Ep 3 - How do Men REACT to Female Matchmaking Clients?

What Women Need To Know Before Hiring A Matchmaker

Episode 3: How do Men React when Matchmakers Approach Them for Female Clients?

• What Kind of Men React Positively
• What Kind of Men React Negatively
• The Number One Reason Men Respond Badly, and Why That's Good News for YOU

Listen and learn, ladies, to this series from Los Angeles matchmaker Helen Asuncion, so you can equip yourself to create the life partnership you've been dreaming about. For one-on-one help that will give you actionable steps to implement right now, book a Deep Dive with Helen at https://calendly.com/matchedbyhelen

Transcript

Episode 3: Do Men Reject Female Matchmaking Clients?
What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker

Speaker: Helen Asuncion | Matchmaker & Dating Researcher | GoodHeartsMeet.com

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INTRODUCTION

Hello, ladies! Welcome to episode three of our series, What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker. This is Helen Asuncion. I am a matchmaker and I've spent the last six years researching the impacts of what I call the dating apocalypse. You can learn more about me and my work by visiting GoodHeartsMeet.com.

If you're just joining the series: in episode one, we looked at traditional matchmaking, where the client is generally a man seeking a wife. In episode two, we explored how the dynamics fall apart when the client is a woman seeking a husband. Today, we're going to get into the reasons behind those consequences.

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WHY MATCHMAKING WORKS FOR MEN (QUICK RECAP)

Matching men works because so many women are willing to meet them. There are a lot of women who want marriage, are overwhelmed or turned off by dating apps for good reason, and appreciate the chance to meet a man who has been vetted by another woman — one who values marriage enough and is financially successful enough to have hired a matchmaker.

Since the type of woman who appreciates all that is exactly the type of woman a male matchmaking client is looking for, there's alignment.

Unfortunately, that alignment doesn't work the same way when you flip it around. The type of men that female matchmaking clients want don't want to meet female matchmaking clients. And the type of men who happily agree to go on free dates with women who have paid for the privilege don't tend to be the type who win over female matchmaking clients.

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WHY ELIGIBLE MEN SAY NO TO MATCHMAKERS

Eligible men — I call them keepers — don't just politely decline when approached by a matchmaker. They completely shut down. Their facial expressions change. They're suddenly in a hurry to leave or end the conversation. If I had a great relationship with a man before, one of the fastest ways to damage it is by pitching him as a match for a female client. They are simply not having it.

So let's talk about why.

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REASON 1: PHOTOS ARE FLAT. YOU AREN'T.

There is a fundamentally large flaw in the introduce-singles-via-photos method.

If you asked me, "How can I introduce myself to a man in a way that is least likely to excite or interest him?" — my answer would be: take a photo and reduce yourself to a flat image that doesn't shimmer, glow, shine, bounce, laugh, whisper, or smell good.

It's not that men can't feel attracted through photos. But it takes an overtly sexy or cute image to stir their interest. If they look and don't feel that response, they're not interested.

Men are, at their core, oriented toward physical attraction. Think of it this way: in school, academics fill most of the day and recess is a small slice. For many women, sex is the recess — it's enjoyable, but the rest of the relationship fills most of the day. Men would prefer recess all the time. Even the most disciplined, serious men are factoring in physical attraction when pursuing a potential partner. It is always a component when dealing with men in a personal, non-professional capacity.

Understanding this keeps you both safe and aware of your advantages. If a man is interested in you romantically, he is also interested in you physically — the two will always go together. If he is interested only physically, he may have no romantic interest at all. Being able to read those signals — the look in his eye, the way he speaks to you, what he says — helps you assess not just his character but his intentions.

So: if you came across as overtly sexy or cute in photos, you likely wouldn't need a matchmaker in the first place. That's not an insult — women who attract a lot of male attention through photos face a whole different set of challenges. It's not all easy.

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REASON 2: THE FERTILITY KNOWLEDGE GAP - MEN VS WOMEN.

This is an important public service announcement.

Women tend not to research their fertility options until they're already past their peak fertility window — and when they do, most of their information comes from the very clinics that profit from selling them services. That's a significant conflict of interest.

The IVF and fertility industry is entirely privately owned and largely self-regulated. Referral networks and financial incentives link doctors, egg-freezing facilities, IVF clinics, surrogacy agencies, and legal facilitators together in a chain. It is a multi-billion-dollar industry built around a moment of vulnerability.

Men, meanwhile, know the details. They know the costs, the time commitment, the success rates — which are still only around 30% — and the emotional and legal complexity of surrogacy. Women often don't have that same awareness going in.

I'm sharing this because I've seen it from behind the scenes — and because I've personally navigated my own difficult fertility journey. 

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THE GOOD NEWS

Here's the important flip side: these are the rules of a very specific, transactional world — the boutique matchmaking space. They do not apply when it's you, in real life, attracting and building a connection with your own man.

You don't need to worry about any of what I just described when you are the one doing the attracting.

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REASON 3: MEN ARE WIRED TO RESPOND TO THEIR MATE

This is my favorite reason, and the most important one.

Men may listen to their mothers or female relatives when they're young. As adults, they don't take direction from anyone unless forced or paid to — if even then. But they are hardwired and deeply predisposed to listen to their mate.

This is why societies broadly understand that communities are more stable when more men are married. Men's ideas of what constitutes a worthwhile use of time can sometimes overlap with what communities categorize as destructive behavior. A man who is motivated to provide a clean, safe, stable environment — because that's what his wife and children need to thrive — naturally channels that energy productively. It takes pressure off civic systems.

That marital bond is so fundamentally recognized that in U.S. law, a spouse cannot be compelled to testify against their partner in a court of law — but a parent can be compelled to testify against a child, and vice versa. That distinction is revealing. It acknowledges the depth and complexity of the bond between spouses — that it is not merely personal, but a community asset.

Good men are wired to want to please their mate. The other side of that is that they have zero inclination to please anyone else. So when a matchmaker approaches a man and asks him to do her a favor, he has no motivation to say yes.


ATTRACTION

Now picture this: you are standing in front of that same man. You run a hand through your hair, or swing it over your shoulder. Light is coming through the window. You're smiling, laughing, turning to talk to someone else — and now he's seeing your profile in a whole new way. You turn back, and his heart skips. There's eye contact. There's that pull.

That is attraction. That is their response when they are physically and genuinely interested. That's the first step — and that is compatibility in its most primal form.

The next step is getting to know each other, ideally within a group setting, which is the safest and most natural pace for getting to know a stranger. Then a little flirtation. And as comfort builds, you start to notice when a man is motivated to please you. He offers to get things for you. He volunteers information. He's trying to be helpful — like a squirrel bringing an acorn, or a child bringing his teacher a flower.

Can I get you a chair? Would you like a drink? Can I give you a ride?

Now contrast that with how closed and dismissive men become when a matchmaker approaches them with a printed profile. No thanks. Not my type. Not interested. Not what I'm looking for.

The same woman who could spark his interest in real life — regardless of her age, regardless of her fertility situation, regardless of every factor I mentioned — when she is presented to him by another woman who is being paid to track him down and bring him in willing and compliant, he says no.

Because your matchmaker is not the right person for the job. You are.

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YOU'RE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT

This is genuinely good news, ladies.

The right man for you is predisposed to say yes to you — to please you. It is your job to be where he is, so that he can do exactly that. And then, if you decide you want to keep him, lock it down.

I know that's easier said than done for many of you. We will go over practical tips on how to do that — not in the next episode, but in the final episode of this series.

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WHAT'S COMING NEXT

Next week, we're going to get a little dark again — talking about the ways men have changed in the post-dating-apocalypse era, and the additional damage caused by the rise of matchmakers working for women. It's important for you to understand this, because you are the ones who have to navigate these men on a personal level.

But there is always hope. There is always a light, and you can always rebuild. That is the goal of this series — and of all the work I do in this space.

If you'd like to learn more on an individual level about how to pivot your dating journey and clear the patterns you're tired of repeating, please book your deep-dive session through my website at goodheartsmeet.com.

We are also currently looking for individual or corporate donors to support a healthy dating practices curriculum we're developing for teens. Please reach out if you know anyone who might be interested in sponsoring that work.

Thank you so much for joining me today. This was episode three of What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker. I'm your host, Helen Asuncion, recording from sunny Los Angeles. Wishing you a great week.