Pushing Back...WITHOUT Blowing up! Final Episode - Setting the Boundary Line

You know the feeling. Someone says something completely unhinged, does the thing they said they wouldn't do, or pushes you for the forty-seventh time — and you have two options: smile and slowly die inside, or absolutely lose it. But what if there's a third option? (There is. That's literally what this episode is about.) 

In this episode, we're tackling the art of pushing back without turning into a human grenade. Because here's the thing — you can disagree, hold your ground, and advocate for yourself without sending an email you'll regret, crying in a parking lot, or going full scorched earth on someone's entire existence. 

We're getting into: 

• 🔥 Why we either go silent or go supernova (and why both are exhausting)
• 🧠 What's actually happening in your body when you feel pushed to the edge
• 💬 Real words and phrases you can use to push back like a person who has it together
• 😤 How to stay calm when the other person is absolutely not calm

This one's for everyone who has ever rehearsed a conversation in the shower, chickened out in the moment, and then delivered the perfect comeback… to no one… in their car… three hours later.
 
We've been there. Let's fix that.
 
2017 TEDx Charlotte Talk, "The Gift of No" https://bit.ly/thegiftofno2017

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello, and welcome to the Life Diet 365 Podcast, the place where we detox the pressure, the people pleasing, and the patterns that keep us overwhelmed. I'm your host, Mr. Talk, and I keep my model simple. I'm not here to change your mind. I only want to offer you another perspective. And here's the truth: it doesn't take an hour-long conversation to create a shift and thinking. So whether you're driving to work, sitting in the crafting, taking a lunch break, or trying to decompress after a long day, for the next 15 minutes, this is your opportunity to breathe, reset, reflect, and reclaim yourself. So exhale, release the pressure, and let's get into it. Well, hey there, life dieters, my detoxers, my crew, my peeps. It's another episode of the Life Diet 365 podcast. And again, I'm your host, Miss Straight Talk. Hey, today we are finalizing the three-part series on setting the line, talking about boundaries. And we're going to talk about pushing back without blowing up. You can stand firm and be honest and ask for what you want without blowing up. So now you've figured out what your limits are. You've started noticing when they're crossed. Give yourself a kudos and a pat on the back for that because now you have established those boundary lines. You've maybe even done the homework from the last episode. I sure hope you did. And now it comes to that part where everyone dreads. Well, not me. Well, sometimes I do. I'm not gonna act like I always have it all together. Now you gotta say something. Now you have to speak up because now you know when the lines have been crossed. And you know what? In all honesty, maybe you're scared of the reaction. And maybe you've tried it before and another person got defensive or upset and it felt worse than if you had just said nothing. And maybe you told you're too sensitive so many times that you start to wonder if they have a point. Uh-uh. Don't buy into that. Do not buy into that. And maybe the idea of having this conversation makes your stomach hurt just thinking about it. And that is a real thing for people. That is a real anxiety for most people. All of it is so real, all of it is valid, and none of it means that you're not ready or that you you should keep waiting until the right time or the perfect time because that will never happen. Um, here's the thing I want to say, and I want to be clear about it. The discomfort doesn't go away before you do it, it goes away a little bit after, not all at once, but it will start to go away, and you will you will find yourself feeling a little bit more comfortable. And and if you do it right and you remain consistent with it, then people won't cross those lines. And the fact that they don't cross those lines means that you've done exactly what it is that you wanted to do. And so, you know, we we talked about this in the previous two episodes, and so now, you know, let's really focus on you speaking up and um getting your point across. So I want to give you um a really simple structure. I say simple, you may think it's hard. And I I find this genuinely useful, not because you you need to script every difficult conversation, because you don't, but because when you're nervous, you know, you have a loose framework or a loose idea, you know, you want to try to stay anchored in what you want to say. You want to have a good flow, you want to, you know, make sure that you get your point across and that you don't freeze up. And so here's some here's three parts to consider, and you can come up with with your own parts. I'm just I'm just giving you a guide and something to start with. And so you just do it in this format of state, explain, and request. So when you state, you name what happened or what the issue was. It's it's not an accusation because here's where people will shut down. They shut down when you you say, well, you said or you made me feel or you did. And when you change the statements to um, you know, when you send me a message at nine at night, or when you ask me to do work after work hours, or when plans change at the last minute, when comments are made about, you know, my relationships or my weight or whatever, you know, you're stating what happened. Then you explain, and then you what you're doing is you're explaining how it affects you, you know, how it makes you feel. This is the feelings piece of it. Oh, let's get all feely, feely, feely. And I know some people kind of get really weird about that. Well, I don't want to really deal with feelings, but no, that's that's how you feel it. And I know that works word makes some people like want to shut down and be done with it. But but stick with me, stick with me on this one. And I feel disrespected when I find it hard to do this when you I feel uncomfortable and honestly kind of hurt. The reason the feelings piece matters is that it's much harder to argue with an accusation. Because even though some people will try, and I'm sure we all know people that will try to argue about our feelings. If you say, if you're always saying, you know, what they're doing and how it's making you feel, then anyone that has a heart and compassion will stick with you on this. So if you say you're always doing this, that's a battle about facts. If you say I feel anxious when this happens, that's your experience. It it can't be fact-checked. So something that I always you know recommend to folks is when they are talking to someone about something that they know or feel that they did to them, you say, Well, my experience when you're when you're late makes me feel this way. My feelings when you say this to me or you treat me this way makes me feel this way because now you're just saying these are my feelings, and then that person has to kind of take that and do what whatever they want with it, but you've expressed it, and if it doesn't work in your favor, don't deal with it anymore. So then let's get on to requests. You say what you actually need, you just say, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't message me work things, you know, after hours. I appreciate it if you would show up on time. Um, I would show, I would appreciate, you know, if you give me a day's notice, if plans change, just things like that. And then no need, you know, not you don't say, I need you to be more considerate. That's vague. Because what if they don't even know what it's like to be considerate? You need something that you can actually measure, and you're measuring the expectations that you put out there. So, you know, in a work context, you can kind of you know state your needs at work, and if you're feeling that you're being taken advantage, you know, state those needs however they are. You know, maybe in a relationship, um you know, you just say, I want I want to talk about something. When I share something that's bothering me, and the conversation shifts quickly to your stuff, or you act like it's not important, I end up feeling like what I was talking about didn't matter. You know, I don't think you mean it that way, but I really value you staying with me a bit before we move on. I'd really, you know, feel you know that you would you value my input or what's going on with me if you would intently listen and not shift or not one up. Remember, we talked about the one-uppers, right? Remember that? And so with family, you know, sometimes I know that it can be hard with family, but if you take a look around, if you take a close look around, you can see that a lot of the boundaries, issues that you have are with your family members. And you'll say you can say something to them, and you, you know, you know your family, so you can kind of do the approach however. But you know, I know you didn't mean by anything bad by it, but you know, the comments that you say about this, or whenever you feel that someone's giving you unsolicited advice, you know, just say, you know, I want to be able to make my own choices, and you have a right to not agree, but let me make my own choices. Um, sometimes a shorter statement lands harder than a long explanation. You don't owe anybody a long explanation as to why you're creating boundaries, you just start doing it. And so here's gonna be the most important part of the conversation it's your tone, your tone, how you say it will matter how it's received, and so here's the thing. So let's talk about how you say it because the same sentence can be heard completely different depending on how it's delivered, and tone is probably one of the biggest ones. Now, calm, you can remain calm, but you don't have to be passive. And calm and passive are not the same thing, you can be calm and completely firm at the same time. You're not trying to punish anyone, you're not trying to win an argument, you're just stating something true about yourself and what you need. That calmness, when you can access it, it is actually really powerful. It signals that this isn't an emotional explosion, it's a decision, and decisions are harder to dismiss. That's why this title, pushing back without blowing up, this is key right here. You can be calm while still stating what matters. You know, and then timing matters. You know, I know, I know for me, and I've had to learn this. When I want to get things off my chest, I want to get it done, I want to get it over with. But maybe it's not the perfect timing for that conversation. You know, timing matters more than people think. Don't don't go out here, you know, having a conversation in the heat of the moment if you can help it. When you're already upset, maybe the other person's already upset. Um, maybe that's not a time. Maybe you just say, you know what, let's step back from this. Can we talk about this later? Or maybe you just silence yourself and say, hey, you know what? I'm just gonna collect my thoughts. Um, and when you do that, it it sends a signal instantly between the two of you, or how many other people there may be, it signals that this isn't an emotional explosion, it's a decision. Again, and decisions are hard to miss. I'm gonna say this again it's a decision, and decisions are hard to miss. And so now let's say, let's see here. You know, I want to I want to try to give you another example, but I I don't want to bombard you um with a bunch, a bunch of examples. So, you know, that was on timing. Give it some time, you don't have to wait forever, but enough time that you're coming in grounded rather than reflected. And then one more thing on delivery. You're allowed to use um hedge hedging language, which is you know, vague or less direct or um less absolute, which means that you're not really like stating this strong fact about something. You know, you can say, well, you know what? I might be wrong about this, but or this may seem small, but it's been sitting with me. That's not weak, that's interpersonal um honesty. Because you're acknowledging that you're human and you don't have a perfect ex objective about the view, um, and it can actually make the other person more respected because it doesn't feel like an attack, because as soon as someone feels as if they're being attacked, something changes. Something changes because then that can send the conversation left. And so, you know, the hard part about all of this is gathering facts because especially if you're talking to someone that you love, you don't want to hurt them. You want to make sure that you still preserve a relationship, but you still want to make sure that your boundaries um are being met. You can say your thing clearly and calmly, and then you give them room to respond. Don't fill the silence with backtracking or over-explaining or even trying to tell them what you think that they mean. Just let it land. Just let it land. Now, that was a scenario in case things go well. But what about when things don't go well? So sometimes you have the conversation and it goes just fine. The other person gets it, they apologize, or they adjust things and move forward. And that's that's great, you know. That's that's what you want. But sometimes, and I want to be clear with you, and I want to be honest, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the other person gets defensive. They say you're being oversensitive, bring they bring up stuff from months ago, they go into punishing you with being silent, or they cry. Oh my god, when they cry. That means there's they're shifting the attention from you to be on to them, and then suddenly you start apologizing. Um, your feelings are valid, so you they can be emotional about it, you know, all they want, but you don't don't give in to that. Don't give into that. And so here's what I would offer you know, a defensive reaction is often not actually about you, it's about them when people feel criticized, even when the criticism is fair and is genuinely delivered. You've done everything you could to genuinely deliver it, but they go go into a protective mode, and that's human. Doesn't mean that you did anything wrong, doesn't mean that you shouldn't have said what you wanted to say, it means they need time to process it, and there is nothing wrong with that. And if they go into that emotional bed about crying or blaming, you just have to find a way to say, you know, hey, we can talk about this another time. We can talk about it when you're ready, because when you leave that space, it gives that person time to go back and think about it. What you can do in that moment, just definitely stay calm, stay brief, and don't get pulled into any kind of debate about whatever. If you feel that your experience is valid, you stand, you stand firm. It your your feelings are your feelings. You don't have to win an argument about whether what you felt was right. You don't. And you just say, I'm not trying to attack you. I'm just sharing how this has made me feel. I'm just sharing with you the experience that I had when you said or when you did, whatever it may be. And then if the conversation isn't going anywhere useful, I think we should come back to it when we both had enough time to think about it. I think that's fair, don't you? I mean, I'm asking you that question, listener. Don't you think that's fair? And so, now what do you do when someone just doesn't respect the limit, even after you've clearly stated it? That's where it gets harder. Because setting a limit is actually a two-part thing. You communicate it and then you follow through with on the consequences if not respect it. Without the follow-through, the limit doesn't have any real weight. People will continue to do what they've been doing, they'll continue to say what they've been saying. And that might mean leaving the conversation, it might mean reducing contact. Depends on the relationship and the severity of the breach. But here's the truth I want you to think about. You cannot force anyone to respect your limits. What you can control is what you do when they don't. And sometimes what you do is reassess how much of yourself you're giving to a relationship that doesn't make room for you to have needs. That is real right there. You your relationships should have room for you to have needs. So I want to spend some time on something about something no nobody almost talks about in the context. Um, and I think that I might actually be the most, it might be the most important piece is limits with yourself. Limits with yourself. You can create these boundaries on other people, but what about the limits and the boundaries for yourself? So we're also not holding ourselves to boundaries. You know, we overcommit, we say yes to things before we even check to see if we've even had the capacity to do it because we hate the idea of disappointing. We've already had that conversation. We've talked about burnout and the people pleaser. We take on other people's emotions, treating their anxiety as our problem to solve and their moods as our responsibility to manage. We self-neglect, we easily, easily self-neglect because it's so easy to get sucked into someone else's stuff. We put everyone else's needs at the top of the list and ours at the very bottom. And then wonder why we're running on empty. So holding a limit with yourself, you know, might look like you know, just not checking your phone or always being available or saying yes so quickly. Those things are simple. You have to figure out what in your life you're not holding a limit to. You're allowed to have needs. And holding a limit means being honest with yourself about what you actually want versus what you think you should want. There's a difference. Sometimes the limit you need to set isn't with another person, it's with the version of yourself that's still performing for an audience that isn't even watching anymore. You're allowed to have it, you're allowed to be tired, you're allowed to say not right now. And so I just want to wrap this three-part series up. Said, you know, we arrived at, we started out with, you know, setting the line and just understanding what a boundary was. And I want to take a moment just to bring it all together. We talked about in episode one, we figured out what the limits are. Episode two, we went into recognition, and today we talked about action. And I want to leave you with this a life with healthy limits doesn't look perfect. It doesn't mean you never say yes when you're tired, or never overextend, or never let something go that probably needs to be addressed. It means you're a little more honest, a little more present to your own experience, a little quicker to notice when something is off, and a little more willing to do something about it. Some relationships will get better and others won't. But setting the line is not about protect, is not about protecting yourself from the world. It's about being able to show up in it honestly. And honestly, that is the whole thing. I hope that you've enjoyed this three-part conversation on boundaries and that you have gained something from it. I would love to hear from you. Uh subscribe, follow, join, and share. And I'm looking forward to to being with you and you joining me in the next upcoming episodes of the Life Diet 365 podcast. I'm your host, Miss Straight Talk. Take care. Bye-bye. And just like that, another conversation, another perspective, and hopefully another step toward reclaiming yourself. Listen, every time you say yes to everybody else at the expense of yourself, you are teaching people that your boundaries are negotiable. Listen, constantly sacrificing yourself to keep everybody else comfortable will eventually leave you emotionally comfortable. You do not have to comment on your pain, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.