Borrowed Lives : Why Some People Can't Think For Themselves

Why do some people seem to adopt the personalities, beliefs, and lifestyles of those around them? And why is thinking for yourself often so difficult?

In this episode, I explore the hidden psychology behind imitation, conformity, and the search for identity. From fear of rejection to the influence of social media, I examine why so many people end up living borrowed lives, and what it truly means to become yourself.

Most importantly, I explore the lifelong process of discovering who you really are, and why a meaningful life cannot be built by endlessly borrowing identities from other people.

Whether you have encountered people who constantly reinvent themselves, or you have recognised some of thees tendencies within yourself, this episode offers a thoughtful look at one of the most deeply human questions

Who are we when nobody else is telling us who to be?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone, welcome back to the reset series. Today's episode is called Borrowed Lives and Why Some People Can Think For Themselves. And today I actually find this topic really fascinating, but at the same time, I find it really frustrating because a lot of people seem to just live their life by imitating other people. They copy their friends, they copy influencers, they adopt other people's personalities, repeat opinions without actually ever thinking for themselves and actually thinking or exploring about what they might like to do. You've probably met someone like this yourself, where every new friend becomes their new personality, you know, suddenly all of all of a sudden they like what their partner loves. They never liked it before. They repeat things that they've heard online without even questioning if it's true or if it's factual. Or perhaps they seem incapable of making their own decisions unless someone else tells them what to think. I get it. But at a first glance, this can look like someone who's actually just really lazy and they just want to go around copying everybody. But ultimately, that's not what it is. Ultimately, what that is is that they are not able to think for themselves. And because they're not able to think for themselves, it's because they are trapped in a in a position where they don't know how to think, they don't know what to do, they don't know what it is that they even like. All they're actually looking for is a sense of belonging, a sense of security, and validation that what they're doing is okay. But ultimately, what they're looking for is their own identity, and they're trying to reproduce that by copying other people's ideas, other people's style, other people's fashion, without even ever exploring what it is that they like themselves. They've stopped asking that question. And humans are natural copycats, like they do it instinctively, and we shouldn't actually criticize people who mimic others. Um, we should actually think that it's actually something important is going on here. We're designed to imitate other people. That's the way human beings are actually designed. If you think back to when you were a baby, we learned how to speak through imitation. So people speak the language around us. I speak English because that's what people spoke when I was born and I was being brought up. Had I been brought up in a Spanish household and somebody spoke Spanish, I would speak Spanish. So that means I learned through imitation. Children learn social behavior by copying their parents. If you grew up in a family household where there's a lot of aggression and a lot of volatile behavior, well, that's how you're going to carry on through your life. And I've spoken about that before. They're the patterns that you're going to reproduce, and that's how you're going to react to situations. And that comes back to the invisible backpack where we're carrying a backpack around with a load of crap inside it that actually isn't ours. So copying, it's not all bad, it's actually how we survive, it's how we learn to survive in the world at the very beginning. So the problem begins with imitation, it's when it actually replaces identity and individuality. So if you're gonna go around copying and imitating what somebody does with everything that they do, well, then you lose sense of identity, you lose sense of purpose, and then you stop asking, like, well, what do I believe? What do I enjoy? Where do I fit in? How do I avoid rejection? And who am I even as a person? And that's where you start living a borrowed life. You're actually now living a life that has mimicked so many people, you've actually lost your sense of identity and you don't know what your own life is anymore. And a lot of people suffer with a fear of rejection, and I've suffered with that myself in my life. A lot of people do suffer with this. Everybody wants to be liked, and look, nobody wants to feel rejected. Like, not one person is gonna say to you, Oh, I love feeling rejection. Like, there's no human being on the planet likes to feel rejection, but unfortunately, like rejection is part of life, and it's part of where the lessons of life come in. And many chronic imitators, they're not shallow, they're actually scared. Like people who are afraid of being abandoned or afraid of being judged, they actually become experts at adapting themselves into whoever they're around. So if you've had a friend, if you've had a friend, right, and they're with one group of friends, and you happen to be there with them, and they act in a completely different way than you've ever known them to act before, well, then they're imitating their friends and they want to fit in. They want to fit in, they don't want to be judged, they want to be liked. So therefore they're adapting to their surroundings and they're becoming who their friends are. So all of a sudden, you know, if your partner has a brand new, entirely like out there new interest that you've never seen before, but then all of a sudden their friends have it. Well, that kind of makes sense. They're not fake, they just want to fit in, you know, and this usually starts in childhood. This isn't usually something that starts as an adult, this is usually something that starts at a very young age, and it could be from you know, a fear of not like when you were younger, maybe you didn't fit in in certain circles, and maybe you learned how to adapt to those situations by just being like everybody else. And look, it's easy when you think about it, like we see this sometimes with children. If someone is being bullied, I often ask the question, well, why doesn't some of those other kids step in? Why don't they say something? And although they don't actually bully with their words, they stand by and watch the bully doing it, but ultimately the reason they're doing that is well, they're afraid of being bullied, so if they just stand there and mimic what the other person is doing, the bully, well, then they won't be bullied themselves, so it's like a fear of not fitting in. But that might work in childhood, but in an adult situation, it actually creates an identity crisis because eventually at some point in your life, you are gonna wake up and you are gonna think, Well, I actually don't know who I am anymore, I don't know where I fit in in this world, and I actually don't know how I actually got to this position. Like, who am I? You know, and I actually think social media plays a really big part in this now. Never in the history of mankind have we been exposed to so many different lifestyles. Like I could pick my phone up now and I could be bombarded with hundreds of different people. Like my algorithm is obviously set to things that I like, but if I went looking for it, you know, different um physiques, different looks, different styles, different interests, you know, and it's so easy if you're watching that for a long time, you know, to start thinking, well, like what do I like? Because every single day we're flooded with people showing us the perfect body, the perfect house, the perfect relationship, the perfect morning routine, the perfect business. You know, one month everyone is obsessed with like being minimalistic, having nothing at all, and the next month everyone's obsessed with starting a podcast, then it's cold plunges, then it's running a marathon, then it's becoming high value, then you're going abroad, trends change. The underlying problem with all that is that people mistake popularity for truth. So if you see somebody online and they have hundreds of thousands of followers, people equate that to somebody who is giving factual information, and they actually then outsource their thinking to that person, so they start to believe what whatever that person is selling them or whatever that person is telling them, they start to believe that, and they confuse visibility with wisdom, and that is a big, big problem to make because ultimately somebody might only have 50 followers, and they could speak the most truth you will have ever heard in your life, but people won't listen because they only have 50 followers, and they'll go on to a page of someone who might be only 20. Don't come at me if you're only 20. I'm not knocking somebody who's only 20, but like mightn't have that much life experience and has given all this expert advice to women in their 40s down through the menopause when they haven't even gotten anywhere near that themselves. But people in their 40s might listen to that person over the someone who has 50 likes or 50 followers because they have a hundred thousand followers, and like that's a dangerous game to play because what happens is instead of actually getting conviction and like concrete information from somebody, you're actually focusing on the identity rather than the content and the value within the content, and that's not a good place to be in. And when you're in that position, it becomes really, really hard to think for yourself, and like the reason for that is you've just given so much of your time to other people and what other people think, and you've lost all sense of identity that you really just don't know how to think for yourself anymore. But living like that comes at a cost, and if you think for yourself, well, like some people won't agree with you. I'm fully aware that there's things I say independently thinking and values and feelings and thoughts that I have that other people won't agree with, but I'm okay with that because they're my values, my thoughts, my feelings, and they're aligned with who I am as a person. So I'm absolutely fine with that. I'm not gonna spout out a load of crap just so I can get likes and just so people will agree with me. I'd much rather have valuable, you know, informed information being put out there than saying a load of crap just for likes. But like if you think for yourself, some people won't agree with you. But if you follow your own path, some people won't understand you. If you refuse to conform to society, well, sometimes you'll feel alone. I'm sitting here going tick, tick, tick. I've been there, done that, and worn the t-shirt. But it's kind of attractive, it's kind of exciting to be independent, think for yourself, and not be online looking to see what everyone else is doing and thinking I'm gonna go off now and I'm gonna copy that and I'm gonna do that for myself. Because, like everyone around you is going to tell you to do a certain thing if you're in that type of a vibe and they're the type of people that you're surrounding your with yourself with. But if you're not surrounding yourself with those types of people, well, then you're independently thinking, you know. Like, evolution thought our brains that being rejected by the tribe might mean death. Now, I'm going back to caveman times, you know. So even today, you have to remember that's ingrained within our our genetic makeup. Like, unconsciously, many people choose acceptance over authenticity. The crowd feels safer even when the crowd is wrong. Like, that just blows my mind. Like, how mad is that? That even though a situation might be toxic, like, let's take, for an example, sitting at a whim sitting at a table with several women, the high-powered women, you know, they've hundreds of thousands of followers, they look the part, their bodies are amazing, they drive the sports car, and you're going to sit at a table at dinner with them. They're toxic, they talk toxicity, it's all numbers, it's all likes, it's all insta. There's no like reality or like volume to or depth is the words. There's no depth to what it is they're trying to say, but people sit at those tables because the crowd feels safer, because it's a little bit unsafe to sit at a table on your own, speaking your truth, having your value, being true to yourself. Like, that's just mad, I think. And I know where I'd rather sit. Because, like, an identity without a foundation just means like you've never built your foundation. It means you don't have correct values, you don't have principles, purpose, and without these things, your identity is actually unstable. Like, imagine trying to build a house without a foundation. Every time the wind came that was any way strong, there's a risk it's going to blow your house down. Well, that's what happens psychologically if you are in that position and you've built your life without purpose. Like the opinion of friends becomes the foundation of your life. Social media becomes the foundation, relationships become the foundation, and public approval becomes the foundation. And because those things constantly change, well, they're going to change for you too. So one day you're spiritual, the next week you're an entrepreneur, one day you're a fitness expert, the next day you're all over political, you know, you're fighting the cause. And like that's not because you've actually like looked into any of these things, or not because you've been at them for years and now you're an expert in the field. It's actually because your identity has become something that you wear, not something that you've built. And that's really important. Like when you're speaking about something, it should be coming from a place of your identity that you've built up over years. When I speak, I speak with value because I know what I'm saying is the truth, and I'm speaking it because I have built this up over years of experience. So, like, that makes me sad when I see people like that. And some people who do this can become very manipulative, and not everyone who is a copycat is innocent. Not everyone who does this is actually doing it innocently and unaware of what they're doing. Some people have actually learned that marrying marrowing others creates trust, and people trust personalities. So they study personalities, they adopt interests, they reflect emotions because they might think that that's relatable, and they make themselves appear really similar to whoever they're around, and in extreme cases, they become manipulative, and similarity creates connection, right? So if you meet up with somebody, you know, you've gone to an event, you start chatting to somebody, and it turns out your kids are the same age, or it turns out you both suffered the similar trauma when you're younger. Well, immediately you're gonna feel a connection to that person because you're gonna feel drawn to them, you know. But some people are not searching for identity, they are actually searching for that connection, so then that gives them like power, admiration, um, or even control. That's what they're actually looking for, they're not looking for the connection, and not everyone who marries you is genuinely like you. And I've actually learned this, you know, that there are people out there who might mimic what you're doing or what you're trying to do, but ultimately that doesn't mean they're actually going to be any good at that, and it doesn't mean they are any good at it, it just means they've started to mimic what you're doing to make themselves sound like you. And for me, I believe that authenticity is uncomfortable. Being yourself sounds so simple, like I've just said it there, and it sounds so easy. Just be yourself, why don't you just be yourself? But the reality is being yourself takes a shitload of courage. It actually takes a bucket load of courage to just be you because you're putting yourself out there and you're risking disapproval, you're actually risking somebody criticizing you and people saying, Maybe I don't like her, maybe I don't like what she says. And when you do that, you need to say things like, Well, I don't like that, you know, I want something different. I don't know. I changed my mind, I disagree. People who think independently are rarely copies, they're often misunderstood, they do not chase every trend, they don't need other people to approve them, and they can tolerate standing on their own very easily. And that's not because they're arrogant. People mistake that for being arrogant, but it's actually because they've learned something important. They've learned that belonging to yourself matters way more than belonging everywhere else. And I've said this so many times before. You have to stay true to you, and you have to be okay with who you are because you are on this journey yourself for a long time alone at points in your life. You came here on your own, and you're the only one who knows your old story. So you have to be able to see it true by yourself. And perhaps the saddest thing about people who constantly imitate others is that they lack originality. It's like it's maybe also they've spent so much time becoming what everyone else needed them to be, instead of ever having an opportunity to see who they are. And maybe you've done this too. Most of us have at some point in our life, you know. At some point in our life, we've all worn masks. I'm not going to sit here and say I haven't. We've all followed a crowd, we've all borrowed ideas, and really where the change and the maturity happens is when we stop asking, well, what will make people accept me and start asking what's true for me? That's what I do now with every decision I'm going to make. I don't ask a lot of people, I don't think, you know, is this going to get me lots of likes? Is this going to get me, you know, sitting at different tables with different people? I actually ask myself, you know, is this true for me? Is this who I am as a person? And does this align with the things that I believe in? Because a meaningful life isn't built by copying someone else. It's built really, really slowly through mistakes. And in those mistakes, you have to learn from them. Like, I'm gonna make mistakes again in my life a million percent, but I'll learn from each of them, and then I'll just go on and make a different mistake, but I'll constantly learn, you know. Having a meaningful life, well, as I said, it's not built by copying someone else's, it's built really, really slowly through self-reflection, through courage, and in the quiet lifelong process of becoming who you no longer need to borrow a life from or an identity. It's by building the future and the life that you were always meant to have. And remember, a person who knows who they are doesn't need to become everybody else, they simply become more full of themselves and true to who they are and who they were always meant to be. I hope you've enjoyed listening today. Thanks for listening to the reset series.