally I've had to fuck I went through like smoky in the podcast studio. Yeah, the factory is about to burn. It's insane. Fuck. Well now I gotta get a new goddamn interface. Alright, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 1:41:24

Whatever.

SPEAKER_05 1:41:25

Alright. Horrible hang, guys. Alright, bye.