Episode 8 - Perv Services

New pod studio, 80’s rock singers have a strange theory, and the new nick cage movie

Transcript

unknown 0:01

Shh.

SPEAKER_03 0:03

Be very quiet. I'm hunting.

SPEAKER_09 0:10

It's like where the fuck is he going with this? I was almost ready to jump in.

unknown 0:17

Let him cook.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

Welcome to the podcast, everyone.

SPEAKER_09 0:20

It's new e new at new EP. What is this? Episode eight, I think. This is new, newly rehabilitated. Move that bus. Podcast edition happened.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

Yes, yes. We got new mics, new equipment.

SPEAKER_09 0:32

We are we have a home now. We're no longer homeless. We no we longer live in a van down by the river.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

Nope. Not in the parking lot anymore. We got a crib.

SPEAKER_09 0:41

Holy shit, dude.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

We got a pad.

SPEAKER_09 0:43

So we're fucking thank you guys. All of our big subs all of our subscribers. You you you did it for us.

SPEAKER_03 0:49

Yeah. I mean, none of you actually helped me. It was all me just going in the debt so I could get this because I want it to sound good.

SPEAKER_09 0:55

See? You get why I hate them. You know why I hate those.

SPEAKER_03 0:58

I get it. I get it. It's fine. More and more people are starting to get into it, though. I'm finding. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_09 1:06

It's like syphilis.

SPEAKER_03 1:08

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_09 1:10

I don't know what that means.

SPEAKER_03 1:13

So yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_09 1:15

Fucking new beginnings. New beginnings. Shout out to him. I can't believe this shit. You guys are fucking privileged. Right?

SPEAKER_03 1:23

So, what you've been up to recently? Got anything you wanted to say? Okay. I see a little you got a little stuff there.

SPEAKER_06 1:33

Alright.

SPEAKER_09 1:36

I think that we could make a sketch where we can essentially make frat dudes and gangsters exactly the same. Okay. You could go on. Well, at least from in the different circles I've hung out with, when annoying frat dudes show up, a lot of times it has the same effect as when a real true gangster shows up. It's like, oh fuck.

unknown 1:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_09 1:56

This guy's here now. We got a tough guy here now. Both people, when they walk in, is like, fuck, we got a tough guy now. Oh, everyone was chill.

SPEAKER_03 2:04

Now we got a problem.

SPEAKER_09 2:05

Now we got a cool guy here. Now we got a problem. It's terrible.

SPEAKER_03 2:11

Okay, alright. So yeah, I mean, yeah, new spot. The apartment's pretty cool. The apartment rips, dude. The vibes are high in here. Glad I'm glad you like it. I got all the shit on my uh all the walls. Got all my signatures, my memorabilia, all that shit. Memorabilia.

SPEAKER_09 2:28

Love me some memorabilia.

SPEAKER_03 2:30

It's nice, because now I could be sad and do drugs without having to worry about mom walking in. You know what I mean? God damn right. That's freedom, bro. Oh, I am very sad. The consistent roaminess is starting to affect my personality in a negative way. I am so tired of seeing dinners and eating movies of her own. Even though I know that being in a relationship would hinder my comedy career, it doesn't change the fact that I want to connect with someone on a deeper level. Because I'm almost 26 years old and I've still never truly experienced mutual fearings.

SPEAKER_09 3:07

I thought you liked your roommate. I thought you liked your roommate.

SPEAKER_05 3:14

I like my roommate, but the loneliness is why are you using Greg's voice?

SPEAKER_03 3:20

No, this is Asian.

SPEAKER_05 3:23

Shout out to Greg. And I know that my gritter.

SPEAKER_03 3:28

I know that my life is still better than a lot of people's. I have good friends, infemary, two jobs and no kids. So that kind of makes it invarid, and nobody wants to hear about it. Yeah, sorry. Welcome to Shitty Walk. Chinese Kyle got a little carried away there.

SPEAKER_09 3:45

I'll save the rest for the screenplay. He's got a lot of pent-up feelings, it seems.

SPEAKER_03 3:50

But see, that's why I think liking women is so gay. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_09 3:55

What do you got here?

SPEAKER_03 3:56

That's what it turns you into. We were just having Brewski's a few months ago. Now I think I'm a fucking poet. That's what people pick up the guitar and think that they have ideas for music. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_09 4:11

Yeah, real creative. Exactly. Real inspired. Real inspired cats out there. I'm gonna write a tune. You should get shot if you say that.

SPEAKER_03 4:22

You know what I watched the other day? Because I I saw it a few ways.

SPEAKER_09 4:27

That was supposed to be a joke, I didn't mean that. But he just started going into something.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

Sorry, my mind is in another place right now. I I heard dead silence and I panicked, so I scrambled for a joke.

SPEAKER_05 4:42

Fuck yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

But no, I I watched uh, you know that movie? What's the one movie about Motley Crue that's on Netflix? Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard it. I forgot what it's fucking called.

SPEAKER_09 4:51

I can't tell you the name of it, but yeah, I do know what you're doing.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

I watched it again like a couple weeks ago.

SPEAKER_09 4:56

Girls, girls, girls.

SPEAKER_03 4:57

I don't think it was called that. It was The Something.

SPEAKER_09 5:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 5:00

I forget. That was their one song.

SPEAKER_03 5:02

Girls, they did have that song. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Licking my thastas. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_07 5:13

Wait a second.

SPEAKER_03 5:15

Pause. But no, I remember when this movie first came out, like a few years ago. I remember I heard this story about Montley Crue that they said they were having so much unprotected sex that they would have sex with breakfast burritos to get the sex smell off of their dicks, right? I read this somewhere, right?

SPEAKER_09 5:36

Rockstar stories are awesome.

SPEAKER_03 5:38

Immediately by that, I was curious ever since I heard that. So when I heard they were making a movie, I'm like, dude, they gotta make a scene.

SPEAKER_09 5:44

There's no way they don't touch on fucking burritos.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Yeah, where they're talking about fucking burritos. I watched the whole movie. It's like an hour 45. No one's fucking burritos.

SPEAKER_09 5:54

Can you believe I watched that whole goddamn Netflix documentary on Motley Crue and Ain talk one time about when he fucked that burrito?

SPEAKER_03 6:01

I I thought I was gonna watch it. There's gonna be a scene where they're like, yeah, we're gonna have sex with burritos. There was nothing like that.

SPEAKER_09 6:08

It just, you see, it's like a it's like a personal video camera. They're like, all right, guys, we're gonna teach you how to get the smell of shit off your dick. You're gonna need a microwave. A package of Jimmy Dean breakfast burritos.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

Definitely not a sponge and some fucking soap.

SPEAKER_09 6:23

Pepe's hot sauce.

SPEAKER_03 6:24

Pepe's hot sauce.

SPEAKER_09 6:27

That's just I love that's just clear up for diseases.

SPEAKER_03 6:29

I love that's how that's like peak dude logic. That's the ultimate profile. Cover the smell.

SPEAKER_09 6:35

Mask, mask, mask, spray axe. Why do you think ever those guys literally got famous almost at the age that they would have bought spray axe? Yeah. They're like two years past that. So duh.

SPEAKER_03 6:46

Yeah, weren't they like 20s? Like early, early, early 20s?

SPEAKER_09 6:50

I think pretty much all those rock bands were. Makes sense. Fucking crazy. I and all those rock bands all get a huge pass on. They all had underage girlfriends.

SPEAKER_03 7:01

They all had underage girls. When is the date?

SPEAKER_09 7:03

When is the date? When is the historical date that it's like apparent it's not cool that you had an underage girlfriend?

SPEAKER_03 7:08

I don't know. It's a blurry line. Was it taiga? Maybe it was. It's a blurry line. At least for my lifetime, if it almost feels like it was taiga. Well, it to me, it's just like it's one of those things where people were like, you know, well, it was the 70s, you know?

SPEAKER_09 7:24

Because Mick, Mick Jagger with the Rowan Coons wrote songs about like underage girls and basically like crying about them. No, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:30

He literally had a song where it was like, she was 14, and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Even back then, it doesn't matter what you that was still very much not cool.

SPEAKER_09 7:38

So who? Quadrufenia, my favorite rock album of all time, song 515. The opening line, girls of 15, sexually knowing.

SPEAKER_03 7:45

It was the 70s. What can you do? It's crazy. And you're like, no, it was still definitely rock. Girls of 15. And it rocks, too. Sexually know. Maybe they just thought it was like rebellious. It was rock and roll.

SPEAKER_09 7:57

Sex, drugs, and RR, baby. I mean, what are you gonna? I mean, shit. They're throwing it at us.

SPEAKER_03 8:04

Guys, it is not rock and roll to have sex with children. It's wrong. Yeah, rock and roll.

SPEAKER_09 8:12

No way. No fucking way. No fucking way, bro. It's totally fucking rock and roll to fuck a 15-year-old. It's totally rock and roll to fuck a 13-year-old girl. And now we now we cut to a live clip of Mick Jagger. Oh, it's no fucking way it's not clue to fuck 15-year-old. There's no fucking way. I wish you could see your face when you're doing that. I look like him too. Are you fucking kidding, mate? He is does not look good. Fuck you, I look good. I still fuck 15-year-olds. Of course I look good.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

No, you don't. You look like you have leukemia and too many lip injections.

SPEAKER_09 8:50

Um, I don't have enough lip injections, one would fucking argue. Um, I just moved the continent Australia. Um I've kind of my my accent is migrated, and I'm not really sure about this anymore, but I'm McJagger. And I'm just gonna tell you that the comments that you made are a little bit out of line about my lip injections and about the fact that I don't fuck 15-year-old girls. I'm appalled that you called it not rock and roll. Russell Brand, everyone. Thank you for that.

SPEAKER_03 9:25

It's fucking rock and roll. I think everyone that talks like that fucks underage kids. I'm pretty sure everyone that talks like including Russell Brand.

SPEAKER_08 9:33

Can I let you know a little secret?

SPEAKER_03 9:35

A little secret?

SPEAKER_08 9:36

We do. We do every one of us.

SPEAKER_03 9:39

We do, every one of us.

SPEAKER_08 9:40

We all fuck 15-year-old girls. Some some of the lucky ones even get down to 13, really.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

I I would even say it's maintenance. It's necessary to keep us going through the week. Do you have torrent schedule's pretty crazy though?

SPEAKER_08 9:54

Do you have any other questions about our culture, you uncultured American fucking pig? Do you have any Jimmy Dean burritos? How many do you need, brother? Did you have a wild fucking night?

SPEAKER_03 10:07

I need the real small ones, like the mini ones.

SPEAKER_08 10:10

It's gonna be a bit of a bitch to get Pepe's hot sauce out here, the middle of California. It's more of a Chicago thing, I reckon.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

You know, I know it's a very popular thing that a lot of rock stars have big dicks. That's actually not true. A lot of us have very small penises.

SPEAKER_08 10:24

Some of us don't even have penises at all.

SPEAKER_03 10:27

Some of us don't even have penises at all.

SPEAKER_08 10:28

We just poked it back in. I'm flat and front like Ken by design. The government took it away because I kept fucking their 15-year-old daughters.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

I just pushed my penis back inside my body. It's inside out, it's like looking down a sock now.

SPEAKER_08 10:44

See I I had a mate back in school that his he did that one time.

SPEAKER_09 10:49

His cock was so big, he pushed it all the way up. Look at it, he took his two fingers, he pushed it all the way back up, and then the socker came out of his belly hole. It came out of his belly hole? All the way out of his it was poking out like it like it was a foot and a sock out of his belly button.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

I reckon, I reckon that it where did this even start as well?

SPEAKER_09 11:13

I reckon that if he tried to and he masturbated into that, you know, so-called sock of a really what ended up just being a uret uh uh umbilical cord. Oh, really? You could see, yeah, you could see it was a little bit freaky. Rayleigh. But I don't know where they made the incision.

SPEAKER_08 11:30

I think he still might have had some of his mother's um umbilical cord in there, and I'm I reckon that bitch could have gotten pregnant.

SPEAKER_03 11:39

Wow, you should write a song about it. You should write a song about it.

SPEAKER_09 11:45

Have you ever heard Sitting on the Dock with a Bay by Otis Redding?

SPEAKER_03 11:49

I have not.

SPEAKER_08 11:50

That's about fucking 15-year-olds.

SPEAKER_03 11:52

Is it really? I'd like to hear it.

SPEAKER_08 11:53

It's about fucking 15 year olds.

SPEAKER_03 11:55

You know me. If it's a song about fucking underage children, I want in on it.

SPEAKER_08 12:01

That whole whistle. Do you know what the whistle came from?

SPEAKER_09 12:04

What the whistle came from, I guess, when one one time when I was, you know, fucking a 15-year-old. Oh wow, okay. Me, Russell Brand McJagger. McBrand.

SPEAKER_03 12:17

Russell brand McJagger, Eiffel Tower.

SPEAKER_09 12:21

And in and and she had a bit of a gap tooth. Oh, okay. So as she a bit of a cleft lip, if you will. As she would, you know, moan and just because my cock is so wonderful and so pleasurable. Oh wow. She would be she was as she's as screaming just as loud as you can imagine, you know. Of course. Of course. And she she it was a little bit of a tune, a whistle that was coming out, and it was to the tune of just like that. And then Otis Redding actually was in the other room and he heard it.

SPEAKER_03 12:54

Wow, that is incredible.

SPEAKER_09 12:55

And and then he wrote that fucking song.

SPEAKER_03 12:58

That is incredible. That is incredible to hear where the origination of some great classics that you hear now it come from, you know.

SPEAKER_09 13:07

Yeah, it's it's it's really it's really incredible.

SPEAKER_03 13:11

In fact, it would almost be it would not be out of pocket to say that without having sex with underage children.

SPEAKER_09 13:18

I like that you keep going in and out of the accent.

SPEAKER_03 13:21

That without having sex.

SPEAKER_09 13:22

You got an opportunity to interview one of the great minds here, dude. I'm sorry, I just checked out. I was just letting them talk. You have the opportunity to interview one of the great minds of music, clearly, it seems.

SPEAKER_03 13:32

I'm just saying I think And you're making fun of him. I think it's safe to say that without having sex with underage children, that we wouldn't have a lot of the great art and music that we have today.

SPEAKER_09 13:43

Michael Jackson.

SPEAKER_03 13:44

So you can almost say it's necessary.

SPEAKER_08 13:46

Robert Kelly. Well, you know, R. Kelly.

SPEAKER_03 13:50

R. Kelly.

SPEAKER_08 13:51

Not our beloved comedian.

SPEAKER_03 13:52

Not our beloved comedian. Shout out, Bobby.

SPEAKER_08 13:57

Watch you now.

SPEAKER_03 13:58

Okay. I don't know how much longer it can fix it up.

SPEAKER_08 14:01

You don't have to, you can interact.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

That whole interaction, whoever started listening to us like just recently, we probably already lost them.

SPEAKER_09 14:09

That was funny. That was crazy. Fuck you, that was really funny.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

I came up with this one the other day. I was uh I was in the stall and I was at work, and I was thinking it'd be funny if you're like in the stall in the bathroom and another dude was in the stall, and all of a sudden you just hear, Good morning Vietnam! It just starts exploding.

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Dude.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_09 14:38

Even if the guy would give up. And then he and then the explosion, you know, like the bomb dropping, the cartoon bomb dropping. Dude, actually hilarious that you have a funny bathroom thing to say. Okay. Because literally yesterday at work, I was leaving work and I was gonna, you know, take a piss. Uh-huh. I I as I'm walking in this dude's walking right behind me. He like does it. I like I'm strolling, he like shuffles around me. Uh-huh. He's in a fucking hurry. Okay. I mean, the the fucking the feet are they're gone. This guy makes a beeline, did not. I everybody knows it takes a second to throw some paper down. Yeah. I'm not a fucking animal. I throw some paper down. Okay. When I use a public restroom.

SPEAKER_06 15:18

Really?

SPEAKER_09 15:18

So you're gay? I'm yeah. Listen. It's cool to love co- Yeah, thank you. I know it's cool to love to.

SPEAKER_03 15:24

How many times have you had COVID?

SPEAKER_09 15:26

Never.

SPEAKER_03 15:26

Really? I haven't either. And I I like to accredit it to, you know, just sitting on the toilet. So when you when you lay down to paper, do you like bend over like Betty Boop and like lay it down nicely?

SPEAKER_09 15:39

This is the thing that this is actually now an insecurity that we're hitting. Because I don't feel like a man when there's already a guy sitting in there when I do it. Well, I well, I feel like I feel like a little girl when I do it.

SPEAKER_03 15:50

I need another guy in there in case there's an emergency. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_09 15:53

I feel like a little girl when I do it. I need someone to supervise. But anyway, so this guy was just running into the fucking bathroom. Okay. Essentially, I'm just, you know, playing it cool, taking a slow leak. This guy slams door closed, undoes belts, pants hit ground, and instantly you get like a chorus of trombone of shit echoing, bellowing through this all-time high-ceiling bathroom. Like I'm listening to fucking fart Mozart. Like your hair was like, and unlike anything I've ever heard, I was literally starting to laugh while I was just I giggled a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 16:32

I went, it's crazy to me how some people just have no shame. Like for me to shit, I everyone has to be cleared out. I can't shit until the bathroom's empty. But a lot of people just don't seem to care. They just come in there, it doesn't matter if there's an audience, they just unleash, dude.

SPEAKER_09 16:46

I've I mean, I've never had the honor to do a 21-gun salute like that guy did. But I I believe that I can just let a fart rip. I can definitely shit with people in the bathroom. Really? I can't do it, dude. I'm see, I'm a pe I'm a piece of shit construction worker, but I'm blessed enough to work in offices a lot of times that have bathrooms. Uh-huh. So like I have to maintain a little bit of the scumbag from like the for the from the boys in the past that used to shit in porta potties and shit. Yeah. You know, so I gotta be like, all right, we're still gross. Uh-huh. Us construction boys are still fucking nasty. Yeah, we still get down with boy shit.

SPEAKER_03 17:21

Shitting loud. I love dude. I like shitting loud when there's no one. If the bathroom's empty, I try to go as loud as I can. I try to take care, I try to take advantage of every cubic square inch of that bathroom.

SPEAKER_09 17:35

Dude, it's one of one of the pleasures of being home alone, and you can you can really fucking use your leg, get some leverage going. You can get a fucking cannon out. You kind of deepen deepen your ass into the fucking bowl to get more of a bellowing echo effect. But like when when the bathroom is attached to your bedroom and your girl's asleep like five minutes ago, very light sleep for sure. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:59

And literally happen to be a lot of shit just recently happened to be fucked with shitty.

SPEAKER_09 18:05

So I went into the bathroom, I'm like, fuck, I gotta shit. And then like instantly sit down and I'm like, oh my god, this might be the loudest. Like I could feel I can feel the depth, yeah, loudness of my farts before they come.

SPEAKER_03 18:15

A nice, like deep bass, like when you fart.

SPEAKER_09 18:17

I don't know what I don't know. I mean like before I rip it, I can tell if it's gonna be loud or not.

SPEAKER_03 18:22

Okay, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_09 18:23

Is that normal?

SPEAKER_03 18:24

I've had that a couple times before, I think.

SPEAKER_09 18:26

Okay, but I like knew that this motherfucker's gonna be loud as shit. Yeah, and I had to like elevate my ass and like shoot the lift shoot it off. Yeah, I had to do the lift off. I mean one more diffuse the air. One, yeah, diff whole huge. That was like you ever play Search and Destroy?

SPEAKER_05 18:44

Call of Duty, and you gotta defuse the bomb at the end of the round. That's the level of pressure. You just fuck you fight, you there was you were the only guy left, and there was five on the other team. You killed them all, and now you gotta defuse a bomb. That's the pressure. You're like, fuck, I gotta win!

unknown 19:00

Fuck.

SPEAKER_09 19:02

That's the level of intensity of this raising of my ass happened last night. It's crazy. That's beautiful. I like hearing about true love, I think. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't lift my ass.

SPEAKER_03 19:13

Dude, whatever diet you're on, sounds like you need to stay on it.

SPEAKER_09 19:16

I had Hooters last night. Oh, really? Well. And we just had Wingstop. It's the last two things, and I had beer. That's what I had in between. So I'm I'm a healthy American male, one would argue.

SPEAKER_03 19:26

You'd probably keep you're probably gonna be have an easy time keeping your streep of those long shits going.

SPEAKER_09 19:31

See, what's bad though is a chicken is a nervous bird.

SPEAKER_03 19:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 19:35

Yeah. Jim Harbaugh taught us that. He didn't let his players eat chicken for years because he said they were a nervous bird. Really? Yeah. What? Yeah. Don't want a nervous bird. And I've just been.

SPEAKER_03 19:49

Do you think she's gonna make them nervous?

SPEAKER_09 19:50

I don't I don't know, but now it's been proven they're not a nervous bird. But anyway, uh, it's funnier to say they're nervous bird when you say you don't have chicken. Yeah, true. That's why I'm a fucking Indiana pacer, dude. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We just had our union union uh break, ocean forced podcast break, only 20 minutes of podcast. You know that mandatory at one time. It's fucking you don't understand how hard it is in this podcast factory, people. It's tough. I fucking hate you, dude.

SPEAKER_03 20:20

We're putting in work that you wouldn't even know about, dude. Fuck all of you.

SPEAKER_09 20:24

We're gonna turn into real white rappers about this shit and tell you how hard we work all the time. Maybe talk about God a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 20:31

I work so fucking hard, I love God.

SPEAKER_09 20:33

NF, dude. Ever heard of him?

SPEAKER_03 20:35

Yeah, bro. You know what I was listening to the other day? You know that one song by Drake? It's called Calling My Name?

SPEAKER_09 20:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 20:43

I feel like that song easily could have been written by like any average Indian man. It's literally like, Your pussy is calling my name.

SPEAKER_09 20:55

It is some comment, bro.

SPEAKER_03 20:56

Your pussy is calling my name.

SPEAKER_09 20:58

It sounds like some Indian comment, bros.

SPEAKER_03 21:00

Literally, bro. No normal person is saying that, or even even if it's music, bro.

SPEAKER_09 21:05

Your pussy calling my name that's crazy to me. Abre, your pussy calling my name.

SPEAKER_03 21:11

You're a beautiful queen, but you know your pussy is calling my name. The pussy says, Hajit, come here. It says Hajit, come here. I'm a wit for your big throbbing peepee. I'm the pussy, I want you, Hajit. Oh my god. I'm sorry. The thought of Indian dick is so. You just busted when I did that. Your whole body tremored on this couch. I fucked it. I have you ever heard of that disease where you come 50 times a day, no matter what? Oh, yeah, yeah. I have that. So why don't you shut the fuck up?

SPEAKER_09 21:45

I used to get those disgusting Snapchat tiles, and then I fucking blocked them.

SPEAKER_03 21:48

I was at my uncle's funeral. I was saying grace right at the casket, busted three nuts. That's not funny. That's not funny. I'm crying, man.

SPEAKER_09 22:00

He died of a gunshot wound to the head and then in the casket he got another gunshot wound to the head.

SPEAKER_03 22:04

So it's a little weird. You have open caskets and you literally got your head blown off.

SPEAKER_09 22:08

But your fucking skin shrapnel was gonna be.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

And it was even weirder that at that moment that's when I busted.

SPEAKER_09 22:14

You're fucking the po the force behind it sends you back to fall into your grandma.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

He's like, what the fuck? Oh my god. Did he just shoot a whole load of cum through Uncle Daryl's head? Oh my god! The force behind that.

SPEAKER_03 22:32

Oh, the humanity! Oh bro, fucking you know what my buddy told me one time? It must be a couple gallons. No, what he did. He swore to me. It was f well he doesn't listen, though. It's Nick. He doesn't listen anyway, so fuck him. Fuck you, Nick. Fuck Nick.

SPEAKER_09 22:46

I like Nick. You should listen, you dick.

SPEAKER_03 22:48

Yeah, I don't you would like this shit.

SPEAKER_09 22:49

I don't know why you turn off the fucking 50s country music.

SPEAKER_03 22:53

But he told me, he he he swore to me, he said in confidence one time he was jerking off in his car. Pause. Pause.

SPEAKER_05 23:02

Yep. There's a lot to take in here.

SPEAKER_03 23:04

Because I saw a stain on the ceiling of his car. And I said, Nick, what is that stain?

SPEAKER_09 23:10

Oh he's a funny man.

SPEAKER_03 23:11

And he's like, I'm not, he wasn't trying to be, he swore to me. He swore to me. He's like, yeah, I mean, and I'm like, no, fuck you didn't. That's fucking like three feet in the air, dude.

SPEAKER_06 23:21

You should call him.

SPEAKER_03 23:22

There's splatter too. So you're saying it went three feet and still had enough force to splatter?

SPEAKER_09 23:27

He needs to go to homie court. He needs to go to homie court, bro. Because whatever he's eating, the homies need to be eating too. Because I was like, literally, bro.

SPEAKER_03 23:34

Ice full of shit is what it is. We had this conversation and we proceeded to look at it. Yeah, literally. But after that, we proceeded to look into it and see what the record for like the longest cum shot is. Because he thought it was like 25 feet, and I'm like, bull fucking shit. Actually, wow.

SPEAKER_09 23:52

How long is the record? We need this information. No, let's find out. I'm actually really curious to know this. World's longest cum shot. This is gonna be great when you guys can see the fucking shit. This is good.

SPEAKER_03 24:04

If you guys want to melt your brain cells listening to dog shit, this is the podcast for you.

SPEAKER_06 24:09

Thanks for coming.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

We appreciate it. We're like the cigarettes of this generation, you know. It'll kill you.

SPEAKER_09 24:19

Only the cool people do it.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

Only the cool people do it now, it'll kill you 50 years from now.

SPEAKER_09 24:24

Only the cool people smoke cigs.

SPEAKER_03 24:26

I don't fucking come on.

SPEAKER_09 24:30

You're having a lot of difficulties here, dude.

SPEAKER_03 24:33

It's it's not giving me any real answers. It's just giving porn hobs.

SPEAKER_09 24:37

Just giving you the runaround.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

It's just all every it's just 17 different porn up videos. Damn it.

SPEAKER_09 24:44

God damn it, big porn. Big porn's fucking up our children's novels. How are our kids supposed to look up the world's longest cum shot? How do they want how are they not gonna have goals?

SPEAKER_03 24:53

What if I Google What if I Google World's Longest Come Shot? I'm being serious.

SPEAKER_09 24:59

No, do Guinness. Do I Guinness?

SPEAKER_03 25:02

Guinness, Guinness.

SPEAKER_09 25:03

Okay. God. Fucking lead a horse to water, right?

SPEAKER_03 25:08

Now it's just a a guy coming into a pint of Guinness.

SPEAKER_09 25:13

Wait, let me see that. No.

unknown 25:16

Oh.

SPEAKER_09 25:16

I'm just sitting on a couch with a guy that's watching gay porn right now. That's all I'm doing. Hold up.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

Legend of Horsch Schultz, the world's most famous long distance ejaculator.

SPEAKER_09 25:28

Why have I never heard why is that not on FanDuel?

SPEAKER_03 25:31

Bull fucking shit. No, this is bullshit. No fucking way. 18 feet nine inches.

SPEAKER_09 25:38

Whoa.

SPEAKER_03 25:38

You can take a fucking eye out with that. Okay, hang on. No way.

SPEAKER_09 25:42

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Alright, let's dive into this. Because like there's a world record for like hitting a golf ball that's like 2,500 feet. Yeah. Which is bullshit because it's like done on cement and it's like kind of at a grade, I think. I mean you can you, you know, this guy probably did this, and maybe the I all I'm saying is I would have liked to have been the guy that witnessed it. Would you have? Because then I would know if there's any fucking credibility. Oh, you yeah. I mean, I mean, is this is this a guy that has real stringy cum that he put a fucking fan behind? Well, also when was this? He took a DeWalt fan.

SPEAKER_03 26:21

I feel like a guy launched it with this gotta be old, because I I feel like a guy named Horst was born in the 1800s.

SPEAKER_09 26:29

Yeah, there ain't been a lot of Horsts lately. Shit. Uh, it's gonna give me a year.

SPEAKER_03 26:34

It's gotta give me a year, dude. In a video, come on.

SPEAKER_09 26:38

I would watch the video if there was a video. Not the fake Pornhub ones. If hor if it was Horst Schultz and he showed his ID.

SPEAKER_02 26:48

Showed his ID.

SPEAKER_09 26:49

I would want to watch him shoot a shot of cum potentially 18 feet. Yeah, it sounds fucking crazy. I can't you're out of your mind if you don't you're down in the end.

SPEAKER_03 26:58

This is a bullshit, bro. There's no way. You can't give me a year.

unknown 27:02

Wait.

SPEAKER_09 27:03

Wait, no, Google Google Horst Schultz.

SPEAKER_03 27:06

It came. No, this is no. It says that the oldest digital mention of Schultz uh appears to come from a 2005 Yahoo Answers thread. We just got duped. Yeah. That's a reliable that's the most reliable.

SPEAKER_09 27:24

Well, on my fucking uncle's MySpace page, he said that he shot one 21 times. Oh fuck you, horse cheer. On his Facebook page, he swore he swore in confidence to me that he shot a load of cum 23 feet four. Because he loved Colby and Michael, and he wanted to have 234.

SPEAKER_03 27:44

And I'm like, I'm 13. Why are you telling me this?

SPEAKER_09 27:46

I was like, dude, stop. What the fuck is Jizz?

SPEAKER_03 27:51

What is Jizz? And he said, I'll show you. We got a new soundboard, guys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 28:00

How about I'm gonna have to fuck around and find one with more shit on one screen.

SPEAKER_03 28:05

Yeah, that's the only problem.

SPEAKER_09 28:06

This one has like literally every sound.

SPEAKER_03 28:09

It's got everything.

SPEAKER_09 28:10

It's got uh here's a uh But it's got too much, is what it means. That's fucking gay. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard. Bowling! Do bowling! Nope. That was cool.

SPEAKER_03 28:26

Why did it hit a pan? It sounded like it like literally, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 28:31

It's cancer. Here's a dude. This is fucking welcome to the horrible hang, guys.

SPEAKER_03 28:38

Welcome to the horrible hang in. This is the new permanent home for the horrible hang.

SPEAKER_09 28:43

Welcome again. Welcome. Wait, what are we gonna call the stew? The stew? I don't know. What's the name? What kind of studios? What what's the is it the podcast factory? That's probably been taken. Yeah. Podcast sweatshop that comes out once every fucking month.

SPEAKER_03 28:59

The brothel?

SPEAKER_09 29:00

The brothel? The pod bra? The pod brothel? Podbra.

SPEAKER_08 29:04

Podbra. Pod bra. Pod bra? Come on, bra.

SPEAKER_07 29:06

We got the pod bra. Yeah, bob.

SPEAKER_03 29:12

Fucking uh boy. Quit fucking 15 year olds in there. I had an idea where I was uh I was thinking about Mr. Rogers. You ever watch Mr. Rogers when you were a kid? No. Never?

SPEAKER_09 29:26

Yeah, I probably I think I've seen a couple.

SPEAKER_03 29:27

Okay. I mean, I never I watched like a couple of them.

unknown 29:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 29:31

But he's always known for being like the most wholesome guy. Yes, of course. I know about him. Yeah. Why I think it'd be funny if he was like like a sexual deviant. You know what I mean? Of course. I feel like he would like jerk off with his mouth open. Isn't that guy already Pee-Wee Herman though?

SPEAKER_09 29:49

Yeah, that is, but he's like Oh, he's he wasn't like super clean cut like Mr. Rogers, though. So no, I'm wrong. No, I'm wrong. Sorry, my bad, my bad. I do that a lot. At least I get yelled at by my girlfriend for doing that a lot.

SPEAKER_03 30:00

I just imagine him like slowly pulling his pants down like with his thumbs. He's just like swinging his hips back and forth as he pulls them down.

SPEAKER_09 30:08

He's like doing like the hot girl.

SPEAKER_03 30:09

Yep. Inching her ass. A wonderful day for a neighbor.

SPEAKER_09 30:18

I want to know the song so we can make funny songs about it. Come over here and suck my cock.

SPEAKER_03 30:25

Or like, what if he like what if like sexual Mr. Rogers worked like HR at like some company? His like you go on his LinkedIn and it's like it's literally like him with holding his cock and it's just hard as fuck in front of the camera. And then then the bit behind that is his face with his tongue sticking out.

SPEAKER_09 30:44

He's just like and he's doing like the devil horn and then the devil horn like rock on. But he's still got just like the collar of the shirt.

SPEAKER_03 30:56

He goes through a lot of baby oil for some reason.

SPEAKER_09 31:00

There's just always a every ever once a week there he's got like a smaller trash recycle bin that the guy that the machine doesn't pick up, the arm on the truck doesn't pick up, so he has to hop out and empty out like 12 Johnson and Johnson twice the bottles every week. He's like, This guy's a real dry motherfucker, man.

SPEAKER_03 31:19

Start buying bulk, dude. Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_09 31:21

Go to Sam's Club, get a tub.

SPEAKER_03 31:25

He like he he like calls two people in the office, and like one guy like has an HR complaint. He's like, Yeah, the uh the guy next to me keeps uh staring at me in packaging. He's like, Oh yeah, that's uh that's too bad. Do you uh uh you ever masturbate a lot, Mike? Make sure you're getting your loads out, make sure you're sleeping well.

SPEAKER_09 31:42

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_03 31:44

What do you do?

SPEAKER_09 31:44

What does that have to do with my wait? I thought I was in the sexual harassment department here.

SPEAKER_03 31:49

Listen, listen, I'm just saying.

SPEAKER_09 31:50

I thought I was in HR.

SPEAKER_03 31:51

If you're not emptied out, you're gonna be a little bit more on edge. You know what I mean? I'm just looking out for you, bud.

SPEAKER_09 31:56

So man to man. Are you re Are you recommending gay sex to me as a prescription?

SPEAKER_03 32:02

I could be. I imagine he just likes showing his dick root a lot. You know, the dick root.

SPEAKER_09 32:09

This is a lot of information. I'm gonna have to go.

SPEAKER_03 32:11

John, why are you showing me your dick root right now? I don't want to see it. It's like what I've been doing abs three days a week. Doesn't look good to you, Mike.

SPEAKER_09 32:21

Fuck a dick root, bro. I keep pubes. I'm pubey as fuck. My homeboy saw it. He's like, damn, that's a lot of pubes.

SPEAKER_03 32:33

It's a lot of pubes, but you know what? I keep them trimmed, you know what? I shaved a lightning bolt into it.

SPEAKER_08 32:40

I had my homie Miguel come over and line my pubes up.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

Yeah, you do with the little razor and the cream and everything. It looks perfect.

SPEAKER_09 32:48

He shaved lightning McQueen into my cock. And now I have a race car above my cock.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

Hmm.

SPEAKER_09 32:56

Aren't you jealous? So jealous. Imagine all the pussy I get when I just whip out ka chao.

SPEAKER_04 33:03

Kachao! Kachao, it's my cock.

SPEAKER_09 33:06

With lightning McQueen above it. With lightning McQueen. Have you ever seen a cock with lightning McQueen above it?

SPEAKER_00 33:13

I haven't.

SPEAKER_09 33:14

That's exactly. Not until now. Nobody's original like me.

SPEAKER_03 33:18

Yeah, no, this is exclusive, babe. You're never gonna meet somebody else like this. Kau. Nobody else has this. They say kaw. She's about to bust. I whisper in her ear. I say ka chao.

SPEAKER_09 33:28

I don't go. I don't say babe. I'm gonna babe. I'm gonna come. Like these fucking loser guys go. Babe, get ready for the get ready for the get ready for the kachow. Oh, that was bad. That was too close to the mic. Get ready for the kachau!

SPEAKER_02 33:45

Oh god.

SPEAKER_09 33:46

That is an appalling thrust. Oh yeah. Are you ready for the ka chow?

SPEAKER_03 33:52

Ready for the ka chow.

SPEAKER_09 33:54

Come over here and suck the chow out of my cow.

SPEAKER_05 33:57

How about oh my god, that was a bar. Holy cow. Chow was fire, dude. That was good. That was good. My cock could be my cock. That's pretty good. I'm not a rapper, bro, but I still got it.

SPEAKER_09 34:10

Do you want to make a do you want to make a Christmas album?

unknown 34:13

Christmas.

SPEAKER_03 34:13

Corrible Hand Christmas album? We could do a Corrible Hand Christmas album. I would love to. Didn't Mike Rainey make a Christmas album with this boys? Did he? A st uh stinking Christmas? He does that.

SPEAKER_09 34:23

Oh, Little Stinkers? Yeah. Oh, I don't know if they made a Christmas album. That's what I heard. I'm gonna have to check that out. Is it that or a book or something? Rugolph, would you fuck my ass tonight? Come and suck me, drive to die.

SPEAKER_03 34:37

How about how about this? How about Jack Harlow, but instead it's Jack Off, bro, and he's trying to promote guys to Jack Off more often.

SPEAKER_09 34:45

Jack Harlow gets a blue chew deal. Guys, are you fired up about yourself? Then you need blue chew because if you don't look in the mirror and get rock fucking hard.

SPEAKER_03 34:56

Hey yo, watch me smoke it, baby, but don't touch it, baby.

SPEAKER_09 35:00

Please stop giving me advice.

SPEAKER_03 35:02

Please stop giving me a bit of a device. You can do it pretty good, but I could do it more nice.

SPEAKER_09 35:13

Yeah, I mean, truly though, girls can't whack you off better than you can. I believe it. I think that can we go back to the back. What? Jack off. Jack off, bro. More.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

I think we should bring it. We should get Westside coming here for an interview. What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 35:34

It's bossing.

SPEAKER_03 35:35

It's bossing.

SPEAKER_09 35:40

We're gonna get evicted.

SPEAKER_03 35:42

I know we are.

SPEAKER_09 35:43

And I don't live here, so it's really funny.

SPEAKER_03 35:45

As long as we can tolerate it just twice a month.

SPEAKER_09 35:48

Oh bad. We should be good. I really hope on the other side of that wall is like a really impressionable young child. That we that somehow once a week we come here and fucking ruin.

SPEAKER_03 35:59

They go to school, they just repeat our bits.

SPEAKER_09 36:02

If I hear one giggle through the wall, my life's complete. We ruined it.

SPEAKER_03 36:06

He goes to school and they're like, Johnny, why aren't you talking?

SPEAKER_02 36:08

He's like, hey, yo, Westside, come, come on my lips, baby. Oh, ooh. Are you ready for the cum shot? Are you ready for the cum shot? Bitch, bitch. Come get this dick. Come get this dick. Bruh, come get this dick, bro. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 36:28

Or how about this? I came up with this too. Uh I forgot about Westside Comb, though. We should bring Westside.

SPEAKER_06 36:34

We should call him in for an interview one day.

SPEAKER_03 36:36

We should call call him in for a full interview one of these days. Alright. I was thinking this. What if you were like at Universal Studio Studios and you know how they had those like character dinners?

SPEAKER_09 36:45

That like theme park? Yeah. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:47

Yeah. What if you like Doc Brown was at the breakfast table and he's like one of the characters, but he like starts talking shit about Obama? He's like, I'm gonna go back and invent a car that could go back in time before socialism was invented. Oh boy, I can't handle this shit. Dad, can you sit next to Doc Brown? He's making me uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_06 37:11

He's pushing ideas on me. Elmer Fudd walks in.

SPEAKER_08 37:15

Oh, I'm not wait, who am I doing? You're doing Elmer. Who's Elmer Fudd? What is he sound like?

SPEAKER_03 37:21

Be very quiet. Be very quiet. You saying the N-word, they should come out at night. They're very progressive now.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

You gotta say it real quiet. They don't like those words anymore. You gotta be real careful. You gotta be careful, and they got guns too. Even the ones with purple hair.

SPEAKER_02 37:45

Even the ones that legally aren't allowed to. Some would say they have more guns.

SPEAKER_04 37:59

Oh, be very quiet. Very quiet. I own my gun legally.

SPEAKER_01 38:06

That's very smart, but they can track you down easier. Is what they'll tell you. Those aren't my words.

SPEAKER_03 38:16

What if he's hunting for like escaped Mexicans too?

SPEAKER_04 38:21

Whatever you do, don't say papers. Don't put up a help on its eye. Don't say you're looking for jobs in the kitchen. The biggest problem in this country is they're stealing jobs. But not at gunpoint with applications and standing in front of Home Depot.

SPEAKER_03 38:49

There's this girl there's this Mexican girl. I worked the other day. She was like, we I like did like a job or whatever. She's like, Kyle, you're ruining America. I'm like, oh, oh, I'm ruining America. You know who's ruining America. Jesus. I was like, that's awfully rich coming from you, tortilla people.

SPEAKER_05 39:11

It's funny.

SPEAKER_09 39:13

All jokes. Nobody's ruining.

SPEAKER_03 39:15

Nobody's ruined. And by the way, I I don't know why that's a perfect setup for a racist joke.

SPEAKER_09 39:20

So it is great.

SPEAKER_03 39:21

That's my thing. I'm the comedian. If you set me up, I'm gonna say the obvious joke. Yes. And that's your fault, not mine.

SPEAKER_09 39:30

Sometimes you you know you kick the football like you're Charlie Brown, you miss it. This is we all do. Yeah. Sometimes though, three run homer. Some that's just how it works sometimes. Dong. Um shit. First burp on the new mic.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

We haven't have you seen any movies lately? We haven't done a lot of home. Done a lot of movies. Movies. Movie ideas.

SPEAKER_09 39:54

I started The Whale. Dude, the whale's good, bro. I was into it. I love the whale. Jordy was like, you're fucked up. I mean, that's like, what the fuck are you watching? I mean, no, it's a good movie. Darren Aronofsky is one of my favorite directors ever. See, I feel like such a dumb fuck because I don't know anything about directors or their styles. I don't know what anything.

SPEAKER_03 40:11

I don't know what I just know. Like, have you heard of Rec Room for a Dream?

SPEAKER_09 40:15

No.

SPEAKER_03 40:15

Oh, okay. It's a movie about drugs. It's a really good one. Check that one out too. You know what I saw the other day? There's a newer movie. It's called Dream Scenario. Have you heard that one? It's in theaters.

SPEAKER_06 40:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:28

Yeah, it's with Nick Cage. Oh, yes. I it's yeah, it's about like, I've got to see like people, he keeps popping up in people's dreams. And at first they're all, he's just like a random character in everyone's dream. And then one girl was like, Oh, yes, I did see this. I saw this. You fucked me so good in every one of my dreams. And then like one day it's like he's turns out to be like the worst person ever. Everyone hates him. That's awesome. That's a hilarious premise, too. Well, I was thinking it'd be funny. What if you did cream scenario and it was just Nicolas Cage and he can't stop coming?

SPEAKER_05 40:58

Oh, do the face too.

SPEAKER_03 41:07

We need you to steal the Declaration of Independence.

SPEAKER_05 41:16

What'd you say? It's Renfield. It's Renfield.

SPEAKER_02 41:20

It was just in that one. Renfield Dracula, we need you to teach your son-in-law your ways.

SPEAKER_03 41:35

Broke character there. Nick!

SPEAKER_09 41:43

I don't have anything. I was just excited to say Nick.

SPEAKER_03 41:46

That's a sound that I don't think our old microphones could pick up perfectly. No, no.

SPEAKER_09 41:50

No. Thank God a lot of faith in these new puppies.

SPEAKER_03 41:54

Jeez Louise. What other movies is Nick Cajun that he could just leaving Las Vegas?

SPEAKER_09 42:00

Leaving Las Vegas.

SPEAKER_03 42:02

I mean, he basically does that in that movie, though, anyway, doesn't he?

SPEAKER_09 42:06

Yeah, that's I like that one a lot.

SPEAKER_03 42:09

I saw it a long time ago. That's the one where he just gambles a whales and he's like, I'm just gonna fucking drink myself too much.

SPEAKER_09 42:13

Yeah, just like kills himself in Las Vegas. Yeah, dude. That's kind of how every Vegas trip should end, I feel like. It really is. It's such a wonderful place.

SPEAKER_03 42:20

Faceoff, he was in face off. I'm trying to think something. I have something good at the tip of my toe. It's with uh it's with John Tavolto. They switch faces. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if they did like what if they did like a uh collab with uh cream scenario? And he can't stop coming on to everyone's face. Everyone's everyone's face.

SPEAKER_09 42:48

He's jerk face off. Wait, he's coming, but the other guy with the other face is the one that shoots a load and he's just kind of a soft penis.

SPEAKER_03 42:57

Well, he can't really do anything because he's getting the facial transplant and he's on the operating table. And maybe Nick Cage is a surgeon and he's just coming out. I don't fucking know this is horrible.

SPEAKER_09 43:09

Horrible hang, baby.

SPEAKER_03 43:13

I hope everyone is getting the face I'm envisioning when Nick Cage is coming, by the way.

SPEAKER_05 43:18

It's just letting his teeth show. It's really good. So into that face. I want to come with that face.

SPEAKER_03 43:28

That's how I'm gonna come from now on.

SPEAKER_05 43:29

That's the worst face.

SPEAKER_03 43:30

It's a horrible fucking face.

SPEAKER_05 43:32

Could you imagine a girl looking at you and you're like busting in her mouth, and you're just like, or how about this?

SPEAKER_03 43:38

How about instead of Heath Ledger, it's Heath Edger.

SPEAKER_05 43:41

Oh Heath Edger, and he almost killed himself.

SPEAKER_03 43:44

Yeah, because he never busts. Yeah, he only just comes close to it. Or he almost died. Whereas Nick Cage is actually coming consistently.

SPEAKER_09 43:52

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick Cage gets there. He gets the job done.

SPEAKER_03 43:55

Yeah, but Heath Edger can't quite get there.

SPEAKER_09 43:57

Heath Edger.

SPEAKER_03 43:58

He's more like

SPEAKER_09 44:03

Yeah, he's like a small dog. He's like a cute laugh dog because all the girls love him.

SPEAKER_03 44:06

Yeah, he's like but can't really get the job done.

SPEAKER_09 44:11

Not a finisher. He's two inning.

SPEAKER_03 44:13

Yeah, he can't finish it.

SPEAKER_09 44:14

There's seventh inning relievers and there's closers. Okay, not everybody can be a closer. You need a guy in the sixth.

SPEAKER_03 44:24

Oh fuck. Dude, I thought I had more, bro. All right, Andy. No more using the N-word. I told you. I told you. You can't do that. I cannot quit it. I'm putting my foot down on these N-words. Wait, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Derek Chauvin said that. Not me.

SPEAKER_09 44:45

Derek Chauvin mentioned.

SPEAKER_03 44:49

Oh boy. What is this? Act three, huh? Act three. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

SPEAKER_09 44:54

Wait, what just happened? I just get fucked. I think I just got fucked. You checking bets? Yeah. Punt is oh, so that counts as a punt. Fuck yeah. Fucking hey, dude. Welcome to the Horrible Hang. Welcome back. Reimagined.

SPEAKER_03 45:12

Coming to you live from the Bro, my fucking buddy got nickelback stuck in my head the other day. Uh-oh. And now I'm fucking listening to it. Like, actually, like unironically, I was listening. I was relating to the lyrics the other day. And I'm not happy about it.

SPEAKER_09 45:27

Dude, it's not as bad as we once uh dude.

SPEAKER_02 45:30

I don't know. Prison gates won't open up for me unless I have sex with this 12-year-old.

SPEAKER_08 45:40

See the American chaps are lucky. They got the fuck younger.

SPEAKER_03 45:43

See, they got the fuck much younger. In fact, I think they got to fuck whatever age they wanted.

SPEAKER_08 45:49

It's fucking incredible, really. I can't you can't even imagine the group that, you know, like a nickelback, how many fucking potentially how many 12-year-olds did they hit through.

SPEAKER_03 45:58

Ideally, ideally, I would say the ripe age is fucking like probably 16 years old. But that's ripe. Now I'm a little different. I like a little firmness to my fruit. So I'm gonna go a couple years younger. But that's just my personal preference.

SPEAKER_09 46:16

Well, really, the guy that is hailed in the highest regard. I know you're a little bit of an amateur with this kind of stuff, but the guy that's held in the highest regard to us as far as the Americans go is Michael Jackson because he got a woman to have three children with him. And then while he was a known homosexual man, yes. Which is very impressive.

SPEAKER_03 46:36

Very impressive.

SPEAKER_09 46:37

Yes, he they would use a turkey baster, he would jack off into a guy's ass. And then you know they would extract it.

SPEAKER_08 46:46

Yes, extraction, that's a great word. Thank you, you can't. They would extract it, and then they would put the shitty baster with the cum into the wife's pussy.

SPEAKER_09 46:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:56

And but don't you think that would give the white beast infection?

SPEAKER_09 47:00

Well, it's uh she was not the concern. The concern was Michael.

SPEAKER_03 47:04

She did not consent, is what you're saying.

SPEAKER_09 47:07

No, well, I'm not really sure on the total.

SPEAKER_03 47:10

Back in those days, you didn't really need that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_09 47:12

I didn't really need that. The base to the base of barely needed to penetrate.

SPEAKER_03 47:16

We both know I would have the money.

SPEAKER_09 47:18

But they didn't they did it on, you know, the every few year cycle where he would just have some fresh new, he would have, you know, a couple different age ranges at all times.

SPEAKER_00 47:26

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_09 47:26

And then when the children got older, he you know got in touch with that doctor. And he just he killed himself. He did not overdose. He was not she was not going to give him any more children like that. So he said, Well, I can't run the risk.

SPEAKER_00 47:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 47:40

And he killed himself, Michael Jackson.

SPEAKER_03 47:42

Michael Jackson's little known factor. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that. But it actually reminds me that he was one of the first musicians that I feel like really was the first to say something about how we should we should appreciate these younger children, right? And how they give us so many ideas for art, right? In fact, it gave me an idea for a stage design I had, in which it was gonna be the stage was in the middle of the stadium, they'd be shooting fires up in the front, and then there's a whole cloud of smoke, right? And once the cloud of smoke disappears, you see a row of 10 young children uh that are like statues all in a row.

SPEAKER_09 48:22

And it's all kind of like holographic.

SPEAKER_03 48:25

But they're actual statues, right? And it's made clearly to the audience that they're each like 15 years old.

SPEAKER_09 48:32

Okay. So they've got like they've got like their sophomore shirt on from the school. Okay. That's pretty well a good way to make it clear.

SPEAKER_03 48:40

A lot of them have braces on, actually.

SPEAKER_06 48:42

Okay. Okay, and then what happens?

SPEAKER_03 48:44

A lot of them you could tell just by the shape that a lot of them haven't fully grown into their body yet.

SPEAKER_06 48:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 48:50

But again, you know, that's almost the beauty of it.

SPEAKER_09 48:54

Yeah, I mean, that's kind of I guess, you know, I don't really speak to that. I have given that lifestyle up, as we have discussed previously on this podcast. Um, but yeah, some would say that that would be that would be one of the positive factors, is the um allure. Yes, obviously we don't be we don't condone.

SPEAKER_03 49:12

But again, like we said, it was the 70s at the time.

SPEAKER_09 49:15

Yes, we're talking about this is not an idea for a set design right now. It's this was this it's most mostly set design posthumous, really, for the era.

SPEAKER_03 49:27

Yes, yes. And I was uh but the reason that they noted the laughs and otherwise we put the great stairs. Yeah, you're yeah, we've done we went a little too long without any laughs in there.

SPEAKER_02 49:39

We got way too in the bit.

SPEAKER_05 49:42

We're just too British bad files.

SPEAKER_02 49:45

We're just too bro, people are gonna be into this.

SPEAKER_03 49:48

What the fuck is this bullshit? I'm calling it a big thing.

SPEAKER_09 49:52

This is a weird one, but it's fun. We're having more fun now.

SPEAKER_03 49:55

This is fun.

SPEAKER_09 49:56

This is I don't know if it's fun for the listeners, but I don't give a fuck about the piece of shit listeners.

SPEAKER_06 50:02

I know you don't, but fucking they don't care about me, so I don't care about them. My fans don't really fucking dude.

SPEAKER_03 50:14

I don't know, dude. My birthday's coming up. Birthday? We should get fucked up into a pod. And just like really like no bitch, just fucking riff the whole thing.

SPEAKER_06 50:24

That would be fucking sick.

SPEAKER_03 50:27

That would be dope.

SPEAKER_06 50:28

You know what I was thinking under the influence, dude. Get fucking wee.

SPEAKER_03 50:33

It would either be great or horrible. But even if it was horrible, we didn't have to fucking.

SPEAKER_07 50:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:38

But actually, I actually had another idea for what we could do is uh the color purple remake actually comes out on Christmas, right? And what I was thinking is we can you you can actually rent out a theater to yourself. Everyone pitches in a little bit, you pay like fucking, I don't know, it's a few hundred bucks or something.

SPEAKER_09 50:57

That's actually I've I've always been into the idea of renting a theater out. Renting a theater out of having a gay orgy in it. Is that what you're proposing for your birthday?

SPEAKER_03 51:04

Well, I'm saying we see the color purple, but we're the only ones in the theater, right? So we can actually hear what's being said in the movie.

SPEAKER_00 51:19

God damn it.

SPEAKER_09 51:22

I should have caught I should have picked up on that one earlier.

SPEAKER_03 51:25

Well, and then and then you could just we could just commentate the whole movie.

SPEAKER_09 51:31

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:32

I like that idea. Although I think it would be a little peculiar. Five white dudes can't showed up to AMC running out the color purple. That might raise a couple of red flags for some of the people there.

SPEAKER_09 51:47

And the only thing we we requested is that they stocked up on peanut MMs. We want 500 boxes of peanut MMs. Don't get bags, don't get any bigger. We all want MMs out of the box. Nope.

SPEAKER_03 52:01

And every one of us brought our own personal seasoning of popcorn. I brought mango habanero. I opened my jacket pocket, I took a little double take, pulled out some Dano seasoning. A little bit of Creole seasoning.

SPEAKER_09 52:20

I've got a little bit of horseradish to dip them in.

SPEAKER_03 52:22

A little bit of tappate all for the for the popcorn.

SPEAKER_09 52:27

Don't mind me as I sit over here and dip my candies into ranch. This is white culture. This is white culture. Is ranch a white people thing? I mean they say it is, but I think everyone eats ranch. They say that that is? Yeah. Okay. I see, I have never heard that, and I was just like, I bet that's some white shit because I don't like it. I don't like a lot of white shit.

SPEAKER_03 52:48

But you know what's weird though? It's weird that they say, okay, black people like chicken, white people like ranch. What's one of the biggest combos? Wings and fucking ranch.

SPEAKER_09 53:00

Chicken live on ranches.

SPEAKER_03 53:01

So like whoa. Think about it. Holy shit. Hold on to it. Wow, that's probably the smartest thing we've said in this last hour.

SPEAKER_09 53:13

Wait a second. Chickens live on Fuck me. It shut off.

SPEAKER_03 53:17

Chickens live in coops. Not the cool ones. Not the ones with the rims.

SPEAKER_09 53:24

Cool ranch. Cool ranch. Cool ranch taritos.

SPEAKER_03 53:28

Cool ranch taritos.

SPEAKER_01 53:30

All I want for Christmas is my cool ranch taritos.

SPEAKER_03 53:34

Bro, yo, did you see that Josh Getty shit too? Yeah, I did.

SPEAKER_09 53:41

R.I.P. I'm willing to talk about it. He's still playing. He's still well, I guess he doesn't have any official. The family is denying to press charge that they're not willing to talk about it or press charges.

SPEAKER_03 53:52

The family of the victim's not willing?

SPEAKER_09 53:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 53:54

Really?

SPEAKER_09 53:55

Yeah. Well, maybe she liked it. I don't know. Well, the first the first comment on Twitter is always, damn, how much you pay them, bro.

unknown 54:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 54:05

But I'm pretty, I'm pretty upset with Josh Kiddie because Oklahoma City's fun young team. And that was the sports minute. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:12

With Kyle and But no, dude, I was sick, dude. I liked them. I remember when that came out, I saw an Instagram page, and it got me thinking, you know, what do Instagram fan pages do when their idol turns out to be a pedophile? Oh, I want to I want to look at them all right now. Yeah. Like you thought. The last two years, you've posted a picture of them every day just talking about how awesome they are. Just like you wake up one day, you see just like Giddy's doing that.

SPEAKER_09 54:48

What? The stand page. The stand page, yeah. It's just like a couple pictures of like Giddy doing like sweet left-handed layups. And then you just go clip of a dunk. And then it's just like it's just like Josh at Josh Giddy's super fan post. I will no longer, I will be suspending this page indefinitely. Yeah, look, look, yeah, because you as a father with children, I cannot care.

SPEAKER_03 55:14

You gotta come back to that and be like, hey guys, hear the news.

SPEAKER_09 55:21

Well, you know what?

SPEAKER_03 55:22

We're just gonna wait for our last guys.

SPEAKER_09 55:24

We're just gonna wait until all the facts come out.

SPEAKER_03 55:26

We're just gonna wait. You know, we don't know all the facts. We don't know all the facts.

SPEAKER_09 55:29

Because like Donald Trump said, Joe Biden will kill you with lemons. Maybe she's just a lying. Maybe she's just a lying bitch. I really hope it's not true because I really like Git. I like that team. And I fuck with Giddy. Yes. He's an athletic white guy.

SPEAKER_03 55:46

I haven't really seen him play, but I heard I heard good things about him. I knew by enough, one day she's gonna want to fuck me.

SPEAKER_09 55:52

Well, I'm just gonna treat her really nice, and I think eventually she's gonna come around to it when she's done with all these bad boys. Oh my gosh. She's gonna want a real man like me. That treats her right.

SPEAKER_03 56:09

Oh yeah? If women are so great, then go do a triple backflip. Oh if oh yeah, or if women are women are so great, then take accountability for actions when you're wrong.

SPEAKER_09 56:21

What did Tony Hawk do? He did like a fucking 920 or something. What the fuck? Spin, what 1440? What kind of sick ass spin did he do? Like a double spin or some shit. Triple spin. It was like a world record. He like he cried during the documentary when he was talking about really. It was awesome. Yeah, dude's rock. Have you ever seen a woman do that? No. No. No. No. Dude's rock.

SPEAKER_03 56:44

It was because women don't have to be good at shit. You just have to look pretty. You just have to listen and look good for the most part. Unless, of course, you unless, of course, you're ugly. Then you're like Tosh said, if you're an ugly woman, you're gonna have to work.

SPEAKER_09 57:02

One of the greats. Love me some Danny Tosh. Danny Tosh. You know he's got a podcast out now.

SPEAKER_03 57:09

I listened to like one episode.

SPEAKER_09 57:10

I heard, I heard it's good too. I heard he just has like random people from his life. Like he was having his wife's gynecologist.

SPEAKER_03 57:17

Yeah, I think that was the first episode.

SPEAKER_09 57:18

That's pretty crazy.

SPEAKER_03 57:19

That is pretty fun.

SPEAKER_09 57:20

I fuck with that. It's something different, you know. Oh, these fucking podcasts are just the same.

SPEAKER_03 57:25

Well, it's cool because it was a he like you you saw him do interviews on Tosh.0, and he's basically doing that same thing. So it's a lot of that. So it works, I feel like.

SPEAKER_09 57:35

Oh, that's true. He did just do it with random. I didn't even think of it like that. Wow, I get it. That's dope. Remember Krispy Kreme? Krispy Kreme? I do remember Krispy Kreme. He's froggy fresh. Made out with every girl in the world. Made out with every girl in the world. What did he say? He said he got a hundred. What the fuck did he have? Yeah, like well, I'm gonna hold on. Let's Google it. What did Crispy?

SPEAKER_03 58:09

Dude, I'm gonna drop an Oppenheimer in the toilet after we're doing this fucking podcast.

SPEAKER_09 58:15

I hope you do, dude. Let the fucking 21 gun salute go off.

SPEAKER_03 58:19

Do you know uh movie Oppenheimer is actually about the creation of the N bomb?

SPEAKER_09 58:24

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:25

Really fascinating when you look into the history of it, you know.

SPEAKER_09 58:33

And how did they create such n-bomb? Well, they cover that well, you take some big and some pot and mix it up in the pot.

SPEAKER_03 58:42

Well, they cover that in the uh sequel, they uh color purple. Oh my gosh. Callback.

SPEAKER_07 58:51

Love it.

SPEAKER_03 58:53

I I know I've said I want to do prank shows before, but like I really do. I keep coming up with ideas for them. You know, I came up with this idea for a prank show, and where it's it's like, okay, so we got a guy and we tie him to a chair, right? We put a blindfold on him, right? We put him in a dark room, right? And so in in walking in, this woman is a woman with giant tits, right? Huge, like monstrously big.

SPEAKER_06 59:18

Monstrously big, monstrously big.

SPEAKER_03 59:20

He she starts putting her tits all over on he's you know, he's getting lost in the sauce, you know, yeah, sucking on the nipple or whatever, right? Sucking on the nipple or whatever. Yes, and then once he's like fully into it, what you do is you secretly swap the giant nipple, the giant nipple tit with a naked baby. And you put the baby dick in his mouth, and then you start recording. And then the big prank is that now you're on the sex offender registry. No. Ashton Kutcher goes like, yo, you just got punked and you're a sex offender now. You're about to get punked in the ass in jail. You're gonna be you're gonna be raped in jail and never work again.

SPEAKER_09 1:00:01

You can't move into a house normal anymore. You have to tell everybody where you move.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:06

I'm all about raising the stakes because it's not a good prank if it's not, dude. What do you want to gonna put a whippy cushion under someone? No.

SPEAKER_09 1:00:14

You do need stakes.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:15

Stakes blackmail somebody. That's a real prank.

SPEAKER_09 1:00:20

Fucking that's genius.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:22

Yeah, you like it?

SPEAKER_09 1:00:25

Fuck yeah. Going to jail? Going to jail. Because of a prank? Going to jail. I can get behind that kind of shit, dude. Alright. It's all about mixing it up.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:36

It's all about mixing it up.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:40

We just lost five minutes of record time. Wait, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_09 1:00:44

There we go.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:45

There you go.

SPEAKER_09 1:00:46

Couldn't hear myself.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:47

Fucking laptop died.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:53

We're really just professional.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:56

Yeah, no, if you pay enough money for enough equipment that you really don't need, you're a professional. Oh yeah, that's what I wanted to do. Because I was telling you, I fucking um I've been watching those shorts, right? Oh yes. Yeah, and uh I fucking hate having a rehab a conversation we just had fucking five minutes ago. Pretend like it's not.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:28

This is more for us than for you right now. But it sucks.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:33

Oh yeah? Alright, well, we'll do it for fucking you guys, I guess. So, yeah, I've been watching a lot of shorts lately, and I don't know why, but I've just invested so much of my fucking time into watching like fucking short, like these little like clips about what I ate in a fucking day. Like, here, here's one of those.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:53

I'm doing catheter, I saute that in the pan with a little bit of butter and salt and pepper on each side. I'm doing four eggs scrambled into that, I added some catch.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:02

You know, just like the fucking voiceover shit. It's so fucking gay.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:06

But I can't stop watching it. That's a problem. You probably should talk to somebody. It probably should have said kill yourself.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

I don't know. But like, I have the type of brain where I can like watch stupid shit like that and just make it funny in my head. You know what I mean? So I mean that's I think why I'm able to do it. Yeah, it's a blessing and a curse for sure. But like, I think it'd be funny if there was like one where he's like going to Publix with my dad. We started off by getting some fresh cut beef. He was staring at some Koreans by the deli counter, but there's not much we could do about that. Next we went to the deli section.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:40

It just brushes right past it. Yeah, because they're always like so straight into the point. Yeah. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:47

They're always like it's all cut to just go like perfectly.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:51

Here's our dog Rufus. Here's our dog Rufus. He watches us, he watches us have gay sex. Sometimes he joins in. Sometimes when he's hungry.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:03

Sometimes when we get the condiments out, he gets a little sniffy.

SPEAKER_07 1:03:08

It's the last time we ever play with chocolate syrup.

SPEAKER_09 1:03:13

That was this is Rufus 2. He was good at first, but then it got really weird. Made him blind. Yeah, dogs eat the chalk when they go blind. Poor dogs blind.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:24

Your bet's been hidden?

SPEAKER_09 1:03:26

You know what? I don't know. I think they have been.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:28

What do you bet usually on? What app?

SPEAKER_09 1:03:30

What's the app nowadays?

SPEAKER_07 1:03:35

ESPN1 for a lot of shit. MyBucky. You ever do mybooking? No, that's a fucking fake bullshit one.

SPEAKER_09 1:03:42

Is it really? If you well, I don't know if it's fake bullshit, but when you try to deposit money in it, your bank calls you. So that's fucking gay.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:50

So it's like, yeah, what about mybussy.com?

SPEAKER_09 1:03:54

Mybussy? I have a subscription on mybussy.com. Do you really?

SPEAKER_08 1:03:59

I love it.

SPEAKER_07 1:04:00

I do secretly too.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:01

I have the yacht, the top subscription,$100 a month.

SPEAKER_07 1:04:07

Rent's a struggle, but it's worth it. Yeah, man. You're happy, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:04:12

It's just every month you get mailed in a picture of just like a mutilated vagina or dick from something. Yeah, it's a Polaroid, not even like email. You gotta like, yeah, you gotta wave it in the air.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:26

It's like it's like handwritten when they send it to you in the mail.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:33

Mybussy. Mybussy.com.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:36

Use code horrible hang on mybussy.com.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:40

Dude, I want to get sponsors so you can just fucking shit off me. We can do fake sponsors. We can do fake sponsors. Let's do fake sponsors. We are brought to you by the time.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:02

Yeah, we're tired, we have wing stopped.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:08

It was, it was. And now I'm about to leave and read it again, so I'm a fucking idiot. I haven't even shit out. I haven't even let off a loop yet out of my head to Wingstop. Nice, nice.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:21

We're gonna have fucking We're gonna have Nervous Bird versus the Italian tonight.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:26

What about how about top chef and it's just a chef that gets top tech?

SPEAKER_09 1:05:32

It's just a big chef's hat bobbing. Chef's hat bobbing. Right fucking Ramsey in the back.

SPEAKER_08 1:05:39

Oh, you need to put your neck into that cock! You need to start sucking that with your neck.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:43

You need to start sucking my Wellington. You're doing it too much with your jaw.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:47

Get your neck involved. You don't caught enough motion. I said suck it well, not cook it well. Shoulders need to be steady! Send this blowjob back right now. Need another cunt out here. I haven't seen a cock that dry in three months. What the fuck are you doing to that cock? What the fuck? You aren't sucking that cock right at all.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:11

You aren't sucking that cock right at all. I found out this too. This is a random one, but you expect these good people to stay open while we're sucking cock like this?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:21

We're sucking cock? We can't be serving food if we're busy in here sucking cock all day. Everything's free, we're closing for the night.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:29

We're closing for the night. We're not finished sucking cock in the kitchen.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:34

That's why there's stains all over the wall.

SPEAKER_09 1:06:35

These people in here don't know how to suck cock. And if you're going to get your cock sucked in my restaurant, it's going to be good. It's going to be wet. It's going to be luscious. Vigorous cock sucking action. And these people are not prepared. We're sorry, we're closed.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:53

We're sorry, we're closed. And it or how about we end it with this?

SPEAKER_07 1:06:59

Uh we're sorry we're closed. Ends podcast never posts again.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:03

How about this? I was looking at a uh I was looking at a uh spray of off the other day, you know, for mosquitoes. And it said it's good for uh mosquitoes, flies, and chiggers, which originally I thought was just black Asians. All right, that's the pod.