Episode 9 - Willy Wanka & The Bullocks Factory

the new wonka movie, die hard, and our new black market resale scheme

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Oopa loopa dooba de doo I smell like cum and pee pee and poo. Oopa loopa poo-poo and pee. Sucking off guys is a pleasure for me.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

What do you get when you guzzle down cum?

SPEAKER_04 0:23

Straight from the tap, spit it back in his bum.

SPEAKER_03 0:27

He fucked my ass, but his cap was too fat.

SPEAKER_04 0:30

Took a look back and he was black.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

I don't like the look of that oop.

SPEAKER_09 0:39

That was beautiful. I love it. That is definitely the best intro we'll probably ever do on this podcast. So I hope you guys appreciate that. The writing genius. The writing that went into that, dude. You have no idea. You have no idea.

SPEAKER_05 0:53

This is what this is why he gets paid the big bucks here to write this podcast.

SPEAKER_09 0:56

I am in so much debt right now. I've got getting paid a fucking penny for any of this shit, bro. It's for the love of the game. It's for the love of the game. We're professionals. Alright. Horrible hang. How you doing, man? Horrible hang, dude. Welcome to the show, everyone. So what is this, episode nine now? Live from the armpit. Live from the armpit.

SPEAKER_05 1:18

Which I'm not, your room doesn't smell bad.

SPEAKER_09 1:20

Which I'm impressed by.

SPEAKER_05 1:21

I'm trying to smell like an armpit.

SPEAKER_09 1:23

Good. I'm trying. I'm trying to keep the whole place from you know smelling like shit. I asked my mom to get me one of those like plug-in wall fucking smell like ocean breeze things.

SPEAKER_05 1:32

Oh yeah. You know. Dude, we got one at we got one at the house that like is a thing that you just like put on like the coffee table or whatever, and it just shoots out the air.

SPEAKER_09 1:42

What do you mean it just shoots out the air?

SPEAKER_05 1:43

Well, it it's like you buy like this tin that it comes in and it releases like kind of a burst of air. It just busts. Of like a mist. Yeah. Every like and you set well, you set a timer on the thing, and it's like 27, 36, 45 minutes. Okay. And like twice a day, it'll scare the fuck out of the kids. No, actually, no, I think I know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_06 2:03

You're like, dude, because no, they had that thing.

SPEAKER_05 2:07

You used to scare the shit out of me when I lived on my own.

SPEAKER_09 2:10

Dude, they had that shit in the CG's Comedy Club bathroom. Oh my god. They had that shit in the bathroom. I remember I'd be working there taking a piss and like being fucking jump.

SPEAKER_05 2:18

Dude, if you're if you stumbled in there drunk and you're just taking a leak by yourself, it'd be fucking terrifying if that thing went off.

SPEAKER_09 2:25

Yeah, I bet. Or maybe if you're fucked up, you just don't react to shit like that.

SPEAKER_05 2:29

Maybe it's because you're I'd turn around and be ninja and my cock would be hanging out swinging around the room, dude. And that it's not like a proud hang either. It'd be like really mega embarrassing. If the fellows were around.

SPEAKER_09 2:45

Yeah, but well, it's a bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Small cock.

SPEAKER_09 2:49

Small cock. We did that whole intro in uh in light of the new Wonka movie that's out. Which I didn't see it. We were actually thinking about going to Wonka movie? There is a new Wonka movie. Is that Timmy Chalamet? Timmy Timothy Chalamet, right?

SPEAKER_05 3:03

Yeah. Is he British? Timmy Shales. I don't know. He looks like he's British.

SPEAKER_09 3:09

I feel like the whole kind of idea, like the original story, like it wasn't it like kind of British? Or am I just thinking of people that had accents in the movie?

SPEAKER_05 3:17

Is this like the Bernstein Bernstein Bears? It could, it could be. Like I I I also remember it as British.

SPEAKER_09 3:24

But they should have been like it'd be funny if they were like extra British. Like, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. They should have had more accents in there.

SPEAKER_05 3:30

I I believe that that's that's how I picture it.

SPEAKER_09 3:32

If you stick a long enough finger at my ass, a dumb ball should pop out.

SPEAKER_05 3:37

Is it because we just think Willie Mark is gay, so he's gotta be British.

SPEAKER_06 3:41

It might get stuck in me, gooch.

SPEAKER_08 3:43

It's a bit airy, isn't it?

SPEAKER_05 3:45

All them British dudes are gay. I got one right here.

SPEAKER_09 3:50

Oh, that's such a fun voice to do, though.

SPEAKER_05 3:52

It is.

SPEAKER_09 3:53

I mean anything you do it honestly.

SPEAKER_05 3:55

I mean, we had you know Russell Brandon here last week. He did it for like an hour straight.

SPEAKER_09 3:58

Yeah, dude. Some people are just built like that. Some people are born and they just do that their whole lives. Their whole life is a bit. Everything they say is a bit. That's yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:09

Those are some people that are like that, Kyle.

SPEAKER_09 4:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 4:13

Did you have a bit you want to start off with?

SPEAKER_05 4:15

Uh well I wanted I what do you what do we think about like a grandma saying, yeah, around children? I'm gonna tell you the story about the Grinch down my virginity.

SPEAKER_07 4:30

I'm gonna tell you about Christmas in 79. When he came up to me, his cock grew six sizes and broke out of his chest.

SPEAKER_09 4:41

Let me tell you something. After the war was over, there was no such thing as a whore. Everybody was just fucking the first dick they saw. The Grinch came down the mountain to shoot a load on my face. It was the mall Grinch. It was the Grinch at the mall. He didn't take the mask off.

SPEAKER_05 5:00

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_07 5:01

I was a bit itchy after that, but didn't think much of it. I thought any sort of cream should fix it. I've got danger cream right here.

SPEAKER_09 5:12

I'm still on the same cream. They they're right. You know, once you get it once, it never goes away.

SPEAKER_07 5:22

Children. Children. It's my dying wish. It's my dying wish. Is the fucker dude in a grinch outfit? Aged on my jacket.

SPEAKER_10 5:34

Those kids vomit dried all in the fur of the suit.

SPEAKER_07 5:39

They haven't washed it since 2014. Dindy Lou Who blew the Grinch.

SPEAKER_09 5:51

Maybe that's why they look like that. All the uh the Lou Hoo girls, their noise are pointed up so that it doesn't get in the way when they're something dead.

SPEAKER_05 6:00

It creates like an upper gooch rub.

SPEAKER_09 6:02

Yeah. Oh man, 69 sucking, and you're getting your Yeah, it's like you know the rabbit has the little finger that goes up to touch the clit. It's kind of like that.

unknown 6:11

What?

SPEAKER_09 6:11

The rabbit? Is it the rabbit? You know, you the vibrators that have the little finger on it? No, I'm not familiar with the names of the vibrators. It's not the name, it's you've seen the shape of it.

SPEAKER_05 6:23

Oh no, I've heard of the lucky rabbit's foot. The lucky rabbit's foot? You never seen that at the book fair? Like that, like what it was. So like a green rabbit foot and then be like, good luck. At the book fair? Yeah. At the fucking book fair? I went to Catholic school, bro.

SPEAKER_09 6:38

That shit was different. I've heard of that in like fucking outside the US.

SPEAKER_05 6:43

Smenzels and lucky.

SPEAKER_09 6:45

Oh, I remember smansels. I remember Smansels.

SPEAKER_05 6:50

Oh, okay. I love European fart and smensels, those are my favorite.

SPEAKER_09 6:54

European. I remember when I was in high school, I tried to make my own scents. The Spencels? Yeah. More than the Spencer, you were. Well, I tried, I remember the one that I remember specifically. I tried to do like a cum one and I just soaked it in salt water. I was like, it's kind I guess it's salty.

SPEAKER_05 7:14

You were you're like a young musk, dude, just doing experiments.

SPEAKER_09 7:18

Dude, I I did the research.

SPEAKER_05 7:20

This is like this is genius. I did the research.

SPEAKER_09 7:26

I sold them too. I flipped them.

SPEAKER_05 7:28

Just for like Christmas, showing up with smensals that are covered in cum for your boy.

SPEAKER_09 7:32

Now, I didn't actually start covering them in cum until I started getting complaints that they didn't smell enough light cum. You know, I told them that I they're dipped in salt water. They said that's not enough. Like, what is that? That's just fucking salt water. That's not you really need to get the real essence of it. You need to get the musk in there. You know, it's missing the musk.

SPEAKER_05 7:50

The musk is really key to the scent.

SPEAKER_09 7:52

So we think I would just buy packs of them and you know wrap them in paper and just bust loads on them. Get a paintbrush, and you know.

SPEAKER_05 8:00

You can tell you I tr I can tell you treat this with like the serious of like seriousness of like a French winery. Yeah. This is really impressive information you have about calm.

SPEAKER_09 8:08

Well, you gotta let it age too. It's gotta let it age too, like wine.

unknown 8:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 8:12

It needs to age, it needs to dry out. You know, it's a whole thing. You gotta bake it in the oven.

SPEAKER_05 8:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 8:16

200 degrees. Any hotter, you'll you'll burn it.

SPEAKER_05 8:19

That's pretty much the same that they did kind of research they did for the um breast milk flavored vapes.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 8:25

Nice, Andy.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Stop here.

SPEAKER_09 8:28

Ah, fast forward. Fast forward. Uh, were you checking your fucking uh your bets? I was.

SPEAKER_05 8:36

I seen what I had today. What you got? Nothing's started yet. Chase Brown over 16.5 receiving yards.

SPEAKER_09 8:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:44

Um, Vanderbilt plus 17 and a half on a hot tip.

SPEAKER_09 8:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:48

Um probably gonna do something with a James Cook touchdown at some point. Okay, alright. I like that a lot. Alright. Um, yeah, this is brought to you by DraftKings.

SPEAKER_09 8:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 8:59

You know, I actually came up with my actually fuck DraftKings. They don't let me buy fuck that. They don't let me put I want too much, so they don't let me put a nine dollar wager on their app.

SPEAKER_09 9:07

Fuck DraftKings. Fuck DraftKings. You know, I actually uh I came up with my own gambling game a few days ago. Oh, really? So uh what you do is you go to uh any Midwestern, uh preferably suburban Walmart, right? So you go there, you're gonna do a lap around the whole store. If you see one or more retarded people, I gotta give you five dollars. But if I do a lap and I don't see any, you have to give me twenty-five.

SPEAKER_05 9:35

What do you think? That's I like I like okay, I like that you got a one to you got a five to one option already. Yeah, you got a quick money option, you're gonna sucker in a lot of people here. Yeah. If you're trying to open a book here, I think we gotta take this conversation off air.

SPEAKER_09 9:51

And if you if you could do it without seeing a Mexican family, you get$50.

SPEAKER_05 9:56

Jackpot.

SPEAKER_09 9:57

Jackpot.

SPEAKER_05 9:58

That's the big 200. 200, yeah. Depending on the area. I mean, obviously odds fluctuate from location to location. For sure, for sure. At least where i shop, it needs to be at least a plus 200 situation.

SPEAKER_11 10:10

They they run that shit, for sure.

SPEAKER_05 10:11

And if it's plus 200 and our normal unit's five, that means it's a thousand. So minimum. Dude, it is bro. You've got opportunities, is all I'm saying.

SPEAKER_09 10:26

Dude, I've ever since moving here, I've become a regular Walmart shopper. I used to be a Meyer baby, but now it's not Walmart. It's Walmart. Dude, my Walmart is so fucking easy to steal from. Yeah, it's disgusting. It's so fucking easy to steal from. Fucking, they wanted fucking like seven dollars a pack for command strips. Sorry about that. They wanted seven dollars a pack for command strips.

SPEAKER_05 10:49

What's a command strip?

SPEAKER_09 10:50

It's like the little it's what I used to put all the pictures up, the sticky fucking things. Six dollars a pack is ridiculous. So, also I needed a uh charger for the iPad, didn't really want to pay for that. I was already getting two towels.

SPEAKER_05 11:02

Didn't want to call your dad over to use a hammer.

SPEAKER_09 11:04

Didn't want to come through. So what you do, you stick them in the towels, nobody says shit. And usually when I'm doing this, by the way, I'm already buying like a hundred dollars worth of shit. So they're still profiting off of me before you come at me. Alright? So steady limitations. This is just a little discount, you know. This is a regular discount.

SPEAKER_05 11:23

It was on accident.

SPEAKER_09 11:24

Now, let me tell you something. The other day I had a bottle of Tito's, right? I'm at the self-checkout, I fucking dropped a Tito's, right?

SPEAKER_05 11:32

You dropped it?

SPEAKER_09 11:33

I dropped it. Now I had already put the towel with the stolen items past where it is. So I dropped it. I gotta call the help dude. The manager comes over, he puts a cone by here, and I say, Hey, do you mind if I just go run, grab another bottle? He's like, Yeah, sure, no problem. I run back, get the bottle, come back. He's not fucking there, which means I'm not paying for a second bottle. I just put it right back there. No one says fucking shit.

SPEAKER_05 11:56

Wow.

SPEAKER_09 11:57

That's with a manager there. That's how fucking easy it is to steal.

SPEAKER_05 12:01

The manager was like, All right, this guy seems like a stand-up dude. And granted, he's not gonna leave. Listen, this is and runs away. I mean, that's that's 101, brother. Yeah, I mean, but it's not like this is like a regular occurrence either. Hey, rookie, go grab another bottle. Yeah, you know, yeah, you know, it's that easy. So hey, Walmart, 150k a year, I'll manage your store. Honestly, dude, they will hire anyone, bro. I would do it for 150,000 a year. It's simple. Four benefits, 401k and pension. It's Walmart. You deserve a pension. You deserve a pension.

SPEAKER_09 12:38

I'll do it. This is Gail Lewis, Walmart Associate, 844, Morris, Illinois. Sounding out. Have you seen that? No. You've never seen the Gail Lewis shit? Dude, I gotta show you the Gail Lewis shit. Here, I'll play it on the fucking thing.

SPEAKER_04 12:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_09 12:55

It's like it's blowing up lately. It's just like this random woman. It was like her last day of uh working at Walmart. It was actually one that's like not far from here. What? I'm surprised. I'm shocked you never heard of this. Hold on.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Tenure associate, Mars Illinois, 844. Sign it out. Good night.

SPEAKER_09 13:27

I can't believe you were crying? I mean, everyone just fucking making fun.

SPEAKER_05 13:31

I'm 24.

SPEAKER_09 13:32

Everyone's just fucking making fun of it.

SPEAKER_05 13:37

She's now if that was her if that was her last hang up ever. Is that what that was?

SPEAKER_09 13:41

Yeah, that she was signing out of Walmart.

SPEAKER_05 13:44

Wow. Retiring. What a moment.

SPEAKER_09 13:46

What a moment, dude.

SPEAKER_05 13:47

Think about how good that's gotta feel. If you worked there for 10 years and you're just like, I'm not coming back to this fucking shit hole. I feel like the win. The rush that that lady must be in. The rush. I mean, that's total dread.

SPEAKER_09 14:02

That's total dread. I don't know. She was just like she had like a lot of videos of her just doing weird random shit. Fucking TikTok too. So obviously that fed into it. Nice.

SPEAKER_05 14:14

Nice dude. Did you see the guy, the the dude on Twitter that just he went to Target and like filmed himself shopping and everybody's fucking clowning him for that one? No. You didn't see it's just like this. It's like, do you know Jalen Hurts, the Eagles quarterback? Yeah. Like, it's just this like fucking yoked huge dude. Okay. And he like puts his jacket on, and everybody just put if Jalen Hurts wasn't playing football, this is what he's doing. And he's like, he this dude is going around Target setting cameras up of him like getting like live action shopping shots. Like setting up cameras? That's weird. Yes, like a shot and everything. That's what we was like, women. Yeah, yeah. Everybody should not this guy. It's so funny. Because that that feels like an old school internet throwback. It's like, come on, dude. Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? No. You're trying to get pussy. That's hard. It's disgusting. It's like that.

SPEAKER_09 15:13

It's like Quagmire putting cameras in like the women's bathroom toilets and shit.

SPEAKER_05 15:20

It's way different, I think, but he's doing it to be like a thirst trap. Who give me shopping? What the fuck, dude? Yeah, no. I don't know how I feel, but that's weird.

SPEAKER_09 15:30

That's fucking weird. That's fucking corny shit. There's so many fucking weird people, bro. It's been a while since uh I've been listening to a lot of fucking old shitty white rock lately. It's been a while.

SPEAKER_02 15:43

It's been a while.

SPEAKER_09 15:44

You ever heard that song? Some stained. Stained? I yeah, I know I've heard that song for sure. You know, it's actually it's about coming early. Do you know that? Really? It's been a while. And I just dropped a fat ass low. You hear the resonance, the new mics? Appreciate that, motherfuckers.

SPEAKER_05 16:08

That's awesome. That was really good. Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_09 16:16

It's been a while since I sucked. I don't big fat cock. Everyone wants the fat cock, dude. Everyone's asking for fat cock. Pepsi can cock. Pepsi cancock. You never see somebody asking for skinny cock, you know. I think it'd be kind of funny if they did. Like, you know, someone's like, you know, honestly, I just prefer the slim ones, you know. I want it to look like E.T.'s middle finger. It's long and slender.

SPEAKER_05 16:51

Purple pipe cleaner variety with veins. Shout out.

SPEAKER_09 16:57

I think we need to show more love to the skinny penis fellas out there.

SPEAKER_05 17:00

Skinny penis.

SPEAKER_09 17:02

You can hit the spots that the fat cock can't, dude.

SPEAKER_05 17:04

We had a buddy that we called skinny penis in high school. Yeah? I'll protect his name this time. Okay, alright. He would be salty as fuck.

SPEAKER_09 17:12

Is it who I'm guessing it is?

SPEAKER_05 17:14

Yeah, I think it is. Okay, okay. That's fucking great. Skinny penis is a tough name.

SPEAKER_09 17:23

Hey, it's your boy. Um skinny penis.

SPEAKER_05 17:28

What a douche, Chevel McPenis.

SPEAKER_09 17:30

What a douche.

SPEAKER_05 17:31

What a douche. What a dude. Fiat penis. What a fucking fiat penis. What a douche. All American Chevrolet penis. How many penises can you name? Because that's a different one.

SPEAKER_06 17:47

How many different? German Mercedes penis. There's different types, other categories. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:54

I'm saying I'm picturing totally different cocks on every one of these.

SPEAKER_09 17:57

Give me names, bro. You know how they like have classes of insects and plants? Give me classes of dick. Class? Oh. Class broken down into species or however that fucking thing works. Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Insects. Incest. Incest. Incest insects.

SPEAKER_05 18:18

Incest insects. That's a we already just got a drop. What's up, Diplo? Wanna use that pussy? Fuck Diplo, dude.

SPEAKER_09 18:29

Has your girl been making you watch a bunch of Christmas movies and shit lately?

SPEAKER_05 18:32

No, not really. Really? Yeah, we have pretty much I don't she's got more time. We're actually gonna watch them tonight.

SPEAKER_09 18:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 18:39

But with like fam.

SPEAKER_09 18:41

I mean, it's festivus now, so we're coming up close. Yeah. We're coming up close to the day.

SPEAKER_05 18:45

Season of grievance. Season of grievances. You know. I'm not a big uh which is Polar Have you ever seen the Polar Express? Long time ago. I it I mean it was okay, but it was never one of my favorite. Like So my mom loved it. And I was like, I was incredibly meh on Polar Express. Uh-huh. And the scene that really always used to drive me the most fucking nuts, and I got annoyed as shit a lot as a kid. I'm just an annoyed person. I've always been annoyed. It's really kind of my thing. The thing of annoying is when they would come out and go, hot, hot, ooh, the hot chocolate song that they would do, and Tom Hanks in the back would be Ooh, we got it. And they really just that ooooh we got it.

SPEAKER_09 19:33

Because weren't all the chefs. Weren't all the chefs in that scene black? I don't remember. Well, obviously, a white person wouldn't start a chant like that. Only black people have rhythm like that. Tom Hanks is the one that started. The only white people that want to start a dance chat or pedophiles, I feel like.

SPEAKER_05 19:54

Yeah, check the flight logs. Check the flight logs.

SPEAKER_09 19:56

Check the flight logs. Have you seen uh have you seen Jingle All the Way, that Schwarzenegger movie?

SPEAKER_04 20:01

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_09 20:02

You never heard of it? It's it's the one where he's trying to get like he's like a shitty dad or whatever, but his son really wants this like special toy that's like you know, it sells out immediately, so he's trying to get that toy for his son to like redeem himself.

SPEAKER_05 20:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_09 20:15

I think it'd be funny if they did like an Asian version of that, you know? Okay. Like an Asian fucking Schwarzenegger, like, I got to get the new TI-84!

SPEAKER_06 20:25

Like my son would disobey me and get the new TI-84. I haven't been a shitty father many times before.

SPEAKER_09 20:38

I will still not support him emotionally, however, I will buy him special gift during this special occasion.

SPEAKER_05 20:46

That's pretty good. Thank you. That's pretty good.

SPEAKER_09 20:48

I've been working on the Asian impression. I like it. I feel like Asian plus Schwarzenegger is kind of tough because it's two just such strong They're trying to do it at the same time. I like it. That's fucked. Oh, it it gets worse.

SPEAKER_06 21:06

It's getting it's getting worse. But uh Toyota penis. It's a Toyota penis. You get the job done every time. Not impressive. See, too. I bought you new abacus for your birthday. A chalkboard with the good chalk.

SPEAKER_11 21:25

With the good chalk. With the good the Japanese chalk.

SPEAKER_09 21:29

You ever heard of the Japanese chalk, the good stuff?

SPEAKER_05 21:32

No, I haven't.

SPEAKER_09 21:32

Need to watch more Business Insider, sounds to me.

SPEAKER_05 21:36

I'm not up on my stonks. You're not up on your stonks. Trying to really get in on Japanese chalk right this minute before everybody else finds out about it. And your pro tip stonk of the week from the horrible hang. How about this?

SPEAKER_07 21:53

Presented by hell yeah, brother. And then we're going to serve. And then I'm gonna I'm gonna fuck up Phil and April one more time with that alligator. And then we're gonna go surfing because it's a new life. I'm fucking rebounding.

SPEAKER_09 22:15

It's three o'clock in the morning. And we're gonna shit sh we're gonna shove B ranks up Phil's ass.

SPEAKER_06 22:23

Phil hacks him from the mouthhole. So let's see if he likes him from the beehole too. It's 3 a.m.

SPEAKER_09 22:32

and I just ate a whole fruit cake and I shit it out and extracted the leftover fruit from the fruitcake in my shit.

SPEAKER_06 22:40

Oh, come on. But we're gonna put it in May's brownies. Come on, bam, now we can't get a plumber out here until about 7:30 in the morning.

SPEAKER_09 22:50

Come on.

SPEAKER_06 22:51

Come on, come on, fam.

SPEAKER_09 22:52

You're gonna shit it all over.

SPEAKER_06 22:58

How many times I'm gonna dare you stop doing upper deckers in the house.

SPEAKER_09 23:04

Stop doing open upper deckers in the house, bam. Stop trying to quit throwing turds in the toilet bowl, bam.

SPEAKER_07 23:11

Stop trying to deflect your piss off the mirror and in your toilet, bam. You gotta fuck your 42. You gotta grow that.

SPEAKER_09 23:20

Stop with the golden showers every weekday, bam.

SPEAKER_07 23:23

Stop trying to shoot coming in. I see what I'm tired of getting up early for work to clean it all up every morning. It's fucking if your fucking mother found out about this, bam. I don't understand the shit you mean. And I've been hiding. I didn't you got more?

SPEAKER_11 23:46

No. Keep going.

unknown 23:51

Oh bam.

SPEAKER_07 23:52

Come on. Come on. Bam, I'm gonna have to cut your fucking penis off, bam. Bam, you gotta stop touching it all day. We live too close to the school.

SPEAKER_09 24:06

You gotta stop playing with my flaccid penis, Phil. Bam, you gotta stop playing my flaccid penis.

SPEAKER_06 24:13

Come on, bam, you gotta stop bleeding my cock alone at night, bam.

SPEAKER_07 24:17

Come on, it's you know it gets dirty and all but we're just hey okay.

SPEAKER_09 24:23

You leave fingerprints on it, it turns into a bacteria farm, bam.

SPEAKER_07 24:28

You don't understand it. We're coming up on touching cock today, and it's your cock's the winner. Where did this start from?

SPEAKER_09 24:40

I don't even fucking know. That was beautiful. I'm always down to do a jackass bit. Fuck yeah. Shout out the jackass boys. Fuck off.

SPEAKER_04 24:48

You wanna touch it? Yeah, I don't want to touch it. I gotta put my phone down.

SPEAKER_09 24:53

Damn, girl. If you were a slave, you'd be way better than a three out of five.

SPEAKER_05 25:02

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_11 25:04

Wait what do you think?

SPEAKER_05 25:06

That's like a classic I heard it in a bathroom joke. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's basically what this show is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 25:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_11 25:14

Pretty much.

SPEAKER_09 25:15

There's a lot of that. Ding ding ding. Ding ding ding. Twitter. I gotta be honest though, a lot of my friends lately have been getting black girlfriends lately.

SPEAKER_05 25:25

It's pretty nice. You know, I'm so much better than cracker bitches.

SPEAKER_09 25:30

I could see, like, you know, they've I'm on your ass, white women. Fuck you. I mean, I've been saying I've I think black people are like the apple of people. And that they're the future, and that's pretty soon, you know, everyone's gonna, you know.

SPEAKER_05 25:45

Uh on just percentage base, I yeah, way more. Black people are way better. And uh all my friends are way way cooler, just straight up.

SPEAKER_09 25:53

No, for sure. And uh all my friends, they said they've been happy with their purchases, you know. Wait, no one's purchasing them, no one's purchasing them, no one's purchasing them.

SPEAKER_05 26:01

I didn't say that. I thought we were friends.

SPEAKER_09 26:04

Ah damn it.

SPEAKER_05 26:05

I got them. Whoops. Love you, baby. But yeah, dude. I don't let him fuck with their name like that. Shout out Jimmy.

SPEAKER_09 26:18

Uh Jimmy, my man. Yeah, shout out Jimmy. There's a somebody else I knew that I don't I don't know. But yeah, have you seen any uh have you seen any new movies lately? Anything like that?

SPEAKER_05 26:29

Yeah, I watched uh like the first half of Interstellar.

SPEAKER_09 26:33

Interstellar, how was that? I heard that was supposed to be good.

SPEAKER_05 26:35

It was pretty good. Was it really pretty good, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 26:37

It's long as fuck, though, isn't it?

SPEAKER_05 26:39

Yeah, I fell asleep.

SPEAKER_09 26:40

Yeah, that's my problem with shit like that.

SPEAKER_05 26:44

Fucking rules. Okay, alright. Guy is fast as fuck. Love watching him run. What's he a baseball player? Best running back of all time.

SPEAKER_06 26:51

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_05 26:52

But he like just he walked away like at his peak. No, walked away like at his peak, like dope story. Really? Yeah. Okay. Just did not give a fuck about the fame at all, just wanted to play football.

SPEAKER_09 27:02

That's pretty dope, though. Really cool. There is something dope about that.

SPEAKER_05 27:06

Fucking uh Especially when he tells his own story.

SPEAKER_09 27:09

Yeah, when he narrates his own documentary.

SPEAKER_05 27:11

I can't, dude, the LeBron documentary is gonna be hilarious. Yeah. It's gonna be there's gonna be a 10-piece, just like Jordan had, there's gonna be a 10-piece documentary of LeBron sucking his own cock. And each documentary, since the Jordan one was like the last acceptable one. But this is fair. They criticize him a little bit, yeah, but everybody just accepted it. Like the Brady one was hilarious, just breaking his neck, sucking his own cock. And LeBron's will be five years down the road. Oh my god. Did they announce one? Or no, but he's gonna do it. He's gonna do it. Because it's it's a total race to be better than Jordan. And he don't he don't got it right now.

SPEAKER_09 27:46

Mm-mm. No. Well, Jordan kind of knew when to quit a little bit, too.

SPEAKER_05 27:51

Yeah, but he came back.

SPEAKER_09 27:52

He came back, but even then, like he didn't fucking like fucking. LeBron's really stretching it out.

SPEAKER_05 27:58

He's actually still pretty good. He's gonna play with his son. But his son sucks. He's not gonna make the league. Yeah. But somebody will waste a pick on it.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 28:07

To get him to play with him.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

I don't know.

SPEAKER_09 28:09

Fucking um have you seen uh me and uh Sports Minute. Me and uh Greg and uh Noah, we saw Die Hard in the theater the other day. They were showing it.

SPEAKER_05 28:18

Oh, is it a Christmas movie?

SPEAKER_09 28:20

It's not because there's not even any snow in it, and literally just one time they're like, oh yeah, it's Christmas. Really? That's literally it. There is no other mention or sign of Christmas outside of that.

SPEAKER_05 28:31

Oh, that's great. That they were just like, you know what? Let's get a weekend. Let's buy our own weekend and call this a Christmas movie. Have you seen it? No, I haven't. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_09 28:40

I've never seen it either until I saw this, but he was decent.

SPEAKER_01 28:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 28:44

Pretty funny, uh, pretty funny antagonist. His name is Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber. Yeah, he's got a weird voice. He's like, you know, I'm going to count to three. And when I do, you're going to suck me off. Please care of me. Please take care of Miss Gennaro. I cannot bust if there's a woman being defiant. Well, Hans, what if we make you what if we make her suck you off? That is disgusting. The very thought of women existing is making me soft. The power of women, more like power over women. Hans Gruba, right wing gay. I overpower women. I might be gay, but I'll kick a bitch in the throat. Quit being nervous, you fucking faggot and suck it.

SPEAKER_04 29:39

Call 1-800 kick-a-ho.

SPEAKER_09 29:45

And then he's like, Hans, we we uh we cracked into the mainframe and we got a hold of all the phones in the building and all the exits are blocked. What else can this system do? Can it suck me off? Can I have sex with it?

SPEAKER_04 29:59

May I insert my penis into the system?

SPEAKER_09 30:01

May I insert into my penis into the system it can suck me off as well.

SPEAKER_04 30:06

Surely it'll accept me in the company.

SPEAKER_09 30:09

Well then fucking get on it. Oh dude, I wish you could have seen it so we could have fucking riffed off it. Oh fuck. It's okay though. A decent movie though, if you got time. Alright, I'll check it out. Decent movie if you got time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:27

I had fun with it. I don't know if it's a diehard.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 30:30

I'm into it.

SPEAKER_05 30:31

I'll check it out.

SPEAKER_09 30:32

It was a great it was a good because it was like a 90s movie, so you still had like characters, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 30:37

Yeah, movies. I'm really not a movie guy because I feel like I've only seen like new movies.

SPEAKER_09 30:41

It's new movies have a lot of I feel like it's hard to do impressions of people. Well, unless it's like maybe a kid's movie, but it's like you really had characters back then, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 30:49

Yeah, really larger than life. Everybody seems so fucking bland.

SPEAKER_09 30:53

Everybody's movies now.

SPEAKER_05 30:55

There's no crazy wacky Kramer anymore. No, there's nothing like that. No.

SPEAKER_09 31:02

I gotta get the soundboard up. Fuck. Shit. Damn it. That's all right. It's somewhere here. Fuck the listeners. Fuck the listeners. Bro, this is not the right soundboard. God damn it. This is yeah, this is.

SPEAKER_05 31:15

Hurry up, Kyle.

SPEAKER_09 31:17

Yeah! Nope, that's not what I want. There we go. Dirty fucking I gotta hold it.

SPEAKER_01 31:25

I didn't know I had to hold it.

SPEAKER_05 31:27

You didn't remember.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

I didn't remember.

SPEAKER_05 31:29

The pressure got to him. That was a good experiment. I enjoyed watching you fold.

SPEAKER_09 31:35

We'll utilize that better next time, I promise. Possibly in this episode.

SPEAKER_05 31:41

We'll see. Yeah, you know how he gets, folks.

SPEAKER_09 31:45

And he wants no part of this.

SPEAKER_05 31:48

Once they start flying, they start docking your head in the room, they bounce off the walls.

SPEAKER_09 31:55

Bro, uh, do you see Creed is going back on tour? For real? Bro, my buddy, I've had it as a running drunk. That's food fighters, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Creed is a birth bottle. I see.

SPEAKER_05 32:13

There's some Creed's got some bangers, dude.

SPEAKER_09 32:15

I've always made it as a joke, because it's always been like a meme of how bad they are. I don't know if you've seen have you seen 22 Jump Street?

unknown 32:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 32:23

Remember when uh they both take like the drug or whatever it is, and Chatting Tatum's like in hell and fucking Creed is playing? Like it's always been a running thing that they're shitty, but like, and I've had it with my buddies at Hooters, and like they announced a tour and he's like, We should go. And I'm like, wait, no, I was kidding. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:40

Yeah, it's like fun almost now because it's been such a meme forever. You know the songs now.

SPEAKER_09 32:44

I guess yeah, I mean, I guess it works. Maybe they're maybe they know what they're doing.

SPEAKER_05 32:48

Yeah. Do you know that's like a is that there's that's like a Christian rock band?

SPEAKER_09 32:52

Yeah, I I didn't find that out tomorrow.

SPEAKER_05 32:54

I didn't find that out till recently. I was dumb as it was like Creed with arms wide open, should have known. No, you're like, I'm dumb as fuck.

SPEAKER_09 33:01

You know uh Rolling Stones is coming back too, I guess.

SPEAKER_05 33:04

How many times are they gonna this is like the fourth fucking time, dude?

SPEAKER_09 33:08

I'm concerned of how his frail body is gonna handle the vibrations of the speakers. He might just fucking explode, dude.

SPEAKER_05 33:16

McJagger, dude.

SPEAKER_09 33:18

How about how about instead of uh sympathy for the devil, it's sympathy for the pedo.

SPEAKER_05 33:24

That's what they should change it to if they go back and listen to some of their fucking songs. Okay, let me put it on. We did that all last week. Ow! It's fucking good, it's a good song.

SPEAKER_09 33:38

Oh, I know this song. Yeah, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_05 33:44

That's great. It's a fucking banger.

SPEAKER_02 33:46

She was probably very mature for age. Or maybe she is just a lime bitch.

SPEAKER_10 33:56

Maybe she was on the high end of 16. And 17 is legal in many states.

SPEAKER_09 34:05

Just someone trying to justify it.

SPEAKER_05 34:08

Who's England? Who's England? 16, right?

SPEAKER_09 34:12

Isn't it? Is it England 16?

SPEAKER_05 34:13

No, I have no idea. I think back then it's a 60s.

SPEAKER_09 34:16

That's maybe that's why all the people there are so ugly and have so many fucked up teeth.

SPEAKER_04 34:21

They're too young.

SPEAKER_06 34:22

Hello, do you get the gumball out of there? Hello. I'm Elliot Fucked for.

SPEAKER_11 34:32

I've got too many gumbo stuck in me, goochass!

SPEAKER_04 34:37

I've had a sour patch kid wedged in my upper lip for three years.

SPEAKER_09 34:43

If you take a if you miss the exit, you're gonna see the fudge factory, not the chocolate factory. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 34:52

Willy Wonka?

SPEAKER_09 34:53

Willy Wonka. I was bringing back the Willy Wonka theme.

SPEAKER_05 34:58

But that was a treat. That was a really good treat.

SPEAKER_09 35:04

I'm glad you like that.

SPEAKER_05 35:07

Fucking dude.

SPEAKER_09 35:09

So um, how about this? There's this um, there's this dude that started working at Hooters, right? And he like just like came, he like just moved in from like Egypt or some shit. What?

SPEAKER_00 35:21

That's cool as fuck.

SPEAKER_09 35:22

He like barely he like kind of speaks English, but he's like hard to understand and also just has no idea of like the customs and shit. Love it.

SPEAKER_05 35:29

I'm telling people he like You guys can really play with you can really fuck with that guy.

SPEAKER_09 35:34

He reminds me exactly of Borat. It's so funny. He's like weird with all the girls. He's just fucking like who like just argue with you and just like you like have to repeat things seven times to do it.

SPEAKER_05 35:49

I love this guy.

SPEAKER_09 35:50

I I don't I hate it's it's much funnier like hearing about him than actually having to work with.

SPEAKER_05 35:56

Hilarious in theory, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 35:57

Working with just have literally everybody argues with Anthony. Everybody is dude, fucking the the shift leader for the night the other day. We're like in the middle of what is they told the beach?

SPEAKER_05 36:08

What does they tell the beach? What is this sauce?

SPEAKER_09 36:11

He's like, no, dude. So let me tell you this real quick. Fucking um, we're in the middle of a like a huge rush the other day, right? Does not this we're in the middle of this huge rush, and there's like uh the uh the expo guy, he's like a shift leader or whatever. The dude decides in the middle of the rush to put marinara on his hand, and he goes up to the guy, he's like, Some, some, and to pretend like he cut his hand, which everyone believed it because literally the day before he actually did cut his hand.

SPEAKER_05 36:43

Oh my god, this guy's dude. Not I got my hand, not he was fucking bull at dude.

SPEAKER_09 36:54

He's literally bull at this guy, dude. But then here's the kicker though. So recently I was told that somebody people were finding uh pieces of shit on the employee toilet. Oh, and the back of the lid, right?

SPEAKER_05 37:09

No, you guys are wrong for this. And the back of the lid, right?

SPEAKER_11 37:12

You know, hooters, bro. Have some fucking respect.

SPEAKER_05 37:16

Holy shit, the back of the back of the seat had shit. So you're talking about a shotgun blast situation.

SPEAKER_09 37:22

Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, I've never missed a shit in my life.

SPEAKER_05 37:25

I've seen it before.

SPEAKER_09 37:26

How are you missing a shit? How are grown adults missing a shit?

SPEAKER_05 37:29

I've seen expl well, I was a janitor at a nuclear powerhouse. Okay. Back in the day. I did inside the plant, which thank God there's no bathrooms. But we had an adjacent crew that did outside of the plant for all the office workers. Okay. And, you know, and all the union boys are outside of the plant where they go take their dumps. Yeah, okay. I witnessed, hand of god, a shotgun blast on a wall. Why? Because it was one of those toilets that just has like the the metal pie the pipe in the middle that doesn't have like a full back. Oh, okay. That you'll shit in. I saw turn bad grandpa. What is it, bad grandpa? Yeah, bad grandma. Bad grandpa style. I saw that in real life. That's a real thing. Like, I guess you didn't make it. Well, that's making sense in the worst way.

SPEAKER_09 38:13

That makes sense, though. But that like actually brings me to my point. Was that what like how like if you're sitting on a toilet seat though, how are you making like I'm guessing it's the I'm guess my guess is I'm blaming it on the Egyptian guy, right?

SPEAKER_04 38:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_09 38:27

Because don't they like shit in holes there or whatever?

SPEAKER_05 38:32

I don't know if they still do. I'm sure they did at one point. Well, I'm guessing he's the most likely ones.

SPEAKER_09 38:37

I'm gonna go on on a limb and say he's the most likely to be used to shitting in a hole.

unknown 38:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_09 38:43

So I'm getting either that or he's just bending over and launching turns into the toilet in the Hooter's bathroom.

SPEAKER_04 38:51

I hope that's what it is.

SPEAKER_09 38:54

Just like popping him in there, getting an arc to it.

SPEAKER_05 38:59

Dicky Baby was like trying, he's like standing on the bowl and like trying to aim it into the literal hole.

SPEAKER_11 39:05

Yeah, maybe he's like germaphobic and doesn't want to do it, but then he just like overshoots it and just hits the back of the seat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 39:12

He like he like perched right before and it caused a chain reaction to shoot out the back. Oh my, yeah, I don't know, dude. Shit stories rule. Shit stories do rule. Also, the shit that you read inside of a port of potty is the funniest shit you'll ever read. Construction dudes got a lot of good opinions.

SPEAKER_09 39:34

Oh I want to do more of the fucking I want to do more of the the uh English voice. Like a Gordon Ramsay. She's fucking bloody hell. Fucking bloody hell.

SPEAKER_05 39:47

I can't believe you've done this. That's my favorite, one of my favorite vines I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_09 39:53

What if he's just like, oh, a black woman touched my food! Sir, she's a jaff. He's just throwing up beans everywhere.

SPEAKER_10 40:06

It's just Gordon Ramsey's fucking racist. You know he is.

SPEAKER_07 40:14

Get this stinking, no good, no bathing fucking out of my fucking kitchen.

SPEAKER_05 40:23

Then it cuts to commercial.

SPEAKER_01 40:25

Then it cuts to commercial.

SPEAKER_05 40:28

This episode of Hell's Kitchen is brought to you by Pepsi. There's no soap using dirty sandy.

SPEAKER_06 40:37

Jesus. Gordon! Gordon!

SPEAKER_09 40:40

Hey, calm down! You're gonna lose all your ad deals, Gordon. Listen, Gordon, I understand that you you're known for having an abrasive personality, but you're just you're going a little over the top there, buddy. You gotta tone it down a little bit. Simon Kyle steal my gig!

SPEAKER_06 40:56

Simon fucking coward, if you ask, bro. Simon Coward, if you ask me. I'll shtick, cunt. Bitch, I'll show you a beef wellington. Come go take this fucking cock, Simon Coward. Bitch, you're gonna take my fucking beef wellington.

SPEAKER_10 41:14

Our parent is racist and a rapist.

SPEAKER_05 41:19

But only towards Simon Cowell.

SPEAKER_08 41:21

But only towards Simon Cow. That fucking Simon Cow is gonna take this beef wellington, whether he likes it or not. He says he doesn't like mushrooms. Well he's gonna fucking get it in his ass.

SPEAKER_05 41:33

All of the security detail that was at the America's Got Talent tryouts was to stop Gordon Ramsey from coming in and holding down and molesting Simon Cowell. The entire security detail was just an anti-Simon Cowell operation all those years. That was a whole economy propped up, dude. That was a whole economy. America's got talent security yard. Huge. Huge.

SPEAKER_09 42:06

Mark, you can't have sex with children. Well, I didn't know. You know, you could have sex with women. You know, they're basically the same thing. Like my my Wahlberg.

SPEAKER_11 42:21

Well, it's Wahlberg. Pedophile and the sexist.

SPEAKER_05 42:26

Good. Wahlberg's a fucking idiot. Yeah, I like that Wahlberg. Did you ever see that quote he had that he said um about 9-11?

SPEAKER_11 42:33

No, what was it? He said probably wild though.

SPEAKER_05 42:36

He said it would have gone down different if he was on the plane.

SPEAKER_11 42:38

No, I think I did hear about that.

SPEAKER_05 42:40

That's so funny. That's one of my favorite tidbits that I know.

SPEAKER_09 42:47

Well, you know he you well, you know he like fucking uh like killed some Vietnamese dude, right? Really? Yeah, you heard it was like in the war. He was like in the fucking army when he was young or some shit. He's in the army? And he's like alluded to the fact that he's like killed like like some Vietnamese dude.

SPEAKER_05 43:04

He's such a fucking faker, dude. I can sniff a faker out from a mile away, dude. That's a F-A-A-K-E F-A-K-E-R faker.

SPEAKER_09 43:14

You know, I still remember the sense of power I felt when I just stuck that knife right in his eye socket and twisted it, you know?

SPEAKER_05 43:23

Meanwhile, he's giving a performance of what it would be to kill a guy. He's a fucking fake ass actor, dude. Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

SPEAKER_01 43:30

Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

SPEAKER_05 43:32

That's our one of our fucking nemesises on this podcast. Nemesis is saying. That's our new nemesis. Fuck Mark Wahlberg. Wahlbergers sucks dick, dude. Fuck Wahlberg. Wahlbergers. You ever eat there?

SPEAKER_09 43:45

Wahlberg. One time I did, and it was not that good.

SPEAKER_04 43:49

See?

SPEAKER_09 43:49

Fuck Mark Wahlberg. Fuck Mark Wahlberg, bro. Wait.

SPEAKER_04 43:55

How did we get there?

SPEAKER_09 43:56

Can you hear that?

SPEAKER_04 43:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 43:58

I wonder if the audience can hear.

SPEAKER_04 44:00

I hope they can. Welcome to the podcast, Craig.

SPEAKER_09 44:05

Dude, fucking. I gotta be honest, bro. My recent Google history is all been how to increase my melanin levels. Really? It really has been. It's good. I've really been trying to, you know. You pasty white boy. Did I actually tell you? Like a few weeks ago, I actually overdosed on melatonin because I thought it was melanin.

SPEAKER_05 44:26

Me too. Yeah, yeah, dude. I was asleep for days, but dreams are fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_09 44:34

I've been, you know, I'm gonna start rubbing my hands together when I get excited and stuff. Dude, the other day Greg came home and he's like, why does it smell like fried okra in here?

SPEAKER_05 44:48

Whenever you're at something crazy, you're just going, oh shit.

SPEAKER_09 44:52

Oh shit. Oh shit. So shit. And Greg's like, you gotta cut this shit out, dude. I'm like, it I it's part of me, dude. Who are you to judge? Who are you to tell me who I am and am not?

SPEAKER_05 45:05

You're the first transracial man.

SPEAKER_09 45:07

I'm the first transracial, goddammit. I'm fucking brave, dude.

SPEAKER_05 45:11

I'm lucky to sit on a couch with a transracial man.

SPEAKER_09 45:14

You're very lucky, too. And on our own podcast, once people start figuring it out, dude, this podcast will blow up. It's gonna blow up. Not in a way that's an interesting perspective. We initially thought. No. I fuck yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_05 45:27

We're leaders of change in our generation. It all starts when you hate white people, dude.

SPEAKER_09 45:31

It all starts when you hate white people.

SPEAKER_05 45:33

Yeah, it's I mean, it's a very um hateable group.

SPEAKER_09 45:37

It is it honestly is, dude. Very as many jokes as I make, dude. Like I noticed like a lot of white people there's no pride in this room.

SPEAKER_05 45:45

There's no pride. There's no Caucasian pride.

SPEAKER_09 45:47

Not in this, no. All shame.

SPEAKER_05 45:50

Just shit.

SPEAKER_09 45:51

Caucasian shame.

SPEAKER_06 45:52

Just like, god damn it. I don't know, dude.

SPEAKER_09 45:55

I my main thing I feel like I've noticed is I feel like a lot of white people kind of like assume shit for other people. They kind of like have this attitude that they have the answers to everyone's problem.

SPEAKER_05 46:06

Yeah. Well, you know what I mean? My my big beef is every time it seems like we're like, alright, six months, no n-word videos, there's always some fucking 22-year-old blonde college bitch at UK that just runs out of her dorm room and just unleashes 75 N-bombs, like she's going mining. That's my problem. It's like, can we just can we get a year, guys? Can we get a year? Can we get a year without public being like fucking white people again? No, we just get like can we get 365 days and we're free? Papa John internet and we're video free that my girlfriend doesn't have to be like, look at look at this. There's more of them. Look at this.

SPEAKER_09 46:47

They're everywhere, bro. They're like, they're like termites. God damn it. You know what else is another thing, too? Lauren struck again. You know what? Another big thing I've noticed too is there's a lot more socially inept white people than there are black people. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. When you see just like people like just adults that just don't get how to act around other people, I notice a lot of them are white.

SPEAKER_05 47:14

I feel I I feel like it's because once the iPad came out, white people were like, alright, we done parenting. Yeah, I that's probably good. That's really a good thing. I feel like I'm lucky to be born when I was born because my mom would not let me have no technology shit. Every kid that I see, every fucking white kid at Chili's has got an iPad in front of their face at dinner. And it's a fucking it's a pacifier. You don't know how to interact with people and just stare at a fucking no, yeah, because it's easy and people fucking just are shitty parents. Shitty parenting. That's what I that's where we went wrong. Steve Jobs fucked our race up, man.

SPEAKER_09 47:51

When I well, I know whenever I have kids and they're on their iPads. We used to have Eminem. We used to have Eminem.

SPEAKER_05 47:58

I mean Was he like Mexican dude? No, he was white. It was just like you or he was just like a dude from Houston. I'm pretty sure he was white. Pretty sure he was white. See, I mean, we used to have these cool white guys.

SPEAKER_09 48:09

Yeah, I mean, there's not now they're all just trying to get it. You have to put it in them when they're young, you know? Yeah. That's why when I have kids and they're stuck on their iPads, I'm gonna be making sure that they're using only black emojis. If you want to send the prayer hands, make sure it's the darkest color.

SPEAKER_05 48:27

It's a good idea. That's thinking with your feet.

SPEAKER_09 48:30

Don't even think about using any other color.

SPEAKER_05 48:33

How dare you?

SPEAKER_09 48:35

How about how about uh what if it's uh Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but it said it starts playing and it's just the Black Panther movie. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_05 48:49

It's an interesting one.

SPEAKER_09 48:51

Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_05 48:52

Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_09 48:55

I am making Andy very uncomfortable. Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_05 48:58

That one I don't know, that one might be too far. Okay, noted. Stand up.

SPEAKER_11 49:09

I didn't play the movie, I'm just saying. No, it's comedy. It's comedy.

SPEAKER_05 49:14

Twenty first. It's not serious.

SPEAKER_10 49:19

Uh fuck. Do you have do you want to take a turn? Pass the ball to you.

SPEAKER_05 49:26

Hold up. Triple, triple, dribble top. Sorry about that, folks. We had a talk. We're leaving it in, but we don't bow out, we leave it in.

SPEAKER_11 49:39

We leave it in.

SPEAKER_05 49:40

It's a joke.

SPEAKER_11 49:40

It's a joke.

SPEAKER_05 49:42

It's important to remember.

SPEAKER_09 49:45

Uh fucking. I had this one. Have you uh have you heard of that movie uh Leave the World Behind?

SPEAKER_04 49:52

Yes, I have.

SPEAKER_09 49:52

Dude, everyone's telling me to fucking watch it. I heard the ending sucks, so I haven't watched it, but everyone's telling me how fucking good it is or whatever. Is that a Netflix movie? It's a Netflix movie. Okay. It's like about like uh I guess like all the cell phones, the technology fails, like the end of the world or whatever.

SPEAKER_05 50:09

Oh but here's the thing.

SPEAKER_09 50:11

I'm gonna have to watch that tonight. I heard it's good, but we could do a review next week. We could. We actually could. But here's the thing. I was heard uh it's actually produced by the Obamas. Did you know that?

SPEAKER_06 50:22

Oh, I saw that.

SPEAKER_05 50:23

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did see that movie. I was, and their names came up on the credits. I go, now what the fuck do they know about movies? Yeah, what the fuck is Obama doing?

SPEAKER_09 50:34

I'm guessing it's about like what happens after Obama, you know, like before Obama, after Obama.

SPEAKER_05 50:40

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_09 50:41

Like before Christ, after Christ kind of thing. It's like once he gets out of office, just everything crumbles or whatever.

SPEAKER_05 50:47

I was like, I don't know if there's any trans people in this movie, but see, Obama's no stuff about that, I think.

SPEAKER_00 50:54

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 50:55

At least that's my favorite theory. Shout out to Big Mike and her big fat black cock. Did you see that? Did you ever read that letter that he wrote to his lover when he was in college? Oh, that Barack wrote to his girlfriend. Yeah, I heard about that. I imagine being loved by men or whatever the fuck all day. Dude, when that happened, my grandpa he made it in really like good language or two.

SPEAKER_06 51:21

I'm like, oh, this is super gay. Dude, when that happened, my grandpa was like, I fucking knew it!

SPEAKER_02 51:27

I've been saying it the whole time.

SPEAKER_05 51:29

Oh my god, the retirement homes across America. Rejoice. You know what would be a funny I'm New Year's Al Qaeda, I'm New Year's gay!

SPEAKER_09 51:39

You know, you know what would be Let's see that bird certificate. He might be a woman. Dude, grandpa's so yeah, funny. You know what would be a funny prank if you uh if you showed uh Leave the World Behind your grandpa and like you show him a whole movie, and hopefully at the end he really likes it, really thinks it's a good movie, and then you tell him it was produced by Obama and that you just supported his work.

SPEAKER_05 52:01

You want to kill old man?

SPEAKER_11 52:02

Yeah, I literally give him a heart attack. Elizabeth, this is the big one!

SPEAKER_05 52:10

Sanford's on an amazing show.

SPEAKER_11 52:12

You're telling me I just gave money to Obama and his trans husband.

SPEAKER_05 52:18

Now they're streaming. Do they get paid off that? Did I just give a red cent to that fucking Obama? Did I just give a red cent to Big Mike and her big fat black cock?

SPEAKER_09 52:30

Big Mike. Oh, my grandpa thinks that Obama that Michelle Obama is just trans-Obama.

SPEAKER_05 52:38

It's just when he goes out and drag. Have you ever seen him in the same room together?

SPEAKER_10 52:42

That's yeah, that's what you're saying.

SPEAKER_05 52:45

I've never seen him in the same room together. She does a book tour and he stays at home and raises the kids. I I I better degenerate and smoke cigarettes. I was at standing by them at Lala one year. They rock. Any rich bitch that's ripping a heater while their dad's in the office is fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_09 53:03

I I didn't know she was trans. I thought bad God just had a bad day at work. I thought he was just pumping out ugly women, and the angels were like, Man, just take the day off tomorrow and come back on Monday.

SPEAKER_05 53:16

Just really give her a good job. Just really give him a good jaw and some nice farm. Oh shit, that's a woman.

SPEAKER_09 53:23

The angels saw what he was making and they're like, he's off, dude.

SPEAKER_05 53:28

I haven't seen him mess up on biceps like that in years.

SPEAKER_09 53:32

For the record, that's my that's grandpa's theory.

SPEAKER_05 53:35

Grandpa.

SPEAKER_09 53:36

That's grandpa's theory. Grandpa time. Grandpa time. We know if you are at all familiar with me, you know, you know the fucking reoccurring bit of my grandpa being racist. If you don't then tap in, honestly.

SPEAKER_05 53:49

Yeah, check in, check out the fucking stand-up, dude. Come on. Check in on the stand-up, dude. Come on. Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_09 53:56

Yeah, and I used the uh one of the bits that we came up with on this pod for that bit that I did on stage the other day. Did really well. Did really well. I heard that. I was like, fuck it, my boy.

SPEAKER_05 54:08

That my boy's getting real laughs out here. I think actually I'm gonna try that Doc Brown one next week, too. Fuck yeah. Oh, you guys gotta go check them out at the open mic here now. Come on, guys.

SPEAKER_09 54:19

I don't want to like use all a lot of these for stand-up because I do kind of want to keep them separate, but like some of them pilots fuck not.

SPEAKER_05 54:27

Yeah, if it spawns from this, fuck yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_09 54:29

Bro, there's like fucking 25 bits a fucking episode. And trust me, most people aren't listening to all of what we're recording.

SPEAKER_05 54:37

Almost nobody in the world listens to this.

SPEAKER_09 54:39

The most views we have in one episode is 27. Thousand.

SPEAKER_05 54:44

Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 54:46

But nobody listens, but that it counts as a listen as long as you listen to at one minute of it. Each podcast is an hour plus, so who's to say people are and I'm sure a lot of people just listen to a minute.

SPEAKER_05 55:00

I hope that they can make it that long.

SPEAKER_09 55:02

I hope that they can make it that long too.

SPEAKER_05 55:04

I think our song sucked a minute at least for two minutes this week. Genius.

SPEAKER_09 55:10

Genius, dude. What else is what's been going on lately? Sorry about I think. Hey, how about this? Did you have something that you want to say? You look like you're about to talk. No, I was waiting to respond to you. Okay. Uh, so I don't know if you saw this. Actually, no, we talked about this the other week, but then it didn't record. I saw an article, right, about this 65-year-old woman that went down to Mexico to get like a little bit of plastic sort of reading, like light shit.

SPEAKER_04 55:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_09 55:37

And she woke up and she had like fucking G cup sized plastic tits and a BBW and a BBL.

SPEAKER_05 55:46

Just like a full butt lip. She went full hot grandma.

SPEAKER_10 55:50

She was like crying and shit, just with like giant stretched out tits. The rest of her is just wrinkly, just so weird looking.

SPEAKER_04 56:01

That's fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_09 56:02

That's wild. And I'm trying to think like, one, how do you fuck that up? And two, if they were doing it on purpose, what benefit would that be to them?

SPEAKER_05 56:10

How happy was her old man when he she got home, dude. Oh my god. Dolores. I haven't seen tits like that since Baywatch. You're gonna hurt your back, Camera on M Allen. Bring them over here, you old man. Bring them to the old man. Bring them to Papa. Come on. What if you were like the kids sucked them dry years ago? It's my turn now.

SPEAKER_09 56:36

What if you were like a white woman and you woke up from surgery with a black pussy? Whoa. Like they could maybe they just had like a black pussy lying around.

SPEAKER_05 56:47

What a proposition.

SPEAKER_10 56:49

In the fucking surgery room. It's fucking just like sitting on top of the counter. It's like in the fridge.

SPEAKER_09 56:57

You're like, we have this black pussy. It's gonna go bad next week.

SPEAKER_05 57:01

Good luck, free of charge.

SPEAKER_09 57:03

It's gonna go to waste.

SPEAKER_05 57:05

We know it's a notch above yours.

SPEAKER_09 57:07

And now we have this new white pussy and we can resell it.

SPEAKER_11 57:12

Maybe that's what the idea behind it was. Just get rich.

SPEAKER_05 57:17

Harvesting pussies.

SPEAKER_11 57:18

Just get rich flipping black and white pussies in Mexico.

SPEAKER_05 57:26

I've heard of harvest the harvesting kidney game, but harvesting pussies. Harvesting pussies. I think we had something.

SPEAKER_09 57:34

And flipping them.

SPEAKER_05 57:36

Like we're flipping houses.

SPEAKER_09 57:38

Like we're flipping out. We're the property brothers.

SPEAKER_05 57:40

Yeah. We're the property brothers.

SPEAKER_11 57:43

But we're the we're the pussy brothers. Pussy brothers.

SPEAKER_05 57:52

Here we've got a 1997 down south southern bell. This pussy says yes, ma'am, and accepts whatever.

SPEAKER_09 58:02

It was a little fat, but we shaved some of the fat off. So it's a little loose around the seams, but very racist, but cooking with butter is good. Cooking with butter is good. Don't expect any black pepper in it, though.

SPEAKER_05 58:18

She it's gonna OD on wine and Xanax eventually. Eventually, bro. But that's after he clearly starts cheating.

SPEAKER_09 58:26

If you get if you get a different pussy, does it change your persona?

SPEAKER_05 58:29

Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_09 58:30

Like it's it's like a it's like a cartridge. You could just exchange it.

SPEAKER_05 58:35

It's like a Game Boy cartridge.

SPEAKER_09 58:36

It's like a Game Boy cartridge.

SPEAKER_05 58:40

Blood dust off his son, bitch. It's a classic. It's a Pam Man replica.

SPEAKER_09 58:46

For like different occasions, you could like change it out.

SPEAKER_05 58:50

Oh Daryl. Do you want me to get the Michelle Obama? No!

SPEAKER_09 58:56

Not the Michelle Obama Pussy Cartridge! When you want to have a fun night out, you plug the black pussy in.

SPEAKER_05 59:02

Fuck yeah. Plug the black pussy in. Twerk skills enhanced. God bless it.

SPEAKER_09 59:09

If you want people to not stare at you when you're eating out at dinner, you put the white pussy in.

SPEAKER_05 59:17

I'm a nosy motherfucker when I'm out for dinner, man. Don't be having a good conversation.

SPEAKER_10 59:22

I mean, dude, I eavesdrop too. I'm gonna be honest. I eavesdrop too.

SPEAKER_05 59:26

I'm listening. I love it. But the problem and my chick will give each other a look and it's like instantly stop talking.

SPEAKER_09 59:35

But a lot of people will just have nothing to talk about. That's why we've had this before. I'm like, what do normal people talk about? But then you eavesdrop on people and it's just bullshit.

SPEAKER_05 59:43

Not every combo's a winner. Definitely not. They're not all winners, but you gotta check in. You gotta try. Oh, and then if you're in the bathroom in pure silence and you get the neighbor yelling, oh I just died and went to heaven, brother. This is it. My evening is now cleared up. Honey, the couple in the basement is fighting. Can we put our ears to the carpet and listen? Oh yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:13

That's better than sex, bro.

SPEAKER_11 1:00:15

That's definitely more entertaining.

SPEAKER_10 1:00:20

I know you've been fucking wrong with her. I knew it! I heard you, I saw you.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:27

It's the best.

SPEAKER_09 1:00:30

How about how about the movie Igor, but you put the letter N in front of it?

SPEAKER_10 1:00:38

Yeah? Sorry. How about it? Alright, that's that's the peak. That's not bad.

SPEAKER_09 1:00:49

That fucking the plan of the apes won't stop you in your trash.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:52

That one was crazy. That one let me know I had a line. It's like, whoa. Pause. Pause for station identification.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:04

Oh, god damn it. What else can we talk about? Let me try for a few more minutes. Gay sex. Gay sex. Fucking. I hate superhero movies.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:16

I'm with you. Superhero. Grow up. Fucking grow up. You're not a child. You're what's ruining American movies. It's the only movies that have a budget anymore. These fucking superhero movies.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:27

There's way too fucking many of them, dude.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:29

There's way too many spin-offs of your shitty childhood, you fucking loser. Put the weed down and give up your superhero movies.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:39

Listen.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:40

You can still eat your fucking juju fruits and suck dudes off under the bridge for 15 bucks a punk. I don't care. Stop with the fucking superhero movies.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:52

Listen, dude, here's the thing. If when you're young and in high school and depressed, you can there's a fur there's a few things you can do. When I did it, I got into comedy. I watched comedy and I learned how to be funny. I accredit my sense of humor into fucking like you know, learning it. I pick I feel like I picked up on it from watching shit.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:13

The first superhero movie I saw was Deadpool. And I never said, wow, I would really love for this to be serious. Yeah, yeah. This would be unbearable if it was serious. I feel like not just a shithead that's running around doing whatever.

SPEAKER_09 1:02:30

It was funny for the first movie, I guess.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:32

Yeah. I mean, grant granted, I was probably 14 when it came out. Yeah. But I was still, I was like, do not give me this serious.

SPEAKER_09 1:02:39

But like anyway, well, like I was saying, is like it's TJ Miller really funny too.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:43

Who? TJ Miller. Oh, TJ Miller is pretty funny.

SPEAKER_09 1:02:46

But like, if you're in high school and you're sad and you're watching superhero movies, that's how I feel like that's how you become, you know, antisocial, just don't know how to be funny, all you talk about is fucking Marvel. And I fucking hate people like that. And you get then you get the tattoos.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:04

It's a whole genre of people, and pooh fuck me.

SPEAKER_09 1:03:07

This might be too far, but I'm gonna straight up say if you have more than one or two marble tattoos, actually kill yourself. That's too far. You get one or two if you have like a good excuse behind it. After that, dude, you're not don't get a sleeve. Oh no. That's just repulsive. I will not take you seriously.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:27

Get two Captain America shields on each butt cheek.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:29

Well, one on each butt cheek.

SPEAKER_09 1:03:31

You can be drowning in steroids, dude. Fucking 400 pounds of muscle. You're a pussy. I'm not in a marble, dude. Sucks. And you know what, dude? Every superhero movie, they destroy an entire city, and it's never mentioned. Ever. Literally. It's literally like 15 9-11s in one spot. And there's dozens of these movies. Every single movie. So, like, why don't they make like a Marvel spinoff about that?

SPEAKER_05 1:03:57

Fucks that shit up, dude. Yeah. Yeah, literally. Although Marvel spin- Yeah, dude, in like a comedy angle.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:04

What the fuck? Have you ever heard of that movie Hancock?

SPEAKER_05 1:04:07

I love Hancock.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:08

Yeah, they kind of they kind of like allude to that in there.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:10

I like the shit. He's a piece of shit, but he's a superhero. I love that movie.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:15

And I he's like destroys everything in sit in like saving everyone. They're like, dude, what the fuck? You just knocked over three fucking buildings.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:21

Piece of shit alcoholic, it rules.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:24

How about uh how about Hancock and he just keeps holding his dick in front of people? He's like, mmm, you like that? That was his heel turn when he gets drunk. There's a dude laying, like a homeless dude laying on a bench, dude. That's just an open mouth, dude.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:42

And he's got a cock in his hand.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:43

He's got a cock in his hand.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:46

That's it. That's a goal. That's the goal. That's life. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:54

I love it. Love it. Do you have anything? Anything you want to do?

SPEAKER_05 1:04:59

I'm out of it right now.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:00

You're out of it. Yeah, you should. Yeah. I used to feel the uh running low on uh running low on gas.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:11

I feel bad. Alright, man. Gay sex. Gay sex. Oh I love me some gay sex. I love me some gay sex. I just love it cooking me, man.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:28

What? It always works. Sticking fingers in people's butts?

SPEAKER_11 1:05:33

Huh?

SPEAKER_05 1:05:34

You can do that with fingers?

SPEAKER_11 1:05:36

I would I don't know.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:37

When I came up with that, I envisioned like in the 50s, like a like a dad coming home and his a kid got in trouble at school. Then he comes home all angry. He's like, what? Sticking fingers in people's butts?

SPEAKER_05 1:05:52

Doris, you're telling me my son sticks fingers in people's butts? What? I can't believe this.

SPEAKER_09 1:06:00

Taking steamers on my lawn?

SPEAKER_05 1:06:03

He's been going round he'll billy hand fishing in neighbor Johnny's rumpus? He'll be hand fishing. Hand me my belt.

SPEAKER_11 1:06:12

Hand me my belt. Why I oughta.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:16

Gromet?

SPEAKER_11 1:06:18

Grommet?

SPEAKER_09 1:06:20

I remember that movie, dude.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:22

Stop shoving your fingers in my ass, Grommet. Stop shoving your fingers in my ass, Grommet. It's not polite for a pooch to shove fingers in his owner's coal.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:34

We're not at the chocolate factory anymore.

SPEAKER_09 1:06:37

You're not gonna get a gumball callback.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:39

We're never going to go to the cheese moon, Grommet. The cheese moon. I need my cheese. The dick cheese moon.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:47

With your fingers in my ass, we won't be able to fly. You know I get so horny when I wake up with a finger in my ass, Gromet. Gromet?

SPEAKER_09 1:07:01

Dude, I gotta rewatch that movie.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:03

It's the best claimation.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:05

It's been a long time.

SPEAKER_09 1:07:07

Um horrible hang. Horrible hang. How about I uh I will end with this. You know what? Uh I think Lil Peep cut himself because he wasn't allowed to say the N-word around his homies.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:21

That's why he was so bummed.

SPEAKER_09 1:07:24

Tracy, Tracy was doing it. He's just like, fuck.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:28

They're so fucking cool. Damn it. He's so soft and so cool.

SPEAKER_09 1:07:32

My music will never be as good as it could be.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:35

I can't use my auto-tune on the best word in the language for music.

SPEAKER_09 1:07:40

Fuck. I'm gonna take a bunch of fentanyl.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:43

Give me that box cutter.

SPEAKER_09 1:07:45

Give me the box cutter and the fentanyl. I'm gonna carve Hellboy and maybe I'll reincarnate into a big black steed. Alright, that's it. Horrible hang.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:58

Horrible hang. Hellboy. Forever.