The Invisible Backpack

We all carry an invisible backpack through life, filled with the things that people have handed us along the way. Criticism, expectations, fear, rejection, shame and the stories we began to believe about ourselves. Most of the time, we don't even realise how heavy it has become because we have been carrying it for so long.

As children, we accept what gets placed inside without questioning it, and over time those experiences shape the way we see ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. The weight may not always be visible, but eventually it shows up in our anxiety, exhaustion, self-doubt, and the pressure we constantly feel. 

The important thing is that we don't have to carry everything forever. Unpacking the backpack means taking the time to look inside and ask ourselves what truly belongs to us and what was placed there by others. It means letting go of beliefs, pain and expectations that no longer serve us, even if they have been familiar. 

Healing doesn't happen all at once , it happens piece by piece, through self-awareness, boundaries and compassion. The more we unpack, the lighter we become.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone and welcome to the fourth episode in the reset series. Today's episode is called The Invisible Backpack. And today I'm going to talk about that when we're born, we're born with no visible backpack on our back. We're born as we are, and we are born with no preconception or bad ideation about ourselves. So no self-hatred, no self-doubt, no anxiety. We're just born as we are without any of those things. However, somewhere along the way, a backpack is placed on our back. We're not even aware that it's placed on our back, but it's put there. And over time, the backpack starts to become full. And how it becomes full is stones are placed inside there. And I'm going to use stones as the metaphor for the heavy load that we're carrying throughout our life. But stones are placed inside that backpack and they can be placed by anybody. They're placed by our parents, they're placed by school, they're placed by friends, they're placed by relationships, they're placed by society, and somewhere along the way, before we even realize it, we're carrying a very, very heavy load in a backpack that we didn't ask for it to be put on our back, that we weren't even always aware was actually there until it becomes extremely heavy, and then you are aware that you're carrying this heavy load. Today I want to talk about what's in the backpack and how through time and through work you can actually unpack the backpack. Firstly, I'll explain what the backpack is. The backpack isn't just trauma. People think that only people who have suffered trauma in their life experience carrying around a heavy load. But it isn't just trauma, it's a it's conditioning. It can be a number of different things. And that conditioning can look like fear of rejection, people pleasing, feeling responsible for everybody else, anxiety, hyperindependence, anger, you know, um jealousy, rage. It's conditioning to be a certain way, although you actually never knew or asked to be that way. And most of us think that's just who we are, but we don't actually realize that that's not who we were meant to be, that's not who we were born to be. We remember back at the start, as I said, we were born without a backpack on our back. So you don't just develop these things over time, they're actually put there by people, they're placed in your life to condition you to be a certain way. And unfortunately, a lot of us do this to survive. It's a survival mechanism. If you think about thousands of years ago, before we had self-help books and before we had any books to learn how to survive, our instinct taught us how to survive. So we all have that survival instinct within us, and this is a part of conditioning, is where we actually inherit things from people around us, we absorb things from our surroundings, and we inherit habits and traits that people have, and then before we know it, they actually become our own, and then we think that that's who we are. But remember, it's not who we are, it's actually who we're conditioned to be. And I'm going to talk briefly about my own backpack, and I will talk about this in detail at some point, just not in this episode. But my own backpack for me was a bag was placed on my back as a child, and I suffered um some trauma as a child, quite horrific trauma. And so, in that backpack, what went in it for me was um, you know, humiliation, shame, guilt, remorse, fear, anxiety, you know, anger, I suppose, as well. And remember now I'm a child with this backpack on my back, and they're all very big emotions to be in my bag. So I grew up with those emotions being carried around in my bag, and I was conditioned to thinking that that's who I was as a person. I was conditioned to thinking that that's who I was, how I reacted to situations, and that's how the world was. I never knew that it was an invisible backpack. I just presumed that's who I was as a person. I hadn't made the connection because I was a child to the fact that these weren't mine. Like someone had given these to me without me asking for them, they'd been given to me. So my journey looked like that that all these things were placed on me through severe trauma as a child. And what that did for me was that actually led me right through my teenage years and a huge chunk of my adults' life, believing that that's who I was because I was carrying that load, and it was a very, very heavy load every single day of my life, every minute of every day of my life, like it was absolutely exhausting. And it was only when I started to make the connections and started to do things that were outside of that little you know zone that weren't in that belief system that were in my backpack that I started to think that you know, well, like maybe I actually am not this person, maybe this isn't who I am, you know. And I had a belief that like I had to hold everything together and that like you know I had to meet everybody's expectations, that I couldn't tell anybody that I just had to carry this and this is just the way it was. And so many people go through life thinking, well, sure, that happened to me. This is this is just it. Like, I just have to carry this, it is what it is, but it's not, it doesn't have to be, and that changed for me when I actually realized that what I had weren't personality traits, they were not who I was as a person, they were nowhere near who I was as a person, they were survival skills. I had learned at a very young age to survive a situation which unfortunately carried right through till my adult life because I didn't deal with it, um, you know, I didn't cope very well with it, but they were actually survival skills that I had, they weren't part personality traits, they weren't who I was as a person. And what I learned was just because something happens to you at a very young age, now remember, I'm using my own example here. This can be anything for you. Everybody's backpack is made up of different things that are unique to them. Some of them will be the same emotion, but the experiences that have put them there will be actually different. But once I realized that I didn't have to carry that throughout my whole life, well, that's where the healing started for me. Once I realised that I had the power to unpack that backpack, that I didn't have the power to what went into the backpack, I actually couldn't control that, you know. And that is a sad place to be to think that you know somebody impacted your life in such a way, or multiple people impacted your life in such a way, um, and they gave you this really heavy load to carry, and you couldn't control that that went into your backpack on your back. However, you can control when it leaves, you can unpack it without approval from anybody, and that in itself is very liberating. And I'm going to talk more about that now. And the weight of the bag in adult life becomes extremely heavy. So when you're younger, you mightn't realise that you're carrying this heavy bag. You know, you might have these emotions, but you're not really aware that you're carrying a heavy load because life is so busy, you know, and parts of life when you're younger are fun, you're enjoying life, you're having a fun time, and you're not really aware that this bag is on your back, you might feel a little bit different, but you mightn't actually realize why. And how the bag then starts to present itself as an adult is that you start to feel burnt out, you start to feel extremely burnt out, you start to overthink every situation, even just going out for a night out with friends, you overthink every conversation, you overthink every scenario before it's even happened, and on top of that, you're already feeling burnt out, you're emotionally exhausted, you're not emotionally connected to people, you're physically and emotionally exhausted. You know, you fear change. I spoke about this before in some of the other episodes. You fear change, you fear anything that's out of the ordinary, therefore, your world becomes very, very small. You don't like to live in a world that has anything other than what you can control, and that means then your world is getting very, very small. Um, because you're just afraid to live, you're living in fear. You feel behind, and I spoke about that as well previously. You feel behind, um, that you're not as good as everybody else, and remember that's a feeling, it's not a fact, but that comes from the heavy load that you're carrying in your backpack because that's the message that you're telling yourself every single day, and this is a really big one that people do, they self-sabotage. So you've started the diet, you're doing really, really well, you know, you're making progress, you're into week three or four, and then you undo all the progress. You don't know why you're doing that. You can't believe you're doing that because you've put all this work in. This is the goal that you want, but you self-sabotage, you go for the job interview, you've put all the prep in the morning of the interview, you're deliberately late, you're purposely not going to turn up self-sabotage, and that is because the load that you're carrying around in your backpack has made you believe that that's who you are, that is your personality, and that's who you are, but it's not, remember, that's who you've been conditioned to be, it's not who you are as a person, and it's not who you were intended to be when you were born. Many adults are walking around exhausted, absolutely emotionally and physically burnt out, and it is not because of life. They think it's because of life, but it's not because of life, it's because they have never unpacked the backpack that they're carrying around with them and the load that they are carrying around with them their whole life, the load that isn't theirs, they've never unpacked that, and because of that, they are physically and emotionally burnt out. So, now I'm gonna talk about unpacking the backpack. So, firstly, before you even think about unpacking the backpack, you have to have awareness, you have to be aware that that bag is on your back. You have to stop exp like blaming everybody else for your problems, blaming everybody else for the situations that you're in, and accepting that this is just who you are and this is where you're meant to be in your life. When you become aware that there is a backpack on your back, invisible as it may be, full of heavy stones. Remember, they're really deep, heavy trauma stones you're carrying around with you every single day. When you become aware that they are there, that is when it's ready for you to unpack the backpack. But until you acknowledge them and until you are aware of them, it's impossible. It is absolutely impossible to attempt to unpack the backpack. And how you can start to do that is ask yourself these questions. What am I carrying around with me from my childhood that isn't mine? What triggers do I have in life that aren't unique to me? So, for instance, you're driving around in a car, you're aggressive, someone's walked out in front of you and you're beeping aggressively at them. But in your mind, you're kind of thinking, didn't really warrant being beeped at really aggressively. Therefore, maybe when you were younger, you weren't around with a parent who was quite aggressive in situations. So that's an inherent, learned behavior. You learned that from somebody and you inherited how to be aggressive. So, therefore, that's in your backpack. It's anger, you're carrying around with you every day, but it's not who you are, it's not who you were meant to be. So that's an inherited habit that you have that's carrying around, and that anger doesn't just display itself. I'm using a road rage incident just because a lot of us experience that. That's in everything that can be in work, you lose the head really easy, you get irritated on the bus with somebody, you get irritated in cues with people, you get irritated with your partner, you get irritated with your kids if they're not moving quick enough. But just remember like that's anger throughout your whole day. You're carrying that around throughout your whole day. Your nervous system is peaked, your fight or flight is in is in action. Like, why would you want to be carrying that around with you all day? Like to to feel that way, even saying those words out loud just like raises the whole levels in my body. And then another one, like, what beliefs did I inherit about myself that aren't actually true? And this is a huge one that so many people carry around. So your belief system. So if you go around and you believe that you're not good enough, so for me, that's where I was. I believed that I wasn't good enough. I believed that I was never gonna amount to anything. I believed that you know nobody liked me. Like no one would want to be friends with me, nobody liked me as a person. I wasn't good enough to be friends with all the pretty girls or the nice girls or you know, the the decent people. None of that was true. That was a hundred percent not true, and I know that now because I've done a lot of work on myself, but when I was carrying around the backpack before I started to unpack it, they that's what my backpack was full of. My backpack was full of you know beliefs about myself that weren't true, and that's because somebody put them in there, and they made me believe all of that about myself, and I carried that in my bag for nearly 30 years. That's a very long time to carry something where you feel like you don't fit in the world and you feel like you're not good enough. And I'm saying this about myself because I know there are thousands of people who wake up every day and walk around feeling insignificant, feeling like they're not enough, and they are so unaware that the reason they feel that way is because there is a backpack on their back and they have no awareness that it's there, and they're carrying this big heavy load that doesn't belong to them. Nobody deserves to go through life like that. Nobody deserves to go through life feeling like that when it's not their load to carry. So, this is another one now that people need to do if they're going to stop and unpack their backpack. So, first you're aware, you have to be aware, and the second one is to stop adding more weight. And what I mean by that is if your bag is already full of toxic feelings, traits, emotions, belief systems, and then you go through life, and a lot of people will relate to this now, then they start to add their own weight into that bag. So you don't need other people to do it anymore, you start to actually add the weight yourself, and how you do that is so, for instance, if somebody told you your life or you grew up around somebody who was very weight conscious, and they spoke about their weight a lot, and they might have spoken about your weight a lot as well, or maybe they just spoke about weight around you and it made you self-conscious about your own weight, and then you spend two hours a day on Instagram scrolling, and your algorithm is faced with you know bikini models, and that's all you're ever going to see, then, because that's the algorithm, that's what you see. But if you allow yourself to do that for two hours a day and you start comparing yourself to those people, well, not only now are you carrying that heavy load that's in there from the other person that they gave that to you when you were a child, you're now adding to that load every day, you're reinforcing that feeling and that belief system every single day. It can also be toxic relationships, like if you suffered some trauma throughout your life, it doesn't have to be your childhood, but if you suffered trauma throughout your life, and that was like you know, you're carrying around this load from what that person gave to you, and then you're shocked that you're in a relationship that's very similar to this person, and but that happens really, really, you know, a lot to people, and the reason that that happens is because that's what we know, that's what families are familiar to us, it's what we know, so we're not stepping out of our comfort zone. Remember the fear of the unknown. So, even though it's trauma and it's hurt and it's going to really hurt you, we keep going back to that. So, if you go and have a toxic relationship and your bag is already full of horrible feelings from what someone else has put there, well, you're only going to add to that. So, not only now is the bag full, you're actually adding to the bag, you know, yourself. And another one is um environments that reinforce shame. And so many of us do this, we put ourselves into environments that we know are going to make us feel bad, but yet we go there, and that can look like a friend group. You might have a friend group, and you go out with that friend group, and you know that they all meet up without you, you know, and they invite you one and every five times, or you know that they all have a WhatsApp group that you're not part of, and they talk about all these things, or they go on holidays and someone forgot to invite you, you know. And if you've grown up feeling not good enough and not had the confidence, and now you're in a friend group where people are around you like that, and you go along with this for whatever period of time, because remember, this is what you know, this is what's familiar. You go along to that, and then you leave, and you leave with all that shame, and then you put that into your backpack. So it's like a feeling and a full circle that never actually leaves. So stay in out of environments like that, staying out of environments that reinforce shame. Anywhere where you're gonna leave a situation feeling worse than you went in, that can happen, right? That can happen, and we've no control over that. That is life, okay? There's life where I'm gonna go into situations, and I'm not gonna walk out feeling as good as I walked in, but I will learn a lesson. But if I know I'm not gonna walk out feeling as good as I walk in, well, then that's on me because I shouldn't be putting myself into that situation. And so many people are trying to heal, they're genuinely really trying to heal, but they're handing the backpack back to the same person continuously throughout that healing process, and unfortunately, it's not gonna work, it is not gonna work until all those things have been removed from your life. And what really helps is setting tiny habits, like resetting really, really small habits in your life, and what they can look like is a morning walk journaling. It doesn't have to be a big fancy journal. Treat yourself if you want, it can be a notebook, it can be a scrap of paper, it doesn't have to be anything fancy, it's just where you sit with your thoughts, your goals, your focus for three minutes in the morning if that's all you can manage. You know, meditation. I cannot speak enough about meditation. I've spoken about this before, I've shared a couple of really good meditation um on my Instagram. I'll share the link again, and I cannot say enough about the purpose that that serves in your life, it's just amazing. Sleeping properly, like sleep is key. People focus so much on training, you know. But sleep is absolutely key for you to recover, for to have a rational thought process. Because remember, you're carrying around this big heavy load, you're emotionally drained. If you're physically tired as well, you're not going to be in the best place to tackle this, you know. Speaking kindly to yourself. These are all things that were are within your power, they're all free, they don't cost any money. You're not paying for these things, these are all things you have the gift to do yourself, and it has to start with you. Speaking kindly to yourself has to start with you. Every morning, wake up and say to yourself, I love me for me. And that might sound really, really cringy, but that's what I say to myself because I am a good person and I don't care what other people think of me, and I speak to myself kindly every single day because the love has to start with you. And healing isn't one day of doing that, healing is a long process of doing that every single day, and they all add up to big habits, and those big habits become part of your life, and that becomes part of the process of who you are every day, and it's okay to accept that unpacking the backpack is gonna feel very strange. Remember, all that pain and all that trauma and all that negative talk is what you've known your whole life. It's like you know, you get a new pair of runners and they're gorgeous and they're really, really shiny, but you keep going back to your old runners to wear them, even though they're a bit scruffy looking, because they're familiar, they're comfortable, they're trusty, it's what you know. Well, unpacking your backpack is very similar to that. There's a real genuine want to do it, but there's a real genuine fear around doing it because it's what you know, it's what's familiar to you, and sometimes we cling to that pain, even though it's really, really painful, because it's predictable, it's what we know, and the fear of becoming someone totally new can just be so overwhelming. And if that's what you feel right now, that's okay, it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to be afraid to want to let all that go. But just ask yourself this question: if you don't let it go, are you prepared to live with that backpack full of other people's crap on your back for the rest of your life? I can only speak for myself. I wasn't prepared to live with that backpack on my back because it wasn't mine. That stuff that someone told me about myself and that that load that I was given to carry over years of my life wasn't mine, and I didn't deserve to carry it, and I deserve to live a life that's true and in line with who I was meant to be when I was born without a backpack on my back. So maybe the goal in life is not to become someone totally new. Maybe that's the problem. Everyone is trying to reinvent themselves, you know, trying to be this new person, this new and better improved you. Maybe that's not what you need to do. Maybe you actually just need. To unpack the extra weight that you're carrying that isn't yours because there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with who you are, there's nothing wrong with your personality, there's nothing wrong with all the quirky things that you have. You're just carrying a heavy load that doesn't belong to you. So maybe that's about reframing it that we're not trying to reinvent who you are as a person, that we're actually just trying to remove the load that you're carrying that isn't yours. And maybe underneath it, when all the backpack is empty, maybe you're gonna find the person who you were always meant to be. Maybe you're gonna discover that person who you were always meant to be. And I know this is really scary, and I know some people will be really scared with even the thought of it, but just remember that backpack has been filled for years. If you're 20, 20 years, 30, 30 years, 40, 40 years, you're not gonna unpack it all in one day. It's just not possible. You couldn't, you just couldn't do it, and it wouldn't be advisable to do that anyway. So lower the expectations, say you're gonna commit to unpacking the backpack, be aware that the backpack is on your back, even that's a start, and then say, I'm gonna start unpacking it, and it will all start with one habit, one thought process, one fear. Start recognizing them for what they are and taking them out if they're not yours, and that is where the reset happens, that is where all of the reset will happen and the backpack will become lighter and lighter. And I promise you, if you do that for yourself and you give yourself that time, you will question why you didn't do it sooner. You will question why you've been carrying around this load that wasn't even yours. So I hope you've enjoyed listening to this, and I really wish you the best of luck with unpacking your backpack because speaking from experience, unpacking mine has been the best thing I've ever done for myself.