Why Do Some People Struggle With Saying No?

Saying “no” sounds simple, yet for many people it feels uncomfortable, guilt-inducing, or even impossible. Often, the struggle isn’t about the request itself—it’s about the fear of disappointing others, creating conflict, or being seen as selfish. Many of us were taught that being helpful, agreeable, and available is the key to acceptance and connection.

In this episode of The Reset Series, I explore the deeper reasons behind people-pleasing, the emotional weight of guilt, and why setting boundaries can feel so difficult. Most importantly, I discuss how learning to say “no” isn’t an act of rejection, it’s an act of self-respect. Because every time we say yes to something that drains us, we may be saying no to something we truly need.

Join me as I unpack the power of healthy boundaries and discover how one small word can create more balance, authenticity, and peace in our lives.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the reset series. Today's episode is called Why Do So Many People Struggle with Saying No? And have you ever felt drained because you gave too much of yourself to others? Well, I think a lot of people can relate to this, and I used to be this person myself. I was always giving my time to other people and getting very little back in return. Most of the time actually leaving myself so short that I didn't even have any time for myself. And I suppose what's really important in this is that boundaries are really important when you think about time. And what are boundaries and why are they so important? Really, what a boundary is is it's a healthy limit that protects your time, your energy, your emotions, and your values from other people. It's what's yours and only yours, and that's why we should protect them. Boundaries matter, and they matter because they prevent burnout and they prevent resentment. If you're giving your time to other people consistently and you're doing it unwillingly and you don't want to do it, well that's where then resentment is going to come in. Boundaries improve relationships by creating mutual respect between two people where they both know what to expect from the other person. They help prioritize mental and emotional well-being because you're living a life that's true to you and you don't feel like you're being taken advantage by anybody. And they allow you to show up for your best self, and that's really important. It's important that we have boundaries set for ourselves because that means we're living a life that's true to us, but we're also living a life that's doing exactly what we want to do. So the signs that you need to set better boundaries are like if you're consistently feeling overwhelmed, you're consistently feeling irritated, you know, people are really starting to get on your nerves. You immediately say yes to people, but in your head you're saying no. You feel guilty every single time you take time for yourself, and you resent other people because you feel like they're taking advantage of you. Well, they're all red flags that you need to set better boundaries, and people have become accustomed to the fact that you have no boundaries, so therefore they've pushed the limits now and they're starting to take advantage of you. And the reason so many people struggle with boundaries is it's not because they're weak and it isn't because they're lacking in something, it's really because they don't want to disappoint other people, they're afraid of disappointing someone, so they'd rather say yes and overstretch themselves than actually let somebody down by saying, actually, I can't do that right now. They have an underlying desire to be liked, and most people have that. Most people want to be liked, most people want to be liked by other people, you know, and that's okay. But if you're letting that desire to be liked push you into a situation where you're close to burnout and you're starting to resent other people, well, then it's a problem. And then this feeds into someone who has people-pleasing habits, so they like to please other people. Again, not a bad thing. It is, though, if you're doing it all the time in every aspect of your life, and it is if you're letting people take advantage of you because ultimately, human nature, people will take advantage of you. If people see a weakness in you and they see that you're eager to please and you want to say yes, well, they are going to push the boundaries. And deep down, a lot of people who let people do this is they actually believe that setting boundaries is selfish, they think that it makes you a very selfish person and that you just are not giving of your time in any way, but it's actually not, it's not the truth. Setting boundaries shows that you're showing up for yourself and you have a genuine respect for your own life and your own boundaries, and what you will and will not accept for yourself. So, how do you set healthy boundaries if you've been giving your time to so many people and you haven't been setting them your whole life? What I'd say is I wouldn't start immediately, you know, trying to implement every change, but you can start implementing small changes. And I think it's really important to also be aware that when people see a change in you, they're not going to like it, like they're not going to like it. If people are used to you saying yes to everything, so you're the go-to person that people go to, and you're the person who says yes, oh sure, look, she'll do it, or look, he'll do it. When you start saying no and being a little bit, you know, stricter with your time, well, they're not gonna like that because you're not kind of obliging them anymore. But I suppose an easy way to start doing it is just be really clear and be really honest when you're speaking with somebody, you know. Like, think to yourself if someone's asking you a question and they're asking you to do something. Well, before you actually say yes, think to yourself like, is this really what I want? Do I really want to do this, or do I have something else that would be better for me to do right now? And like just learn to say no, you don't have to give a reason. Like, I used to give reasons all the time to people. If I was asked to do something, I might say, No, I can't because I have to do this or I have to do that, and it'd be this totally overcomplicated reason. And to be perfectly honest, it was none of their business why I wasn't going to do what they asked me to do. But for some reason, if you're that type of a person, you feel like you owe these people um some kind of an explanation and you don't. So if you're not available to do something, just simply say no and do not over-explain why, and be really clear with your expectations as early as you can. So if you know down the line that you're not going to be able to do something, like don't be mean about it and leave it to the very last minute and turn around and say to somebody on the day before, I actually can't do that now. When you could have told them a week before. Like, there's give and take in this situation as well. You don't have to do it at the very last minute. And yeah, I think I've said this already. Like, everyone, not everyone is gonna like, they're not gonna like the fact that you've started setting boundaries, especially if you've been somebody like that the whole time, they're going to give a bit of pushback on this. So that's okay, that's alright, and that doesn't even mean that they don't like it, it doesn't mean that they're bad people, it just means that they're used to you being a certain way, and all of a sudden you flip the narrative, and they're not really sure what to do with that now, so it's slightly confusing for them. The biggest thing you need to do with this is stay consistent. So I had friends before where I would have always said yes to them, you know, because I wanted to fit into the friend group and they were childhood friends, I grew up with them, I wanted to spend time with them, and I felt like if I said yes to everything, that they'd like me more, they'd invite me to more things. Well, shock horror, they didn't. What happened was I actually just ended up sitting waiting for them to ask me to do stuff, and I missed out on so many other opportunities. But a couple of times before I fully decided to set boundaries, a couple of times I kind of dipped my toe in it and I half set boundaries. And when I set those boundaries, then the next time I wasn't consistent, so I would immediately go back to being the yes person. So they kind of sniffed that out, you know, and they knew I wasn't really serious about what I was doing or what I was saying, so they used that to their advantage, and lo and behold, they fell back into old habits, and I fell back into old habits. So if you're going to set boundaries, you have to be really consistent with it, you have to set the boundaries, you have to be consistent, and that's just the way you are going forward. And I know it'll be hard, it is hard, and it is really tough to do that, especially if you're like a people pleaser and you generally like to help people. But word of advice: generally, people who are people pleasers are actually really tired, they don't want to be like that, and they're generally doing very, very little for themselves, and like this is your life. And although it's great to help other people, and yes, we all should help other people sometimes, not to the detriment of yourself, you should never ever ever put other people's needs before yourself unless it's a minor and you have to, that's totally different. But I'm talking about your friends or your family, like, put yourself first, you should be top of the list for you. Your priority list should have you up at the very top 80% of the week, and that's just the way it is. And remember, like, boundaries are not about controlling others, they're just about taking responsibility for your own life and for your own self and for your own needs. That's what they're about. They're not about creating arguments with people, they're not about causing conflict, and they might cause a little bit of conflict, but that's purely because you're changing who you are as a person, and the people who have been on the receiving end of your people pleasing, they're not gonna like it, and that's fine. And generally, over time, things pan out and people will just start to respect your boundaries. But if they don't respect your boundaries, well then they're not really worth being in your life in the first place, and you should question whether you really want to have somebody like that in your life or not. You know, a reset doesn't always have to mean changing your whole life completely. I've spoken about this before. People presume when you're going to reset your life and you're gonna set boundaries and you're gonna do this, that it's a complete overhaul, and you have to start looking at every aspect of your life, and that's usually when people are kind of setting themselves up for failure because, like, that's just unrealistic. It is unrealistic to look at every aspect of your life overnight and decide to just overhaul it. It's it's too intense, it's too traumatic, and it's actually too much of a big deal to do that in one go. It's too big of a change, especially if you've been this type of a person your whole life, which I'm I'm betting you have, you know. So, the best advice is just ease yourself into it. So, like, start with something small. Don't say no to someone who you've always said yes to and they really need you to do this thing, you know, it's gonna cause a big argument. Pick something really, really small, or just be a little bit more precious with your time and work. Like, if you're the person that your door is always open, even if it's a virtual door, everybody comes to you, you're the go-to person, you skip your break, you know, you're always there. Oh, good old, you know, whatever, really helpful, can always go to her. She doesn't really care, you know, she'll always answer the question. Well, just start setting boundaries and say, these are the times I'm available for questions. The rest of the time, I actually have work I need to get on to myself, and that means then you're just setting a healthy boundary where you're only available for questions between like 3 to 4 p.m. during the day or 10 a.m. to 11am in the morning, and then people start to think, Oh, actually, like she has a bit of a respect for herself, you know, she's a bit of control over herself, and they actually start to see it in a much better light. Sometimes it simply means that you've to learn to protect your peace and just value your time, and like it's okay to say no, you have permission to say no. This is your life, this is your life that you're living. Nobody should have authority over your life, only you. And if you don't want to do something, well, stop it immediately. Stop saying yes to that person and stop doing that thing and giving your time because when the time comes and there's no more time left, you're gonna be sorry that you gave all that time because, like, think of all the wonderful things you could be doing with that time. And I leave you with this healthy boundaries are the foundations to healthy relationships, and that is just a fact. If you don't have boundaries, you're gonna have relationships in your life that are filled with people who don't respect you and don't respect your time or value you in any shape or form. So, if you want to have better relationships with people, well then start setting healthy boundaries for yourself, which in turn will mean people will respect you more and they will also respect your boundaries. Thanks for listening to the episode of the reset series.