Ep 1 - Before You Hire a Matchmaker, Listen to This, Ladies!

Thinking of hiring a matchmaker? Listen here first! This is episode 1 of a 4-part series on What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker. 

Episode 1 gives you an inside look on traditional matchmaking - how it operates and who is involved when men are the clients. This basic foundation is key to understanding how the dynamics are affected when women foot the bill, instead of the men. 

• What kind of men hire matchmakers? 
• Why do they need help finding wives? 
• How does matchmaking even work? 
• Why do women say yes to matchmakers asking them to meet their clients? 

Listen and learn, ladies, to this series from Los Angeles matchmaker Helen Asuncion, so you can equip yourself to create the life partnership you've been dreaming about. For one-on-one help that will give you actionable steps to implement right now, book a Deep Dive with Helen at https://calendly.com/matchedbyhelen

Transcript

Episode 1: Before You Hire a Matchmaker, Listen to This!
What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker

Speaker: Helen Asuncion | Matchmaker & Dating Coach | www.goodheartsmeet.com

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INTRODUCTION

Hello, ladies! Welcome and thank you for joining me on this series called What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker. My name is Helen Asuncion. I am a matchmaker here in sunny Southern California. I have worked as a recruiter, a dating coach, and a matchmaker for some of the biggest names in the business.

My current focus is in education, empowering a new generation of community-minded matchmakers, and helping the next wave of AI dating and matchmaking apps in the fight against what I call the dating apocalypse. If you or anyone you know is a superconnector, a community organizer, an event host, or a tech person who is interested in getting involved, please reach out or encourage them to reach out at goodheartsmeet@gmail.com.

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WHY THIS SERIES EXISTS

Now let's jump straight into the topic: what women need to know before hiring a matchmaker.

When I started matchmaking professionally, every matchmaker I knew warned me not to take female clients. This came up often because the first company I worked for actually specialized in female clients — so I got to see firsthand that everything those matchmakers warned me about was true.

Why? That is the question. In this series, I'm going to pull back the veil on why that is the case. It's offensive to me. I try to fight it, and I think a lot of other matchmakers do too. But ultimately, the differences between serving a female matchmaking client versus a male matchmaking client are just the visible surface. Underneath, there is so much more going on — and that is what we're going to dig into in this series.

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WHAT MATCHMAKING LOOKS LIKE WHEN THE CLIENT IS A MAN

Before we get into why it's different when the client is a woman, we're going to back up and look at what matchmaking looks like when the client is a man — because that has generally been the industry norm. Not even two full years ago, the majority of matchmaking clients were still male.

For a man hiring a matchmaker, the formula is typically straightforward. He is financially stable — because matchmaking isn't cheap. He is serious about marriage. And he wants to meet a woman who is nice, cute, and also marriage-minded.

Male matchmaking clients can vary in age. They can be as young as 21 — common in more religious or conservative families, or among the very wealthy. I'm actually seeing more young clients today, not fewer, because it is increasingly difficult for them to find partners who take marriage seriously when planning their future. This is true even for religious communities across the developed world.

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WHY PEOPLE KEEP MATCHMAKING A SECRET

One interesting thing about matchmaking: most clients keep it private. People who have plastic surgery or use IVF rarely feel they need to hide it — but when someone uses a matchmaker or a dating coach, there is a prevailing belief that we should be able to find our romantic partners without help.

That's actually the subject of another episode, because historically that has not been the case at all. While the biological urge to mate and procreate is natural, there is no biological instinct for choosing a good mate. For most of history, across time and cultures, women didn't have a choice in selecting a partner. So it makes sense that we know what we're attracted to, but aren't always naturally equipped to attract, discern, and commit to the right person.

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THE THREE TYPES OF MALE MATCHMAKING CLIENTS

Let's talk about the three main types of male matchmaking clients. I think you'll recognize these men from people you've met or dated.

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Type 1: The Lost Prince

He is the most universally popular type among female clients — practically every woman who comes to us asks to meet someone like him.

He is handsome, eligible, well-mannered, never married, no kids. His only flaw is that he has dated so many beautiful, accomplished women that he never took marriage seriously enough. Now the next thing he knows, he's had a gorgeous woman on his arm at every stage of life, but they've all started to look and sound the same, and he has no idea how to choose a wife.

It's like being in a perfume shop and trying to pick out a fragrance after smelling so many that your nose gives out — even the coffee beans they give you to reset your palate don't work. You're just tired. That's usually the condition the Lost Prince is in when he comes to us.

It's actually very easy to match him. The line of women who want to meet him is endless. The work is in the vetting, but it is never impossible.

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Type 2: The Often Overlooked

He doesn't have much dating experience. He's usually in his 20s or early 30s, earnest and serious — which is exactly why women his age tend to overlook him. He doesn't peacock, he doesn't lie, he doesn't brag, he doesn't flirt.

One of the key components to a man having a lot of success with women is, unfortunately, a willingness to be dishonest. Most of us grow out of falling for that, but it's worth being aware of.

How I help the Often Overlooked: first, I filter out women who aren't interested in marriage — either anytime soon or as a matter of principle. Since he wants to marry and build a family, he should not be spending time on dates with women who aren't on the same path.

I also filter for women who are both romantic and practical — women who consciously value dependability in a man over thrilling but unstable personality traits. Life is hard enough without introducing a high-drama partner into the mix.

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Type 3: The Acceptable Condition

This is the largest category of men who come to matchmakers. You've probably met him through the apps and given him a chance. He passes all the tests on paper, but he has a few visible flaws — some apparent deal-breakers — and he just doesn't have enough going for him yet to tip the balance in his favor.

He's the guy you wished could have won you over because he's dependable and not bad, but he just wasn't able to pull it off. And that's not your fault — it's entirely on him.

These clients require the most work, but they are still matchable. The work is in coaching them, polishing them up. In earlier generations, a wife or long-term partner would naturally invest in helping a man grow into his best self. That dynamic has largely disappeared. But since he doesn't have a partner doing that work for him, his friendly neighborhood matchmaker steps in. Once that work is done, he does great — and he starts locking down the relationships he'd been struggling to hold onto all along.

One thing to keep in mind: if a man is very good at attracting and dealing with women, it's because he's had a lot of practice. It does not come naturally to people. It is always a sign of significant experience.

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WHY MATCHMAKING WORKS FOR MEN

My goal with these illustrations is to help you understand why men who come to matchmakers need help — and how we provide it.

A big part of being a matchmaker is having open, honest conversations with the women we're introducing our clients to. That helps women feel comfortable, process information, and make educated decisions. The man is not out there alone — he has someone in his corner, and that makes a real difference. For the most part, women do say yes to meeting my clients when I've done my job correctly.


GAMING THE "WISHLIST"

We all say we want someone handsome, strong, and wealthy — but those qualities are largely subjective. If he's attractive to you, strong enough to take care of you, and works hard enough to support the life you want, then by your own definition, he is handsome, strong, and wealthy. All of us could have someone amazing. It really comes down to identifying what we absolutely need versus what we've been conditioned to think we deserve.


WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

More than almost anything else, women care about having a partner who is financially stable and hardworking — someone who won't leave them vulnerable. We don't fear a shortage of laughter or having children who aren't six feet tall. We fear poverty, instability, and danger. That's not being shallow — that's being biologically wired to value safety and sustenance.

What that means for matchmaking is that as long as a man is competent, hardworking, patient, and generous, many women will accept him once they've gotten to know him. The problem is that the getting-to-know-him part has been badly damaged by dating apps, which trained people to think we can go from strangers to marriage-material by swiping. You can't realistically assess lifetime partnership compatibility on a first date with someone whose last name you don't even know.

Matchmakers get to know our clients' character, background, trustworthiness, and income — and that takes time and experience to evaluate well. We meet and talk to a large volume of singles across different demographics, age groups, ethnicities, and religions. That depth of exposure is exactly why matchmaking works for men.


ALIGNMENT <3

To sum it up: men are easier to match because they genuinely need help and are receptive to receiving it. And the reason it works on the other side is that women are responsive to it. Women value stability, dependability, honesty, and transparency. When someone helps them get to know a man better from the start — including his family background, his character, his intentions — they appreciate having that advantage. Once a woman can see a man's genuine qualities, she can more easily extend grace around his visible flaws.

As someone who has been married for 16 years, I find it genuinely romantic to make these connections. For every man I successfully match, that is one woman who has found her forever home — one future family, one or two future happy kids, because the partnership is healthy and both people value what they've found in each other.

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WHAT'S COMING NEXT

In the next episode, we're going to have a bit less fun — because that's when we dive into what matchmaking looks like when the client is a woman. We'll look at what female matchmaking clients want, what they ask for, and how men actually respond to that.

In the meantime, if you have any questions, visit my website at goodheartsmeet.com. You can also book a deep-dive session — an in-depth, individualized analysis of where you are and what you've tried so far. One hour will get you ready and moving in the right direction.

Thank you so much for joining me today. We'll see you next week for episode two. This is Helen Asuncion, matchmaker from sunny California. Wishing you a great week.