The fear of not being good enough

Many of the biggest decisions in our lives seem to be about what we should do.

Should I leave this relationship?
Should I start a business?
Should I move cities?
Should I quit my job?
Should I go back to school?

But often, we're not really afraid of the decision itself.

We're afraid of what the decision says about us.

What if I'm not good enough for a different life?
What if I fail?
What will other people think?
What if they discover that I have no idea what I'm doing?

In this episode, I explore the deeper fear that lives underneath perfectionism, overthinking, productivity, and self-doubt: the fear of not being enough.

In this episode you'll learn:
• Why major life decisions often trigger deeper fears about self-worth
• How imposter syndrome keeps us stuck in self-doubt
• Why external achievements never fully solve the feeling of "not enough"
• How fear of judgment shapes our choices
• What it means to build a life from self-acceptance instead of self-improvement

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, and welcome to another episode of Inner Language. My name is Alice, and today we're gonna go deep. We're gonna talk about a fear that so many people are experiencing, the fear of not being good enough. And in the last episode, I was talking about how I was having really high expectations of myself, how much I struggled with choosing something that felt like I was going backwards, and that I constantly had this feeling of always having to be productive, of always having to achieve something, do something, and today we're gonna talk about the feeling that is behind that, which is the feeling of not being good enough. So I hope you're ready. I am so glad that you're here. I wanna start this episode with a little story because last year when I felt so stuck and I felt like I lost myself completely, I had no clue who I was, I was dealing with so many fears and so much uncertainty. I thought I'm either gonna go to therapy or I'm gonna do something drastic, and I decided to kind of do the last thing because I felt like I wish I could just disappear and I could go somewhere where I would just work on myself for an entire week, and that's exactly what I did, and I found a course or a retreat called Path of Love, and I decided to sign up for it. Now, the funny thing is about Path of Love is they don't tell you what's gonna happen. The only thing you know is that you are a weak around other people. The only thing you know is that you're gonna have to share a lot, so you're gonna have to talk about your deepest fears, about the things that you don't want anyone to know about you. You know it's gonna be intense, you know you're gonna be away from the entire society, they're gonna take your phone, you cannot have your phone, and that's pretty much it. You don't know what the structure is gonna be like. I tried asking them because obviously your mind always wants to have security, and I tried asking them, what are we gonna do? What are the assignments gonna be like, but they wouldn't tell you. And of course, I'm also not gonna spoil it in this episode in case someone's listening who wants to do this retreat, they want to keep it a secret. So, of course, I'm not gonna share anything about it, but I can tell you about how incredibly transformative this retreat has been in my life, and it's I think it's one of the best things that I've ever done for myself, and how much it changed for me. So I went on this retreat and it was so incredibly intense. For seven days straight, they give you assignment after assignment. It's about a lot of journaling, you have to release emotions, you have to talk about things, it's a lot about sharing. And the idea is that you slowly remember who you are, because I think that's kind of the purpose of for all of us that we go back to the core and that we remember who we are before the world told us who we had to be. Because if you look at the feeling of I constantly need to be productive, I constantly need to be achieving something, that is also something that is encouraged a lot by society. And throughout your entire life, you've gotten praise for that. Whether that's getting a good grade for an exam or something that you have created, people always constantly praise you for the things that you accomplish and that you achieve. So at some point you start to associate that with being worthy, and we start thinking if I'm not constantly producing things, then I'm not worthy. And in that retreat, they really made me aware of that. So I was doing a lot of assignments, I had to work a lot with my emotions, releasing your emotions, about realizing even how many emotions that we subtly neglect, whether that's anger or sadness, and they help you express them anyway. And they give you tips on how to manage them. But one thing that really stood out to me, and especially when I was sharing and sharing things about my life with other people, being very open and vulnerable, and other people were doing exactly the same thing, I realized how incredibly similar we all are, and how pretty much everyone that joined the retreat, and I think this goes for people all around the world, is dealing with the same fears, and one of them is the fear of not being good enough. And you can apply this fear to pretty much everything. It's not just if I'm not productive, then I'm not good enough, but it's also you can apply it to a relationship, a business that you're starting that you're thinking, am I good enough to do this? You can apply it to moving abroad. Uh, if you want to go back to school, am I good enough for that? If you want to take a job, should I quit? But what if I'm not good enough for that? It you can kind of apply it to everything. Because something that I've realized also through meditation and by actually listening to what's going on inside of my mind, and something that I heard from a lot of other people as well, is that many people have this voice in their head, and it's kind of this like really nasty mean voice that tells you actually, you can't really do anything, and at some point the entire world is gonna find out about that. So you're afraid I'm not really qualified for this job, and at some point everyone's gonna find out about that. I'm actually not lovable, and at some point my partner is gonna find out about that. I'm not really a good friend, and at some point my friends are gonna find out about that. Like you can apply this to so many situations that you're in. And the more that we were talking about this feeling, the more that people actually admit it that they have the same voice going on in their head, that they're telling themselves the same story, and that everyone was kind of admitting that in daily life, also to survive in the society, people are putting on a mask, and people are pretending, pretending to be a really good version, pretending that they're good enough. People are constantly trying to show you the best version of themselves because they are terrified if you see the other side, if they're actually vulnerable about their fears, if they're actually vulnerable about the things that they struggle with, that they're not lovable anymore, that you might not like them anymore, that you might not be their friend anymore. And that is a big thing that I myself was also struggling with. And the funny thing is, when I was doing this retreat, and when I was sharing my insecurities, I realized that these are exactly the things that people love about you. Everything that I was telling myself, like, oh, if people find out that I'm not a perfect human being, then they will not like me anymore. That is such a lie that I have been telling myself because it was actually the opposite. The more imperfect I was, the more I was talking about my fears, the more I was expressing my imperfections, the more people actually liked me. Because I was honest, because I was vulnerable, because it made them feel like they weren't the only ones feeling like this. And I loved realizing that. It was such a bonding moment with the group that I had and being able to express seriously everything that I was worried about, and realizing that I'm not the only one who struggles with that, and the things that I kept secret are actually not that secret because pretty much everyone else is trying to hide the same secret. Slowly it started to dawn to me how many beliefs of other people I have subconsciously adopted in order to survive in this world. And I came more and more to the conclusion that it is actually not about becoming more. It's not about becoming more successful, it's about becoming more productive, it's about reaching more titles, it's actually about doing less. It's more about unbecoming everything that you thought you had to be in order to be loved and to realize that you are loved anyway. You don't have to prove your worth. You are already worthy. And that's such a big realization that I had at some point that I realized, like, wow, I've I'm doing this to myself. I'm putting all these expectations on myself. I always felt like other people have so many expectations of me, but I later realized, no, I have a lot of expectations of me. I'm trying to be perfect, or I'm trying to put on a mask that I have learned at some point that that's apparently the way that you should go through life because everyone's doing this. I I don't think there's anything that you can necessarily do that make you feel good enough. It's really about accepting yourself for who you are, and once you accept yourself, both the good things about yourself and your imperfections, like especially your imperfections, what once you start accepting those and not pushing them away anymore, everything will change. Isn't it funny when you think about it that so many people are struggling with the same fears and yet we all go through life pretending that we have it all together? Pretending that we're all good enough, even though deep down we're terrified, like all of us, that at some point anyone's gonna figure out that that's not true. If there is one thing that I've learned from that retreat, is that I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to go through life anymore wearing a mask, pretending to be a version of me that I'm not. And that is the main reason I burned out, is because I was trying to adapt and because I was wearing a mask, and because I was dealing a lot with this fear of I'm not good enough and I need to adapt to everyone else. And the whole reason I was doing this, especially, is because I saw other people doing it. If you ask them about their lives, they often tell you about all the accomplishments and the amazing things they are doing, and then we start comparing ourselves to all these people, and we think they all have it all better figured out and they're so ahead of us. But that's because people always tell you about the good things and the accomplishments that are happening in their lives. You see it everywhere, you see it on social media, on Instagram, people show you their best side on LinkedIn. People are telling about their accomplishments. So no wonder we all feel like we're behind or we're not good enough, and everyone else is. Once I really saw the imperfections, and once I was in an environment where people were open about their imperfections and shared their fears with other people, and this created such a bond, it almost came to a point that I didn't want to go back to normal society anymore. Like it was it's so strange. Like I really thought after a week, like, how how do I even fit in to my old life? Now that I've experienced this, now that I've experienced so much realness, so much authenticity, so much vulnerability, and I realize how important that is to me. But of course, I realize that I don't have to live my old life anymore. I can take this with me and I can actually use it to inspire other people as well. Because I notice even in my friendships and my relationships now, I'm a lot more vulnerable. And how wonderful would this world be if we could all do that a bit more? Talk about our struggles a bit more. Taking off the mask, because it's another thing, it's exhausting. And having to wear this mask all the time is so incredibly exhausting. So, really, if you recognize yourself in this and you have the feeling I'm not good enough, but maybe if I produce things, or maybe if I do more, or maybe if I achieve something, then I will finally have the feeling that I'm good enough. I can already tell you that this feeling is never gonna disappear that way. It will only go away once you start accepting yourself for who you are, and once you start realizing that there is nothing that you have to do to prove your worth. You are already worthy, you are already lovable, you are already good enough. It's just that you've forgotten about it. People throughout your life have made you feel that way, but that is not true, and it is never too late for you to go back to your core, to remember who you are, and to start loving yourself for the person that you are. Because you deserve that. It is really your ego telling you that you're so different from everyone else, that you are the only one struggling with this, that you are so separate from everyone else, but really we are so alike and we are so much more connected than we realize. And I find it so fascinating that we all kind of go through this life pretending that we all have it figured out while in reality we are dealing with the same fears, and especially when you are at the workplace and people are wearing this mask. Next time, be aware that there is so much that you don't know about your colleagues. There's so much you don't know about your friends, you have no idea the things that people are hiding because they're afraid of it, and it's not because they don't trust you enough to share it, it's because they have this underlying belief that if they share it, they're not loved anymore. And that's pretty much the worst thing that can happen to us as people, not being loved because we are social creatures. Vulnerability is one of the hardest things and one of the bravest things to do. Admitting that you are not perfect is one of the bravest things that you can do. So, really, next time you feel like you're not good enough, remind yourself that nobody feels good enough. You are not alone in that, and you actually are. You've been good enough your entire life, but you've just forgotten about it. Alright, that's how I want to end this episode. I really hope this could help you a little bit with this topic. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening to my podcast. Thank you for shining your light. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for looking after other people. Thank you for just being you. Because in the end, you are unique, and whether you believe it or not, you have a place in this world. I will see you in the next episode.