The Fear of Wasting Your Life

We live in a world obsessed with timelines. By this age, you should have the career. By that age, the relationship. The house. The degree. The perfect life plan.

In this episode, I talk about becoming a mother at 18 and how, overnight, people decided my life was somehow "over" before it had even really full begun. Not because of who I was, but because I had stepped outside the version of life they believed I was supposed to live. 

So many of us carry this quiet fear that we're behind. That if we haven't achieved certain milestones by a certain age, we have failed. But who created the timelines in the first place?

This episode is about letting go of pressure to live life in the "right" order and learning to trust that your path doesn't have to look like everyone else's to still be meaningful, successful and beautiful. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everybody, and welcome back to the reset series. Today I'm going to talk about am I wasting my life? Have I wasted my life or am I behind everybody else? And the reason I'm going to talk about this is because lately all I seem to see on social media is everybody, you know, living their best life. And ultimately then that results in people comparing their lives. And for instance, if somebody, you know, is married at 30 and then somebody is 40 and they haven't met their life partner yet and they're looking at that person, well, ultimately then they do start to feel like they're behind. But what I really want to get across today is who sets the timelines of your life? Who says you have to be at a certain point at a certain time in your life? And I'm gonna speak about my own journey because I didn't do things um the conventional way, say I didn't do things in my life the way everybody believed that I should have done, and that's okay because that's their belief system, but ultimately a lot of people thought that I had failed in my life when I was quite young, and a lot of people wrote me off, and I'm gonna speak about that in detail now. But ultimately they were wrong, and they based that thought process on an idea of where they felt that I should be, um you know, and that was wrong, like they shouldn't have done that, and it made me second guess a lot of my life, um, my early life, I suppose, really based on what other people's opinion of where I should be, and I see that all the time now, and I really want to share this with other people because if if they could just see that you're not behind, and I really think that you're exactly where you're meant to be in life. So, for me, I'm gonna talk about my own journey, and the journey I'm gonna talk about today is um becoming a mum at 18. So I became a mother um when I was very young. I found out I was pregnant three weeks after my 18th birthday, and as you can imagine, it was a shock. It wasn't kind of what I'd planned to do with my life at 18, but it was a nice shock. Um, you know, I never ever ever for a minute had to think about what I was going to do in that situation. I knew I was going to have my child, and I genuinely believed, although I was really scared and really worried, I really believed that this was my purpose in life and this was exactly where I was meant to be at that time. But as time went on, you know, a lot of people didn't feel like that was the right journey for me, and a lot of people, you know, kind of believed that maybe, you know, I was going to get left behind, that I wouldn't ever amount to anything, you know. Um some people did say that to me, that I wouldn't really go very far in life, that I was actually just cutting my life short, um, and I wasn't going to really achieve anything in my life. And like when I look back on that now, it makes me very sad because the messages that people told me at that time was ultimately because of a decision that I'd made, they at 18, my IAD, they had decided that my life wasn't going to go in a direction, it was only going to go in one direction, and that was bad in their view. And like, how can somebody say that? How can they generalize and say everybody who gets pregnant at 18 won't amount to anything, and everybody who gets pregnant at 18 won't go on to do great things. So, you know, I used to be upset by that, and you know, over time that actually did become my thought process. So originally I actually didn't think that I was going to be left behind. Um, you know, I'm a very driven person, I've always been like that my whole life. Um I just believe if you want something, just go and get it, no matter how many times you have to try. But I started to allow those people's thoughts become my thought process. So I started to believe that maybe I was going to be left behind, and you know, maybe I wasn't where I should be, or maybe, you know, I wasn't doing all these things that everybody else was doing. And if you can imagine 18-year-olds, like my friends were all going shopping on a Friday for a new outfit for a night out. My friends were all, you know, going on their first holidays to Ibita or Santa Panza or wherever it might have been at the time. Well, I wasn't doing any of that. I saved throughout my whole pregnancy to buy all my pram and everything myself. I didn't want money from anybody for anything because I really, really wanted to prove that I could do this, and I knew I could do it. I just needed to prove to everybody else that I could do it. And when my daughter was seven weeks old, I took a cleaning job at night time because it suited me to work at night. And I cleaned in a college at night time, and it wasn't a nice job, um, but it was a paying job, it paid the bills and it was fine. And when my daughter was six months old, I bought my first car. None of my friends had a car. I was only 19 at this point. I bought my first car and I was determined to get a car because I wanted to be able to bring her to all the places that I got to go to as a kid, and I didn't want to be relying on anybody else or the bus. I just knew that I wanted to show her this great life, and I knew that I needed to have my own car. So even though other people wanted me to believe that I was left behind, actually, on reflection, none of my friends had a car, none of my friends had their own car, and I had a child and I was working, I wasn't in receipt of any social welfare, and I had my own car. So, you know, the messages that people were telling me were actually incorrect. But unfortunately, when you're young, you don't really kind of listen to that, you kind of believe what people tell you. So, fast forward a year, um, and I during that time had gotten a job um in the afternoons. I went to college in the morning and I got a job from two to six in the afternoon, and I was able to save up, you know, a little bit of money. I was paying my own way, and my drawer had started in a child minders when she was three months old. Again, you know, not something people envisaged that I would do. People just presumed I wouldn't work and I wouldn't kind of, you know, do anything anymore. But I was actually going to college and I was working, I was actually doing more than a lot of my friends were doing who didn't have a child. So a year later, um, I applied for a job in the civil service and I was successful and I got that job, and I started um when my daughter was a year and a half. I entered full-time employment, and that was challenging. My daughter went to a childminder every day, which I had to pay for, and then I had to pay for rent. I had to pay for my car, and at the end of the week, you know, there wasn't a lot left. There definitely wasn't money for going out with friends, and there definitely wasn't money left for nice perfumes and fancy clothes or any of the things that all my friends were doing, and that's when people really started to make me feel like I wasn't succeeding in life, and they did that by show boat and stuff that they had, and you know, they weren't really my friends when I look back. I had some really, really good friends at that time, and they're still my best friends today. They were my loyal friends, they were the friends who who told me that I inspired them, they were my friends who encouraged me to do everything, but I had other people in my life who liked to make me feel like I wasn't enough, and because I didn't have the latest handbag or I didn't have fancy clothes, you know, for a night out or even a night out, you know that I wasn't doing well in life, and those messages, you know, when you hear them enough from people, you do start to believe them. The mad thing is, like, I was so happy with my life, like I was so happy going to work every day. Well, you know, happy-ish going to work, but I was really happy to be just like I had this little person, you know, who depended on me, we did everything together. I just really felt and I still feel so absolutely lucky to have been given the journey that I was given. Um, but for on the outside, everybody else tried to make me believe that I was falling behind, you know, and like fast forward a few years then. From the minute I had my daughter, I always knew I was gonna buy my own home. I decided I was not gonna bring her like A, B, C, D. I really just wanted to have my own home, and I set my sights on doing that. And when she was nine years old, I bought my own house as a single parent. And like, I don't want to keep harping on about being the single parent, but at that time I was. And remember, everyone had told me that I turned my life away. Everybody had told me that, you know, I was gonna get left behind. You know, I wouldn't go to college, I wouldn't do a degree, I wouldn't, you know, get to all these places that all my friends were going. Well, ultimately, while they were all living the best life and they were all going on all these holidays and they were buying these handbags, and that was fine because that's what they wanted to do with their life. Well, I wasn't getting left behind, I was actually excelling in my life. I was actually moving further ahead than they were, even though I had a child, because that was my drive. That was my driver. I had this inner drive that I knew that I wanted to have a better life and I wanted to give my child a really good life because she deserved that. And so at 27 I bought my own house, and I don't know any of my friends at that time who bought a house, one at that age and two on their own. I don't think any of my friends have bought a house as a single parent on their own. So ultimately, while everybody was happy telling me that I was going to be left behind, the reality was I was actually further ahead than any of them were, you know. But it wasn't really until I bought my house that I realized, you know, what I was capable of and that the messages people had been telling me for most of my life were coming from a place um of insecurity in themselves. And I'm saying that because if you have people in your life, you know, and they're telling you that, you know, you should be in this position or you should be here or you should be there, well, who says you should be there? Like who sets the real book? Who says you have to have children by 30? Who says you can't have a child in your 40s? Who says you should be married? Who says, like, what if you don't want to get married? What if you don't want to live with somebody? What if you don't want to have children? And I'm talking from a woman's perspective, obviously a man will have a a man will have a different view, but as a woman, like there's so much on women now. If they don't have children, it's like there's something wrong with them. It's like, you know, like can you not have kids? Instead of just actually thinking this person doesn't want to have children, they've made that decision themselves, which are fully entitled to. But then the judgment starts of like, you know, well, you're gonna get left behind, or like, why aren't you doing that? But that's coming from a place of insecurity in them because they maybe haven't given it a lot of thought, maybe they just did that because that's what everybody does, maybe they just got married because that's what everybody does, maybe they settled because that's what everybody does, and now they're looking at you not settling and making good life choices for yourself, and they're insecure, so they're sending you a bad message and they're making you think that you're left behind. So, like I just see it all the time, and I'm glad I when I was going through that process, I didn't have social media. So, although I could see my friends go now, and although I could see like what everybody materialistically had, you know, and it did add pressure, and like you're 18, 19, 20, like all your friends are you know going away on a trip abroad, and like you're not doing that. And as much as I loved my life, I would not change my life for anything ever. No whole day in the world would make me change the experiences that I've had. But you know, sometimes when you're alone and you're sitting there and you don't have the money to go out or you don't have the capacity to go on this whole day, you do feel alone and you do feel like you know, God, like you know, am I missing out? You know, and I believed I wasn't, but you do kind of question it on those lonely moments that are you missing out on things, you know. But the thing about social media is I feel the social media pressure now on people is phenomenal, and I'm so glad that I didn't have that pressure, you know. I feel like on men and women, you know, now that like you're just bombarded every day with people, you know, going on a holiday or they're buying a house or they're do they're running 10k, and look, we all do it, like we all share aspects of our life. But what I I always say to people is they are showing you the version that they want you to see, they are not showing you the argument like that they've just had with their partner, or maybe they've had an argument with their partner every day that week, they're not in a happy marriage. But by you not being married and looking at this stuff, you know, all over Instagram, you naturally believe then that you're behind because you're not in a relationship, but you might not be behind, you know, they could be behind because they've settled, like they've settled for something that maybe they're not happy in, whereas you've made some choices that that's just not what you want. And another thing I think that people, you know, feel like they're getting left behind is regret. People regret their life choices a lot, you know. And look, it's okay to reflect. I do think like reflection is really good, and I do reflect on a lot of things in my life, um, you know, but I always treat them as a learning. I think if you start like regretting decisions that you've made in your life, well, you're just it's not gonna end well because ultimately, like, well, think about it like this like you can never go backwards, you can only move forwards. So, like, what's the point in sitting for a whole day regretting something that you've done or said the day before, a week before, a month before? You can't change that. So, why would you give another day of your life to thinking about what's gone? So, I think regret can make you feel, you know, like you're behind because you you wish you had done something different, you wish you had said something different. But I genuinely believe this that everything that happens in your life is meant to happen, and it's all preparing you or bringing you forward to exactly where you're meant to be. And if an opportunity passes you over, and that could be a relationship, you know, someone that you really liked is just not interested in you, or a job that you really wanted and you didn't get it, or a house that you really wanted and it fell through. And I've seen this recently with one of my really close friends, and something better comes along, something always better comes along, but it's so hard to see that when you're in the moment, but genuinely, those moments they are sent to test you about how you're gonna handle that situation, and it's okay to be upset, but if you believe that better things are coming, they always do, you know, they always always come, and like you know, I suppose another thing where you might feel like you're behind is relationships, like you know, like you could be on a night out and you could be that person who always has to go to the weddings and they don't have a plus one and they always feel like they're behind, but you know, I've been at those weddings and I've seen a lot of couples and I've seen a lot of couples argue at weddings, and I've seen a lot of women unhappy with who they're with at a wedding, and I've seen a lot of women who probably wish they didn't have a plus one, who probably wish that they were there on their own because they're in a relationship that they're not happy in, but for whatever reason, financial reason, children, commitment, you know, security, they're stuck in that relationship, and you know, a lot of the time you're gonna compare yourself to somebody's life who might not be as happy as you think they are. So comparison can really make you think that you're behind, and you know, a lot of the time you're not. And I suppose the message I really want to get across today to people is if you're there now in your life and you know, you feel like you're not in the job that you should be in, you're not in the relationship you should be in, you know, you should have achieved all these things by this certain age in life. Well, what I say to you is who says you should have achieved all those things? When I was 18, like people were not happy about me having a baby, like, and like that's not a bad thing. They weren't coming from a bad place, but people were worried about me. I was a child, like when I was 18, I thought I knew it all, but on reflection, I'm like, like I've nieces and nephews that are that age now, and they're kids, like you know, so like a lot of people, you know, didn't believe in me and thought that 18 was the wrong age, but 18 was the absolute perfect age for me to become a mother because I started on a journey in my life that has opened the most amazing opportunities to me. It gave me the most amazing daughter who's now my best friend, and the experiences we've had, like I know other people will never have that with their child, you know. So that was the perfect time for me, but I was the only person who believed that. So, like, if you're in your 40s and that hasn't happened for you, well, exactly where you're meant to be now is where you're meant to be, and maybe there's a different plan for you that's totally different than the one that you've envisaged, and it's so hard to see that plan because you're caught up in looking at what everyone else is doing. What if your road is that way and everyone else's road is that way? What if you can't see the road yet? So just be more open-minded, just be open-minded to the fact that you know you're not behind, you are exactly where you're meant to be, and comparing yourself to other people will only bring you one thing, and that is sadness, because you're comparing yourself to a life that you know nothing about, and I can guarantee you that people you compare your life to who look genuinely happy and like they have it all have their own struggles. Everybody in life is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. There are so many people who are going to listen to this who don't know I became a mother at 18, who won't know the challenges that I faced. But what I say to you is anything you want in the world is possible. Anything, and I really, really mean that, and I am a proven testament to that. That at 18 years of age, I became a parent and achieved more than any of my friends did, and I did that alone, and that wasn't because I had financial backing from anybody, I didn't. That was because I believed in myself and I believed in the decisions that I had made. So if you're making a decision now, you need to believe in yourself because if you don't believe in yourself, well, how can you expect anybody else to believe in you? And like I'll finish with this if you're sitting every day sad and worried about the life that you don't have, why would you waste all this time on earth worrying about something that hasn't happened, has happened, or might not happen? Like, so tomorrow, today, right now, just decide I'm gonna live in the moment, and the path I'm on is exactly where I'm meant to be, and what is for me is coming, and it's amazing and it will be amazing, but it'll only be amazing if you're welcome to it and if you're ready to have it. I really hope that you've enjoyed this and I hope that you do take something from it, even if it's just that you're enough and where you are is exactly where you're meant to be, and that you're not behind anybody else. To be honest, you actually could be ahead of a lot of people. Thanks for listening.