A Daughter’s Questions, A Mother’s Truth”

 summary

Barbara Wallace shares her personal journey through pain, faith, and resilience, guided by her faith in Jesus Christ. Her daughter Katrina asks heartfelt questions about her hardest seasons, sacrifices, and how her faith carried her through life's challenges.

A grown daughter sits down with her mother—not just as a child anymore…

…but as a woman trying to understand:

•  the sacrifices 
•  the struggles 
•  the strength 
•  and the faith that carried her mother through difficult seasons.

Ever felt like you’re carrying the weight of the world alone? Here’s my heart on the silent struggles of motherhood.

Tag someone who needs to hear this!

As a mother, I've faced seasons of sacrifice and silent battles. My kids saw me as strong, but they didn’t witness the tears, the prayers, or the moments I struggled to hold it together.

Today, my daughter Katrina asks me the questions she has always wanted to know about those tough times. It’s not just a conversation; it’s a journey of pain and peace.

I remember nights spent crying alone, not wanting my kids to see my pain. But I realized that vulnerability can be a strength. The truth? Trusting in God and leaning on faith has always been my way back to light.

Every challenge I faced taught me resilience and faith. Remember, it’s okay to be strong and still feel weak. 

Maybe that’s the real lesson—embracing our struggles can lead to growth. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Hello, welcome to Planet by the Word. I'm your host, Barbara Wallace. Today I wanted to open my heart a little more and share something personal with you all. As a mother and as a woman, there are many seasons in my life where I had to make sacrifices, carry silent struggles, and find strength, even when I felt tied inside. And sometimes, as a mother, our children see us strong, but they don't see the tears, the prayers, the pressure, or the moments where we just were just trying to hold it together. So today is special to me because my oldest daughter, Katrina, is going to sit down and ask me some of the questions she always wanted to know as she grew older. Questions about how hard the seasons, what kept me from going, what I'm thinking during these difficult moments, and how my father and God carried me through it all. This is more than just a conversation. It's my journey through pain, my journey back to peace. So at this time, let us pray. Dear Father, in the name of Jesus, I thank you for this day. I ask that you bless this platform and that you lead the way. I am grateful for you, trusting me to spread the truth through any pains or dark places where any woman may be now. So, in the mighty name of Jesus, continue to use me as you see fit, and that it is pleasing in your eyesight, and Jesus' name, amen. So now I'm turning it over to my beautiful daughter, Katrina.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Hi everyone, I'm Katrina, Barbara's firstborn only daughter. You know, growing up I always saw you, mom as strong, and no matter what happened, you always found a way to keep going, even during the hardest times. But as I've gotten older, I've realized that there were likely things that you carried silently that I couldn't understand as a child. So today I just want to ask the questions that I never knew how to ask back then. Um, I've been thinking a lot about your journey and would love to hear your perspective on a few things. So growing up, I I always saw you as strong. Um, but were there any times that you felt like you were falling apart inside?

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Yes, for sure. During that time when you were in middle school and your brothers were in elementary school, I often wondered if I was strong enough. Being a single parent, and while deep inside I needed guidance and support from my family, since I was doing this all alone in another state outside of my home state in New Jersey, I felt that at any given moment I may fall completely apart, and during that time, I had not found a church home yet.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

What was one of the hardest seasons of your life that we as children may not have fully understood?

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Alright. One of the hardest seasons in my life was when I had decided to move from my hometown where I was born and raised in Jersey City here to Florida, leaving behind my family, my loved ones, and my church, where I called home. Now, us leaving your dad behind and your grandparents, for me, to do this all alone, I definitely didn't know if you all understood why I left. I just said, kids, we're packing up, we're moving to Florida, close to Disney.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

I think we saw it as an opportunity at the time, for sure. Um were you afraid of us not liking or enjoying the move or wanting to run away at all?

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Well, I didn't think that you knew as if it was uh me running away from any situation. I believe that you saw it again, like you said, as an adventure and that a new beginning and opening opportunities that we may or may not had in Jersey City.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

And also, you know, I think you should give yourself credit pat on the back because you've always made everything feel, you gave everything a sense of whimsy. Always. You always kept everything positive and upbeat, and I think that helps, especially a child at that age, me being about 12, um, Kevin and Corey, my younger brothers, you know, they were about three or four. And I think your positivity is what helped us to stay optimistic for that move. And so if you didn't know, I can tell you we were not worried. Ever. Ever worried. You know, were we gonna miss our family in New Jersey? Absolutely, but because you were just so positive and upbeat, um, we know your faith, you raised us well, we did go into that with high hopes, 100%. So thank you for that. You're welcome, dear. Um, and with that said, because that was a hard season, did you ever cry privately after trying to stay strong for everyone else?

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Oh, yes, I did. I cried so many nights. I was all alone in my bathroom, in my bedrooms, after you all went to bed, and after you all was asleep, I wanted to make sure you didn't hear or see me cry.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

That's surprising to hear. That's wow. Would have never known that. What you you um wow, that kind of took me back. That's why why did you feel you had to hide it from us?

SPEAKER_00 6:41

As a as a parent, you always want your children to look at you with a gleam in their eyes, like you said, hopeful and joyful and optimistic. So I didn't want you to ever experience any type of pain that I was carrying so that it didn't affect how you would go throughout your days.

SPEAKER_01 7:07

That makes sense. I think that also helped us um to be strong when we're facing adversity. Um, you know, and that comes into play in so many aspects of life, not just personal but work life. There's times that you kind of gotta, what does it say, pull your bootstraps up and keep it moving for sure? And so again, another example of you just being such a good example for us growing up. Oh yeah. Um, were there moments where you didn't know if things were gonna work out, but you just kept going anyway?

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Oh, absolutely, for sure. Because I was relying on myself, I wasn't trusting in God. I thought that I can make changes in my life on my own accordance, and forgetting that if I only repented and trusted in God that He would make a way, maybe then I wouldn't have felt like perhaps things would change. I was waking up every day doing the same thing over and over again, looking at my babies, the three of you, saying to myself, I have to keep going. But I was missing it. I couldn't see it or I couldn't accept, rather say, I refuse to say that I needed Jesus to see me through everything.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

And what kept you moving forward during those times?

SPEAKER_00 8:37

What kept me moving forward, the truth is, although I knew I couldn't let my babies down, like we mentioned before, because I was the sole provider. I had to come to a point that seeking my Lord and my Savior should have been first, who is everything in the times of troubles or any storms. You see, I was trying to work through it by myself, but that just wasn't working for me. This caused me to fall deeper into darkness and deeper into my own pain. Now, there is a scripture that comes to mind, which is Psalms 30 and 5, which says, Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning. Remembering that although I was going through, you know, this difficult time and crying for so long, this is true because I realize this later on. For the joy of the Lord is my strength, and I should have always relied on him. There's a there's something that I want to share with the audience, a situation that happened in my life, and it actually displayed my strength in the Lord. This was during a time for six whole months. I was unable to pay my rent, and every month I received a notice outside of my door that said I had three days to make a payment. And then there was this big red notice that said outside your door, you have to vacate within 24 hours, or you will be locked out of your apartment. Now, this went on for six whole months. Each time, what I did is I took those notices, placed it into my Bible. No particular chapter, no particular verse. I just placed it in my Bible, and I just trusted in God and that He would surely work it out for me. Then the seventh month came, and the office, corporate office came and they was examining their book ledgers of the complex, and they sent a different letter that said for me to come down and speak to them. And so the woman asked me, she said, Um, Miss Hicks, can you please provide us with proof that you paid six months? You see, for six whole months, we had a manager every month, a different manager, and none of them kept records for anybody, so we don't know who paid or anything. So I looked at the lady, and I had to be honest, I said, Um, ma'am, I don't have any proof because I didn't pay rent for six months. I was living rent-free at this apartment and not paying not one thing. And so she looked at me like, really? Seriously? And I said to her, I said, listen, it's tax time because it was December. I'm like, I always go and I do that rapid um loan, and whatever I get, you're more than happy to get it. I'll I'll pay you gladly. I'm not even gonna try to hide from it. So she she accepted my offer, and she actually took the amount of money that I gave her, which was so low beyond what I had to pay, and then she gave me this receipt saying paid in full. That demonstrated to me how God worked it all out. Nobody but God can do that, hide you for six months, although you had letters on your door saying you had to leave. But the grace of God, the power of God got me through that, and my faith, I was so glad that I had faith then to stand on his word. And you and your brothers and I never got put out of that apartment, and then God blessed us with a better place to live, which was in New Tampa. Wow, so led by faith. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Gosh, did you ever feel um just exhausted from trying to be everything for us?

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Absolutely, I did now to continue on what I was saying. I was trying first through you know all my pains, I was fighting through it, and this caused me to become extremely exhausted, so I had to start to wear a little more makeup to cover up the bags underneath my eyes. So this became to me like a mask. I would wear it during the daytime, putting on that fake smile, acting like everything was good in my life, and not showing anyone the pain that I felt inside or any of my struggles. So I was going through, I kept it kept me from reading my Bible, it kept me from praying to God, it kept me from asking God to forgive me, and then I started to believe that God has completely forgotten me. It felt it to me as if he was ignoring me and my problems, and of course, that was not it, it was all in my head. I even isolated myself from my family. I was too ashamed and too proud to ask for help, thinking that they would not help me or just understand. I thought they would judge me from anything, even if I reached out to anyone. So, yeah, I was exhausted because of that.

SPEAKER_01 14:27

Did you make do you have any like sacrifices? Like what sacrifices did you make as a mom that maybe we didn't notice?

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Well, my sacrifice, be honest, was nothing compared to Jesus, what he did for me when he died on the cross. But oftentimes I would make you kids meals and make sure you had enough, you know, to eat. When I was just eating small portions for myself, nearly starving myself and missing out on my own nourishment for my body. Now, you kids needed me to be healthy, so I was unnourished and I was sacrificing my own health over yours, which I needed to eat better in order to take care of you all. But I couldn't see that back then. I would go without buying myself nice things so that you know you all was able to get what you need and what little money that I had or what I was able to afford back then.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

That is so eye-opening, mom, because I mean I can't speak for my brothers, but I know for me, I think I thought your eating habits was your preference. I think I just thought that's how you eat. Um, and the same with how you dress. I think I just thought that was your preference. That's I mean, that that really is a sacrifice. That's that's crazy to hear, honestly. Um, I'm so glad we're having this conversation. Really, truly. Um, were there moments where all you had left was God?

SPEAKER_00 16:05

Yes. Because in all of my disbelief and trusting God or doing the things that was unpleasing in his eyesight, I left God. He never left me. See, I was the one that blocked my joy. I was the one that blocked my blessings, I was the one that blocked my relationship with Jesus because Jesus was always near, he was waiting on me to come to him. This was my free will. God doesn't force anyone to accept him or force anyone to follow him. So, yes, Jesus was the one that was able to bring me through. I had always remembered that Jesus is the center of my joy. All that is good and perfect comes from him. He will always, and I said always be the hope for everything that I do.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

You shared a scripture earlier. Is there any other scripture of prayer that helps you carry you through?

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Absolutely. The the one scripture that carried me through during those hard times, it was Psalms 120, verses 1 through 2. And what it says is, I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord which made heaven and earth. See, the Lord created me. Why would I not recognize he is all I needed? He is my strong tower. And I read this time and time again until it was so deep inside of me it became rooted in my heart.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

So some this is so eye-opening. So while balancing, having faith, hustling, taking care of us, what was something that you silently prayed for?

SPEAKER_00 18:09

What I silently prayed for as a mother was basically for my children. I prayed that you all will have a solid relationship with Christ, that you all would not forget that Jesus is the source of your lives, that he is your protector, and that you would always remember to hold on to God's unchanging hand because there is nobody like Jesus. That someday that you will be able to lead others to Christ because of your walk with Jesus Christ. Do you think we have? I think people look up to you because of the way that you carry yourself. I think people listen more to you because of the confidence in your life. I think people gravitate to you because of your strength. So a lot of folks are looking for people to draw to their strength and draw to their positiveness and not look for folks or friendships that are fake and sometimes y and not true. So because of like you said in the beginning, my disposition to you all was such a upbeat and such a caring and unfiltered, you know, love, you're able to carry that in your adult lives to folks around you.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

For sure, I would agree with that a hundred percent. Um, what made you continue to give and love even when life was painful?

SPEAKER_00 20:00

I would say what made me continue loving and giving was the fact that I knew God would make a way. And Jesus, there is no greater love. I had no longer looked on my situation, but I looked forward to a better tomorrow. Even if my tomorrow looked the same as yesterday, by loving and thinking about God's grace, his love for me, his grace, his mercies. So if Jesus loved me so, I'm able to give that unconditional love to others, including myself.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

Well, now that I'm you know a lot older, what advice would you give women who are just desperately trying to stay strong through the difficult seasons that you mentioned?

SPEAKER_00 20:57

Well, the the first advice I I want everyone to know or remember, God is so much bigger than what you are limiting him to. Jesus loves you even when you didn't love yourself. Jesus is always available every hour of the day. He doesn't clock in, he doesn't clock out at certain times of the day. His grace, his mercy, you can accept you just as you are. So this is what I say. Repent, release, and rise up from that Mari clay. Because God has so much more to offer than your pain. Remember, Jesus is great and mighty.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

What would you say to a woman who feels um emotionally, mentally, and spiritually tired?

SPEAKER_00 21:58

I would That you are seen by God for sure. His loving arms are open wide, and he's waiting on you to trust him again. He has not forsaken you, he loves you so dearly more than any other. But by trusting him, he will see you through all of your pains. So you should come unto him and he will give you rest. One thing, God is never too busy. Just take that small step towards him. Read a verse, speak to him honestly, say, Jesus, I'm ready to trust you again. Now by opening up and letting Jesus lead the way, is how you are able to move forward. Now you trying to figure it out, God has already worked it out, and that's the key.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

So what are tell me what are you most proud of? Of yourself and also of your children.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

That I realized so long ago that my faith was stronger than I allowed it to be. I had to grow muscles of faith. I had to hold strong unto his words. I had to diligently seek him. And that's not an easy thing to do, especially when you're doing it supposedly alone, which you're not alone because God is with you. But when you look at yourself and you say, Hey, I could do it, and then you try to do it, that's where you keep falling down over and over and over again. And but with your faith in God, with your beliefs in him, with your love in him, and you holding on to who God is and what he represents, his love is the greatest thing that we could ever have. And then you look back later on to where you came from, then you can say, honestly, that is a defeat. I defeated the devil, and I'm never gonna let the devil take away any of my joy. There's a song that says, The joy of the Lord is my strength, and I'm thankful for my children for realizing that their mother is such a powerful woman of God that whenever you're going through pains, you know, you reach out and say, Mom, pray for me. Mom, I'm getting ready to take a test, mom, I'm getting ready to do this, mom, I'm on my way to a journey. You know, can you pray for me? Because you, I see that you all see the faith in me, and that you lean to me. And then immediately, when I lay hands on you and pray for you, immediately you feel the anointing. You say, Oh, I feel better. Just like that time when your wrist was, they said it was gonna take longer. And I said, Give me your wrist, let me pray for you. You got out of that cast faster than they can snap their fingers. Because you have and your brothers have the faith. I know you do, because anybody can pray for anybody, that don't mean that the faith is gonna work, so you know how that faith is, and I am so elated as your mother, as your parent, that you learned those skills that you know how to trust in God and whatever the situation is. Although you go through your life and you do what you need to do, it's your decision, but you still revert back to okay, I gotta recognize how this all came about. You know, I gotta recognize some of the struggles maybe I went through, you know, especially if it was a time where you know my checks was bouncing and I thought I had money in the bank. But even losing jobs, but then you you you made yourself out of it. And you look back at then and you look back at now, you say, Wow, I know I didn't do this by myself, and that's why I'm I'm really happy about what you all see because of what you saw in me.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

Oh, thanks. Wow, well, mom, I I can say um I'm so grateful for everything that you've done for us. You have always been resilient, a woman of faith, and I hope that you see um a reflection of yourself in all of us. Uh, we are also proud of you, and I love the relationship that we have nurtured and fostered over the years. It wasn't always easy, but I will say right now we are at such an amazing place in our lives. So I really thank you for inviting me to join you here, having this conversation, and just sharing your heart with me.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

Absolutely, absolutely. Let's play my theme song and then we can move over and pray, and then I give a plug. Hold on. All right, that's planted by the word of God. I am so happy that my daughter was able to join me today, and again, I wanted to share with the audience of women, whoever you are, that you know what, transparency, because you don't know who I am. I wanted to share and through the eyes through my child. But if you are not in a church home, find a church home so that you can be nourished. If you have a church home, go back to your church home. And if you're living in Tampa and you don't have a church home, then you can you're welcome to come to Foundation's Church. We're located 3904 Corporates Park Drive, Tampa, Florida, 33619. Our office number is 813-949-0888. Our past is Anitra Farragut. She is definitely a phenomenal woman of God, filled with the word. You get fed, you get loved, you'll be blessed. You come now. Before I end this, I will pray. But if you like this episode, please share. Please follow. Please join in because it's not over. There's more conversations to come, real conversations, and I pray that you be blessed. So let me pray right now. Dear Father, in the name of Jesus, I want to thank you again. I am truly grateful for this time we got to chance to speak of your goodness. I thank you for some women that will heal by the words. I pray in Jesus' name that every woman that hears this podcast be encouraged to seek after you again and find the unspeakable joy that was once there. So we praise you and we give you all the honor and all the glory in Jesus' mighty name. Amen. Amen. Alright, I love you, Katrina. Love you, mom.