I made the change… so why don’t I feel better yet?

I thought quitting would fix everything… but somehow I felt worse before I felt better.

In this episode, I talk about the grief that comes after choosing yourself.
The strange emptiness that can follow a decision you know was right.
The shame of pausing while everyone else seems to keep moving.
And the identity crisis that happens when you no longer recognize the version of yourself you used to be.

We talk about:
– comparing yourself to your “old self”
– feeling behind, lost, or embarrassed for not having clear answers
– high expectations, perfectionism, and the pressure to always move forward
– the exhaustion of wearing a mask for so long
– grieving a version of yourself that once saved you

This episode is also about the girl who finally learned how to take up space.
Something she's been afraid of her entire life..

If you’ve ever felt sad after you've made a big decision, and you're questioning if you made the right decision, this one is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, and welcome to another episode of Inner Language. My name is Alice, and today we're gonna talk about something that a lot of people misunderstand. A lot of people think that as soon as you make a decision, something that you've been postponing for a really long time for whatever reason, but then at some point you decide to do it. So let's say you quit your job, you break up with someone because it's no longer working anymore, you move abroad, you do the thing you've always dreamed of doing, people kind of think that in that moment it will fix everything, and all of a sudden you will feel happy and relieved that you've taken that decision. And of course, a part of that is there, but honestly, it feels worse first before it feels better. And in this episode, I'm gonna talk a little bit about why that is, and two things you might subconsciously be doing that make you feel like this. So let's dig into this. I'm so happy that you're here. And the first reason is that you might be comparing yourself. And there are two people that you are usually comparing yourself to, and one of them is your old self, and the other one is comparing to other people. Now let's start talking about comparing yourself to your old self. This is something that many people do in different stages when they make a decision. So I did this when I quit my job and I felt like I had no energy. I was comparing myself to my old self, the version that had so much energy, that had motivation, inspiration to do things, and now all of a sudden I couldn't do anything anymore, and I desperately needed a break. But I also see this happening in people who move abroad. So let's say you just moved and you're in a new environment, you don't know anyone yet, you need to start over, and all of a sudden you realize whoa, I used to have such a vibrant friend group, I used to be so active, I used to be part of so many things, and now I'm by myself on the couch, and I don't know what to do, and I don't know anyone, and you feel miserable because you're starting over. So, this is something you can really apply to many stages in in life, and one of the reasons that you might feel very sad, even though you're thinking, Yeah, but the change that I made is actually something good, right? It might take you a while to see it that way, and you're really just comparing yourself to a version of yourself that was happier and feeling guilty that you're not feeling like that right now. And then the second thing that you might be comparing yourself with is with other people. And I feel like nowadays this is so much worse because of social media and because people share their highlights and their amazing accomplishments on LinkedIn and the promotions that they've made. But if you just quit your job and you're not in that stage, it can be very triggering. Or if you hear stories from friends where they are, just generally stories in which you think everyone is very happy except for you, makes you feel even worse. So, in case you're feeling sad, in case you made a decision and you're questioning, was it the right thing? Did I make the right decision? And you still feel sad, just ask yourself the question: Am I comparing myself either to a past version of myself or to other people? Because there's a big chance that you might be doing this. And in case you find yourself doing this, just realize that nothing is as it seems. Definitely not on social media. I don't think there's a human in the world that is always permanently happy and successful. I feel like we all go through stages where we completely question our entire existence and we need those phases too because we learn so much about ourselves and then we can redirect ourselves to something that actually aligns with ourselves more. So it's very important to go through these phases too. And something that was also very hard for me is when I was comparing myself to my old self, I feel like my entire 20s I spent improving myself, so climbing a certain career ladder, like whatever you are on. I was really trying to look more successful from the outside, and as soon as I hit 30, I realized that that's actually not what I want. I was chasing that because I was told that this is what you should do. Like the entire society told me that this is the path towards happiness, and then later I realized that I actually don't really care about that anymore. So I felt like I went through this whole identity crisis, realizing that the things that I thought were important are actually not important to me personally, and I prefer maybe working less or working on something meaningful that actually fulfills me rather than pleasing other people because that's honestly what I was doing my entire life. So the fact that I was stuck wasn't really a bad signal, it was actually redirecting me towards something that is actually a lot more true for me than what I thought was true for me. So comparing myself was definitely not helping, and it's something that you might be doing that I think a lot of people are doing when they are in a face like this. So the other thing that is kind of linked to it that I realized that I was also doing, and that I feel like so many other people are doing as well, is I was having really high expectations of myself. I was really expecting myself to constantly be better and to move up and to constantly get closer towards my dreams, and that every year I felt like I needed to be a better version of me the year before that. So the sensation of I'm now going five steps backwards is something that in my mind was a failure. It's something that no one ever taught me that it was a possibility. So, really, if you just made a decision and you feel really bad about it, ask yourself these two questions. Am I comparing myself to other people? And is that making me sad? Or do I have really high expectations of myself? And is that hard to navigate for me? We are often under the impression that an adult choice is the right choice. But because of this experience, I realized that an adult choice is often the choice that allows you to listen to your needs. If you can get real with yourself and if you can ask yourself, am I really happy right now? Is the life that I'm living fulfilling? And does the life that I'm living actually aligns with my values and not the values of other people? That is a very adult question to ask yourself. And if you can take a decision based on that question and not based on what does society tell me that I should do next, that is such an adult thing to do. Because, like I already explained in one of my previous episodes, I decided to go back into nursing even though I had already left nursing. So in the moment I left that profession, I kind of left it with the idea I need to explore myself more. I want to develop in a different field, I want to explore other interests that I have. So I kind of left it in a stage where I was very ambitious and I was very determined to get new insights and new experiences. That's the reason I left nursing. But now I was in a completely different situation. I wasn't ambitious at that moment. I didn't need an environment where I could explore more interest and do even more than that. No, I was really looking for an environment that didn't expect so much from me. And not that nursing is not a demanding job, like it really is, but like I already explained before, I picked a field where there is like the least amount of pressure that you could possibly find, and where people don't expect me to grow and to express myself further if that's not what I want. So I had to rewire that in my brain that it's not always about going forward. Sometimes it's really about staying true to yourself and listening to yourself and realizing what do I need right now and where can I find this. So that's all related to the job that I was working in and all the feelings that I had towards that. Now, at the same time, I also made the decision to quit my Instagram channel, and I was in a niche that I outgrew. I was talking about how I learned Greek in one year, and I was helping other people to learn Greek. And even when I started this channel, I knew of course, this is not going to be something that I'm gonna see myself doing for the rest of my life. There's gonna come a point where I don't like talking about this topic anymore, and there's gonna come a point where it's time for me to change to something else. Because I mean it's only 1% of who I am, of course, and I have different interests. But I was never prepared for this moment that when this would come, and especially when you build up a community and there are so many people following you, and you get all these messages of people who love what you're doing, how hard it is to then quit and let people know, like, listen, I've changed and I'm gonna go into a different direction. Because it feels like you're letting so many people down. I really felt like right now there are people who love my content and who follow me for my journey and who find it so inspiring, and now I'm gonna have to tell them, I'm so sorry, but I'm not gonna do that anymore. It's almost to a point where I felt responsible for all of their needs. So it came with this whole new image that I had built up. It's the identity that I had created, that I was the person that so many people looked up to and that they were relying on to give them advice on how to learn a language or how to learn Greek in particular. And I was now at a point where I needed to let go of that image, and that was so hard. Like the whole process of how to do this was so hard. And I actually wrote a diary entry about this because I was just crying writing down how much this channel meant to me. And while I was writing it down, it came to a point where I got to the core of the grief, you know, the core of why it was so hard for me to let go of that channel. And instead of telling you about it, I was thinking, why not read that diary passage out loud that I wrote down at that moment when I was feeling like that, just in case there's someone out there who feels the exact same about a decision that they need to make, but they can't quite put it into words. This is what I wrote down about this whole stage that I was in. I feel like I've lived my whole life keeping myself small. I never spoke up, I never expressed a different opinion out of fear people wouldn't like me. I was always the quiet girl, the humble one. I was the nice girl that everyone liked, and I was convinced I had nothing important to say. But then she appeared, that brave girl that started an Instagram channel three years ago, who overcame about every level of imposter syndrome, who poured out all of her energy, heart, and soul into this project, who loved it, who discovered a new version of herself, who grew so much, who learned so many things, and who finally found something she was truly passionate about. She really saved me, and letting her go breaks me and even feels like I'm betraying myself. Because she didn't just start a channel, it's like she pulled me out of hiding. She didn't just create content, but she created permission. She gave me permission that I'm allowed to take up space. Something I've struggled with for my entire life. And letting that girl go, letting that version of me go, feels unbearable. Because it's like she didn't just save me, but she taught me how to live bigger. My god, it's like when I'm reading this, I'm trying really not to cry because this is really what it was all about for me. It's a version of me that gave me a voice, a voice that I didn't even know I had. It's a voice that I never had, and I didn't even know I was capable of it. And the fact that she started this, or the fact that I started this, the younger version of me, meant so much to me, and that's why it was so hard for me. Because it's not just the project that I started that didn't have meaning to me. It was so incredibly meaningful to me. This whole thing that I started, I think it was the first thing that I've ever started in my entire life that felt so close to who I truly am, and it felt so close to the person that I want to be, and that I see myself being in the future, and having to let that go, at least in that moment, I had to let that go, and it just really felt like I have to say goodbye to that part of me was so hard, was so hard. So if you've let go of something you poured so much of your heart into, ask yourself what part of me am I actually grieving? Because that's usually what it's all about, and usually that's the part that you shouldn't let go of, maybe in this exact project, but you can still find that part of you in a next project that you are starting, like what I'm doing right now with this podcast, for example. And another thing I also try to do is that I try to find meaning in the thing I'm letting go of. Like, why did I start this? What did I learn from that? Why was this so important to me to start? And if I can find meaning in that, then I realize wow, I've grown so much from it, I gained so much confidence because of it. Thanks to that, I found my voice, or maybe for you it's something entirely different that you're going through. But find meaning in the phase that you were in, and ask yourself the question, what did I learn from that experience? Because it's gonna be easier for you to let it go then and to look back on it with positive feelings. Alright, now let me sum up quickly what I talked about. So the reason change usually feels worse before it gets better is because we are often comparing ourselves, comparing ourselves to previous versions of ourselves, and also comparing ourselves to other people. And it's also because we have very high expectations of ourselves and we often feel like success always needs to be linear. Well, in reality, it is not like that. It's often going five steps back, going back into something you thought you would quit forever and you would never go back into, but then it becomes something that you need again. And I also talked about the grief of letting go of a version of yourself and how hard something like that can be. But later I learned that this is actually only the surface of the feelings that you have. There is something deeper underneath all of these feelings. There is a deeper fear that comes with it, and it's the reason why we often feel stuck and why it is so hard for us to move forward. And that is something I'm gonna be talking about in the next episode. I am so happy that you are here. Thank you so much for listening to my podcast episode. I really hope that this resonates with you in some kind of way, and I could really show you how important it is to let go of your mask, stay true to yourself regardless of what anyone says about that. I'm such a big advocate for making this world a more real place because I needed that. I needed people who were more real about their experiences to help me show me that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm not the only one going through a change like this. Okay, so I will see you in the next episode.