Relatively Well
A podcast by Mary Vogt and Sharisse Zeroonian that explores the intersection of art, health, and disability.
Relatively Well
Episode 4: Banned From The Oncology Ward
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In this episode, Mary and Sharisse discuss stories from past workplaces (including a children's hospital, a TV station, and a restaurant where a violent assault took place), reconciling day jobs with artistic aspirations (especially when they're the wrong kind of environment for an artist to be in), what we can learn from human suffering, and what it means to be successful. Sharisse has a special message for an old grad school nemesis and former hospital colleagues. We also learn why parents who work in clinical research should never do Career Day at school.
Computer. And welcome back. This is episode four of Relatively Well. I'm Sharice Sarunian. I'm Mary Vogue. And today is gonna be fun. We're gonna be talking a lot about work stories: the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible, the hysterical, the cringe. Emphasis on the ugly. Yeah. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Do you want to talk a little bit about the ugly? Well, I I mean, so I'm newly laid off. So I'm currently floating uh in the underemployed space. Uh I say underemployed because I'm starting to get freelance work now. So um but I haven't yeah, I haven't been here in probably like three years. Um it feels weird to be sort of floating in this in-between state. But it's also been very freeing and uh, you know, I I'm 28, I'm still young, so I I feel like I have really I could go in any path at this point. Obviously, my focus is in marketing, but I I'm open to anything. Um you know, I might I have an opportunity to work for a museum, so I might go down that path, and that could take me in a different direction. So I think it's very uh exciting as well to be in this space. And I try I try to view it as exciting more than uh nerve-wracking and scary.
SPEAKER_01That's a good way to think about it. Because like I remember when I I lost my job a few years ago, and it was it was unexpected, but I also figured it was coming because it was just a it's not a great place to be. But it was like um I was terrified at first, and I also took it as like, well, you know, my my boss even said, like, you're gonna look back on this and think this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I I think that's a stretch, but the boss that laid you off said that.
SPEAKER_00Yes, he did.
SPEAKER_01Yes, he did. I was like, I think it's the best thing that ever happened to you, quite frankly.
SPEAKER_00For me, that's just like that's a weird way to talk and flow, but like, okay, right on.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, but it was um, it's like that quote I've heard like the two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. By the way, I'm gonna be like periodically muting myself to cough because I'm at the very, very, very end of a horrible over week-long cold. So I'm sorry. Yeah, so you'll hear like little silent moments for me, and that's that's fine. That's not me drifting off. I'm just coughing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, totally cool with that.
SPEAKER_00Um but no, but but uh so you you've been laid off, you've experienced that before. What was it like for you getting back into the workplace? Because I find whenever I've had these little gaps of employment in my life, um, it's taken me a bit of time and mental energy to try and get back into a job again, especially if you're working in an office like that. Right, that's an adjustment because you're having to interact with people all day instead of just like sitting and talking to yourself.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Sure. It didn't take me very long to find work again. It only took like a couple weeks. Frankly, I had this interview with the place I work for now. I have two different workplaces. And at one of them, this is a it's a place where it's an enrichment center, it's where kids learn like writing and math. And they had an interview that was it was a mock lesson that you had to prepare for. And the boss and the um, like the what is she really? She's an admin, but she's like a vice boss, kind of. They were playing the kids, and they're making it realistic because they would like I'd be teaching something and they would interrupt with something completely irrelevant as kids are wont to do, and it was a test to see how well you could handle that. And I must have done pretty well. Like one of the vocabulary words for the kids of running in.
SPEAKER_00Why can't we eat grass? Exactly.
SPEAKER_01That's those are the kinds of questions I field all the time. But they um, like, for example, one of the vocabulary words was Trek. And I said something like, I think one I said, like, not like Star Trek, that's a show that your parents know. And the the what the one teachers was like, My dad knows that a little spock. Live long and prosper. For those listening to audio, I'm doing a live long and prosper. But um anyway, they so it was done and they got back to me and they were like, Okay, um, we'll let you know in a couple weeks. All right, and then literally, like not three seconds later, I get an email saying, Welcome to the team. So they pretty much hired me on the spot. And I was like, wow, I must have done a really good job. Okay, and then I also my the second job I had at that time was that I got hired to work at Boston Children's Children's Hospital as a hospital tutor. And out of all the jobs I had, I think this is the one that I'll talk about the most today because it fits the wellness and health theme very well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I a lot of my hellish work stories revolve around my time in restaurants. So oh man. When I was living in New Hampshire from like the ages of 19 to 23, um or 24, I was working at restaurants. The scene in New Hampshire was not that chaotic. I mean, you would deal with drunk people here and there, but it was pretty manageable. It wasn't until I started working in restaurants in New York that things started to get really crazy, and the things I would see, and obviously, like I would meet celebrities pretty often. Um in New Hampshire?
SPEAKER_01That's I wouldn't.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay. Yeah, no, in New York. Um, you know, like I worked at a Russian restaurant in uh Hell's Kitchen in Manhattan for a couple years, and uh you know, you can imagine Russians vodka bar. Uh those two things don't go super well together. Um, and it's kind of a recipe for fucking madness. Um, but like I mean Gerard Butler came in one time, he was plastered with his friends, but very nice, nice guy. Uh I'm trying to think who else I met. I met a lot of older uh subrays, like old from old movies. I met an actress who was on Love Boat. I don't know if you remember Love Boat, but I haven't seen it, but I know of it. It was an older show. Yeah. Um she would come in with her assistant pretty often. Um Cindy Lopper came in once. I didn't go which was really sad. Um but aside from the interesting people, we had really just like off the charts uh guests that would come in. And I remember the last night I worked there, um this man came in and he was married to a Victoria's Secret model. She was fairly like she was one of those Victoria's Secret models that was sort of it wasn't like an Adriana Lima or anything like that. Like you kind of she wasn't as known, but like she would I think she walked in a show or two. Um but he he was a regular and he would come in with her. And one night, it was a Friday or Saturday night. I always worked the weekends, and that was when it was at its worst. And they came in with their kid. And I was like, oh boy, like this four-year-old girl. And they weren't really drinking when they first came in, they were mostly eating. Um, and they left. A lot of people would come to eat, do whatever, maybe drink a little bit, and then they'd go to another bar, and things would get bad when they would come back because they would be so plastered where they went previously. Yeah, they would come back, and a lot of these people were friends with the owner, so they would drink for free and stuff, so they really took advantage of that. But they came back after going to another bar, both of them drunk as a skunk, um, still had their little kid with them, which I was just like that's insane. Um and things got like kind of heavy. The husband was just this big, like burly Russian guy. Um, and they were both, you know, his wife was very tall, she was a supermodel, um, and he was very tall, very like commanding people. Um and he was standing at the bar and he was blocking a couple of the bar seats, and these two like businessmen were coming in, and uh they were trying to sit at the bar, but he was blocking the only two seats available. So I had gone over nicely and I'd said, Hey, I knew his name, so I was like, Hey, whatever his name was. Um, can you just like move back to the table? These two gentlemen want to sit down, and he just was not listening to me. And I think I didn't speak Russian, and I think he didn't want to talk to me unless I spoke Russian. So it's like, okay. So I told uh my boss, the co-owner, I said he's not moving away. I already told him he's like, okay, I'll deal with it. So he went over, he tried to get him to go. The guy was like refusing, like he had his arms crossed, and my boss was like, You need to go. Like you're being now you're being disruptive, and now you're causing a scene, right? Like you're refusing to leave. You're both you and your wife are drunk, you have your kid here, which I can't have that liability, right? Um, you need to go. And he just hauls off and smacks my boss in the face. Oh I'm like right there when this is happening. So I'm like, I don't know what to do. My boss hauls off, punches him in the face. So they start going at it. And I'm like, okay. So I go back to we didn't have it was dude, it was so bad. We didn't have management, we are barely not have management. The mother, the mother was kind of the manager, but not really. He wasn't there. Um, the brother, there was just like no structure. So we had this one like lovely, lovely gay man who had worked there for years, and he was kind of because he had been there for so many years, I guess he was kind of a manager. Um, so I went back and I I said to him, Hey, look, dude, like Nick and this guy, they're starting to go out. And mind you, we have tons of customers in the restaurant at this time. They're all looking, they're all getting up from their seats, they're all like call, you know, they're all calling 911 because they're they don't have course no one wants to break it up because you're dealing with like a burly Russian man and another guy. Like, no one wants to touch that. Um, and there's a party happening, and they're all looking at me. They're like, You gotta do something. I said, I know. I'm like, I so one of the customers hands me, I didn't know where my phone was. My phone was in the back office or something, and he handed me his phone. He's like, please call 911. I said, Okay, he's like, you need to do it because you work here. I was like, I know, I understand. So I called 911. Um, and in that during that time, while I was on the phone, they're going at it, they go outside, they both come back in, blood all over them. Um people are trying to break it up, but they're just they're not letting up. The owner finally breaks free, goes behind the bar, gets a baseball bat, chases after this guy chases after this guy. And I guess while they were outside going at it, I don't know if he hit him in the head with the baseball bat or what, but he got this guy got really fucked up. Um, and the wife is outside, she's on the ground, she has blood all over her. So I go outside, I grab her, I don't grab her, but I like lift her by her arm, and someone else, like a passerby, brought her inside with me, like a really nice guy. He was just walking. I'm just gonna turn the AC on, but keep going. Okay. He saw what was going on. Um, and he brought her into the restaurant with me. Um my co-worker took the little girl upstairs because obviously, like if she saw what was happening, she'd be traumatized. I mean, she's like four years old. So we take the wife and the little girl upstairs, and we're cleaning them up and trying to get the wife, is just completely hysterical. Oh my god. Like, and I'm trying to like wipe blood off of her. I've got blood on me now.
SPEAKER_01That's like a health hazard, too.
SPEAKER_00Like, yeah, I've got like the sky's blood on me. Oh god. And finally the cops came. Um, they arrested my boss, and I don't, I think they had to take him to the hospital first. I think eventually he was arrested and had like a no trespassing and all that. Um, but I this is like kitchen nightmares type stuff. Like it was worse. Honestly, it's so much worse. Like this is only a fraction of what went down at that time. Um, and I I quit uh the next week. I said, I can't come back in. I was like, I don't feel safe. Um, you know, I I this is really bad. Um, you know, like this, I just I don't feel safe returning to work. Um it was unfortunate because I I loved the family and I, you know, I was close with the family, but I I couldn't possibly walk back into that situation. Um, so that's probably the worst. But uh I also worked at Tiffany, uh Tiffany and Co.
SPEAKER_02Oh geez. The Tiffany's?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I worked at the flagship on Fifth Ave. Um, I worked at the restaurant that was up on like the fifth floor, the cafe. Um and that was obviously there was no fighting like that. But like we had we had like some really uh you know crazy guests and high expectations. Um you know, and it it was just kind of nuts. It was nuts working there in a different way. Um but yeah, I I would say working in restaurants was uh not so great for my mental health, but I did learn a lot about uh dealing with people, obviously. Absolutely in public, like trying to problem solve on your feet, obviously trying to you know uh de-escalate.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I'm I am like great at de-escalating now because education is very similar in the education field when you have to deal with a lot of the same stuff.
SPEAKER_00I bet children, you know, de-escalating kids is not too different from de-escalating.
SPEAKER_01No, it's really not. And yes, like little drunk adults. I have a great story about that. When I used to work at a TV station, so a lot of people know I um who know me know that I've worked in, I used to work in community media for the longest time, like cable access and stuff that like 10 people watch like at midnight on TV. That's what we did. And um I still kind of help out on a volunteer basis, like with my friends, you know, when they need help, I'll come volunteer, but I'm not like there every day anymore. And at this point, we had um, they used to do vacation camps, and they don't anymore because of this story. So this was like a month before everything shut down due to COVID. It was February vacation. And I was running a filmmaking camp for the town kids. And there's this one little boy. At the time, I was working in an afterschool program. It was at that school down the street, and I had been warned about this kid before. Some of the teachers who, because he was in first grade, I work with the older kids. I didn't see much of him, but the first grade kindergarten teachers were like, oh, him, he you gotta watch out for him. Like he can get pretty violent. He'll he throws chairs. And I'm like, oh, he's not gonna do that. And um, well, so we're it's the first day, and I had it three strikes in your out system with the kids. Because, you know, when you're working with big equipment and cameras that are like twice the size of the kids, there's room for so much to go wrong. And I said, okay, there is no running around, there's no jumping on people, there's no touching anything without permission. And the first strike is a warning, second strike is you got to sit out for a little bit, and the third strike is you sit out for the rest of the day and we call home. And this kid blew through like all three of his strikes, I think within the first hour. Like he was jumping on people, he was squeezing people's heads. And I was like, if he's he was doing this in what we called the green room, it was like the lobby. And I said, if he's if he's doing this in the room when the equipment is not there, we cannot have him in the studio room. Like that, that's that's a lawsuit waiting to happen. So I said, when it was time to take the kids into that room, I was like, I'm sorry, I you're not being safe with your body. You blew the strike, so I you have to sit out for the rest of the day. You can't come in the studio. And he flipped out. And he picks up the office chairs. This is a six-year-old and like a tiny one at that office chairs, he starts hurling them at me at the other kids. And we had to get someone from the front desk because at that point you can't touch the kid, like by law, when they're in that state. So I gotta get a guy from the front desk to take all the other kids out and evacuate them and take them into the studio. And this kid is throwing stuff, he is flipping over tables. So I had to lock myself in the conference room, which has a big glass window, so I could still see him. And I called his mom, I'm like, You gotta come get him. And she went, Oh, Jesus. Like she was used to this, clearly. So she came to get him, and you know, we we talked about the situation, and I was dumb enough to allow him a second chance the next day, which my boss was not happy about, but I thought things would go better. Um, well, then the second day, it's kind of more of the same stuff. And the final straw was when he pushed another child. And I was going between three different rooms. It was just me. I had no helper. And I think it's actually probably illegal um to not have a student-teacher ratio, but we're not a school, so it was different. Yeah. And I said to him, you know, I I didn't see him push the kid, but other kids witnessed it, and he admitted to it. You know, I kind of got it out of him. I was like, Well, were you feeling angry? Yes, okay. What happened when you were feeling angry? And he said, I pushed him. And I was like, Okay, I'm sorry, that's not safe. You need to leave. And he starts, he's sitting on a stool, and I'm trying to help him down from the stool, and he's he's hitting me. Like he's refusing to get off. He's squatting at me. And then he starts kicking. Um, there's like a big cord for one of the cameras with like a sandbag on it, and he's kicking it. And he goes, get this camera out of here. And I go, Why? Are you gonna break the camera? And he's like, Yes, I am. I'm like, then you need to leave the room. So he leaves the room, same thing as yesterday. He is knocking the tape, not knocking the tables over, he's shoving them over. Really bad. He's throwing the chairs, but then he self-regulated. And then he goes, Can I draw? And I was like, Yes, you can draw.
SPEAKER_00Like, I'm happy that he I just wrecked this room. Can I sit down and can I draw?
SPEAKER_01I was like, whatever gets you through the rest of the day. Sure. So we call mom again, we tell her, like, listen, he can't come back. And so he his sister was allowed to stay, but he could not stay. Um, so he was gone from the program. And there's literally there's a no-fly list in the town of kids who are not allowed to come back to programs, and he's on that list. And he is, I it's been six years. I think he's still on that list. But it was just, I mean, I I felt bad because like it was clear that he had some problems. And they put him on medication, apparently it worked wonders, and he didn't have such incidents anymore. But that's the kind of stuff you gotta deal with when you work in that field.
SPEAKER_00My mom was a special education teacher. For 15 years. Oh wow. Um and I mean the thing she would deal with kids same thing. Like kids flipping tables over, kids throwing scissors. Oh my god. Yep, I've dealt with that. Kids trying to hit you. Like, and they had they had a room in the special ed room. It was like a separate, it was like a door in a room with no windows. And basically, like you had to put the kid in there. If they were starting a ballot, they had to go in that room, and then the school psychologist was like called immediately, and she would have to go down and try and talk the kid down. Um, but usually, yeah, like the parents were called immediately, and if they were being violent, they were suspended. Um, but she she dealt with that a lot. And her one of her last years teaching before COVID, um, she had a kid who like was starting to hit and was starting to bite, and she was she knew right then and there, she's like, I don't know if they ever hit or bit her, but she saw the child like hit and bite other kids and bite their paraprofessional. Um and she was like, I gotta retire. Like this is like this is just exhausting. I can't deal with this. Um so she ended up retiring around COVID because then obviously they had the whole virtual learning thing, and that was a lot to deal with.
SPEAKER_03So yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um but yeah, like kids, there's a lot of serious, serious behavioral issues now.
SPEAKER_01Oh, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00You wonder like where does where does that come from?
SPEAKER_01There's so many, there's a lot of factors, and one of them is yes, I I think the constant overstimulation with technology is definitely part of it. I think a lot of it is um has to do with COVID because some of them fell so behind developmentally, they didn't they, you know, they missed out on the chance to learn how to behave like humans because they were kind of, you know, they're kept out of those settings for so long. Also, I think the expectations on kids now are Herculean and it doesn't match developmentally what's going on. Like I um I worked in my elementary school for a little bit and I saw what used to be the kindergarten, my kindergarten classroom. It didn't even look like a kindergarten classroom anymore. Like a lot of the toys were out. I didn't see like the playhouse. Maybe, maybe you know, I didn't get to stick my head all the way in the room, but yeah, even from outside, like in the playground, you can see the window of the classroom. I didn't see a lot of that. And it's like it's kindergarten is full day now in a lot of places. When I went, it was half day, but you had the option to like stay later. And you know, kids are being asked to do homework or standardized testing in kindergarten in some places, and that should not be happening. We have kindergarten they're doing standardized testing in some schools, they do apparently, well, from what I've heard. And it's it's all about collecting data and getting, you know, and kids are expected to do things now that they wouldn't have been like 20, 25 years ago.
SPEAKER_00It's a part of common core, right? Like all the standardized tests.
SPEAKER_01I guess I don't work in public school, we have our own curriculum, and it's and yeah, I have issues with that one too. That's way too advanced. My kids are a little older, but still it's like, you know, and they've taken like we used to have like there are blocks where I work in the classroom, and those blocks are meant for the math classes for the kids to play, but I used to let the kids play with it when they were done with their work to get some energy out, and they'd stop letting me do that. And I'm like, okay, now they're wandering around aimlessly and poking each other and distracting each other and touching each other and getting like what do you want me to do? So I had to start like bringing stuff from home for them to play with, which is fine, but it's like you know, it could be they don't take the the play out of the here.
SPEAKER_00Here's a here's a spatula, have fun.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, but that's good, and kids need to learn um how to be they also need to learn how to be bored. That's the thing. I don't think they have that anymore in a lot of cases.
SPEAKER_00No, I think a lot of kids on the other side of things, kids need to be stimulated more, and like the way that they know how is through video games or TikTok.
SPEAKER_01And it's hard because this kind of leads into what I wanted to say today. It's the systems as they are now, the education system does not benefit, I think, a large chunk of kids. Um, kids who are neurodivergent, certainly, kids who have mental health problems. And the thing is, when you grow up being kind of one of those kids, I mean, I wasn't, I don't think I was behaving to the extreme of some of these kids today. It was a different time, different thing, but it was like, and the funny thing is um something I think about a lot is when being an artist, someone who doesn't naturally thrive in that kind of environment, someone who didn't when they were a kid, and then now as an adult, um having to be back in that cycle and teach and uphold the same systems that did not work for me when I was younger and still don't really work for me as an adult. There are a lot of things I struggle with as a teacher. Um, a lot of the interpersonal conflicts that I've had with other teachers has to do with the type of that there's a certain type of personality that I believe you need to really thrive in that field. Someone who's a little bit rigid, a little bit dogmatic, maybe even conformist. And an artist is traditionally none of those things. So it can be very, very difficult to get along with people like that in that scenario. And I hate, you know, and the thing is for a lot of artists, teaching is like one of the only ways to make a living if you're not doing it from your art, um, primarily. And it's like, great, now I've got to be preaching things I don't necessarily believe in. Now I've got to be um doing things in a a way that doesn't fit how my brain works or how the brains of a lot of these kids work. You know, now I've got to be an authority figure, and I, you know, all the things that I would normally balk at, I'm now a part of that machine, and it's a very weird moral corner.
SPEAKER_00You're almost like you're practicing stuff that you yourself don't preach, and that's right, it like it goes against your own values and um your beliefs too. And then it's hard.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I've tried to reconcile it and I've tried to um push back against it as much as I can. Like, for example, if a kid does an assignment the wrong way, yeah, I don't scold them like you did this wrong and you don't know how to follow directions and the stuff that I heard when I was a kid, but not like a girl did it today. I teach on the weekends. This is a weekend class. Um and it was some there's they're learning how to, they're in like third grade, so they're learning how to write procedurally. Like, first do this, next, last, so they can practice learning transitions and the warm-up assignment, which is you know, these workbooks are pre-made. Um, so I didn't choose the lesson. It was a do a how-to list of how to how to do something, like how to ride a bike, how to cook a recipe, whatever. And this one girl, instead of writing how to do something, she wrote a story about it. And I was like, you know, and it was a really nice story. And I said, This is a really good story. That's awesome. Um, I'd like to, I'd like to see you write a list the way I did it on the board, but it's a really nice story and it's good writing. So I made sure to say what she did right, but also say, but this was what the expectations were, rather than making her feel bad or obtuse or something like that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you don't you almost don't want it. That that's the thing that I would have a really hard time with as a teacher, is like sticking to those rigid processes.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's tough.
SPEAKER_00And you want to encourage children to think differently and be creative and and you know, almost challenge the status quo. And when you're in a situation where you have to like tell them, okay, this is good, but you have to do it this way, I would have a hard time with that because I would want to be encouraging them to do the opposite thing if that's what felt right for them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, that's what I say too. Like, if someone says, um, so the thematic unit of this whole course is like Greek mythology. And so somebody would say, like, you know, does this have to be set in ancient Greece? I'd be like, you can set it like on the moon as long as it hits these expectations, as long as it includes this, this, this, and that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like yes. I would get fired so fast too. I mean, my kids would be writing stories about like uh the how they became Captain Crunch.
SPEAKER_01Like I do allow that as long as it fits the parameters. Like one of them says you have to include Odysseus because they're reading the Odyssey, you know, like a kid's version of it. And like, okay, it has to include Odysseus, but you know, he could be on Mars, he could be at the pet store, whatever, as long as it includes him, like what it said. And um, but like you, yeah, you encourage creativity and things like that, but you kind of, you know, it's kind of hard to do within the confines of that. Um, I am known for giving long breaks, uh, more for my sanity than theirs. It also gives me time to prep, like what we're doing on the board, like a model. Because one of the things with kids this age is you got you can't just say, hey, write this. You gotta like do the assignment yourself so they see what it looks like and they know it's expected of them. So it gives me time to do that. And also movement breaks at the beginning of the day. We always go on YouTube and we find like a like a dance video or an exercise video, and they it kind of helps them get the physical energy out. Um, but yeah, and and it's very you know, it's kind of hard, but I think I've gotten a lot better at it. I've gotten better, I think, at enforcing authority because that's I see you being wait.
SPEAKER_00Did you ever watch New Girl?
SPEAKER_01No, I haven't watched New I I've seen a little bit of New Girl, actually.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I see you being like best day, like as a teacher. That's who I imagine you being, but maybe I'm wrong.
SPEAKER_01You know, you could I have to watch that. I've only seen like a little snippet with Zoe De Chanel and some guy character, but no, it's um the character that I play in my web series, inconsistent effort, is very similar to who I am. I think um there's a lot of it. It's funny because I actually don't I can't say I like being a teacher because of the thing, and also because I consider it like um a symbol of my artistic failure, the fact that I have to do it, um, which is tough.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, it's let's unpack that a bit.
SPEAKER_01Sure, let's unpack that.
SPEAKER_00This is always this ends up turning into a co-therapy session. I love that. Um no, like uh do you feel um you don't feel I hope you don't feel like a sense of failure in your art because you're doing that.
SPEAKER_01I don't know, I I I do, and it's funny because when I when I used to work in my elementary school, that was a really tough period. Also, because of health stuff. I was also going through a lot of medical testing, and it was just it was hard to go to work feeling not my best physically, but it was um it was hard working at the place where I went to school because a lot of those same teachers were like, Oh my god, I'm gonna, you're gonna, I'm gonna see you as a super famous writer one day. I'm gonna see you. The reason why I write is because of my first grade teacher, who has sadly since passed away. But, you know, and she I did write my first book before she passed away. I just couldn't track her down, show it to her. And we didn't really get along at all, which is funny that she believed in me so much. But it's like I would go back and just be reminded of the past and all these teachers who thought, like, man, what happened? Like, we we imagined so much for you was just a really hard thing to deal with. And I guess because um also in my family, I I think because my brother had had such a hard time in the school system being disabled, I think there was a negative perception of education as a field in my family that I kind of grew up with. And it's funny, I I first went to school to be a teacher, and I ended up switching out of the education program because of how toxic it was, and I wasn't doing super well because of a lot of the things we talked about the rigidity and the conformity, like when I had ideas, people actually said my ideas were dumb. Like other classmates would say that, and it was just not not cool at all. Not encouraging. And I'm sorry to say this, maybe it's internalized misogyny, but a very woman-heavy field, you're gonna have some behavior. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00And I think when you were in New York last, and we all like you, me, Stephanie, Mackenzie, we all went to dinner. I we don't have to like get into the nitty-gritty, but I remember I remember you talking about like you worked somewhere, you were part of a project, and there was a a co-worker who was like a little older, but she was a woman, and she was like very like acted jealous and stuff like that.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that that was a classmate. That was a classmate at grad school.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like that that exists a lot, um, especially in higher ed. Um, and there's just a weird, unspoken competitiveness. Um oh absolutely, and it's I I dealt with it with uh like female coworkers for sure. There was just this weird energy. I did I have had a couple female coworkers that were, in my opinion, true leaders. And I think they they would see a younger woman and they would think, oh, I want to help her, I want to guide her, I want to nurture. And those were the people that I think I actually looked up to and I respected, and I actually found those people to be most successful because I have a notion that um, you know, if if you're truly successful, you're not threatened by sure, and you want to uplift other people, that's what you should be doing.
SPEAKER_01And it's like, I'm sorry, if you're like 45-50 and you're still tearing people down, like it's middle school, see a doctor. See a doctor. You're right. It's time to schedule that colonoscopy and go, oh, you know what? I'm ahead of her because I already had my colonoscopy when I was 23. I'm finally ahead of you in Sunfall, bitch. Who's winning now? Who's winning now, bitch?
SPEAKER_00Who's winning now? Motherfucker. No, for real. Yeah, no, it's it's sad. And I've always said, you know, if I ever get to that point in my career where I'm in a position um to lead a team or yeah uh have younger women who are working under me. I just I want to help them and I want to build them up because I felt in in a lot of situations I didn't have that, especially at times where I I could have used it. Sure. Um and I would never want to be that person who knocked someone down. Yeah. And I also think, too, like there's not even just women, but um men, men as well in higher up positions, they feel as though it's a rite of passage. Like you have to, oh, you this is just something you have to deal with in order to get to the level you want to be. You know, you just like this is a part of of uh you know, growing in your career is is like all this tough love and this, you know, uh like I'm just trying to teach you a lesson. I'm trying to this was something that was always phrased to me, and I couldn't stand. Oh, this is gonna give you thick skin.
SPEAKER_02I'm like maybe it won't.
SPEAKER_00Maybe it won't. Maybe it'll just make me like anxious. Like, you know, I d also I don't care to have thick skin, right? I would like to remain soft if I can't. Um but I I had a boss who you know I'd grown very close with, but she was in many ways, like, you know, very she would yell at me a lot, she would like talk down to me a lot, and she's like, Well, you know what? This is gonna build you up, this is gonna give you thick skin. I'm like, but you know what, like I I just don't think that's setting someone up for success. I think that's just giving giving someone more um anxiety and more stress than what's needed. And I I really uh loathe that statement of like, well, I'm doing this to give you thick skin, I'm doing this to teach you a lesson, I'm doing this to it's like, no, you're not, you're just you have your own shit and you're projecting it onto someone else.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're you're like more likely to become stronger if somebody nurtures you right and fills you with encouragement belief. That's what I believe.
SPEAKER_00And I I just really resent that statement. Um, because I don't, you know, in many ways, I I do think that the things I've been through have made me a tougher person, but yeah, also for worse, not for better.
SPEAKER_01It depends, yeah. You know, I uh yeah, anyway, but but it's no, I I I get that, and it's um and it it's cre well, it depends on your job. I was just thinking about this the other day. So when I said like I used to work at a children's hospital, Boston Children's as a tutor, many people know don't know that kind of job exists. And what it is is um if kids are in the hospital for a prolonged period of time, they're missing a lot of school, they've got to keep up with their schoolwork, and that's where I would come in. And um, I used to go to the oncology ward, I used to go to the cardiac ward, the transplant ward. Um, I had I used to go to the dialysis ward. Dialysis is outpatient, but they were there for like three hours at a time, like a few days a week. So they missed a lot of school. So they qualified. I had psych patients, and I have to say, I think they're my favorite ones. Um I didn't go to the psych ward, it's because so this is and this is in the news, so it's it's not a secret at children's. Um, they have a huge problem with overcrowding in the psych ward, like there aren't enough beds. So those kids, the overflow, they will have to go to neurology and wait to be admitted to psych. And because I couldn't go to psych because security clearance to work there is a nightmare as a regular employee, but to go to psych, you have to have like an extra special, there's another layer, and I didn't have that. Um, so I would just have to go to neurology and see these kids. And it's and people have asked, like that, that is so emotionally demanding. I don't know how you did it. And honestly, I think I don't know what that says about me. I think you almost have to be a little bit of a sociopath to not break down crying every day, walking into like especially the oncology ward, for example. And um, because that wasn't my problem. Like, I had a lot of anxiety and uh other problems while I was there, but it wasn't because of the kids or their situation, it was the staff. There's a lot of very toxic staff. But as far as you know, like yeah, I was a little scared at first because I had not been around people with a lot of these conditions, thankfully, because we don't have like a history of that in my family. But once I got used to it, honestly, and here is where we talk about, you know, because we talk about the intersection of art and and health. I think the movies really get it wrong. When you see like childhood cancer movies, they're always seen as being dark and depressing and like, yeah, they're the what you see is very sad. But honestly, it didn't feel like that in the hospital. And I think this is a testament to the amazing work that they do, especially the child life team. Um, I'll talk about what a child life specialist is in a minute for those who don't know. But the work that they did and the social workers to make it not feel like such a scary place. Like they did a lot of activities with the kids, like especially on holidays or special days. Like Halloween was a big deal. They would have like a big parade, they would like bring in all kinds of fun stuff for the kids to do. And it was really, you know, they had music therapists and art therapists, and it was really um, like I wouldn't say it was a happy environment, but it really wasn't this doom and gloom thing that the movies make it out to be. And the kids, you know, if you you if you take away the tubes and the the chess ports and stuff, they're really just kids. Like I remember this one boy who, you know, one of the cancer patients, he had this big yoga ball and he used to bounce this thing in the hallway and he would love it. Like it would threaten to knock over all the nurses and their carts, and he would just have a blast, you know. And a lot of these kids, I played Mario Kart with like many a transplant patient, and I lost every single time. It was embarrassing. I used to drive into the same thing over and over again, but it's like, you know, they're and and it's funny because the movies showed them as like almost like little wise old people who are like, you know, they they know everything there is to know about life and death, almost like they're these oracles, but like they're really just kids, and they're not just symbols for suffering. Like these are real kids with real identities, and they want to be treated with respect and do all the same kids that other kids do.
SPEAKER_00There's a girl, not she's not. A kid. She's like 26 or 27. She's in her late 20s. Around our around my age, anyway. Um, and her name is Sydney Toll, and she's on Instagram and TikTok, mostly on TikTok, and she's been super transparent. She has a rare kind of bile duct cancer, and I can't remember the full name of it. It's like angiosarcoma or something, but it it's a rare um type of bile duct cancer. And even she, I mean, I I've been so inspired by her and her content because she's just so positive. She lives in New York City, you know, obviously a very overwhelming place to live. Yes. If you don't have that happening in your life, um, and even throughout like her chemo and her, you know, negative results, positive results. Uh, you know, she's doing uh trials uh for treatment, clinical trials. Some of it's working, some of it's not. Um she's just so positive. And I I have to imagine being around that type of positivity and seeing people who are in such a uh dire state medically, but are still so their outlook on life and and how they feel about life is so um, you know, uh not I'm trying to think of another word for positive. No, I know what you mean.
SPEAKER_02And and when we Jamie, can you get at the source, please? Jamie. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but um we needed we needed Jamie.
SPEAKER_00I think the last couple episodes we've been like, no, we needed Jamie.
SPEAKER_01But it's like, I mean, I get what you're saying, and also with with our situation too, with our shared health issue that we've talked about. I know it's not to the level of some of the stuff we're talking about, but I I I when I I was diagnosed while I was working there, and and I, you know, it kind of helped me empathize a little bit like with the kids in a way, because like, for example, when the kid was um, there's like a coup a couple kids who just they were just done. They didn't want to do any work. They're like, you know, I'm too, don't you understand? Like, I'm I'm you know, I'm too emotionally tired, I'm too physically tired. It's like I understand, you know, I I don't have what you have, but I know what it's like to not be able to do work because of a medical condition. I know what it's like to just feel like giving up without going into my own history. We I kind of said that. And but it's just, you know, there's another thing is that the kids are grateful, and that's something that you don't see when you're always when you're working in a regular school. Um, there's a lot of apathy these days in education in the classroom, but in the hospital saying the kids are grateful for you to be there because a lot of times they have like a stack of missing assignments, and when you help them check like one thing off the list, they're like, Thank you so much. You really helped me. I'm so glad. And the parents are grateful for you too, you know, because this is one of the things that they used to remind us of when we worked there is that this is the one thing that they have control over. They don't have control over their kids' health, the outcome, but they have control over school and education. So this is like the one thing that helped them have like a somewhat normal experience. And the parents are like really grateful that you're there, you know. And it's sometimes the parents they could be like um sometimes it could be a little irritable or upset, but you you excused it because you know that their mental health was not the best. I it was it was super embarrassing when I um I was I was trying to help a kid with algebra and I I had to ask a parent for help.
SPEAKER_00So bad. I don't remember anything. Y equals mx plus b or whatever.
SPEAKER_01It's like sorry, yeah, I know your kid is like you know on dead's door, but can you help me like please? I know you're dealing with it. It was so bad, it's so embarrassing.
SPEAKER_00I need help with algebra, but it's yeah, but there was like you don't have already enough to deal with, you gotta help me with algebra.
SPEAKER_01They're gonna help me with my stupid like fifth grade math ass. But there there was that, but at one point it was also very stressful because I was the only tutor for the entire hospital at one point. Oh, that's a lot, the only one, and I did not have a helper until like toward the end of my time there, and um, they paid him more than me, even though he was like a young kid who was maybe 22. He was a nice kid, but I think they paid him more because like they gave him the rate, and he was like, No, I I want more, and he asked for more and he got it. Um, that's a skill that I should be working on. But he was an art, it is tough, and he was um there he wasn't bad at his job per se, but I think he didn't have an education background. And he um I and you know, I don't blame him because I remember when I was that age and when I was a very young teacher, I definitely got flustered more easily. I definitely lost my patience a lot more, and with time, those skills were come, those skills will come. I think um, but there were some times where he kind of I think he didn't get along with certain patients as well, and I don't think he knew like developmentally what they should be learning sometimes by a certain age. So some of the parents would say, we don't want this guy anymore, he's not getting along with the kid, we want you instead. So I so I was doing well. I knew I was doing well, but my issue was like some of the staff were just on the oncology floor specifically, it was the child life specialist. Now, for those who don't know what that is, they're a very important part of the children's hospital experience. They're kind of like something in between a therapist and a teacher, if that makes sense. Their job is to provide emotional and educational support to the kids for what they're going through. Like, for example, they're there to help the kids understand why they're there and help them cope. So, like if a kid is going through chemotherapy, for example, they'll get like maybe a medical play doll with like a chess port, and they'll have the kids like practice taking the bandage off and like this is what a port is, this is what that is. So they understand and they're not as scared of what's happening to them. They also provide a lot of procedural support. Like, if they're a kid who has a kid who has a fear of needles, for example, they'll like call childlife and they'll maybe come in and like they'll show a movie like to the kid, or they'll like distract them with toys or bubbles or something. And you know, they're also responsible for any educational support, like a kid keeping up with school, you got to go through the childlife department. So, and they like I said, they do so much good work for the hospital, and some of them were great, but the ones on the oncology floor were just like there's a whole team of them, and they used to get mad at me for things I could not control. They're like, Why is the paperwork not going through for the student? Dude, I don't know. That's the super the school superintendent would have to process the paperwork. That's a them problem, it's not a me problem. And they used to just pick at me for every little thing, and finally I snapped and I sent an email that I didn't think was that bad. Apparently, it was it was bad enough to get me banned from the ward. But all I said was, look, I got banned. Yes, I got banned from an oncology ward. They put my picture up and saying, Do not allow. Oh my god. I mean, twist my arm, it's not a place you want to be, but it's also like, and literally all I said was, dude, I I I'm tired of being made to feel incompetent. I'm the only person like handling all these cases. I'm not superwoman. I have problems, you know, I have health problems on my own. Like, please, and apparently the ban was not a punishment, it was more of like a is she okay thing, but that's a like that's what they claim. I was never um oh my god. I I yeah, that that was a rough time.
SPEAKER_00I was still banned.
SPEAKER_01I think I'm still banned, though I don't work here anymore. But it's not funny.
SPEAKER_00I wish that was more of a flex for you.
SPEAKER_01I you know it it is. I'm like probably the only person on earth who's banned from an oncology ward. That's another thing I'm way ahead of. I've accomplished the colonoscopy, I've accomplished the oncology ward ban. Yeah, what's new? Yeah, what's next? And to those people, I sincerely hope. I don't know how how familiar you are with the Longwood Medical Area in Boston, but there's a there's okay. I was gonna it's gonna be funny, but I guess now it's not. There's a there's a bridge like in the air that it connects children's hospital to Dana Farber, which is a famous cancer hospital, so that the patients can go between the inpatient and outpatient clinic. And what I want to say is I hope that like they all form a conga line one day, they're walking down that bridge, it just collapses. I hope that I hope the Dana Farber children's Jimmy Fun Bridge collapses while you're walking on it. I hope it collapses on me so that we're both put out of our misery, that I'm walking under it one day. I hope I'm doing the Jimmy Fun marathon in September. That thing collapses. And it'll be a great day for all of us, and the band will probably be, you know, it'll be done because I'll be dead and you'll be dead. It'll be fantastic. I really hope that, sincerely.
SPEAKER_02So bad, but I think so.
SPEAKER_01But anyway, it's so that was my experience there. I remember it. Like, I remember um they have a rooftop garden of the hospital. I remember contemplating suicide from the top of that garden. I was listening to Enya to calm down, and she wasn't helping. If you really want to, you can hear me say only if you want to. I'm like, don't tempt me, Enya, don't tempt me. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna jump from this garden. It was fucking nuts.
SPEAKER_00But I didn't walk by there without thinking of that now.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that was crazy. But that was that was it. That was me at children's hospital, and it was um, yeah, I don't know, but uh honestly, that was one of my most unique jobs. And um also they cut my pay, which wasn't worth it because I was paying for my own parking to come in. It was it was a it was a lot, dude. But it was there there was that going on, and um, but I I don't know. I it it's it sucked because when I was a kid, I dreamed of working at children. This was before I realized that I was too dumb to become a nurse or a doctor. Stop it. But I was like, I hope to work there one day. I was obsessed with there was a show called Boston Med at that time, and I was obsessed with that. I really want to work in medicine.
SPEAKER_00I wanted to be a doctor too, I get it. Yeah, I would have been I would have not uh would have been in a better position financially, certainly now if I had fallen.
SPEAKER_01No, but you know what's tough though? One thing that also kept me from it is I don't know if I could have dealt with the guilt of not being able to save a patient. Oh that would have been very, very hard. And that's that's something that I was aware of. And um that's also why though, why palliative care was somewhat attractive to me because it's like ah it's out of my hands.
SPEAKER_00It's okay, but yeah, okay, but you know the interesting thing though that I learned recently that palliative care is not just an end of life, of course, yeah. Just to like keep patients comfortable, and it's actually really good um just at managing the condition, and there's also like there's other people involved, like uh social workers, there's yes, you know, people that help uh those usually with a later stage that's right. I I used to yeah, it just it helps it it uh it put gets them in a better spot to fight the cancer.
SPEAKER_01And I I used to work at a one of my first jobs was I used to work at a hospice um organization as their video person for social media. Oh, interesting. So I got to see a lot of that stuff and hear about it as well. Yeah, but no, I've I've worked a lot of jobs in that sense. And my um I kind of come from a family of people that's all I'm gonna turn my light on one second. Yeah, yeah. Um, it's getting dark. Um my family is, you know, I I kind of come from that sort of background as well, a little bit. My um my family works in clinical research, so I kind of have that. This is brought to mind something else I was gonna ask because it goes into a funny story. Did your parents ever do career day at school when you were a kid?
SPEAKER_00Um if they if we had career day, my parents never volunteered to do it. Um, but my mom taught in the school system, so I think she was just like Yeah. People knew who she was. My dad, yeah, my dad worked in marketing at like a artist. So I think Yeah, I don't I I can't even remember, like oh, um a friend of mine in elementary school, her father came in. Actually, he was really fascinating. He was a professor at Philip Sexter Academy, yeah. Um, but he was also a forager. So he came in and he took our whole class out foraging for me.
SPEAKER_03That was fun.
SPEAKER_00So that was actually really fun. Um I can't remember like who other what other parents came in for that, but that's the one that I remember. Um I found the most interesting.
SPEAKER_01That's that's really cool. Forging. Yeah, we we had my mom did career day when I was in preschool, and it was diabolical. It was fucking diabolical because nobody was listening. And it was it's hard to explain to kids that young what a clinical trial is and all that. Looking back, I think she, I mean, the way I would have done it, just knowing because I've worked with kids for so long, is maybe like get a bunch of stuffed animals and have them give like pretend medicine and say, like, okay, does this one feel better? Does this one feel better? Is it working? Like happy face, sad face, and like they would. I I think it would have worked well, but it's gonna work. I don't think she knew that at the time. It was just her sitting in a chair trying to explain. And we have like there's like it's like, no, but yeah, well, it was this one kid was legit, he was making animal noises while my mom was talking. She's like, and we make medicine safe. It was a kid named it was a kid named Haig. I went to Armenian preschool as uh and and there was like five kids named Haig. They could have been an Armenian rock band called The Hygues. The Hygues. Like that would have been I'd listen to the Hygues. Yeah. What do you think their biggest hit would be? I don't know. The Higgs. I think it would be um help, my neighbor's Turkish, help. Now he's speaking Turkish, help. No, I need someone. Help! But I I love the Higgs. I'd I'd buy their record. I'd buy that. I'd buy that anyway. So the higes were were fucking up. The other high had like a happy meal toy with like, I don't know, you pulled a string and like it was like it would, it would fly, and he was launching that in the air while my mom was talking. The teacher was like, Haig, don't do that. Hype, don't do that. It was nuts, yeah. And I was even I found it hilarious that was my own mom being disrespected. Even I was disrespectful. So we had a book in our classroom called The Bad Manners Book, like a children's book on etiquette, and we were all obsessed with it. So, and I said to my, I just interrupted my own mom and I went, Mommy, do you know the bad manners book? So just the delicious irony of the situation. Want you to imagine that. And she goes, You know what you just did there? That's called changing the subject. And it was it was the funny, and so that went horribly wrong. And then she did it several years later for my brother's class. Um, my brother was when he was in fifth grade, he was in like the special class, but he was also he went to gen ed sometimes. Yeah, and so she was talking to, and that conversation went a little differently because they were old, much older kids. But she said, Yes, we help make drugs safe. And the teacher stops her and goes, I just want to clarify, these are the good kinds of drugs, right? These are the good drugs because we're doing dare right now. We want to, we're talking about dare. Yeah, and so my mom was like, Yes, they're the good drugs. And she's like, like, she's decided to never do it again because it was just we thought your mom was like a fucking fentanyl dude. Oh my god. Exactly. That's it, and so yeah, it's just it's just hard to explain that to kids, but um, I kind of and I don't think my dad ever did it. My dad, for a while, he used to work for the MWRA, which was um Massachusetts Water, I believe, resource association. He likes it basically like they supply all the water for the state of Massachusetts, they make sure it's safe to drink and all that. And um he I know he he quit. He works with he's been working with my mom ever since the inception of the company. I no, I think actually he joined a little bit later because he quit working there. And what he said at the time, the story that he said was that he wanted to basically be more devoted to family. And when I asked my mom about that, she's like, nah, he just he just couldn't work with anyone, he was an asshole. She didn't say he was an asshole, but that's my spin on it. She was like he just couldn't work with anybody. Like, yeah, I believe that. But he um there was that as far as my own, and that's another thing that kind of stings for me. It's like um feeling like I think I will never measure up to my mom who has achieved so much and done so much, and of course, I'm I'm in it, and she doesn't think she doesn't think of it that way.
SPEAKER_00I don't know if you can think I get it, right? Like I get feeling that way. Um but you're on a totally different trajectory, totally different career than your mom, and I think what success means to to each person is so individual. Yeah, it is.
SPEAKER_02It's it's it's hard to move.
SPEAKER_00I used to quantify like success to tons of money, and I I don't really do that anymore. I'm like, am I creatively fulfilled? That is like the biggest metric for me. It's like, am I create creatively fulfilled? If I'm not, then I need to pivot because that is such a big part of my life is feeling creatively fulfilled. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01The thing is, I don't know if it ever comes for me. It's almost like the goalposts get moved as I get older and older every time. And it's like, you know, 10 years ago, I remember like I had like a string of publications for stories. I was on MPR actually for a poem that I wrote. And when I was like 20, 21, 22, and I remember feeling like, you know, that there's so much hope. There's so much ahead of me. There, and I was like, and as I get older, it's like I've lost the ability to be happy with those smaller things. And I just you just want more and more and more. And I think success can be tricky in that way once you actually get it. It's so tough.
SPEAKER_00I do think like you can reach such a high level of success. I mean, you hear about it with wildly successful people, is they still just want more and more and more. And it's like, where's that cap, right? That's what I don't know. And you have to be happy with where that caps off.
SPEAKER_01And that's hard. It's like, yeah, like I had an and there's always some kind of qualify quant quantifier, qualifier. But I always say, like, yeah, like I had an Amazon show when I was 25, but it sucks. And like I not that's I mean, I don't know, people would say it sucks or not. It it's it's too, it's too family friendly, which I'm not sure I like. But it's like, you know, when you evolve, it's you know, it almost seems like what you do what you do is it's not it's not what it used to be anymore. And it's like, yeah, the today show thing happened with my movie, but it's like, yeah, but they made it more about my personal love story than the movie.
SPEAKER_00Why didn't you get that hoda copy interview? Like I feel like you were you were robbed of that.
SPEAKER_01I was robbed of what?
SPEAKER_00The Hoda copy copy interview. Like they should have brought you on with Kathy Lee and Hoda. They should have done that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. No, but that would have been the thing is I know they would have just probed me about my my personal experience and not to say weird about it. That really bothered me. And because I don't want people to think like some of the troll comments, a lot of them were like, oh, what a proud accomplishment to have this disease. And I know that's an awful thing to say to anybody, but it's like that's not true, that's not what the accomplishment is, and I don't want people to pick that. No, which really bothered me. But I mean, the movie, you know, I didn't want it to come second to what I was doing, and that's you know, but anyway, that's another thing. And I don't know, it's um and it's it's also the thing of I don't know if this goes back to my relationship with my dad, which isn't that it's a lot better than it used to be, but it's it still isn't great. It's funny because he has to be reminded that I'm a filmmaker. It's you know the remember the movie 50 First Dates. Yeah, yeah, she gets into the accident, she loses her memory, and she wakes up thinking every day is the same day. I'm saying this for like younger listeners who haven't seen the movie, but it's almost like that with my dad. Like, hello, this is your daughter, this is what she does. Here is the film, you gotta watch it every day. It seems and it's it's crazy because it's legit he'll be like, Wait, you make films? And like he's not even joking when he says it. And it it definitely like it's funny, but it really stinks. Like, I work with someone, yeah, I work with someone who is about my parents' age, he's my he's Employee of my parents, and we're fairly close-ish. We talk a lot. And I've yeah, I've confided some things in him. He's seen the films and stuff. And he's always been a really big supporter. And he um honestly, you know, he has a daughter who's a I think a little older than me. And he um he always he's an actress, she's been in some lifetime movies and stuff. Really, really, you know, really good stuff, and um that she's done. And I think I need a light now because I yeah, looks like you do. He's been so he goes to all of her things. I'll be back. He yeah, he's seen her movies multiple times, even the same movie multiple times, and it's like, man, I I wish I had a dad like that. I wish my dad would give a damn about the stuff that I do, like this guy does with his daughters. And my mom does that. My mom goes to a lot of my screenings, she's very supportive, she always wants to watch my stuff. So I think she she plays the role of two parents in a way. Um, but no, it's it's it's I'm I'm grateful for people like that. I'm grateful for the people who support me, whether they're blood or not. But it in some ways it's like, you know. Yeah, I have other family members who are completely in the dark about what I do, and it's not a cultural thing. It's not, it's you know, I would normally blame it on that, but my family all comes from the same culture, and I have some who are totally into my stuff and they eat it up. So I don't know what this is. I some family members I have who are just not interested in anything, and it's weird, like not even it's not you know, it's not even like they have movies they like or music they like, they're just they just exist, and that's fine for them, but it's like you know I would have a hard time yeah thriving with that, but anyway, um yeah, it's been tough, yeah. But it's okay though, because I do have a lot of support, and um, I don't know, just seeing things for what they are. It's tough. I don't know how much of this is like a biological serotonin thing. I had to go back on SSRIs recently because I was constantly having some very, very bad and scary thoughts, but that's all better now. The only thing is the the the Prozac appetite loss is real, man. Like, and that's not good when you already have GI problems, but it's like I gotta compel myself to eat, but it's it's all good.
SPEAKER_00I've been on Zoloft for 10 years now, and it's been like an up and down, like it can't like I've had to titrate my my dosage like a few times. Um yeah, I'd I'd like to not be on SSRIs eventually, yeah and just do like my mushroom gummies because I think that would be.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna try those. Sound good.
SPEAKER_00I gotta send you a link to them. Yes. But so uh the one thing I wanted to briefly ask if you want to plug in inconsistent effort.
SPEAKER_01That's inconsistent effort. We are still shooting. We're gonna shoot again on June 7th. Um, I put some like mini reels up there just to feed the algorithm. I've been putting like cast announcements and doing character bios. That is gonna be, and I'm still writing. I um I'm so happy when I'm writing. It's one of the things that really keeps me going. And I um the good thing about this is that the scenes are written on a rolling basis because it's a show and because each episode is like a little scene, they're kind of meant to be little snippets of someone's life. So it's meant to be watched out of context. I don't really have to worry about linear storytelling so much. So they're gonna keep coming out as they come out, and they're very short, so they get edited pretty fast. So just keep a lookout for those. And um, that's really all that I'm plugging now, I guess. People find that on YouTube. Uh no, they find it on Instagram for now. Full episodes will be on YouTube soon. It's just my computer having the capacity to export whole things, which is just tough. I think I gotta get a new laptop, but yeah.
SPEAKER_00Great. Yeah, I don't have anything to plug except I know I'd mentioned earlier, um, the Hire Mary. Hire me, right? Yes, hire me, please. Um and also I had mentioned earlier um Sydney Toll, the influencer with the rare file cancer. And I do want to plug her Instagram and our socials, it's I think at Sid S Y D Toll T-O-W-L-E. Um, she's incredible. Um, her videos have just been really inspiring to me, and I know many others. And um, you know, just seeing someone be uh so resilient during such a difficult time in their life, and how she just keeps going and like, okay, I have a setback, but I'm gonna keep going and I'm gonna find the next thing, I'm gonna find the next clinical trial. It's just really um it's like brighten my day. Whenever I see her content, I think it'll have to check that out. I think it'll brighten a lot of people's days. Yeah. You'd be interested in following her journey.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'll have to take a look at that.
SPEAKER_00So definitely if if whoever's listening to this, give her a follow because I think she is incredible. Um yeah, no, other than that, I don't I don't have anything else to plug. Um, thank you for listening to uh relatively well. I'm Mary Vote.
SPEAKER_02I'm sure you're cerunian. Otherwise, noticed Ammo! Amor loves you! Ammo loves you, Amor loves you. Bye. Bye.