Episode 17 - The Great Walls of Vagina

recorded this a couple months ago but got lazy and never posted it

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

One. Ugh.

SPEAKER_06 0:03

Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_03 0:04

Horrible hang. How's the vibe, Andy?

SPEAKER_06 0:08

Horrible.

SPEAKER_03 0:08

Horrible fucking but we're both down bad right now.

SPEAKER_06 0:11

We're both commiserating.

SPEAKER_03 0:13

We're both fucking miserable right now. Things are not going well.

SPEAKER_06 0:17

Will they ever go well? Probably not.

SPEAKER_03 0:19

Probably not.

SPEAKER_06 0:20

So why even bother?

SPEAKER_03 0:21

Why even fucking bother? Why even bother? Because you can't kill yourself, otherwise they'll put you in a fucking space.

SPEAKER_06 0:26

This is this is the thing. I've at least came to terms and been able to admit I don't have the stones to kill myself.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

That is true. I can admit that.

SPEAKER_06 0:33

I don't.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

That is true. Can you hear the kitten?

SPEAKER_06 0:36

I just heard the kitten.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

I guarantee you could probably pick that up.

SPEAKER_06 0:39

It's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

Whatever. What are you saying?

SPEAKER_06 0:43

No, I don't. I've came fully came to terms. I do not, I will never have the stones to do it. But I'll just like slightly wish. That's kind of where I I'll slightly wish upon a star that a drunk driver will come over and tragically kill me.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

I'll get as close as I can to doing it. Like I'll just I'll like smoke a pack of cigarettes a day hoping that one day the cancer just hits.

SPEAKER_06 1:01

Long-term suicide.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

Long term suicide.

SPEAKER_06 1:03

Long-term suicide's a beautiful thought. I just oh man. I just don't have I have commitment issues. I can't even commit commit to killing myself.

SPEAKER_03 1:12

I feel that.

SPEAKER_06 1:12

I feel that, bro. In long-term, short-term, whatever. I'll just sit here and be miserable the whole fucking time.

SPEAKER_03 1:18

I feel that, bro. What's it about? Die alone, bro. Why? A big my thing hit for me has always been like, here's my thing. I've been alone and depressed my entire life, pretty much. Not my well, half my life. But like if I'm thinking, honestly, if I hit like 50, nothing's changed, I'm still not married, my comedy career is still in the shit. I'm intentionally getting addicted to percocets, and I'm just gonna find a room for myself, you know, pay rent on that, and just watch Sopranos be addicted to Percocets and just rot away.

SPEAKER_06 1:51

And either the Percocet gets you or the money runs out and you have to get yourself. It's what it is. Exactly. It's a really beautiful, simplistic way to do it.

SPEAKER_03 1:59

Something about being addicted to opioids really does appeal to me for some reason.

SPEAKER_06 2:04

Why is it so sexy?

SPEAKER_03 2:05

Something about it is sexy. And I listen, I know it's gonna if I do it now, it's gonna ruin my life, but I figure if I wait until I know it's over.

SPEAKER_06 2:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

Until I know everything's just dog shit.

SPEAKER_06 2:16

But this is the stupid human brain where it's like, oh, but things will be different.

SPEAKER_03 2:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 2:20

Oh, it's gonna be different.

SPEAKER_03 2:21

Mm-hmm. That's the human brain.

SPEAKER_06 2:23

She's totally different. She's different. She's changed.

SPEAKER_03 2:25

Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill myself, bro.

SPEAKER_06 2:27

Oh, dude. We're gonna- I think this is gonna be the first podcast with two live suicides. Horrible hang, bro.

SPEAKER_03 2:33

Or this is the episode where we both kill ourselves live.

SPEAKER_06 2:36

I'm gonna hang myself horribly.

SPEAKER_03 2:37

That's why there's such a long silence at the end of the episode.

SPEAKER_06 2:41

Eventually, his roommate will come home, find us, hopefully kick the recording, and Greg post it.

unknown 2:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 2:48

Post it, Greg.

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Imagine if Greg just like went live. There's like a three-hour gap where we're just dead. And he just goes.

SPEAKER_06 2:56

The computer runs out of storage. Just make it a case study. Post it and hear the final 45 minutes of somebody's like. I want somebody to be able to study the final 45 of my life.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

Somebody that's records shit, like you should kind of know that, you know, they live for content, you know? Yes.

SPEAKER_06 3:17

I want you to enjoy the beautiful audio quality of me croaking.

SPEAKER_03 3:20

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 3:21

I can't.

SPEAKER_03 3:22

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 3:23

I'm walking so you can run.

SPEAKER_03 3:25

These fucking$300 road microphones could probably pick up every last fucking sound.

SPEAKER_06 3:30

You'll hear you will hear the however it ends up happening, but if I'm bleeding out, you're gonna hear the blood hit the carpet.

SPEAKER_03 3:36

You're gonna hear the fucking uh you're gonna hear the resonance of the sound of the gunshot through the apartment.

SPEAKER_06 3:41

We just heard we just heard a cat meow through a door.

SPEAKER_03 3:44

These are great microphones.

SPEAKER_06 3:45

These are great microphones.

SPEAKER_03 3:47

Shout out road. I'm in a lot of debt. Anyway.

SPEAKER_06 3:50

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

Hell yeah, dude. I have a do-rag on for some reason.

SPEAKER_06 3:54

It's a comedy podcast, that's why. It's a comedy podcast. That's why you have a do-rag.

SPEAKER_03 3:57

And I'm feeling myself. I'm feeling my true self.

SPEAKER_06 3:59

It looks right.

SPEAKER_03 4:01

Thank you, dude.

SPEAKER_06 4:02

It looks right.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

You know, it I just I have no idea how to tie one.

SPEAKER_06 4:06

I totally just fucking I didn't mean it looks right like that. Yeah. I mean it suits you.

SPEAKER_03 4:11

It suits me.

SPEAKER_06 4:11

You look right with it. Alright. Not with how it's presently constructed on your head.

SPEAKER_03 4:16

You know, I've spent a lot of time thinking, is this the path I want to go down? Do I really want to go down the path of true blackness?

SPEAKER_06 4:22

You know? I think you should. I don't know what you're waiting on. I think you should do it. I think you should start talking to a barber about what kind of stuff you use you need to do to get waves. You need to take that hair down low.

SPEAKER_03 4:31

I would love waves.

SPEAKER_06 4:32

Be a white guy with waves.

SPEAKER_03 4:33

I would love to be a white guy with waves, bro. You ever see those videos like the reveal where there's like a white guy and they like actually have waves?

SPEAKER_06 4:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

It's like everyone jumps up and down. It's fucking crazy, dude.

SPEAKER_06 4:45

Jealous.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

Oh, bro.

SPEAKER_06 4:48

Uh your toes are looking at me weird.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

My toes? Sorry. You wanna suck them?

SPEAKER_06 4:55

No.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

I think you do. I think you're projecting Andy.

SPEAKER_06 4:59

Uh could be.

SPEAKER_03 5:02

Uh what do you think? Do pussy lips get chapped?

SPEAKER_06 5:07

I think that they should if they don't.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Yeah, well, they do when I try to talk to them. But um, anyway. I tried that. I did that on stage a couple times. Wanted to see me.

SPEAKER_06 5:18

I like that.

SPEAKER_03 5:19

What do you thought of it?

SPEAKER_06 5:19

Do pussy lips get chapped? It's really more of a thought provoker.

SPEAKER_03 5:23

It's a thought provoker, it is. It is. And I guess it depends on your experience, you know.

SPEAKER_06 5:28

It depends on the pussy.

SPEAKER_03 5:29

It depends on the pussy, you know.

SPEAKER_06 5:32

Me personally. I don't hate a chapped pussy.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

Have you seen a chapped pussy?

SPEAKER_06 5:38

No. But it sounds a chapped pussy really sounds like it should just be a could be a metaphor for she's she's fucking she's got a chapped pussy, dude. She's a bitch.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Yeah, a chapped pussy also kind of sounds like a metaphor for she doesn't want you there.

SPEAKER_06 5:53

Trying to do it. She don't want you. She don't want you grow. That's what it is. Brother, her pussy's chapped for you. She wants nothing to do with it. Unbelievable.

SPEAKER_03 6:06

Unbelievable. I'm a fucking dumbass.

SPEAKER_06 6:07

We're back. We're back. We're so positive. We're such self-loving, positive fellas.

SPEAKER_03 6:12

Yeah, but we're honest. You know, here's the thing. I feel like if you know, you're either lying or you're lucky if you're positive.

SPEAKER_06 6:19

My I have taken this trip down radical honesty, and radical honesty is draining.

SPEAKER_03 6:25

It really is draining, dude. I've gone down the radical, I've lived by radical honesty, not realizing until lately how much it's been killing me.

SPEAKER_06 6:33

It's so not good. It's so not good. It's so bad how much I think about myself. In a non-self-absorbed way. It's a what the fuck way. I'm not like, wow, I'm fucking awesome.

SPEAKER_03 6:44

Yeah, no. You know what it's like? It's it's like, you know when you see just dumb fucking people, there's some people that are just straight straight up dumb as fuck. It almost makes you like jealous of that.

SPEAKER_06 6:56

I I have fallen down this rabbit hole a lot where I'm like, I put myself in my own mental prison way too much.

SPEAKER_03 7:02

It seems like a simplified life for sure.

SPEAKER_06 7:04

It yeah, if I could just wake up mid like no thoughts through my head all day, that's paradise.

SPEAKER_03 7:10

Well, I mean, that's kind of why people with Down syndrome are so happy all the time.

SPEAKER_06 7:14

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 7:15

You know?

SPEAKER_06 7:16

If I could just shut my brain off once in a while.

SPEAKER_03 7:19

Literally. Once in a while. I realized why do you think I'm an alcoholic?

SPEAKER_06 7:24

I have realized that what I do to escape my own thought is I interview people about their lives, and I can get in and you very much are like that. And pick that apart. Yes, I've realized this about myself that I want to hear about your shit so I can silence my own shit. Really?

SPEAKER_03 7:40

That's interesting. I've never actually thought of it that way.

SPEAKER_06 7:42

I don't know if that's, you know, like the actual psychology of it, but I'm like, I can see that being the reason for the defense mechanism of being so interested in other people. Really? Because I'm not really that interested in people.

SPEAKER_03 7:54

I'm not interested. I won't even bother. I don't care about your story.

SPEAKER_06 7:57

But I will interview you.

SPEAKER_03 7:58

Really?

SPEAKER_06 7:58

I want to hear about it. Tell me about it.

SPEAKER_03 8:01

I I do appreciate that about you. That's kind of why, like. So here's the thing. I don't know if we talked about this on the podcast, but we were discussing maybe getting the Doctor of Laughter on the pod.

SPEAKER_06 8:12

Shout out.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

Shout out.

SPEAKER_06 8:13

Doc.

SPEAKER_03 8:14

I don't know if we have we brought him up on here before?

SPEAKER_06 8:16

I think so.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

We probably have. Basic rundown though. He performs at the comedy club that we go to. And um, he's really not that great, but he is a nice guy, so I do kind of feel like, you know. I don't want to shit on him too much, but at the same time, he gets on stage and it's like he goes out there and he does it.

SPEAKER_06 8:33

I'm a little bitch. I don't go out there and do it.

SPEAKER_03 8:35

That is true. Better than me. He does do it, but here's the thing you know, OJ also went out there and did it.

SPEAKER_06 8:40

OJ went out there and did he.

SPEAKER_03 8:42

You know, it doesn't mean I respected it.

SPEAKER_06 8:43

He followed he followed his heart. He had feelings and he acted on him.

SPEAKER_03 8:47

He followed through. I mean, sh yeah. I guess when you think of it like that.

SPEAKER_06 8:50

Orn Thaw had feelings and he acted on him. Bro. Were they wrong? Maybe.

SPEAKER_03 8:55

Bro, speaking of Vault, uh, did I tell you about the uh the guy that uh okay, so you were there once, right? You went there once or twice before?

SPEAKER_06 9:04

I've been there a few times, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:05

Okay, so do you remember the bald guy that would like sing?

SPEAKER_06 9:08

Sing? Yes, yes, yes, I remember this guy.

SPEAKER_03 9:10

Alright, I'm a I'm a fuck it, I'm gonna name job it. His name's Trace Jenkins, right? Sure. And he would perform there, right? And he would always do this thing where he'd like sing in the beginning of his thing, which is kind of weird, but like, you know, whatever. You know, it was his cork or whatever. I don't know if I ever told you this. A couple months ago, me and Noah went there for an open mic, and he did this joke where he's like, you know, there's a thousand over a thousand words in the dictionary that start with the the letter N. What are the odds that I say the one that you're thinking of? And then he says it.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

He's hard R, he says it.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Whoa.

SPEAKER_03 9:49

Bro, and like, dude, the whole audience like gasps, and I think you could like tell that he was like, oh fuck. Because the rest of the set was like just him trying to save it.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_03 9:59

You know what I he started going into, you know, he like, oh, you know, I love black people, you know, black lives.

SPEAKER_06 10:05

Like he started going down that he took a risk.

SPEAKER_03 10:08

Bro, dude.

SPEAKER_06 10:09

How bad is it in any aspect of life? How bad is it when you're like, I'm gonna I'm just gonna I'm just gonna go for it right here. Well, listen. And then you instantly, there's no more instant feedback than stand up, and you get that instant feedback, and you're like, oh fuck.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

Yeah, dude. Well, he like quoted something where he said it two more times, so he said hard art a total of three times on the Batavia stage. Wow. Right? Fucking, and uh, like I think by the end he realized how bad it was. Fuck. Dude, yeah, he was like, oh yeah, uh, I love black people. Uh Black Lives Matter. Uh have a good night, guys. Literally, bro. Craziest shit I've ever seen. And it's like, I haven't seen him there since.

SPEAKER_06 10:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:50

I have not seen him there since.

SPEAKER_06 10:52

Yeah, that would be a tough one to return to. After you're like, alright, I'm taking a chance.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

This is gonna But you know what is kind of funny, is because I went on his Instagram a little bit after that, and I saw a video of him performing at a different comedy club, and he's doing some jokers, like, well, if you think about it, if you say the N-word, you're just making a sound with your mouth, and that's no different than any other word. Whoa. So now I feel like he's like leaning into it, right?

SPEAKER_06 11:19

He's yeah, he's going for it. I think the guy just likes saying it. I was thinking, like because I feel like if I that that feeling of being like, oh fuck. And like turning and like looking at people is like that's like for me, that would be like getting caught, like I just turned around and everybody in the room caught me beating off.

SPEAKER_03 11:43

No, exactly. That's exactly what it's like. Oh fuck, I gotta get out of here. But think about this devil's advocate, just you know, hypothetical. What if that just like crazy coincidence turned out to be like his breakout moment? That that turned out to be what and then what he happens to do actually is he changes his name, right? He really leans into it, changes his name to Nick N words, right? Wow. Yes, right? Wow. And I know Go for it. You think of it in your head, right? And here's the thing the problem is it kind of has a ring to it, right?

SPEAKER_06 12:15

So like the simple problem is it's is it rolls off the tongue.

SPEAKER_03 12:23

It rolls off the tongue a little too well, so that's what I don't know. I always thought it'd be funny, like I made like a fake 2001 type comedy album cover, because I used to listen to comedy albums on Pandora. I thought it'd be funny if I made one for him.

SPEAKER_06 12:36

Oh god.

SPEAKER_03 12:37

Oh yeah. But I don't know. That was a bit that I thought was funny, but didn't think it would translate well on podcast. But fuck it, we're here.

SPEAKER_06 12:46

We're here.

SPEAKER_03 12:47

We're here. Uh fuck it.

SPEAKER_06 12:50

What's the difference?

SPEAKER_03 12:51

What's the difference, bro? No one listens to this shit anyway.

SPEAKER_06 12:53

Just gonna die anyway.

SPEAKER_03 12:55

No one listens to the shit. I think the last episode got like ten fucking yeah, ten listens or something. And that was probably banger. That was a probably one of our best episodes in a while. And this one's not really that good so far.

SPEAKER_06 13:11

This is how they all start. Yeah. This is how they all start. It's like an awkward like.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

Well, we already started by shitting on ourselves to the fullest extent.

SPEAKER_06 13:20

Yeah, it's pretty horrible. Uh with like the saddest shit ever.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 13:26

Instantly the second 37. Yeah, so like we're gonna like we w would rather be dead.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 13:33

Down bad. Pussies, really. Fucking pussies. Absolute pussies.

SPEAKER_03 13:38

Pussy, and I'm a pussy. And fucking.

unknown 13:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 13:43

It's not like I'm fired up about it. It's not like, oh, I'm so cool because I'm sad. No. I don't end. I don't want to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_03 13:50

I've been here. I've been around. I've been here, bro.

SPEAKER_06 13:52

Been on this block. Know these streets well. Show me the exit, bro. Sick of it. Show me the exit, bro. Wanna move into Happy Town. Would love to do that. Would love to.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Oh bro.

SPEAKER_06 14:04

Turns out I might need assistance to do that.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

So yeah, that being said, guys, we have And my life's not horrible. It's not mine is a Mine like all in all. My shit's good. My shit is like, yeah, like 85% 85% pretty much how it should be. I'll never be satisfied though.

SPEAKER_06 14:23

That's my problem. That's the problem. Huge problem with that.

SPEAKER_03 14:26

Chasing fucking satisfaction.

SPEAKER_06 14:27

There's always something more that Andy needs to find.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

It's the same thing for me, bro.

SPEAKER_06 14:32

No matter what.

SPEAKER_03 14:33

You're always chasing the last time, bro.

SPEAKER_06 14:36

Which is why I just need to figure something out, get a fat Midwestern woman, knock her up, and that's it. Figure out how to be happy, fuckface.

SPEAKER_03 14:46

Hey, may I offer you?

SPEAKER_06 14:47

You're not gonna find it, and you don't even deserve it.

SPEAKER_03 14:50

May I offer a suggestion?

SPEAKER_06 14:53

Fire it up.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Write some fucking jokes, nut up and get on stage with me.

SPEAKER_06 14:57

Write some jokes, nut up and get on stage. Interesting thought.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 15:01

Interesting thought. Will I do it? Will I take action on anything that would be positive for me? No.

SPEAKER_03 15:06

Which let me be honest, before I say that, I'm on a high horse because I'm on like I'm coming on a year of doing it like mostly consistently. But before that, I in s like the span of five years, I had done it three times because I would do one open mic where it was like slightly less than what it was last time, and I'd be like, oh s I suck. I shouldn't be doing this. So like I sh I shouldn't be talking. Like I I get it.

SPEAKER_06 15:33

Yeah. But at the same time, I totally get you.

SPEAKER_03 15:37

I start I started going up I was at rock bottom last year. And then I got a shovel and dug deeper.

SPEAKER_06 15:42

I'm so yeah, I'm so confused by like the rock bottom thing. I don't know when I I don't know if there was one out there for me. I don't I don't know. Mm-hmm. I'll find it eventually.

SPEAKER_03 15:52

That's the thing. Here's what I've always thought about like they say like talk about like, oh, you know, life's worth living. There's so much good shit about life. Which there are good things about life. There is. There's tons. But there's way more bad shit. Why does my mind fixate on the really bad thing? Earth's crust is like the good in life. It's very surface level, you know. On the surface, it looks like there could be a lot, but when you really get to digging, you realize it doesn't go that deep and the limit is pretty short. But on the opposite end, space goes on forever. It can always, always get worse. It can always get worse.

SPEAKER_06 16:41

See, and now we're starting to realize the problem with you.

SPEAKER_03 16:43

Yes. There you go.

SPEAKER_06 16:45

Is because the sad you believe in the sadness being more vast than the happiness.

SPEAKER_03 16:50

Oh, did I just out sad you right now?

SPEAKER_06 16:52

No. That's a that was a huge sad boy thing. That was like one of the most emo things I've ever heard. Oh, it was emo as fuck. That was emo as hell.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

It was emo as fuck. Dark.

SPEAKER_06 17:02

It was a good idea. It was. It was pretty good. Take it. I like it. Very sad. Nice parallel. Very sad. Nice parallel. Science. Very cool.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 17:15

Um, for me, I'm just like, it's out. It's like for me, I have no patience. I'm just like, I know what I want to do this for it to be work, for it to work, and for me to be satisfied and have a reason to get up every morning. And I don't have that. So I have no patience. I'm like, give it all to me now, because this is totally what I need, and this is definitely gonna fix me.

SPEAKER_03 17:37

I don't know how you're taking me seriously talking about this while I'm literally wearing a do-rag, but I get what you're saying.

SPEAKER_06 17:44

There's a lot of there's a lot of problems.

SPEAKER_02 17:46

This is a deep combo for Whitey to be wearing a do-rag ironically while we're talking about it.

SPEAKER_06 17:53

Whitey in the rag, you know. It is fucking hot. I'm kind of chilling right now, I'm gonna be honest. Really? Yeah. Here, I'ma pause it. I'm not doing bad. Go bears. Time warp. Time warp. We're back.

SPEAKER_03 18:07

We're back. Just had a little deep conversation there.

SPEAKER_06 18:13

We got way too deep. We got way too deep. I get way too deep. I have problems.

SPEAKER_03 18:18

It's okay. We all have problems. We gotta change the vibe a little bit, right?

SPEAKER_06 18:22

Vibes change, dude. Alright. We're trying, guys. We're trying. We're not that suicidal. We're trying.

SPEAKER_03 18:27

We're trying.

SPEAKER_06 18:28

We are that suicidal, but we're trying.

SPEAKER_03 18:29

We're trying. Well, how about this? I got just the trick. Um, okay, so how about this? Instead of the Statue of Liberty, what if it was the statue of Gertie?

SPEAKER_06 18:43

Trace Jenkins, is that you? Coming live to you from the bedroom.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

From the bedroom.

SPEAKER_06 18:52

The N-word guy. The N-word guy. From your local comedy club.

SPEAKER_03 18:56

The video game word guy.

SPEAKER_06 18:57

The ultimate white guy that says the N-word. Live in person.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

Live in person.

SPEAKER_06 19:05

The statue.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

By the way, if I actually said the whole word, I would have just censored all of it out. But you'll never know, will you? Anyway. You won't. You won't.

SPEAKER_06 19:15

Because you're stupid and you don't.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

You're stupid. You don't. You don't know what I do. You don't know my editing process. You don't even listen to this podcast.

SPEAKER_06 19:23

So of course you don't know. No. How could you know? How could you know? Doesn't matter how much money I put in. Do you even want to know? Does anything matter? Sorry.

SPEAKER_03 19:36

Okay. Oh man.

SPEAKER_06 19:39

Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_03 19:39

Horrible hang, dude.

SPEAKER_06 19:41

We are the worst.

SPEAKER_03 19:42

We are the worst. Ah, fuck. I'm trying to think about it.

SPEAKER_06 19:45

What are the vibes? What are the vibes?

SPEAKER_03 19:46

What are the vibes? I'm just looking through my bits right now. Looking through some bitties. Looking through some big old biddies.

SPEAKER_06 19:54

Um radio bits on this.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

We should run radio bits.

SPEAKER_06 20:02

Um, okay, I guess we can call somebody.

SPEAKER_03 20:05

Who do we call?

SPEAKER_06 20:06

I don't know. Do the bit.

SPEAKER_03 20:09

Alright, I mean this is well, this isn't I mean it's kind of a bit, but I was talking with Nick the other day and he was telling me.

SPEAKER_06 20:16

Dude, Nick. Shout out Nick.

SPEAKER_03 20:19

I don't know if I don't did I did I talk about this last week? I don't remember. But anyway, um, so apparently, like, you know, rabbis, you know, like when they perform circumcisions, right?

SPEAKER_06 20:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 20:31

Apparently, um, when they after they like cut the foreskin off, they perform the circumcision, they remove the blood by um sucking his penis.

SPEAKER_06 20:41

Yes, I've heard this.

SPEAKER_03 20:43

Have you? I have never heard this.

SPEAKER_06 20:44

See, yeah, I've fallen down that rabbit hole. So like rabbis giving kids genital or genital wars. Genital wars. Herpes from the time you got your fucking penis cut off. Is there anything worse?

SPEAKER_03 20:57

Dude, well, he was telling me that and I thought he was fucking with me, and then he looks at me, I'm like, wait, are you wait, you're for real? And he's like, Yeah, no, look it up. And I'm like, I thought you were like doing a bit, like no.

SPEAKER_05 21:08

Yeah, it's a pretty crazy thing.

SPEAKER_03 21:10

But like, yeah, apparently. I guess that's just how they like baptize a child. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 21:15

It's how he cleans it. Yeah, you clean it by the holy one.

SPEAKER_03 21:19

They like, he's and the priest is like, oh yeah, real quick before you uh do anything, I gotta baptize him real quick. He just puts his head down like towards him. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 21:30

Apparently, like you know how you know the priest has like the dick in the box, but it's like a dick in a fish tank.

SPEAKER_03 21:36

Oh god.

SPEAKER_06 21:37

That's probably the Catholic way. It probably happened to me. Whatever. You know how uh you know how Tom speed bagged my fucking infant throat. Whatever.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

You know how Cajuns suck the heads off a crawfish?

SPEAKER_06 21:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:47

While Jews suck the heads off of babies dead.

SPEAKER_06 21:51

Crawfish delicious, by the way.

unknown 21:54

They are delicious.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

You can't say that's racist if it's actually true.

SPEAKER_06 21:58

No. How A racist.

SPEAKER_03 22:00

It's not racist. If it's true, it's not racist. It's just a fact. Should we Google that?

SPEAKER_06 22:05

Rabbis do that.

SPEAKER_03 22:05

Should I Google that?

SPEAKER_06 22:06

Rabbis?

SPEAKER_03 22:07

Do they do that?

SPEAKER_06 22:08

I've heard I should I've heard and I choose to believe.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

Ignorance is bliss?

SPEAKER_06 22:12

Ignance is bliss.

SPEAKER_03 22:13

Move on to the next bit. Move on to the next bit.

SPEAKER_06 22:15

Believe me, it's bliss.

SPEAKER_03 22:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 22:18

Ignorance is briss.

SPEAKER_03 22:20

Ignorance is briss.

SPEAKER_06 22:21

Wait. It's called a briss, too, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03 22:24

What?

SPEAKER_06 22:25

When they cut the baby penis. That's a briss.

SPEAKER_03 22:27

Is it? I've never seen that. I think it's a briss. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 22:30

Any Jews out there, please weigh in.

SPEAKER_03 22:32

Yeah, we need we need more input. We need to learn more words.

SPEAKER_06 22:35

We need a Jew and we need a Jew in the coop. Shout out.

SPEAKER_03 22:42

Fuck Eileen.

SPEAKER_06 22:44

There's a Jew in the coop.

SPEAKER_03 22:45

There's a Jew in the coop. Alright. I don't think this is any good, but we'll do it anyway. So like you know how like when you're in jail, you can like you'll get like guys that can like sneak contraband in there?

SPEAKER_06 22:58

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

You know, like you can like I would try. I'd get bored. You know, you could figure out a way to get tattoos, you could figure out a way to get drugs in there, you could figure out a way to get, you know, phones in there, right?

SPEAKER_06 23:08

For sure.

SPEAKER_03 23:09

Do you think um uh like pedophiles in jail gets kids snuck in from other pedophiles?

SPEAKER_06 23:16

Hmm. Kind of an underground railroad of child child trafficking here.

SPEAKER_03 23:22

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 23:23

You know, I know it's tough, but And the North is prison.

SPEAKER_03 23:26

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_06 23:27

And the smugglers are fellow molesters. Yeah, yeah. It's not as heartwarming of a story as Harriet Tubman.

SPEAKER_03 23:33

It's no, it's definitely not. And you know, you can't really like hide a kid in like in your pants or in your asshole. You know what I mean? You can hide some drugs, but like a kid, you know.

SPEAKER_06 23:43

You can't. There's no hiding. There's none of that.

SPEAKER_03 23:47

There's none of that. It'd be f you do you think they ever tried?

SPEAKER_06 23:52

Hmm. There's gotta be some bold fellas in there.

SPEAKER_03 23:55

There's gotta be.

SPEAKER_06 23:56

Given the the things that you at least you hear on the outside that happen to those jet those file vile creatures. I almost called pedophiles gentlemen. Those vile creatures. I don't know if they'd be able to. I feel like that there would be I feel like inmates who'd also be like, hey, you know what that guy's doing over there? He's fucking kids. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. So probably not. Do you guys hear what we're talking about, guys? Yeah. We're talking about the stuff that matters here.

SPEAKER_03 24:27

Why do we have 10 listeners per episode?

SPEAKER_06 24:29

Yeah, why? I can't figure it out.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

More people should be hearing this.

SPEAKER_06 24:33

Why do I have a regular job still? I don't understand. Why I'm not full-time podcaster. Why? It doesn't make sense to me. Fuck.

SPEAKER_03 24:44

Oh my god, bro. Uh shit. This is very choppy. Um I did that. Fuck me.

SPEAKER_06 24:54

Fuck me.

SPEAKER_03 24:56

Fuck me. Fuck this. This podcast is horrible.

SPEAKER_06 24:58

It's horrible, and I kinda like it. I kinda like how bad this one is.

SPEAKER_03 25:02

I do I kinda do. It's it's terrible, but it's heartwarming to me. You know.

SPEAKER_06 25:07

I'm having a nice time. I'm having fun.

SPEAKER_03 25:09

I think there's some I think there's some uh, you know, diamonds in the rough here. How about this?

SPEAKER_06 25:14

Sorry, we're real as hell, folks. How about parental advisory real as hell?

SPEAKER_03 25:20

How about this as a concept? Uh Tony Soprano siding with Jeffrey Epstein because all those women are fucking rats.

SPEAKER_06 25:32

Well Wood Tony. Hmm. Tony might. Tony might. Given how he treats women, Tony might.

SPEAKER_03 25:42

You telling me these fucking gals are fucking telling I'm too. So I got a fucking couple gumas.

SPEAKER_07 25:46

So I got a couple of gumma can't open a fucking mouth.

SPEAKER_03 25:49

What what's the big deal? You get a vacation on an island. What are you so upset about?

SPEAKER_07 25:54

You're being fucking taken care of.

SPEAKER_03 25:55

You're being fucking unbridled.

SPEAKER_07 25:57

The kid's there.

SPEAKER_03 25:59

You're getting taken to an island and getting dicked down. What's the fucking problem?

SPEAKER_07 26:03

Jeffrey fucked up with the kid pot. If he kept it above board in 18, do whatever you'd please.

SPEAKER_03 26:09

Listen, yeah, listen. That listen, I understand that's pretty horrible, but it shouldn't discount for the other, you know, 60% of what he was doing, you know.

SPEAKER_07 26:19

Treating him like fucking gold.

SPEAKER_03 26:20

You know, he was very grateful, you know, as long as you're not an underage kid.

SPEAKER_07 26:24

You're never fucking grateful for anything, Carmela. You never fucking You never fucking grateful for me. For sure. I'm not defending the child sex stuff.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

Listen, but you know, all I heard was they fucking told? Would they went on a fucking documentary and fucking told it what? Some of them are making it up. See, they they're all making it up, bro. I swear they're all making it up.

SPEAKER_07 26:54

You're fucking crazy. You're fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_03 26:56

They're fucking crazy. Oh, this is terrible.

SPEAKER_07 26:58

What's wrong with your head?

SPEAKER_03 26:59

What's wrong with this episode? This is terrible. Fucking sucks, bro.

SPEAKER_06 27:03

We got too real.

SPEAKER_03 27:04

We got too real too fast. We got too real. We got too real too fast.

SPEAKER_06 27:11

This whole thing's I was only talking about above 18 over here.

SPEAKER_03 27:15

I was only talking about above eighteen over here. Fucking deplorable.

SPEAKER_06 27:20

Under the jail, like I killed Christopher. Fucking sorry for ruining the show for you. You fucking killed Christopher. If you haven't seen it yet, shut the fuck up.

SPEAKER_03 27:31

Alright.

SPEAKER_07 27:32

You're not listening anyway. I didn't spoil anything.

SPEAKER_03 27:35

No one's listening, bro. Alright.

SPEAKER_06 27:38

So, um, I guess I take fault in this. I'm working on overtime and I'm extra dumb right now.

SPEAKER_03 27:44

No, you're good, man. I'm fucking. I took a couple shots. You know, I'm a little slower than I should be.

SPEAKER_06 27:49

It's so hot in here, too, now.

SPEAKER_03 27:51

Is it really?

SPEAKER_06 27:52

Now I'm like cooking. Before I was like, I'm good. Now I'm cooking.

SPEAKER_03 27:55

Oh, well now I know I've had enough drinks because I'm actually comfortable for some reason.

SPEAKER_06 27:59

Nice. Alright.

SPEAKER_03 28:00

Let's let it rip. Let's see how long that lasts. Uh oh, it's over. How about this? Um, okay, so uh a couple weeks ago I was at my grandparents' house, and uh, you know that movie The Whiz? The Whiz, no. No, okay, so it was uh Richard Pryor stars in it, and it's like it's like a spoof of the Wizard of Oz, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Jackson's in it, yeah, yeah. Michael Jackson's in it, right? Yes, yes, yes, yes, I know the whiz. So yeah, the whiz came on, and um, you know how my grandpa is, he got a little upset. Yeah, well, he here's the thing. He calls it the uh the N-word of Oz.

SPEAKER_06 28:37

Well, he's got it's a good bet.

SPEAKER_00 28:40

It's a good bet.

SPEAKER_03 28:41

It's a good bet. It's a good bet. Pretty funny. Alright. Alright, well, if you guys have anything to say about that, um Andy's home address is one. What the fuck, dude? I'm gonna bleep that out. You fucking better. I'm gonna bleep it out. I'm gonna bleep it out.

SPEAKER_06 29:06

Dox me live on air.

SPEAKER_03 29:12

I needed it. I needed the reaction. I'm sorry. I'm I swear to god, I'm gonna bleep it out.

SPEAKER_06 29:16

Now it's 700 degrees in here.

SPEAKER_03 29:18

I swear to god, I'm gonna bleep it out.

SPEAKER_06 29:20

Holy fuck. Alright.

SPEAKER_03 29:22

Okay. Okay. That was a good time for a break. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:29

Geez oinks, I'm gay. Geez, scoobs, link scoobs, joining scoobs. I think he's coming to shove his finger in my ass. Zoink scoobs, I love cock. He shoved his finger in my ass, but honestly, I think I kind of liked it. I don't want to tell anyone. Made me crumb a little bit. I need a new pair of pants, Scoob. Soin' Scooby jump into my arms like that, Scoob. Scoob, don't eat those Scooby snacks that are covered in gum.

SPEAKER_03 30:08

Wow. This is I'm glad that I spent thousands of dollars on this podcast. Oh yeah. Yeah, dude. Uh so yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_06 30:17

This is what episode is this? 18?

SPEAKER_03 30:20

17? 17, yeah, I think 17.

SPEAKER_06 30:23

Almost legal. Almost legal. Legalize the pod.

SPEAKER_03 30:27

Yeah. Oh yeah. I was thinking it was legalize the hang. Legalize the hang, bruh. We're almost there, bro. Fruity Flavors never got there.

SPEAKER_06 30:35

Never. Not even like we're almost doubling up, right? We are almost done.

SPEAKER_03 30:39

Yeah, I think that stopped at 10.

SPEAKER_06 30:41

Yeah. Yeah, dude. It's a perfect town. Perfect time. It's a perfect town.

SPEAKER_03 30:45

Um, fucking, I had one here. Where the fuck was it? Uh god damn it. I hate the fucking way the notes app works, bro. I hate everything. I hate the notewaxer works. Uh Bro, I just had this damn bit here. Sorry to the no one listening.

SPEAKER_06 31:14

It's insane. Um guys, the only reason that I'm not gonna continue to keep going forward is the Chicago Bears.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

I literally had a decent one lined up, but I can't fucking find it anymore, bro.

SPEAKER_06 31:27

PSP's.

SPEAKER_03 31:28

Alright, fuck it. How about this one? How about a service where if you're a fucking retard, you can hand in your extra chromosomes, no questions asked, and we compensate you financially.

SPEAKER_06 31:40

See, I this is what I've always loved about you. You've never been inside the box once. You fully get outside of the box. We're talking in we're talking in We're talking like a Best Buy buyback chromosome program.

SPEAKER_03 31:52

Exactly, dude.

SPEAKER_06 31:53

Like buying up your old computer when you're done with it. Like, I'm done with this guy. I'm done with this chrome.

SPEAKER_03 31:59

I'm done with this chrome.

SPEAKER_06 32:01

Can you take this chrome and give me something in return? What do we what's the buyback program look like? Is it like a$50 target gift card? Like, what is it? What are we talking here?

SPEAKER_03 32:13

I think you give them a hundred bucks or something, right?

SPEAKER_06 32:15

100 pounds?

SPEAKER_03 32:16

I think cash is probably the best incentive, right?

SPEAKER_06 32:19

Cash is a great incentive or candy.

SPEAKER_03 32:21

Or well, it depends on your target audience, Andy.

SPEAKER_06 32:26

It depends. For sure it depends. It depends. Candy. But after they give it back, does the candy not hit the same? Candy probably doesn't hit the same.

SPEAKER_03 32:39

Probably not. Guys, I'm sorry. It's okay, bro.

SPEAKER_06 32:43

Guys, Noah. I'm sorry, man.

SPEAKER_03 32:45

I'm so glad I spent so I'm so how much debt am I in?$2,300 because of this podcast equipment?$2,300 bones in debt. Yeah, I'm so worth it, bro. Honestly, bro, but it's okay, dude, because I'm FinGoth now, remember?

SPEAKER_06 33:02

FinGoth. You know, I just You're all about the high interest rates. Fucking make me pay 30% of the game.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

I just said just fucking take it, bro. Make me. I just fucking take it, bro. Make me. Just take all of what I'm financially worth, bro.

SPEAKER_06 33:16

Look at my debt. Just fucking take it from me, bro. Take all of my take everything from me.

SPEAKER_03 33:21

Just fucking take it.

SPEAKER_06 33:23

Repossess nothing. Yeah. Because I have nothing.

SPEAKER_03 33:26

I thought I peeked at Wall Street for Fengoth, but apparently no, it goes much deeper than that.

SPEAKER_06 33:31

That's me. I have nothing.

SPEAKER_03 33:35

Uh god damn, there is no flow to the septic. Repossess my notes. Or whatever, bro. People who really better. People who appreciate the bits will appreciate it. How about this?

SPEAKER_06 33:45

Um This is for the real fans.

SPEAKER_03 33:47

This is for the real fans, bro. I was scrolling on Instagram the other day, right? And I um I saw like some girl I was following that I guess was posting like a friend of hers that like killed himself recently. And here's the thing. Sad. She uh, yeah, sad, but she put uh like a song but she put a song over the first post. You know how you could do on Instagram?

SPEAKER_06 34:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 34:09

Which already is kind of weird for like a memorial, you know, friend that just killed himself kind of thing.

SPEAKER_06 34:15

I want to say, I really hope it's not the first song that popped into my head.

SPEAKER_03 34:19

What's that?

SPEAKER_00 34:20

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

SPEAKER_06 34:25

I hope it's not see you again.

SPEAKER_03 34:28

No, actually it's not. It was um Back in Black by ACDC. I thought that was a good thing. I was like, that's kind of a strange joke.

SPEAKER_06 34:40

You know what? I like her because I would not want any kind of sad ass song. I'd want badass shit, dude.

SPEAKER_03 34:48

Bro, that's like the ending of uh American werewolf in London. Shout out to my cinephiles. I don't like I shouldn't have said that. That was a terrible. Shout out to my cinophiles. Should have never said that word ever. I fucking hate myself.

SPEAKER_06 35:01

Shout out to my Cenophiles. Come on, nothing. Yeah, it's real cinephiles. Only real cinophiles.

SPEAKER_03 35:07

He's gonna keep fucking repeating it now. I'm a cinophile. I like real American werewolf. I like I like films that have not been around for very long at all, you know?

SPEAKER_06 35:22

Really? Mm-hmm. You're not like a classic film man?

SPEAKER_03 35:26

No, I like films that have been around for less than 18 years.

SPEAKER_06 35:31

Less than 18 years. See, okay, I've got into this argument at work where I'm like, okay, bro, if it's made before 1990, I don't give a fuck.

SPEAKER_03 35:40

You did catch the joke, right?

SPEAKER_06 35:42

Yeah. Oh, I didn't. But now I did. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 35:44

Sorry. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 35:46

I was like, bro, if it's before 1990, I don't give a fuck.

SPEAKER_03 35:50

Yeah, okay. I mean, 1990 I mean. People get mad at me. No, there's good, there's good movies before that.

SPEAKER_06 35:56

I'm sure there are. I'm sure there are. But like, I mean the movies now su I'm not saying like we have good movies now. The movies suck dick now.

SPEAKER_03 36:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 36:05

Most of them did. I saw the new Quiet Place. Have you seen that?

SPEAKER_03 36:08

The first one was okay, that's the only one I saw.

SPEAKER_06 36:11

Well, it's like different people.

SPEAKER_03 36:14

I've never people. Yeah, that usually works well. When you have a fucking sequel that nobody already cares about already, yeah, let's add different people.

SPEAKER_06 36:22

It just annoys me that you can be like, okay, here's a movie with no dialogue now.

SPEAKER_03 36:26

Yeah, because that's the thing. There's literally like barely any talking during it.

SPEAKER_06 36:30

You can't. That's the premise, is you can't. Uh-huh. It's like frustrating. And then, I mean, I just p I pick sh this is my problem with movies. I pick shit apart. And I'm like, Well, I do too, yeah. Wrong. Wrong. Yeah. They'd be dead right now. I'm such a fucking loser like that. I mean, they they talk too loud, they'd be dead now.

SPEAKER_03 36:48

Well, no, you're not a you're not a loser for having a brain while watching a movie.

SPEAKER_06 36:52

Is that what that is? That I have a brain.

SPEAKER_03 36:54

I think so. Because, you know, I think of shit too. And there's movies that, you know, are really well thought out that like, you know, you know, that don't have a ton of fucking holes in them. All the movies that have holes in them are meant for like cash grab, like, oh, let's show a bunch of shit on screen.

SPEAKER_06 37:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:12

And fucking.

SPEAKER_06 37:13

It needs to be like, okay, so we we all we love do we obviously love doing our Sopranos bits.

SPEAKER_03 37:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 37:18

I get immers I got immersed in that because it was believable, and you couldn't pick out and be like, maybe it's because I like the characters, but you couldn't pick out and be like, obviously not.

SPEAKER_03 37:28

Yeah, yeah. No, I feel you.

SPEAKER_06 37:30

Like, and my brain will always be like, really, bruh. No, I feel like I'm the same way.

SPEAKER_03 37:35

I'm the same way.

SPEAKER_06 37:36

I just wish I could turn that off and enjoy stuff more. It's one of my I get that.

SPEAKER_03 37:42

I get that.

SPEAKER_06 37:43

Gripes with myself.

SPEAKER_03 37:47

How about this one? I got uh So have you seen any of The Office already?

SPEAKER_06 37:52

I've seen all of The Office.

SPEAKER_03 37:54

Okay, good.

SPEAKER_06 37:54

So uh California.

SPEAKER_03 37:56

How about this? How about I do my own I want to direct my own uh alternate version of the finale of The Office, right?

SPEAKER_05 38:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 38:03

So here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, you know, uh Dwight and Angela get married, right?

SPEAKER_04 38:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 38:09

But Jim and Pam are at the wedding, and then as, you know, uh, you know, Dwight's doing his toast or whatever, uh, Jim stands up and he reveals to Pam and the entire audience that uh that he's actually gay and he's been leading her on this entire time.

SPEAKER_06 38:26

That would make me happy.

SPEAKER_03 38:28

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 38:28

Pam is low Pam is low-key the worst.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

Pam is I mean, I haven't found the low-key shitty.

SPEAKER_06 38:34

She's low-key shitty.

SPEAKER_03 38:35

I haven't seen a lot of episodes, but she seems like the quiet girl that kind of has some secrets, and you know.

SPEAKER_06 38:42

She's low-key shitty.

SPEAKER_03 38:43

But I'm thinking, isn't that a that's a good plot just, right?

SPEAKER_06 38:46

Yeah. You know. I like that. So how about He actually was in love with Dwight the whole time.

SPEAKER_03 38:51

Yeah, he's been tweeting with Dwight the whole time. And then uh, yeah, he's like, yeah, me and Dwight have been fucking for like ever. Like, seriously, haven't noticed by now? And um basically the last scene of the entire episode.

SPEAKER_06 39:04

We both have AIDS. We both have AIDS, bro. How did you guys not put it together?

SPEAKER_03 39:08

Sorry, I meant to tell you, but I forgot.

SPEAKER_06 39:11

We have full-blown AIDS at this desk pod.

SPEAKER_03 39:15

And the uh the last scene of it is just Pam biting the train track, and then you see the trade crumb, and it just oblaterates her skull, and then the office theme songs just starts playing.

SPEAKER_06 39:27

It's beautiful. I just think that Why do you why tell me that wouldn't be the biggest? It's Jim and the confessional. He's sitting there, he's like, Well, why did you think that I was doing all the me and Dwight would do all these practical jokes on each other? Why do you think I filled his desk with jello that one time?

SPEAKER_03 39:43

Do you really think we were playing golf this whole time?

SPEAKER_06 39:45

You thought that we were friends that pranked each other like this? That's our love language.

SPEAKER_03 39:49

Do you really think we had this much tea time?

SPEAKER_06 39:51

And then he like slowly pans to the camera and he's like, This is real. Yeah, he does the John Krasinski.

SPEAKER_03 39:57

Yeah, he pants to the camera, he's like, does the eye opening like you guys I know?

SPEAKER_06 40:04

We have a camera crew.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

Oh god, dude. Yeah, man. Uh that was a good show. That was a good show. Uh I like Toby. Toby, yeah. Just a guy that nobody hates. I like a guy that everyone hates.

SPEAKER_06 40:22

Yeah, I like a guy that sucks. There's something about that that I like. Like a punching bag. It's too cool, it's too mainstream to go, I like Michael Scott.

SPEAKER_03 40:33

Yeah, I like Michael Scott. He's very quirky the way he is. I haven't watched anything in forever. Really like at all? Like shows, TVs, or shows.

SPEAKER_06 40:48

Nothing.

SPEAKER_03 40:48

Nothing. No movies or anything?

SPEAKER_06 40:50

Other than I saw that movie. Um, no. The last like movie I tried to watch at home was the first Dune. Probably like four.

SPEAKER_03 40:58

I was gonna say Renfield? Was the last movie you saw?

SPEAKER_06 41:01

Before, yeah, in the theater. Oh no, I saw Hereditary in the theater. With fellow with guest of podcast. Oh, recently. Oh, okay. That was life changing. Yeah, okay, okay. IMAX director, or maybe not IMAX, but was director's cut. It was fucking sick. That's one of the coolest movies ever.

SPEAKER_03 41:19

It was a really good movie. I haven't seen it in such a long time.

SPEAKER_06 41:22

But movies like that ruins movies for me because I'm like, this is what this can be.

SPEAKER_03 41:26

It's like heroin. It's like drugs.

SPEAKER_06 41:28

It's like unbelievable.

SPEAKER_03 41:29

You try the best of it, and then you're like, oh well, everything else sucks, so why would I do anything else? And then your whole life is ruined.

SPEAKER_06 41:35

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 41:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 41:36

So good.

SPEAKER_03 41:37

You're better off just weaning, you're building your way back up to it, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 41:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:41

It's tough. Uh I knew I had more bits than this, bro. This is fucking tough, dude.

SPEAKER_06 41:50

This one is this is like how rappers give mixtapes out for the real fans. This is our mixtape.

SPEAKER_03 41:57

Um, I had this idea the other day. I was thinking, uh, you know, Hostess, right? You know, the cupcake company or whatever. I was thinking hostess should like create like as like a marketing campaign, they should create like a character for their company that's like, I don't know, like a lion or something, right? He's like, it could be anything, but like fuck it, say it's a lion. But he's like a horny lion, right? And like the concept that they market it as is like he's the one that puts the cream and all the Twinkies and ho-hos.

SPEAKER_06 42:28

So every time you eat one, the whole idea is like I like to- I don't I don't know why it had to be a lion, but I like that.

SPEAKER_03 42:38

I just lion'd think it'd be anything, dude.

SPEAKER_06 42:42

You're a penguin man. I think it should be a penguin.

SPEAKER_03 42:45

Do penguins come?

SPEAKER_06 42:46

Do penguins come? I bet I think they do. I'd like to think they do.

SPEAKER_03 42:51

They seem to have limited mobility. It seems like it'd be hard for them to fuck, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 42:55

I feel like they'd be one of the funniest animals to watch fuck.

SPEAKER_03 42:57

It'd be very stiff. It'd be like turtles are played out. It'd be like midgets fucking, you know, very stiff.

SPEAKER_06 43:02

Yeah. Yeah. Where I wonder where their penis is. I wonder where a penguin's penis is. If they like have to like lay on their back. If they have to like, yeah, like it just drags in the snow all day, and they just have to like lay on their back and like shuffle their arms back in the side.

SPEAKER_03 43:17

If their dick drags in the sm in the snow all day, I imagine how small it must get.

SPEAKER_06 43:21

I fucking wish I was just an animal, dude.

SPEAKER_03 43:24

Sometimes I do. It seems like a much simpler life.

SPEAKER_06 43:26

If I was just strutting around as koala bear chlamydia, that would rock. That would be dope. That would fucking rock, dude.

SPEAKER_04 43:35

Ugh.

SPEAKER_06 43:36

Fuck, dude. Sorry guys, I'm watching the football and the fucking bears just muffed a punt. Oh, you're good, bro. After I just put it. I said it. I said it. Another year of disappointment. Why am I excited?

SPEAKER_03 43:54

I don't know why you fucking preseason.

SPEAKER_06 43:56

Why am I doing that?

SPEAKER_03 43:57

You put your money on something you know is gonna disappoint you.

SPEAKER_06 44:00

It's supposed to be different this year. I'm trying to be hopeful.

SPEAKER_03 44:02

Isn't that what they say every year?

SPEAKER_06 44:04

Isn't that Oh, I knew it wasn't different.

SPEAKER_03 44:05

Isn't that how manipulation works?

SPEAKER_06 44:07

No. No, they try to say it, but I don't always drink the Kool-Aid. I'm drinking the Kool-Aid. I believe in them.

SPEAKER_03 44:14

Yeah, well, that's kind of exactly how manipulation works.

SPEAKER_06 44:18

They don't get me every year, I'm saying. They don't catch me every year.

SPEAKER_03 44:20

Well, that's not that's how they keep you interested. That's how they keep you interested.

SPEAKER_06 44:24

If I'm a fish, I'm not biting every hook.

SPEAKER_03 44:26

Dude.

SPEAKER_06 44:26

It's just the juiciest hook I'm gonna bite.

SPEAKER_03 44:30

I yeah, but then like, I don't know, man. What the fuck am I even talking about, bro? I hate myself. I wanna die. Me too. Um, I think I write all these bits down thinking that they're decent, and then I'm live on air, and I look at them, I'm like, these are all horrible.

SPEAKER_06 44:50

Like, wait, who wrote these?

SPEAKER_03 44:52

Oh, I did want to tell this one. I don't even know if you're gonna think this is funny, but I literally spent like 45 minutes at work giggling about this the other day. Like, think about a gay guy you know, right? Like any gay guy you know. Okay, thinking about you. Okay, thanks, man. Got him.

SPEAKER_06 45:12

Classic bitch.

SPEAKER_03 45:13

But no, like, there's this gay guy I work with, and I was thinking about this. Like, what if like one day he flamed he uh pulled up to work with a car with flames painted on the paint interior on the exterior?

SPEAKER_06 45:26

Yeah. He's the coolest gay guy ever now.

SPEAKER_03 45:30

Do you get it?

SPEAKER_06 45:31

Oh, yeah. I get it. I do get it.

SPEAKER_03 45:38

Just like just like how long did that take you? I like it. I imagine like war pigs playing, and like he pulls up with like a hot rod with flames on it, just sunglasses.

SPEAKER_06 45:55

Keep giving me these classic rock references. I will bang these songs out for you. This is my lane right here. I'm a construction worker, it's all I know. I don't even like it. It's just what we play. It's the soundtrack of our horrible day.

SPEAKER_03 46:11

I thought that was pretty funny.

SPEAKER_06 46:13

Dude, we I had I threw on like a 2000s playlist today on our speaker, and Crazy in Love was playing. Beyonce Jay-Z classic early 2000s.

SPEAKER_00 46:27

Uh.

SPEAKER_06 46:28

And this fucking this this dude who rocks walks by and he's like, You guys are you guys in this new fucking music, man. I don't get this shit. We're like, it's fucking almost as old as me. It's like this isn't even new, man. Like, I get the gripe, but it's wrong. Sorry it's not a song you've heard seven million fucking dynes. Whatever.

SPEAKER_03 46:50

It's a song because it's better in my head. It's a song that you saw on TikTok because it's been in a play.

SPEAKER_06 46:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:57

Like fucking. Have you have you heard do you know anything about Hamilton?

SPEAKER_06 47:00

Have you heard about Hamilton. You know the gist of it. I get the gist, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:05

Well, here's the thing. I was thinking like Ham like the generation today is gonna see Hamilton now, and they're gonna grow up thinking that Alexander Hamilton was actually black. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 47:17

Dead.

SPEAKER_03 47:18

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 47:22

Is he on is he on money?

SPEAKER_03 47:24

I have no idea. I thought about this for one day a couple months ago, I think, but I'm gonna dive back into it.

SPEAKER_06 47:30

But uh Too bad I'm broke and I have ones and fives. Ones and fives. I know it's G-Dub and Abe on those. I feel like he'd be a tough one. But I guess that's like the thing twenty.

SPEAKER_03 47:41

But I guess that's like I don't know, maybe I got this wrong, but I guess I think that's one of the things is like it's like about Alexander Hamilton, but they got like a black eye to play it.

SPEAKER_06 47:52

I think if I Two guys talking to Hamilton that have never seen it. This is awesome.

SPEAKER_03 47:56

If it's wrong, it's for the bit, but it doesn't matter. But like, I was thinking like people like kids are gonna watch that and think, like, you know, Alexander Hamilton was actually black, you know, and then they're gonna be thinking about our black forefathers, you know what I mean? Oh yeah. And then they should. Yeah. And then uh they're they're really gonna be fucking, you know, take it aback once they realize what like what really happened, bro.

SPEAKER_06 48:19

Wait. We're just hit winners write the history books.

SPEAKER_03 48:22

They're gonna be like, wait, we once owned our own people?

SPEAKER_06 48:25

Yeah.

unknown 48:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 48:27

That's all gonna go away. They're gonna stop teaching that and they're like gonna completely brainwash us and like not even teach us our own history, which you need to know because you learn from it. They're gonna erase all seriously, I think they're gonna erase all the bad things within like 300 years if we're still around because the government manipulates us. Go ma go mama life.

SPEAKER_03 48:47

Why would we enslave our own people? Like, why why wouldn't why wouldn't we have stopped them sooner? You know?

SPEAKER_06 48:52

Yeah. Don't get me going a government kick right now, dude.

SPEAKER_03 48:58

Oh god, bro.

SPEAKER_06 48:59

First of all, I don't give a fuck.

SPEAKER_03 49:02

Should I just go through my garbage bits? Because that's basically all I have left, bro.

SPEAKER_06 49:06

Let's try and save this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:11

Uh, okay, so uh I got Indian guy wants sausage instead of bacon because he doesn't want pork, but he doesn't realize that they're the same thing.

unknown 49:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 49:26

Next time just do the character.

SPEAKER_03 49:27

You're probably right. I realize that afterwards. You're right. I realize that afterwards. It's okay. Uh but like do I move on or do I plow through it? I don't know what to do. Okay, it's fuck it. I'm moving on. Oh.

SPEAKER_06 49:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 49:47

Oh, well, what do you want me to? What do you want me to do? You didn't tell me.

SPEAKER_06 49:51

I rewind it so you could do the game.

SPEAKER_03 49:53

Oh, you rewind it? I didn't know.

SPEAKER_06 49:54

That was a rewind.

SPEAKER_03 49:55

Oh, I didn't know that. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 49:57

Did you guys hear my address 20 minutes ago? That's my new question. Because if you did, we've got problems, Noah.

SPEAKER_03 50:08

Um I don't even fucking remember, bro, what I was doing. It wasn't even that good of a bit. I know it wasn't that good of a bit. So I'm gonna abandon it. I don't care. Uh we got 10 minutes to fill, guys.

SPEAKER_05 50:23

Isn't anything a good bit anymore, man? What are we doing anymore? Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 50:28

Okay. Alright. Um, how about this? How about um a mini golf game where the first hole is um your mom? Right? Okay. Okay. And she's spread eagle, and you gotta you gotta get the ball in her pussy. I'm sorry. I I'm sorry for the visual. I I know it's in your head, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_06 50:49

I'm thinking about your mom. Okay, you know, I've never seen it.

SPEAKER_03 50:52

Whatever gets you through it, okay? Whatever gets you through it.

SPEAKER_06 50:55

Who I've never seen.

SPEAKER_03 50:56

So and and the second hole is um uh Trayvon Martin's head. Wow.

SPEAKER_06 51:06

Wow. They dug him up.

SPEAKER_03 51:08

Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_06 51:09

Horrible hang. Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_03 51:12

Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_06 51:13

You could have there's so many different paths you could have gone. You could have gone with his open bag of Skittles. You could have gone with like they cut a hole in the top of his Arizona iced tea that he was walking around with.

SPEAKER_03 51:24

I didn't know anything about that.

SPEAKER_06 51:27

But instead, you plowed right through it and said, Gimme skull! Not mouth, not hood of hoodie. Gimme a skull.

SPEAKER_03 51:40

Oh god, alright. Oh, dude. Uh, alright, let's try let's try this one.

SPEAKER_05 51:49

Just keep swimming.

SPEAKER_03 51:50

Just keep swimming, okay. Instead of uh instead of uh instead of game stop okay, it's uh wait guys, wait. Instead of GameStop instead of GameStop, it's I came. Stop.

SPEAKER_06 52:09

No, it doesn't work because nobody's ever like, alright, I came done.

SPEAKER_03 52:14

It's a rape joke.

SPEAKER_06 52:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 52:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 52:21

Coming from rape.

SPEAKER_03 52:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 52:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:26

I mean, you know what this podcast is, man. I know what the podcast is. Listen, bro, I waited till the end of the episode to hit you with um. I what do you want me to do? My glasses are fogging up, I'm getting so hot. What do you want me to fucking do, man? Okay. I don't choose to fucking think this way, okay? I come up with shit, I think it's funny, I write it down, I fucking, you know, okay, don't fucking come at me. You know?

SPEAKER_04 52:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:47

I thought it was funny. Hey, yeah. For a brief fucking, you know what? Yeah, for a brief, yeah. I'm with you. It doesn't sound like you are, man. I'm sitting here with you, so I'm with you. I'm sure I've told worse than that, right?

SPEAKER_06 53:04

Definitely. Okay. Definitely. No. I was just doing like bit doesn't work, but it's actually a rape thing. Which I should have just known. I should have just known at this point. I mean, yeah, I mean At this point in the episode I should have just known. It's my bad.

SPEAKER_03 53:20

It's okay. Oh god, this is tough. This is like fucking bombing in front of two people, dude. Yeah. This is exactly what it's like.

SPEAKER_06 53:33

Um Does this one come out?

SPEAKER_03 53:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 53:38

Yeah? Okay. Is that cool? Yeah, I don't care.

SPEAKER_03 53:41

Alright. I mean, it sucks, but I mean shit.

SPEAKER_06 53:45

As long as you guys didn't hear my address, I don't care.

SPEAKER_03 53:48

I swear on my life, I'm gonna leave it out.

SPEAKER_06 53:51

Fair. Uh knowing it from memory though. Impressive. Creepy.

SPEAKER_03 53:59

I had to go back into Snapchat.

SPEAKER_06 54:01

Damn. You should have just been like, yeah, I like you, dude.

SPEAKER_03 54:06

Is that better though?

SPEAKER_00 54:07

Worse. That's that definitely worse.

SPEAKER_03 54:09

Yeah. Um, okay.

unknown 54:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 54:18

Alright. So Alright, Derek Chauvin turned off his body cam when he was arresting George Floyd. Do you remember that right?

SPEAKER_06 54:26

I how could I forget?

SPEAKER_03 54:27

Well, that was one of the details, right?

SPEAKER_06 54:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 54:29

So uh I guess you could say that George was off air.

SPEAKER_06 54:36

You could say that.

SPEAKER_03 54:40

I know you're nervous, but you know it's a good thing. I'm not nervous. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_06 54:48

It's just the lead-in and the silence. The silence is.

SPEAKER_03 54:53

I like to build tension, Andy.

SPEAKER_06 54:54

You do. I like to build tension. Boy, do you build it?

SPEAKER_03 54:57

Yes, I do. I know what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_06 55:02

Boy, you do.

SPEAKER_03 55:03

Oh, dude, this is off air. Fuck man. I got like a few more, bro. I tried this one on stage one time, and I don't know if it didn't really work, but I've never told it since. So I guess I'll try this one. Um, I remember one time I was uh I was like drunk as fuck, right?

SPEAKER_05 55:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 55:23

And I went to go take a shit, right? And you go to wipe, right? But here's the thing. I was wearing like an extra long t-shirt, so like when I went to wipe, I accidentally pressed the bottom of the t-shirt into my asshole.

SPEAKER_06 55:37

Yeah. I don't know if I have done it, but I've been very close if I haven't.

SPEAKER_03 55:45

Close, okay.

SPEAKER_06 55:45

Because like when I was a so okay, here we go. Here we go. Into the only child that didn't like ever go to a sleepover thing. Let's go into my bag a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 55:53

Recurring themes.

SPEAKER_06 55:54

I was raised by my mother. My dad lived with us, but I was raised by my mother. Yes. I would wear Shout out, Dad. I would sleep in an oversized t-shirt.

SPEAKER_03 56:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 56:05

As a young boy. Which I look back on and frown at because I should have just had shorts on. Because dude should not just have a shirt on and be like a slutty little girl with my long t-shirt on. When you're 12 years old getting erections at the time, when I'm waking up with Morningwood and pitching a tent in a fucking oversized t-shirt that my mom got for free somewhere. Yeah, no, I shouldn't do that. Honey, he's got an erection! I would say I probably cut it. Honey! He has such a small erection again. That's not my son. Um but I pr I don't know when I cut it off. I'd like to think I cut it off around 10. Uh-huh. Feels like the end of acceptable. Uh-huh. But okay, here's another thing. I also would have a dream I a recurring dream that I would have as a youth, is I would go to school and I would forget to have my pants on. I would just go to school in my fucking 90, as I called it. Okay. Because I was a gay little boy.

SPEAKER_04 57:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 57:04

And all I would do at school was be embarrassed and just pull my f t-shirt down, dude. It's very sad. I wonder what that means.

SPEAKER_03 57:10

I don't know, dude.

SPEAKER_06 57:11

I was told it means I have a small penis, and I was like, well, you know, whatever. We knew that already.

SPEAKER_03 57:15

Yeah, I mean I feel like it's better to just go through life like just assuming you have a small penis. And then if you don't, and then you find out you don't, it's like a bonus. It's just fun to say. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_06 57:28

Under promise over to live.

SPEAKER_03 57:30

Alright. Yeah. Um I guess. I'll save the rest of these for next week. I'm with one more. You know the movie Big Fat Liar? Big Fat Liar. It's an older movie. I think I at least I could see. I think it was like a Disney movie or something, right? It was like, you know, the the the the uh the principal's like a dick or whatever, so the kids get together and like plot a uh prank against him, so they put blue dye in his shower head, and now he's dyed blue. Okay. Yeah, I get to ring a bell.

SPEAKER_06 58:03

Doesn't ring any bells. Doesn't ring any bells. Never a Disney man.

SPEAKER_03 58:06

I was never a Disneyman too. I was just cultured when I was younger.

SPEAKER_06 58:10

Yeah. No, I wasn't. I wasn't. Like no shame in not knowing a fucking thing.

SPEAKER_03 58:16

I mean, it's it's a whatever movie, it doesn't really matter. Okay. But basically.

SPEAKER_06 58:19

I get the I feel like I've seen the movie already, though. By you just giving me Disney. Yeah. Yeah, gotcha.

SPEAKER_03 58:25

I don't mean to overplay it.

SPEAKER_06 58:26

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_03 58:28

But what if instead of blue dye it was black dye and now he has to live with blackface?

SPEAKER_06 58:33

Way better movie. Yeah, way better movie movie. Way better movie. Way better movies. Doesn't hold up. It's a deleted Disney movie now.

SPEAKER_03 58:40

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 58:41

It's Steamboat Willie of 1998. Uh-huh. Like, then it's fucking like, alright, well, would you remember that one?

SPEAKER_03 58:48

And then like, like, it hilarity ensues after that. Of course, Hilarity is so. You can do a whole movie. You can maybe make a sequel out of that, bro. Was it a musical at all? No, I don't think it was.

SPEAKER_05 58:59

Okay, that makes it better.

SPEAKER_03 59:01

I mean, if you wanted to, you can make that.

SPEAKER_06 59:03

Do people ask you, have you like seen Hannah Montana?

SPEAKER_03 59:07

No.

SPEAKER_06 59:07

Does this ever like do do you work at you work at a place with tons of women? No, no one really ever asked me that. Missed it. Never s never seen high school musical. No, I'm a dude. No, I've seen that. I didn't have a sister. Like, why would I see like why?

SPEAKER_01 59:22

I just look at it and I go, why would I see that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 59:27

I don't know. I've I've seen a couple Disney shows.

SPEAKER_01 59:30

Use your brain, sweetheart. Why would I have seen that? I was trying to watch R-rated comedy. For you asking me stupid questions. For you asking me stupid fucking questions like that. Remember when Sebastian would come on the podcast. We haven't done Sebastian in a while, dude.

SPEAKER_03 59:52

Dude, actually, now that you mention it, now that you mention it, I was actually I he released a special like two years ago. And uh I was just scrolling on uh Netflix or whatever, and I just was like curious. I checked it out. And I noticed like he was kind of like you could tell like he's gotten older. Like he used to be like and he a lot of his big thing was like he's super like physical comedy, goofy, whatever. And he's still Yeah. Yeah, yeah, and I mean he's still like that, but now he's like older and he's like he's got like grey hair now and he's more cynical. Okay. And it it was kind of like crazy because he gets on stage and he's like, you know, when you're trying to just fucking watch TV and your fucking wife is just talking, bitching and fucking Yammerin' away about old nose. Talking away, you know, you know, I went to one of these fucking bagel shops the other day, and you know, the cashier, he her, I'm not really sure, but you know, it was one of those wow.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:51

Yeah. He's taking risks.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:52

Yeah, now now he's getting the trans people.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:54

He's going red pill, bro. He's going red pill. Now that's like cool to do now.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:59

It kind of is. Especially if you're like because it's not popular when you were younger and are now getting old. I feel like that's like the move. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:08

Is to keep him on edge.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:09

Which honestly, I mean, there's plenty something you can't say. Which I'm not defending like our generation. There's more than enough to shit on. But like, you know. I don't know. I feel like it is kind of, you know, what everyone's doing, you know.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:24

Yeah. Now it's like cool to be.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:27

You know, I was staying at a hotel.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:30

I feel like Gillis kind of has ushered that in.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:32

Kind of.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:33

Where he was like, I don't know if that's just like the first hit I saw, but it felt like he was the first big one that blew up and people are like, well, this is just funny, and not like, fuck this guy.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:43

Well, because he has a little mix of like both. Like he has like just general cultural understanding of like other like you know, in general. He's like Philly, but he's not so Philly that he doesn't have awareness of like other different kinds of people. He's other he's able to cater to like everyone a little bit. You know what I mean? Definitely, but yeah. I don't know. I I see a lot of like these older comedians just going fucking not I don't want to say red pill, it's not red pill, but they're just getting the whole act, you know. I went to the fucking I went to the 7-Eleven the other day, you know, and I saw one of these fucking black guys trying to buy a There was an Indian guy in there.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:22

There was a that wanted to get sausage instead of bacon on a sandwich. But he didn't know the difference that there is no diff.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:33

I saw an Indian guy there the other day and he was asking the ha the the cashier, he says, Do you have any head and shoulderness? And I said, That's real fucking funny. He's like, Do you have any souve? And I was like, uh, okay. I think it's time to end this fucking podcast.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:53

Alright, guys.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:54

Alright, man. I'm sorry. If you listen to this, thank you.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:57

You're real as hell. Sorry.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:00

If you kill if we kill ourselves, you know why.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:02

You get it.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:03

Alright.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:04

Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:05

Maybe it'll be better next time.