Ep 4: TLDR - What Women Need To Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker RECAP

Thinking of hiring a matchmaker? Listen here first! This is the final episode of our 4-part series: What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker. 

Episode 4 contains: 

• Quick recap of the impact of women hiring matchmakers
• Tips for women looking to pivot and level up their search for a mate
  
  

Thanks for joining along in this series from Los Angeles matchmaker Helen Asuncion. For one-on-one help that will give you actionable steps to implement right now, book a Deep Dive with Helen at https://calendly.com/matchedbyhelen

Transcript

What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker

Series Finale — TLDR Episode

Host: Helen Asuncion — Matchmaker, Researcher & Relationship Advocate

Website: www.GoodHeartsMeet.com

Introduction

Hi ladies, welcome to the last episode of our series called What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker. I am your host, Helen Asuncion, matchmaker, researcher, and advocate for healthy and successful relationship practices. You can learn more about me and my work by visiting GoodHeartsMeet.com.

This was originally planned to be a five-part series, but I think we can wrap it all up in today’s episode. This is the TLDR version of the entire series. We’ll be talking about how men have changed since the dating apocalypse and since the sea change in matchmaking — from serving a majority of male clients to now serving a majority of women clients. And then we’re going to close out with some tips for doing better in your dating life without hiring a matchmaker.

Men Are Feeling Super Entitled

When I talk about how men have changed, I think the important thing to realize about dating apps is that they gave men way too much access to way too many women — women they wouldn’t even have gotten to talk to before the apps. They had photos, they could take screenshots - as much as they want and keep your photo in their phone. They were allowed to DM you, and a lot of women would at least respond and text back and forth. So they had access to you one-on-one, with communication and dates.

So many of these guys that women are going out to meet, you would not have met one-on-one at all before the apps.

All of this undeserved, unearned access really messed men up. A good analogy is: let’s say you really, really wanted to work at a corporation and they weren’t going to hire you, but they let you come shadow someone for a day. Then, another week they needed volunteers, so they let you come in for a week. They made you a company email account even though you’re not an employee. And then finally they told you, “Hey, look, we decided not to hire you. Please go away.” It messes you up because you’ve gotten to know their systems, you’ve gotten to role-play like you belong, you’ve gotten to know people. It would feel really hard to detach.

What we have today is a lot of men with a warped sense of their own success. They feel like they’re doing well, but they’re not — they never had any real success. Ladies, we all know that if a guy is eligible and desirable, some woman is going to lock him down. What could be worse than having a lot of guys who think they’re doing great but aren’t — feeling entitled, but also feeling frustrated and bitter — and that bitterness is wearing away at their civility, patience, kindness, and charm on dates?

I’ll tell you what’s worse: women hiring matchmakers and throwing into that mix the sentiment among men that women are so desperate they are paying to find men like him and place him across from her on a date. It puts men in a position of power. It inflates their ego even more and warps their perspective even more — even though they’re still not getting picked.

The guys who get sent out on dates with women matchmaking clients are mostly what I’d call “acceptable condition” guys — those are the ones who say yes. If you’ve listened to previous episodes, the guys I call The Lost Prince? They don’t agree to this at all (going on dates with female matchmaking clients).

So it’s mostly the Acceptable Condition guys. Except they’re being sent on dates with paying clients and not receiving any of the services those clients go through. They’re not getting the counseling, the style guidance, the coaching. So of course they’re not getting picked. But these same guys who used to tell themselves “at least we split the meal so I’m not out the cost of the date” can now say, “at least I went on a Matchmaker date for free, but she had to pay thousands of dollars.”

That, ladies, is another giant step in the wrong direction. We do not need men disrespecting women and having more disdain for women than they already do. That does not help this dating scene at all.

Women Want To Buy a Fix

That concern was one of the things that prompted this series. The other concern is that for the past five years I’ve been getting calls from women who are just looking for a fix. They want to pay someone to easily solve the problem; to bring them men. I always explain everything I’ve shared over this series — why it’s not a good idea, what results they can expect (not good ones) — and I steer them toward coaching packages that cost a couple hundred dollars versus hiring a matchmaker for tens of thousands.

But I am not joking — these women go off and pay the tens of thousands to other matchmakers anyway. And yes, those matchmakers will genuinely produce matches and search and circulate your profile. But the results turn out the same every time (not good). This isn’t me giving you an industry secret no one else has. This is foundational industry knowledge that has been around for years. Any experienced matchmaker knows better. But it’s hard to say no to money when it’s being waved in your face.

And the more women are hiring matchmakers, the fewer men are coming to hire matchmakers. A lot of matchmakers are just following the trend without asking what it means for the industry when all of these women who are being matched are not walking away in successful relationships.

So as potential clients, ladies, educate yourselves. And educate each other. You've got to learn the skills. Let’s move on to the tips, because that is the first tip. 

Tip 1: Practice Inviting “Yes” 

Everywhere in your life, practice communicating with men successfully and getting exactly what you want — not by forcing, not by guilt trips or talking them to death, but by inviting and inspiring men to eagerly, willingly, happily do what you’ve asked.

A lot of women who call matchmakers have been in a relationship — sometimes two or more — that they thought would lead to marriage, but they just weren’t able to get there. This isn’t just about bad luck or choosing the wrong person who’s “not ready for a relationship.” This is about your ability to inspire and motivate men to please you. This takes skills. It takes discernment. You have to be able to size up the situation from a position of female empowerment and maximize your advantages as a woman.

And if you can’t do this honestly, you would be in trouble even if you got married — because none of this is easy, none of this comes instinctively. It is all skill. It’s learned. It takes practice and it takes work. This is our toolkit, ladies. You need to learn how to use it.

Tip 2: Try Older Men

If you want to lock down a younger guy, go for it — I’m not knocking you. But if being with someone who is more financially stable, more experienced in career and business, more willing to accommodate and take care of you — if those are qualities you care about in a partner, then please let go of your prejudice against older men.

I’m not saying you need to date someone 20 years older. But five to ten years is not bad, especially when you’re over 35. I’d even go up to 12 years for the right person.

Right now, a lot of women — especially the women who come to hire matchmakers, who as I’ve explained tend to be high-income — only want to meet younger men. And look, it’s a great fantasy. The younger, hotter man who is somehow also magically mature, financially secure, and takes care of you — yeah, that’s fiction, ladies. In real life, if you get a younger, hotter man, then you are playing the role of the mature, caregiving, magical sugar daddy. You carry the financial burden. You do all the planning and decision-making.

Men might get tired of their sugar babies and switch them out every few years, but they don’t really get tired of playing the strong role. Ladies, I’ve seen this so many times — women do get tired of that role. I think most of us are just wired to crave someone strong to lean on, someone who can take the weight off the hard areas of our lives. And it makes you feel girlish instead of old and worn out. If you don’t know that feeling, you’re missing out. So make up your mind to at least explore it — especially again after your mid-30s.

Tip 3: Read Men Without Words

Please try to reframe your expectations for conversation in romantic settings. We have way too many hyper-verbal professionals out here in the dating space, turning every single event into a networking event full of desperate job seekers. You know the vibe — the noise level is insane because everyone is aggressively talking to someone at the same time, just trying to make a connection, get their pitch in.

It’s a huge difference from normal social situations, where the room is quieter because everyone knows each other, no one has an agenda, there’s just one person talking at a time, and everyone else is content to listen. It’s more relaxed. You’re not trying to collect 30 people’s bios in three hours so you can find the one to pitch.

Please stop doing that in dating settings — at singles events or just when you’re out and about — and instead, practice observing. Observe body language. The way a man holds himself. The way he laughs. The way he talks and interacts with the people around him. Who does he choose to spend a lot of time talking with? Does he pinpoint the shyest, quietest-looking woman in the room and buttonhole her for 30 minutes? Does he glue himself to the side of the most conventionally attractive woman there? Pay attention. Read him.

Men can lie to you with their words — especially online, which is the worst possible way to try to get to know a stranger. But they can’t lie with their bodies, their eyes, their voices, the set of their shoulders.

If you can’t read a man without needing words, don’t date him. Don’t marry him. Pick one you can read like a book — and then all the sweet things he says, all the explanations you ask for, those are just extra sprinkles on top. Funny or weird confirmations of what you already know, because you know your man. If you don’t know how to do that, you need to learn. Practice, practice, practice. Make it your goal this summer: learn to size up a man from across the room without even talking to him first.

Closing

Those are the tips. Think of them like a sampler — like at Sephora, where you get an SPF sampler or a hydration sampler or a mini perfume collection. Try out the different ideas and you’ll be able to tell what makes the biggest difference for you right now and what’s something to implement later.

This has been Helen Asuncion. Thank you for joining me and following along on this series, What Women Need to Know Before Hiring a Matchmaker. Wishing you an exciting and positive dating journey with a winning game plan and real results for 2026.

If you need help dialing in your approach, visit GoodHeartsMeet.com to book your deep dive, and check back soon for our next series. Take care.